{
(set: $previous to "The Beginning")
}
You are the hero Bobeelus. You are in the land of the Rentangulon and you have been tasked by the king to kill fifty slimes and return with their slimey pelts (?).
You are thirty six.
You approach a village.
[[Enter Village]]
[[Inventory]]
Your thirty-six-year-old legs walk you into the village like a mofo. It's small. Huts. Thatched roofs. You know the one.
[[Talk to the village elders.]]
[[Examine village more.]]
[[Go to the inn.]]
[[Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
You have $money moneys.
$pointedStick[ [[- Really pointed stick.]] ]
$driedCorn[ [[- Dried corn.]] ]
$kingsNote[ [[- A note from the king.]] ]
$glowingStone[ [[- Glowing stone.]] ]
$glowingPotato[ [[- Glowing potato.]] ]
$keyFob[ [[- Janky key fob.]] ]
$slimeSlop[ [[- Artisanal slime slop. ]] ]
(link: "Back")[(go-to: $previous)]
You almost hurt yourself but do not hurt yourself.
[[okay|Inventory]]
(set: $driedCorn to false)
You eat all the dried corn.
[[damnit.|Inventory]]
Hello Adventurer,
Will you please just do this thing? Like okay?
- King
[[Okay, fiNE|Inventory]]
The stone glows. It looks like a potato. It fills you with deplermination.
[[Good.|Inventory]]
There are three old people looking elder.
They await your approach.
[[Approach Xambeevus]]
[[Approach Arguloid the Masticator]]
[[Approach Carl]]
The inn has three full beds. One california king. The sheets are near fresh.
[[Exit|Enter Village]]
[[Talk to innkeeper]]
[[Sleep on double bed]]
[[Sleep on that sweet king]]
(set: $previous to "Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.")
//Ugh.// What a tourist trap.
...you have $money moneys though. What else you gonna do?
[[Check Inventory.|Inventory]]
(if: $driedCorn is false)[ [[ Buy dried corn. ]] (1 moneys)]
(if: $glowingPotato is false)[ [[Buy glowing potato.]] (5000 moneys)]
(if: $keyFob is false)[ [[Buy "I <3 VILLAGE" key fob.]] (5 moneys)]
(if: $slimeSlop is false)[ [[Buy artisanal slime slop.]] (20 moneys / lb)]
[[Sell your goods.]]
[[Leave.]]
The inn keeper is a cool dude. I bet he isn't thirty six. But you could ask, if you weren't so nervous about it.
[[Sleep on double bed]]
[[Sleep on a california king bed|Sleep on that sweet king]]
Sleeping in the double bed fills you with loneliness.
Suddenly, without warning, you feel things.
"Fuck killing slimes!" You yell to the economy-level room. "I WANT TO FIND A WIFE!"
[[Find wife]]
It is of note that this isn't the king that told you to do a thing.
Your tired-thirty-six-year-old legs finds the extra four inches of leg space a luxury not available on planes or in a king. Not the one who told you to do a thing.
You sleep for three months. That's not coma. That's just how you sleep.
[[Go outside|Enter Village]]
You take a taxi to High Town Dictrict of The Village. A few blocks west of the bus stop lands you in front of a squat brick building. Neon cursive glows blue: *Oh? Two!* The sexiest hottest gayest fleekest fiercest fantasy air bar in all of the Village. This is where wives hang out. You're semi-sure of it.
You take a deep breath and enter, the door propped open with a brick.
Inside is a closet sized room with an inifinite stream of used confetti descending from the wall. A robed figure is wedged to the far wall, leaning over a night stand. Sharpie spells *Bobeelus* in red block letters on their name tag.
They are the most beautiful robed figure you have ever seen. And you must have them.
Another robed figure leans on the right wall. Taped to the chest of their robe is a flyer that reads:
*MICRO SPEED DATING- PLEASE TALK TO ME FOR ORIENTATION*
You wedge yourself across from the orienteer, occupying the left wall.
[[Go forward]]
[[Go left]]
[[go right]]
[[Talk to orienteer]]
[[Talk to Bobeelus]]
Double-click this passage to edit it.
Sitting on a stump is a pair of wooden dentures, surrounded by the crumbs of a crumbly crumb cook(E).
The dentures, posessed, speaks in the hoarse voice of a middle aged smoking third-grade subsistute named Greta, though that's just your opinion.
"What do you - *coughcoughcough* She spits up a phlegm the color of the sea.
[[Approach Xambeevus]]
[[Approach Carl]]
You decide to talk to Carl.
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/zTOmCeW.jpg">
He seems to be the same age as you, thirty-six. You feel a connection with him already.
"Greetings traveler," Carl tells you as you approach.
"Greetings," you reply back.
Finally, someone with some relative sense in this world.
[[Ask about the slimes -> Carl-Slimes]]
It's a village. Don't know how much more village-y this could get. Honestly, your need for description here, is alittle needy, and this is why I've told you, time and time again, not to ask me about the village. Okay?
