The Disorder

(put: (prompt: "Welcome to The Disorder. Choose a first name for your character.") into $player) "Hello, $player," says your ship's robotic voice, vaguely modeled after a movie star from twenty years ago who you've never recognized. "Where would you like to go?" She sounds soothing, albeit a little flat. But she's familiar to you, like a constant friend. (click: "like a constant friend.")[You've been floating aimlessly through the expanse since you took off from the last dimension you visited. It was a lot like Earth, except everyone had two heads.] (click: "two heads.")[Eye contact was a pain, but they probably thought the same of you. It's been a long time since you've been in your home dimension. What do you tell your ship? [["Home, please. Earth, version 254, the usual."->1.2]]]

You wake up wrapped in soft sheets, the filtered light from the window gently warming your face. You shield your eyes from the light and wonder how long you’ve been asleep. (click: "wonder how long you’ve been asleep.")[A gnawing voice in the back of your head signals that all isn’t well, and you chalk it up to how you feel after nightmares – you must have had one, but you can’t quite remember. It doesn't matter, though. You nestle into the pillow, focused only on the softness...] (click: "focused only on the softness...")[Your eyes drift lazily open...] (click: "Your eyes drift lazily open...")[And you see the metallic walls with their looming, shimmering holograms. A hollowness pervades your belly. The sheets are suddenly cold. You reach up to touch your forehead, which is still [[swathed in gauze.-> chapter2.2]]]

Your bare feet collide with the cool metal floor. Yesterday rushes back. Your throat tightens, and it takes all your energy not to collapse back into the foreign bed. Instead, you fall to your knees, desperately running your palms along the ground to ascertain that it’s real. It doesn’t feel like any metal you’ve ever known. Despite how long you hold your hand to the surface, it never grows warmer. A cold sweat overtakes you. You cradle your head in your hands, fending off a rush of nausea. [[Breathe. You can handle this.->choice2.2.1]] [[You definitely cannot handle this.->choice2.2.2]]

You've been travelling through various realities and dimensions for years, ever since the travel program was instituted in 2148. (click: "ever since the travel program was instituted in 2148.")[You can only go to the dimensions on the government approved map, or else your ship gives you a big flashing error. You would know - you've tried.] (click: "You would know - you've tried.")[It makes sense. Not all realities have invented this kind of travel yet, and the government only wants you interacting with worlds that know you exist.] (click: "that know you exist.")[What do you think about that? [[It's pretty cool seeing all the different worlds in the cracks of time and space.->1.3]] [[Eh, I'm unsatisfied. I wish I could go anywhere, with no boundaries.->1.3]]]

But you've been exploring all day, and it's time to go home now. You have work in the morning. Your ship emits a few beeps, reconfiguring autopilot for home. You sit back, watching the stars swirl past you... (click: "swirl past you...")[Until suddenly, your ship begins to rattle and shake. A piercing noise erupts from overhead, red lights flashing. You've never seen this before. [[Try contacting someone.->1.3.1]] [[Fix it with what you know.->1.3.2]]]

Shaking a little with shock, you scramble for the buttons on your headset. You punch in the emergency center. You struggle to concentrate over the alarms. (click: "over the alarms.")[You hear a ring, and your chest swells, relieved. You're going to be fine.] (click: "You're going to be fine.")[When that ring turns to static.] (click: "static.")[And then to silence.] (click: "silence.")[[[You feel your ship shaking uncontrollably, sending you sprawling to the floor->1.4]]]

You've had this ship for so long, you can definitely fix this. Steeling yourself against the alarms, you wrack your brain... (click:"your brain...")[You remember the manual piloting system you read about in the instructions!] (click:"instructions!")[You press the appropriate buttons to access the steering control.] (click:"control.")[You hear a whirring sound and you sigh, relieved. You'll be fine.] (click: "You'll be fine.")[Until nothing happens. An error message gleams across the display: (color:red)[Manual Drive Unresponsive.]] (click: "Unresponsive.")[[[You feel your ship shaking uncontrollably, sending you sprawling to the floor.->1.4]]]

The year is 2163. Decades after achieving interplanetary travel, the U.S. scientific community discovered an infinite number of parallel dimensions, filled with infinite timelines, species, and variants on what we understand to be “human beings.” Explorations were launched to understand and document these other worlds, much like efforts to document extraterrestrial life. (click-replace: "Decades after achieving interplanetary travel, the U.S. scientific community discovered an infinite number of parallel dimensions, filled with infinite timelines, species, and variants on what we understand to be “human beings.” Explorations were launched to understand and document these other worlds, much like efforts to document extraterrestrial life.")[Think of these infinite dimensions like infinite planets, except tucked into the folds of time instead of space. In some of them, you may encounter people who look just like you save for an extra eye on the tip of their nose. In others, there may even be exact [[doppelgangers->doppelgangers]] of you, living out a present that could have been in your dimension but never happened.] (click-append: "living out a present that could have been in your dimension but never happened.")[[[ But what does this have to do with you?->INTRO PII]]]

A few of these universes are on a citizen-friendly travel list. Online ads feature space-time-fabric jumping ships pre-programmed with these destinations. Deviation from accepted destinations is not only illegal, but [[it is impossible to drive a ship off of its preprogrammed pathways.->INTRO PIII]]

You are one such traveler. You are (set: $age to "19")<mark><tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["19", "23", "35", "47"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$age");'>$age</tw-link></mark> years old. You work a day job as a (set: $job to "writer")<mark><tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["writer", "programmer", "mechanic", "sales clerk"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$job");'>$job</tw-link></mark>, but you travel because you crave knowledge(click-replace: "knowledge")[discovery] (click-replace: "discovery")[distraction] (click-replace: "distraction")[fun]. You are on your way to a familiar destination, floating through the starry highways of space and time. You have almost arrived. [[Welcome to THE DISORDER.->Title Page]]

