OMG Becky. How did you get Nicholas Cage on MSN!? [[I just guessed his username and it was like totally his]] [[I met him at a pancake shack and he said he'd give me his recipe]] [[He came to my island colony once and told me to contact him if anything ever went wrong again]] OMG **Becky!** you are like so totally wild! What are you gonna say to him!? Ask him about Bees! [[Hey Nic, how about those bees?]] [[ASL?]] [[OMG Nicholas CAAAAGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]] Double-click this passage to edit it.Nicholas Cage Says: Zoology has always been interesting to me. Nature is fascinating. I've always been told I'm like a beast.John always tells me that. Hah. John, he's a good friend of mine actually? You know him? John, you know John Travolta. It's not big deal, we go way back. [[Haha you're so deep Nick]] [[I hear you are like really into Snakes]] Nicholas Cage Says: Age is timeless. I'm just one method actor in a world full of heartbreak and pain. //My undies are like so soaked RN. OMG its NICK FUCKING CAGE.// You say: [[Yeah totally, omg of course, so like, what are you doing Saturday?]] [[Who are you kidding Nick, you're half bald... you must be at least 50?]]Nicholas Cage Says: I think that 'Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance' was mentally taxing, if only because I had to go to a Christmas party shortly after I had wrapped photography in Romania at two in the morning as the Ghost Rider. The invitation had a Christmas ornament on it with Ghost Rider's face on it as a tree. [[http://overmental.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/nic-cage-face.png]]Nicholas Cage says: Thanks, I try to do a lot of deep thinking. I have an acronym for myself. Know what it is? B.A.D. B.A.D… Balls, Attitude, Direction. You should give yourself an acronym… ’cause it helps you visualize your goals. [[You're right, mine could be- Just take me Nick.]] [[Send a heart emoji]] Nicholas Cage Says: All great stories begin with a snake babe. Snakes are sometimes perceived as evil, but they are also perceived as medicine. If you look at an ambulance, there's the two snakes on the side of the ambulance. The caduceus, or the staff of Hermes, there's the two snakes going up it, which means that the venom can also be healing. So I guess what I'm really saying is, I'll be your medicine. [[OH GOD NICK JUST SHOW ME YOUR SNAKE ALREADY!]]Nicholas Cage logs off. You never hear from him again. You were too agressive. Nicholas is a delicate plant that needs gently watering over months to flower. [[Becky, what happened?]] Double-click this passage to edit it.Nicholas Cage says: I was thinking of going to KFC. I like to hang out there. It's good to smell the chicken and just be about like a normal guy, you know? [[I LOVE KFC... i mean uh KFC is right around the corner of my house.. Maybe we could eat chicken together?]] [[EW KFC, you LARD ASS.]]Nicholas Cage starts sobbing and wailing uncontrollably. Nicholas Cage Says: **WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? WHY? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT? WHY DID YOU- WHY DID YOU- WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?** You try to tell Nick it was just a jo-- **WHY BECKY? WHY?** You try to tell him that it's just MSN and using all capslock is very ru-**WHY BECKY?** **WHY?!** You send Nicholas Cage an entire line of eggplant Emojis. He sent just one back. You think it's a good sign. [[Eggplant Emoji]]Nicholas Cage: Awwww A gentle breeze blows Nick's hair. This is odd, since you're inside at your computer. You see an image of Nick's windswept hair and his hand reaching out to touch your cheek. Your vision is rudely interupted when Nicholas Cage disappears offline. You never see him online again.Nicholas Cage says: Oh you like chicken huh.. all those legs and breasts and thighs. //Things are heating up between you and Nicholas Cage, you go and meet him at [[KFC]]Nicholas Cage is staring directly at the chat box. He's not moving, not saying anything. Just staring. //Nicholas Cage is offline//You and Nicholas Cage share a family bucket and go back to his mansion where you both recline on a fluffy chaise lounge and talk for hours about the history of the Coppola family. There is a painting of Nicholas Cage riding a white elephant on the wall. You can no longer take his teasing [[Get on Nick's Lap]] [[Pull Nick onto your thighs]] You get up onto