Boulder Nights

And that's what they were in for. (live:2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"green")[ "Public indecency?? We were born naked, it shouldn't be a fucking crime!"] (text-color:"purple")[ "Maxine, we should stop now. They said they will let us out in the morning if we behave."] (text-color:"green")[ "Urgh, I need a drink."] (text-color:"purple")[ "Didn't have enough already?"] (text-color:"green")[ "Fuck, I think I wore it all off."] [[Eighteen]]. They were treated like adults, and they weren't used to it. (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/BaICzoV.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ "The most difficult phase of your life is not when no one understands you, it is when [[you don't understand yourself.]]" They say eighteen signals the end of your [[childhood]] days and the start of the [[adventures of adulthood.]] Some may see it as exciting and promising while others see it as facing [[more responsibilities.]] I'm expected to magically become mature on [[my 18th birthday]], and I'm given feedback from everyone telling me how to live my life. I am experiencing some difficulties. For the first time in my life I'm afraid of growing old and the responsibilities that come along with it. It's ironic because just last year I couldn't wait to turn eighteen. Various thoughts run through my mind: from plannning what to do in a day, what [[career]] to aim for, what our [[teachers told us]], [[the guy]] who didn't call me back, about wanting to give meaning to my life and about allowing myself things that were [[forbidden]] earlier ... My thoughts were so contradictory. They confuse me, sometimes I feel powerful and motivated, then the very next moment I feel that everything could be [[taken away]]. There's aways that vicious cycle of [[frustration]], moments of [[joy]], happiness and enthusiasm, feeling naughty and silly, fortunate and [[rebellious]], [[alone and insecure]], and at times [[hurt and regret.]] [[continue >->STORY]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Qlz7kGf.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

With this I would like to take you down your memory lane and give you a glimpse of my life, as to how it feels to be 181 18 signals the end of the childhood days and the start of the adventures of adulthood. To some, it is exciting and promising while to others it is about facing more responsibilities. Its surprising how people expect teenagers all over the world to magically become mature on their 18th birthday!! While others are thinking of how I should live my life^ I am experiencing some very different things. For the first time in my life, Ive been scared about growing old and the responsibilities that come along!! Its ironic because just a year ago, I couldn't wait to turn 18. A research shows that human beings have about 60 to 80 thousand thoughts a day. However being 18 I can totally guarantee that they're not less than a million for me! Thoughts from planning what to do in a day, what book to read, what career to aim for planning today and the next after and the day after and after all the planning trying to remember what I needed to do today! Thinking about globalization and saving animals, about something that my teacher about wanting to contribute to the family financially, and about a boy who didn't call me today, about wanting to give meaning to my life and about allowing myself things that were forbidden earlier... My thoughts are so contradictory. They confuse me sometimes because when I feel like I'm king of the world, the very next moment I feel that everything could be taken away. There seems to be a vicious cycle of //frustration, moments of joy, happiness and enthusiasm, feeling naughty and silly, fortunate and rebellious, alone and insecure, and at times hurt and regretful. ===We were children just last yearl And now because im 18, Im stuck between childhood and adulthood. Its amazing how just a number can change the way I behave and feel. There are days when I just play with my dog, go out to eat ice cream with famitv and watch a movie, Days I spend alone, reading a book and thinking about how I want to see myself in the next 10 years. Then there are care free days when tm out with friends till late In the night, doing everything that teenagers are expected to do and the next morning I feel like a little girl again. I may have become a hard core Brad Pitt fan but my favorite movie is still Lion King, E think about how my fnends let me down and feel guilty about the mistakes i made, I keep planning how my life will be ahead, and the very next second I realize that actually life is everything that happens while we're busy making other plans and that scares me. There are days when Im randomly happy, days when I just cant get things straight and days I swear I just want to kill someone and have an evil laugh after that! And at the end of all of this...I realize that I'm just a girl trying to find my place in this world and 18 seems a like a good age to start doing so..

