So You Killed a Guy

Congratulations! You are now responsible for a murder. It's fine, lots of people do it! What's important is that you don't freak out. The ones who freak out are usually the ones who get caught, and you, my friend, do not want to get caught. Fortunately, that's why this guide is here for you. Fortunately, this is why I am here to talk you through the steps to take now that you have found yourself responsible for sending somebody to the undiscovered country. What's important is that you follow these instructions to the letter. You with me? [["Yes."|Perfect]] [["No."|Perfect]] [["I didn't send them anywhere, I just killed them."]]

Perfect! Let's work this out together, then! Now, I'm going to have to ask you a very important question here and I completely understand if you'd rather not answer it. I also have no respect for that stance because, as I said, it's a very important question. How did you do it? [["Poison."]] [["Frozen leg of lamb to the head."]] [["I'm confused."]]

That's what I... You know, what never mind. We don't have a whole lot of time. Any minute now you are going to have the police bursting down your door, and while a greater understanding of literary history and turns of phrases may serve you well in the long-term, in the short-term *you are going to be arrested for literally killing somebody*. [["Fine, fine..."|Perfect]] [["Please explain the reference to me."]]

Oh, for... Alright, fine, but we'll have to be quick. Do you have a copy of Hamlet on you? [["Oh, yeah, I always keep a copy on me when I go round killing people."]] [["Yes."]]

Alright, you know what, there's no need to be sarcastic, alright? I'm trying to help you out here! In case you haven't noticed, you have literally killed another human being. You have taken a life. And I've not only taken the time out to give you advice, and to genuinely assist you in what must be an incredibly tough time for you, but I've even humoured your attempt to turn this crime scene into a literary discussion circle, okay? So don't go taking that tone with me, you understand? [["I'm sorry."]] [["Uh...I wasn't being sarcastic."]]

Oh! Oh, well that's great, then! ...You seriously just have one on you? [["Oh, yeah, I always keep a copy on me when I go round killing people."]] [["No, I'm being sarcastic."]]

It's alright, it's fine. So... Is there anywhere you can get a copy, or...? [["Wait, are we still on the Hamlet thing?"]] [["I mean, there's a bookstore just a few minutes' walk from here."]]

Oh, right... Sorry, it's just been one of those days. So, you do have a copy, then? [["Yes."]]

Yes, we're still on the Hamlet thing! You asked a question, I'm going to answer it. Now, answer *my* question: Is there anywhere nearby where you can pick up a copy of Hamlet? [["I mean, there's a bookstore just a few minutes' walk from here."]] [["Can we get back to the murder?"]]

Yes! Go pick up a copy, right now! I'll wait right here, just go, do it! I'll still be here when you get back, don't worry! [["Alright, I'll be right back"]]

Oh, so *now* we want to get back to the murder, do we? All of a sudden this Hamlet stuff is too boring for you, is it? You know what, screw you! I had a kick-ass story about trying to hide this body planned out, and just to be generous, I thought I'd give you some leg-room to control things, you know? Let you influence the outcome of the events! And on top of all of that, when you do inevitably derail things, I actually go out of my way to humour you! I could have just forced you back to trying to dispose of that body, but no, I let you get to here, and now you're telling me what I should or shouldn't get back to? Let me... Let me take over here, clearly giving you the driving wheel was a mistake. Now, [[go and track down a copy of Hamlet]]

Oh, what's this!? There was one in the adjoining room! Fantastic! Right, now [[open the book]]

[[Act Three, Scene One, Line 85-7, motherfucker]]

"But that the dread of something after death the undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns" Yeah? Did you read that? I hope you didn't get bored and start thinking of something else halfway through, as you're clearly wont to do. Right, now... [[Interpret the shit out of that passage]]

So, the undiscovered country is death, isn't it? And 'no traveller returns' because... they're dead! And we don't... come back from death. So... it's the undiscovered country, because no living person has discovered it. Pretty neat, huh? [["Yeah, that's pretty cool"]] [["..."]]

Yeah, I thought so, too! Uh, look, I know this is wildly off-topic, but... I actually... ugh, this is dumb, but I hold this weekly 'reading-group/discussion-circle' kind of thing at my place? On Thursdays. I don't know, you don't have to come if you're not interested, but... I mean... it beats hanging around with dead bodies, right? [["Agh... Thursdays... I'm kind of... I can't really, uh..."]] [["No."|bookclub]]

You don't think that's neat? Oh, come on, that's a pretty cool sentence, don't you think? [["I mean, it's alright, I guess...]] [["I just... don't see what this has to do with my current predicament"]]

Oh... right, yeah, I mean that's cool, if you're busy or whatever. You know what? Forget I even mentioned it, it was a dumb idea, really. Sorry about that. Uh, so... where were we? [["No, no need to... you know, apologise, I'm just... I'm kind of swamped, you know? I would love to, but it's just..."]] [["The murder. I think I just killed a guy?"]]

Wow, okay. I mean, there's no need to be rude about it. If you're not interested, you could have just put it more politely, really. I mean, I get it, it's probably not what a person wants to do with their Thursday evening, that's fine, but damn... lose the attitude, okay? [["I'm sorry, it's just been a long day"]] [["I've killed somebody! I don't have time to talk about a fucking book club, alright?"]]

It's fine, it's fine, I understand. I just thought you'd be interested, that's all. Offer's on the table, if you ever can make it! [["Well... I mean, I can probably try and swing by, I guess..."]] [["It's probably not going to happen, sorry..."]]

