Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby

This is an adaption of "Some of Us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby" by Donald Barthelme. Please press play to begin. [[Play]]

"Colby, you've gone too far. We've threatened you long enough. You have left us no choice but to hang you." Howard crosses his arms and stares you down. You don’t deny that you had gone too far. You argue "Oh, come now. Just because I had gone too far doesn’t mean I should be subjected to hanging! Everyone goes too far sometimes." "Don’t be ridiculous, Colby," Harry says, “Now, we’ve made a decision. Of course, you have full say in how the event proceeds. We have time now to prepare. The first matter, Colby, is what sort of music you would like to be played at the hanging. Howard, you’ve agreed to donate your services. What's customary for this sort of thing?" Howard considers, "I have a few musicians familiar with Nenov. Elegar is fairly standard, but perhaps you would find Weburn more palatable." [["Nenov"->Standard]] [["Elegar"->Standard]] [["Weburn"->Standard]] [["Ives's Fourth"->Ives]] [["Could I have some time to think on this?"->Think]]

"Good choice. I will call upon my musicians as soon as possible," Howard says, "I can hire and reherse them and we will be able to have the hanging within the month." [["Right."->After Music]]

"Ives’s Fourth!” Howard shouts. He begins to step towards you. "We all know the Ives is almost impossible to perform! It would involve weeks of rehearsal, and the size of the orchestra and chorus would put us way over the music budget! This is simply a delaying tactic." "Look, look there’s no reason to throw around accusations. You asked our friend Colby a simple question and he answered," Magnus says while placing a hand on your shoulder, "Now, Colby. Keep in mind that although we will send you off with all the dignity in the world, we do have a budget and even you must conform to material constraints." "Be reasonable," Howard says to you. [["Nenov"->Standard]] [["Elegar"->Standard]] [["Weburn"->Standard]] [["Could I have some time to think on this?"->Think]]

"Well, be quick about it," Howard says, "I’ll need to hire and rehearse the musicians and I can’t begin until I know what the music is going to be." [["Alright."->After Music]]

"Well, now that that’s settled, what of the invitations? How many of our friends do you think will be able to attend?" Magnus says. He sits down with an address book thumbing through. "As many as we can invite, I suppose. They are all Colby’s friends. The real issue is the wording of the invitations. What if one of them fell into the hands of the authorities? We don’t need the authorities coming in and messing everything up just because a hanging is against the law," Hugh says. "Well, come now, even if it is against the law, we have a perfect moral right to do so!" I say and look over to you while you sit back in the lounge chair, "For Christ’s sake, Colby is our friend! He belongs to us and he went too far. It's better that we do something about it rather than any of them, who don’t understand the situation. Look, we only have to use a certain wording. Perhaps 'An Event Involving Mr. Colby Williams'?" "Why yes, I suppose that could work. A person invited would not know for sure what he was being invited to," Hugh says, "Magnus, do you think you could have the invitations printed?" "WOf course,” Magnus says, "Colby, would you like to look at the options for the invitations. I have a very talented calligrapher on staff. Oh, will we be serving drinks?" [["Drinks would be nice, but don’t we have to concern ourselves with a budget? By all means, you’re already exerting yourselves so much that this seems like a tad excessive."->Drinks]] [["I suppose I can take a look at the invitations."->Invitations]]

"Why, nonsense, Colby! We’re your friends. If a group of your dear friends can’t come together and do the thing with a bit of eclat, why, what is the world coming to?" Pete exclaims shaking his head, "It would be ridiculous not to at least hang you with a sense of dignity." "Right. Do you think I would be able to have drinks as well?" You ask. "Certainly." [["Lovely."->After Invitations]]

You look at a catalouge filled with handsome scripts and varied paper colors and weights. "The cream color is rather nice, I suppose," you say. "Yes, and we can have a beautiful script written on them. How do you like this one, Colby?" Magnus slides another catalouge towards you. [["Yes, that looks fine."->After Invitations]]

