Florida Man

This game was adapted from an ancient holy tome that has been passed down throughout the generations, this tome nicknamed the Sunshine Act contains one of the most chilling urban legends to ever exist, The Legend of Florida Man. This game is not safe for work, so play at your own risk. [[I am an adult or at least pretending to be one on the internet, so I can play this game!->Play]]

You wake up in your Florida timeshare vaguely reeking of alchohol. You look down at your hands and notice that their covered by some sticky substance. You go to your sink and wash your hands. You hear a loud noise coming from your neighbors. [[Investigate the noise]] [[Ignore the noise and get ready for work->Love/Jail]]

You investigate the noise all the way to your neighbors apartment. The door is wide open and you discover that he's brutally attaking the mailman because he's got no mail. You find this unnaceptable, since you like the mailman. You attack your neighbor and pin him on the floor. [[Kill him]] [[Leave him with a warning]]

You decide to ignore the noise, your in Florida after all. You wash up and open your laptop to check your ad on craigslist. You go by the monicker the Topless Handyman, your an "illegal contracter" whose services are mostly requested by young women. You see that a young woman has responed to your add, requesting to meet you at an abandoned building to perform your special services. [[You drive to the building]] [[You decide to stay at home]]

How bad could it be, work is work right. You arrive at the building, an abandoned airplane parts factory. There you see the woman standing by herself near the door. As you approach her, two men jump out of the building and restrain you. They arrest you for your illegal activites, but give you one chance for a phone call. [[Call your lawyer]] [[Call your friend in the cartel]]

The request looks sketchy so you decide to take a pass. You ponder about what you want to do for the day when you open your phone. You get a series of texts from your girlfriend asking what you did last night. [[Tell her what happened]] [[Change the subject]]

You take a minute a try to assemble your fragmented memories. You think you were hungry so you attacked a pizza deliveryman to rob him of his pizza. You decide to be truthful and tell that to your girlfriend. She freaks out and calls the cop. They come over to your house, knock down the door, and arrest you. You now have to go to court. [[Embrace the system]] [[Try to avoid going to court]]

You panic, and struggle to come up with a topic to change the conversation with. Then you remember that you've been dating for three weeks, which is more than enough time to propose to her. You decide that today will be the day. [[Text your girlfriend to meet you]] [[Wait this is an important desicion, you should make a beer run first!]]

Even though it goes against every Floridaman intinct in your body. You decide to go to court like a good citizen, and embrace the system. You attempt proceed throught the trial when you come up with a brilliant idea. As revenge you decide to show the jury a sex tape between you and your girlfriend to humilate her. You on the other hand are way too proud of what can only be called a mediocre performance. The jury is disgusted and imposes an unusually harsh sentence on you. Good Job!

While you rack your brains to come up with an idea, but can't come up with anything so you go anyways. However, you have a flash of brillance when you arrive at the courthouse. You scream that you have ebola. The judge cusses at you and flees the room. The entire courtroom panics, and quickly you find that you are the only one left. You managed to avoid going to court but now your alone in a courtroom and the entire world thinks you have ebola. Good Job!

You text your girlfriend to meet you at the courthouse. This is your tenth proposal, you want to make this one special. You decide that your going to make a fake DUI trial. You call all your family and friends and make them the judge and jury. When your girlfriend arrives, she looks at you in concern, oblivious to your intentions. Five minutes into the "trial" you pop the question to her, but she rejects you. Zero for ten, that stings. At least nobody you cared about was there to witness it, oh wait. Good Job!

You decide to not rush into too much and make a beer run first. Of course, you take your trusty pet alligator Bubba with you to the gas station. The cashier freaks out but you can't understand why. Bubba is just a baby. After shotgunning two of those beers, you make up your mind. You tie an engangement ring aroud Bubba's tail and tell your girlfriend to meet you at the park. There, you pop the question and show her Bubba. She immediately accepts. Altough for some strange reason you feel like she loves Bubba more than she loves you. Good Job!

You call your lawyer, who works at the leading law firm, Satan, Lucifer and Smith. At the trial he performs so admirably that you get completly aquitted of your charges and you win a large settlement. Now that your filthy stinking rich you decide to run for political office. [[Run for congress]] [[Run for the mayorship of your local town]]

You call your friend from the local cartel to help you deal with the police, he's reluctant but finally agrees when you remind him about the Miami affair, which only you two know about. As the police put you in the backseat of their car he arrives with his friends. They procede to have a standoff which leads to a shootout, which leads to the police officers dying. Your friend looks at you and says that he can deal with the bodies but you got to do him a favour, you can either smuggle some drugs or steal something. [[Smuggle the drugs]] [[Steal something]]

The plan is simple, you just have to cross the boarder of Mexico, pick up the cocaine, and come back to Florida. Easy right! You drive your red suv down to the boarder, claiming that you, a 35 year old man, are on Spring Break. When you pick up the drugs, you notice that they are contained in 100 lunchable packages. You somehow make it past boarder security, but get caught when you get a speeding ticket and the cop gets suspicious of why you have so many lunchables. Good Job!

The plan is simple, you just have to break into an Amazon warehouse, steal 36,000 pounds of Crisco, and then escape without anyone noticing. You somehow actually manage this feat, safely delivering the Crisco to your friend while vowing to change your occupation to something more conventional, maybe an accountant. You never quite managed to find out what the cartel needed 36,000 pounds of Crisco for and you never will. Good Job!