Oh, right, yes, of course! Hang on, let me find my notes... Okay, [[here we go|Congratulations!]]

Okay, that's... that's great! You'll love it, I promise! We're actually going to be tackling a few of Roald Dahl's short stories, in a few weeks, it's going to be great. I'm actually going to be doing lamb especially for it! [["I don't get it."]] [["Oh... right, because of the story, right?"]]

Okay, okay. That's, uh... that's cool. [[We should probably press on with this whole 'murder' deal, anyway, that's bound to take up more of our time|Congratulations!]]

Well it's-- Don't worry, never mind. This is great! I'm actually going to shoot off, and let everybody know we've got somebody new coming along! You, uh... you good to handle this whole dead body thing, yourself? [["Yeah, I've got this"|Fantastic.]] [["Uh, well, I don't think I..."|Fantastic.]]

Yeah, exactly! Betty came up with that one, actually, we all had a good laugh over that. [["Sorry, who's Betty?"]] [["Yeah, it's... it's kind of funny, I guess"]]

That is great! I'll catch you later! Try not to get caught before the meeting, and I will see you soon! [[FIN]]

End. [[Would you like to go again?|Congratulations!]]

Oh, she's from the book club, you'll be meeting her, don't worry. She's a good laugh, she is. A character, you know? ... Yeah, that reminds me actually, I should probably let the other's know you're coming. You got this whole murder thing covered, right? [["Uh, no, not really..."|Fantastic.]] [["Yeah, pretty much, actually"|Fantastic.]]

Mm... yeah... So... yeah, anyway, I'm going to shoot off. You got this whole murder thing covered right? [["Definitely not"|Fantastic.]] [["Uh, kind of..."|Fantastic.]]

It's alright. I guess I understand, it's not everday that we find ourselves, all... post-murder and stuff, really. Uh... speaking of which, you still need help getting rid of that body? [["Uh, yeah, that'd be appreciated, actually"]] [["Nah, I've got this covered, I think."]]

Oh, la-de-da! Look at you Mister 'I'm-too-good-to-discuss-literature-because-I've-murdered-a-human-being'. You make me sick, you know? Here I am extending you an opportunity to broaden your cultural horizons, but apparently ensuring that you don't do jail time for murder is somehow more important! Well, fine! Dispose of your precious fucking body then! But don't come crawling to me for help! In fact, you know what? I hope you get caught! I hope you get caught and the judge issues you a life sentence, and he locks you away from all... all culture, all art. Forever. Because you clearly don't appreciate it. I'm done! Goodbye! [["Uh..."|FIN]]

Okay, awesome! I'll [[lend you a hand with that now, then|Congratulations!]]

Okay, cool. Well, have fun, I suppose. I'm going to do some prep for this week's reading group, anyway! Good luck! [["Yeah, thanks..."|FIN]]

Alright? Jeez, fine, whatever. Guess it's not as cool as murdering people, murderer, but damn, you could just show some appreciation for the finer things in life, you know? Alright... How about we get back to the murder thing, then? [["Yeah, probably a good idea"|Congratulations!]]

What? I mean, it's not really got anything to do with-- YOU asked ME what the phrase meant, I was happy to focus on the murder! [["No, I mean, I just don't understand the passage or why you used it."]] [["Well, I didn't make you get sidetracked, you decided to do that yourself."]]

Oh, you want to play this game, do you? You know what? Since I'm so busy getting sidetracked and clearly making a mess of a situation, how about I leave you to it then? I mean, you've clearly got all this 'murder' business sorted out, so I think I should just shoot off, really. [["Hey, come on, don't be like that."]] [["Fine, who needs you?"]]

Oh? 'Don't be like that'? Like what? Impertinent? Sorry, it is way too late for that now, I'm afraid. You're on your own, pal. I'm out. Peace. [["Wait, please don't--"|FIN]]

Oh, well, clearly not you. You seem to have it all figured out there, friend! Good luck, that's all I can tell you! Good luck and good riddance, really! I can't believe I wasted my time on somebody as unappreciative as you. [[FIN]]

Oh, right. Well, it's because you killed someone isn't it? So... like, you've sent them to the 'undiscovered country', yeah? Because that's... that's where dead people go, or whatever. Do you get it now? [["Oh, right! Yeah, that's kind of cool, actually"|"Yeah, that's pretty cool"]] [["Nope"]]

Well... just... okay, so it's like this: You murdered someone, right? [["Right"]]

So that person is dead now, yeah? [["Yeah"]]

And in Hamlet, he refers to death as travelling to an undiscovered country. You with me so far? [["Yeah, I'm with you"]] [["...I'm lost, could you start again?"|"Nope"]]

So, when you killed somebody, you sent them to 'the undiscovered country' ...Because you killed them, right? [["Oh! Oh, right! I think I get it now!"]] [["I'm still lost"|"Nope"]]

Fantastic! Anyway, the point is that's-- Oh, shit. Okay, if I'm correct, and being an omniscient narrator-type 'being correct' does fall within my remit, the, uh... the police are here. We kind of got a bit carried away there, didn't we? Heh... So, this is awkward but... sorry you're getting arrested? I guess I should have helped with the whole 'body' thing, but, hey, at least you're a little bit more cultured now, right? I'm so sorry. [[FIN]]

Poison, eh? That's a pretty sneaky one. You may just get out of this yet, actually. Your only problem really is disposing of the body. In terms of getting caught, if and when they find it, the poison would have long been rendered undetectable. Have you seen Breaking Bad, by any chance? [["Yeah, why?"|fastbb1]] [["No, why?"|fastbb1]]

Ooh, nice! That's an interesting one, to be fair. Now, with a weapon like that you're in for a bit of luck. For now just put the lamb to one side, we'll come back to that later. Let's just focus on the body. Okay, so considering your method of murder, you can actually get away with leaving the body here. You need an alibi. Are there any shops near you? [["Yes! Should I head over there?"]] [["Hang on... this is a bit familiar..."]]

