bloom

You awaken, but you're not awake, not really. Tendrils of sleep's murky darkness swirl around your head, pulling you down, [[down...|sleep]] A strip of blazing sunlight burns bright against your duvet, stretching out from the gap in your curtains like a slit through space-time. {(set: $spoons to (random: 7, 65))(set: $shower to 0)(set: $makeup to 0)(set: $dress to 0)(set: $breakfast to 0)(if: $spoons > 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, and it feels like you slept maybe five.](if: $spoons < 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, but it feels like you've not slept for a week.](if: $spoons is 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, but it feels like you've not slept for a week.]} It's time to get up. Rolling out from under the covers, your bones creak, [[your bag of spoons|spoons]] rattles. {(if: $spoons > 15)[From the sound, and from the lack of pain shooting through you, you think you can manage even a normal day today. A small hope blooms in your chest--but it always pays to be careful](if: $spoons < 15)[From the sound, you don't think you have many to spare today. Best be careful.](if: $spoons is 15)[From the sound, you don't think you have many to spare today. Best be careful.]} [[shower|shower]] [[make breakfast|breakfast]] [[get dressed|dress]] [[put on your face|makeup]]

Bloom

saf davidson

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)The ssssshhhhhhhh of the steaming water reminds you of the nearby ocean. As the water swirls around the shower floor, you imagine the dirt from your night's sleep melting away with it.} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stand in hot stream, thinking|shower 2]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[wash hair|wash hair]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[wash face|wash face]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[clean self|wash body]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get out|shower out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $face to 0)(set: $hair to 0)(set: $body to 0)(set: $shower to 0)(set: $breakfast to 0)(set: $dress to 0)(set: $makeup to 0)(if: $spoons is 0)[You're not sure where you are anymore, but you know from the silence of your bag that you're out of spoons. The vines wrap themselves around your heavy, heavy body. They drag you down with them, into the darkness.](if: $spoons < 0)[You're not sure where you are anymore, but you know from the silence of your bag that you're out of spoons. The vines wrap themselves around your heavy, heavy body. They drag you down with them, into the darkness.](if: $spoons > 0 and < 10)[You crawl into bed and let the darkness hanging heavy over your shoulders take you. As you slip into that tarlike pit of exhaustion, you feel the vines creep their way over your chest...](if: $spoons is 10)[You crawl into bed and let the darkness hanging heavy over your shoulders take you. As you slip into that tarlike pit of exhaustion, you feel the vines creep their way over your chest...]}(if: $spoons > 10)[you fall into bed and let its softness envelop you, gentle and warm. Spoons clink reassuringly in your bag, a sweet lullaby to your ears. As you drift off to what you hope is a restful sleep, you see a bed of flowers, roses, maybe, behind your eyes... as you sleep, they open their petals just a little... ...blooming...] [[awaken|wake up]]

body/hair/face = 1 is done, 0 is not shower/dress/breakfast/makeup = "" meal = "" kitchen = "" DO NOT RESET (set: $face to 0)(set: $hair to 0)(set: $body to 0)(set: $shower to 0)(set: $breakfast to 0)(set: $dress to 0)(set: $makeup to 0)(set: $meal to 0)

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $breakfast to 1)Hunger gnaws at you, just as insistent as your constant fatigue. {(if: $kitchen is 0)[The kitchen is still a mess from yesterday, all heaped in the sink and covered in the remains of yesterday's food. Maybe you should get to that, but then... maybe not.](if: $kitchen is 1)[The kitchen doesn't sparkle, but boy it feels good that it's clean. You're a little proud of past you for cleaning up yesterday after eating.]} Luckily, your kitchen is pretty well-stocked for once. There's fresh milk in the fridge, cereals in the cupboard, a full loaf of that bread you love, a whole carton of free range eggs, and even ingredients for pancakes. But what do you feel like today? And more importantly, what do you feel like you can handle today? {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[I gotta clean this place up before I eat, it looks atrocious!|clean kitchen]]](if: $kitchen < 0)[[[I gotta clean this place up before I eat, it looks atrocious!|clean kitchen]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Just some toast, maybe some peanut butter|toast]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Scrambled eggs, surely protein will make me feel better|eggs]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Cereal, but straight out of the box. I'm tired, nobody judge me|cerealdry]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[Screw my illness, I want pancakes!|pancakes]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $dress to 1)(set: $pjs to 0)You open your closet and survey your clothes. Some are nice, some are very nice, some are simply okay. Sometimes all you need is okay. Today you feel like you can handle... (if: $spoons > 0)[[[something nice|nice clothes]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[something very nice|nice nice clothes]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[something okay|okay clothes]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[actually, I just want to stay in my jimjams|jimjams]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