You join the Republican party and make your congressional bid. Under Marcio Rubio's mentorship you win an overwhelming victory against all the odds. However, once you get to congress you make some minor mistakes. You accidently confuse top officials as representatives of the Indian government, even going so far as to impress them with your knowledge of Bollywood movies. Who says Floridamen aren't cultured. After that incident you get caught buying cocaine by the FBI. Oops, you messed up your political career and are now going behind bars. Good Job!

Your election campaign starts off smoothly. However, a small problem arises when your opponent decided to dig up dirt on you. Apparently, people don't like when you wear white bedsheets and attack drag queens with tiki torches, crazy right. Your policy plan of getting rid of tests, because you know for a fact that standardized testing are designed to make people gay, didn't help much. You not only miserably lose the election but also what very little dignity you had, for the rest of your life you will be known as a homophobe. Good Job!

You've never killed anyone before so you hesitate, but then you see his trading card collection, and realize that you could probably sell it for over $100,000. So you make the final blow. The mailman looks at you in horror before running away. You realize that the police are going to show up soon, so you grab the cards and get into your car. [[Flee to Canada]] [[Stay in Florida]] [[Flee to Mexico]]

You decide that killing him would be irresponsible so you decide to be merciful and bite his ear off. You then decide to take a drive to your local supermarket and browse around for a little bit. Three items catch your attention but you have no money, so you decide to shoplift. [[Steal the chainsaw]] [[Steal women's underwear]] [[Steal from the vending machine]]

You've been really wanting a chainsaw for a while, so you decided to smuggle it out of the store by putting it down your pants. It's a full proof plan, if anyone says anything you can just get mad at them for staring at your extraordinary long sexual organ. It's genius. However, as your walking out the building, you notice a cop car approach. [[Try to make a break for it]] [[Get some money first]]

You decide that you are feeling extraordinarily perverted this day, so you take 800 pairs of women's underwear and run to your car. The cashiers and the other customers are so shocked that you escape before they can react. To this day they still talk about the pantyman, usually followed by a look of disgust. Good Job!

You decide that you won't do anything too crazy, you just want a Coca-Cola. No matter what you try, whether banging the glass, shaking the machine or trying to tip it over, the coke still won't come out. Eventually you try to crawl into the machine but end up getting stuck. You scream for help, but all you get are confused looks. You have no idea how your going to get out. Good Job!

You see the police cars and try to sprint to your own. However, the giant chainsaw in your pants makes it hard to run. Incredibly you make it to your car and you and the police car engange it a grand chase. You somehow manage to lose him, and as your driving home victorius, you get stopped by another police officer for speeding. He doesn't realize that your the wanted criminal so you play it cool, but he takes so long to write your ticket. You decide to pull the ultimate power move and call 911 on him for taking too long. The officer that arrived on the scene unluckily happened to be one of the officers that was chasing you, and you get arrested. Good Job!

Since your already most likely screwed, you try to get some money while your at it. You notice an atm to your right, so you take out a hammer and attempt to attack it. However, the atm proves to be extraordinarily tough, or your just weak, your not sure. By the time you manage to crack the atm, the police have got you cuffed and in the back seat of a car. Good Job!

You decide to flee up north. However, the drive is long and while those trading cards might be worth a lot, they you can't covert them into food. You get more and more hungry until it's unbearable. You finally pull into a gas station when you see a man in the parking lot with a pickled sausage, you look down at your open glovebox and notice you have a loaded gun. You've already killed one man, what's another. You shoot him, and take his sausage to satisfy your hunger. However, the sausage gives you diarrhea while driving, and you swerve into the path of a semi truck. Good Job!

You decide to go to another city in Florida, you buy a cheap motel room and decide to lay low. However, you run into the mail man of all people, and he reports you to the police. They don't let you get away twice. You get sentenced to prison. Life at the prison isn't so bad, at least you get three meals a day. You eventually get assigned to a lax work permit and one of the boys ask you to escape and smuggle beer and cigarettes into the prison. You decide to do it, and manage to slip past the officer in charge. When you get to the liquor store you notice a man panicking outside an suv, and a baby trapped inside with the keys. [[Help the man]] [[Complete your mission]]

You decide that you need to get out of the country as soon as possible. However, you realize you don't know a lick of Spanish so you find a safehouse near the border, in Texas. There you decide that you need to make a living somehow, so you buy a portable meth kit for $50 and hide it in your pants. When you make your first batch, you realize that someone needs to test it. You happen to see a police twitter post saying that they'd happily test the quality of your meth for free. [[Let the police test it]] [[Test it yourself]]

You use your criminal skills and help the man get his child out of the car, breaking the window in the process. The man calls you a hero, and even the owner of the liqour store comes out to congratulate you. However, all this press attracts the attention of a nearby police officer, and your sentence is lengthened for an attempted escape from prison. Good Job!

You have an important mission to complete, you can't waste your time on this stranger. You go inside the liqour store, and buy you beers and cigarettes. Then you go back into prison, and distribute your goods to the boys. Your a local hero, but you run into the prison warden who gives you a strange look. Then it hits you, you just broke out of prison only to break back into prison. Good Job!

Did you really think that the police would just test the quality of your meth and then let you walk away? The twitter post was obviously a joke, but I guess you are a Florida man. When you arrive at the police headquarters they promptly arrest you. Good Job!

You can't trust the police, so you decide to test the meth yourself. Somehow, you end up on the sidewalk completely naked, with a sword in your hands. You scream at anyone that you can see that there's a giant spider on your back, and you want to challenge them to a duel. The police quickly come and arrest you. Good Job!