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>understand yourself.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->01]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/H8QeCa4.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>adventures of adulthood.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->02]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/7ShUyXW.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>more responsibilities.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->03]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/nGS6ON1.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>18th birthday.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->04]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/LdnANoK.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>childhood.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->05]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/URCRepU.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>career.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->06]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/bGtHkVA.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>teachers told us.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->07]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/hpiOooo.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>the guy.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->08]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/iQ832nL.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>forbidden.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->09]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/iQeRXFC.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>taken away.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->10]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/c6j7ZQb.jpg"); background-size: contain; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>frustration.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->11]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/U8cwaXm.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>joy.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->12]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/C0WTc9Z.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>rebelious.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->13]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/VjE5BhM.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>alone and insecure.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->14]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/708iSoO.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="mainheader">(text-color:"white")[ <h1>hurt and regret.</h1>] <div class="journal"><h3>(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[[Start->15]] </h3>] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/dJl2W5Q.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> </div><b>(t8n:"dissolve")[6th grade<br>1998]</b></h3> (click:"6th grade")[<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ New school, new teacher, new students, new clothes, and same old me wanting to be anywhere but here. ]</div>(t8n:"dissolve")[ The hallways seemed busier, the students seemed less friendly and the teachers didn't seem to care that she was so unfamiliar with everything. Classes were dull and boring, the teachers, like robots trying to cram as much information into our heads before the lunch bell rang. Finally, it did. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and headed into the packed hallway, trying to find the cafeteria. Groups of obnoxious boys raced past her in an effort to get to their lunch first, cliques of girls walked by like models, and some clotted the stairs. The principal wore her standard greeting smile, but it never extended to her eyes, as if her mind was off on some other important task while she ticked everyone of her to-do list. As she walked into the lunchroom alone, looking desperately for an empty table, someone tapped her shoulder. //"You look lonely//," she smiled at her, with a bright smile that made her day a thousand times better. //"Would you like to eat with me?"// [["Sure."]] ]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I think birthday celebrations are stupid, as people become older, can we just cut this Happy Birthday nonsense and leave the days of uterine deliverance to the children? Oddly enough, birthdays are similar to funerals. People (hated or not) are typically spoken of in glowing terms on two days, thier birthday and the day they are buried. I mean seriously, celebrate a person everyday of their life if you think they are wonderful, or if you're think they're a real asshole, then don't. ]</div>(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/eQy0U1A.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I remember: our little knees full of dirt, and long nights of reading fairytales in the treehouse, Little me strolling through the meadow full of tulips, gold as the sun, and fresh cut grass flattened like waves everytime the wind hit. We would find a tree and declare it our own. Raindrops would softly fall down our red flushed cheeks and we would run inside, waiting for the cookies to be done. We'd sit on the floor and listen to the rain hammering lightly against the window. We would make faces at each other, and you'd do a funny grin smile only I could feel, and I would giggle over your foolish face. I remember how you thought it would be funny to put gum all over your hair, only to have your mom scold you and give you a boy's haircut to remove it. You thought you looked ugly, but I've always found you beautiful, Maxine. My best friend. ]</div> [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/c2IhlG5.jpg"); background-size: contain; /* or contain */ background-position: top; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> (t8n:"dissolve")[May 2009]</h3></div>(t8n:"dissolve")[<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I met this guy at a little party Maxine threw at her place, I actually like him. We spoke the whole time there and as he was speaking to me, all I could do was just picture us together, living a happy life. And turns out, he's in real estate and can help me out in getting a place for myself. Just what I need to get away from this [[freak house.->hurt and regret.]] ]]</div> (t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ]