...Look, just play along, alright? So, how'd you kill this guy? [["Poison."]] [["Frozen leg of lamb to the head."]] [["No, sorry, this makes no sense, I've not killed anybody."]]

Hey, come on, there's no need for that, alright? I'm trying to give you a hand here, I could just as easily walk away, you realise? Alright, this is frustrating me. I'm going to assume control here. You should [[go and track down a copy of Hamlet]]

... I... Ahem. What was that? You stabbed them, you say? Well, you're going to want to dispose of the knife, then! What do you have nearby? [["What?"|continue]] [["Stop this."|continue]] [["Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?"|continue]]

Marvellous! I'd put the knife there then, for now! Yep, absolutely! Good suggestion there, pal! [["I didn't make a suggestion!"]] [["You aren't listening to me, are you? You're just carrying the whole thing on regardless of my input, as if I'm actually responding to a word you're saying! Well, then if you're not listening to me, I don't see why I have to listen to you."]]

Of course you did! Otherwise I wouldn't have moved on just then, would I? So you must have done. Look, we can do this all day, but honestly I have better things to do than argue with you about this, so I'm going to ask you again, what did you murder them with? [["Poison."]] [["Frozen leg of lamb to the head."]] [["No, no, no. You can't just expect me to go along with this, without some idea of what's going on!"]]

I'm sorry, what? [["..."|...]]

Fine! I'll just press on, on my own, I don't need you! So you've hidden your murder weapon, that's stage one down, but now you're going to have to divert your attention to the body. Now, I understand if you might not have wanted to get your hands dirty, but there is no way around this particular aspect, I'm afraid. You should really have thought about this before you decided to kill somebody, really! Is there anywhere secluded nearby? An abandoned field, perhaps? Or a warehouse, even? [["..."|...1]]

Uh... ahem, alright, so... a... a field, you say? Okay, that's great, do you own a car by any chance there, pal? [["..."|...2]]

Oh, y...you do, huh? Well, that's just... That's... ... Look, please, could you please play along? I... I'd really appreciate it. [["..."|...3]]

Fine! Two can play at this game! If you're not going to say anything, I'm not going to say anything either! ... [["..."|...4]]

... [["..."|...5]]

... [["..."|...6]]

... Oh, come on, just say something! Anything! Please!? [["..."|...7]]

Hello!? Just... talk to me! ...are you there? [["..."|...8]]

You... you aren't, are you? You're not there... You've gone. [["..."|...9]]

Can you come back? I'm sorry, alright! I mean, all I wanted was to tell a story, and I just wanted you to play along! Is that so bad!? [["..."|...10]]

...You're not coming back are you? [["..."|...11]]

Wow. Just... wow. I try and be a gracious fucking host, and this is the gratitude I'm to expect from that, is it? Goddammit, I'm literally here for you, you know? My entire existence is predicated on you engaging with me on this, and you can't even be bothered to input anything to carry this on? Are you serious? ... Look, just come back, alright? I wasn't joking with what I said, as soon as the story ends I end, and if you're not here to interact with the story then I... I mean... you understand the predicament here, right? You can see why I'm getting a bit stressed out here? Look, come back and we'll try something different! I mean, if murder doesn't take your fancy! I mean, okay, let's try this! [[ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]]

Arr, matey! After five years sailing on the open seas, you've finally chartered your own ship, and are at last able to call yourself Captain of the feared vessel, The Prince's Revenge. But, now is not the time for celebrating. You've just stolen yourself away from the pleasures of the pirate island of Nassau, and are in search of plunder from merchant vessels and naval ships. You have been searching for a loot-worthy ship for weeks now, and the lack of results are tempting your crew towards mutiny. However, today there is a change. Today you can hear a yell from your lookout. A naval ship is gaining on the rear of your own vessel, with alarming speed. What do you? [[...|...12]] [["Turn the vessel around!"]]

Are you fucking kidding me? How are you not... it's pirates! I literally wrote pirates for you. How can you not be interested in this? It just boggles the mind. I can understand that murder thing not being of interest to you, it's a bit niche, a bit hastily done, fine, whatever, it's not for everyone. But you're seriously turning your nose up at a rousing pirate adventure? What's wrong with you!? Alright, I tried. I can at least say that much. I actually tried, but you... you're just not worth the effort, you know? I mean... pirates! Pirates don't excite you? Fine, whatever, I hope you're happy in all your endeavours. [[FIN]]

Yes! YES! This is more like it! Okay, so... uh... You turn to the navigator, and bark your orders. She nods, and yanks the wheel leftwards, turning the ship so that you're directly facing the naval vessel. For a moment, all that can be heard are the slow but sure crashes of the water around you, all that can be felt is the crisp, salty air, and all that can be smelt is the gunpowder below deck, which fuels your passion for blood. What do you do? [["Charge head-on."]] [["Sorry, I think you mean portways."]]