THE DISORDER written by Rachel Zilberg [[TUTORIAL->Tutorial]] [[PLAY->Chapter 1.1]]

You tell yourself that you’ll never figure out this mess if you don’t keep a cool head. At least you weren’t injured beyond repair in the crash, and at least you have your mind about you. You take a few deep breaths, and [[your heartrate steadily returns to a reasonable pace.->2.3]]

You let out a strangled cry, then clamp your hands over your mouth – you idiot, what if that strange man hears you and thinks you’re a lunatic? Thoughts careen through your head of how you'll have to make do here forever, you might never see your family again, you've never heard of people getting stuck off-map. You bite back tears. Your heart seems to shudder through your entire body, loud in your ears. [[Your head throbs. All this stress can't be good for your concussion.->2.3]]

You run over the pieces of a plan. Today, you will find a way home. You will find where you crashed your ship. You will do repairs, or find someone who knows how. You will get home, and this nightmare will be over. You wonder what your family must be thinking, if you’re going to be fired at work for disappearing, whether this has ever happened before, and why you’ve never heard of travelers not coming back. You have trouble keeping focused on one train of thought for very long. You hear the stranger's voice from another room. (colour: orange)["$player, are you awake? I made breakfast!"] [[Well, you suppose you should go have some breakfast.->2.4]]

You drag yourself across the room, expecting a door on the other side. But once you get there, all you see is a smooth wall made of that same not-metal. No door. No cracks. You run your hands along that dreadful cold again, to no avail. [[You shouldn’t have trusted that alien man, Calix. He’s trapped you in a cage, and he’s toying with you; you had no reason to think this species would be reasonable!->2.5]] [[Doors exist in this world, right? You saw doors yesterday in the hospital. Did you?->2.5]]

You are startled out of your panic by a sudden beeping sound. The wall disappears around you, leaving you face to face with a shockingly normal kitchen. Calix stands before you in an apron. Steam rises from what looks like a pan on the stove. [[Good, breakfast. Something familiar.->2.6]]

(colour: orange)[“There you are!”] he says. (colour: orange)[“Come on, sit down. I thought you’d never wake up. You need food to get your strength back.”] He motions to a couple seats hovering a few inches off the ground. They look unstable. [["Um, good morning. Thanks for cooking."->2.6.1]] [["Why the hell isn’t there a door in my room? Are you keeping me prisoner?"->2.6.2]]

(color: orange)[“Yeah, of course. What else would I do, hold you prisoner and starve you to death?”] You stare at him open-mouthed. He tilts his head to the side and gazes at you incredulously. (colour: orange)[“That was a joke. I guess maybe dark jokes aren’t the best first thing in the morning, huh?”] [[You laugh nervously.->2.7]]

The man’s eyes go wide, and he nearly drops the plate he’s carrying to you. (colour: orange)[“Whoa, the doctor said you had a concussion… do concussed people act paranoid?”] He pauses for a moment, then says, (colour: orange)["That was insensitive. I'm sorry. I guess you caught me off guard... you're probably smart to worry about a stranger who invited you into his home. Kinda like how I'm still not entirely sure about you."] [[He tries to mask the confession with a friendly smile.->2.7]]

You sit down gingerly, and Calix places food in front of you. You look down at the plate, and find slimy purple goo. Steam rises from the goo. There is no fork. Your chair begins shaking, nearly throwing you onto the floor. You shriek in surprise, fighting to keep your balance. (colour: orange)[“Great, huh? Those are all the rage now. They’re supposed to help with digestion. A healthy body keeps a healthy mind, and all that.”] You nod weakly. “They’re very nice.” A thin, pink tube extends from between Calix’s lips, sucking up the goo. He stops and swallows. “Not hungry?” Not wanting to disappoint him, you lower your face to the plate and lap up the goo with your tongue. You find it disgusting, and try very hard not to display your reaction on your face. Soon, goo coats your lips and the tip of your nose. It’s sticky and smells like burnt rubber. He frowns. (colour: orange)[“Why are you eating like that?”] “Well…” you begin to respond... [["I’m actually a human from Earth. We eat differently."->2.7.1]] [["Why are you eating like that?"->2.7.2]]

(colour: orange)[“Huh. That’s really interesting.”] He inhales another tubeful of goo. You let out a breath you'd been holding, and tension evaporates from your body. You give him a big, grateful smile. Unlike the doctors yesterday, you can talk to this man. “I’m actually really frightened,” you confess. “I miss home, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back--" (colour: orange)[“So you’re a creative type."] “Excuse me?” you ask, not following. (colour: orange)[“Humans are like those creatures from the conspiracy theories, right? I knew some people who believed in humans. I guess it would make sense that we’re not the only life out there. But all the stuff about pockets in time-space seems a little out there.”] He pauses, and then says more slowly, (colour: orange)[“Wait, are you pretending you’re a human, or do you think you really are one?”] [[Persist.->2.7.1.2]] [[Leave it alone.->2.8]]

“You’re scaring me a little,” you tell him honestly. (colour: orange)[“What do you mean? I’m just eating.” He shifts in his seat uncomfortably.] "I'm just saying, it looks a little strange. Do you have a fork?" you ask. (colour: orange)[“A fork? What the heck is that? Can you just eat like a normal person? You’re getting food all over your face."] You fall silent, wiping your mouth on your arm. [[He doesn’t talk to you for the rest of breakfast.->2.8]]

