<<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice">Why are you having so much trouble letting this go? Nothing happened. Nothing //happened//. </span><<endtimedinsert>>You pore over the selection of 2-liter bottles, then move your eyes downward to the bottles and cans of soda. No ginger ale. Weird.\n\nA lady, presumably also looking for soda, walks around the corner and shuffles a bit.\n\n[[You decide to look in the refrigerator aisle|Refrigerator Aisle]]. <<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice">You don't want to make the lady uncomfortable because she has to be in your space.</span><<endtimedinsert>>
"Sorry 'bout that," you tell your friends, smiling. You make sure that your voice is loud enough that the stranger can hear it if he's listening. "I just had to stare at the old man who was staring at me."\n\nPlaying it cool. No big deal. After all, nothing //happened//. No reason to make a thing of it. <<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice">The damage is already done.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n[[You keep walking.|Almost to the Store]]
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<link href='http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Open+Sans' rel='stylesheet' type='text/css'><link href='http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Indie+Flower' rel='stylesheet' type='text/css'>I know you have your own name and identity. Maybe you consider yourself a pretty 'normal' person. Maybe you are isolated and marginalized. Maybe you're somewhere between those two things. Today you're not going to be you, though, you're going to be me.\n\nToday, you have to be me so that you can hear the <span class="voice">little voice that serves as this story's primary antagonist.</span>\n\nToday, your name is Caelyn and this is [[the story of when nothing happened and then your brain ate itself|Cis Gaze]].\n\n<span class="voice">(content warnings: this game features imagery containing transphobia, transmisogyny, slurs, depression, scabs and blood)\n\n(also swears)</span>
The Walgreens is only three blocks away.\n\nYou are in just about as good of a mood as you have been this week, which isn't saying much but it is something. You are about to have pizza and cocktails with your friends. You love pizza and cocktails.\n\nYour Maryland friends<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice"> (one of whom keeps misgendering you but you're inclined to be understanding; he's known you for a really long time and these adjustments are very hard)</span><<endtimedinsert>> are telling you about a cool creative card game called [[Superfight|http://superfight.myshopify.com/]] that's basically like Cards Against Humanity or Apples to Apples but instead it's about superheroes and villains with randomized powers and flaws fighting each other. You don't like many card games but this is right up your alley and you're super psyched to play it.\n\nIt reminds you of a game that one of your former coworkers just ran a successful kickstarter for called [[Billionaire Banshee|https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1857968438/billionaire-banshee-party-entertainment-system]]. You start telling your friends all about it<<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice"> in a low, raspy voice -- you had a cold last week and anyway you have a long way to go with your girlvoice --</span><<endtimedinsert>> while the three of you walk.\n\nThere's <<replace>>some old guy<<becomes>>an older man with dark skin, very short white hair, slow gait walking down the sidewalk. He's dressed casual and plain, the kind of appearance that makes you assume that he just wants to mind his own busines and you mind yours. Your little party is likely to pass him once you're<<endreplace>> [[across the street|Across the Street]].
You get home and tell your partner and the friend who stayed home about the asshole old guy. They are comforting and helpful, and your demons quiet down.\n\n<<timedinsert 2s>>You play the game that you were looking forward to playing and it is every bit as fun as you hoped it would be. There's pizza and laughter and you make some classic cocktails and then you get lazy and everybody just has cuba libres and dark and stormies.\n\nEventually your friends all <<insert "take their leave">> and you're left alone<<gains>>\n\n<span class="voice">with your thoughts.</span>\n\n[[and the demons creep back|brain worms]]<<endinsert>><<endtimedinsert>>
Selected Excerpt of chat conversation, 2014-05-26\n\n<<replace "read">>''partnerboots''\nI love you very much\nbut I do want to ask you if you really feel up to reading hateful transmisogynistic things on the Internet today\n\n<<replace "send">>''inurashii''\n::sigh::\nyeah that is fair.\nit's just upsetting because I found that hashtag helpful for solidarity purposes\nand then some conservative douchebag decided to shit on it.\n\n<<replace "read">>''partnerboots''\nThat's understandable but\nIt's not feeding you anymore at that point\n\n<<replace "send">>''inurashii''\nno, it's true.\nI will walk away.\nit's just hard.\n(also, whenever I see a gross tweet, I do immediately block the person so I won't see any future stuff from them, so even when I'm ill-behaved I at least do something useful.)\n\n<<replace "read">>''partnerboots''\nI know\nAlso\nYou aren't ill-behaved\nIt is just that this stuff drains you\n\n<<replace "send">>''inurashii''\nWell, it is not the best behavior when I drive headfirst into stuff that is not healthy for me\n<<replace "send">>but sometimes I almost feel compelled to\n\n[[move on]]<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>
Oh! Uh, ok.\n\nIf you want to play my games, you should check out [[my Patreon|http://www.patreon.com/inurashii]]:\n[[http://www.patreon.com/inurashii]]\n\nClick the 'Creations' tab to see a listing of my public releases. There's also an interactive serial novel that only people who pledge to me get to play (even if they only pledge a dollar).\n\nMost of my games are fun fantasy stuff rather than being trans and whiny, so if you prefer the former to the latter, check 'em out.\n\nThanks for your interest in my other work!\n\nAnyway, if you're still willing, let's get back to [[the story|Cis Gaze]].
