The Anxious Object

(if: $leaves is 0)[As the first rays of sun seeped through from below the curtains, my eyelids glazed and burned. So calming, it was, a feeling I hadn't experienced in a [[while.->wake up]]] (if: $leaves is 6)[I had been awake for [[hours.->wake up]] (live: 15s)[<audio controls> <source src="permutationsrain.mp3.mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]]

(if: $leaves is 0)[As I turn and stretch in my bed, I see my ball pen, [[uncapped]], staring at my [[neck->covered]].] (if: $leaves is 6)[My joints were stones, and my extremities sticks. The effort I had to make in order to move was ungodly. But not until now did I realize the small particles that flooded my room, looking like daylight [[fireflies->uncapped]]. (live: 15s)[<audio controls> <source src="permutationsrain.mp3.mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]]

(if: $leaves is 0)[//It's dried up by now//. I think as I cover my neck with my hand. The thought of a pointy object observing my neck was terrifying, let alone, the fact that I woke up later than usual, made me feel [[uneasy->suspicious]].] (if: $leaves is 6)[The constant sound of my phone forced [[me up]]]

My cold feet burned as they touched the bare ceramic tiles. The floor felt like a bounding entity that connected me with my ancestors, the ones that had tread these floors [[before me.->today]].

(if: $leaves is 0)[I decided to fetch some water from the village's fountain, something I had to grow accustomed to as a kid. It's too cold outside but I have no clothes here. I head to my [[grandmother's closet->nature]] ] (if: $leaves is 6)[As I was going to answer, my phone turns off because of low battery; at least life had taken a decision on my behalf [[today->nature]].]

(if: $leaves is 0)[Come to think of it, seldom do I write in bed, and seldom do I wake up this late. I had gotten so used to being forced awake in the [[dark]] to the sound of the blaring alarm, that today, this break in my routine left me feeling [[uneasy->think]].]

Ever since coming here, flashbacks invaded my thoughts. I've always liked how the tangled leaves invited themselves into my room to caress the walls. (either: "As a child I always thought it meant that the world was entering my room...But now it's as if my privacy is being interrupted and taken away from [[me->today]]", "As a child I always thought it meant that the world was entering my room...As if the whole world was coming to me and only [[me->nature]].")

(if: $leaves is 0)[I need to get moving, I think. Spending my whole day in bed is something I cannot tolerate. I move towards the closet, and open the same doors my grandmother opened throughout her life. The knob had lost most of its luster. The temptation of wearing Her clothes consumed me. Although Her clothes smelled like [[dust and humidity]], and the colors and patterns were faded out, they lived on in my mind. I slipped her green dress over my head. The cold didn't bother me [[then->cold]]] (if: $leaves is 6)[I need to get moving, I think. Spending my whole day in bed is something I cannot tolerate. I move towards the closet, and open the same doors my grandmother opened throughout her life. The knob had lost most of its luster. The temptation of wearing Her clothes consumed me. Although Her clothes smelled like dust and humidity, and the colors and patterns were faded out, they lived on in my mind. I slipped her green dress over my [[head]].]

I couldn't sit comfortably in Her clothes. The image of Her sitting in this same chair with Her straight back, soft curls, long drawn eyebrows, and Her hazel narrow eyes looking at me from under Her nose used to make my childish heart skip a beat. I guess it was because I was wearing Her same clothes, or perhaps the certain resemblance I genetically achieved as I [[aged->dark]], plus the architectural context and furniture that surrounded me. I swear I felt as if I was sitting 3 meters above [[ground]]. It felt as if the amount of power I had within me, was strictly related to my gaze and nothing else. (live: 20s)[<audio controls> <source src="GustavoSantaolallaAlma(Audio).mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]

Electricity was not working, and no matter how many times I'd call the electrician, he would never answer. Water was another issue, since there is none in an abandoned house. Moreover, the water I had collected from the village's fountain smelled like oxide and limestone. //"Everyone drinks from it"//, my mother used to say. //"You are no exception"// Nevertheless, the water that coursed towards my stomach overflew me with disgust and pain. The taste was a mix of what you'd think blood would taste [[like->up]]. (live: 20s)[<audio controls> <source src="GustavoSantaolallaAlma(Audio).mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]

//I need to buy food and water// Off I go with my strong legs that I suddenly felt becoming thinner and weaker. I head outside and take a left, towards the new [[paved road]]; when I suddenly remembered the [[long and narrow staircase]] I used to take as a child.