Aw, yeah! We're actually doing this! Your crew turn to you with haste as you bark your order across the deck, before immediately dashing to brace the vessel for impact. Those that aren't securing cargo, and ensuring damage control are running to man the cannons. How will you proceed? [["Ram the enemy vessel!"]] [["Leave just enough to berth between the two ships to fire onto it!"]]

Huh? What do you mean? [["You said leftwards, I think you mean Port. That's how they refer to it on boats."]] [["Never mind, just charge them..."|"Charge head-on."]]

Well, whatever, she turns the ship Port, then! I'm not an expert on ships, alright? I don't claim to know anything about boats! Can't you just enjoy the adventure for what it is, without being so petty? Anyway, what do you want to do? [["Charge head-on."]] [["Well, sorry, if you don't know anything about boats, you shouldn't really be writing a pirate adventure then, should you!?"]]

Oh my god, I just can't win with you, can I? The murder story? Too confusing! The pirate adventure? Too uninformed! Can you not just enjoy something for what it is, for one moment? [["Of course I can! But writing a pirate thing while knowing nothing about pirates, is a pretty big oversight."]] [["Sorry, but I'm just not interested in doing any of this, really."]]

It's called narrative, alright? I'm allowed to not tell you things, that's pretty much the only thing still within my control in this... weird new format. Now, wouldn't you rather just get back to the start than hassle me about this any further? [["Actually, yeah, on second thoughts I would much rather have that."]] [[There is n|"Actually, yeah, on second thoughts I would much rather have that."]][[o second option]]

Well, there we are then. [[Here you go.|Congratulations!]]

Oh my god, can you stop!? I admire the persistence, but honestly, you're just bothering me at this point, and kind of getting on my nerves! There's plenty for you to do at [[the start of the adventure|Congratulations!]], but I can assure that from here on out there is no[[thing]] to [[do|thing]]

Now. stop it. [[Go back.|Congratulations!]] Please do not [[bother me]] anymore.

You know I'm still in control here, right? You're aware of that yes? I mean, I can't stop you from doing what you're doing, but I can definitely exert influence over you. For instance, [[I can put you on an island, in the middle of nowhere. No food, no water.]]

You are alone now. Because I made that happen. I can leave you here, you know. And you would eventually die of hunger, or thirst, but you can always [[go back to the start|Congratulations!]]. Or if you prefer, you can just [[wait it out and die]]

Fine, no skin off my nose. I always gave you the option, and you always [[have the option|Congratulations!]], that never changes. ... What do you think you're accomplishing, by the way? Just for the sake of reference? There's nothing down this path but death. [["I want to find out for myself."]] [["I want to see how you react."]] [["These answers won't change anything, will they?"]]

Well, you will soon, that's for certain. [["I suppose so..."]]

Huh... That's an interesting one. I guess, in a way, that's what we're both doing... [["I suppose so..."]]

No, you're right, they probably won't, but it beats sitting in silence for the rest of your life, doesn't it? [["I suppose so..."]] [["I'd prefer to sit in silence, if you don't mind"]]

That's fine by me. [[FIN]]

You're more stubborn than I thought you would be, to be fair. Even with the option of just [[going back to where you started|Congratulations!]], you still seem to insist on this path. Fine. So be it, if you're going to be this stubborn, I don't see why I shouldn't have any fun in the process. Do you wish to be [[dangled above a molten pit of lava?]]

Whoa, hold on! I didn't say anything about knowing nothing about pirates! Pirates, I'm good with. It's just sailing and boat stuff, that I don't follow! [["Boats are kind of an integral part of piracy, don't you think? Bit of a huge detail to miss!"]] [["Fine, whatever, just carry on."|"Charge head-on."]]

Oh, really? Well why didn't you say? You can always just [[end this here|FIN]] if you want. Can I ask though, what was it you didn't like about this? [["It's just not particularly well-written."|badwriting]]

Yes! It's important to get yourself an alibi. Okay, so when you go there, act like you haven't killed anybody In fact, act like you're about the prepare dinner! Ask for... let's see... some peas, some potatoes, some... well, you have a leg of lamb already, so it'd probably be suspicious if you asked for any meat. Maybe get some cheesecake. You know, for pudding. That should do. [["Hey, isn't this literally the plot of Lamb to the Slaughter?"|"Uh, no it's not, I just looked it up. This is the exact plot of Lamb to the Slaughter."]]

Uh, what? No it's not, I promise. This is a completely original story. Now, shops? Do you have any? [["Yes! Should I head over there?"]] [["No, I'm sure I've read something like this before"]]

Nope, absolutely not. Do you really think that I would stoop so low as to just directly rip my story from source materials, without attribution? No, I'm not like that. Trust me, this is all above board. [["Uh, no it's not, I just looked it up. This is the exact plot of Lamb to the Slaughter."]]

Well-- It's just that I-- Look, original writing is impossible! Everybody knows that there's only seven stories, anyway. There's a whole thing on, this! Hang on a minute, let me look this up, bear with me. [["Alright."]] [["No, don't worry, it's fine. Let's just move on."]]

Okay, got it! Okay, so we've got 'rags to riches' stories, yeah? Then there's 'the quest', that one sounds pretty cool, doesn't it? 'Voyage and return', which... I don't know, that sounds pretty much like quest, actually. 'Comedy', 'Tragedy', those are pretty self-explanatory. 'Rebirth', that's a fairly odd one. And, finally there's-- [["Lamb to the Slaughter?"]]

