don't steal the amulet

//This is the honorific that's reserved for socialites, debutant(e)s, and popular chiptune DJ's that inhabit this sector of the galaxy. Gender has long since been abolished, replaced by an abstract dualistic system of: being a thief, not being a thief.\n\nNo other axes of identification exist. In fact, in your last heist, you stole all categories from language itself. You stole gender and sold it for 3 Credits so you could make rent.\n\nIt so stands, as the sole owner of the concept of identity, you are also the very last thief in the galaxy.//\n\n[[>>|2]]

//<big>CURRENT KNOWN THIEF TRICKS:</big>//\n* Stolen Identity: //You stole your own identity as a thief to pretend you're not a thief in order to be a better thief.//\n* Unstoppable Fingers: //Your digits literally cannot stop moving and are always swiping things. Great for tickling.//\n* The Ferdinand Technique: //Your social media account is so impenetrably bizarre, no one would dare steal from you.//\n* Night of the Broken Harp: //All your heists get a really cool epitath in the news. This misleads detectives because they never have anything to do with your prizes.//\n* Great At Kissing: //Kissing is an inherent roguish act. Your lips are the softest; two wet pearly gates into Smooch Heaven.//\n\n[[>>|1]]

[[LOCATION: The Avaricio estate\nMISSION: Meet the in-laws\nTIME: Dinner|1]]

<big>hi everyone, ruben here\n\nthanks for playing this game i wrote in one night, urged by @incredible_ass after making this tweet: https://twitter.com/urbanfriendden/status/782978733183528961\n\ni love you and i hope you smiled a lot playing this. that will have been worth it\n\ntell your dad about this game and make him play it\n\neat the rich\n\nalso spread the word about me as an author. that'd be cool of you\n\nbye xoxo</big>

//You acrobatically slide across the table, you pick up the chipper frog you were dared to kill, determined to save it from this wicked household. You keep sliding, using the trail of tears that spilled from your goblet moments ago to SSX Tricky towards the shimmering amulet.\n\nLike a cosmic boarder riding waves in the great sea of timelines to a better future, you and your amphibian companion cowabunga past the stars and into the credits roll.\n\nThe universe is yours. It always have been. Every choice you make is worth it, every breath you take is worth it.//\n\n[[>>|xxxxx]]

//You finish the last sentence of your autobiography-thus-far with a slipshod, but fun and personal penstroke. You place Europe on the open pages, reminding you where to start again if a new adventure meets your life.//\n\n[[>>|THANKS]]

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//The air is pungent with the unmistakable scent of lucre. You know this because, as a master thief, you have spent a lot of time watching guides on YouTube about [[Thief Tricks]] and [[Thief Lore]]. Your favourite video is 'Identifying the Unmistakable Scent of Lucre and Trip Mines'.\n\nYour partner has brought you here, the Avaricio estate. Here you will meet your future in-laws. You never knew that the one you loved the most is a member of the second-richest family in the galaxy; perhaps that's why it was never brought to your attention. As the universe's most well-known thief, you are known for sometimes stealing a thing.\n\nYou were specifically instructed not to steal the shimmering amulet in the glass case in the living room.\n\nYour father-in-law clears his throat.//\n\n"Please, [[signoryn|signorin]], pay no heed to the shimmering amulet in the glass case in the living room. Also, if you are a master thief you are not welcome in this family and please leave."

"O-ho? When were you intending to tell of us this grand purchase, Catalyn?"\n\n//Your fiancy stomps on your foot, breaking several bones and reducing your shoe size by two.//\n\n"Personally, now this has come to light, we would rather the both of you perish so we get to inherit all of space. Nothing personal, it is business, after all."\n\n[[>>|5]]

//Your father-in-law is a tall, intimidating man. Though he is seated, he has artificially enhanced his height by arranging electrum coins to spell out the words 'CASH DAD' underneath his butt - feh, textbook anti-thief measures.//\n\n"Now, tell me, how you two met?"\n\n1. [[We met in Anti-Venice, the city slowly floating into space. I was there on business -- I'm sure you've heard of the Piazza di Denaro Male? I was one of many entrepeneurs looking to purchase all of space the moment the city would breach the stratosphere. I had to tweet about it, and so I missed my chance. I missed my chance to... that's right. We made eye-contact and, here we are! I am still filled with endless rancour.|3]]\n\n2. [[It was four years ago, in the cold and ancient ruins of San Francisco, CA. My informant told me there was a mystical presence somewhere inside of the Valley of Silicons. After enduring countless assaults from tekk star-tups, I found the source. A holy string of code to control all of space: your child.|4]] \n\n3. [ [[Steal the shimmering amulet in the glass case]] ]