You are sick. Maybe you know the reason, maybe you don't—maybe you've been labelled with something that really means, "We don't know what's wrong with you." Either way, you're sick. Your friends don't talk to you as much as they used to, and suddenly you're out of work, while it feels as if gravity has increased for you alone as the rest of the world remains the same. You've become that person in those photos who's frozen in time, the world around you a rushing blur. You feel like that rose, the one from Beauty and the Beast, trapped and dropping petals as the days go by. How long can you go on like this? you wonder. As you leave your doctor's office, they give you a bag. Looking in the bag, you find a bundle of spoons. As you rifle through them, the number of spoons constantly changes, fluctuating like the darkness at the edge of your vision. "Don't run out of spoons," your doctor says. But how do I know how many I really have? you ask. [["You don't."|...]] (set: $kitchen to 0)

[[........................|awaken]] (bloom saf davidson)

The bag of spoons always weighs heavy on your shoulders, and as it empties it grows heavier still. You don't know why, but each time you do something you seem to lose spoons, as if there's a quantum hole they fall through as you move. But there is no hole, or rip, or tear. There is only your illness, and it devours every part of you it can reach with its crushing tendrils. You know by now: you have to be wary. Your spoons are your only defense from the ever-present darkness lurking at the edge of your mind, those sharp vines waiting to drag you back into their sickly embrace. As you sleep, your spoons seem to grow back; the more you sleep, the more they grow—or so you'd think. Mostly the amount seems random, sometimes enough to last the day, sometimes enough to just eat breakfast. It hardly seems fair, but then, <center>[[illnesses are never fair.|awaken]]</center>

(set: $face to 0)(set: $hair to 0)(set: $body to 0)(set: $shower to 0)(set: $breakfast to 0)(set: $dress to 0)(set: $makeup to 0)The vines grip your wrists, your chest, your throat, and they pull you down, down down down <center>until you don't remember where you are anymore.</center> Not that it matters, not anymore. Maybe tomorrow you'll do better... Maybe one day you'll learn... [[awaken|wake up]]

You awaken, but you're not awake, not really. Tendrils of sleep's murky darkness swirl around your head, pulling you down, [[down...|sleep]] Your memories are foggy and grey-black. Somehow, you made it back to your bed, though you can't remember how. Perhaps the vines dragged you back to rest, your arms crossed across your chest. A strip of blazing sunlight burns bright against your duvet, stretching out from the gap in your curtains like a slit through space-time. {(set: $spoons to (random: 7, 65))(set: $shower to 0)(set: $makeup to 0)(set: $dress to 0)(set: $breakfast to 0)(if: $spoons > 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, and it feels like you slept maybe five.](if: $spoons < 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, but it feels like you've not slept for a week.](if: $spoons is 15)[Surely it's past midday; you've slept over twelve hours, but it feels like you've not slept for a week.]} It's time to get up. Rolling out from under the covers, your bones creak, [[your bag of spoons|spoons]] rattles. {(if: $spoons > 15)[From the sound, and from the lack of pain shooting through you, you think you can manage even a normal day today. A small hope blooms in your chest--but it always pays to be careful](if: $spoons < 15)[From the sound, you don't think you have many to spare today. Best be careful.](if: $spoons is 15)[From the sound, you don't think you have many to spare today. Best be careful.]} [[shower|shower]] [[make breakfast|breakfast]] [[get dressed|dress]] [[put on your face|makeup]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $clean to ($body + $face + $hair))(set: $shower to 1)Turning the shower off, you let the water drip from your body. [[tp tp tp|doctor]] {(if: $clean is 3)[You feel as good as you've felt in weeks, despite how much sleep you may have gotten.](if: $clean is 0)[The water warmed you some, but the sticky, slimy residue of sleep stubbornly sticks to you still.](if: $clean is 1)[You feel cleaner, but still some of sleep's sticky residue stubbornly clings to parts of you](if: $clean is 2)[You feel cleaner, but still some of sleep's sticky residue stubbornly clings to parts of you]} (if: $dress is 1)[You slip on clothes you just chose, then look in the mirror. Is it really possible for someone to have such dark rings around their eyes?] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[make breakfast|breakfast]]]] {(if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]](if: $makeup is 3)[[[put on your face again|makeup]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $hair to 1)} Lather, rinse, wash. Lather, rinse, wash. Repetitive, somewhat tiring, but rewarding. You feel less greasy, less gross, more like a normal person should. Fresh, green leaves sprout from your hair. They seem healthy, friendly. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stand in hot stream, thinking|shower 2]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash face|wash face]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $body is 0)[[[clean self|wash body]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get out|shower out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $face to 1)} As you work the face wash into your skin, you feel as if you're washing away the dirt left by those sickly vines, the residue left by the sticky darkness. When it's gone you feel lighter, brighter, better. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stand in hot stream, thinking|shower 2]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hair is 0)[[[wash hair|wash hair]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $body is 0)[[[clean self|wash body]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get out|shower out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]] (set: $makeup to 3)