There are a lot of people loitering around the Walgreens, maybe because the weather is nice.\n\n<<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice">are they staring at you?</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice"> ugh, no. not everything is about you.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice"> these people are normal people and they have better things to do than to judge you.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice"> ... just ... don't look at them and it won't matter.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nYou walk a little too fast for your friends. <<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice">You just want to do the errand and go home.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n[[You make it to Walgreens.|Shopping]]
You have a few Random City Encounters on the way home: a guy in a slash-style top hat who declares that Guns n' Roses is racist. A guy who yells something unintelligible from his car, whom your friend suspects was calling him a coward for crossing the street later than you.\n\n<span class="voice">You don't care. They're all strangers, and you are done with strangers.</span>\n\n[[You make it home.|Safety]]
Your Maryland friends go to find the stuff they came to get. \n\nYou grab a basket and walk to the soda aisle<<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice">, head ducked, taking up as little space as you can manage</span><<endtimedinsert>>.\n* [[Grab a 2L of Coke][$coke to true]]\n* [[Grab a 2L of Ginger Ale]]
You stand in line<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice">, head ducked,</span><<endtimedinsert>> while your friends joke with a clerk.<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice"> Soon you can go home and stay there.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nYou're called up. Do you have your store card? Yes. That'll be this much. There you go. Thank you <font color=red>''sir''</font>.\n\n[[You and your friends leave.|Home Stretch]]
Eventually the conservatives get bored and the forces of good take the hashtag back. But you're still kind of reeling. You want to be more durable.\n\nPeople tell you to let the haters hate and live your life big and out and proud, and ... you do. You will. You will get up every time you're knocked down.\n\nGoodness knows you're out there. Your life is not private. Hell, you've even thought about making and releasing a twine game about some of the most vulnerable topics of your life.\n\n[[How's that for being 'out'?|Little Voice]]
<font size=+2>''Cis Gaze''</font>\na <<insert "story">> (not really a game; [[I write those too|my games]], but this is more of a story)<<endinsert>> about how big the little stuff is\n<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice">and why.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>[[start|The Background]]<<endtimedinsert>>
Cis Gaze
<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="bigvoice">Don't look at them looking at you.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>>\n<span class="bigvoice">Don't look at you looking at you.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 8s>><span class="bigvoice">\nIf you pick at that, it will bleed.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 11s>>\n<span class="voice">Scratch.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 13s>>\n<span class="voice">Scratch.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 15s>>\n<span class="voice">Scra</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 16s>><span class="voice">a</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 17s>><span class="voice">a</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 18s>><span class="voice">a</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 19s>><span class="voice">a</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 20s>><span class="voice">atch.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 21s>><span class="voice">\n.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 22s>><span class="voice">\n.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 23s>><span class="voice">\n.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 24s>><span class="bigvoice">\n[[.|end]]</span><<endtimedinsert>>
<<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice">coward.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice"> impostor.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 8s>><span class="voice"> attention whore.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 12s>><span class="voice"> you're just mentally ill.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 15s>><span class="voice"> you just want 'queer cred'.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n<<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice">wimp.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 6s>><span class="voice"> thin-skinned.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 11s>><span class="voice"> you enjoy complaining.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 13s>><span class="voice"> sympathy-seeker.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 14s>><span class="voice"> you knew this would happen.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice">ugly.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice"> disgusting.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice"> shemale.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 9s>><span class="voice"> tranny.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 16s>><span class="voice"> you'll never look like a woman.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n<<timedreplace 3s>><<becomes>><span class="voice"> nothing happened.</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> nothing happened.</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> //nothing happened.//</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> //''nothing happened!''//</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> //''NOTHING. HAPPENED.''//</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> //''NOTHING HAPPENED!!''//</span><<becomes>><span class="voice"> //''WHY CAN'T YOU LET GO OF A THING WHERE NOTHING HAPPENED''//</span><<endtimedreplace>>\n\n<<timedinsert 5s>>When you were little, you got a lot of bug bites.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>> Mom told you time and again not to pick at the scabs.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 9s>> But when something itches on your body<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 11s>> you scratch it.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 13s>> You knew that you shouldn't<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 15s>> but you couldn't help it<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 17s>> and you're left with blood running down your leg<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 19s>> staining your socks and fingernails<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 21s>>\n\nand it's all<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 22s>>\nyour<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 23s>>\n[[fault|CisGaze]]<<endtimedinsert>>
Um. Where's the ginger ale? <<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice">fffffffffff</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nHow does Walgreens not have ginger ale?<<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice"> You just wanted to grab soda and leave.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n[[You keep looking for the ginger ale]].