After breakfast, Calix drives you back to the hosptial for your therapy appointment. You look out the window as you go, and the people are all just as silent as yesterday. Even families aren't speaking with each other. Yet most everyone is smiling, so it doesn't look like they are upset. [[You ponder this until you go inside.->2.9]]

“I’m serious,” you persist, your voice wavering. “I’m not from here. Nobody at the hospital believed me, but I need you to. I hurt my head because my ship crashed… I’m going to go look for it today.” (colour: orange)[“Ah. Your ship! Is that what you call your auto? That’s pretty cool. Alright, my new ‘human’ friend.” He winks. “I bet if you were in an accident, the police took your vehicle. I can give you directions to the station.”] You nod, suddenly disinterested in maintaining conversation. Calix prattles on about how fascinating he finds the concept of humans, and whether or not they probably exist. Despite his excited speech, he appears worried. [[Your heart sinks.->2.8]]

The therapist's office slides open, revealing an older woman in a chair behind a desk. An armchair sits empty in front of her. You take a seat. "Good moring, $player. How are you? [["Fine, thank you."->2.9.1]] [["Not good. I don't understand where I am."->2.9.2]] (set: $honesty to 0)

"That's good to hear." You don't find her smile particularly reassuring. She stares at you, as if trying to stare into you, her face reminding you of the doctor in the hospital. You avoid that awful stare by looking away. You glance up at the walls, which are covered in diplomas and certificates. [[She nods in your direction and scriblles a few notes on a clipboard.->2.10]]

"I'm scared and upset. I don't know where I am. I want to go home." "Didn't the hospital explain? This is the office for psychiatric evaluation." "I know. I mean, I don't know where I am in general." The therapist nods and scribbles a few notes in her notepad. She then looks up at you and stares intently, as if trying to stare through you. Her gaze reminds you of the doctor from the hospital. You smile back at her, hoping she says something soon. She eventually breaks the silence. "One can feel feelings of disorientation following an accident. Do you suffer any other memory loss?" "I don't think so." "What about flashbacks to the accident? A sense of being in a different world than everyone else?" "No the first one, yes to the second one." [[She nods.->2.10]]

"So, $player, the hospital reccommended you come see me. Can you tell me more about what happened?" she asks. [[Tell the truth.->2.10.1]] [[Leave out some details.->2.10.2]]

"Well, I was traveling through dimensions like usual, when something went wrong with my ship. I crashed here. A stranger named Calix found me and took me to the hospital. The doctor said I have a concussion, but I think he thought I was crazy..." "Crazy, how so?" "Like... he didn't believe me." "You said you were traveling through dimensions. Can you tell me more about that?" "I was just going along the governmentally approved map, I swear. Nothing off-road. I couldn't if I tried, anyway. [[The ship just went haywire."->2.10.1.1]] (set:$honesty to ($honesty + 1))

You fold your hands in your lap. "I was in an accident. They say I have a concussion." "What kind of accident?" "Just a regular accident," you say, shrugging your shoulders. "I, uh, don't remember everything." She nods and says softly, "Alright, you don't have to tell me everything now. But if you want me to help you, [[you have to be honest with me."->2.11]]

"Is there anything else you want to know?" you ask. "I'd like to ask you some questions, if that's alright. Remember, anything you tell me stays in this room, unless you are a threat to yourself or someone else." "Okay." Instead of asking another question out loud, she stares into your eyes, a look of deep concentration on her face. Her smile reminds you of the silent people you keep seeing everywhere else. You sit like that for a few moments. The look on her face reminds you of how one would look at an injured child, with both pity and horror. Her expression quickly fades back to neutral. She makes another note, and speaks again. "How long have you been experiencing difficulty with your internal receptor?" [["My what?"->2.12]]

She speaks slowly. "Perhaps not all parents teach the technical term. You know, when I reach out with my mind, and you accept my words with your mind?" You scrunch your face, not sure what to do. She looks at you expectantly. [["I do not have one of those."->2.12.1]] [["Right, my internal receptor. I think it's the concussion."->2.12.2]]

"Tell me more," she encourages. "That's just it," you respond. "I don't have one. I don't know what you mean by reaching out with your mind. I don't know how to accept it into my mind. I don't know what that means." "How long have you... not had one? "I've never had one," you answer honestly. "I don't really understand what they are." She casts a sympathetic look and responds, "Sometimes, if you've had trouble connecting to people throughout your life, it may seem like you've never had an internal receptor. But they work differently in everyone. Tell me more about what you mean by having never had one?" [["It means exactly what it sounds like." ->2.14]] (set:$honesty to ($honesty + 1))

An expression of sadness crosses her features."I've heard of this happening in concussed patients before, though it shouldn't last long. Are you having any other major symptoms?" "I had a headache yesterday. I feel much better now." "I see. Any light sensitivity?" "No, none." "The doctor noted that you only had a mild concussion, which shouldn't offset the internal receptor." Her eyes narrow in suspicion. [["I, uh, guess I'm a special case."->2.14]]

The therapist sets down her notes. "I'm glad you came to see me, $player. I have some next steps for you, if that's alright." "Sure." (if:$honesty is 2)["I'd like to prescribe you something for the depression, and an antipsychotic. This may be difficult to hear, but I believe you are suffering from delusions. I'd also like to try some breathing exercises."] (if:$honesty is 1)["I'd like you to try a medication that's often helpful with restoring internal reception. There are also some breathing exercises I think you'd find helpful."] (if:$honesty is 0)["You don't seem ready to open up today. Remember, I am not here to judge you, only to help you. For now, I'd like you to try a medication that could help with your internal communication difficulties. I would also like to guide you through some breathing exercises."] You blink a few times, unsure how to process this abrupt diagnosis. You feel as if she hardly asked anything, and focused far too long on things you did not understand. But before you can ask any questions, the therapist begins leading you through a breathing exercise. You breathe together for a few moments, [[which she tells you to repeat whenever you feel worried.->2.15]]