<h3><div class="journal">(text-color:"white")[ (t8n:"dissolve")[6th grade<br>1998]]</h3></div> <div class="carmen">(text-color:"white")[(t8n:"dissolve")[She smells like peaches. I get this urge to sit closer to her just to take in the aroma, but it's not polite. Her hair is almost all blonde, only showing hints of the deepest brown when she's in the sun. Her eyes are blue, but so light you'd think the ocean is held in her eyes. Her laugh is so infectious, and so is [[her smile.]] ]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="journal"> </div><h3>(t8n:"dissolve")[2005]</h3> <div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[Maxine has no chill, at all. We went to this party and at the end of it, she ran out of the house completely naked. Yes, completely naked, singing her favorite songs at the top of her lungs. She somehow convinced me to join her, so I stripped to my underwear and did so. I've got to admit, it was pretty fun and I haven't felt anymore free than in that moment. Unfortunately some folks called the cops and we ended up getting arrested. I'm never having alcohol again. ]</div>(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/eQy0U1A.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I made a new friend in school today. She looks like she's been through a mangler but knows how to tell the bullies to get lost. I've never seen someone who looks so weak to have the courage to stand up like Bruce Lee. She is a legend. It was like watching Bambi pull out his own rifle and shoot the hunter where it counted. ]</div>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Carmen never saw Maxine lonely, not that she was ever alone. When she was by herself she wasn't looking for any company, she was comfortable in her own skin. She'd talk to anyone who approached her and didn't care if they were "popular" or not. With all the crazy cliques going on at school she was something of an "independent" rather than a reject. She had intelligent things to say and an attitude that was somehow more mature than the rest of us. She knew who to trust and who to be casual with; but mostly she seemed to have decided that school was for work. It was for getting her grades and if she made friends along the way that was great, but not essential. However, they grew close [[over the years.]] (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> </div>(t8n:"dissolve")[eleventh grade<br>2003]</h3> (click:"eleventh grade")[(t8n:"dissolve")[She sits back and thinks about when she was a kid, when they were kids. She was often over at Maxine's house, it was a place to hide and she knew it, but not once was she ever made to feel unwelcomed. School was terrible everyday and home just rocked back and forth between comfort and harmful.]</div> <div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ She was never stable, more in her teenage years, but Maxine was always there for me. All the softness of a child replaced by sharp edges, but a bit of softness remains, honest advice, carefully phrased to cause no harm. She is an anchor point in my sea of [[troubles]], and I will always be grateful. ]]</div> <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ "Mixed feelings" is a norm for me, others speak of it like it's an exception. I'm afraid to try and afraid not to - what I actually do depends on the balance between the two. My personal happiness is forever tinged with sadness for those less fortunate. I want to help others but fear giving away what my family may need in the future. I can't stand my thoughts, they're so contradictive. Maxine says love is the way out, like it's some kind of open door into unlimited sunshine. I'm not sure but I'm going to try it her way for a while; I can't keep on repeating the same stupidity and expecting a different result. I have the feeling it'll be a life long journey instead of a magic pill, but like all journeys they are simply [[one step at a time.]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I wonder what world history would look like if we had all understood our feelings better and could be honest with ourselves. I wonder how many world leaders lied to themselves on their true intentions for war. How many said it was for God? How many said it was actually for greed and fear of the unknown? How many addressed their unwarranted feelings of superiority? Perhaps they had issues from childhood, pent up rage, an "inner-child" who never felt loved? A huge part of the solution lies in the understanding of the way we feel, what triggers negative thoughts and how we avoid acting on them. What is the good of understanding the universe if we fail to understand ourselves?]</div> (t8n:"dissolve")[ [[continue >]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(text-color:"green")[ "So, we're invited to a party tonight. Dude's place is like a mansion. Down?"] (text-color:"purple")[ "I'm not sure, I havn't completed my assignments yet."] (text-color:"green")[ "We can put the assignments on hold for now, we can help each other tommorrow. We've been working hard this whole week and I just want to unwind tonight with my girl by my side."] (text-color:"purple")[ "You just want to hook up with Mike , don't you?"] (text-color:"green")[ "Err, that maaay be one of the reasons."] (text-color:"purple")[ "Urgh, fine. Let's go"] (text-color:"green")[ "Ah, yay! Thanks, I love you so much."] (text-color:"purple")[ [["Love you too."