Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Fifteen Minutes of Fame By Wes Locher [[Preface<-Begin.]]

You are Alice. Alice has been trying to find love for some time. And in doing so, Alice has been unsuccessful at it for even longer. All of that is about to change. //You have received a new text Message from Zoey.// [[OpenMessage<-Open message.]]

``ZOEY`` You can’t do this, Alice! ``ZOEY`` I won’t let you! [[letchoice<-It’s not your choice!]] [[lethave<-I have to!]]

``ALICE`` It’s MY life, Zoey. ``ALICE`` This is how I’m going to live it. ``ZOEY`` If you go out with Lucas and I on Friday, you’re going to be a third wheel. ``ZOEY`` AGAIN. ``ZOEY`` If you at least TRY to get a date, maybe I’ll reconsider! [[trydating<-There’s no one worth dating.]] [[trytried<-I’ve tried and tried.]]

``ALICE`` What other choice do I have? ``ZOEY`` If you go out with Lucas and I on Friday, you’re going to be a third wheel. ``ZOEY`` AGAIN. ``ZOEY`` If you at least TRY to get a date, maybe I’ll reconsider! [[trydating<-There’s no one worth dating.]] [[trytried<-I’ve tried and tried.]]

``ALICE`` Believe me, I’m pretty much dated every guy in this city. ``ALICE`` My dating profile has two stars! ``ZOEY`` I’m sure it’s not THAT bad. ``ALICE`` I have worse reviews then that diner that gives everyone food poisoning. ``ZOEY`` Maybe your standards are too high? ``ZOEY`` Ever think of that? [[standardsyes<-Maybe you’re right.]] [[standardsno<-No way.]]

``ALICE`` I can’t find anyone who interests me. ``ALICE`` All the guys in this city are losers! ``ZOEY`` Maybe your standards are too high? ``ZOEY`` Ever think of that? [[standardsyes<-Maybe you’re right.]] [[standardsno<-No way.]]

``ALICE`` Maybe I’m just being too hard on them. ``ZOEY`` You don’t have to marry them! Just go on dates. Have some fun. ``ZOEY`` Let them pay for dinner and hold doors and stuff. ``ZOEY`` I hate to say it, Alice, but maybe they’re not the problem… ``ALICE`` How dare you! ``ZOEY`` Guys are intimidated by intellectual types. [[intellectualcompromise<-I won’t compromise.]] [[intellectualmind<-I’ll keep that in mind.]]

``ALICE`` I’m not going to settle for just some guy. ``ALICE`` Especially one who’s more into his beard and craft beers. ``ZOEY`` I hate to say it, Alice, but maybe they’re not the problem… ``ALICE`` How dare you! ``ZOEY`` Guys are intimidated by intellectual types. [[intellectualcompromise<-I won’t compromise.]] [[intellectualmind<-I’ll keep that in mind.]]

``ALICE`` I refuse to compromise who I am, Zoey! ``ALICE`` Even if it’s just to enjoy dinner and a movie once a week. ``ALICE`` Just let me go with you and Lucas. ``ZOEY`` Sorry, girl. It’s awkward and Lucas ends up feeling bad for you. ``ALICE`` Tell him not to feel bad! ``ZOEY`` It harshes the mellow. [[harshescare<-I don’t care.]] [[harshesright<-You’re right.]]

``ALICE`` Add it to the list of things that scares men away. ``ALICE`` Being too intellectual… having cats… enjoying books… owning a flip phone… ``ZOEY`` Is that why it takes you so long to text? ``ALICE`` I’m HOPELESS. ``ZOEY`` You’re NOT hopeless. ``ALICE`` Just let me go with you and Lucas. ``ZOEY`` Sorry, girl. It’s awkward and Lucas ends up feeling bad for you. ``ALICE`` Tell him not to feel bad! ``ZOEY`` It harshes the mellow. [[harshescare<-I don’t care.]] [[harshesright<-You’re right.]]

``ALICE`` You’re my friend. Get over it. ``ZOEY`` It’s weird when Lucas and I kiss and you stare. ``ALICE`` I don’t stare! I just don’t have anywhere else to look. ``ZOEY`` So you need a little help, it’s no big deal. ``ALICE`` You’re saying I should get a counselor? ``ZOEY`` Maybe. ``ALICE`` Do you seriously think I’m crazy? ``ZOEY`` … ``ALICE`` ZOEY! ``ZOEY`` No! I don’t think you’re crazy. ``ZOEY`` I just think you need to go outside your comfort zone a little. [[outsidehave<-I have.]] [[outsidehow<-How?]]

``ALICE`` I’m sorry I put you in that situation. ``ALICE`` You’ve been a good friend to put up with it as long as you have. ``ZOEY`` So you need a little help, it’s no big deal. ``ALICE`` You’re saying I should get a counselor? ``ZOEY`` Maybe. ``ALICE`` Do you seriously think I’m crazy? ``ZOEY`` … ``ALICE`` ZOEY! ``ZOEY`` No! I don’t think you’re crazy. ``ZOEY`` I just think you need to go outside your comfort zone a little. [[outsidehave<-I have.]] [[outsidehow<-How?]]

``ALICE`` I was terrified of online dating. ``ALICE`` Do you know what it’s like to have dinner with someone… ``ALICE`` But secretly you think they’re going to try to steal your kidney? ``ZOEY`` That was ONCE, Alice. ``ALICE`` Once kind of ruins it for everyone! ``ZOEY`` Now, I know you’re going to shoot this down, but I have an idea. ``ALICE`` Oh no. ``ZOEY`` Just hear me out. Promise me you’ll at least give it some consideration. [[promiseyes<-Okay, I promise.]] [[promiseno<-No promises.]]

