<u><big>**Feminiceties**</big></u>
*fem•i•nice•i•tees, noun, pl*
Verbal pleasentries expressed in casual conversation, often by someone who identifies as a feminist, that simultaniously convey one's frustration with something problematic while maintaining a lighthearted demeanor, so as not to annoy one's peers or become the 'token angry feminist'.
*used in a sentance:* 'I'm going to burst if I have to keep spewing all these ***feminiceties*** to my sexist boss just to keep my job...'
[[Start]]
Once upon a time there lived a white, straight, cis girl who was happy, carefree, and couldn't see what everyone else was griping about.
"Why do people have to be so *angry* all the time?" She asked.
"Why can't people just *Calm Down* and be **happy**?"
Then, one day, everything [[changed]].
She discovered **[[Feminism]]**.
The girl started slowly, with questions like,
"Hey, yeah... why *do* I have to shave my legs every day when most guys aren't even expected to shower?"
Then she continued.
"Wait - so this patriarchy nonsense is engrained in **every aspect of my life**?!
Eventually, she gained unstoppable momentum and accumulated endless new terms, ideas, and arguments that formed at the heart of this new-born [[feminist]].
This is where the game (link-reveal: "begins.")[
I'm sitting in class. It's a 4th year education class about sex-role socialization in the classroom.
[[that's a mouthful]]]
The professor is talking about how boys are taught not to engage in any activity deemed *feminine* or else risk being shunned/made fun of/(link-reveal: "ostracized.")[
The prof says something totally reasonable like, "Boys and men can enjoy yoga, too!"
A [[classmate -> girl]] raises her [[hand.]]]
"But, like, my *guy friends* who take yoga say they only do it to look at other girls' butts."
[[wut.]]
I know how I *want* to react to this, but I need to be careful how I proceed. Do I...
[[ignore it, but grunt internally? | grunt]]
[[roll my eyes, turning towards my classmate with a look of disbelief? | disbelief]]
(text-style: "strike")[raise my hand, confidently explaining all the reasons why that comment on its own is highly problematic and perpetuates the gender norms we've been discussing ALL SEMESTER...]
It's frustrating.
I wish I had the guts to say something... or do something...
But these are my classmates.
"We must assume everyone is coming from a place of good intentions" as the professor had said.
Plus, I'm not totally convinced I would know how to respond or how I would react if someone called *me* out.
[[We'll get 'em next time-> Part II]]
I roll my eyes dramatically and swivel my body around to face the one who made the comment.
I see others doing similar things, scoffing slightly or widening their eyes.
Majority of the class remains pretty indifferent though.
I make eye contact with the professor. She appears unphased, but mostly in the sense that she's heard these comments so many times in her life so she knows how to deal with it right away.
One day I'll get to that level.
Er... Wait... [[Do I want to?-> Part II]]
When she isn't on facebook or snapchatting during the lecture, she's giggling and making comments under her breath to her friends about how boring the class is.
It's infuriating to those who **actually want to learn, thank you very much!**
[[That sucks->that's a mouthful]]
(open-url: "http://www.yelp.com/topic/san-francisco-guys-who-go-to-yoga-classes-alone-are-they-creepy") Yeah. Just read some of the comments here...
[[That's sad->hand.]]
Class is over, I head to a friend's house.
Which friend do I want to visit today?
[[Remi & Charles->R&C]]
[[Billie]]
[[Go Meet Carl the Bf->Carl]]
These two are best friends, and they are both really sweet guys.
However...
(click-replace: "However...")[Sometimes they forget their privilege as two white, straight, cisgender, young, able-bodied, attractive men.
Still, they're fun to watch movies and play games with.]
It's nice to be able to turn off [[sometimes]].
I know Billie will understand my frustrations.
She often deals with situations like this where all she wants to do is jump up and tell them why they're wrong and why they should think twice before they spout such nonsense. (click-append: "nonsense.")[
But in those situations, it's hard to shut up the voices that say "What will they *think* of you?"
So we keep quiet.
It's the [[worst]].]
Carl's pretty great.
I go meet with him after he finishes work and we head home together.
(click-append: "together.")[
On the way home, I tell him about what happened in [[class]].]
It feels good to talk to someone who will validate your feelings.
Sometimes, though, Billie makes me feel like I still know so little about things like
[[feminism->femwiki]],
[[intersectionality->interwiki]],
and my own [[privilege]].
But that is a good thing.
It reminds me that I've still got a lot to learn,
and that's **always** a good thing to [[remember]].
(open-url: "https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism")
[[Cool, thanks!->worst]]
(open-url: "http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Intersectionality")
[[Got it->worst]]
(open-url:"http://web2.uvcs.uvic.ca/courses/csafety/mod2/media/flower.htm")
[[Woah... Reality check x1000->worst]]
Other times, it's impossible to ignore problematic comments.
And Remi *loooooooves* starting 'debates' with anyone who'll listen.
(click-append: "listen")[
I happen to be listening [[today->OhR]].]
I happened to casually mention that my leg hair was sticking up weird.
(colour:"#0075b1")["So, I get that you women are free to shave or not shave whatever you want... But, like, as long as they realize guys aren't cool with that. I would never be attracted to a girl who doesn't shave her legs or armpits..."]