Universes with doppelgangers are illegal to travel to, lest you upset their timeline along with your own. If doppelgangers are found in any approved travel destination, the route is immediately shut down and all travellers are evacuated, sometimes by force. [[Back->INTRO]]

You see swirling colors.(click-replace:"see swirling colors")[see shapes changing around you](click-replace:"see shapes changing around you")[hear something like screaming](click-replace:"hear something like screaming")[[[then hear silence->1.5]]]

You open your eyes, finding yourself face to face with a woman. (click-append: "woman.")[ You register from her lab coat and stethoscope that this woman is a doctor. Panicking a little, you scrutinize her features. She looks like a regular human.] (click-append: "regular human.")[ Maybe you crashed right back where you started. You crane your neck to survey the room, which looks like a regular hospital room.] (click-append: "regular hospital room.")[ The doctor stares at you intently, looking concerned, but saying nothing. Maybe you should ask a question. [["Where am I?"->1.5.1]] [["What happened?"->1.5.1]]]

The doctor continues staring at you silently. Her eyes bore into yours, and her face grows uncomfortably close. "Did you hear me?" you ask. [["Is there something wrong?"->1.6]]

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Finally, after what seems like minutes, the doctor opens her mouth and speaks. (color: gray)["You're lucky your friend brought you in."] Now it's your turn to stare silently. She continues, (color: gray)["We'll have to keep an eye on your head injury. It seems... serious."] You realize your throat is painfully dry. You manage to croak out another question. [["What friend?"->1.6.1]] [["What head injury?"->1.6.1]]

Instead of answering you, the doctor abruptly turns on her heel and exits the room. You hear her clicking footsteps fade down the hall, until you hear nothing at all. After a moment, you catch the sound of her voice, followed by that of someone else. The voices rise and fall, starting and stopping, interspersed with long silences. You cannot make out their words. You gingerly sit up, the machines next to you beeping wildly as you do so. You look down and see an IV in your left arm, pumping clear liquid into your veins. You touch your head, and feel a thick layer of gauze. Your head feels tender, and your touch sends a throbbing headache through your forehead. You squeeze your eyes shut for a moment before surveying the rest of the room. You see... [[Some posters.->Posters]] [[A clipboard.->Clipboard]] [[A brochure.->Brochure]] [[Done->1.7]]

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In... (click-replace:"In...")[Out...] (click-replace:"Out...")[Focus on your diaphragm...] (click-replace:"Focus on your diaphragm...")[Remember that you are safe...] (click-replace:"Remember that you are safe...")[Remember that you are healthy...] (click-replace:"Remember that you are healthy...")[Repeat. [[This isn't helping.->2.16]]]

As you listen to the therapist guide you through the breathing exercise, you can't help but think you aren't really safe. You are in a foreign place with no way of getting home. And with your head injury, you are not particularly healthy, either. On top of this, you've just been told you aren't psychologically sound. You aren't sure if you agree with the latter, but she's a professional, and maybe something awful did happen to your head when you crashed. Maybe you are delusional. You certainly know that, internal receptor or not, you're having trouble getting anything meaningfully across. [[You wait quietly until she hands you the prescription.->2.17]]

You keep your head down as you walk to the pharmacy. You realize you have no idea which direction to go. You keep trying to stop people for directions, but they breeze past as if they don't hear you - or as if asking for directions is some kind of criminal offense. You're getting sick of looking into all those silent faces. You realize now they're communicating with each other like that, through their internal receptors or whatever. They might even be communicating things about you, or to you. [[This makes you nervous.->2.18]]

While thinking about how nervous you are, one of the strangers approaches you. Her dark hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in a month, and her eyes rest above dark circles. "Hey," she asks, getting your attention. "I couldn't help but notice..." "Notice what?" you ask as she trails off. She grins and shakes her head, as if in disbelief. "You're as blank as I am." [["What's that supposed to mean?" -> 2.19]] [["Um... thanks?" -> 2.19]]

Throughout this game, you will make choices that determine your fate. Click the links within text to explore the world and make choices. [[Back->Title Page]]

The posters display happy patients with a mannequin-like demeanor, much like posters you're used to seeing in hospitals. One of them reads, 'Check your internal receptor today!' You have no idea what that means. [[Back.->1.6.1]]

The doctor left her clipboard on the countertop. Moving your IV machine with you, you gingerly step out of bed and inch toward it. You keep your ears peeled in case she comes back. You figure you can say you were going to find the bathroom. You peer at the messy handwriting on the clipboard, and read two notes. One says 'possible concussion,' and the other says, 'psychiatric evaluation needed.' You hastily climb back into the bed. [[Back.->1.6.1]]

You spot a brightly colored brochure propped up on the counter. From afar, you see smiling faces with eyes closed. The cover reads, 'AGTS Medical Center.' You have no idea what those letters stand for. You've never heard of this medical center. [[Back.->1.6.1]]

You lay in bed and stare up at the cracks in the ceiling. You think about what the doctor told you, and struggle to remember. Perhaps you crashed and a friend found you. [[You wonder who it could have been.->1.8]]

By the next morning in Calix's place, you've figurred out how to open the not-doors on your own. You'd still much rather be back home. You wake up feeling as though a heavy weight has nestled inside your ribcage. You aren't sure whether you want to cry or sleep forever. Nonetheless, you force yourself up. Maybe today will be the day you find your ship. You join Calix for breakfast, and try again with great difficulty to eat the sludge he's offered. You realize if you don't eat you'll starve, and you don't have other options. Once he finishes slurping, he says cheerily, (color: gray)["Sorry, I keep forgetting to speak with physical words. It's kinda weird, you know. But I'm happy to do it for you 'til you get better."] "What if this is just how I am?" you ask. (color: gray)["That's no way to talk!"] he exclaims. (color: gray)["Don't be so hard on yourself. You seem so normal on the outside. You don't seem like one of those really broken people, you know?"] You think back to Echo, and [[wonder if he'd think she was broken.->3.2]]

