Pensacola Bay Bridge

All right. It's eleven. You've put it off long enough. It's time to go to bed. After all, you have that appointment out on Gulf Breeze tomorrow. Why did you make that appointment for 8 a.m.? [[Because you thought it'd be fine.]] [[To get it over with early.]]

Yeah, right. You should have known better. Why do you do this to yourself? You sigh and get into bed. [[You fall asleep quickly.]] [[You can't sleep.]]

Well. It's a good idea in theory, but in practice, it sucks. You sigh and get into bed. [[You fall asleep quickly.]] [[You can't sleep.]]

But you jolt awake at 2:30 in the morning. Maybe it was a nightmare? Well, you have to pee anyway. After taking care of business, it takes you an hour to fall back to sleep. Then you wake up at 5:30 a.m., a half hour before your alarm. [[Coffee. Coffee will help.]] [[You're already a bit jittery. Better make it decaf.]]

12:37: You try some deep breathing. 1:03: You use the meditation app. Twice. 1:27: You take some Tylenol PM. 5:54: You still wake up before your alarm. [[Coffee. Coffee will help.]] [[You're already a bit jittery. Better make it decaf.]]

You down a cup before you go and grab a latte at the Starbucks off Bayou, too. You're basically on autopilot until you hit Bayfront Parkway and prepare to cross the bay. [[There it is.]]

You're both tired and wide awake, somehow. You're basically on autopilot until you hit Bayfront Parkway and prepare to cross the bay. [[There it is.]]

[[Pensacola Bay Bridge.]]

You take a deep breath. [[It's fine.]]

[[It'll be fine.]]

Conditions are perfect. It's not raining. Eastbound traffic is light. You're in the left-hand lane, away from the edge, and no one is tailgating you. You can take your time. It'll be fine. [[It's not fine.]]

Focus on your breathing: Breathe in - two - three - four - five. Breathe out - two - three - four - five - six - seven. Breathe in - two - three - four - five. Breathe out - two - three - four - five - six - seven. Breathe in - two - three - four - five. Breathe out - two - three - four - five - six - seven. [[Shit.]]

[[Shit-shit-shit.]]

Your heart's pounding. You can hear it in your ears. You're cold. Clammy. You turn on the air anyway, full blast. [[It's almost here.]]

It's here. You're going up the bridge's incline. Rising higher above the water. Your forearms and hands are starting to tingle. Fuck. You have to breathe. Breathein-two-three-four-five-breatheout-two-three-four-five-six-seven. You have to breathe. You have to breathe. You have to breathe. [[Fuck.]]

You feel light-headed. You're not going to faint. You're not going to faint. You're not going to faint. You have to breathe. You're not going to faint. You've never fainted before. You're not going to faint. [[You're at the top.]]

breatheintwothreefourfivebreatheouttwothreefour fivesixsevenbreatheintwothreefourfivebreatheout twothreefourfivesixsevenbreatheintwothreefourfive breatheouttwothreefourfivesixsevenbreatheintwothree fourfivebreatheouttwothreefourfivesixsevenbreathein twothreefourfivebreatheouttwothreefourfivesixseven breatheintwothreefourfivebreatheouttwothreefourfive sixsevenbreatheintwothreefourfivebreatheouttwothree fourfivesixsevenbreatheintwothreefourfivebreatheout twothreefourfivesixseven okay okay okay okay. Okay. You're off the hill. [[Another mile of bridge, but you're off the hill.]]

You're shaking. You're shaking, but you're breathing. You didn't faint. Obviously. You never do. You're still shaking. Your heart is still pounding. A little less, but it's still pounding. [[You need to get out of the car.]]

You stop at the Gulf Breeze Panera and order a bagel. You'll have to go soon to get to your appointment on time, but for now, you slump in a corner booth, and try not cry. [[Maybe you shouldn't have had that coffee.]] [[This was why you skipped the coffee.]]

But you got shit for sleep last night. You still would have felt like garbage. [[Did it even matter?]]

[[Did it even matter?]]

The last time you went over this bridge, you were fine. [[Well, mostly fine.]]

Your bagel comes. You dab your eyes on the brown paper napkin and start spreading your cream cheese. [[Can you go back that way?]] [[You can't go back that way.]]

Maybe you should try. I mean, you made it. You always make it. You never actually faint. You never actually fall off the bridge. Of course you don't. It's stupid. It's so stupid. Why do you...? [[You should try to go back that way.]] [[You can't go back that way.]]

Instead, after your appointment, you take 98 East out to Navarre, then 87 up to 90. Technically, you could take 87 up to I-10, but the I-10 bridge is worse. So you take 90 through Milton and Pace. Since you're going to Navarre anyway, you stop at the only Culver's within a thousand miles of the Midwest and get a burger and frozen custard for lunch. Flavor of the day is Chocolate Eclair, so at least there's that. That morning, it took you thirty minutes to get to Gulf Breeze. It takes you ninety to get home. You make it home without incident, but it's just.... [[It's stupid.|Stupid.]] [[It's so stupid.|Stupid.]]

After your appointment, as you're leaving the doctor's office, you over hear some people talking: "...wreck on the Pensacola Bay Bridge. Traffic is way backed up. We'll have to do Fish House some other day." [[You can't go back that way.]]

But, hey, at least you got some custard.