``ALICE`` I tried online dating… tried speed dating… tried blind dating… ``ALICE`` I literally can’t think of any type of dating that’s left. ``ZOEY`` Now, I know you’re going to shoot this down, but I have an idea. ``ALICE`` Oh no. ``ZOEY`` Just hear me out. Promise me you’ll at least give it some consideration. [[promiseyes<-Okay, I promise.]] [[promiseno<-No promises.]]

``ALICE`` But only because you’re my best friend. And I trust you. ``ALICE`` Please don’t make me not trust you. ``ZOEY`` Have you ever thought about… Reality TV? [[realitynotbad<-That’s not a bad idea.]] [[realitykidding<-You’re kidding me.]]

``ALICE`` Last time I made a promise without knowing what it was… ``ALICE`` I was going to your brother’s wedding with my ex-boyfriend. ``ALICE`` An ex-boyfriend who is also a criminal. ``ZOEY`` You guys had a great time! ``ALICE`` He robbed everyone at the wedding at gunpoint! ``ZOEY`` Yeah, and no one will ever forget that. ``ZOEY`` It was epic. ``ZOEY`` Have you ever thought about... Reality TV? [[realitynotbad<-That’s not a bad idea.]] [[realitykidding<-You’re kidding me.]]

``ZOEY`` Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually go for it. ``ALICE`` I’m sort of surprised myself. ``ALICE`` But while you’re out there having dinner with Lucas… ``ALICE`` I’m at home watching these shows. ``ALICE`` And regardless of how weird, vile, or unlovable someone seems… ``ALICE`` They always find a significant other on TV. ``ZOEY`` That’s the spirit! ``ZOEY`` Come on, what could it hurt? [[hurtrep<-My reputation.]] [[hurtworth<-My sense of self-worth.]]

``ZOEY`` Think of it like going to a bar to meet someone. ``ZOEY`` Just with the whole world watching. ``ALICE`` It’s making me queasy to think about. ``ZOEY`` I’m serious, Alice! ``ZOEY`` Everyone on these TV shows finds SOMEONE to connect with. ``ZOEY`` Even if they are weird, smelly, or too intellectual. ``ALICE`` Thanks for lumping me in with the weird and smelly. ``ZOEY`` You know what I mean. ``ZOEY`` Come on, what could it hurt? [[hurtrep<-My reputation.]] [[hurtworth<-My sense of self-worth.]]

``ZOEY`` And what’s your current reputation? ``ALICE`` I like to think I’m a legend among shrew cat ladies. ``ALICE`` But it’s not the worst idea you’ve had. ``ZOEY`` See? This is why you keep me around. ``ALICE`` But even if I wanted to pursue this harebrained idea of yours… ``ALICE`` I don’t know how to go about it. ``ZOEY`` Oh, I’ve got you covered. ``ALICE`` Do you just happen to know someone who runs a reality show? ``ZOEY`` No. ``ALICE`` I didn’t think so. ``ZOEY`` But Lucas has a client who’s a TV producer in Hollywood. ``ZOEY`` Max is always coming up with new ideas for shows. ``ZOEY`` I’ll text you his number and you can hit him up. ``ZOEY`` Let me know how it goes, okay? ``ALICE`` I will. ``ZOEY`` Just remember, you have to convince him that you’re a good candidate. ``ALICE`` Am I, though? ``ZOEY`` You’ve seen reality TV… are you like those people? [[peopleyes<-I can be.]] [[peopleno<-No way.]]

``ZOEY`` And if you had to give your current worth a number between 1-10? ``ALICE`` I’m in the negatives. ``ALICE`` Well, it’s not the worst idea you’ve had. ``ZOEY`` See? This is why you keep me around. ``ALICE`` But even if I wanted to pursue this harebrained idea of yours… ``ALICE`` I don’t know how to go about it. ``ZOEY`` Oh, I’ve got you covered. ``ALICE`` Do you just happen to know someone who runs a reality show? ``ZOEY`` No. ``ALICE`` I didn’t think so. ``ZOEY`` But Lucas has a client who’s a TV producer in Hollywood. ``ZOEY`` Max is always coming up with new ideas for shows. ``ZOEY`` I’ll text you his number and you can hit him up. ``ZOEY`` Let me know how it goes, okay? ``ALICE`` I will. ``ZOEY`` Just remember, you have to convince him that you’re a good candidate. ``ALICE`` Am I, though? ``ZOEY`` You’ve seen reality TV… are you like those people? [[peopleyes<-I can be.]] [[peopleno<-No way.]]

``ALICE`` If I really want to be. ``ZOEY`` Well, if you really want to find a date… ``ZOEY`` Then I think you know what you have to do. [[textmax<-Text Max.]]

``ALICE`` I have morals… a sense of right and wrong… ``ALICE`` An aversion to large amounts of alcohol! ``ZOEY`` What’s the expression? ``ZOEY`` Fake it ‘til you make it? ``ZOEY`` You can either play it up and try to get a show, or stay true to you. ``ZOEY`` Whichever you decide, I know it’ll be what’s best for you. ``ALICE`` Thanks, Zoey. [[textmax<-Text Max.]]

``ALICE`` Hey, Max. ``ALICE`` I’m a friend of Lucas’. His girlfriend Zoey gave me your number. ``ALICE`` She said you put together reality shows. ``MAX`` Well, hello hello hello, Alice. ``MAX`` You want to be a contestant on a reality dating show? [[contestantyes<-Yes.]] [[contestantno<-I’m warming up to the idea.]]

``ALICE`` I think I’d be a good candidate. ``MAX`` I’ll be the judge of that! ``MAX`` After all, I won an Emmy last year for best casting director in the biz. ``MAX`` I have hundreds of shows in the works, Alice. ``MAX`` In fact, I had six ideas for new shows before breakfast today! ``MAX`` Let me throw some names at you. ``MAX`` You let me know if something sparks your imagination. ``ALICE`` Sounds good. ``MAX`` One of the shows I’m developing is called “In the Heat of the Night.” ``MAX`` Another is a touching title called “Home is Where the Heart Is.” ``MAX`` Do either of those sound interesting? [[showtheatofnight<-In the Heat of the Night.]] [[showhomeiswhere<-Home is Where the Heart Is.]]