You try to start talking again, but you're too distracted for the moment.\n\nThe old man is glaring at you as he walks. Specifically you. <<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice">You can't remember the last time you saw someone express such naked disgust toward a stranger.</span><<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice">He is judging you and you are very badly wanting.</span><<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice">It is not a subtle expression. You disgust him. Your appearance makes him angry.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n[[You pass the old man.|Past the old man]]
Two of your friends from Maryland are in town! They've both known you for over a decade and they're around just for the weekend.\n\nThis morning you went to your town's schmancy brunch place. You love going to <<insert "restaurants">>, especially now. Waitstaff are the only strangers who are consistently polite to you<span class="voice">, and sometimes they don't even misgender you</span><<endinsert>>.\n\nYour last laser appointment was relatively recent, so you laid on a //lot// of makeup to cover up the dark patches on your chin. You wore a gentle gold eyeshadow and layered a bit of bronzer over your lipstick to get a subtler, daytime look. <<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice"> You may not look like a cis woman, but at least people should know what you're going for.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nBrunch was great! The waitress was super chatty in that cutely gossipy New England style. Now you're home and your housemates are ordering pizza.\n\nOh, there's no soda. But there's a Walgreens down the street, and one of the Maryland peeps needs something from there.\n\n[[Errand time!|Outside]]
This game was by you, Caelyn Sandel, who is also me. We're @inurashii on just about everything.\n\nStarring you as Caelyn\nDisgusted old man as himself\nMy friends as themselves\nPartnerboots as herself\n[[The Kyriarchy|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyriarchy]] as the environment to which we are subjected daily aganst our will\n\nIf you liked this, please feel free to tell me so! :)\nIf you hated this, please say nothing and leave me alone :C\nIf you felt kinda so-so about it, do what you want I guess :I\n\nIf you want to see my other work or are interested in helping support me as a creator, please visit my Patreon:\n[[http://patreon.com/inurashii]]\nYou can play my other games there and also pledge as little as a dollar a month to help me make a living as a storyteller.
the end\n\n<font size=+2>''Cis Gaze''</font>\n\ninspired by a thing that happened\nand a hashtag that also happened.\n\nthank you for playing.\n\n[[credits]]
You glance back. The old man has turned so that he can continue to glare at you. <<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice">Disgusting freak.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice"> How dare you show your face looking like that.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 6s>><span class="voice"> How dare you leave your home.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 8s>><span class="voice"> Women are supposed to be nice to look at. You aren't.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nMercifully, your pedestrian instincts kick in, honed from decades of urban public commuting. And those instincts say: <<timedinsert 12s>><font color=#cc00cc>'''it's rude to stare'''</font>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 15s>>\n\nYou stop in your tracks, turn your full body, and stare right back into his sneering face. After a few moments, he loses his nerve or interest and turns away from you.\n\n[[You turn around too and start walking again.|Back to Walking]]<<endtimedinsert>>
<<timedreplace 1s>>You<<becomes>><span class="voice">Futilely trying to pitch your gravel-driveway voice up</span>, you<<endtimedreplace>> continue discussing creative board and card games.\n\nYou walk past the tiny used car lot and its signs wedged into the popped hoods of a dozen cars. One of the signs is upside down. You'll pass the old man soon. Um ... he's staring. <<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice">Is his resting face usually that mean-looking?</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice"> You somehow doubt it.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nYour voice kind of trails off as you [[walk|Passing the Old Man]].