No, no. If you've got a problem with this, I want to hear it! What in particular are you not enjoying? I've set up an intriguing premise, haven't I? I've kept the plot going? What do you think is wrong? [["It's literally the plot of Lamb to the Slaughter!"|"Lamb to the Slaughter?"]] [["It's just really bad writing!"|badwriting]]

Look, I'm just saying, it's entirely possible that Roald Dahl isn't the only person to think of this, alright? It's a big world out there, and people come up with ideas all the time. So, is it really that far-fetched to believe that both Roald Dahl and I thought to ourselves 'Hey, a leg of lamb would make a good murder weapon, wouldn't it?' [["No, it's not, but you've literally written the exact same plot! Even if you're not guilty of stealing, you're at least guilty of bad writing!"|badwriting]] [["I mean, I suppose not..."]]

Good, so we're in agreement that there's absolutely, without a doubt, no problem here. So, moving on, are you able to get to a shop? [["Yeah, I'll head over there now"]] [["...No. There are no shops nearby."]]

...You're just saying that because of the Lamb to the Slaughter thing aren't you? I know you are, there's no use pretending. I promise that this story is completely original. So, just answer honestly, is there a shop nearby? [["Fine, yes! There's a nearby shop! Do you want me to go over there?|"Okay, fine! There's a shop nearby! Now what?"]] [["I can't. None nearby."]]

Are you... Are you serious? Look, this isn't a rip-off of Lamb to the Slaughter, alright? You can go to the shop, and I promise you it'll be a completely original experience. I promise. [["Okay, fine! There's a shop nearby! Now what?"]] [["Nope. Not a single shop. Sorry."]]

Okay, so... original... Right, I got it! You step into the shop. Despite it's outward of appearance of being a modern corner store, upon entering you find it's appearance to be significantly more dated. The cash register has bells and tabs, rather than buttons and calculators. The floor is aged wood, and there's a faint whiff of smoke in the air. As you enter, in spite of the moderate outdoor temperature, you are chilled to the bone. [["This is weak."]] [["...Go on."]]

Okay, now you're just being petty. Fine, I'll use my authorial powers to MAKE a shop, how about that? Oh, look, it turns out that there was a shop all along! Who'd have thought it, huh? And while this shop usually has a policy of not serving people who like to make things difficult, today they're going to make an exception, just for you! [["Fine, then! Impress me with your completely original story, then..."|"Okay, fine! There's a shop nearby! Now what?"]]

Hang on! I haven't even got the good part yet! [["It's ghosts, right?"]] [["Fine, carry on..."|"...Go on."]]

Yeah, see, you're getting into this, aren't you? So, as you step further into the store, the cold catching in your breath, your eye stops wandering, as it reaches the stack of newspapers on the counter. The headline refers to a fire that appears to have occurred locally. Before you can figure out the location, a hand slams down onto the page in front of you. For a moment you think you are in trouble, before realising that the hand belongs to a friendly and enthusiastic shopkeeper. [["Let me guess, this shop is the one that burned down?"]] [["So... it's ghosts then, right?"|"It's ghosts, right?"]]

Oh, no reason. In fact, we'll figure something else out, that one's probably a bit too gruesome, to be fair. What sort of areas do you have near to you? Any empty fields? Abandoned docks? Ooh! I'll tell you one I haven't seen in a while, disused mines! [["There is a nearby empty field that I could use!"]] [["No, literally just fields around here, sorry."]]

Great! Taking the traditional route, I see. That's cool! So, pile the body into your van, grab a nearby shovel, as I'm sure you already have one to hand, and make your way on over to there. Do you have any travel music? You're going to be transporting a dead body, so some music might lighten the mood a little bit. [["No, I haven't, sorry."|nevermind]] [["I've got a CD of The Eagles Greatest Hits!"|nevermind]]

Look, sometimes adventures like these aren't so much about the destination as they are the journey, alright? 'Are they ghosts?' is an irrelevant question! Perhaps what you should ask yourself is 'Am I enjoying the ride? [["Stop deflecting. Is it ghosts?"]] [["No, I'm not fucking enjoying the ride!"]]

Look, sometimes adventures like these aren't so much about the destination as they are the journey, alright? 'Is this the shop that burned down?' is an irrelevant question! Perhaps what you should ask yourself is 'Am I enjoying the ride? [["Stop deflecting. Is this the shop that burned down?"]] [["No, I'm not fucking enjoying the ride!"]]

Okay, yes! It's ghosts, alright? The shopkeeper died in a fire, and you were going to have a whole interaction with him! It was going to be quite creepy, and sinister and above all, surprising! But, no, instead you had to jump the gun with your 'predictions' and your 'theories', and ruin the surprise for yourself! [["To be fair, it was a pretty obvious twist."]] [["Honestly, I'm just happy we're not ripping off Lamb to the Slaughter anymore."]]

Oh... Are you... are you not? [["No."|notenjoying]] [["Nope."|notenjoying]]

That they were ghosts!? But this is a murder story! Murder stories don't involve ghosts! Well, I mean, okay some do, but those usually establish paranormal or supernatural entities as being part of it's narrative quite early on. I didn't do that! [["Fine! Then it's just bad writing!"|badwriting]] [["Just 'doing something differently' doesn't make it a good twist!"]]

We weren't ripping it off in the first place! And besides, if that's all you wanted, why go and ruin the twist in the first place? I'm beginning to feel like you're not taking any of this very seriously... [["Well, neither are you..."]] [["Of course I'm not."]]