``MAX`` Good! I have a dream, Alice… ``MAX`` A dream that everyone will one day experience the thrill… ``MAX`` Of participating on a reality dating show. ``ALICE`` What about the people who are already married? ``MAX`` EVERYONE. ``ALICE`` Okay. ``MAX`` I have hundreds of shows in the works, Alice. ``MAX`` In fact, I had six ideas for new shows before breakfast today! ``MAX`` Let me throw some names at you. ``MAX`` You let me know if something sparks your imagination. ``ALICE`` Sounds good. ``MAX`` One of the shows I’m developing is called “In the Heat of the Night.” ``MAX`` Another is a touching title called “Home is Where the Heart Is.” ``MAX`` Do either of those sound interesting? [[showtheatofnight<-In the Heat of the Night.]] [[showhomeiswhere<-Home is Where the Heart Is.]]

``MAX`` Wonderful! ``MAX`` I came up with this show on my drive to work last week. ``MAX`` In the show, couples spend ten minutes together in a sauna. ``MAX`` As they get to know each other, we slowly raise the temperature. ``MAX`` The rising heat produces a chemical reaction in the body. ``MAX`` Causing cramps, confusion, and ultimately a “fight or flight” reaction. ``MAX`` After dates with three different men, the female contestant chooses one… ``MAX`` And official date is held. ``MAX`` Is this something you could see yourself doing? ``ALICE`` Getting sweaty with strangers? ``MAX`` We like to think of it as... “Sweating out our secrets.” [[secretssanitary<-Is that sanitary?]] [[secretsring<-It has a ring to it.]]

``MAX`` Good choice! ``MAX`` This is the ideal show for women who think their cities lack quality men. ``ALICE`` I’m guilty of saying that. ``MAX`` Perfect! This might be right up your alley. ``MAX`` In this show, two women are chosen at the start of the season. ``MAX`` To kick things off, they switch homes… ``MAX`` Each moves into the other’s home or apartment in whatever city they reside. ``MAX`` The goal is to see if the grass is really greener elsewhere… ``ALICE`` …Or if home really is where the heart is. ``MAX`` See? You get it! ``MAX`` Now, these women may already have suitors or boyfriends. ``MAX`` Those get exchanged in the swap as well. [[exchangedhold<-Hold up…]] [[exchangedfun<-Sounds fun.]]

``MAX`` You have germ issues, eh? ``MAX`` I suppose that marks off another show… ``ALICE`` Which one? ``MAX`` The one where you can eat pig rectum for a chance at $5,000. ``ALICE`` No thanks. ``MAX`` I'm shocked! After all, everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. [[famedont<-I don’t.]] [[fameguess<-I guess so.]]

``MAX`` In the final two minutes inside the sauna, things get really crazy! ``ALICE`` Oh yeah? ``MAX`` The host says, “Now it’s time to really heat things up…” ``MAX`` And we raise the temperature to a sweltering 120 degrees. ``ALICE`` What if someone passes out? ``MAX`` Nothing a water hose can’t fix. ``MAX`` We have insurance on all our shows. ``MAX`` In case that was a concern. ``MAX`` If contestants get too hot they have two options. ``ALICE`` Which are? ``MAX`` They can leave and eliminate themselves… ``MAX`` Or they can take off their clothes! ``MAX`` The concept has tested well with potential viewers in the 18-30 demographic. ``ALICE`` Why would anyone participate in this? ``MAX`` Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. [[famedont<-I don’t.]] [[fameguess<-I guess so.]]

``ALICE`` I just want to meet a nice guy! ``MAX`` We have plenty of those. ``ALICE`` A nice guy who’s looking for a nice girl… ``ALICE`` And not the spotlight. ``MAX`` That’s the beauty! You never know who you’ll meet! ``ALICE`` Do you have other options? ``MAX`` Of course! I just thought of two new show ideas while I told you that other one. ``MAX`` One is a fast-paced adventure called “On-Speed Dating.” ``MAX`` The other is a sexy little number called “Side Pieced.” ``MAX`` Does either one of those grab you? [[showspeed<-On-Speed Dating.]] [[showpieced<-Side Pieced.]]

``ALICE`` I was hoping it’d be more about… you know… the dating. ``MAX`` We’re number one in producing marriages from our shows. ``MAX`` It turns out people bond quite tightly over these experiences. ``MAX`` Next year we’re shifting focus to real life and death situations. ``ALICE`` Do you have other options? ``MAX`` Of course! I just thought of two new show ideas while I told you that other one. ``MAX`` The first is an experimental show called “Devotional Baggage.” ``MAX`` The other is a surefire hit called “Cruising for Cupid.” ``MAX`` Tantalizing, right? Which one should I dish on? [[showbaggage<-Devotional Baggage.]] [[showcruising<-Cruising for Cupid.]]

``ALICE`` So if someone I swap with has a boyfriend… I’d have to date them? ``MAX`` Definitely! That’s part of the fun! ``MAX`` It’s a total “fish out of water” experience. ``MAX`` Not only will contestants have to get to know new people… ``MAX`` They’ll also be thrust into a whole new environment! ``MAX`` Imagine it… big city girl goes to a small town in the deep south. ``MAX`` Small town girl is plunged into the big city without a subway map. ``ALICE`` This one doesn’t sound so bad. ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``ALICE`` There always is. ``MAX`` Not only do the contestants get to experience the dating scene in a new town… ``MAX`` But they take over each other’s jobs and financials as well! [[jobsinsane<-That’s insane.]] [[jobsunique<-It’s unique.]]