Her eyes widen. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that! Just that I've never met anyone else without an internal receptor before. I always thought it was just me." You stumble over your words, trying hard to keep your jaw from falling slack in shock. "You... you're like me?" "Yeah, I think so. I saw you asking for directions. That was brave - you open your mouth for something simple, and everyone assumes you're a freak. I'm honestly a little nervous to be seen having this kind of conversation in public with you." [["Why is everyone so weird about speaking out loud?" -> 2.19.1]] [["Maybe we should go somewhere more private." -> 2.19.2]]

She shrugs. "I don't know about you, but my family was always big on only using your physical words when it was really important. It's either about not upsetting the peace of the environment, or about making sure that when you really need to be heard, you always will be. I used to think all that stuff was important..." [["Did something happen?" -> 2.20]]

She takes a couple steps back. "Are you... hitting on me?" she asks. Blood wells up in your cheeks. "No! No. I just thought, you know, if you were embarrassed to talk in public, maybe we should go somewhere else..." She laughs at your awkward reaction. "I get it. Nah, I don't mind so much anymore. I used to really buy into how physical words should only be used for emergencies or emotional crises, but it's not like I really have a choice anymore." [["Did something happen?" -> 2.20]]

She shifts her weight back and forth on her feet. You notice her shoes are badly scuffed. "I mean, I'm not gonna tell you my whole life story in this hallway where everybody can hear. I don't even know anything about you yet." [[Tell the truth. -> 2.20.1]] [[Tell her there's nothing wrong with you. -> 2.20.2]]

As the truth finds its way to your tongue yet again, you're afraid she'll laugh you off or decide you're crazier than she is. And she must really be crazy, if she's one of them and her communication thing really doesn't work. But despite your fears, you give her a chance anyway. After your story, she reaches out to hug you. You gratefully accept the first affectionate contact you've recieved since you crashed. "That's so horrible," she murmurs into your shoulder. "I've never met a traveler from someplace that far away." She pulls away, but continues gazing sympathetically at you. You ask, "I heard people around here don't think interdimensional travel is real, though?" "Maybe. I choose to keep an open mind. It means I get to learn something when I meet people like you." [[You smile. A rush of joy fills your chest, shaking you from the constant dread you've been under. -> 2.21]]

You shrug nonchalantly, not particularly wanting to get into the details with yet another person. There was no use, and you figure she's only going to not believe you. "Well," you start, making something up as you go, "I was..." you search for words your therapist used, "... traumatized. Yes. I was in an, um, accident. But I'm supposed to be fine in a little bit." Her face falls. "Oh. I mean, that's great, that's wonderful! I had my hopes up a little I'd get to bond with you over... being in it for life." [[You nod supportively, suddenly feeling a lot more alone yourself. -> 2.21]]

"Are you heading to the pharmacy?" she asks. You tell her yes, and you ask for directions. "I'll walk you there," she responds. She motions for you to follow her down an empty hallway. Once out of earshot, she leans close and says, "But between you and me, the medicine's a joke. I've been on three different medications. They all did something - they made me sleepy, made me gain weight, whatever. But not one let me use my internal receptor again." You show her the prescription from your doctor and ask what she thinks. "That shit? I've been on that before. I think it made me worse." "Should I not go to the pharmacy?" you ask. You weren't sure whether you'd planned on taking the medication, but you realize you'd been considering it. She shakes her head. "No way. These doctors don't get us. They can't, because we can't really communicate purely with them from the inside like everybody else. [[People like you and me have to stick together." -> 2.22]]

You are so engrossed in her honesty that you hardly notice you've reached the pharmacy. You're a little sad when she moves to leave. "Don't take any of that garbage. Come talk to me instead - I know what this is like, and maybe we can help each other out." "How do I find you again?" you ask. "I'm here every Tuesday at four for my appointment. I just go to keep my family happy at this point. Come find me again next week, okay? Oh, and my name's Echo." "I'm $player," you tell her. She waves and turns around, heading back down the hall where you both came from. You stare hard at the pharmacy doors. [[Get the prescription filled. -> 2.22.1]] [[Don't. -> 2.22.2]]

You step into the pharmacy, saddened by how quiet everything is after Echo's departure. You figure you should at least pick up the medication. You can choose whether or not to take it later. Calix finds you outside the pharmacy. He sees the paper bag in your hand and lights up. He whispers in your ear, (color: gray)["I don't wanna use my voice casually in public, but I've been looking for you. C'mon, get in the car so we can talk!"] Once you're driving, he asks how your session went. You show him the little bottle, and struggle to pronounce the name of the drug. He tells you he's proud of you for taking steps to get healthy again. He tells you a story about his depressed cousin, who wound up on that very same medication. Apparently, it was life changing in a good way. You arrive back at his place in no time. [[You put the bottle on a table in the guest room. ->3.1]]

Back at Calix's home, he spies the unfilled prescription. You'd carelessly left it out in the guest room. He tells you he's hurt. He thought your session had gone well, but this is making it look like you don't really want to get better. He tells you his trust in you has been damaged. Without giving you a chance to explain, he leaves you to go be by himself. The next morning, you wake up to see a little pill bottle next to your bed. Next to the bottle, you find a [[note. -> 2.22.2.1]]

