I don't want to be the liquor

Some of you might regognize the modified [[quote->lahey]] that is part of the title. Some of you might not. Nevertheless, i feel that it's time for me to make a confessional about myself, even though i do so loathe to talk about [[myself->1]]

The original quote is: "Randy... I ''am'' the liquor". It's said by a very severely alcoholic trailer park supervisor Mr.Lahey, who is a character in the canadian TV series Trailer Park [[Start<-boys]]

I started drinking pretty heavilly when i was studying animation in the city of Nakkila. This was around 2007-2009. Or...somewhere around that time. Thing is, Nakkila was one of those places where, outside of going to school or reading books, there wasn't much to do. To make the time go by faster and to illeviate the boredom, i drank beer so i could get intoxicated and experience the time going by faster, thus removing parts of the day where nothing happened, just so i could go to school faster. I did have things to keep me busy, even some ideas of learning new skills, but for some reason, be it my youth or my inexperience with the world i couldn't hold on [[to them->2]]

So, when i left the school i still clung on to some bad habits. Namely, the practice of buying a 6-pack of beer on fridays for a 'weekend drink'. And i couldn't really get past that habit. I mean, unemployment helped a bit but... i still drank whenever i had the chance. And...it's not gone down to [[moderate->3]]

I've tried to do this thing called 'Tipaton Tammikuu', which is a practice of Finnish people not to consume any alcohol in any form at all for the duration of January, but i've failed in it in the past. This year though, i'm deadly [[serious.->4]]

We got this scale that, in addition of measuring your weight, also does bone density, BMI and amount of retained fluids as well as muscle mass. needless to say all of those, in my case, are pretty fucked. And it's all because i got a job for [[this year.->5]]

Even i've noted that i've been drinking ''a lot more'' than i normally do, simply because i have the means to do so. And thanks to my resistance to alcohol (at least the 4.7€ beer that's being sold everywhere...), i don't get drunk anymore. I just drink because i can and because it calms me down..at least [[i think it does->6]]

So this year, with the dry january that i'm completely serious about, i'm also trying to lose weight. I weigh 100.4 kilograms, i can't breathe when i tie my shoelaces and i can't fit to my pants that we bought for me this summer. Something's got to change. Mostly my drinking and eating habits. I know that this is going to be hard. I even had to call my brother today to tell him that i can't visit him next weekend, because we'd planned to do a smallish pub crawl. In fact, this is the most serious about this in a [[long time->7]]

I haven't been drinking today. I probably won't drink tomorrow either. One day at a time as the people in AA say. I don't know if i'll stop drinking entirely after this month. I don't even know if i can keep dry for ''this'' month. All i know i have to try, even if the economic and political situation is making me wanting to give up and be done with this all. Maybe i'll have more money left over. Maybe I won't spend it all on stupid ass videogames, as a replacement for the alcohol. Who knows what's gonna happen. Wish me luck.