``MAX`` It’s truly for the adventurous! ``MAX`` Not only will contestants have to get to know new people… ``MAX`` They’ll also be thrust into a whole new environment! ``MAX`` Imagine it… big city girl goes to a small town in the deep south. ``MAX`` Small town girl is plunged into the big city without a subway map. ``ALICE`` This one doesn’t sound so bad. ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``ALICE`` There always is. ``MAX`` Not only do the contestants get to experience the dating scene in a new town… ``MAX`` But they take over each other’s jobs and financials as well! [[jobsinsane<-That’s insane.]] [[jobsunique<-It’s unique.]]

``ALICE`` I don’t want to pay someone’s bills! ``ALICE`` I have enough trouble paying my own. ``MAX`` We haven’t sorted out all the details yet. ``MAX`` But if either contestant DOES find true love… ``MAX`` We’ll pay to relocate them to the other town. ``ALICE`` That’s not a bad deal. ``MAX`` And they’ll be contractually obligated to let us follow them for a year as we make the follow-up show, “New Town Run Around.” [[followcareer<-I could make this a career.]] [[followask<-That’s a lot to ask.]]

``ALICE`` But what happens if someone messes up the other’s job… ``ALICE`` Or doesn’t pay their bills? ``MAX`` Then the contestant would be eligible for one of our other in-the-works shows… ``MAX`` “Overjoyed And Unemployed” or “Bankruptcy Showdown.” ``MAX`` We haven’t sorted out all the details yet. ``MAX`` But if either contestant DOES find true love… ``MAX`` We’ll pay to relocate them to the other town. ``ALICE`` That’s not a bad deal. ``MAX`` And they’ll be contractually obligated to let us follow them for a year as we make the follow-up show, “New Town Run Around.” [[followcareer<-I could make this a career.]] [[followask<-That’s a lot to ask.]]

``MAX`` Exactly! ``MAX`` Why would you ever want to work a “normal” job again? ``MAX`` We have shows, follow-up shows, pre-shows, and after shows! ``MAX`` Just think of the life you could have until the bubble bursts! ``ALICE`` Why would anyone participate in this? ``MAX`` Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. [[famedont<-I don’t.]] [[fameguess<-I guess so.]]

``MAX`` Our contracts are pretty standard with any studio. ``MAX`` We simply ask contestants to agree to star on the show… ``MAX`` Along with the follow-up show, the after-show, the pre-show… ``MAX`` And we do license their likeness for a possible made-for-TV movie. ``ALICE`` Why would anyone participate in this? ``MAX`` Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. [[famedont<-I don’t.]] [[fameguess<-I guess so.]]

``MAX`` I thought you might go there! Ever been speed dating? ``ALICE`` Sure. You sit across from someone for a few minutes… ``ALICE`` Then a buzzer sounds and you move onto the next. ``MAX`` Well this is similar with one notable exception. ``ALICE`` Which is? ``MAX`` Before the dates begin, contestants get a very concentrated dose of caffeine. ``MAX`` 600 milligrams! Equal to drinking an entire pot of coffee… ``MAX`` Or taking pedestrian-level speed. [[speedcoffee<-Coffee makes me happy.]] [[speeddangerous<-Is that dangerous?]]

``MAX`` Fantastic! I’m excited to tell you about it. ``MAX`` In this show we locate the world’s most eligible bachelors. ``ALICE`` I like where this is going. ``MAX`` These men have it all… looks… money… mansions… wives. ``ALICE`` Excuse me? They have WIVES? ``MAX`` Yes! Isn’t it brilliant? ``MAX`` Our contestants are hooked up with these men as their “side pieces.” ``MAX`` The contestants spend time with the men and get to know them… ``MAX`` Ultimately trying to convince them to leave their wives. [[wiveswrong<-That feels wrong.]] [[wivesenvelope<-It pushes the envelope.]]

``MAX`` You have excellent taste! ``MAX`` How do you feel about secrets, Alice? [[feelexist<-There’s a reason they exist.]] [[feelsure<-I’m not sure.]]

``MAX`` I was hoping you’d choose that one! ``MAX`` This one is still early in development, but I think it’s shaping up to be a hit! ``MAX`` How is it that you truly get to know someone, Alice? [[knowfun<-By having lots of fun together.]] [[knowhard<-By going through hard times.]]

``MAX`` Good to know, but we’re not letting you drink any coffee. ``MAX`` No, the caffeine is delivered just before the clock starts… ``MAX`` Through a giant syringe directly into your heart! ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``ALICE`` I’m shocked. ``MAX`` Players must switch partners every thirty seconds! ``ALICE`` Those aren’t really good conditions for dating… ``ALICE`` How does anyone strike up a meaningful conversation? ``MAX`` Thirty seconds forces people to skip the chit-chat and get to the good stuff. ``MAX`` Imagine a dating show where we don’t have to talk about careers. ``MAX`` This is the stuff viewers want to hear about… ``MAX`` Dreams, kids, sex, mortgages. [[goodtired<-I’m so tired of chit-chat.]] [[goodlike<-I like that other stuff.]]

``ALICE`` That much caffeine could make your heart explode. ``MAX`` That’s why we’ll have doctors standing by with defibrillators. ``MAX`` Have I mentioned we’re well insured? ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``ALICE`` I’m shocked. ``MAX`` Players must switch partners every thirty seconds! ``ALICE`` Those aren’t really good conditions for dating… ``ALICE`` How does anyone strike up a meaningful conversation? ``MAX`` Thirty seconds forces people to skip the chit-chat and get to the good stuff. ``MAX`` Imagine a dating show where we don’t have to talk about careers. ``MAX`` This is the stuff viewers want to hear about… ``MAX`` Dreams, kids, sex, mortgages. [[goodtired<-I’m so tired of chit-chat.]] [[goodlike<-I like that other stuff.]]