[[Continue|Enter Village]]
You lean forward to take your first step, but that causes your face to lurch into the orienteers. Your lower face descends into the folds of the robe. You fel the sensation of lips (probably) on your lips. You lean back and apologize.
Unfortunately the room is so small that you can feel their breathing.
"It's cool. Happens pretty often actually." A deep voice says.
You lean back to your wall.
[[Go left]]
[[go right]]
[[Talk to orienteer]]
[[Talk to Bobeelus]]
[[Examine room|Find wife]]
You lean to the left and find your hip pushing the small table. It teeters and falls into Bobeelus's lap. They don't seem to mind, and lets it rest in their lap, not moving or acknowledging the event.
You lean back to your wall.
[[Go forward]]
[[go right]]
[[Talk to orienteer]]
[[Talk to Bobeelus]]
[[Examine room|Find wife]]
You think about leaving. Are you really ready to commit to someone for the rest of your life? But then you think back to that night at the inn. You stay leaning angainst your wall and are filled with something.
[[Go forward]]
[[Go left]]
[[Talk to orienteer]]
[[Talk to Bobeelus]]
[[This is as far as we got.]]
You aren't a very informed person, but you're pretty sure that this person has something to do with dating maybe the - TALK TO THE ORIENTEER, YOU GAMEPLAY MAVERICK.
[[Talk to orienteer]]
{(set: $money to 5000)
(set: $driedCorn to true)
(set: $pointedStick to true)
(set: $glowingStone to true)
(set: $kingsNote to true)
(set: $glowingPotato to false)
(set: $keyFob to false)
(set: $slimeSlop to false)
(set: $previous to "")
(set: $inventory to (a: $driedCorn, $pointedStick, $glowingStone, $kingsNote, $glowingPotato, $keyFob, $slimeSlop))
}
The potato glows. It looks like a stone. It fills you with derpderplermination.
...why the fuck did you need this. An existential crisis looms in the background, and you feel yourself stifling a meow.
[[meowderp.|Inventory]]
It has your name. And "I <3 VILLAGE."
[[Feel satisfied with your choices.|Inventory]]
//artisanal slime slop, harvested from free range slime fed on organic non-GMO radioactive slime//
The thought is what counts, right?
[[Gulp.|Inventory]]
Tasty. You can already feel your self-control evaporating.
(if: $money >= 1)[
(set: $money -= 1)
(set: $driedCorn to true)
Congrats. You are the proud new owner of some dried corn.
...You now have $money moneys.
](else:)[
...but you're broke. No dried corn for you.
]
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
The potato glows. It looks like a stone. It fills you with derpderplermination.
(if: $money >= 5000)[
(set: $money -= 5000)
(set: $glowingPotato to true)
Congrats. You are the proud new owner of a possibly radioactive glowing potato.
...You now have $money moneys.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
](else-if: $driedCorn is true)[
fuCK. Where's your weekly allowance at? You reach into your fanny pack inventory and come up with... dried corn?
"Sir?"
[[whAT DO YOU DO???]]
](else:)[
...but you're broke. No glowing potato for you.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
]
//artisanal slime slop, harvested from free range slime fed on organic non-GMO radioactive slime//
What is this stuff, 20 a pound? Slime slop, slime pelts--can't the king just fund a shopping expedition instead?
(if: $money >= 1000)[
(set: $money -= 1000)
(set: $slimeSlop to true)
50 pounds, 50 pelts, same difference right?
Congrats. You are the proud new owner of 50 pounds of slime slop.
...You now have $money moneys.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
](else-if: $driedCorn is true)[
fuCK. Where's your weekly allowance at? You reach into your fanny pack inventory and come up with... dried corn?
"Sir?"
[[whAT DO YOU DO???]]
](else:)[
...but you're broke. No slime slop for you.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
]
The shopkeeper eyes you warily.
{
(if: $driedCorn)[
You pull out your corn. "You are willing to pay... a high price," you venture.
](else:)[
what goods do you even have jesus.
]
}
[[take your fine wares elsewhere.|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
Plebs. You make your exit, majestically.
[[Go to the inn.]]
[[Talk to the village elders.]]
they have your name? they neVER HAVE YOUR NAME??!?!?!?!!11111oNE!
(if: $money >= 5)[
(set: $money -= 5)
(set: $keyFob to true)
Congrats. You are the proud new owner of a janky key fob.
...You now have $money moneys.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
](else-if: $driedCorn is true)[
fuCK. Where's your weekly allowance at? You reach into your fanny pack inventory and come up with... dried corn?
"Sir?"
[[whAT DO YOU DO???]]
](else:)[
...but you're broke. No key fob for you.
[[Back|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
]
the SHOPKEEPER IS LOOKING AT YOU HE'S LOOKING AT YOU OH GOD YOU CAN'T BUY ANYTHING WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???
