Cow Tipping Simulator 2018

You’re in your room, sitting on your bed. It’s a warm autumn evening in rural Wisconsin. The air has begun to take on the chill of autumn, but warm winds still find their way to your neighborhood every so often. Something about the atmosphere is pushing you, urging you into action. This is the night. The night you’ve always dreamed of. It’s the night for… [[Staying home and reading a book]]! [[Staying home and meditating]]! [[Cow Tipping]]!

You curl up in bed with your favorite book, The Anarchist Cookbook. Just as you get settled in, you hear a low, bellowing noise emanating from the field next to your house. You attempt to tune it out, but the ground-shaking, wall-rattling moans pierce your psyche absolutely. Something has to be done! [[Cow Tipping]]! [[Staying home and meditating]]!

Sat in the direct center of your bed. Legs crossed. Arms relaxed, elbows on knees. Eyes closed. Chakras aligned. Your brain begins is slow but steady ascension to a higher state, gradally shaking of the mortal coil and beginning to mingle with the thoughts of the past. As your extremities start to chill and go numb, your body’s functions begin shutting down, freeing more resources for your mind. However, just seconds after your mental separates from your physical, you begin to feel a tug back. Looking back at your body, you cannot at first tell why. Try as you might, you can’t fight this pull, and are drawn back in towards you room, your bed, your body. As you grow closer, you begin to sense the interruption to your escape: a low, bellowing noise emanating from the field next to your house. You attempt to tune it out, but the ground-shaking, wall-rattling moans pierce your psyche absolutely. Something has to be done! [[Cow Tipping]]! [[Staying home and reading a book]]!

The cow in the next field is finally going to pay! For years, his incessant bellows have haunted your waking hours; now it’s your chance to haunt his. First, you’ll need to sneak out of the house without your parents seeing. [[Walk calmly out the front door]] [[Climb sneakily out the window]]

Your face hardly betrays a lick of your deep internal rage as you exit your cupboard under the staircase and walk out the front door. The sun, now deep in the sky, does little to offset the chill in the air; however, the fire in your heart is providing more than enough heat. As you reach the end of the driveway, your dad calls out to you from the front door. [[Listen to what he has to say]]. [[Bolt]]!

You manage to crawl through the duct in the wall; you’re nearly too big now, but luckily you didn’t eat breakfast this morning. You emerge on the front lawn, and from behind you, you hear your dad yell something at you. [[Listen to what he has to say]]. [[Bolt]]!

You turn slowly back towards the house, apprehensive yet confident. You’ve lied to your parents before, and you know you can do it again. “Where’re you off to sport?” “[[The library]]!” “[[The gym]]!” “[[The field to tip some cows]]!”

As quick as a whip, you turn and make a sprint for it. From behind you, you hear your dad say, “Running from an authority figure?! Now there’s the child I raised!” The pride in his voice is fills you with determination. For the first time in your life, you feel like you’ve made your parents proud! You feel the overwhelming urge to [[go home]] and rejoice in your parents’ satisfaction. continue on to [[the field]].

“The library? Oh of course, the library! Where Big Brother stores all their propaganda! You’re gonna go there, think you’re learning something, and WHAM! The government has you by the neck! I won’t have any child of mine becoming a government crony! You can’t fight the government with knowledge, you’ve gotta fight them with fighting! Go to your room!” Go to [[your room]]. [[Bolt]]!

“The gym? Oh of course, the gym! Where you’ll go and spend all your energy, making your arms big! You know who that’s good for?! The government! They’ll see your big arms, and they’ll draft you! Send you to fight their wars and then throw you out! You’ve gotta be smart, use your energy to outwit them! It takes real brains to fight back against the government! Take some time to think about it in your room!” Go to [[your room]]. [[Bolt]]!

“Cow tipping? You don’t say… I remember going cow tipping when I was a boy. Those were the days! No better way to stick it to the man! It really sends a message, don’t you think?” Your dad seems to approve of you extracurricular activity! Time to head off to [[the field]]! [[your room]]!

You’ve finally made it to the battleground. The place where you’ll stake your claim to fame. Where you and your mortal foe shall finally weave yourselves into the tapestry of history. Or at the very least, you’ll get them to shut up. Actually, now that you think about it, you don’t hear the guttural cries any more. Although at first you think the cow may have sensed your approach and slipped the clutches of fate, you soon realize that this was exactly what you needed: it means the cow has lowered its guard and gone to sleep. [[Continue]] to your destiny. [[Go home->go home]] and leave the cow in peace.

As you approach your house, you see your dad grow more and more displeased. “I knew you were sentimental! I knew it was too good to be true! I give up! Go to your room!” Go to [[your room]]. [[Bolt]]!

As you crest the hill, you see it. Standing there, swaying gently in the breeze, is a large spotted mammal. You know at once your lives were intertwined. As you approach, you sense the stars growing brighter and dimmer at the same time. Suddenly, the cow stirs. You stop dead in your tracks. Make no mistake; this is it. Approach [[slowly]]. Approach [[quickly]].

The grass under your feet betrays hardly a sound during your light forward advance. The cow is minimally aware, likely consumed by its unconscious plotting of the subjugation of all earthly life. When you get within a couple feet, you draw back your arms, and [[push]]. [[PUUSH]]! [[PUUUUSH]]!!!

Your lithe form cuts through the air quickly and decisively. The cow, conscious or not, has hardly a microsecond to react before you’re upon it. With all of your force, you [[push]]. [[PUUSH]]! [[PUUUUSH]]!!!

Your weak push leaves hardly a dent in the side of the cow. You need to push again, but harder. You need to [[PUUSH]]! [[PUUUUSH]]!!!

Your hefty push seems to stagger the cow. It stirs, but ultimately is undeterred from its sleepy activity. You have no choice: you have to [[PUUUUSH]]!!! [[Leave the cow alone]].

With every fiber of your being, every single ounce of strength you can muster, every last trickle of willpower contained within your soul: YOOOOUUUU PUUUUSHSHSHSHSHSH!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!ELEVEN!!!! As you impart every bit of your force into impelling the cow, you sense a new horizon opening in your mind. The earth’s rotation is slowed by a significant percent. Aliens on other planets take notice. Yet: the cow is unfazed. You collapse into a heap at the base of the cow, utterly and completely defeated. The cow slowly lifts a single eyelid. It chews its cud in a gloating manner, then slowly opens its jaw. From within, you swear you hear: “That’s called child tipping!!! AH HA HA!!!” [[The End]]

You realize you have no quarrel with this cow. Even after everything you have done to it, it has ignored you, magnanimous as always. Just as it cares not about your actions upon it, it cares not what happens to you. Your anger dissipates into the universe around you as you recognize the true power that comes from acknowledging the indifference of those around you. By choosing the high road, you have truly ascended. You are now truly at peace. [[The End]]

Congratulations, you’ve completed the game! Hopefully you got the ending you wanted. If not, play again! There’s many paths to take! Thank you for playing! [[Play again->your room]]