The paved road was smooth and new. The newly constructed houses that flanked the road, formed an irregular rhythm against the old ones. Similarly, all the cars parked outside had a layer of dust and leaves pilling up on the rather [[plastic material]].

Since it was a shortcut, I took that path and walked towards [[it->dark]]. The moment I got there, I realized the extent in which memory can betray. (either: "The staircase was narrower than the one my imagination showed me, the secure and solid cement that once formed the ground was now overpowered by a combination of [[dead leaves and dead fruits]]" , "The staircase was no longer there. A combination of dead leaves and dead fruits formed the surface, and the further you'd look down the less you'd see an end, bounding the stairs to [[**the core of earth**->paved road]]"). (live: 20s)[<audio controls> <source src="GustavoSantaolallaAlma(Audio).mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]

I had to walk down the stairs sideways, the length of my feet was effortlessly overpassing the length of the steps. I was grabbing every branch at reach to not fall, covering my hands with dirt, dust, and occasional scratches that coated my palms with small scarlet [[dots]].

As soon as I arrive to the shop, I notice the new metal door. I wondered if Anwar was now afraid of the town's people stealing from him, a theory with no base since the doors were fully open, making them look odd in the more woody and earthy background. I lead myself inside, and find no one in. -//Anwar, Anwar!,// I scream trying to call out for him. Starving as I was, I decide to take what I want and leave him a note. He wouldn't [[mind]].

Water was my top priority, so I take 7 bottles of labeled water. I felt like a thief taking them without [[permission->dark]]. I turn to look for some cheese and bread, when suddenly, the shinning red berries took center stage. Maybe because it wasn't berry season... Maybe because the basket was so nicely woven that I could not, not look at them... I don't know. I take a bag and start filling it, until I had 2.5 kilos of berries and a small mix of [[nuts and vegetables]].

I went up by the same narrow staircase, this time I didn't need help from the branches. My feet felt secured somehow. (if: $leaves is 0)[ As I get home I place the bags on the kitchen counter, only to find out that they were all covered in [[blood and dirt]] from my hands. (live: 20s)[<audio controls> <source src="GustavoSantaolallaAlma(Audio).mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]] (if: $leaves is 6)[As I get home I place the bucket on the kitchen counter, only to find out that veins were popping out on my skin and portruding next to any bone I [[have]] (live: 15s)[<audio controls> <source src="permutationsrain.mp3.mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]]

As I see my hands, the little water I had drank in the morning was making its way upwards to my [[mouth->then]]. My hands had left I trail of blood that I could trace from the village's market, then taking a right towards the staircase and a making a 90 degree angle towards the [[house->dark]]. I head to the bathroom in order to wash my hands, but the dirt and blood had already been absorbed by my skin. I grab a piece of cloth and quickly cover my full arms [[with it]]. <audio autoplay loop> <source src="permutation.wav"> </audio>]

The blood and dirt kept on trespassing the cloth no matter how many times [[I changed it->bigger]]. It happened again and again [[and again]]

I woke up at night, at which hour I don't know exactly, but the moon was set well high up the sky. The blood and dirt didn't bother me [[then]]. The rusted metal taste was still in my mouth so I reached out for the [[bottle of water]]

Maybe I left the water at the entrance ok, maybe I left it in the hallway or my room perhaps in the bathroom let me check the kitchen [[again]] As I was about to panic again, I was startled by the flash of lucidity that enlightened [[me->then]].

And so I go towards the bucket full of village water, only that this time I tossed the glass away and lifted the bucket [[towards my lips]].

As I felt the water going down my stomach, the sensation was rather cold and soothing. I let the water down and sink myself to the floor. I catch a glimpse of the berries on the ground. I go, grab a handful and eat them. They were bittersweet and full of juice. =><= (live: 15s)[<video controls autoplay id="video-bg"> <source src="concretewall4.mov"> </video> (stop:)]

The lack of people startled me, it was already passed midday and not a soul was to be seen. These thoughts were quickly dismissed as I approached the village's market. Anwar had done some [[restorations->dots]] I noticed. //Maybe I'll go talk to him and update myself with some [[village news]]//.

