yoga

You stand alone in the ridiculously large office. Guess all this is yours now. You find a console nearby, which you use to shut off whatever was controlling everyone. You look outside your new window and you can see that it worked.\n\nNow you just have to go about the business of rebranding the entire company so that's it not blatant cultural appropriation anymore, and you should be set.\n\nYou'll also have to find an alternate power source for your new abilities. Maybe solar or something? You'll figure it out later. Right now, you need to go [[quit your job|credits]].

You take the elevator to the tenth floor. You see a long, dramatic hallway with an office at the end. There is a man there. "I figured someone would come up here and try to stop me," he says, "someone always does. Well then, show me what kind of yoga you've got."\n\n<<if $user is "admin" and $pass is "IAMTHEBEST">>"I'm not here to stop you," you say, "because I already have."\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n"I'm the boss now, loser."\nYou [[unleash]] hell on him.\n<<else>>"I'm not here to do yoga," you say, "in fact, I'm not sure you even know what yoga is. I was expecting some low-level cultural appropriation, but this is just absurd."\n\nHe laughs. "Then how do you expect to defeat me?"\nYou [[answer]] him.\n<<endif>>

You approach the chairs, and then think about the name of the floor.\n\nBut the chairs look really comfy...\n\nBut the chairs are probably bad...\n\nUhhhhhh ok [[maybe not|previous()]].

Your body starts to crumple. You feel like you're being slowly smashed into a tighter and tighter ball. You can no longer deliver a slappy one-liner about revenge or cursing him.\n\nWell, you gave it your best shot. Unfortunately, you're going to die. Fortunately, you won't have to witness the world be taken over by extradimensional sorcery labeled as yoga.\n[[Could be worse|credits]].

<<timer>>You come across the fourth wave of the yoga-brainwashed, and you actually get scared. They look downright violent, ready to kill. But they haven't noticed you yet.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $four>>\n[[YOGA!|4done]]

You notice the signs slowly<<continue "...">>.\n\nThe giant yoga studio ''BLISS TREE YOGA'' opens in your town, and people flock to it<<continue "...">>.\n\nWomen start to wear leggings which are deemed "yoga pants"<<continue "...">>.\nMen quickly make porn about the pants[[...|intro1]]

<<if $three is "GRAVE ROBBER">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, flipping over and doing some sort of complicated handstand. As the ''<<$three>>'', you look like you're ready to dig beneath the ground. After all, it's your job to steal and rob graves. \nTime to [[keep moving|lvl4]].\n<<elseif $three is 'grave robber'>><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, flipping over and doing some sort of complicated handstand. As the ''<<$three>>'', you look like you're ready to dig beneath the ground. After all, it's your job to steal and rob graves. \nTime to [[keep moving|lvl4]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You were really starting to get the hang of this too! What a shame. You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

You realize the computer has a login screen, and you don't know the password. You take a look around, and notice a sticky note that says "user:''admin'' pass:''IAMTHEBEST''" which is probably a good clue.\n\nUSERNAME:<<textinput $user>>\nPASSWORD:<<textinput $pass>>\n[[LOGIN]]

You take the elevator to the second floor. Surprisingly, it looks like a completely normal place to work out. Or at least you suppose it does. You don't really work out much.\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''BEGINNER'S TRAINING''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<timer>>You're now approaching the third wave of people. They look tired but also something else. Some sinister look, like you've never seen before. Also maybe horny.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $three>>\n[[YOGA!|3done]]

You take the elevator to the third floor. Instead of normal workout equpiment or yoga mats, you see strange vats of steaming liquid. It's green and it smells. You should probably just move on.\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''LEGS AND GLUTES''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<if $user is "admin" and $pass is "IAMTHEBEST">>You did it! You have full acces. You look at some of the company's files. They seem very odd and disorganized. There's literally just a text document saying, "The Boss owns everything." You edit the document so instead it says that //you// own everything. You wonder if that's really how businesses work. Probably not, but is this really a business? You [[head back|ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]].\n<<else>>How did you mess that up? It was literally written down for you! Go [[try again|previous()]].<<endif>>

You head through the closest door, and you're suddenly in the same room? Except no, it's not the same room, just really similar. But this one is full of people! And they're running towards you! Ok, maybe time to [[go back|previous()]] through that door!