The note reads: '$player, I know you don't want to take the meds, but trust me, they're going to help you. I went and got your prescription filled. See you when you get up! Calix' [[You put down the note and sigh. You figure he meant well. ->3.1]]

You watch her scrawl frantically in her notepad as you speak. Her hand slips and the papers fall to the ground. Before she quickly scoops them back up, you make out the words, 'possible psychosis.' [[Great. ->2.11]]

The doctor steps back into the room. She stops at the threshold and meets your eyes. (click: "meets your eyes.")[Like before, she simply stares. She begins with her mouth upturned in a friendly, sterile smile. [[Stare back and wait for her to do something.->1.8.1]] [[Take intiative and ask a question.->1.8.2]] ]

You tentatively smile back, waiting for her to say something. She remains silent. A look of deep concern colors her features. Her smile fades into a perplexed frown. [[Keep staring back.->1.8.1.2]]

"So," you say awkwardly, your voice cracking from disuse and dryness, "How long will I stay here?" The docftor takes another few seconds without saying a word. Her smile droops into a perplexed frown. You crack a friendly smile yourself in an attempt to diffuse the tension. Finally, she responds, (color: gray)["You should be able to go home tonight. Your friend will be looking after you. He's here to see you."] [[The door opens.->1.9]]

It's been a few minutes now. This is getting uncomfortable. Finally, she breaks the silence and says stiffly, (color: gray)["You have a visitor."] [[The door opens.->1.9]]

In steps a man of medium stature, wearing athleltic pants with a tailored blazer. This combination should absolutely seem eccentric, but on him it appears effortless. You do not think you have ever seen him before. His eyes light up when he sees you. He drags the doctor's chair to your bedside and sits beside you. "$player!" he exclaims. "You look a lot better. I bet you're excited to get out of this hospital room, huh?" "Uh," you start, trailing off, [[trying to place him.->1.10]]

The doctor moves to leave. She looks at the man, and they both nod. She then turns to you and says, (color:gray)["I'll leave you and Calix alone for a bit, and then I'll be back with your test results."] Calix. [[You suddenly know where you've heard that odd name before.->1.11]]

You remmeber rising from the rubble of your ship. You remember your head aching. You remember reaching up to brush your hair from your eyes and your hands returning sticky with blood. (click: "sticky with blood.")[You remember stumbling through the streets, hoping desperately that you'd landed back in your world. You will the storefronts and buildings to look familiar. You will your own street corner to appear.] (click: "You will your own street corner to appear.")[As you grow more and more lost, you only have a couple options. You can... [[Ask for help.->1.11.1]] [[Keep searching.->1.11.2]]]

You stumble up to a stranger and say, "Excuse me, what street is this? Where am I?" The stranger stares at you for a moment, an initially open face turning incredulous and shocked after a couple seconds. The stranger soon turns away and keeps walking without a response. You must look frightening with blood all over your head. [[But you try flagging down a few more people, and they all respond the same way.->1.12]]

You walk through residential blocks that seem so familiar, yet utterly strange to you. Despite the sun indicating the early afternoon, and despite people you see milling about, the streets are entirely silent. Even the children don't make a sound. [[You keep walking.->1.12]]

After a while walking, you grow short of breath and dizzy. You sit down on the curb. You take some deep breaths so you don't pass out. Panic curls in your belly, and you try hard to swallow it down. You have a sinking suspicion you did not land back home at all. Suddenly, you feel a cold hand on your shoulder. [[You look up.->1.13]]

(color: gray)["Hey, I've been trying to ask you if you were okay for the past two blocks! My name's Calix."] You crane your neck and see a lean, sharp-jawed man wearing a blazer and track pants, offering you a dazzling smile. "I, uh, I didn't hear you, somehow," you offer feebly. You swear you did not hear anyone at all - to the contrary, the whole neighborhood seemed dead silent. You could have heard a leaf drop from a tree. You prepare to run fast in case this man is insane. He sits down next to you on the curb and says, (color: gray)["I wasn't sure what to make of it, but good thing I have a cousin who also can't use her internal receptor. I kept trying to reach out like normal, until I realized you must be like her. I have some experience looking out for people with damaged IR's."] He seems proud of himself. You have no clue what he's going on about. You... [[Ask him for help getting back to your ship.->1.13.1]] [[Get the hell away from this weirdo.->1.13.2]]

"That's kind of you," you tell him. He beams as you continue, "I'm lost and trying to get home. I was in an accident..." "Say no more!" he interrupts. "You look like you need to get to a hospital, pronto." "I, um, think I'm fine, and I'm not sure that's a good idea --" You have no idea what hospitals in this place will be like, and you worry that once you get there, you might not easily get out. "You really don't look so good," he insists. "Come on, follow me..." "Just a moment," you insist, the dizzy feeling in your head growing unbearable. You drop your head into your arms and take some deep breaths. [[The next thing you know, you've awoken in the hospital.->1.14]]

You say thanks, but no thanks. He's overeager and a little creepy. He could also be dangerous - you have no idea whether he's anything close to human, despite his exterior. Even though he casts you a look like a hurt puppy, you quickly get up and keep walking. You pick up your pace, hoping to find your ship again. Maybe it won't be too damaged, and you can press some buttons and get right back home. After a few blocks, you lose consciousness. [[The next thing you recall is waking up in the hospital.->1.14]]

