I looked over the sheet and realized that I really didn’t have any interests. Like I said before I’m an average student as well as an average person. At that point, I decided, fuck it, I’m just going to make something up. If half of the people going here could do, why not me?\n\n[[Here’s what I said for most of them:]]\n

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[uggghhhhh]]\nSeptember 13 2013\n11:57 am

So when it came to reading out loud part, there were of course a few people who had to go deep into detail about every section of the damn paper. The worse one was a white woman who was clearly in the class ‘to better herself’. I could never understand how these people could do it. Then again because of how boring I am, I wasn’t used to talking about myself, unless I had to.\n\nThen it came to me. I tried my best to read it in a cool voice, but I stumbled. I hated myself for it. But Tyler decided to ask me what my favorite restaurant was. Fuck. I paused for a while. I told him, “I think it was Chinese restaurant. It was a while ago, so I don’t remember the name.”\nThat had been close. So after that fiasco, Tyler went to talk some more about what we’d do in the class. We were able to get on the computer. One of the first things I did was look up restaurants. Saw a few Indian ones, Chinese, all that jazz.\n\n[[Went home]] afterwards. I didn’t have to wait as long on the bus this time around.

He was like the Lil Waynes of my high school. Why the hell was he here?\n\n“How old is you?”\n\nI told him 19. \n\n"Think you can give good head?"\n\nFor some reason, this question didn’t take me aback, shock me, nothing. The alcohol must of had me desensitized.\n\nMaybe, I said, shrugging. He came closer to me. If I saw this dude on the street during the day, I’d think he would be like all the other ‘niggas’ around.\n\n"Are you really into dudes?" I asked. I just had to know.\nHe was fucking serious. "Hell yeah," he said. He looked at me up and down. \n\nThere was something about a man, not a boy, not anyone else, staring at you with the desire to want to have sex with you.\n[[ok, I'm talking too much]].\n

\n\n\n\n\n\n[[First day]]\nAugust 29 2013\n4:33 pm\n\n

I went to the library. Saw so many people with memoirs about former alcoholics and drug addicts. I never understood alcohol or drugs. In this day and age, you think people wouldn’t hit the bottle or the pipe as much seeing how much it could [[fuck you up]].

It's just so funny thinking about that. Thinking how I used to somewhat be a troublemaker. A bad kid.\n\nI looked back at the mask. Why couldn't I [[be like that]]?

\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Terrible]]\nAugust 30 2013\n12:18 pm\n

\nWell apparently someone did. A white guy with a blue and gold sparkly mask approached just as I was leaving the alley. \n"Hey, what's up," he said. A part of reeled inside. Damnit, I didn't want to talk to someone this early. I still needed time to get used to this damn thing on my face.\n\n"Um, I'm cool," I manage to spurt out.\n\nA bit of an awkward silence, then, "Have you ever been here before?" he asked.\n\nNo, then I added, I'm just up for new experiences.\n\nThe white guy laughed.\n\n"Then you'd be okay if we have some drinks together?"\n\n"This early?" I asked, a bit on edge.\n\n"Come on, we're not gonna get blackout drunk or anything. We'll wait into later for that."\n\nI walked with into the club, showing my fake ID. The bouncer barely looked like he cared.\n\n"I'm Tony, by the way."\n\nI gave him a fake name. Darren. I had to be a [[different person]] here.

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Nothing]]\nSeptember 1 2013\n10:11 am\n

What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really think I was going to this thing? I never went anywhere, ever. The lack of having a car or friends kinda did it in for me.\n\nBut I hated being boring so bad. I wanted to do something for once. I can’t wait for something to happen to me. I had to do shit for myself. This epiphany hit me in the face.\nI’m going to [[take a nap]] now.\n

\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Second day (of bullshit)]]\nAugust 29 2013\n3:14 pm\n

I didn’t mention last post, but I’m a full time student. My [[schedule]]’s like this:

I drunk some more. I really didn't want to though. I sat down at a booth where some guys got up to start dancing. I thought about my life. Could I keep this up?\n\nI realized at this point, I didn't really feel anything. Wasn't really happy or sad. \n\nI wanted to go home. I watched on as two guys with their masks lifted up made out with each other. I stood up to go to the restroom and [[a guy]] walked in front of me.

