(set: $killed to false)(set: $army to false)You are a (set: $choices to (array: "fat and smelly", "strong and violent", "charismatic and beautiful"))[(display: "OgreCycle")]<choice| ogre.
You live peacefully in your swamp, spending the days bathing in mud. You find peace in solitude, eating onions and garlic alone.
One cold, summer night you feel the ground trembling. In the distance you see a crowd approaching, the flames of their torches faintly illuminating their disgruntled faces as they approach. As they get closer, you move to intercept them. Standing before them, you roar...
[["Wit are ye daen in me swomp?"|Villager Response]](link: (text: $choices's 1st) )[
(set: $choices to (rotated: -1, ...$choices))
(replace: ?choice)[(display: "OgreCycle")]
](if: $choices's 1st is "strong and violent")[(display: "Strong and Violent")]
(if: $choices's 1st is "charismatic and beautiful")[(display: "Charismatic and Beautiful")]
(if: $choices's 1st is "fat and smelly")[(display: "Fat and Smelly")]The villagers stand back, equally impressed and threatened by your massive muscles. A skinny brown-haired man steps forwards from the group, his pitchfork raised.
"We're here to rid the swamp of this horrid monster," he says, gesturing up and down to you with his weapon.
You roll your eyes.
[["Yer dead"|Merc em]]
[[Scare them off]]The villagers panic as you roar behind them.
You smile, proud of your work.
[[Rest]](set: $killed to true)"Aye, shore laddy," you say, reaching forwards slowly.
The thin man, horrified, backs up, trying to avoid your reach. Unfortunately for him, you catch his face easily. His head is nothing to your commanding grip. It bursts instantly, painting the rest of the crowd a deep red.
Most of the group is in shock, blankly staring at the headless corpse of their fallen comrade. A few have decided to take up action and begin pushing forwards with their makeshift weapons in hand. With a quick flick of your arm, you yank out your first victim's spine. You balance low to the ground, holding the spine behind you, ready to whip any potential opponents.
The first foe, a middle aged man wielding a pitchfork, moves in quickly. He feints left, looking for a reaction, then dives, committing to a heavy thrust at your heart.
"Wot amateurs," you think to yourself, easily sidestepping the blow and throwing the man down. You crush his chest mercilessly with your ragged leather boot.
Another man jumps at you with a torch. You swat him down with your massive arms, killing him instantly. Rotating, you spot a young woman with a knife. Her legs lock and her face fills with a look of pure fear. Smirking, you swing your makeshift whip, catching her chin and pushing it several inches into the rest of her skull.
The remaining villagers realize they don't stand a chance. They turn tail and flee.
[[Rest]]The villagers pause, taken aback by your beauty. You hear a loud cry of "marry me!" from the back of the group.
Regaining his composure, a skimpy ginger steps forwards from the crowd with his torch raised.
"We're here to defeat YOU!" he shouts, clearly fazed by your good looks.
[["Thaur main be some other solution..."]]
[[Scare them off]](set: $army to true)The villagers swoon at the sound of your scottish accent.
"HOT!" a woman shouts, "I love scottish men," hollers another.
The man at the front lowers his weapon. "N-n-no, we must... we m-m-must take down the mighty ogre..." he stutters out, obviously lost in the dreaminess of your eyes.
You wink and he faints.
After a brief chat, the villagers are eager to fight for you, willing to risk anything for their handsome, green ogrelord.
[[Rest]]The villagers, frightened by your mighty roar, stand back. An average man, looking to be around 20 years of age, steps forward with his torch raised.
"We're here to slay the mighty ogre!" he proclaimed. Cheers of approval arose from the crowd.
You stand up, towering above the puny humans. With a quick huff, you blow out the villager's torch...
[["Boo."|Scare them off]]You go to bed. In the morning you awake to a commotion. It appears a herd of fairy tale creatures have arrived overnight.
(if: $killed)["Ah!" Screams Pinocchio, stepping into a puddle of the villagers' blood from the night before.
"What happened here?" questioned Bo Peep in disgust.
[["Gettae or yoo'l end up loch those villagers"]]](if: $choices's 1st is "charismatic and beautiful")["Wow, what an attractive ogre," Pinocchio said, trying to sort his conflicting emotions.
[["Maybe ye aw can jist leave"]]]
[["Wa are ye troaps here?"]]
