This was a most [[selfish]] act.

[[One argument: there is no god/creator|god]].\nWe are just as science claims we are. The sludge from the water became the naked ape and then came everything else.\nThe beginning of the universe was the by-product of some arbitrary mathematical equation that existed because it did.\nThere is no plan, and no consequence. We don’t matter, and will not be remembered.\nYou can do absolutely anything you want. You can only be persecuted here on earth.\nNothing happens for any particular reason. The future is [[unwritten|not]].\n\n

[[Enjoy it while you can. Those are the flavours of a planet|senses]].

An [[infinity]] of absolute nothing?\n

Don’t go back out there all sad on account of me. I left because it was wholly [[necessary]] for me to do so.

I'm not 'someone' anymore.\nAll I ever am is switched on, and I want to switch it off.\nI can [[see]], [[hear]], [[taste]], [[smell]], [[touch]]...\n<<if visited("senses")>>\nI can [[remember]]\n<<endif>>

Only one way to peace.\n\nDEFINITELY only one way to freedom.\n\nEver.\n\n\nJust don’t let it put you off. Whether there is a god or not, there’s definitely a [[future]].\n

By the time anybody gets around to reading this: I will be dead.\nThe following is a collection of my final thoughts on the world, recorded immediately before I engage in the act – using the fumes of my car.\nTo those who encounter the cadaver – please – relax. It looks like me but it is not me.\n‘Me’ is encoded in these [[words|intro]], which are ‘my’ final resting place.\n

[[The vanity has truly passed – I no longer care about the mirror.\nThe world sure threw out some crazy shapes and colours|senses]].

Well, there we go. I finally nailed it. The cure for the headache. The cure for all headaches. The end of all pain.\n\nI have broken through.\n\nI will be free. I [[know]] that now. I will actually know [[freedom]]! It’s the best news of my [[life]].\n\nAnyone can do it.\n\n<<if visited("infinity")>>\nOver and over again.\n<<endif>>

[[My subconscious has been working tirelessly in its attempts to keep me on track|alive]].

I have overpowered my greatest instinct.\nBut it does not make me [[brave]].\n

[[Everything I have ever touched|senses]]…

Well, this is it. Welcome to Earth. You’re going to get yourself a whole set of circumstances which will dictate the outcome of your life. It will usually be the case that you have [[parents]] or some kind of familial connection. If you are lucky enough to maintain good health into adulthood, you’ve got a whole world of excitement waiting for you.\nThis is the most personal document that I have ever had to write. At the same time, I feel that I must keep it impersonal.\nThere will be no funeral directions. This is not goodbye. I’m just gone. This text has no author now.

You have to work. They’re always keeping score. Hard work pays. But only to an [[extent]].

To live would have been entirely for my family – my loved ones.\nIt was my duty to do so for them.\nI have failed them.\nThey must go on in the knowledge that I took my own life.\nI acknowledge my cowardice here.\nI [[had]] to die.\n

[[There are many who would argue to various degrees for the existence of a god/creator|nogod]].\nIt seems hard to argue against the theory of evolution these days, at least when applying reasonable thought.\nBut it is also hard to ignore the fact that we, human beings, are living proof of the existence of intelligence inside a universe.\nThis intelligence – of which we are all a part – has written sonnets, built megalithic towers, composed operas, and launched habitable satellites into its planet’s orbit.\n[[It wouldn’t have existed had the possibility not been there in the first place|godnext]].\n

I hadn’t grinned for a decade. The mechanism had forgotten itself.\nI couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take a second of it anymore. There was always a complete dissatisfaction. Recently, when I listened to my favourite music, I was deafened by the sadness of my longing for its original impact on me. I simply did not have the physical make-up to attract girls and was forced, in solitude, to long for them too. My friends didn’t seem to like me. Nobody respected me. You have to understand that this melancholy permeated every tangent of my psyche.\nI still sound like a coward. They still sound like small problems.\nSuch is life.\nOnly [[one]] way.\n

If there really are ‘lucky’ individuals, there is fate.\nIf there really are miracles, there is fate.\nCan there be beginnings, [[without fate|knowwritten]]?\n

I forced myself to believe that [[humanity|earth]] could move forward. Then humanity forced me to rethink.