Oh Remi...
(click-append: "Remi...")[
How do I respond today?
[[Arguement - Hostile->hostile]]
[[Arguement - Civil->civil]]
[[Socratic Method for the win->socratic]]
[[Laugh It Off->laugh]]]
(colour:"#f6921e")["Remi, what the hell?! Do you understand how sexist you're being!?"]
(colour:"#0075b1")["I'm not a sexist, I just personally find hairy women disgusting. I'm **allowed** to feel that way."]
(colour:"#f6921e")["You're *allowed* to feel however you want, it doesn't mean you're not being sexist."]
(colour:"#0075b1")["Whatever, forget I said [[anything->shutdown]]."]
(colour:"#f6921e")["Hmm... That's kinda not a cool thing to say."]
(click-append: "say.")[
(colour:"#0075b1")["Why? No, no, no! I didn't mean *you're* not attractive!"]
(colour:"#f6921e")["That's not what I meant. You know women don't stop shaving to make you happy, right?
But a lot of us do feel like we have to shave in order to be attractive. It's a lot of **effort** and **money** and **time** to keep up with something that doesn't have any real benefits besides being aesthetically pleasing."]
(colour:"#0075b1")["Yeah, but what I'm saying, is that I *personally* just don't find hairy women attractive. *I* never told women they had to start shaving.
Besides, men have do deal with the same shit when it comes to facial hair. We're in the same [[boat->sure]]."]]
"Why do you find hair on women unattractive?" I ask.
(click-append:"ask.")[
"I don't know,it's just gross. I don't want hairy legs on me when I'm... `*`ahem`*`... 'cuddling' with a girl." He replies. Tasteful.]
(click-append:"Tasteful.")[
"But don't you have hair on your legs? Why don't you shave yours, too?" I retort.]
(click-append:"retort.")[
"Huh... I guess I never really thought about it. Yeah, that is a pretty shitty double standard... You're so right, I'm gunna think about this some more and reflect on some other things I might have to change about my [[mindset]]."]
I know he probably doesn't actually believe what he's saying, he just loves arguing for argument's sake.
(click-append: "sake.")[
"Haha... Yeah, well. It's a good thing we're not in a relationship then!"
Immediately after I say it I feel... *icky*.
That's not what I wanted to say.
It just makes him think it's okay.
It just makes him think I don't *care*.
It just means he can justify it to himself.
It just means another day goes unchallenged in his life of privilege.]
(click-append: "privilege.")[
I feel worse than before. I'm gunna head [[home]].]
Well that didn't go well. Now he's gunna think I'll yell at him anytime he has a genuine question.
I'm still a bit angry after the day I've had, and that argument didn't help.
I'm gunna head [[home]].
I make it home.
I'm safe here to relax and let down some of my defences.
Until [[tommorrow-> Part II]].
He's gunna have an answer for everything, isn't he?
I'm pretty sure he's not listening to a single word I'm saying past '[[sexist]]'.
Oh well. It's been a long day. I'm going [[home]].
Why do men freak out at the idea that they might have sexist tendancies, even if it's not totally their fault?
And they like to say 'I'm not ***a*** sexist'. Like its a [[profession->rogueone]] rather than a social system.
(open-url: "https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CfhyCZyWIAA4u02.jpg")
[[Uugh->sure]]
Just kidding! Imagine if that worked though?
In reality, I kept up with the questions until I ran out and then Remi gave me one of those smug smiles like he just ***knew***
he won the argument, but he didn't want me to feel [[bad about it->feelbad]].
I feel pretty bad about it.
I'm gunna head [[home]].
It feels better to talk about this kind of stuff with reasonable people,
but now I just want to get my mind off my insecurities.
I guess I should head [[home]].
"I don't get it, what's the big deal?"
He doesn't mean it to sound defensive, I'm sure he's asking out of genuine (link-reveal: "curiosity.")[
I tell him some of the context of the situation and try to explain why that way of thinking just perpetuates myths and gender norms.
*"I think you're reading too much into it."* He says.
I know this could be a looooong discussion.
How should I continue?
1.[[Go into a full detailed rant explaining theories and ideas and terms that I've already explained to him a hundred times->yeahright]]
2.[[Defend myself - Tell him I don't need to explain my reasons for being upset->try]]
3.[[Let it pass, I'll choose my battles->battle]]]
HA.
(click-append: "HA.")[
As if you have the energy for that four hour convers-argument.
[[Try again->class]]]
"I'm not reading too much into it. The patriarchy hurts everyone, Carl."
"Yeah, yeah. I know that, it's just - do you have to be *on* all the time?"
I know he knows this question frustrates me.
(click-append: "me.")[
"Carl, you *know* that I'm going to be a teacher. You *know* that I have to be on top of this.
I can't let this kind of thing slide when I'm in a class full of kids."
He's just gunna have to get used to it.
But that's his problem, not [[mine->home]].]
Another day, another comment to call him out on.
It's already been such a long day, and I know he really means well. He's learning too, and he does listen to me about this kind of thing most of the time.
(click-append:"time.")[Maybe I can let this one go.
An exasperated sigh should do [[it->home]].]