"Ah, behold, the pièce de resistance has arrived."\n\n//A squadron of rebels in full combat gear rappel through the skylight, communicating through sign language that //"i think he meant résistance not resistance"//, //"oh that's quite embarrassing isn't it"//, //"sorry for the inconvenience"//. They all roadie-run up the stairs and are never seen again.//\n\n//Meanwhile, a servant has placed a silver bowl on the dining table.//\n\n[[>>|6]]

"Theodora, I never knew our child was mysterious code residing within agelost technological ruins."\n\n"I've always had a suspicion. I'm very proud as a mother and as a programmer."\n\n//Your fiancy makes an attempt on your life, using a deep bottle of Pommery Brut Royal, 20XX, a great year, to drown you. You intuit your fiancy is upset with you, possibly for making the genesis to your union nothing less than a patronising fable.//\n\n[[>>|5]]

//The mansion, normally accompanied with a pleasant nu-jazz soundtrack, has fallen completely silent. The machine-like pounding of your heart, loud like pistons of a factory producing shame and regret, seemingly makes no sound.//\n\n//Then, the madame of the manor begins crying.//\n\n//Your fiancy swiftly annulls your engagement using a smartphone app.//\n\n"Did you. Just." The father faints, dies, becomes a ghost, and decides to pass onto the next life after all, as to never be exposed to this horror ever again.\n\n//And I, the narrator and creator of this game, although having framed this as a feasible option, am, quite frankly, shocked and appaled and I will strike your grave with a bouquet of rotten flowers for generations to come.//\n\n//You suddenly realise: <big>[[PACIFIC TREE FROGS DON'T 'CROAK', THEY ONLY RIBBIT.]]</big>//

//When the lid is lifted, your dinner is revealed: a humble, green frog, delighted to be here. She croaks assuringly that she is okay with being here.//\n\n"Catalyn, I am against this," //you say.//\n\n//Your fiancy reminds you of the importance of this dinner by breaking one of your ribs, the most crucial one.//\n\n"Signoryn," //father-in-law speaks,// "herald us in, into the dining times, by performing the customary Rich Murder on this Pacific Tree Frog."\n\n1. [[ [We are all victim to the capricious whims of modern adventure gaming. I have no choice but to see this violent storyline to its natural end.] |7]] \n\n2. [[ [Cry] |8]]\n\n3. [[ [Recruit the frog as one of your cohorts and together steal the shimmering amulet in the glass case] |xxx]]

"That is absolutely not how killing works--"\n\n//Your fiancy grapples you into matrimonial submission before you ruin it for the both of you.//\n\n"Catalyn," //father says,// "I am so rich I have become wholly untethered to any social reality that does not posit me as its ruler."\n\n"Happens to the best of us, dear," //mother adds.//\n\n"Ah oui. So logic dictates to never trust a thief, but a fallen thief should be an extremely good person, is something I can conclude also using logic."\n\n//Both of them begin to emanate a dark light from their eyes, shuddering in unison:// "kiss our rings and be assimilated into our family."\n\n[[>>|final]]

//You begin to cry. You aim directly into your goblet and keep drinking to keep the lacrimose juice flowing, spilling some.//\n\n"Is something the matter, signoryn?"\n\n"Masterful at thievery as I am, I simply cannot 'steal' a life from an amphibian with this much pulchritude. Also I admit I am a thief after all I guess."\n\n//The father daps a napkin against his bristly mouth, despite having eaten naught.// "You blobbering mess of valid emotions, we have set up a trap into which you have blindly traipsed."\n\n"NANI?!" //you exclaim.//\n\n"That is not a Pacific Tree Frog, you fool. You jester. You absolute fucker. We wanted to know if you could, indeed, 'steal' life from beauteous beasts such as these, valuable in their splendour. So, thief? I think not.\n\n[[So yeah, welcome to the family, signoryn.|9]]

//You are offered the blessing of your fiancy's parents, but only if you perform the Ring Kiss Ritual that rich folk are just so fucking fond of. Father's rings seem to all shimmer in the limelight of decision.//\n\n<center>What do you do?</center>\n\n1. [[ [You have resisted unquantifiable temptation this evening, all for love. If this is what love requires, then this is what love begets.] |ending1]]\n\n2. [[ [Your history and pride as a steal-doer would not have you fulfill this. Now is the time to remain true to yourself; your fiancy's constant brutalities to convince you to go through with this? Hella messed up. Remember your training. Use your Thief Tricks to escape this bourgeois balderdash.\n\nThat's right. Steal the shimmering amulet in the glass case. ]|ending2]]