->forbidden]]] (t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Frustration. It's the root the many illnesses that include depression, stress, anxiety, panic attacks and many other emotional sickness. It is an emotion that can trigger long term thoughts that can damage your mind for a long time. It shouldn't be taken lightly. It doesn't sound dangerous, but long exposure to it and aggravation by something can be devastating. <h3><b>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[January 2010 (stop:)]]</b></h3>(stop:)]] <div class="carmen">(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")["Drug abuse hotline" - that's what the sticker said, followed by the number, in bold black letters on my fridge. I've never touched drugs, my dad however, he's a junkie, and my mom wasn't subtle in her hints. I never felt the need for these substances, not until the pain became unbearable. I slit them, my wrists, I slit them. I had to take pain killers, one, two, ten, that felt right. My gosh, the pain, the blood, it was everywhere. But in the moment, I never thought about the consequences, I just wanted the feelings to go away, I sliced through my own hand, with a razor from my dad's shaving kit, just because of a temporary problem, leaving a permanent scar, a permanent reminder, of that horrible night. (stop:)]] (live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/BaICzoV.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I ended up sleeping with this guy! I had no intention of doing so, but my drunken mind overpowered me. I'm so upset. My first time was drunken sex. Great. ]</div>(t8n:"dissolve")[ At the end of the night the mansion was like a dilapidated house, abused and falling apart. On it's black and white porcelain tiles were spilled drinks and broken glasses. As the lights turned on for clean up, the scene that seemed so exciting and sexual only minutes before, now had all the ambiance of a dirty bathroom. [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/2zkZ6SW.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> </div><b>(t8n:"dissolve")[Boulder, Colorado<br>2005]</b></h3> (click:"Boulder, Colorado")[(t8n:"dissolve")[//"Carmen Smith".// She makes her way to the camera and shows off a cheeky smile as her mugshot is captured. //"Maxine Travis".// She gives off a seductive look to the camera followed by a teasing wink to all of the officers in the room. It was hard not to stare since all they had on were bikinis, almost [[too revealing.]] (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/BaICzoV.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ Maxine and I got hold of some money and decided to rent a place for a few days. We figured it would give us a taste of what being an adult is actually like. My mom was all for the idea, and dad couldn't be bothered. Not like he was around much anyway. ]]</div>(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ She wakes up, and bet she heard her mom yelling at her for sleeping in. But the reality then takes over her dreams. Mom's not there. All she had to do was take it in. Maxine greets her with a grin, some reality show is blaring on the TV, the sink is filled with dishes, still there because no one told us to do it. Growing up is all about responsibilities. It's not doing the dishes otherwise you wil be deprived of your luxaries. It's doing it because you won't have anything to eat from otherwise. Waking up early is not about pleasing your mother and giving her a reason to let you go out. It's about running errands that your life literally depends on. Curfews are not for your parents to stop worrying about your safety, but you worrying about yours. Having a job is not about saving, it's about spending. She curses herself for wanting to grow up so fast. (text-color:"lightgreen")[ "Oh, I'm going out to the party tonight. You coming?"] Maxine shouts to make herself audible over the noise from the TV. (text-color:"hotpink")["Hell, yeah."]] ]<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ Did I mention growing up is having fun and being free? (stop:)]]]</div> (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/QZ0KoQv.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal">(text-color:"white")[ (t8n:"dissolve")[2009]]</h3></div>(text-color:"white")[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ For the first time in her life, she found herself alone. Huddled deep in plastic cups in the bathroom, she sat alone and utterly terrified in darkness. The darkness consumed her weak form. No one was there to soothe her fears. It was just her, alone in a strange place with strange people. Maxine enters the bathroom, looking frantic.(text-color:"lightgreen")[ "Hey, I was searching the whole house for you! Are you okay?"] She notices her crying.(text-color:"lightgreen")[ "Carmen ... please speak to me."] Carmen notices Maxine crying as well. (text-color:"purple")[ "Why are you crying?"] (text-color:"lightgreen")[ "I was worried about you."] (text-color:"purple")[ "Why?"] (text-color:"lightgreen")[ "Why? I'm your best friend, Carmen. And because I realized once more the suffering you had to go through, and I can't believe you made it out alive. Because I can’t take it, I can’t bear the fact that this world fucked you up so bad you can’t believe someone loves you."] (text-color:"purple")[ “I can’t believe someone like you can love me, because I don’t deserve it.”] (text-color:"lightgreen")[ “Let’s make things clear here and now: the one that doesn't deserve being lucky here is me. And with you I fucking hit the jackpot, so don’t tell me again that you can’t believe me, because you’re a fucking miracle and I thank the universe everyday not only for having you in my life, but for letting you keep going with the shit you had to face all alone.”] She smiled, caressing her face.(text-color:"lightgreen")[ "You're not alone anymore. And you'll never be again."] [[continue >->14 (02)]] (stop:)]]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/1QhGXi2.