Where do you belong?

There is something terrifying about writing [[someone else's story,]] but when you find something that is truly compelling, that makes your heart hurt, that makes you want to write, that makes you want to help, you have to tell that story even if it is not your own. If this is [[your story,]] you are not alone. If this is the story of someone you know, let them in. Don't push them out. If this story misrepresents your experience, or the experience of someone you know, I apologize. I hope to open gates of understanding, not to offend. If you find the subject matter inappropriate for a follower of Jesus Christ, I pray that you will forgive me, we are all trying to navigate a difficult road. For some, it may be more difficult than it is for you.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … until you [[climb into his skin and walk around in it.”]] - Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)

"There will be times when you will walk a [[path]] strewn with thorns and marked by struggle."

[[...]]

"There may be times when you feel [[detached]]—even isolated—from the Giver of every good gift."

[[...]]

You remember it like it was yesterday: The first time you felt. The first time you wanted someone. Wanted them so badly you couldn't sleep. Everyone wants. Everyone has desire. But yours was different. So different that you thought, at first, that you were [[alone,->Days are hard.]] that you were a monster.

"You worry that you [[walk alone.]]" - President Thomas S. Monson

Where do you belong? At [[church]] With your [[thoughts]] In the gay [[community]] With your [[family]]

You love God. You love his church. Usually this is somewhere you feel safe. You come and study, you come and learn. but [[sometimes...]]

//They look happy. She reaches over to catch a stray strand of hair, and lovingly tucks it behind her ear.// You have never seen this in person before. You are afraid of staring. But can't look away. She is beautiful. They both are. You imagine those fingers behind your own ear, brushing down your neck, imagine staring into eyes like [[that--]]

This is, in some ways, the hardest part. [[Knowing]]

//Would she say those things if she knew how you felt?// The audacity makes you want to scream. You can tell your face is tense, [[Stop it.->Stop it 1]]

//Now? Are you serious? In a busy place like this? Just spring it on her like that? What will she say? How will she react?// The thought makes you physically ill. You try to blink it away, shaking your head, holding your stomach. "You alright?" Her voice shows real concern. You look up, This is your mother after all. She loves you. Your eyes well with tears and you try to blink them back. You don't want to make a scene. "Yeah I'm fine. I'm just-" You choke over your words, feeling like an idiot. she'll hate you for it. she'll never understand. you're a sinner. the worst kind. a monster. disgusting. She's not ready yet. She'll never be ready. just [[tell her later.->say it quick.]] don't worry about it right now. or find some way to [[say it quick.]] maybe if you don't say it now [[you'll never find the chance.->never will.]]

"Oh, when will you ever get married?" She is joking, of course, but you see in her eyes, real concern. Did she raise you right? Did she teach you well? Are you confident? Do you care enough? Are you too picky? Too distracted? Too ugly? Too modern? Too proud? Too liberal? Too smart? Too late? Most of her friends have grandbabies. You are working on your PhD. but, to her, you have done nothing. You smile, eluding the question, pretending it doesn't [[hurt.]]

She doesn't mean it. She doesn't know it's you. She doesn't know there are probably other people in this carpeted, lace-covered room, Others like you. To her, "those people" are out there. Not here. She doesn't know it hurts. Don't be unkind to her. She doesn't know. //Lord give you [[strength.]]//

//Who am I to judge another When I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would [[follow thee.->Days are hard.]] //

Don't show your anger. Don't show your pain. But she has no idea. How is what you feel any different than what she feels? How is it that it's gross, repellant, sinful, coming from you, and not from her? She thinks she's better than you. That she deserves love and you don't. [[Stop it.]]

that there is a community, a group, out there, where people like you are accepted. Where people like you can feel loved, surrounded by others who know the pain of losing family for wanting love; of fearing rejection, for lack of understanding. [[Or,]]

that there are those, who are like you, but who don't fear. Though you can't imagine it is [[possible.]]

Knowing that that group may not understand if you want to stay here. That they will tell you you are walking away from everything that is natural. Everything that is good for a ridiculous faith, that enslaves you. [[Fearing]]

that they would have you walk away from [[God.]]

Perhaps they wouldn't. Perhaps they could accept you and your faith but you aren't sure, and the thought [[scares you.->Days are hard.]]

You sleep [[alone.-> alone 1]]

This is not unchaste. At least, it is not sexual. At least, it is not thoughts of sex. Just of [[her.]]

This is not unchaste. At least, it is not sexual. At least, it is not thoughts of sex. Just of ~~her~~ Just of [[someone]]

This is not unchaste. At least, it is not sexual. At least, it is not thoughts of sex. Just of ~~her~~ Just of someone here. You hold the pillow more tightly, wrapping your legs around it, and imagine ~~her~~ someone's arm around you imagine [[her->her 2]] sweet breath on your neck.

This is not unchaste. At least, it is not sexual. At least, it is not thoughts of sex. Just of someone here. You hold the pillow more tightly, wrapping your legs around it, and imagine someone's arm around you. imagine their sweet breath on your neck. You feel loved. You feel safe. It's not about their body, only about someone someone who loves you, [[here->here.2]]

You hold the pillow more [[tightly.]]

You sleep [[alone.->Days are hard.]]

Your mother makes a noise in her nose and her throat, disgusted by them, disgusted by you, though she doesn't know it yet. When will you tell her? You are lying to her. Every day you stay silent, you are lying. You could tell her [[now,]] get it over with, or put it off again. You have to [[tell her eventually.->say it quick.]] don't you? Perhaps you [[never will.]]

[[The first day,]] //And I, God, said: Let there be light; and there was light.// And it was like breathing for the first time. No longer hiding in darkness. Everything out

But it does hurt. Every time. Every time you see her. Every time she says something. Every time you stay up until the wee hours of the morning in quiet supplication before the Lord, pleading for things to be different. You want to trust her. But you don't. You fear losing her. fear her rejection, her dissapointment even, possibly, her hatred. But it's killing you to look at her your own mother and feel this kind of anxiety. No one can live like [[this.->Days are hard.]]

[[The second day]] //And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.// and once it appeared you were no longer drowning,

The third day //And the earth brought forth grass, every herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed should be in itself, after his kind;// But then, The way she would hold her head in her hands late at night. The way he would tell her it wasn't her fault. Like she wished you weren't hers anymore, like you never really were. You are your own seed, coming from nothing, a blemish, a mistake, a blunder, unnatural. You don't belong. //and I, God, saw that [[all]] things which I had made were good;//

[[The fourth day]] //And God made two great lights; ... to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness:// If these two people can't be trusted If these two people don't believe you If these two people don't know how to help you in deciding between right and wrong between good and evil between yourself and that-which-is-not-really-you Who do you have?

[[The fifth day]] // And I, God, created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind; and I, God, saw that all things which I had created were good. And I, God, blessed them, saying: Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the sea; and let fowl multiply in the earth;// 1+1=2 2+2=4 4+4=8 8+x=?

[[The sixth day ->Days are hard.]] //And I, God, created man in mine own image, in the image of mine Only Begotten created I him; male and female created I them.//

It doesn't come easily. It's uncomfortable, frightening, Like reaching down your throat and pulling out your stomach. revolting, difficult. You don't want anyone to look, don't want anyone to [[see.->tell her eventually.]] but it does come.