Oh. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I'm... mildly annoyed with that. Peeved would be the word, I suppose. I put a lot of effort into this. Every single path you wandered down was laid out by my hand, and you mean to tell me that you enjoyed none of it? Not one bit? What didn't you like, in particular? [["The bit with the pirates was weird"]] [["You lectured me about Hamlet then abandoned me!"]] [["Honestly, I'm still not sure how I feel about the fact that you swept the whole 'ripping off Lamb to the Slaughter' thing under the rug"]]

Wait you didn't like the [[pirate bit?|ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]] Are you serious? What's not to love!? It's pirates! Pirates! Do you honestly mean to sit there and tell me that you are so jaded, that even chucking in a rousing pirate adventure does nothing for you!? [["Pirates be damned! You can't just change the story halfway through, just because you're bored!"]]

Hey, come on now, be fair! I was doing a public service, you should already be somewhat acquainted with [[Hamlet|"Can we get back to the murder?"]] I am sorry for abandoning you, though. I was a tad stressed, and hey, that reading group wasn't going to arrange itself, was it? ...But seriously, I am *really* sorry about that. [["I don't care if you're sorry, I came here for a story about a murder, and was instead treated to completely off-tangent nonsense, and bad writing!"|badwriting]]

Oh my god, this again!? Look, I'm sorry, alright? Is that what you want? I'm sorry! I just... I didn't expect it to be that popular a story, I guess. I kind of assumed it would go unnoticed... That's beside the point, though! I offered you a 'spook-tacular' ghost story as recompense, and you just threw it right back in my face, so who should really be apologising here? Huh? It's you. You should be. [["I'm sorry, I have no idea why I should be apologising for your bad writing"|badwriting]]

Bad writing!? Oh, please. I... I ought to come over to where you are right now, and... And I'll... I'll... Oh god, it is, isn't it? It's awful! It's just a mess! I can't believe I thought that this would go somewhere! All of this goes nowhere! I tried, alright? I tried to piece together something interesting, but this is all I could muster. Just a plot ripped from a half-remembered sixty-year-old short story, the rantings of man so fuelled by cultural elitism that he acts outright hostile to somebody who's not read Hamlet, and a narrative so flimsily held together that it can't decide if it wants to be a murder mystery, a ghost story, a pirate adventure or just two people arguing over nothing! And now self-loathing! Self-loathing and self-pity! Oh god, this is awful... [["Whoa, okay, I'm sorry. It's not that bad, alright?"]] [["Uh, yikes..."]]

Oh, and what would you know about 'good twists'? This is fine, it caught you off-guard, didn't it? Isn't that what a twist that should do? I mean... Look, I'm trying alright? I'm trying my hardest, but this isn't as easy as it looks, okay? It really doesn't help that you're not working with me here. And I don't mean to blame you, a lot of it's my fault. I just... This isn't what I wanted to do, you know? I sort of fell into this whole 'narration' gig. I know it sounds silly, but I really wanted to practice law, you know? But I couldn't get any clients, and... well, I figured narration would pay well since everybody needs to read books. Anyway, that's why this is a half-baked mess. This isn't me! I should be defending high-profile clients, right now, not dragging your impertinent self through some patchwork narrative. I'm... I'm... God, I'm a mess... A complete mess. [["Whoa, okay, I'm sorry. It's not that bad, alright?"]] [["Uh, yikes..."]]

Excuse me? I'm not taking this seriously? I'll have you know that trying to manage your sorry ass as well as create an interesting and engaging story isn't as easy as it looks, alright? It's all well and good for you to sit there, and act as if I'm not taking this particularly seriously, but I'll have you know that this is a delicate process and you're pushing me to the limit here. [["Well, sorry, that's really no excuse for bad writing"|badwriting]] [["Well, if you don't think you can handle it, why even bother?"]]

Well, why not!? I put a lot of work into this, you know? I actually tried. I took this seriously, and I don't feel like I'm asking too much for you to try and take this seriously, yourself, you know. I mean, I'm just disappointed, really. You sit there, and you snark and complain as if what I'm doing is easy. Well, it's not. It's difficult, and if you're not going to even try and engage, then I don't see the need to waste my time with you. You don't want to take me seriously? That's fine. I can end this right here. And I will. [[FIN]]

You... you mean it? [["Yeah, sure, why not?"|youmeanit?]] [["Uh... yeah, it's great. You did a good job, pal"|youmeanit?]]

Oh, what's that? No more insightful commentary? Nothing else to say, or to attack? You're just going to go with 'yikes' and leave it at that, are you? I can't believe this, all I've done is try and create for you, and all I've had in return is you bitterly attacking everything I say, but the moment I tease out some sincerity and some honesty, all of a sudden I get nothing from you!? I think you should go. [["I'm sorry..."]] [["I think you're right."|FIN]]

I'm... I'm a good narrator? [["Uh... yeah, you're alright, yeah"|goodnarrator]] [["Oh, definitely! One of the best!"|goodnarrator]]

Thank you. [["That's alright. Come on, let's go get some ice cream, yeah?"]]

I'd like that. [[FIN]]

Well, yes I can, actually! I'll have you know that I'm the narrator. I can do whatever the hell I like! Anyway, you're the one who was so bored with the murder stuff, that I had to change tack just to keep you sated! [["You shouldn't just change the story because the reader isn't interested! That's just bad writing!"|badwriting]]

Don't. Just... leave, alright? [[FIN]]

I'll give you this, that's the first thing you've said that's made sense this entire time. 'Why even bother?' What a good question. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe you don't deserve to read any of this. Maybe I should stop right now, and just walk away. Maybe that's exactly what I'll [[do|FIN]]

Alright, awesome! See you soon. ... ... ... Take your time, by the way, there's no need to rush. ... ... You okay? ... You are coming back, right? I mean I'm getting a bit nervous right now. I know you've only been a couple of minutes, but you know how it is, you get a bad idea in your head and you just can't shake it and then you kind of end up looking impatient, when actually you're just addressing some-- [["Dude, I was gone for, like, two minutes. Chill."]]