You take too long trying to make it through the yoga mob, and soon you can see hoards of other yoga-infected people headed straight for you. You turn around and see even more of them. They're coming from all directions. There's no way out. Your body is ripped to shreds.\n[[Too bad.|begin]]

<<continue "You don't have much time.">>@@font-size: 50px;[[Save yourself from the Yoga Onslaught|begin]]@@\n<<set $one to 0>><<set $two to 0>><<set $three to 0>><<set $four to 0>><<set $five to 0>><<set $six to 0>><<set $seven to 0>>

You take the elevator to the fourth floor. You see numerous doors lining the walls, all labeled in foreign languages that you don't recognize. You could [[try one.]]\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<if $two is "MONKEY PAW">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, standing on one leg, and twisting your remaining three appendages so that you're channeling the dead, dried essance of the ''<<$two>>''. It worked! You couldn't //wish// for a better outcome. Also this definitely isn't yoga. \nWhatever, you need to [[keep moving|lvl3]].\n<<elseif $two is "monkey paw">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, standing on one leg, and twisting your remaining three appendages so that you're channeling the dead, dried essance of the ''<<$two>>''. It worked! You couldn't //wish// for a better outcome. Also this definitely isn't yoga. \nWhatever, you need to [[keep moving|lvl3]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You barely even started and you failed already! You really weren't cut out for this. You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

<<if $one is "TINY HORSE">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, bending over sort of and trying your best to embody the ''<<$one>>''. It seems to work, these people are totally out of it. You never thought yoga would //stirrup// this much trouble!\n[[Keep going.|lvl2]]\n<<elseif $one is "tiny horse">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, bending over sort of and trying your best to embody the ''<<$one>>''. It seems to work, these people are totally out of it. You never thought yoga would //stirrup// this much trouble!\n[[Keep going.|lvl2]]\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You barely even started and you failed already! You must have a really terrible memory. You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

The building seems empty, which makes sense, since all the people who might have been in it are now outside, swarming the city, converting those they can and tearing the rest into bloody pieces.\n\nYou walk over to the nearest elevator and check the list of floors:\n\nFLOOR01: ''LOBBY''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

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With your fists!\nYou rush at him, hoping to get a few good punches in before he works his strange magic, but it's no use! He contorts his body into impossible forms, and you feel yourself go flying across the room.\n\n"No mere mortal can defeat me," he says. "I am immortal, all powerful, unstoppable!" He [[laughs]].

Save Yourself from the Yoga Onslaught

You take the elevator back down to the lobby. The outside is still crawling with the zoned out yoga freaks. Nothing much else has changed.\n\nFLOOR01: ''LOBBY''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

You take the elevator to the seventh floor. You thought this was the patent office, but you only find a large generator of some sort. It's covered in a bunch of writing. You stop to read it. Seems to be some sort of legal document about the patents. Apparently, anyone who uses the moves patented by ''BLISS TREE YOGA'' are subject to fees, such as energy, both physical and spiritual. It seems that all that energy has put them under the control of the boss, and is also powering all of this strange equipment. There are a lot of warnings and other stuff, but you don't have time to read all that!\nYou could try to [[shut off the machine]].\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''PATENT OFFICE''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<set $time=140>><<timer>>\nYou find a billboard which reads:\n"Try our patented(!) "''BLISS TREE YOGA''" 7-step ''ENLIGHTENMENT LEVELS'' for focus //and// fitness!\nLVL01: ''TINY HORSE''\nLVL02: ''MONKEY PAW''\nLVL03: ''GRAVE ROBBER''\nLVL04: ''VENOMOUS LIZARD''\nLVL05: ''BALL LIGHTNING''\nLVL06: ''STRANGE ORGASM''\nLVL07: ''HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE''"\n\nThis information could be useful, but you can hear more yogafied people behind you, you should [[keep going]].

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You take the elevator to the sixth floor. There seems to be nothing here except really comfy looking chairs. You could [[sit down]] for a while.\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''BRAIN EMPTYING''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

You contort your body into a strange position you never thought you would be able to, and he goes flying across the room. He tries to counter you with a pose of his own but nothing happens, as you expected.\n\nHe roars, animalistic and angry. His skin starts to rip off, and you see a shiny black substance underneath. He isn't even human!\n\nHe charges at you, as you quickly try to assume a pose that will stop him. You get the one you want just in time, and his body starts to turn and contract. Ever so slowly, he gets crushed, tinier and tinier, until he's [[gone]].