A donkey with the voice of Eddie Murphy emerges from the pack of fairy tale creatures.
"Lord Farquaad exiled us fairy tale creatures to your swamp!" he explained, "We must live here under the decree of Farquaad."
[["Wa dornt ya teel heem tae exile ye somewhere else?"]]"We tried but he wouldn't listen," Donkey explained, "Maybe you can talk some sense into him!"
[["Awright fine"]]"Well, since you put it so nicely..." a donkey with the voice of Eddie Murphy says, looking dreamily into your eyes.
"Oi shore, just fookin shoo," you say, growing tired of their presence.
After brief chatter, the fairy tale creatures agree to leave you.
[[Rest|Rest two]]You raise your fist at the creatures. The creatures flinch back, obviously afraid of the pain you are capable of inflicting upon them. He turns to the rest of his group and they collectively grimace.
"I guess we'll get going then..." he says, turning his head towards you in attempt to make you feel any sense of remorse.
"Shoo, laddies," you say, belching loudly as to demonstrate your lack of care for their well-being.
The creatures vanish into the distance, never to be seen again.
[[Rest|Rest two]]You reluctantly allow Donkey to guide you to Lord Farquaad's castle.
"ONLY THOSE WITH PERMISSION MAY SPEAK TO HIS MAJESTY!" shouts a guard upon your arrival.
"Ah jist want tae gab tae Farquaad, ah got aw these buggers in me swomp!" you explain.
"IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO FARQUAAD, I RECOMMEND YOU PARTICIPATE IN THE TOURNAMENT!" replies the guard, "IF YOU WIN, YOU GET THE HONOR OF RESCUING HIS MAJESTY'S BRIDE FROM HER TOWER!"
[["Hoo dae ah join?"]]
(if: $choices's 1st is "strong and violent")[ [["Fock you, jabber"]] ](if: $army)[ [["Fock you, jabber"]] ]You easily crush the competition, slamming all the lowly human knights into deep slumber. Tag teaming with donkey, your foes don't stand a chance.
You find yourself standing before Lord Farquaad as he presents his case. Farquaad needs to marry a princess in order to ascend to throne as the king. However, his bride to be, Fiona, is trapped in a tower guarded by a dragon, and he needs a hero to go get her.
(if: $killed)["Oi wait!" exclaimed Farquaad, "Aren't you the dimwit who killed all of my subjects the other night? SEIZE HIM!"
You're taken to court and within seconds you're sentenced to death.
[["Aw fick"]]](else:)[ [["I'll gie yer princess"]] ]You bring down your massive fist on the armored man, crushing every bone in his body. The alarm horns blaze. Infantry rush to surround you. Looking around, you spot a gap in the defense.
[[Flee]]
[[Fight]]You spend the rest of your days living a lonesome, peaceful existence in your swamp. Eventually, word comes that the remaining fairy tale creatures were either sold into slavery or executed.
However, that doesn't concern you.
You're an all star.
Get your game on.
Go play.
(if: $army)[Suddenly, your allied villagers bust in. Working together, you easily dispose of the king's forces. You take down Farquaad himself and ascend to the throne. As a kind and benevolent ruler, you distribute land between fairy tale creatures and humans proportionally, and keep the swamp to yourself.
"We could all use a little change" -Smash Mouth](else:)[As you dive for the hole in their formation, a short guard hidden behind the main line reveals himself. With a quick thrust of his spear, he pierces your heart. As you lie pinned against the ground, your vision fading to black, you remember the words your mother told you...
You're an all star.
Get your game on.
Go play...](if: $army)[Suddenly, your allied villagers bust in. Working together, you easily dispose of the king's forces. You take down Farquaad himself and ascend to the throne. As a kind and benevolent ruler, you distribute land between fairy tale creatures and humans proportionally, and keep the swamp to yourself.
"We could all use a little change" -Smash Mouth](else:)[You swing your arms, attempting to take out as many guards as you possibly can with you. As their spears pierce your skin, you can't help but think of your late father's passing words...
Only shooting stars break the mold...
The guards pin you to the ground. Your muscles relax. Your vision fades to black.
"Ah broke the mold pa," you think to yourself, "Ah broke the mold."]As you lie under the guillotine awaiting your punishment, your late grandfather's words rushed back to you.
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim...
"Aam swimming noo pa," you say to yourself, "Aam swimming noo..."