"Alright, well now that that’s taken care of, the next item of business is the gibbet. I don’t know too much about gibbet design, but I have some old books and I’m sure I can reconstruct the plans. The important thing is the trap door functions perfectly. For labor and materials, it shouldn't run us more than four thousand dollars." "Good God! Howard says, "What are you figuring on, rosewood?" "No, just a good grade of pine," Tomas says. Victor asks, "Wouldn’t unpainted pine wouldn't look kind of raw? Tomas replied, "I thought it could be stained a dark walnut without too much trouble." "Although I think the whole thing ought to be done really well and all, I also think four hundred dollars for a gibbet, on top of the expense for the drinks, invitations, musicians, and everything, was a bit steep. Why can’t we just use a tree -- a nice-looking oak, or something?" I ask, "It’s going to be a June hanging. The trees will be in glorious leaf and not only would a tree add a kind of natural feeling but it was also strictly traditional, especially in the West." Tomas, who has been sketching gibbets on the backs of envelopes, looks up. "Well an outdoor hanging always has to contend with the threat of rain." "I do like the idea of doing it outdoors. We can go possibly on the bank of a river, but we will have to hold it some distance from the city. How will we get the guests, musicians, etc., to the site and then back to town?" At this point everybody looks at Harry, who runs a car-and-truck-rental business. "I think I can round up enough limousines to take care of that end but that the drivers would have to be paid. The drivers," he points out, "wouldn't be friends of Colby's and can't be expected to donate their services any more than the bartender or the musicians." "I have about ten limousines, which I use mostly for funerals, and I could probably obtain another dozen by calling around to friends of his in the trade," he says. "Furthermore, if we did it outside, in the open air, we'd better figure on a tent or awning of some kind so that at least the principals and the orchestra are covered. We don’t a hanging so dismal that it leaves a bad impression on our friends. Now, as for gibbet or tree, I think that should be left up to Colby." [["This is ridiculous! Everybody goes too far sometimes, aren’t you all being a little Draconian?"->Draco1]] [["Could I have a firing squad?"->Fire1]] [["I’d rather the gibbet."->Gibbet]] [["I’ll take the tree."->Tree]]

Howard gives a sharp remark: "This has already been discussed. Which do you want, gibbet or tree?" [["Could I have a firing squad?"->Fire2]] [["I’d rather the gibbet."->Gibbet]] [["I’ll take the tree."->Tree]]

"No, you cannot!" Howard says and turns to the group of friends who were slightly aghast at his unpleasantness, "A firing squad would just be an ego trip for him with the blindfold and last-cigarette bit." Howard turns back to you to say: "You’re in enough hot water already without trying to upstage everyone with unnecessary theatrics." "I hadn't meant it that way," you say. [["This is ridiculous. Everybody goes too far sometimes, aren’t you all being a little Draconian?"->Draco2]] [["I’d rather the gibbet."->Gibbet]] [["I’ll take the tree."->Tree]]

"Fantastic!" Tomas says, pulling out a larger sketchbook, "I’ll start on the designs right away." "I’m wondering," Hugh says, "Should we get a hangman?" "Do we really need a hangman?" Pete asks, "Can't Thomas design the gibbet with a lever?" "Yes, but who should be in charge of pulling the lever?" I ask. [[Howard->Lever Acceptance]] [[Hugh->Lever Acceptance]] [[Magnus->Lever Acceptance]] [[Tomas->Lever Acceptance]] [[Victor->Lever Acceptance]] [[Harry->Lever Acceptance]] [[Pete->Lever Acceptance]] [[Hank->Lever Acceptance]] [[You]] [[Myself]]