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal">(text-color:"white")[ (t8n:"dissolve")[November, 2009]]</h3></div>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ The sparkle of yesterday was extinguished. Her eyes moved slower and always more down-cast, skimming the floor, rarely raising to eye level. It was in her voice too, quieter, with a meekness that wasn't usually part of her speech pattern. She was unhappy in a way she hadn't seen before, like a small slice of bereavement. (stop:)]]]<div class="carmen">(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ Your lack of eye contact should have warned me, it isn't natural to avert your gaze from the one you love. It gave you distance from my heart and soul, enough to allow the mean behaviour you crave. In those moments I felt dehumanised, controlled, like just another part of your life to perform a function you required. It hurts. It hurts just as much like it did back home. I thought I was escaping hell, but I've only opened a new door leading [[right back to it.->15 (02)]] (stop:)]]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/VtjRDc6.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ People's intentions are clear, and I know most mean no harm, but still, it's love. Any association with the emotion has always been a bad one, and my body just learned to reject it. I can't help it and it sucks. The flashbacks of my beaten mother crying on the floor are haunting. It hurts so much. Everytime I remember it I end up crying in a corner somwhere. My dad's bloody fists, linked to an arm with alcohol runnning through the veins, the bloodshot eyes, the screaming ... I can't take this anymore. Why do humans fall in love if this is the consequence? ]] [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/1QhGXi2.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> (t8n:"dissolve")[November, 2009]</h3></div>(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ She left her home, her family. It may have been a selfish move but it's something that she had to do for her own sanity. Her house felt more harmful than a home so she set off to her new home in a little suburb near the city.(stop:)]] <div class="carmen">(live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I had to [[leave]] my mom with him, but I would be starting a new life. One without all the hurting. I love you, mom. I hope you can forgive me. (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ Maxine introduced me to this guy, Jake. When my eyes first landed on him my heart almost stopped. He has spiky black hair that complements his pale skin so beautifully. His smile nearly melts me into a puddle of nothing. "Hi", and his voice so inviting. I'm already totally obsessed with this guy, I just know it. ]</div>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ The music was so loud that it could make your skin tingle and lungs feel like mush. The bass thumped in time with heart beats as though they were one, filling everyone from head to toe with music. Laughter rang everywhere and wouldn’t seem to stop as the music got louder and louder, pulling everyone in the crowd. Maxine disappeared ages ago to hook up with her guy, leaving Carmen and Jake alone together. The night carried on, along with a lot of [[dancing and alcohol.]] (stop:)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/2zkZ6SW.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal">(text-color:"white")[ (t8n:"dissolve")[8th grade<br>2000]]</h3></div>(live: 1s)[(text-color:"white")[(t8n:"dissolve")[ One of the first things she remembers about Maxine is that she was the kid who sat at the back of the classroom, always drumming on the desk with her pens and pencils. She’d kick the chair of the cute boy in front of her, but when he turned around to scold her, she’d just give the biggest smile and flash her dimples at him; that was how she'd [[always]] get her way.(stop:)]]] <div class="carmen">(text-color:"white")[(live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I’ve always admired her ability to worm her way out of any situation. (stop:)]]]</div> <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(text-color:"white")[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Through thick and thin, she was always there. I often feel [[alone and insecure]], so I am forever grateful that she is in my life. ]]</div> [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> (t8n:"dissolve")[12th grade<br>2004]</h3></div> <div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[My teacher had the look of one who had grown too fast in his youth, but he was one teacher the kids could never get the better of. Whatever witty comments they had, he had one better. He took their disobedience and turned it on them, but not through belittling or abuse of authority. He reacted to their behaviour with a style of humour they could relate to, or even aspire. When he taught, it was with passion, like it was everything he wanted to do in life. All he wanted to do was inspire a love of learning in the [[next generation.->career]] ]</div>(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Gsw1J4M.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ Whenever I heard the word "responsibility" I thought of blame, as in "who's responsible for this?" But that's not what it really is, it's more of the ability to respond. It's creating what you want through personal choices. And the responsibility I have is my life. I am solely responsible of how my life will turn out, so I need to [[take control.->teachers told us]] ]</div> (t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/BaICzoV.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