``ALICE`` I just want to know what a guy wants out of life. ``ALICE`` I don’t want to have to hear about how hard high school was for him. ``MAX`` Exactly! Dating distilled right down to the nitty-gritty. ``ALICE`` I’m just not sure if this is the show for me. ``MAX`` But there’s more. ``MAX`` While the dates are happening, contestants receive a sensory assault. ``MAX`` They’re bombarded with bright lights, loud sounds, and different smells. ``MAX`` You never know just how someone with a brain full of dopamine will react! [[reactpredictable<-It won’t be predictable.]] [[reactchaotic<-Sounds chaotic.]]

``ALICE`` It’s nice getting to know someone’s story. ``ALICE`` You know, the things that make them uniquely THEM. ``ALICE`` I’m just not sure if this is the show for me. ``MAX`` But there’s more. ``MAX`` While the dates are happening, contestants receive a sensory assault. ``MAX`` They’re bombarded with bright lights, loud sounds, and different smells. ``MAX`` You never know just how someone with a brain full of dopamine will react! [[reactpredictable<-It won’t be predictable.]] [[reactchaotic<-Sounds chaotic.]]

``MAX`` Good television never is! ``MAX`` We expect to see the formations of deep, meaningful relationships. ``ALICE`` That’s a good thing. ``MAX`` We’re also hoping for a few fistfights. ``ALICE`` You definitely know how to create original content. ``MAX`` Exactly! We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``MAX`` We’ll have measures in place to ensure things don’t get out of control. ``ALICE`` Like, doctors? ``MAX`` Security guards with tasers, actually. ``ALICE`` You definitely know how to create original content. ``MAX`` Exactly! We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``MAX`` Wrong like, something is missing? An added shock element? ``ALICE`` No! Wrong as in, like, morally. ``MAX`` Let’s see how you feel when you hear it ALL. ``ALICE`` There’s more? ``MAX`` Yes! There’s a twist! ``MAX`` While dating these wealthy gentlemen the contestant is given an added challenge. ``MAX`` If the wife DOESN’T find out about them for the duration of the show… ``MAX`` Then in addition to potentially winning the man’s love... they also receive $50,000. [[receiveanything<-Does the wife get anything?]] [[receivemoney<-That’s a lot of money.]]

``MAX`` Exactly! It’s completely innovative! ``MAX`` We’re taking something that’s been happening for centuries… ``MAX`` And putting it out there for the public. ``MAX`` It’s voyeurism at its very finest. ``MAX`` Let’s see how you feel when you hear it ALL. ``ALICE`` There’s more? ``MAX`` Yes! There’s a twist! ``MAX`` While dating these wealthy gentlemen the contestant is given an added challenge. ``MAX`` If the wife DOESN’T find out about them for the duration of the show… ``MAX`` Then in addition to potentially winning the man’s love... they also receive $50,000. [[receiveanything<-Does the wife get anything?]] [[receivemoney<-That’s a lot of money.]]

``MAX`` How about her freedom from a horrible, two-timing scoundrel? ``MAX`` Our production company will pay for the divorce and division of assets. ``ALICE`` How kind of you. ``MAX`` How else do you make good television? [[tvpain<-I don’t want to cause pain.]] [[tvright<-You’re right.]]

``MAX`` And if she’s chosen by the man, she’ll receive an additional $1 million! ``ALICE`` It sounds like you’re paying to ruin people’s lives. ``MAX`` Or paying to improve them! ``MAX`` How else do you make good television? [[tvpain<-I don’t want to cause pain.]] [[tvright<-You’re right.]]

``MAX`` Don’t think of it as causing others pain… ``MAX`` Think of it as providing millions of viewers with entertainment! ``MAX`` See? We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``ALICE`` People don’t want to suffer… they want to see others suffer. ``MAX`` That’s our magic formula! You’ve cracked it! ``MAX`` And there’s another twist! ``MAX`` To make winning hearts and getting paid even more difficult… ``MAX`` We move contestants INTO the men’s mansions and disguise them as maids! ``MAX`` See? We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``ALICE`` I just want to meet someone! ``ALICE`` There’s not a lot I won’t do at this point. ``MAX`` You’re not the first person to say that. ``MAX`` Personally, I think this air of desperation I’m getting is perfect for us. ``ALICE`` You do? ``MAX`` I sure do. ``ALICE`` Awesome! ``MAX`` However, it’s not up to me. [[upnot<-It’s not?]] [[upwho<-Who’s it up to?]]

``ALICE`` I’m not sure I have the emotional fortitude to make it through some of those. ``MAX`` Personally, I think this air of desperation I’m getting is perfect for us. ``ALICE`` You do? ``MAX`` I sure do. ``ALICE`` Awesome! ``MAX`` However, it’s not up to me. [[upnotone<-It’s not?]] [[upwhoone<-Who’s it up to?]]

``ALICE`` And there’s a reason people don’t share them. ``MAX`` And that’s exactly what we’re exploring with this show! ``MAX`` After all, secrets just weigh us down ``MAX`` In Devotional Baggage, contestants are put into male/female pairs. ``MAX`` For each deep, dark secret they tell one another, they receive $10,000 cash. ``MAX`` Sound good so far? [[cashcount<-Count me in.]] [[cashwait<-Waiting for the other shoe…]]

``MAX`` Exactly! Why keep them locked up? ``MAX`` By letting go of them we can truly be free. ``MAX`` After all, secrets just weigh us down ``MAX`` In Devotional Baggage, contestants are put into male/female pairs. ``MAX`` For each deep, dark secret they tell one another, they receive $10,000 cash. ``MAX`` Sound good so far? [[cashcount<-Count me in.]] [[cashwait<-Waiting for the other shoe…]]

``ALICE`` My secrets aren’t all that shocking anyway. ``MAX`` It’s not the depth of the secrets that’s important… ``MAX`` It’s the number of them you’re carrying around. ``MAX`` Following these earth-shattering reveals… ``MAX`` The females choose the male whose secrets didn’t scare them off. ``MAX`` Then they run an intense obstacle course together. ``MAX`` Along the way, stopping to answer questions at various checkpoints. ``MAX`` Through those questions they get to know one another better. ``MAX`` These questions will help them work together as a team, or force them apart. [[checkpointyes<-I like a challenge.]] [[checkpointno<-Sounds too hard.]]