You take the elevator to the fifth floor. The lights are dimmed, and you are surrounded by what appears to be workout equipment, except that there are far too many spikes and blades. You notice some security drones laying in one corner of the room. They beep and say "training protocol ready" every now and then.\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''ADVANCED TECHNIQUES''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

@@font-size: 50px;Save yourself from the Yoga Onslaught@@\nby [[caeth|http://caethiel.tumblr.com]] [[palmarium|https://twitter.com/palmariumeri]]\n\ninspired by the [[Video Game Name Generator|http://videogamena.me/]]

You take the elevator to the eigth floor. You seem to have found the break room and employee lockers. Seems pretty normal. You steal some soda from the break room fridge. You truly are the villain now.\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''PERSONNEL CENTER''\nFLOOR09: ''[[ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING]]''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<if $user is "admin" and $pass is "IAMTHEBEST">>Why would you want to shut off the machine? You own it now! Go [[do something else|previous()]].\n<<else>>You scour the room for some sort of controls, and finally find a small panel in one of the walls. You pry it off and there are a bunch of tiny levers and buttons. You punch it, and sparks fly out. The machine seems to still be going. You're going to need to [[find another way|previous()]] to stop this.<<endif>>

<<timer>>Just as you leave the first wave of people, you come across the second wave. They seem more despondent than the first, their poses more gnarled and tricksy. You'll have to blend in to get past them.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $two>>\n[[YOGA!|2done]]

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<<timer>>You reach the first wave of people. They look a little drained, but not too bad all things considering. You'll have to blend in to get past them.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $one>>\n[[YOGA!|1done]]

<<timer>>You move slowly towards the sixth wave of people. They seem peaceful and content and... different. It really creeps you out.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $six>>\n[[YOGA!|6done]]

<<timer>>You finally reach the last wave of people. Unlike the rest, they are all standing perfectly still. You have no idea how you're going to get past them, but you have to try.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $seven>>\n[[YOGA!|7done]]

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<<timer>>You see the fifth wave of people and are shocked. They seem to be floating above the ground. Well that's new.\n\nWhat pose do you strike?\n<<textinput $five>>\n[[YOGA!|5done]]

<<if $seven is "HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE">>You copy the movements of the people exactly, closing your eyes and contemplating your own mortality, the temporary nature of everything, the ''<<$seven>>''. When you open your eyes, you're on the other side of the crowd. You feel really drained. The doors to the yoga-centric building in front of you are propped open.\nMaybe you should [[go inside]].\n<<elseif $seven is 'heat death of the universe'>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, closing your eyes and contemplating your own mortality, the temporary nature of everything, the ''<<$seven>>''. When you open your eyes, you're on the other side of the crowd. You feel really drained. The doors to the yoga-centric building in front of you are propped open.\nMaybe you should [[go inside]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You were almost to the doors, only to be brought down before you could make it! You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

<<timer>>In the distance you see the ''BLISS TREE YOGA'' building, towering and monolithic. The fastest way out of town takes you right by it.\n\nAhead are 7 waves of people advancing on you slowly, all in different poses. You know what you have to do.\n[[Keep going|lvl1]].

<<if $six is "STRANGE ORGASM">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, wrapping your body into a pretzel shape and then shaking as if you were having a really ''<<$six>>''. Whoever made these poses up is really fucking weird. Whatever, you're almost there, better [[keep going|lvl7]].\n<<elseif $six is 'strange orgasm'>><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, wrapping your body into a pretzel shape and then shaking as if you were having a really ''<<$six>>''. Whoever made these poses up is really fucking weird. Whatever, you're almost there, better [[keep going|lvl7]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You only have one wave left, if only you'd made it! You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

<<if $four is "VENOMOUS LIZARD">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, getting low and really working your core as you skitter along the ground. You have to admit, you really do feel //venom-//enal. But you need to focus. \nYou need to keep [[moving ahead|lvl5]].\n<<elseif $four is 'venomous lizard'>><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, getting low and really working your core as you skitter along the ground. You have to admit, you really do feel //venom-//enal. But you need to focus. \nYou need to keep [[moving ahead|lvl5]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You were almost halfway there, if only you could have just done the thing. You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>

<<timedloop 1s>><<set $time -= 1>><<print $time>><<if $time < 1>><<timedgoto "death" 0s>><<endif>><<endtimedloop>> seconds until complete takeover.<hr>

"You know what will wake you up better than //that stuff//? Doing some ''YOGA'' with me!" \nHer voice sounds weird when she says the word "yoga," a mix between yelling it and straining from the effort of saying it.\n\nShe pulls you over to the living room, where she's already set out two mats. On the TV there is a fitness DVD playing.\n\n"Well come on," she says, circles under eyes, "you just //have// to [[join me|intro5]]."

