ADHD

Your alarm goes off and you... [[roll out of bed]] [[snooze your alarm]] [[lay in bed and try to decide what to wear]]

You have a half hour to get ready. You eat breakfast and contemplate what to wear. Once you get dressed, you realized that you lost track of time. You have 5 minutes to get out the door! [[skip lunch and arrive on time]] [[Try to make lunch and still make it on time. I mean, 5 minutes is enough time, right?]]

You finally get up after a couple alarms go off. You now have 15 minutes to get ready. You get dressed, brush your teeth, and look at the clock. You have 5 minutes before you need to leave. [[make lunch and skip breakfast]] [[eat breakfast and skip making lunch]]

Your eye shoot open. You check your phone and realize that you fell back asleep. You have 10 minutes to get out the door. Once you get dressed, you realized that you lost track of time. You have 5 minutes to get out the door! [[skip lunch and arrive on time]] [[Try to make lunch and still make it on time. I mean, 5 minutes is enough time, right?]]

You made it to class on time! Unfortunately, by the end of class, your stomach is rumbling. You really don't want to spend money, but you know that the distraction of hunger makes the day even harder. Since you are not medicated for your ADHD, you have had to develop a lot of coping mechanism to help you live a "normal" life. After going back and forth in your mind, you decide to just grab something from the vending machine. It isn't that much money anyway, and if you clock in and do some work on your computer for an hour, you'll more than make up for the $3 you just spent. You briefly think of the budget that you set up a few weeks ago, but you know that you won't be able to focus very well if you don't eat. Trying to calm your growing anxiety about your inadequacies and the self loathing of not being able to control your ADHD, you attempt to shove the thought of money from your mind. As you walk to the library to get some work done, you see a few friends. [[Wave at them and keep walking to the library]] [[Stop to chat for a few minutes before hunkering down to work]]

Dang it! You got in to class 10 minutes after it started and missed the roll. Flustered, you find an empty seat and get out your laptop. It is hard to concentrate with the frustration you are feeling. By the time that class ends, you have thought of a long list of things that you haven't been doing right lately. As you walk to the library, you see some friends and decide to stop to talk with them.

You made it to class on time! Unfortunately, by the end of class, your stomach is rumbling.You really don't want to spend money, but you know that the distraction of hunger makes the day even harder. Since you are not medicated for your ADHD, you have had to develop a lot of coping mechanism to help you live a "normal" life. After going back and forth in your mind, you decide to just grab something from the vending machine. It isn't that much money anyway, and if you clock in and do some work on your computer for an hour, you'll more than make up for the $3 you just spent. You briefly think of the budget that you set up a few weeks ago, but you know that you won't be able to focus very well if you don't eat. Trying to calm your growing anxiety about your inadequacies and the self loathing of not being able to control your ADHD, you attempt to shove the thought of money from your mind. As you walk to the library to get some work done, you see a few friends. [[Wave at them and keep walking to the library]] [[Stop to chat for a few minutes before hunkering down to work]]

They are still ahead of you and you don't want to stop and get distracted. One of your friends, Steph, catches your eye though and waves. You wave back, but make it clear that you are in a hurry so that you don't seem rude. Steph turns back to the group and as you pass, you hear someone say to Steph, "I'm so ADD right now." You keep walking, but the words don't leave your mind. You repeat them with every step, creating a rhythm for your movement. [[Try to stop thinking about it.]] [[They didn't mean it to be demeaning.]] [[Laugh to yourself and continue walking.]]

They are still ahead of you and figure that a few minutes will be fine. As you join the circle, you notice that Cory is a little wound up today. The conversation continues. After a while Cory apologizes, "Sorry guys. I'm a little ADD right now." Everyone laughs. No one in this group of friends knows that you have ADHD. How do you respond. [[Join the group in laughing.]] [[Excuse yourself and say you have to get going.]] [[Reference your own ADHD]]

You try to put it from you mind and start working. You open your email and quickly get overloaded by the things left undone in your inbox. You keep putting off some of the same emails and open the new ones. You read through them, but don't want to forget to respond, so you mark them as unread. You go back and forth between different tasks, getting them mostly done, but running out of steam before completely finishing them. [[continue]]

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You get to the library and open your laptop. You try to put the previous conversation from you mind and start working. You open your email and quickly get overloaded by the things left undone in your inbox. You keep putting off some of the same emails and open the new ones. You read through them, but don't want to forget to respond, so you mark them as unread. You go back and forth between different tasks, getting them mostly done, but running out of steam before completely finishing them. [[continue]]

"Yeah, I know how that goes!" You briefly mention how you have ADHD and that you can get crazy too. A few of the people act surprised that you have ADHD. "But you don't act super hyper. You're really organized and on top of things." [[I may look organized, but I'm not really.]] [[I have to be organized.]] [[Not everyone with ADHD is hyper all the time.]]