"Tomas crumples up the gibbet sketches he'd been making, in disgust. "I'm wondering," Hugh says, "Should we get a hangman?" "Do we really need a hangman?" Pete asks, "If we used a tree couldn’t we set it all up and have Colby jump of a chair or stool or something?" "A chair? Wouldn’t that look extremely tacky?" Magnus says in disgust. "Well we could figure something else out, but I doubt there are any free-lance hangmen wandering around the country, now that capital punishment has been done away with absolutely, for the time being," Pete says, "We'd probably have to fly one in from England or Spain or one of the South American countries, and even if we did that how could we know in advance that the man was a professional, a real hangman, and not just some money-hungry amateur who might bungle the job and shame us all, in front of everybody?" "I'd agree," Tomas says, "Instead, we could have Colby stand on a large round rubber ball ten feet in diameter. This would afford a sufficient drop and would also roll out of the way if Colby suddenly changed his mind after jumping off." "You’re all being very unfair to our dear friend Colby!" Magnus says in shock. "Without using a regular hangman we were placing an awful lot of the responsibility for the success of the affair on Colby himself. I’m sure our friend Colby will perform creditably and not disgrace us at the last minute, men have been known to get a little irresolute at times like that," Tomas says which we all nod in agreement with, "A ten-foot-round rubber ball, which could probably be fabricated rather cheaply, would insure a bang-up production right down to the wire." At the mention of wire, Hank, who had been silent all this time, suddenly spoke up: "I wonder if it wouldn't be better if we used wire instead of rope. It’s more efficient and in the end it’s kinder to Colby." [[Freeze.]]

"No, you cannot!" Howard says and turns to the group of friends who were slightly aghast at his unpleasantness, "A firing squad would just be an ego trip for him with the blindfold and last-cigarette bit." Howard turns back to you to say: "You’re in enough hot water already without trying to upstage everyone with unnecessary theatrics." "I'm sorry," you say, "I hadn't meant it that way." [["I’d rather the gibbet."->Gibbet]] [["I’ll take the tree."->Tree]]

Howard gives a sharp remark: "This has already been discussed. Which do you want, gibbet or tree?" [["I’d rather the gibbet."->Gibbet]] [["I’ll take the tree."->Tree]]

You look green, and honestly I don't blame you. there is something extremely distasteful in thinking about being hanged with wire instead of rope -- it gives you sort of a revulsion, when you think about it and we had solved the problem so neatly with Tomas's rubber ball idea. "That's out of the question," I say, "It would cut into the branch when Colby’s full weight hit it and injure the tree. People respect the environment these days, we don’t want our guests to think we don't, do we?" "Yes, you're right," Tomas says, "I can quickly have the ball made quickly and we will ensure that Colby is as comfortable as possible." [["And I believe that's everything settled then?"->After Gibbet]]

"Yes, I agree. I don't think there's anything beyond that." Howard says. No one else is able to come up with anything either, so we finish our drinks and say our goodbyes. We all have business to attend to and you have preparations to make. [[Wait for the event.]]

"Are you sure?" he asks. You nod. [["Is that everything decided then?"->After Gibbet2]]

"Are you sure?" I ask. You nod. [["Is that everything decided then?"->After Gibbet]]

"Are you sure? Without using a regular hangman, we are placing an awful lot of the responsibility for the success of the affair on you. Now, my dear friend, I’m sure you will perform creditably and not disgrace us at the last minute, but men have been known to get a little irresolute at times like that," Tomas says which we all nod in agreement with, "I can include a mechanism, such that once you stand on the trap door, it will open itself after a period of perhaps ten seconds. That way, we would ensure a bang-up production right down to the wire." At the mention of "wire," Hank, who had been silent all this time, suddenly spoke up: "I wonder if it wouldn't be better if we used wire instead of rope. It's more efficient and in the end it’s kinder to Colby." [[Freeze.]]

Everything went off very smoothly on the day of the event. It didn't rain, the event was well attended, and we didn't run out of Scotch, or anything. The two things I remember best about the whole episode are the grateful look you gave me when I said what I said about the wire, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again. [[End]]

The end. [[Return to the Start->Title]]

Everything went off very smoothly on the day of the event. It didn't rain, the event was well attended, and we didn't run out of Scotch, or anything. The two things I remember best about the whole episode is the look in your eyes right before the lever was pulled, and the fact that nobody has ever gone too far again. [[End]]