A satisfying career is often the key to a happy fulfilled life, increasing well being not only on a economic level, but on a social and psychological level as well. However, Carmen did not want to study further after school as she felt it was a waste of time and money, and her parents were in deep debt as it is. She was interested in modeling, be it photography or runway modeling, professional or amatuer, it was something she has always wanted to get into one day. Unfortunately she didn't get the chance with any agencies as she was not tall enough and ended up working as a receptionist in a law firm from the late months of 2009. [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/eQy0U1A.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(text-color:"white")[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I am so much more fortunate than I give myself credit for. I'm constantly preoccupying myself with thoughts of things I don't have and experiences I am missing out on. I should be appreciative and grateful for everything I have and everything I'm going to receive. If we looked around us, we would find endless things we have that others are not as fortunate to have. People complain about the outdated things they have when they should be grateful that they have these things in the first place.] ]</div>(text-color:"white")[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Gratitude, it turns what we have into enough. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, and confusion to clarity. You really do not know how good you have it until it's gone. In relationships, a person can take their partner for granted, and only after the relationship is destroyed does the person realise the irreverseable mistake they have made. At this point it is too late and the person failed to realise how fortunate they were. Sight, sound, legs, arms, food, drinkable water, a roof over our heads and loved ones; the things you take for granted are the things others are praying for. [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/QZ0KoQv.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ I've always imagined leaving home - mother in tears and father angry as usual. I would pack my small car with loads of bags and suitcases and head to my new little home. They show no love and suck the life out of me, how do I live with that? So instead I leave them fighting in the other room, pretending like they don't know I'm leaving. There's no small car or loads of luggage, only badly stuffed bin-liners with all of my goods. ]</div>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Just as the last one is filled, there's a toot from the street, Maxine is here to pick her up. She exits the sunlight faded door, brittle and blue. Leaving home is bitter-sweet, there's bad memories but also some good ones, leaving them balled up in her chest. She runs her hand along the elongated door handle, memorising the patina. She then seizes it, ramming the door shut, almost hearing the ghost of her childhood whimper. (stop:)]]<div class="carmen">(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I have grown up and life moves on, [[isn't that what they say?->outro]] (stop:)]]</div> <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(text-color:"white")[ He seemed like a nice guy at first. Good mannerisms, polite, gentle on the touch; Carmen was a sucker for that. Maxine left them alone and went to hook up with Mike, as usual. All they did for the whole night was speak, exchanging deep subject matter. Turns out he is in real estate and can make a good deal on a house for Carmen. [[And so it began ...]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/VtjRDc6.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal">(text-color:"white")[ (t8n:"dissolve")[February 2010]]</h3></div>(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-color:"white")[ Love turned into hate. Soft touches turned into slaps. Kisses turned into a bleeding mouth, begging for him to stop. The first slap, only days ago, had been the worst. She did not expect him to be so strong, but that was an impact enough to stun. Even though his hand was empty, it was like being hit with a hunk of meat and after she had to endure words of hatred. All of it spilling from a man that she thought really loved her. Days later, she ended the relationship. He wasn't bothered as he was busy with work. But he told her, //"If you tell anyone about us, I will kill you."// She knew he wasn't joking when the next day she found her dog killed on her doorstep. Months went by and she was thankful that she didn't hear from him again. ]] (t8n:"dissolve")[ [[//< back to journal//->Eighteen]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/VtjRDc6.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