They did not fail me.\nDespite awesome numbness - [[painful]] to imagine them having to bury me.\nThey gave me everything. It was more than enough.\nThey did not fail me.\n

These are my final words.\nI am bidding my family good-bye.\nI wish my family the best of [[luck]] with everything.\nI am bidding my friends good-bye.\nI wish my friends the best of luck with everything.\nI am bidding humanity good-bye.\nI wish humanity the best of luck with everything.\n

\nFlowers.\n[[Shit|senses]].\nBacon.\n

I guess it’s up to the balance between [[pleasure]] and [[pain]]. Some people get nothing but pain on all fronts, whereas others have either managed to get to – or were born into – a position from which they experience mostly, if not only, pleasure.

Is life a [[dream]], a [[joke]], or [[neither|know]]?

These things were all just vibrations.\n\nIt is all just [[vibrations|alive]].\n

Pain can come in all forms and sizes, as most people know.\nYou accidentally burn your hand while cooking.\nSomebody comparable to you has proven themselves superior in a way which diminishes your value to society.\nThe event you were looking forward to is cancelled.\nYou lose your job due to budget cuts.\nYou unintentionally conceive a child with an undesirable partner.\n[[Aren’t we all just silly apes in a mess?|nogod]]\n

[[I’ll miss this the most|senses]].

What can I ever claim to have known? Knowledge of a [[dream]] is useless upon waking up.

At the end of the day, no matter how fulfilled I had attempted to make myself feel, I always felt 100% unfulfilled at the same time.\nThis was my tragic [[flaw]].\n

[[If my choices aren’t my own, then I truly do not write this sentence|alive]].

It is wholly necessary for the balance of the universe that you continue your life as you were. You must not die.\nThis is the credos. [[Survive]].\n

Oh, the past. If there is anything for me that is actually unspoiled, it is my state of being in the past.\nIt is a blissful thing – they say – to be ignorant.\nThere are types of pain that we cannot feel until we are taught about them.\nNow if I’m lucky, once every couple of years, I might have dream which reminds me of how perfectly balanced life seemed to be back then.\nIt is impossible for me to get back to that. There is not back, only [[forward]].\n

The origin of the universe must have contained all the necessary information to form our personalities.\nOtherwise our personalities would not exist.\nSo, should this ‘origin’ reasonably have contained infinite possibilities for personalities?\n[[Are we meant to be living a certain way?|choices]]\n

It has meant so many different things to so many people. It can be anything – an unreachable [[ideal]], a [[dream]], or a [[joke]].

Infinity contains [[infinite|intro]] possibilities.\n\nNothing equals... God?\n

[[Deliberately]] or [[not]], I went through phases.

If there is an ‘other side’, I will see you on it.\nIf not, then I will see [[nothing]].

Is it [[written]]?\nWho wants to [[know|knowwritten]]?\n

If there is no god, then I will die and experience NOTHING for ETERNITY.\n[[Right?]]\n

You do your best with what you’ve got. You end up in situations, and agree to things.\nYou commit to accomplishing [[goals]] and you commit parts of yourself to other [[people|goals]].\n

I wonder whether I was laughed at more than laughed with. Was I a joker, or a joke? [[What can you do|earth]]?

Sometimes, life feels particularly worthwhile.\nYou laugh so hard with friends, you cry.\nSomebody to whom you are attracted indicates that they might be attracted to you.\nAn event turns out better than expected.\nYou achieve ultimate comfort in the living room, and feel genuinely fulfilled for a few moments.\nYou create a family, built on love.\n[[Aren’t we all just silly apes in a mess?|nogod]]\n

Dreams, during the last few years, were invariably more interesting and exciting than [[real life|earth]]. The dream was the adventure; waking was the hindrance inbetween.

I have always considered myself to be a lucky individual.\nI had health, and love.\nI was born in a good part of the world.\nIt wasn’t of food that I was [[starved]].\n