Nicholas' firm haired legs. He grasps you by the hips. He reaches down to pull open his slacks-- **RING RING** **RING RING** [[**RING RING**]] Music begins to play. Nicholas Cage says: Oh I know this one. I know this one! Nicholas Cage begins to hum along to the melocdyw hich turns out to be //Keep on Loving You// by REO Speedwagon. [[Link text->https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJzNZ1c5C9c]]Nicholas Cage says: This isn't happening. ** THIS ISN'T HAPPENING** He looks at you and says "it's the FBI." "God that's hot, you probably think." //Nicholas Cage answers the phone// He says: Good Day, hi, yah, ok yeah I'll be downstairs in a ten minutes." He hangs up the phone and looks up at you. "I have to go to San Francisco." He gets up and leaves. You never see Nicholas Cage online again. Becky! I always knew something good would come of eating at pancake shake. When are you going to ask about the recipe? Do you think he'll let you cook it with him!? [[Hey Nic can I come over and cook pancakes at your place?]] [[Hey Nic, I saw the waiter after you left. She was crying over a dollar bill that had a picture of your face on it. Did you draw a picture of your own face on her tip?]] Nicholas Cage is typing. [[Wait]] [[Send a nudge]] Nicholas Cage Says: I'm kind of busy right now on the set of this new movie I'm filming in South Africa. But, I know this is crazy, but if we get married RIGHT NOW you could come with me. This 100% for real. Will you marry me? [[Marry Nic Cage]] [[Use classic misdirection to avoid a shotgun wedding to the most insane leading man of our generation]]Nicholas Cage is typing: [[Send another nudge]] [[Hey it's only pancakes we can like... do it another time.]]The two of you plan a quiet wedding in downtown Florida where Nic says he's never been. A recording of Frank Coppola's voice officiates the ceremony and before you know it you've settled into domestic bliss. Nic spends most of his time tailoring men's jackets... It's not something many people know he likes to do. You're very happy together for a time until one of you discovers a strange mound in your back garden and decides to dig it up. [[Nic digs it]] [[You dig it]]*THIS IS BREAKING NEWS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WACOM* Effective immediately all citizens of the U.S.A must submit their DNA for testing. The department of Homebrand Security needs your help. This is for your safety. I repeat citizens MUST comply. Free guns will be handed out to all citizens who comply. [[OMG Nic, I'm a doctor, quick send me your DNA?]] [[I have to go to the hospital...->Oh, that's Elvis daughter yeah?]]Nicholas Cage isn't typing any more. Who sends more than one nudge in a row man. That shit is so annoying. Only an alternate fate can say if you ever would have eaten pancakes with the man who screamed about bees in his eyes. [[OMG]] Double-click this passage to edit it.Something is emerging from your screen.... It seems to be the top of a balding man's head. It's writhing and squirming and pushing it's way through the LCD. Within a few seconds a tiny doll sized Nicholas Cage has popped from your screen and is demanding M&M's for his trailer. You adopt doll baby Nic Cage and live out your days together. Yeah we kind of have a bit of history. Well actually, she's my ex wife. I didn't want to get caught in conversation so I thought a picture of my face would be just as good. I think she's just struggling with the fact that me and Lisa Marie are still such good friends. [[Oh, that's Elvis daughter yeah?]] [[Do you want to give me that pancake recipe?]] Nicholas Cage Says: Let me tell you a story about me and Marie, we met at a doctors office once when I needed to go and hang out there for a role I was practising. So I was sitting around listening to elvis on the radio and pretending that I was really sick in the waiting room. I was giving angry glances to everyone who went in to the doctor's rooms because they were getting in a head of me. Anyway I hear this voice next to me and I look over and it's Marie telling me that I don't seem well and would I like to take her place. So I said yeh and I went into the doctor's office and they did my X-ray and found that I had eight more ribs than I should have and that my blood was the color green. [[OMG NIC are you ok?]] [[You're a monster.]]Nicholas Cage Says: INGREDIENTS 2 cups all-purpose flour creatures 2 teaspoons baking power rangers ¼ teaspoon salty looks across the room 1 tablespoon sugar, optional glib comment about Hillary's campaign 2 eggs 1 ½ to 2 cups milk 2 tablespoons melted and cooled butterlettuce (optional), plus unmelted butter for getting cooked. PREPARATION Heat a griddle or large skillet over medium-low heat. In a bowl, mix together dry ingredients. Beat you and your eggs up for sending that extra text message that didn't need to be sent, into 1 1/2 cups milk, then stir in 2 tablespoons melted cooled butterlettuce, if using it. Gently stir this mixture into dry ingredients, mixing only enough to moisten your desire for Nicolas Cage related pancakes; don't worry about a few lumps. If batter seems thick, then you're doing it right baby ;) add a little more milk. Place a teaspoon or 2 of butterlettuce or oil on griddle or skillet. When butter foam subsides or oil shimmers into a mirage of Nic Cage from Con Air, ladle batter onto griddle or skillet, making pancakes of any size you like. Adjust heat as necessary, you're probably feeling very steamy by now...; usually, first batch will require higher heat than subsequent batches. So make sure you're really horny. Flip pancakes after bubbles rise to surface and bottoms brown, after 2 to 4 minutes. Cook until second side is lightly browned. Serve, or hold to your body on an ovenproof plate in a 200-degree oven for up to 15 minutes, by now you should be hot enough to cook them. YOU'VE UNLOCKED PANCAKE RECIPE! [[Eat the pancakes]] You devour the pancakes that you have pancakstakingly created. You feel out of breath. Nic Cage truly has you cooked. He logs off and you never discuss the pancakes again. Nicholas Cage Says: I'm one of the greatest method actors of our generation. I made you believe that I was a monster. *you're not entirely sure but it seems like Nic is just staring dead eye at him monitor right now* [[Well... I should probably go...]]You stop talking to Nic Cage.. It's always a bad idea to meet your heroes. You decide to try adding Ben Affleck instead. Nicholas Cage Says: YOU KNOW WHAT? I"M NOT OKAY! I'M NOT! I'M NOT OKAY. I'M NOT OKAY. I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME I'M NOT OKAY. I'M JUST NOT OKAY. [[okay...]]Nicholas Cage Says: I'm sorry I feel like that got away from me. You just really undestand me. You seem to GET IT. Do you want to come and be my muse? I think you'd be great for me. What do you say? [[OH hehe, um I don't know what to say Nic...YES]] [[I'm so moist.]]Nicholas Cage buys you a one way ticket to Cage town and you spend your time on set hovering over Nic's every move like a conservative italian grandmother. You often use the phrases NICKY BOY and NIC KNACK One day when Nic is out, possibly on a date, you have a quiet wine and ask yourself how it all came to this. You empty the wine onto the floor and leave. Nic never sees you again. Nic Cage unexpectedly calls you on your cell phone. How did he get your number? It doesn't matter, it's probably that role he was practising for where he plays a psychic lumberjack on a quest to avenge his mother and become mayor of the village. You pick up... Hello? Hey, It's Nic. I wanted to hear your voice. Oh my gosh, it's so great to hear from you.. umm what do you want? I want you. Be with me? OMG really? Yes of course, I um, I'm such a BIG FAN. HAHAHA, oh thanks.. that was great.. I hope you don't mind I recorded all of that. I really needed this practise for my next role where I play a playboy school teacher climbing up the university ladder. Thanks Chick, you're the best. Nicholas Cage hangs up the phone. [[Send a turd to Nic's home]]You send a steamy poo to Nic's house. You never find out if he received it and you don't care cause Fuckboys ain't your MO! Nic grabs a spade and goes out to the yard. He digs at the mound. It's quite deep but after only fifteen minutes Nic finds a small box. Nic picks up the box and brushes the dirt from it with his big manly Nicholas Cage hands. He looks around.. Are you about? He sees nothing, so he decides to [[open the box]]. You go out into your backyard. There is like totally a really nice Jacaranda tree in bloom and the evening smells of sweetness. You would normally use a spade or something but the mound really doesn't look that big so instead you use your super long manicure to scrape at the dirt until you hit the corner of something gold. You keep scraping until you reveal that what you have been