“Hey, get in my car.” He tilted his head towards his Dodge Charger.\n\nFuck it, I told myself. We got into the backseat. I looked around.\n\nHe told me there were a lot of people in the area, so he wanted to go somewhere empty. I of course agreed with him.\nWe drove to an empty street. I didn’t know this area at all. I wanted to ask where he drove to but soon he unbuckled his pants. His pulled his dick out of his underwear. Even from the dim light from the street I could see his veins slowly jutting out.\n\nHe stroked himself just before grabbing me by the back of the head and pulling to his crotch.\n\nFor just a brief second, I didn’t want to do it anymore. But I didn’t really have a choice now did I?\n\n“Come on, suck this shit.” He said, almost with anger.\nI opened my mouth and swallowed about a inch in. I leveled my hand on his thigh.\n\nTo be honest, I’d say he did most of the work. He subtly pressed my head down, after each time I raised my head.\n“Just like that.”\nI could feel him [[throbbing]].

I thought about doing this journal writing shit for a long ass time. But I didn’t think I’d actually do it. After all, I did have a boring life.\n\nThen I thought, Hey I’m starting college soon, so why not? Today was my first day at HCC. There’s a reason it’s HCC and not TSU or U-of-H. I knew damn well I didn’t what the hell I wanted to do.\n\nLet’s make a list of all the [[common majors]] I heard in that pointless (easy a) College 101 class.\n

I always wanted to do this. I remember going on craigslist a few times and seeing all the postings of these guys’ desires and their dicks. Being horny got me on these pages, but fear kept me from pursuing anything.\n\nAt the end of the day, I didn’t really know how these people were. I did think about if they would end up murdering me. As much as I didn’t like my life, I didn’t want it to end.\nIt was so funny that way, the fact that I don’t have any real goals or ambitions, no friends, no meaning in my life but I still wanted to [[live it]].\n

I thought that was the problem with me though. I was too normal, regardless if I was straight or gay. And I hated it.\nNo wonder I had no close friends in life. No one seemed to want to really be around me at all.\n\nThat’s my life. I hope starting college would be the start of some great things for me. If nothing happens within next month then I guess I could call it quits on this thing. [[Let’s just see.]]\n

The only thing I wanted to study was Johnny Rapid’s body. I got my textbooks then I had no real assignments (except some College Algebra homework, just 10 questions). That was it. I looked at random porn for about an hour. Seemed like a slow day today.\n\nI looked at porn because I knew I could live vicariously through the guys. They could be sluts out in the open. \nOf course, I’ve never had sex before. I kind of wanted to. But I didn’t want a boyfriend. I thought having a SO would be too hard. I just didn’t want to think about it. I thought about how easy it was for people to have one night stands in TV shows and movies. They just fucked someone, and then the next day [[they never had to see that person again]].\n

But I guess they thought it could change them. I know it wouldn’t do it to me. That’s why I never thought about drinking to take the pain away. I might be the life of the party, but I wouldn’t remember it.\n\nI figured gay bars would be full of drinking, so I figured that there was a possibility that I could just drink a little and---wait. I’m only 19. More than likely you had to be 21 to get into these places. Shit. Why am I so stupid?\nI could get a [[fake ID]]. But I didn’t really know how to get those.\n

I got my ID online. It was risky as fuck, but either way I got it. It cost $200 and it looks almost real.\n\nAlmost real because I couldn't believe I did this. I smiled looking at my picture on the ID. With most of my graduation money down the drain, I figured that [[I had to go now]].