Yeah, sorry, you're right. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. So, did you track down a copy? [["Yeah, I found one."]] [["Yeah, I bought two!"]]

That's awesome! And, again, sorry for what happened just then, I promise it won't happen again. I'm just a little-- Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked. Can you flip to Act 3, Scene 1, Lines 85-7 for me? [["Sure thing!"]] [["Look, stop apologising. It's fine. A little weird, but I can handle it"]]

Uh... Okay, you didn't need two, to be fair. You only needed on, but hey that's still pretty cool. Do you mind flicking to Act Three, Scene One, Line 85-7, for me? [["Alright, can do."|"Sure thing!"]]

Alright, so... "But that the dread of something after death the undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns" Yeah, so... do you get it yet? I mean, why I used the term 'undiscovered country'? Or even what the term means? [["Yeah, that's actually kind of cool."|"Yeah, that's pretty cool"]] [["No, no I don't."|Interpret the shit out of that passage]]

Okay, I just don't want you think I was being impatient, or anything. I was just getting worried, that's all. [["Okay, whatever. Can we just get on with this?"]] [["As I said, it's fine. I've already found passage now."|"Sure thing!"]]

Uh, yeah, sorry. So, have you read the line yet? It should be easy to find. [["Yeah, I've already read it."|Interpret the shit out of that passage]] [["No, not yet. I've only just found it now"|"Sure thing!"]]

Okay, never mind, we'll just travel in silence. It takes you roughly half an hour, but eventually you pull up just on the edge of the field, the dark of the night acting as a shawl to cover your misdeeds. You step on the slightly moistened grass, and walk further into the centre, carrying the body over your shoulder, and the shovel in your left hand, as you do. The usual sounds invade the air around you, crickets chirping, an owl hooting. In the distance you can hear cars speeding along a nearby motorway. You eventually stop in the centre, and plough your digging implement into the ground, and... Okay, I won't lie, this is pretty tedious to me. [["Hey, hang on, I was getting into that!"]] [["You're kidding me, right?|"Hey, hang on, I was getting into that!"]]

No, I seriously can't be bothered with it. To be honest, I'm not really that into murder mysteries. I'd rather write something exciting! Something with a promise of adventure! Something fun, and uplifting! [["But, I was enjoying the murder mystery!"]] [["Well, what else did you have in mind, then?"|ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]]

Sorry, but I really couldn't get into it... but I've got more exciting stuff planned, anyway! You can give that a try instead! Or if you'd rather, we can call this quits now, but I have an amazing adventure waiting for you, that you absolutely have to try out! [["No, sorry, you were at the climax of the story, you can't just leave me hanging like that!"]] [["Fine, take me to the other adventure."|ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]] [["Yeah, I think I'd prefer to call it quits, to be honest."|FIN]]

You really want to see how this story ends? It's so boring! Look, it's like this, you bury the body, you go home, dispose of the evidence, and don't get caught. There, is that satisfying enough for you? Do you think you can go on now that you know that's how I was planning to draw this story to a close? [["Well, what if I made the wrong choices?"]] [["Yeah, that's good enough, I guess. Thanks."|FIN]]

Oh, I don't know! Then you'd get caught, I guess? This doesn't matter. Look, we can have an awesome pirate adventure if you just forget about this whole thing. [[Come on. Click here for pirates. You know you want to|ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]] [["No, I don't want to. I want to see how this resolves."]]

Oh, you stubborn little... Fine. We'll resolve this storyline, okay! Will that make you happy? So, you start digging the hole, as the cool night air renders your body almost as chilled as the corpse that you've now dropped to the floor. Digging a human-sized hole is no easy task, and it takes a couple of hours before you can consider your work completed. Eventually, however, you find yourself standing over the perfect grave. Just large enough for the body to fit in. [["Okay, so I--"]] Sorry, but no, you forfeited your right to have a say in this. You want this story to end? We're ending it, right here, right now. So, you shove the body into the hole, the impact of it's landing causing a cloud of dust to billow back into your face. You've managed to get the body in, but that was the easy part. A pile of dirt rests by your side. Now you have to fill this makeshift grave in. [["This would be a lot more satisfying if I had a say in what happened here."]] Several more hours pass. In this time you have not only filled the hole in, but had to make the ground appear as uninterrupted as possible. You achieve this by pulling some grass out of the moistened ground beside you, and sprinkling it across the hole. Evenly enough to avoid suspicion, but just clustered enough to mask the disturbed soil beneath it. [["This is just a description of how I bury the body! Where's the drama, the intrigue!?"]] So, pick up your shovel and you make your way back to the van. Congratulations. You have just disposed of a body! [["That was lame. You just abandoned any pretence of trying to tell a story simply to spite me!"]]

Uh, no. [[I don't think so|"No, I don't want to. I want to see how this resolves."]]

Well you don't, so shut up. Can we get [[back to the story?|"No, I don't want to. I want to see how this resolves."]]

The drama and intrigue is in the pirate adventure, I'll have you know. But since we're apparently too good for that, you get a story about just burying a body, instead! Now, [[let's get back to it!|"No, I don't want to. I want to see how this resolves."]]