Don't steal the amulet

//When the lid is lifted, your dinner is revealed: a humble, green frog, delighted to be here. She croaks assuringly that she is okay with being here.//\n\n[[Try again? Please, erase this timeline. Spare us all your cruelty.|6]]

//You deftly use your Versatile Crime Tongue to butter up the frog (in her own language) to the promises of prizes and the allure of lucre. She pauses, as you informed her that she is actually not on display for being a gorgeous creature that is loved by all, as she herself was told, but is actually a dinner menu item.\n\nShe hops onto your shoulder and together you rush towards the shimmering amulet inside of the glass case. You yell, //"Use your Versatile Crime Tongue to remove the glass case!"\n\n//She proceeds to do so, and you die instantly.\n\nHer strongest of tongues did succeed in removing the glass case, but unfortunately for you, in her ecstacy at having succeeded this task, she gave you a friendly lick. Which removed all of your skin and bones and other important bits also.//\n\n[[Regain your form and try again?|6]]

You cough, a convincing chunk of fake thief phlegm evacuates your lungs.\n\n"Excuse me, I seem to be dying of Tuberculosis 2."\n\n"Ock, so very common this time of year. You are excused."\n\nYou make a beeline for the shimmering amulet in the glass case. Examining your surroundings carefully, you meticulously lay out a plan for a skillful getaway with the loot. However, any hope for any of that is blown into smithereens as you are blown into smitheroons.\n\nThat unmistakable smell of lucre was, unfortunately, the [[quite-mistakable smell of a trip mine|wompwomp]] primed near the glass case.\n\nYour fiancy mourns you briefly, but finds love pretty soon afterwards.\n\n[[Try again?|2]]

//The air is pungent with the unmistakable scent of lucre. You know this, because, as a master thief, you have spent a lot of time watching guides on YouTube on Thief Tricks, Thief Lore, and 'Identifying the Unmistakable Scent of Lucre and Trip Mines'.//\n\n[[>>|Steal the shimmering amulet in the glass case]]

//You plant your thick wet lips on each of the rings presented to you. Father and mother hum and thrum in approval. They hang the shimmering amulet out of the glass case around your neck; proof you are now part of the family.\n\nYour fiancy is clapping, first in congratulations, then in a rhythm, as if providing a baseline to the melodies emitted from your in-laws. Your new medallion is burning into your chest. Together, they achieve harmonic resonance that tears asunder the moral fabrics that weaves the universe together. The threads of fate that escape property laws are becoming undone.\n\nIt is then that every piece of the galactic puzzle falls into their respective cosmic place. You, the last thief in the galaxy. Your fiancy, who has purchased all of space. Your parents-in-law, rich as fuck. This was a set-up. They needed you to give up your thiefdom, as you were the last remaining bulwark to an uncontested sprawl of wealth-ruled hegemony. And now you're a crystal statue. You kind of screwed the pooch on this one.\n\nI mean. They're called the 'Avaricios' for Pete's sake ! !//\n\n[[>>|THANKS]]

//The shimmering rings of your about-to-be father-in-law reminds you of a similar shine. A certain, amuletine twinkle. My God. Yes, this is it. It is finally happening.\n\nYou recognise that the key mechanism to unlocking the glass case containing the shimmering amulet is a matter of depressing the hidden switch in his ring. You activate your Great At Kissing Thief Trick and pucker* that sucker**\n\n*kiss\n** ring\n\nYou hear two clicks: the first belongs to your father-in-law's serpentine tongue as he realises what you just have, and the second is of the glass case becoming detached from its pedestal.//\n\n[[GO GO GO|go]]

Ruben Ferdinand

//In 1848, thieving was invented by the Parisian revolutionary Rogue Nimble who took something without asking and was instantly killed for it. From that decisive, historical moment, people started doing the same. \n\nEurope fell into complete anarchy (the thief's ideology) and within three days there was a hole in reality where the continent once was. Indeed, the very idea and the material reality of Europe was stolen, by none other than your mother! She gifted it (reverse-stole) to you when you turned 18.\n\nYou use it as a paper weight.//\n\n[[>>|1]]