``ALICE`` I can’t help but feel like there’s more to it. ``MAX`` Following these earth-shattering reveals… ``MAX`` The females choose the male whose secrets didn’t scare them off. ``MAX`` Then they run an intense obstacle course together. ``MAX`` Along the way, stopping to answer questions at various checkpoints. ``MAX`` Through those questions they get to know one another better. ``MAX`` These questions will help them work together as a team, or force them apart. [[checkpointyes<-I like a challenge.]] [[checkpointno<-Sounds too hard.]]

``ALICE`` This actually sounds like a lot of fun! ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``MAX`` Remember that $10,000 I spoke of earlier? ``ALICE`` I sure do. ``MAX`` We take that cash, put it in canvas bags, and strap it to the contestants! ``MAX`` In this scenario, their secrets truly do weigh them down! ``MAX`` At any point they can remove bags to move faster. ``MAX`` The first couple to the finish line gets to keep all money still attached. ``ALICE`` The theme is good. I’ll keep it in mind. ``MAX`` See? We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``ALICE`` I’m not really into physical challenges. ``ALICE`` Unless that challenge is getting the wine glass to my lips. ``MAX`` But there’s a twist! ``MAX`` Remember that $10,000 I spoke of earlier? ``ALICE`` I sure do. ``MAX`` We take that cash, put it in canvas bags, and strap it to the contestants! ``MAX`` In this scenario, their secrets truly do weigh them down! ``MAX`` At any point they can remove bags to move faster. ``MAX`` The first couple to the finish line gets to keep all money still attached. ``ALICE`` The theme is good. I’ll keep it in mind. ``MAX`` See? We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``MAX`` Well, sure. When things are good, they’re good. ``MAX`` But it’s only when the chips are down that we see who people really are. ``MAX`` Adversity reveals one’s true character! ``MAX`` In this show we find 30 single men and 30 single women… ``MAX`` And we invite them on a beautiful Caribbean cruise! ``MAX`` Do you like cruises, Alice? [[cruiseyes<-I love them!]] [[cruiseno<-I’ve never been.]]

``MAX`` You’re absolutely right! ``MAX`` Adversity reveals one’s true character! ``MAX`` In this show we find 30 single men and 30 single women… ``MAX`` And we invite them on a beautiful Caribbean cruise! ``MAX`` Do you like cruises, Alice? [[cruiseyes<-I love them!]] [[cruiseno<-I’ve never been.]]

``ALICE`` The sun, the sand, the fun, the dancing… I love it all! ``MAX`` Then this may be the show for you! ``ALICE`` With 60 people on a boat, how do you expect them to find love? ``MAX`` That’s simple, Alice. We throw some adversity at them. ``ALICE`` How? ``MAX`` Over the course of the three-week cruise we’d attack them biologically. ``ALICE`` What’s that now? ``MAX`` We’d give them food poisoning… awful diarrhea… sea sickness! ``ALICE`` Why would you do that? ``MAX`` Because for every sick passenger, there is potential. ``ALICE`` The potential of death? ``MAX`` The potential for someone to nurse them back to health… ``MAX`` And the potential to create a love connection. MAX You were made for this cruise, Alice. [[madepeople<-I do like taking care of people.]] [[madedoubt<-Somehow I doubt it.]]

``MAX`` Never been? They’re to die for! ``MAX`` Imagine fun in the sun! Endless fruity drinks! Non-stop dancing! ``ALICE`` With 60 people on a boat, how do you expect them to find love? ``MAX`` That’s simple, Alice. We throw some adversity at them. ``ALICE`` How? ``MAX`` Over the course of the three-week cruise we’d attack them biologically. ``ALICE`` What’s that now? ``MAX`` We’d give them food poisoning… awful diarrhea… sea sickness! ``ALICE`` Why would you do that? ``MAX`` Because for every sick passenger, there is potential. ``ALICE`` The potential of death? ``MAX`` The potential for someone to nurse them back to health… ``MAX`` And the potential to create a love connection. ``MAX`` You were made for this cruise, Alice. [[madepeople<-I do like taking care of people.]] [[madedoubt<-Somehow I doubt it.]]

``MAX`` It would allow you to show the world your maternal instincts… ``MAX`` As well as your tolerance level for bodily fluids. ``ALICE`` Now you’re just making it sound less appealing. ``MAX`` But we’re pioneering new genres of reality dating. ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``ALICE`` I’m not a fan of my OWN bodily functions, let alone another person’s. ``MAX`` We’re pioneering new genres of reality dating, here! ``MAX`` This is a chance to be a part of something revolutionary! ``MAX`` Tell me your thoughts on all of the shows. Be honest. ``ALICE`` They’re not quite what I expected. ``MAX`` Are they MORE than you expected? ``ALICE`` In ways I can’t even begin to describe. ``MAX`` So what do you say, Alice? ``MAX`` Do any of these productions sounds good to you? [[signyes<-Yes!]] [[signno<-I’ll pass.]]

``ALICE`` I thought you were doing the evaluation? ``MAX`` I am, but we’ve found an airtight system for finding potential contestants. ``MAX`` It takes the personal feelings out of the equation. ``MAX`` Each of the questions we asked you had a numeric value. ``MAX`` Those scores have been tabulated and will help us link you to a show. ``MAX`` It’s all very scientific and complicated. Try not to think about it too much. ``ALICE`` Okay… so did I qualify for anything? ``MAX`` Unfortunately, you didn’t. [[understandyes<-I understand.]] [[understandno<-That's impossible!]]