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You grab a 2L bottle of Coke and toss it in your basket. Ok almost done.<<timedinsert 1s>><span class="voice"> You wanna go home.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\n* [[Grab a 2L of Ginger Ale]]
You're a third of the way through laser hair removal on your face, which you're very self-conscious about because you have persistent, patchy 5 o' clock shadow that's worse right after a laser session. Also, you're ... <<replace "stocky">><span class="voice">built like a hirsute off-season linebacker</span><<endreplace>>.\n\nBasically you're not going to assume that any stranger will mistake you for being [[cis|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender]]. Not anytime soon. You wear fake breasts to make your figure feel a little less alien and unwelcome and you're also pretty skilled with makeup, but this stuff is more to combat your own dysphoria than to 'fool' anyone.\n\nGoing outside is kind of a thing you have to rev yourself up to do. You avoid public bathrooms. You've stopped going to the gym you already joined and paid for because they don't have a unisex changing room <<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice">and you don't want to feel like a freak</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice"> or get yelled at</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 6s>><span class="voice"> or kicked out</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice"> or beat up</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice">.</span><<endtimedinsert>>\n\nYour transition takes up a lot of your thoughts and energy.\n[[But it's not like your life has stopped.|Seeing Friends]]
A bit later the twitter hashtag #[[CisGaze|https://twitter.com/search?q=%23CisGaze]] appears.\n\nIn it, trans women, men, and nonbinary trans people share their experiences of a society that considers their gender worthy of scrutiny and judgment every minute of their lives.<<timedinsert 2s>><span class="voice">\n\nExperiences of being afraid to go outside because you never know whether today is the day that somebody wants a target.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>>\n\nIt makes you feel a little better to hear and share these experiences.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 6s>>\n\nBut then a conservative 'comedian' finds the hashtag\nand his followers think it is <font color=red>''hilarious''</font>\n\nand you just [[can't look away|chat]]<<endtimedinsert>>
But there's a <span class='voice'>little, nasty part of you</span> that takes it all in and believes it. Every piece of TERF bullshit, of drag queen shade, every <span class='voice'>scathing look from a random stranger a block from your house who just wants everyone to be normal in public.\n\nIt tells you to stay in your cave, that your gender identity is something to do in private, so you should probably just keep to yourself.\n\nIt reminds you that society trained you with that Cis Gaze too, and it keeps looking for it from others.</span>\n\n[[It keeps leading you to pick at that scab.|itchy]]
water water water smart water seltzer seltzer<<timedinsert 1s>> black tea green tea coconut water pineapple<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice"> he looked so angry</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice">, like your gender presentation had punched his kid</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2s>> gatorade gatorade gatorade gatorade gatorade powerade<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice"> you've seen people look that disgusted at ''things'', but never at people. never at you.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 8s>><span class="voice"> or you were just too privileged to notice when it happened to people around you. that's much more likely.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>> monster red bull rockstar starbucks frappuccino doubleshot<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>><span class="voice"> you didn't even do anything. he was mad at you just for not looking enough like yourself.</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>> quik muscle milk boost ensure <<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 4s>><span class="voice"> just ... fuck</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 5s>> coke sprite orange dr pepper root beer 7up<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>><span class="voice"> you are way too thin-skinned and you know it</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 6s>> cranberry juice orange juice orange mango pineapple juice pom wonderful<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 8s>><span class="voice"> it shouldn't be bothering you this much. let it go</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7s>> orangeade grapeade mangoade green machine protein machine<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 9s>><span class="voice"> why can't you stop thinking about an old man looking at you funny?</span><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 10s>>\n\nAnd how is it even possible that a Walgreens doesn't have ginger ale?\n\nYou give up, grab a bottle of sprite, and go to [[find your friends|Find Your Friends]].<<endtimedinsert>>
Your name is Caelyn. That wasn't what you called yourself a year ago, though.\n\n[[What you did call yourself is not germane to this story|More Background]]<<timedinsert 3s>><span class="voice"> and you're trying to stop associating it with yourself anyway.</span><<endtimedinsert>>
Caelyn Sandel<br><font color=yellow>[[@inurashii|http://patreon.com/inurashii]]</font>
You're a trans woman.\n\nYou only came out very recently. You've known that you were genderqueer for a long time, but it took a while to tell people that you were not [[cisgender|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender]], and things cascaded from there. You're luckier than a lot of trans women, because you have a supportive partner, friends, and even your immediate family. You know that most trans people can't say the same.\n\nOn the other hand, you're really publicly active on the internet and have already gotten a lot of flak from <<insert "strangers">><span class="voice">, mainly insulting your appearance and occasionally your words too</span><<endinsert>>. You try to let it roll off your back, which is easier some days than others. You take SSRIs for the depression you were diagnosed with over a decade ago, which was in remission for a long time but is back now.\n\n[[You have a lot of body dysphoria|This Mortal Shell]].
You rendezvous with your friends and complain about the lack of ginger ale. The friend that you dated in high school expresses her disbelief, walks you back to the aisle, and immediately finds the ginger ale, tucked behind another kind of soda. You grab the ginger ale <<if $coke is false>>and a bottle of coke<<else>>and put it next to the coke<<endif>>.\n\n<<replace>>You are embarrassed.<<becomes>><span class="voice">Christ, you must really be out of it.</span><<endreplace>>\n\nThe friend you never dated couldn't find an ATM, so [[you get in line|Queued]].