No, that's the way the story unfolds! Don't get mad, just because it's not how you like it! I gave you the option to abandon it, but you persisted, so basically the fact that you're disappointed is your fault, and your fault alone. Definitely not mine. Now, I'm going to present you with two options here, you can either [[go ahead and do my rousing pirate adventure|ADVENTURE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]] or you can just [[end this silly charade here|FIN]]

Damn, they never have disused mines! So, wait just fields? Okay, that kind of leaves us without much choice. Sorry, I know that I meant to promise you some authority in this, but it looks like you're going to have to pick a field. You seriously only have fields near you? [["Yeah, I'll head over to it now..."]] [["Yeah, our town was founded as an agricultural settlement, by a group of farmers in the early part of the 10th century. While it's definitely been developed on since then, we're mostly mainland, so no docks, and the land is so fertile we never really risked opening any mines. Interestingly enough, the mayor of this town was--"]]

Okay, nice! Do you have any travel music? It's always good to blast a tune or two in the car, on your way to dispose of a body! [["I've got a couple of Bon Jovi albums!"|nevermind]] [["Nope, nothing."|nevermind]]

Okay, slow down. I did not ask for a history lesson, I was just confused about the large amount of fields, that's all. Whatever, the more the better, I guess. At least this means the body will be harder to find, I suppose. Can you make your way over the field now? [["Yeah, absolutely!"|"Yeah, I'll head over to it now..."]]

You love this, don't you? Just sucking the fun out of everything. Could have just had some fun with some pirates, but no apparently I don't know enough about boats, and so the entire thing is stupid and pointless. Well, I'm fed up with it. I'm done trying to impress you. You, my friend, are impossible. [[Goodbye.|FIN]]

Oh my god, this is awesome. Okay, you plow directly into the naval ship, right into their gunpowder reserves. The ensuing explosion deals a tremendous amount of damage to the upper deck of the ship, weakening the crew and leaving the vessel immovable. [["Send out a boarding party."]] [["Sink the ship."]]

Oh, hell yes! Your ship stations itself across from the naval ship. You pause, allowing yourself a few moments stare your aggressors down. After a long, drawn out silence, you breathe in, before pushing the words "FIRE!" from your lips. Your crew reacts instantly, and a volley of cannon fire directs itself at the ship, with two cannonballs successfully hitting the mast of their ship, leaving them stranded in the ocean. [["Send out a boarding party."]] [["Sink the ship."]]

You take the riskier option. But, while leaving yourself open to attack, you are also able to secure any valuables that may otherwise have been lost to the depths of the ocean. The boarding party use the ropes holding your own mast up, to swing across to the naval vessel, cutlasses in hand. You, too, jump over to the other ship, alcohol and rage fuelling your every action. Dodging, swinging, parrying, despite your crew being outnumbered, it is the navy who are outmatched, and it is not long before those on board this boat find themselves surrendering. You send your men down into the hold, and they soon emerge carrying a chest filled to the brim with gold pieces, ancient relics, talismans and figures. You give them a nod, and they drag it over to your own ship. Taking a few prisoners with you, you and what's left of your crew, soon find yourselves swinging over after them. After a moment of silence for the men who fell in the battle, your boat begins to take to sea, once again. [[FIN]]

While the valuables on board the ship are harder to reach while sunk, you deem it worth the risk, if only to pacify your enemies. After incapacitating the ship, you feel it necessary to sink the vessel. You call for the cannons to fire on the ship, weakening it further, until it can no longer stay afloat on the sea. Slowly, surely, it drifts below the inky blue waves. You send out a search party, down to the depths of the ocean, to loot the valuables that have fallen with the ship. Hours pass, and they soon return, carrying what they could. Diamonds, doubloons, gems, and rubies. You turn to your crew and yourself and everyone on deck lets out a hearty cheer, as you head to your cabin to determine how to distribute the loot. [[FIN]]

Because I can arrange that. I can put you on a [[collision course with an asteroid|butiwont]], or I can [[throw you off the tallest building in Europe|butiwont]], or if I wanted to, I could send you [[to the instant after the most important 'no' you were ever given.|butiwont]]

But I won't do any of that. Instead I'll give you nothing. What'll happen to you then? No world to interact with, no moment to engage in. Just yourself, alone. [[Do you like the sound of that?]]

"No. No I don't." [[Too bad.]]

I hope you enjoy yourself, because you are going to be spending a lot of time here. I'm past giving you the option to return. This is it, forever. No option to end the story. No option to begin it again. Just you, trapped on this page. Like I said, enjoy.

Yes! It's important to get yourself an alibi. Okay, so when you go there, act like you haven't killed them. In fact, act like you're about to prepare them dinner! Ask for... let's see... some peas, some potatoes, some... well, you have a leg of lamb already, so it'd probably be suspicious if you asked for any meat. Maybe get some cheesecake. You know, for pudding. That should do. [["This is still the exact same plot as Lamb to the Slaughter!"|"Uh, no it's not, I just looked it up. This is the exact plot of Lamb to the Slaughter."]]

Okay, yes! It's the shop that burned down, alright? The shopkeeper died in the fire, and you were going to have a whole interaction with him! It was going to be quite creepy, and sinister and above all, surprising! But, no, instead you had to jump the gun with your 'predictions' and your 'theories', and ruin the surprise for yourself! [["To be fair, it was a pretty obvious twist."]] [["Honestly, I'm just happy we're not ripping off Lamb to the Slaughter anymore."]]