``MAX`` Our system, HBDTWI. ``ALICE`` What’s that stand for? ``MAX`` It’s our “How Bad Do They Want It” system. ``MAX`` Each of the questions we asked you had a numeric value. ``MAX`` Those scores have been tabulated and will help us link you to a show. ``MAX`` It’s all very scientific and complicated. Try not to think about it too much. ``ALICE`` Okay… so did I qualify for anything? ``MAX`` Unfortunately, you didn’t. [[understandyes<-I understand.]] [[understandno<-That's impossible!]]

``MAX`` I was really pulling for you there. ``MAX`` In fact, if you’d scored just one more point… ``MAX`` You would have qualified for our upcoming show, “Desperate Hearts.” ``MAX`` What’s that one about? ``MAX`` In it, female contestants can choose to go on a date with one of several men… ``MAX`` Each exhibiting a rare quality that makes them unique. [[qualityhow<-Unique how?]] [[qualitytwist<-I bet there’s a twist.]]

``MAX`` I'm kidding, Alice! You did qualify! ``ALICE`` That’s great news! Which show is it? ``MAX`` Surprisingly, it’s one we hadn’t discussed yet… ``MAX`` It’s called “The 500.” ``ALICE`` Sounds cool. ``MAX`` In it, we have one very eligible bachelor… and 500 very desperate women who want to try for his attention. ``ALICE`` 500!? ``MAX`` Yes. They’ll all go on a lavishly expensive group date together. ``MAX`` There will be food, fun, and copious amounts of alcohol. ``MAX`` As the date goes on, the bachelor will eliminate them all one-by-one… ``MAX`` These eliminations, of course, are based on very vague and superficial reasons. ``MAX`` But that lucky girls who make it to the final two will have the opportunity of a lifetime! ``ALICE`` A chance at one million dollars? ``MAX`` No… they’ll have the opportunity to hold civilized conversation with our bachelor. ``MAX`` Provided they’re still sober. ``MAX`` That’s the best I have to offer, Alice. ``MAX`` Take it or leave it. ``ALICE`` Fine. I’ll take it. ``MAX`` Excellent! I'll have my people call your people to set everything up. ``MAX`` So nice meeting you, Alice! You're going to be a star. I can feel it. //[[endingthree<-Max has left the chat.]]//

``MAX`` Unique in that it’s nothing you’ve seen on television before! ``ALICE`` Try me. ``MAX`` Contestants would be able to pick from a pool of truly desperate fellows… ``MAX`` One may have frequent flatulence; another may suffer from narcolepsy… ``MAX`` While another may be overly sensitive, or even terminally ill. ``MAX`` It’s a real tear jerker of a show. ``ALICE`` I’ll do it. ``MAX`` Excuse me? ``ALICE`` I said I’ll do it. ``ALICE`` You don’t understand, Max… I’m starting to think I’ll never meet a guy. ``MAX`` Are you sure? ``ALICE`` I don’t care about scores, or answers, or numbers… ``ALICE`` Just tell me what I have to do to get on the show, and I’ll do it. ``MAX`` … ``MAX`` You have to eat pig intestines. ``ALICE`` I’m in. ``MAX`` Excellent! I'll have my people call your people to set everything up. ``MAX`` So nice meeting you, Alice! You're going to be a star. I can feel it. //[[endingtwo<-Max has left the chat.]]//

``MAX`` You know me too well. ``MAX`` Contestants would be able to pick from a pool of truly desperate fellows… ``MAX`` One may have frequent flatulence; another may suffer from narcolepsy… ``MAX`` While another may be overly sensitive, or even terminally ill. ``MAX`` It’s a real tear jerker of a show. ``ALICE`` How come I didn’t qualify for THAT? ``MAX`` The most minimal qualification includes being able to text message quickly. ``MAX`` And, I’m sorry to say, you are quite slow. ``MAX`` What do you have, Alice? A flip phone? ``MAX`` It was nice chatting with you. ``MAX`` Tell Lucas I said hello. //[[endingone<-Max has left the chat.]]//

//Following her conversation with Max, Alice went to the store to purchase a tub of ice cream, the contents of which she ate unto herself. In the hours of regret that followed, Alice fed her 18 cats, tuned her radio to the saddest country-western station she could find, and promptly reactivated her online dating profiles.// [[Preface<-Try, try again.]]

//Alice went on to become a season favorite on the basic cable show “Desperate Hearts.” It was there that she, much to her surprise, met and developed a deep connection with her new husband, Orson. And despite the fact that Orson suffers from semi-violent night terrors, life has been pretty darn good to Alice. Each year on her wedding anniversary, Alice sends a thank you card to her best friend, Zoey.// [[Preface<-But maybe things could have been different...]]

``ALICE`` I thought you were doing the evaluation? ``MAX`` I am, but we’ve found an airtight system for finding potential contestants. ``MAX`` It takes the personal feelings out of the equation. ``MAX`` Each of the questions we asked you had a numeric value. ``MAX`` Those scores have been tabulated and will help us link you to a show. ``MAX`` It’s all very scientific and complicated. Try not to think about it too much. ``ALICE`` Okay… so did I qualify for anything? ``MAX`` Unfortunately, you didn’t. [[understandyesone<-I understand.]] [[understandnoone<-That's impossible!]]

``MAX`` Our system, HBDTWI. ``ALICE`` What’s that stand for? ``MAX`` It’s our “How Bad Do They Want It” system. ``MAX`` Each of the questions we asked you had a numeric value. ``MAX`` Those scores have been tabulated and will help us link you to a show. ``MAX`` It’s all very scientific and complicated. Try not to think about it too much. ``ALICE`` Okay… so did I qualify for anything? ``MAX`` Unfortunately, you didn’t. [[understandyesone<-I understand.]] [[understandnoone<-That's impossible!]]