STAYCOOLSTAYCOOLSTAYCOOLSTAYCOOLSTAYCOOLSTAYCOOLSTAYCOOL
(set: $driedCorn to false)
[[EAT THE DRIED CORN.|Peruse the wares of the local shoppe.]]
"50 Slimes eh?" Carl furrows his brows as he looks at the King's request. "Seems like there's some to the [[east of the Village -> Village Slimes]]."
You thank him greatly and continue on your quest.
You see a field of [[slimes -> Slimes description]]. They seem to be having fun bouncing around. You feel bad about killing them, but there's not much you can do about it.
[[Kill slimes -> Kill slimes]]
[[Have an existential crisis -> Existential crisis]]
Slimes - a green jelly drop like monster with sparkly eyes and a green antenna sticking from the top of their head. You feel like you've violated something reading this description.
[[Back-> Village Slimes]]
Picking up your Really Pointy Stick you kill 50 slimes.
You feel empty inside.
[[Go ask Carl what you should do.]]
Looking at the Slimes with their happy families and children, you wonder why the king ordered you to kill them.
You collapse onto the grass field, filled with despair.
After what seems like eternity, you pick yourself up from the field and stumble back into the village. A whole slew of new questions now fill your head.
Why and for what reason were you put here?
Finding these issues to be too deep for you to handle, you look for [[someone -> Carl-crisis]] to talk to.
You meet Carl once again in the village. It's gotten pretty dark so you wonder why he hasn't gone home yet.
"Greetings traveler," Carl tells you as you approach.
"Greetings," you reply back.
Finally, someone with some relative sense in this world.
[[Ask about the slimes -> Carl-Slimes]]
Shovel in hand, you bury the last of the slimes at the base of Slime Mountain. You look at the dark clouds churning above the mountain peak. You examine the king's note again.
The blood of the slime graves stains the ground a putrid green.
[[Say a prayer]]
[[Ask Carl for help.]]
Reaching into your blood stained place where your heart used to be, you search for the right words to ask forgiveness for your sin. Is it your fault you are so loyal to the king? Why is it so easy to kill? Your tears hit the ground. Carl tells you that only real men cry. After recovering from your holy cry carnival, you find that your hair has turned white and your belly is more triangular than before.
[[Openly weep]]
[[Openly weep]]
[[Openly weep]]
[[Openly weep]]
Journeying the mountain's sloppy jelly exterior is no easy job, but you and Carl reach the top, where the gate of the Slime Heavens rest. You find yourself ready to make a personal apology to the higher slime powers, but are overcome with more mortal urgency. You need a place to pee.
[[Pee over cliff.]]
[[Pee on gate.]]
[[Pee too close to Carl.]]
Torrential emotion muddies the ground around you, your feet slowly sinking into the mass grave you hastily dug moments ago.
The curse of your triangular stomach is clear. There is only one thing to do.
[[Ask Carl for help.]]
A momentary glee overtakes you. What fun it is to mess with the local water supply. Damn the consequences.
All of a sudden the sky above you turns green. A voice muffled, as if deep under water, worbles from all directions of the sky, "You... have... desecrated... the... slimes... for... the... last time..."
Below your feet the corporeal aesthetic of the mountain is replaced with endless darkness. You stand on seemingly nothing. From underneath you the spirits of fifty victimized slimes blob towards you mentioning how they don't really mind being dead. They don't hold it against you, and that the slime god is just a really sensitive person who needs more attention than most of us.
"We... demand... reperations..."
[[Ask Carl for help|123]]
Since the killing, you have been unable to sort the good from the bad. You compulsively execute your initiative at the holy site.
All of a sudden the sky above you turns green. A voice muffled, as if deep under water, worbles from all directions of the sky, "You... have... desecrated... the... slimes... for... the... last time..."
Below your feet the corporeal aesthetic of the mountain is replaced with endless darkness. You stand on seemingly nothing. From underneath you the spirits of fifty victimized slimes blob towards you mentioning how they don't really mind being dead. They don't hold it against you, and that the slime god is just a really sensitive person who needs more attention than most of us.
"We... demand... reperations..."
[[Ask Carl for help|123]]
Carl is a mature individual and universally respects the basics needs of life on the planet. He quotes a survival fact he read in National Geographic.
All of a sudden the sky above you turns green. A voice muffled, as if deep under water, worbles from all directions of the sky, "You... have... desecrated... the... slimes... for... the... last time..."
Below your feet the corporeal aesthetic of the mountain is replaced with endless darkness. You stand on seemingly nothing. From underneath you the spirits of fifty victimized slimes blob towards you mentioning how they don't really mind being dead. They don't hold it against you, and that the slime god is just a really sensitive person who needs more attention than most of us.
"We... demand... reperations..."
[[Ask Carl for help|123]]
Carl shrugs.
He pulls up his Amazon wishlist on his phone, thinking about Kwanzaa gift strategy.
You cough. Everything goes [[dark]].
Air rushes around you. [[Thirty three minutes pass.]]
[[This is as far as we got.]]
Double-click this passage to edit it.