You usually like your roommate, but right now she is creeping you the fuck out.\n\nYou look at the TV. There is some weird burly man talking about abs. It doesn't seem like yoga at all, but he seems to think it is. It looks more like ''WEIRD SITUPS''.\n\nYour roommate stares at you.\nWhat are you going to do?\n<<textinput $intro>>\n[[YOGA!|intro6]]

<<if $intro is "WEIRD SITUPS">>You quickly get down on the mat and start doing the ''<<print $intro>>''. It gives your abs a workout, and manages to placate your roommate. Once she sees you doing the ''<<print $intro>>'' she stares at the screen, not looking away as she continues her yoga.\n\nYou take the opportunity to [[run out the door|intro7]].\n<<elseif $intro is "weird situps">>You quickly get down on the mat and start doing the ''<<print $intro>>''. It gives your abs a workout, and manages to placate your roommate. Once she sees you doing the ''<<print $intro>>'' she stares at the screen, not looking away as she continues her yoga.\n\nYou take the opportunity to [[run out the door|intro7]].\n<<else>>You try to do whatever it is she wants you to do, but you don't quite manage it. If only you'd actually copied the movements exactly, maybe she wouldn't have mauled you like a wild animal. Maybe you wouldn't be dead and you could actually have lived a full life without yoga. [[Oh well|previous()]].<<endif>>

You head out into the streets, where everything is eerily quiet.\n\nYou see a few people outside, but they're all standing perfectly still, doing weird poses. Their gazes are empty, their cheeks hollow. It seems as if all the energy has been sucked out of them. \n\nYou slowly walk past them and suddenly they pivot, turning to face you. Their jaws crack open and they screech out raspy, basterdized "om"s.\n\nYou [[run|title]].

You see yoga mats everywhere, people slinging them over their shoulders while on the way to the studio (with the women in their yoga pants)<<continue "...">>.\n\nYou notice that on their smartphones, people have ''BLISS TREE YOGA'' apps as well, which they begin to consult far too often[[...|intro2]]\n\n

You would think that with all their yoga they would look healthy and fresh and glowing and enlightened or something but they don't<<continue "...">>.\n\nThey look sick.\n\n"Maybe it's not real yoga or something[[?|intro3]]" you think.

You wake up one morning, ready to head to your dead-end job.\n\nYou are greeted by your roommate, who stops you as you are about to pour yourself some coffee. She takes the coffee pot from your hand, setting it not-so-gently in the sink. She [[smiles|intro4]].

caeth

You take the elevator to the ninth floor. You're at the administrative level now, and it looks like a regular office. You walk past a bunch of cubicles and find a small IT center. There's a computer here, you could try to [[fiddle with it]].\n\nFLOOR01: ''[[LOBBY]]''\nFLOOR02: ''[[BEGINNER'S TRAINING]]''\nFLOOR03: ''[[LEGS AND GLUTES]]''\nFLOOR04: ''[[INTRADIMENSIONAL BRIDGING]]''\nFLOOR05: ''[[ADVANCED TECHNIQUES]]''\nFLOOR06: ''[[BRAIN EMPTYING]]''\nFLOOR07: ''[[PATENT OFFICE]]''\nFLOOR08: ''[[PERSONNEL CENTER]]''\nFLOOR09: ''ADMINISTRATIVE INFORMATION GATHERING''\nFLOOR10: ''[[BOSS LEVEL]]''

<<if $five is "BALL LIGHTNING">><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, and surprisingly, as you focus your mind on the idea of ''<<$five>>'' you begin to float off the ground along with the rest. You feel a little tired from the effort, but you can't stop now. You have to [[keep going|lvl6]].\n<<elseif $five is 'ball lightning'>><<timer>>You copy the movements of the people exactly, and surprisingly, as you focus your mind on the idea of ''<<$five>>'' you begin to float off the ground along with the rest. You feel a little tired from the effort, but you can't stop now. You have to [[keep going|lvl6]].\n<<else>>You try to move your body to match the others around you, but you just can't, they aren't buying it. You were really on a roll there, if only you'd just made it the rest of the way. You get ripped to shreds by the yoga mob. [[Oh well.|title]]<<endif>>