I could not stand tall in Her clothes. They were Her's, and never could be mine. Looking into the mirror, my skin crawled as I saw Her face in the place of mine. She stood there, looking back at me. Wearing them was just as though I were desecrating her memory. My sweater and pants will do. I grab a bucket, a coat, and head [[outside]].

The water fountain was nothing as I remembered it. The smell of limestone and mold was denser than air, turning everything around putrid and dead. I fill a bucket and take it [[home.->up]]

Anwar seemed rather upset, but then again, I had never seen him happy. Any thoughts I had of making small talk with this man were behind me now. As I pass the metal door, he tells me to take what I need and leaves me [[alone->mind]].

And for the first time, in over a year, I felt completely alone. (if: $leaves is 6)[I will sleep this day off, and forget [[it->Everyday]].] (if: $leaves is 7)[I must have stared blankly at the leaves for over $leaves [[hours.->forget it]]] (if: $leaves is 8)[My legs felt even heavier than before, I was under a spell from where I could not get [[out]]] (if: $leaves is 9)[[[alone...]]] =><= (live: 25s)[<video controls autoplay id="video-bg"> <source src="concretewall4.mov"> </video> (stop:)]

I head outside and pour some of the [[village water->outside]] on my hands, removing at least the [[//dirt//]] from them.

The [[weight->dark]] of the day came crashing down my shoulders by force. I decided to go back to [[bed->weight]]. (set: $leaves to 2)

I take a look at my hand as I'm filling the bag of berries and find out they're covered with dirt and blood. I tried to clean them, but the more I cleaned the more it spread. My hand was just getting dirtier and dirtier; the scratches were just getting deeper and [[deeper->bigger]]. //I'll let them be until I get home and wash them.// I pay for the water, berries, nuts, vegetables, cheese, and bread; under a note with my name and phone number. I grab the bag of berries, nuts, and [[vegetables->house]].

As a lay in bed I couldn't help but noticing the same [[leaves->dark]] I saw this morning. The same leaves that were gently touching the walls, now were [scratching]<cl1| and [[scratching->weight]]]. (click-replace: ?cl1)[And as the shadows moved slowly through the walls and furniture, I enter a hazy space in my imagination.] (set: $leaves to $leaves +1)

=><= <video controls autoplay id="video-bg"> <source src="moths.mov"> </video> (stop:)

Almost driving myself crazy, I shut my eyes and self to the world. (live: 10s)[<audio controls> <source src="permutationsrain.mp3.mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]

My phone felt alien in my [[hands]]. Apperently my mom had been calling for hours now, but what was I supposed to tell her? That my legs had gotten so thin to the point were moving was unbareable, that my arms were bags of scarlet skin covered with dirt, that the moths had taken over the lamps, that my sense of smell was utterly replaced with limestone and oxide. Which one of these [[stories->today]] should I tell you mom? (live: 15s)[<audio controls> <source src="permutationsrain.mp3.mp3"> </audio> (stop:)]

=><= (live: 5s)[<video controls autoplay id="video-bg"> <source src="concretewall4.mov"> </video> (stop:)]

Off I go with my weak legs carrying a hunchbacked body and an empty bucket of [[water]].

The rocky mountains were massively sculpted through the force of wind and rain, and from every rock it seemed as if Pine trees were sprouting like grains in a jar. Laid by rainy seasons, carved by wind and sun, and ornamented with pine trees; the path to the water fountain seemed like a Progression that I was forced to go through [[alone]].

And for the first time, in over a year, I felt completely [alone.]<cl1| (click-replace: ?cl1)[at ease. I Fetched more water from the fountain and went back into the [[house]]]

The same way in which the little creases form patterns on rocks, my vains were ornamenting every inch of my body. The bags of skin I once had for arms were overshadowed by tense muscles and terse veins that pulled all my skin towards my neck. Clenching my jaw as I was, I could not avoid but shaking my hair restlessly while trying as hard as I can not to pull my [[roots out.->again]] =><= (live: 15s)[<video controls autoplay id="video-bg"> <source src="concretewall4.mov"> </video> (stop:)]

(go-to: (either: "Everyday", "out", "alone")) (set: $leaves to 6)