digging is a golden cannister marked: [[The Violent Return of Mark Mujires Starring Nicholas Cage]] Nic opens the box very slowly... As he opens the lid, light pours out from the box. The light flickers. As Nic looks down into the box he realises that it's a screen. A chat window, open on a tablet.. "OMG BECKY... I DID IT. I tricked Nic into Marrying me. He is such a big dumb idiot." Nic reads your blinking words and sheds a big fat Nic Cage tear. He looks up at the house where you two have made your life together and decides right then and there to leave. He walks out the side gate and is never heard from again. You open the cannister to discover a film roll. You look around... Nic isn't here. You stash the cannister in your gigantic hip pocket and walk back inside like nothing happened. You needn't have worried because Nic has gone over to John Travolta's house to play the new Phoenix Wright game. [[Play the film]] [[Destroy the cannister]]You place the film in your antique film watching room and your butler, Barry, puts it on for you. Barry... never tell anyone I showed you this. Very good M'aam. The film begins with an 80ties cover of Dream a Little Dream by Mama Cass Elliot. The film turns out to star Nicholas Cage as the runt of a race car driving collective where he beats out the odds and wins the race and gets the girl. The movie makes you want a divorce. [[keys jangling]] You take the cannister to the kitchen and take our your rolling pin. SMASH SMASH SMASH You destroy the cannister and walk across the room to pick up your vacuum robot. You place the roomba on the remains and watch as it sucks up the last pieces. You have serviced the world. YOU WIN.Nicholas Cage walks in an sees what you've been doing. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO IT'S NOT READY IT'S NOT READY IT'S NOT READY IT NEEDS TO AGE FOR 40 YEARS. WHY DID YOU DO THIS WHY WHY WHY [[Stare at Nic]]You stare at Nic and say nothing. He walks up to you and begins to kiss you fiercely on the forehead. That's always been his thing. You know this means he forgives you. You being laughing. He begins laughing. HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH HA FUCKING HA HA HA HA HA FUCK KING HAAAA You both live happily ever after but you never got any pancakes.Nick sends one back. You continue this sexy encounter for several more lines. Becky what are you doing? You're freaking out... just like say something to him already. [[Nic, will you come to Pancake Shack with me?->I met him at a pancake shack and he said he'd give me his recipe]]Nicholas Cage says: OH MY GOD, THEY ARE AFTER US. OH MY GOD I WANT THE GUN I WANT THE GUN I WANT THE GUN DON'T WORRY I'LL GET US OUT OF HERE HERE TAKE MY DNA. [[Nic, it's going to take a while. We're not in the same place dude]] [[Claw at the screen]]Nicholas Cage Says: OKAY I've put the vial in the mail. It should arrive by tomorrow evening. Let's play spelunky co-op. [[Play Spelunky while you wait?]] [[Stare at the screen and wonder at what the fuck is going on with Nicholas Cage]]A vial of Nicholas Cage's blood pops out through your screen. [[Pick up the DNA ->Play Spelunky while you wait?]] The DNA arrives! You inspect the DNA. You have been a secret scientist ALL ALONG. Your love of Nicholas Cage knows no bounds and you, you my friend are an ARTISTE! You will build your home out of Nicholas Cage. You will construct the ULTIMATE in Cage sculpturation. You spend several weeks engineering Nic's DNA to form organic Nicholas Cage based building materials. [[Build a Prison]] [[Build a Dungeon]][[PONDER->Play Spelunky while you wait?]]You manufacture a fleshy prison out of Nicholas Cage's Organic Construction material. It's a bit wobbly but it should hold. Now to complete your ultimate bastion fantasy. Kidnap or convince Nic Cage to come to your prison. [[Kidnap]] [[Convince]]Double-click this passage to edit it.You call John Travolta on the telephone and ask him for Nicholas Cage's home address. You sneak over to his house wearing a tailored suit salesman disguise which you discovered in the other plotline. You knock on the door. Nicholas Cage answer: OH MY GOD AM I ON CANDID CAMERA? CALL ME TICKLED PINK ARE YOU A GODDAMN SUIT SALESPERSON? I LOVE A SUIT. [[Ask Nicholas to come with you to a prison]]Double-click this passage to edit it.Nicholas Cage Says: I'll do anything for a find suit. Of course I'll come with you. I don't know if you know this