A few weeks later, you are watching a show with your roommate. At one point, a character is acting completely ridiculous. Another character tells the first one to, "go take an adderall!' You remember back to when you were on Adderall. Your mom thought that you had ADHD like your older sister and took you to a doctor. You loved going to the doctor. You would both sit and play games and talk. You usually won the games. After a few visits, you started taking medication. It was hard to get used to. Trying to swallow a pill at the age of 9 was difficult. Sometimes, you thought you had taken it, but really, your mom found it at the bottom of the cup you drunk from at the end of the day. When your mom started working nights and it was your responsibility to get yourself ready for the bus every morning, it was hard to remember to take the medication every day. You missed a few days in a row each week, so your body never fully adjusted to it and the side effects didn't go away. People were constantly asking you what was wrong because you were quiet. Your friends said that you were two different people. It made you really self concious and eventually you stopped taking the medication all around. You didn't want to be defined by whether or not you took a pill in the morning. However, there is a new medication that has come out that your little brother is taking. Your dad says that there are less side effects and that it has been making things a lot easier for Bradley. He really wants you to go to the doctor. [[Give in to your dad's pleading and schedule an appointment with your doctor.]] [[Try to write in order to sort things out. Sometimes, you need to get out of your head.]]

"I try my best to stay organized, but I'm really not. I zone out a lot and forget things and have to switch between tasks a lot. I have to be as organized as possible or I would never get anything done." Jack pipes up, "Yeah, same here. That sounds fairly normal. I think doctors are a little too eager to diagnose ADHD." He didn't mean to, but that totally deflates you. It's as if he thinks that you don't really have ADHD because you have learned coping mechanisms to deal with it. What if he's right? Long after the conversation ends, you are still thinking about it. [[See a doctor to get re-diagnosed.]] [[Search online to see what ADHD typically looks like in adults.]]

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"I have ADHD combined type, which means that I have symptoms of both hyperactivity and inattentiveness. So, I zone out a lot and forget things and have to switch between tasks a lot." Jack pipes up, "Yeah, so do I. That sounds fairly normal. I think doctors are a little too eager to diagnose ADHD." He didn't mean to, but that totally deflates you. It's as if he thinks that you don't really have ADHD because you have learned coping mechanisms to deal with it. What if he's right? Long after the conversation ends, you are still thinking about it. [[See a doctor to get re-diagnosed.]] [[Search online to see what ADHD typically looks like in adults.]] </strike> Ignore it all and continue life as normal.<strike/> [[Try to write in order to sort things out. Sometimes, you need to get out of your head.]]

You decide to schedule an appointment with your doctor. When the day rolls around, you are filled with nerves. As you are in the waiting, you are so focused on tearing up the napkin in your lap that you almost miss the nurse calling your name. You walk back to the room and wait on the white crinkly paper. She comes in and you all start to talk. You tell her that you were diagnosed with ADHD when you were in 3rd grade, but you're not sure that you still have it. After all, there are a lot of people who say that you just grow out of it. She gives you a questionare and leaves you alone for a little while. After you finish it, a nurse puts it into the computer. The doctor comes back and tells you that you do indeed still have ADHD. You discuss medication options. She writes a prescription for Vyvanse. When you go to get it filled, you discover that your insurance doesn't cover it because it is still such a new medication. It would be hundreds of dollars a year to pay for it out of pocket. You know you can't afford it. You know that you don't want to go back on Adderal because your doctor mentioned that there are studies coming out that might possibly link it to heart disease. That's what your mother died of a few years ago. She took Adderal most of her life. Whether or not it contributed, you don't want to have anything to do with Adderal anymore. [[Try to write in order to sort things out. Sometimes, you need to get out of your head.]]

You decide to look on WebMD. It's a trusty source, right? As you read the 10 signs of ADHD in Adults, you feel like most of them don't fit you. You do have trouble starting tasks, and you're constantly late. However, you don't have angry outbursts and you're not a reckless driver. Maybe you don't have ADHD after all. However, your dad really wants you to go to the doctor. He says there is a new medication that has come out that your little brother is taking. Your dad says that there are less side effects and that it has been making things a lot easier for Bradley. You really don't want to go back on medication, but your father is rather insistent. You really don't like diappointing him. [[Give in to your dad's pleading and schedule an appointment with your doctor.]] [[Try to write in order to sort things out. Sometimes, you need to get out of your head.]]

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Your journal has been like your therapist, confidant, friend, and outlet. It calms you when you are upset. You begin to write a poem with a theme of masks. You feel like you are hiding so much of yourself. Other people see you as this person that you don't feel you are. You see your inadequacies and hate that you are chonically late, that sometimes, you just don't make connections, and you annoy others. As you write, you start to feel better. You decide to make a habit of this and your journal helps you navigate the waters of the complexity of living with a learning disability. You are not your ADHD and it does not control you. You have options.