The blade rushes down your throat, quickly separating head from torso. Your vision goes black instantly.You leave for the toward, heading west. After two days' travel, you and Donkey finally get to the tower.
The dragon guarding the tower stands before you, breathing fire in attempt to scare you off.
[["Donkey, distract th' dragon!"]]
[["I'll distract th' dragon, donkey, goo aheed!"]]Donkey begins to sweet talk the dragon.
"Hey sweet thang..."
His voice disappears into the background as you ascend the tower steps. Upon reaching the top, you find a fair skinned ginger woman.
"Yer comin with me," you say assertively, dragging her away from her domain.
Moving quickly, you race down the steps, grabbing donkey and leaving the tower. Donkey says something about a deeper relationship with the dragon, but you pay no attention to it. Settling down for the night, you decide to rest.
[[Rest|Rest three]](if: $choices's 1st is "charismatic and beautiful")["Guid day sexy," you say.
The dragon loses her mind. She has never encountered a being as attractive as you. She is completely and utterly infatuated with you.
For some reason, you can't help but feel the same feelings towards her.
[["Hoo abit we gie it ay haur an' heed back tae mah place?"]]](else:)[You give one quick look at the dragon. She flashes you a quick glare. With a quick puff you feel your hard, leathery, green skin ignite. The pain burns you deep to your core.
"Stoop it!" you holler, your thoughts clouded by the sharp, searing pain of her fire.
Your mother's parting words rush back to you...
It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder...
You're bundled up now wait til you get older...
"It's nae cool, ma..." you say, your flesh burning to a crisp black, "it's... nae... cool."
Your ashes scatter in the wind, flying away to the corners of the earth, never to be seen again.
end.
]You, donkey and Fiona spend the night in a cave. As you travel back to the kingdom, you feel yourself developing feelings for Fiona. You grow closer, walking down the winding paths of the kingdom. She's beautiful, strong and capable. You decide you must profess your love to her. The last night before she has to depart, you muster up all your courage and get ready to tell her.
"... an ugly beast! There's no way it would work!" you hear Fiona shouting.
"Me?" you think, "An ugly beast?"
[["Fa are ye callin' ugly beast?"]]
[[Flee and turn Fiona over to Farquaad]]You return to your swamp and make sweet, sweet love to your dragon lady. The next day, she sets fire to the earth, burning the fairy tale creatures and kingsmen alike. You spend the rest of your lives together, happily in the absence of others.
"We could all use a little change." -Smash Mouth"Shrek?" Fiona cried, noticing your presence, "No! I would never call you an ugly beast!"
Fiona steps into the light, revealing her thick, leathery, green skin. She explains her situation, letting Shrek know that she turns into an ogre every night, and how only true love's kiss will break her curse.
The two of you kiss, ending her curse and permanently turning Fiona into an ogre. You both decide to escape together. Disappearing into the country, you settle down in a new swamp. You find true love, have several ogre children, and live a life of simplicity and happiness away from society.
"You'll never shine if you don't glow." -Smash MouthYou turn and run, your heart broken.
The next day, you turn over Fiona emotionlessly, feeling no remorse for handing her over to the midget ruler. You get the deed to your swamp and return happily.
Donkey approaches you, shouting, "Why did you just hand her over, Shrek! She loved you!"
"Nae she didne," you say, focused on your newspaper, "She called me an ugly beast."
"What? No! She was talking about someone else!"
[["Whit? Ah need tae call of th' wedding!"]]
[["Ah dornt believe ye"]]You rush over to Farquaad's palace, busting through the doors of the cathedral right as Farquaad and Fiona are about to seal their vows.
"Bide fiona, Ah loove ye!" you shout, running up to her.
Leaning in, you kiss her, breaking her curse and permanently turning her into an ogre.
"Oi jeez what the frick," Farquaad says, disgusted by Fiona's state of being, "I don't wanna marry that!"
Fiona is released and you are able to live together peacefully in your swamp, having several children and enjoying the company of your good friend, Donkey (voiced by Eddie Murphy).
"Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming,
and they don't stop coming,
and they don't stop coming..."
-Smash MouthYou choose to ignore Donkey's cries. You kick him out and spend the rest of your days living in peace, alone in your swamp.
"My world's on fire, how about yours? That's the way I like it and I never get bored" -Smash Mouth