Sick

I made a mistake. I never learn. Why do I never learn? Why do i keep doing the same [[mistakes->2]] over and over again?

Wake up. Mouth tastes like dried up slime. Throat so dry even breathing feels laborous. Sit up, head hung. Feels like being on the sea. Take the wrist watch, take a look. it reads [[4:30AM->3]]

Getting up. Go to the kitchen to see the thermometer. -10C outside. "Looks like it's getting warmer". Sigh, head full of stones. No time or will to drink a coffee, go to the medicine [[cabinet->4]]

Take a pill for the headache. Sigh in places of proper breaths. Take off the pyjamas, dress up. Pants are easy, socks are easy, thermal underwear takes some time. Get the coat, the hat and the gloves, Sit down on the chair. Feels like you can't breathe. //Damn gut is in the way.// Get the shoes on //take a couple of deep breaths.// Head still hurts. Getting up. Open the door [[time to go for a walk->5]]

Half colder than it was yesterday. //When you decided to get beer after 2 weeks of sobriety//. Regret flashes in front of your eyes. **You didn't even feel like getting beer.** Standing there, realizing: "I could honestly leave this and be happy". But you didn't. You didn't because it was -20 C outside, you were cold and the nearest place selling Dr.Pepper and skittles was 3 kilometres away, and ''you just wanted to get[[home->6]]''

That's all in the past. It just re-enforced your desicion. ''No going back to drinking loads. Less is more''. Walking around doesn't feel eerie though. The snow crunching under your feet. The cold air blasting against you face. There's still some tiredness in your eyes. Not so many lights out. In the distance, a car. //Where could it be going?// No highways were you are, they're all to the south from here. Doesn't feel to bad, [[though->7]]

You figured this out while in Nakkila. The best hangover cure is to take a pill, drink a cup of coffee then go for a walk. by the time you get back home, the headache's gone. Took a while to find the right lenght for the walk though. The standard 4.5 kilometres seems to work though. Yet...in Helsinki last weekend, you //just circled two different blocks and even that helped//. Still, you're in [[Lahti Now->8]]

After moving to this apartment it was hard to find a proper walking route to do on sundays. Stubborness won: You did the regular route and added 6 extra kilometres because you lived further away. Beginning was hard. Exhausted on the way back. Listening to Vice City soundtrack on the iPod. Then, it just got easier and easier. walking 10 kilometres in one go feels like nothing. Being sober 14 days was easy too. So, back on the [[wagon->9]]

At the houses near the hartwall brewery. Still about 2.5 kilometres home. The sleepiness is becoming stronger. You're yawning a lot. Shame ya didn't bring yer ipod withcha. You could've been listening to some music. A car passes towards the industrial parts of Lahti. Why? Probably some i.t. guy or a Sysadmin. "Poor Bastard", you think "Servers are a cruel mistress" Still so quiet. Lights at the schoolhouse lobby. Burglar alarm? [[probably->10]]

Nearing the old gas station. Go front of it or the back? The front. It's amazing they were able to keep this place in business. lost their license to sell gas due to some groundwater and ground pollution thing. No one got hurt, thankfully. Transformed itself into a restaurant and a hangout. Seems to be doing really well considering. At least their [[burgers->11]] are excellent.

Going up another small hill. Makes ya wonder. Why did they call this the Bay City? They could've called this the Hill City. close to some pre-historic ridge too, Salpausselkä. Weird place this. Changed a lot since 1996. Hard to realize how much ''has'' changed, unless you remember. And i [[remember->12]]

The old firestation. They moved closer to the old Asko factory. Saw the new fire station being built in 2012. That was one of the good years. Working for a full year, getting paid, being able to make a few big purchases. Good times, all around. Still, got another job for another 2 months. After that it's back to [[unemployment and welfare->13]]

At least the student loan's paid off. At least you did the things you set out to do. At least you still have a good amount of savings. But will it translate to another job? Is it really time to go back to school? If i did, would there be a job for me when i get out? Would i even have the skills needed? Am i too old to [[turn my life around?->14]]

The rich person's house, that eyesore marking a corner to the more affordable houses. Nearly home now. The inner thighs are really feeling the cold. Yet on the morning it's like a fat mass welded together by being too fat. You can feel it too. Last year's been filled with more beer drinking than normal. That's what caused your weight to balloon up to 100 kilos again. And you're serious about losing weight. Again, you proved it to yourself: you don't need to get the beer and the snacks. You can do without them. You could've had more fun just staying at home, playing Batman, but no. You told yourself you'd try it [[one last time->15]]

You had so much more money left over too. It's clear that the biggest impact on your wages is the beer. I have to give it up. I ''will'' give it up. like mum said, just two bottles a month. I know that now. And this time i'll [[do it->16]]

The house row. Final stretch. Still nothing, no lights, only the street lamps. Nearly home. Nearly back in bed. The headache's gone, the physical strain of the walk is starting to take effect. A straight stretch, followed by [[that fucking hill->17]]

A hill that feels like you're walking in a 47 degree angle. The hill that makes cars freeze, unable to climb up during the winter. The hill takes makes you want to stay home instead of going anywhere. And you're on the top of it. Few more steps, just a [[few more->18]]

Home. Home, there's the home. Get the keys from the back pocket, the ''right one'', open the outside door. Up the steps, open the apartment door, get in. Close it. quickly quickly, the shoes and pants come off. Back in the the pyjama pants, Back into the warm, soft embrace of your own bed. The last thing you think, before sleep overtakes you yet again: "My inner thighs feel so [[cold"->19]]

I was dry 14 days. Last friday i made a concious desicion to break it. I regret it, i deeply deeply regret it. It's clear to me that i'm better off without alcohol in my life. At least, not in the amount i regularly buy it as. I'm so sure that i can do with less and that things would be so much better if i just didn't drink that much. So yet again i start going dry. Sunday was the 1st day, today's the second. Weekend at dad's. Risk of drinking. But...I could just drink two bottles. No more. That's it then. Back on the wagon.