<h3><b>Please note</b></h3> This is a prequel to the game <b>Nights in Boulder.</b> It is optional but recommended to play it first to avoid possible confusion. If you wish to play it, it can be played <a href="http://philome.la/zanefulton_/night-in-boulder/play" target="_blank">here.</a> Alternatively, you can [[continue >->Start]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/c2IhlG5.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

There was nothing else to do but stare at the four white walls they were surrounded by. To look at the paint that has chipped away over time and the rusted metal bars that stood sturdy enclosing them in their cell. There were no windows, just a hallow cube of concrete where you have no idea how much time had passed or even if it was night or day. They were only held within it for a few hours so far, but they were totally disorientated. The only sound they could hear was an officer walking by every once in a while with his keys rattling against his belt. As the night progressed, it got icy cold. All they could do to get warm was hold each other tight, accumulating body heat. [[continue >->start (02)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/BaICzoV.png"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

Finally, morning peeked through a crack in the wall relieving them of the tense night spent in a cold and dark cell. Hungover and exhausted as ever, they are greeted by a skrawny officer who opens the cell for them. They make their way to the chief lieutenant's office to fill out papers for their release. She stood tall and was bold in her speech. //"Carmen Smith and Maxine Travis?"// (text-color:"green")[ "That's us."] //"What on earth were you girls thinking?"// (text-color:"green")[ "Look, we were drunk, just wanted to have fu.."] Carmen interupts Maxine.(text-color:"purple")[ "Lieutenant, we are really sorry for our actions last night, it was extremely inappropriate. And trust me, we have learned from this and I assure you it will never happen again."] //"You know, I was young and crazy once upon a time, and I would say I understand, but I've never gotten drunk and streaked through a residential neighbourhood, waking up every household I passed."// (text-color:"green")[ "We've apologised, are you going to let us go?"] <a> [["Maxine, apologise as well."]] [["Hey, don't speak like that."]]</a> <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Gsw1J4M.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(text-color:"green")[ "You've just apologised for the both of us."] //"You know, with your friend's attitude, it's making it real hard for me to want to release you girls."// (text-color:"purple")[ "Maxine, please."] (text-color:"green")[ "Fine, I'm sorry, lieutenant ...?"] //"Lieutenant Williams."// (text-color:"green")[ "Williams, Lieutenant Williams. It was a silly thing for us to do, and as Carmen just said, we will make sure that it never happens again.] She gives the girls a skeptical look but proceeds to print out the forms they will have to sign. She has more important things to work on and two young girls causes a disturbance is the least of her worries. //"Here, sign where stated."// [[Sign the forms.]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Gsw1J4M.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(text-color:"green")[ "I'm just asking a question!"] //"You know, with your friend's attitude, it's making it real hard for me to want to release you girls."// (text-color:"purple")[ "Maxine, please."] (text-color:"green")[ "Fine, I'm sorry, lieutenant ...?"] //"Lieutenant Williams."// (text-color:"green")[ "Williams, Lieutenant Williams. It was a silly thing for us to do, and as Carmen just said, we will make sure that it never happens again.] She gives the girls a skeptical look but proceeds to print out the forms they will have to sign. She has more important things to work on and two young girls causes a disturbance is the least of her worries. //"Here, sign where stated."// [[Sign the forms.]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Gsw1J4M.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