From your hospital bed, you stare at the man. Clearly the man from before, whose name must be Calix. He slaps a friendly hand on your shoulder. You wince. (color: gray)["You passed out, and I practically dragged you here. You were delirious, saying things about some kinda ship, and other planets. Must have been a fever dream, huh?"] Calix asks, chuckling as if describing the antics of a child. The doctor looks at you both and says, (color: gray)["You're lucky Calix brought you in. We both agree he should keep an eye on you until your condition improves. It seems you don't remember where you're from?"] You scramble for a good answer, totally overwhelmed. (click: "totally overwhelmed.")[In that time, the doctor nods again to Calix, who exits the room. She turns to you again and says, "I just told him to wait outside. Perhaps it would be easier to talk to me alone. Do you have any other family we can call?" You decide to try... [[Telling the truth.->1.14.1]] [[Playing along.->1.14.2]]]

"Actually," you begin, hoping this woman knows something about interdimensional travel, "I crash landed in my ship. I'm from another version of Earth. Is... is this a version of Earth? It looks like it, but I don't want to assume anything." The doctor goes back to staring. Then, she says with a combination of pity and disdain, (color: gray)["...I'm afraid you've suffered a terrible ordeal, I hope sincerely you return to full functioning."] [[You shut up quickly, unsure which part she objected to.->1.15]]

You shake your head. "Um, my family and I aren't really on good terms. So there's nobody for you to contact. I live alone..." You feel silly concocting this story, and you hope she buys it and lets you go. (color: gray)["I'm sorry to hear that. Have you had your... condition for a long time? As a medical doctor, I'm not familiar with IR difficulty, but I've heard of it tearing apart families."] "Um," you say, struggling to improvise, "I guess I've always been this way." She nods sympathetically. She looks sad, as if you've just told her you were born without a leg. She reaches into her pocket and produces a business card, which she presses into your hand. (color: gray)["If you need anything, send me an electronic message. I think you are very brave."] You curl your fingers around the card and thank her. (color: gray)["May I ask you something sensitive, $player?"] [[You nod, strangely empowered by the effectiveness of your lies.->1.15]]

The doctor sits beside you and says softly, (color: gray)["No one has recovered the site of your... accident, $player."] "Oh," you say. Maybe that's good. Maybe that means your ship has been left alone. You don't remember how to get back, but at least you can get to it before these people do. You smile a little. (click: "You smile a little.")[(color: gray)["This level of internal receptor damage is only seen in people with severe depression or trauma. Now, I know you must be afraid, but my next question is of vital importance..."] You wait.] (click: "You wait.")[(color: gray)["I need to know... did you try to hurt yourself, $player?"] You immediately shake your head. You're offended she suggested such a thing. (color: gray)["Either way, I'd like you to go home with your friend Calix, and have him keep an eye on you. We're discharging you under the assumption you'll return tomorrow for a psych eval. Do you understand?"] You nod numbly. [[It appeaers you don't have a choice.->1.16]] ]

As you are led down the cold, tiled halls of the hospital, the utter silence around you engulfs you as if you are underwater. Every so often, you hear a patient crying or moaning in pain, and watch a doctor rush to them. There are no words exchanged. You emerge into a parking lot, where Calix takes you to his car. The engine revs, and you are grateful for the noise. You deliberate what to say. [["So, how about we just forget the doctor's orders and you let me out?"->1.16.1]] [["Thanks for all this. It was really good of you to rescue me."->1.16.2]]

Maybe the direct approach will work. "So," you begin, "Thanks for trying to save my life and all, but I imagine you have places to be and other things to do. I'll just be on my way now..." Calix gently takes your arm and shakes his head. (color: gray)["I'm sorry, $player, but doctor's ordedrs. I said I'd watch out for you 'til the psych says you're healthy again, and I'm a man of my word."] "What if I don't agree?" you venture defiantly, a lump rising in your throat. "You can't make me go with you." He frowns and scratches his head. (color: gray)["I mean, you could go, but I really don't think it's a good idea. You don't even remember where your house is. You could get hurt."] You have a couple options... [[Run away as fast as you can.->1.16.1.2]] [[Sigh and acquiesce.->1.17]]

He shrugs with what feels like false humility. (color: gray)["Not just anybody would have known your situation. I had to do something. People with your kind of difficulty slip through the cracks all the time, you know?"] You don't say anything. He backs out of the lot and drives through the neighborhood, chattering away about his life. [[You listen.->1.17]]

As the days drag on, you find yourself speaking to Calix less and less. You spend a lot of time in bed, gazing up at the ceiling. You try recalling as much of home as you can. The tastes of food, the feeling of your friend's hand on your shoulder. You cling to your memories, because you feel they are real, despite what everyone is telling you. You dread going to the therapist now. But since you still need that clean bill of health, you go. Finding your ship again will be the only way to prove to yourself that you are not insane. It's time for another therapy appointment again. Maybe this time, you'll actually figure out what you're supposed to say.

You greet your new doctor with a tentative handshake.

You unlock the car door from the inside and jump out before he's begun driving. You break into a run, sprinting away from Calix as fast as you can. He initially starts after you, but gives up quickly. Good. You make it a couple blocks from the hospital before you stop, winded. You wander for what feels like hours, trying to recover your ship. (click: "wander")[The sun goes down. You stop on a park bench. You are cold and shivering in a quiet world. You are no closer to any answers, and your feet hurt from searching. You go to sleep.] (click: "You go to sleep.")[Days pass. You are now a homeless vagrant of this world. You try to tell your story to passers by, and they quicken their pace. They seem to accept you more when you stay silent. But then you feel so alone. [[Maybe you should have made different choices.->Title Page]]]

(color: gray)["Wow, it's so crazy using my emergency voice instead of transmitting with you. I feel like I'm doing something wrong!"] "You really never use your speaking voice?" you ask. (click: "you ask.")[He thinks for a moment and says, (color: gray)["A couple years ago, I got really depressed when my girlfriend dumped me. I remember once, I got so desperate, that I actually opened my mouth and spoke when I told her I missed her. It was like my IR wasn't an option for me anymore - it didn't make emotional sense, because I was just, like, nothing matters. So I totally get what it must be like for you."] [[Insist that you have no idea what he's going on about.->1.17.1]] [[Pretend you totally get what he's saying.->1.17.2]] ]

"Um, actually, you're pretty off base --" you start to say. He immediately interrupts you. (color: gray)["Ah, yeah, I don't wanna assume I know what it's been like for you. I can't even imagine growing up not knowing what everybody around me was saying."] Defeated, you [[lean back in the seat->1.18]] as this stranger invents a new identity for you.