Google is really my best friend. Apparently they cost about $100-200. Fuck. $20 for a stupid fucking mask. Back to square one.\n \nOk. Maybe I could find a way by next week. Trust me, this wasn’t normal for me at all. I rarely ever got in trouble for anything, except in elementary school. It’s a [[funny story]] though.\n

\nMonday\nCollege 101 (with crazy lawyer who moonlights as a teacher) 8:30 am-10:00 am\n\nAbout hour and a half break- I basically spent this time in the lobby, on my phone, eating\n\nCollege Algebra 11:30-1:00 pm – I hate this class with a fuckin passion. I can tell I’m going to hate most of my classmates. I’ve noticed there is always that ONE GUY who never shuts the fuck up. Ever. What’s worse is that the teacher doesn’t seem to give a shit. Is he/she thinking that if he/she let’s this guy say what he wants he/she gets cool points? Because guess what, you’re a fuckin teacher and people gotta learn one way or another. \n\n[[Tuesday]]\n

\nDigital Art I 9:00 am-11:00 am – well I had to get an elective. Class is longer because, shit I don’t know. I meet the teacher Tyler, in the hallway, just because I wanted to see where the class was. Teacher says ‘like’ every few sentences. That should be a bad sign, but he was at least likable.\n\n\n[[and...]]

Nursing\nCriminal Justice (lol)\nEngineering\nPublic Relations (aka I’m just making shit up)\nBiology (or any other sciences)\n\nI’d say that most, only most of these people knew what they wanted to do. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of them were undecided. Or just going to school because they had nothing else to do. Like I did.\n\nI’m just going to admit, I spent most of my time in high school doing nothing. No sports, no clubs, not even the blood drive. I feel like I’m destined for failure. Going to HCC is just for safety. I don’t think I’m gonna get a degree. Once my 2 yrs is up here, I’ll be lucky if I can find a job doing anything.\n\nSpeaking of jobs, I really didn’t want to work. Of course, I want to make money. But I have no motivation. I applied for countless jobs but no call backs. I had a feeling that half of these people had ESP and could see what half of these people [[were really like]].\n

First time in a computer lab so far. The room was dark as all hell. As you could imagine, people were on their cell phones which seemed like it would be one of those classes where I probably didn’t have to say much.\n \nTyler, the hipster teacher who looked no older than the average student here, walked in and introduced himself. Went to SVA, got a master’s, blah, blah, blah. He then gave us a sheet of paper telling us to fill out our interests, what music we liked, our major. All this shit. In college and we had to do this. But it would only be worse as we’d have to [[read it out loud]].\n

I tried lowering my head down even further. I wanted to be Brent Corrigan. I wanted to be like the sluts on screen. \nI heard the guy groaning and soon my mouth was full of his jizz.\nI opened the car and spit it out.\n\n"You don't swallow?"\n\n"That was my first time." I said, like the words were flashing in my head.\n\n"That was good for your first time." He flashed a smile, revealing his gold grill.\n\nI took a cab home. My mom was still sleeping, thank God.\nSo now I'm here typing this. I don't really know what to think of the whole thing in general. I never wanted to kiss with a faceless guy on a dance floor. I never wanted to suck a guy's dick in his car.\n\nAnd I would do it all again.

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Riding the bus is a bitch]]\nSeptember 1 2013\n4:17 pm\n

younggayandstupid.livejournal.com

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[untitled]]\nSeptember 15 2013\n3:35 am

There was this annoying ass girl named Myra who used to always tease me for no one reason. So one day I decided to write a story where she died a brutal death. I thought it was amazing. But it got hold to a teacher when my classmate (who I thought was my friend) gave it to her.\n\nI sat in the AP’s office, just staring. Eventually after a torrent of words just came out trying to explain to me how wrong it was to write something like that. I tried so hard not to [[laugh]].\n

Favorite music: rock with a mix of rap (like Rage Against the Machine or some shit)\n\nHobby: I thought about this for a while. I remember seeing some documentary of a guy who wanted to go to every restaurant in his city, so I decided to say going on pub crawls and experiencing new restaurants and places around the city.\n\nMajor: this was a hard one. I hadn’t really told anybody what my major was. On the first in College 101 I just said Biology or Chemistry. Don’t even remember. So I just put I was looking to do something related to science.\n\n[[>>]]