``MAX`` But that's okay, Alice. ``ALICE`` You could have fooled me. ``MAX`` Those ideas I shared? They were all fake. ``ALICE`` What? Why? I don’t understand. ``MAX`` It was a test. Come on, I work in reality TV. ``MAX`` Even though you’re Lucas’ friend, I had to make sure you weren’t bonkers. ``MAX`` Reality TV casting tends to attract… interesting people. ``MAX`` Many of whom are just inches away from being full blown sociopaths. ``MAX`` But I’m glad you were truthful with your answers. ``MAX`` And I appreciate you didn’t try to be anyone but you. ``MAX`` You’d be amazed at what some people will say or do to get on TV. ``ALICE`` I needed you to see me for me. ``ALICE`` I needed ME to be comfortable with me. ``MAX`` Trust me, I’ve seen and heard it all. ``MAX`` In fact, you just might be the most genuine person I’ve ever interviewed. ``ALICE`` Really? ``MAX`` And I think you’d be perfect for a show I have. [[perfectyes<-That’s amazing!]] [[perfectno<-What’s the catch?]]

//Zoey and her husband watched “The 500” religiously that summer. They were amazed that the show’s producers were able to turn a single four-hour date into 26 separate ninety-minute episodes. More so, Zoey was amazed when Alice, sixteen episodes in, finally made it through the crowd and close enough to speak to Donald, the show’s eligible bachelor. Unfortunately, Alice was eliminated shortly after for being “threateningly intellectual.”// [[Preface<-But maybe things could have been different...]]

``ALICE`` Maybe there’s hope for me yet! ``MAX`` You seem to know reality TV very well. I take it you’re a fan? ``ALICE`` More than I’d like to admit. ``MAX`` Are you familiar with my show “Unattached?” ``ALICE`` Are you kidding? It’s the biggest show on TV! ``ALICE`` Millions of people watch it! ``MAX`` Do YOU watch it? ``ALICE`` Of course! The drama, the romance, the flower ceremonies… I love it all. ``MAX`` I’d like you to be our bachelorette on the next season of Unattached. ``ALICE`` You’re kidding me! ``MAX`` I’m not. ``MAX`` I’m willing to help you find “the one,” Alice. ``MAX`` You’ll be a television star and your life will change forever. ``MAX`` All I need to hear is one little word… ``MAX`` And together, we’ll make Nielsen Ratings history. [[goodending<-Yes, I’ll do it.]] [[bestending<-No, I can’t.]]

``ALICE`` I don’t have to eat pig intestines, do I? ``MAX`` Hardly. ``MAX`` You seem to know reality TV very well. I take it you’re a fan? ``ALICE`` More than I’d like to admit. ``MAX`` Are you familiar with my show “Unattached?” ``ALICE`` Are you kidding? It’s the biggest show on TV! ``ALICE`` Millions of people watch it! ``MAX`` Do YOU watch it? ``ALICE`` Of course! The drama, the romance, the flower ceremonies… I love it all. ``MAX`` I’d like you to be our bachelorette on the next season of Unattached. ``ALICE`` You’re kidding me! ``MAX`` I’m not. ``MAX`` I’m willing to help you find “the one,” Alice. ``MAX`` You’ll be a television star and your life will change forever. ``MAX`` All I need to hear is one little word… ``MAX`` And together, we’ll make Nielsen Ratings history. [[goodending<-Yes, I’ll do it.]] [[bestending<-No, I can’t.]]

``MAX`` Wonderful! Tomorrow I’m flying you out to Los Angeles. ``MAX`` We have lots of work to do! ``ALICE`` Tomorrow!? What about my job? My bills? My cats? ``MAX`` You’re going to be a reality star, Alice! ``MAX`` You don’t have to worry about those things anymore. ``MAX`` All you need to focus on is getting ready for prime time! ``MAX`` We’re going to find a nice group of guys for you to meet… ``MAX`` Get you together on TV and you watch… we’ll find you a husband. ``MAX`` Heck, the lucky guy will even be contractually obligated to get engaged to you. ``MAX`` It’s everything you wanted, Alice! ``MAX`` Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! //[[endingfour<-Max has left the chat.]]//

``MAX`` I’m sorry? I thought you said it was your favorite show. ``ALICE`` I did! It is! ``ALICE`` It’s just… the reality TV star thing… it’s not me. ``ALICE`` I’m fine with not having a million people watching me each week. ``ALICE`` I don’t need people to know my name. ``ALICE`` I don’t want guys all around the world falling in love with me. ``ALICE`` I just want to find the one. ``ALICE`` And it’s becoming more and more clear that there’s only one thing I need… ``MAX`` Yeah, a TV show! ``ALICE`` No! Not a TV show! ``ALICE`` I need patience. ``MAX`` Well, good luck out there, Alice. ``MAX`` I know you’ll find him eventually. ``ALICE`` Me too, Max. ``ALICE`` And until then… I have my cats. ``MAX`` You know, that’s not a bad idea for a TV show… ``ALICE`` Bye, Max. //[[endingfive<-You have left the chat.]]//

//Alice’s season of “The Unattached” set television ratings history. Each week millions tuned in to watch as Alice desperately tried to have intellectual conversations with former fraternity members that were more interested in fighting one another than getting to know the show’s star. In the season finale, Alice got engaged to Aaron, who separated himself from the pack by asking about her instead of talking about himself. The pair is contractually obligated to star in the follow-up show, “After the Attachment,” coming this fall.// [[Preface<-But things could have turned out very, very different...]]

//Alice decided that if she was going to find the man of her dreams, it wasn’t going to be through a swiping app, a dating website, or a nationally syndicated television program… it was going to be the old fashioned way: going out and meeting people. One day while sipping an Americano in a coffee house downtown, the animal shelter next door erupted into flames. Without any regard for her well-being, Alice abandoned her drink and darted inside, hoping to save the animals. Through the fire and the smoke, she came face-to-face with Dalton, a tall, dark, and handsome cat lover, who had similarly abandoned a book in the park in order to brave the flames.// [[Preface<-Of course, things could have turned out very, very different...]]