"Right, sure," you say. Correcting him at this point seems exhausting. Maybe you'll try to explain tomorrow. For now, you lean back in the seat and let him come up with whatever he wants about you. Instead, you retreat into your own thoughts. You're learning some things about where you've wound up. These creatures look human, but they're not. Whatever this "internal receptor" is might only be the beginning of the differences between you. You wonder how much pretending you'll need to do in order for Calix to leave you alone. [[You hope you don't make a wrong move.->1.18]]

When you arrive at his apartment, he leads you into a guest bedroom. The doors slide open and shut. You follow numbly, hardly paying attention, focused on your own panic. He leaves a bottle of pills from the hospital, which you don't take. Exhausted, you soon [[fall into a fitful sleep.->2.1]]

After gagging on another slurp of goo, you mention tentatively, "I met one of the therapist's other patients yesterday." (color: gray)["Huh. What was that like?"] You tell him... [["She was way crazier than me."->3.2.1]] [["I think we have a lot in common."->3.2.2]]

Your heart twinges uncomfortably as you speak, but you wonder if you can turn this interaction to your advantage. Maybe if Calix thinks you're less crazy than the other patients, he'll cut you some slack. "She went through a ton of medication and nothing worked. She looked like she didn't take very good care of herself." (color: gray)["Yeah, I don't really think of you as a usual crazy person. You say some weird things, and I guess you're depressed, but you feel normal to me,"] he says. (color: gray)["I'm glad you're not like her. You're gonna get better really soon, I bet."] You think maybe that was helpful, but you feel like you betrayed your new ally. You finish eating quickly and [[go back to the guest room.->3.3]]

"She was interesting," you tell him. "She also has internal receptor problems. I guess she's been in therapy for awhile, and nothing's worked." (color: gray)["Maybe it's not a good idea for you two to talk..."] he murmurs. You ask him what he means by that. (color: gray)["Well, I'm worried she'll have a bad effect on your healing. Bad energy, you know? Maybe you shouldn't talk to her much. You want to stay positive about treatment."] You finish eating quickly and [[retreat back to the guest room.->3.3]]

Since you don't have therapy today, you have a few options. You can... [[Sneak out and find your ship.->3.3.1]] [[Try the psych meds.->3.3.2]] [[Think about your situation.->3.3.3]] [[Finish with these options.->3.4]]

You try prying open the windows, but the glass doesn't feel like glass, and the panes are fused in place. Next, you open the not-doors and tiptoe down the hall. You peer around, and Calix is nowhere in sight. You see a clear line to the front door, and you make a run for it. (click: "you make a run for it.")[You hardly manage a few paces before Calix emerges from his room. He startles when he sees you. (color: gray)["Hey, $player, do you need something?"] "I was hoping I could go take a walk," you tell him. He lights up, grinning. (color: gray)["Ooh, I'd be down to take a walk! Let me go get my shoes..."] "No, never mind, I just changed my mind," you say quickly. "I'm gonna go rest some more." [[Oh, well.->3.3]] ]

Your gaze keeps drifting to the prescription bottle. You wonder if it will help at all. You do feel depressed. You're lonely. You're scared. Maybe something in these pills will help you feel better. If not, at least they'll give you something new to pass the time. You unscrew the cap and [[pop one into your mouth.->3.3.2.1]]

You pace around the small space, mulling over the past couple days. Everything you say feels so wrong here. You try to tell the truth, no one belives you. You lie, and they pity you - not even you, but their projection as if you were one of them. It would be so much easier if you could pass as one of them. They look so human, but they're nothing like you. Rather, you're nothing like them. You're in a quiet world here, where everyone understands each other in the silence except for you. Instead, it swallows you up. Even Calix looks like he's struggling. Maybe he'll run out of patience to speak your language. Maybe he'll just give you over to the hospital and let them watch you instead. You spend some time in a dark fantasy of living here forever as mentally ill, and you wonder if maybe you are mentally ill. [[You're definitely depressed by now.->3.3]]

Calix takes you walking that evening. He warns you that he won't be speaking with his voice while you're out, because it would be weird for everyone else. As you walk past shops that look too close to the ones from home, you ache to interact with the world in ways you are used to. A family passes by with a pet that looks like a dog. Instinctively, you exclaim how cute it is, and rush to say hello. The parents look at you in terrified confusion and usher their children away. Calix nudges you back toward the apartment, and later tells you that maybe going out was a bad idea. He leaves you alone in [[silence.->3.5]]

Nothing happens at first. (click: "Nothing happens at first.")[Then, you feel dizzy and nauseous. You clutch your stomach. Despite your strongest efforts, you soon vomit what little sustenance you've consumed into the trash bin. The bottom of the trash bin opens up and sucks your vomit away. At least you don't have to sit there with the smell. You curl up on the bed, your head pounding, your knees pulled tightly to your chest. You feel weak, hungry, and helpless. You wish one of your friends from home could bring you water and pull a blanket over you. You go through one of your latest thoughts that maybe you really are a delusional person from here, and you'd fabricated home. [[You wish you had someone to tell you that was crazy.->3.3]] ]