Upon completion of signing the forms, the girls are escorted out of the building, grateful to see the sun again. (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ They are given a ride home by an officer.(stop:)]] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ Both their parents were unaware of the whole situation, reason-being that they were supposed to be staying over at a friend's place last night. Upon being asked by officers for their parent's details, they stated they lived alone together. Maxine whispers in Carmen's ear:(text-color:"green")[ "If only our parents knew about this, we'd be so screwed. Feels good to be eighteen, doesn't it?" [[Sure does.]] (stop:)]]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/eQy0U1A.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> (t8n:"dissolve")[12 September 2009]</h3></div>(t8n:"dissolve")[<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ He knew when he saw her eyes filled with tears and her mouth full of blood, that he should relent. But it only pushed him on, filling him with power. Only when she was weeping in agony and completely helpless on the floor, would he stop. He felt guilty in some way, but that never stopped him before and won't stop him again.]]</div> [[>]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

<h3><div class="journal"> (t8n:"dissolve")[15 September 2009]</h3></div>(t8n:"dissolve")[<div class="carmen">(t8n:"dissolve")[ The house would be filled with silence, but on some nights it would be manifested in screams, enough to send a pulsating shock to my heart and make my blood run cold. He would scream his whole body out, I'd run down to the edge of the stairs to peek at what's going on. His eyes would be wide with horror, his face rigid, and fists clenched with his nails digging deep into the palm of his hand. I knew what came next.]] [[>->(02)]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

Carmen's dad showed no mercy to her mom whatsoever. He drank, took drugs and never showed concern for his family from late August 2009, when his addictions began. In early November 2009, she couldn't take it anymore. It was damaging to her [[well-being.]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/Z8LsBcn.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style>

(text-color:"white")[ Upon entering the bar, all that she can inhale is the strong smell of whiskey that is radiating from the front of the bar. She takes a seat at a corner table, being a more quieter area suitable to get her work done. Moments later, she notices a guy that keeps on staring at her but tries to zone him out so that she can continue with her [[work.]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

(text-color:"white")[ She decided to take a break and just sit back and observe the activity in the bar. She watches the smoke from a guy smoking a vape. It twisted in an artistic way, forming curls in the gloom, illuminated by the bright bar lights. Along every wall was ever hue of alcohol the bar served, and it looked like the guy that has been staring her down has gotten all of it. ] [[>->end]] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

(text-color:"white")[ He raises his shaky finger to call the bartender, and still glances at Carmen from time to time. (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ The bartender hands him his drink, and he gets out of his seat, presumably to leave.(stop:)]] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ However, he ends up walking her way.(stop:)]] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[>->credits]] (stop:)]] ] <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/HDVdwwg.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>

(text-color:"white")[ Written & created by Zane Fulton Cover art by <a href="http://pexels.com" target="_blank">Pexels</a> Images provided by <a href="http://pexels.com" target="_blank">Pexels</a> Images hosted by <a href="http://imgur.com" target="_blank">Imgur</a> Outro music performed by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ8ECOhEKZNKgIJ7YfFeKXg" target="_blank">Nicole Milik</a> Song: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL4ONH6KUDc"_blank">Spirits by The Strumbellas</a> Fonts by <a href="http://fonts.google.com" target="_blank">Google Fonts</a> Created in Twine 2.1 using Harlowe. [[Back to Main Menu->MAIN MENU]] ] <audio src="http://k003.kiwi6.com/hotlink/hru32znbh8/EDITSpirits_-_The_Strumbellas_acoustic_cover_by_Nicole_Milik_.mp3" autoplay> <style> body { background-image:url("http://i.imgur.com/eQy0U1A.jpg"); background-size: cover; /* or contain */ background-position: center; background-repeat: no-repeat; margin:auto; padding:0; } </style> <style> body { background-color: #000000; } </style>