I hated all of the wannabe Lil Waynes running around the school acting dumb as hell. I didn’t ‘act’ black nor did I try to be white. But people still made fun of me for being an ‘oreo.’ I have to say, that’s one of the dumbest phrases I’ve ever fuckin heard.\n\nYou would think, more than anything, people would make fun of me for being gay. It seemed like no one fuckin knew. There was one gay guy at my high school that never shut the fuck up. He tried to be so much like a female, it pained me. Why is it that every gay guy I’d see in public or on TV was like this? Is it so hard to think a gay guy could be…[[normal]]?\n

\nEnglish 10:00 am-11:20 am – nothing much happened in here. Seemed like there was a few good people. Adrian, the guy that sits next might be gay. We had a brief conversation about our schedule. Turns out he went to HSPVA. HSPVA grad = possible person who actually did shit in their life. He wanted to major in English. What are you thinking, I wanted to ask, but I said nothing.\n\n\n[[Wednesday]]

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[I got it]]\nSeptember 6 2013\n2:53 pm

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\nLet's just get it started, shall we?\n\nI told my mama that I was going over a friend's house. She tried interrogating me, as if I was not only lying about where I was going, but lying about having friends. She was right about both.\n\nI decided to take a cab to the area. It just felt too awkward walking around with the mask on the bus. I figured that I'd get my grant money soon enough.\n\nI arrived downtown around 8, about an hour after the ball. I put my mask at an empty corner where I thought [[no one saw me]].

\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Went out I guess]]\nSeptember 2 2013\n1:00 pm\n

Took a while but at least I got it. I still had a while till my refund came in so I used some of graduation money to get it. Cost about $20 but it looks nice at least.\n\nThe cashier tried to fuckin ask me where I was going. I just told him I was getting it for my sister and left. Everyone wanted to know every little aspect of your life. It seemed like the one time people would get curious about your life is when you really didn’t want them to.\n\nThe mask was red with silver and gold swirls around. It reminded of one of those tengu masks I saw in a history textbook before. I tried it on in the bathroom and liked how you could [[barely see my eyes]].\n

Rest of the week I can be boring and do homework. I decided I could go to the library up the street on Thursdays just so I could be out of the house. The more I was out of the house, the more I could pretend I was doing something.\n\nSo, I guess [[tomorrow]] I’d just see what Digital Art is like.\n

I spoke to Tony at the bar. I was Darren Jackson, a wannabe foodie who planned on travelling the world. I got my alter ego from a book I'd read not too long ago. Pretty sad that a fictional character had a more fulfilling life than I did.\nI drank a little more than I thought I would \n\nA few hours later, the lights were dimmed and some techno/trance/whatever it's called music started to play.\nTony invited me on the dance floor. Oh God. He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me out my seat.\n\nMy heart beat fast as Tony and other masked men grinded on me. \nI felt someone pull my mask up. Soon I felt someone's lips touch mine. I shut my eyes, trying to pull away, but I couldn't.\nI just [[kept dancing]].

Ok, I looked up some gay bars in Houston. I don’t know why. I always see people talking about them. I kept imagining them being some literal underground secret, like in the sewers or something. But know I knew some names. One of them, Malibu city I think, had a masquerade party next weekend.\n\nI remember reading somewhere that when people are under some kind of mask, they tend to act differently. That’s what I wanted.\n\nSo I had to get a mask.\n\n\nOk, looked some masks up. I’m sure the dollar store had some but they’d look cheap as shit. I figured Party City, the nearest one being about two buses away, would have some nice looking ones. No way was I going to get my mom to take me.\n\nLike I wanted to try to explain to her why I needed a mask.\nSo I thought about going [[tomorrow,]] but then I thought, do I really want to stay here any longer. I’m going to look up the next bus now.\n

I'm starting to feel sick. This week, just like last, was just a boring blur. I half-assedly did my homework and in class assignments. The only thing on my mind was that I was going to a gay club masquerade ball with a fake ID. Everyday I looked at the mask, realizing that it would be on my face. It took so much time for it to register.\n\nOk, I got more homework to do. I'm still going crazy over [[tomorrow night]].