{(set: $body to 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)} You lather up, then lather down, the scent of your body wash fresh and reviving. There's nothing like feeling clean, especially when some days doing even that is too, too much. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stand in hot stream, thinking|shower 2]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hair is 0)[[[wash hair|wash hair]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash face|wash face]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get out|shower out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(if: $spoons > 2)[The steam fogs the mirror, but clears some of the fog from your mind] (if: $spoons is 2)[The steam fogs the mirror, and it fogs your mind, too] (if: $spoons is 1)[The steam fogs the mirror, and it fogs your mind, too] (if: $spoons < 1)[You go to reach for a bottle, but find yourself on the floor, space flickering at the edge of your vision as the water pours down on you like so much rain.]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stand in hot stream, thinking|shower 2]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hair is 0)[[[wash hair|wash hair]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash face|wash face]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $body is 0)[[[clean self|wash body]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get out|shower out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)You feel like a normal person, though the rattle of your spoons is less than you'd like. Still, it feels good to get out of your pyjamas and into something pretty normal, maybe something you'd even leave the house in. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[have breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)You slip into something nice, and you feel pretty good about yourself though your spoons bag rattles menacingly. Exhaustion clutches at you for a moment, you stumble and right yourself against your wall. Still, you think as you look in the mirror, you look like you could take on the world in this. Damn. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[have breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)You slip on some clothes. They're not very pretty, and you wouldn't want to go into public like this, but they sure are comfy. Your spoons bag rattles, but you don't think you lost too many getting into this. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[have breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $pjs to 1)You stick to your pjs. They're easy, they're comfy, they take no energy. Maybe there's a dead vine or two still clinging to the pants, but the rattle of your spoons bag gives you a good feeling about your jams. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[have breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $makeup to 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)You think maybe if you can hide the exhaustion written on your face, those dark shadows looming under your eyes, that you'll quash that bone-deep exhaustion within. Friends see you sometimes, when you're plain-faced and half-dead, and they say, "You look so tired. Why don't you sleep more?" But I sleep so much, you reply. "Sleep more." (if: $spoons > 0)[[[You know what? I look fine as I am, screw this.|no makeup]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[I'll look like I've slept the minimum needed--the no-makeup look|natural makeup]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[I'm gonna look nice today, maybe I'll see people|pretty makeup]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[I want to look damn fine, I'm gonna go all out|extreme makeup]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 4)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 2)(set: $meal to 1)}You can basically feel your spoons melt away like the butter on the pan, but just the smell of the pancakes fills you with joy. It's not often you treat yourself like this, but it feels good. Your spoons bag weighs heavily on your shoulders, but the pancakes sit in your stomach like syrupy clouds. {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]](if: $kitchen < 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[have a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)(set: $meal to 1)}You spread some peanut butter, maybe some jam, onto toast that is golden-crunchy. The warmth of it seems to push away the vines clawing at your stomach, and with each bite you feel a little stronger. How long that will last, you can't say. {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]](if: $kitchen < 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[have a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)(set: $meal to 1)}You have to look after yourself some days, and that means taking it easy. Cereal is just as good right out of the box, and you're sure science would back that fact up. It may not be much, but at least you've got something in you to stave off the exhaustion. Better than nothing, right? {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]](if: $kitchen < 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[have a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 4)(set: $kitchen to 3)Soon enough the dishes fill the dishrack, not the sink. Though your fingers are raw and pink and your spoons bag sounds emptier, you can't help but look upon what you've done with pride. {(if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $meal is 0)[[[now for some food|breakfast]]](if: $meal is 1)[[[still hungry|breakfast]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[have a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)(set: $meal to 1)}Soft and rich, the scrambled eggs are exactly what you needed today. Maybe they took a little more effort, but they sit warmly in your stomach and you feel as if you glow just a little. You fear this won't last long, though. Soon, the vines will be back. {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]](if: $kitchen < 0)[[[Look at this mess I made, I should clean|clean kitchen]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[have a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $makeup is 0)[[[put on your face|makeup]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

So what if you look vaguely zombie-like? This is you and you shouldn't be ashamed, though you try to avoid looking at yourself for the rest of the day. Maybe a little bit of shame is okay, you think guiltily. Still, you've lost no spoons, and that's always a reason to feel at least a bit better about yourself. You crush a sneaking vine under your heel in victory. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[make breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]] (set: $makeup to 0)

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)If there's one thing you've learned from adulthood, it's how to conceal the shadows ringing your eyes. It doesn't seem much, but it still takes a bit out of you. Who knew looking alive could be so exhausting? (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[make breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)A little more effort, a little more mascara, and you look like you've put some effort--rather than just looking like a normal human being. Bat your eyes at your reflection, because you look pretty cute. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[make breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)Damn, you look good. Like, real good. They should put you on the cover of a magazine, blooming flowers in your hair--that's how good you look. Your spoons bag drags you down, but you can't find yourself feeling as bad when you look this fine. (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $dress is 0)[[[get dressed|dress]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $breakfast is 0)[[[make breakfast|breakfast]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $shower is 0)[[[take a shower|shower]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[stay in|stay in]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go out|go out]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

Blinding sunlight, woodsmoke scenting the air, wind stirring the branches of the trees lining the street; [[but it's all somehow far away|bubble]]. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[go for a walk|walk]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get groceries|groceries]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[get a coffee|coffee]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[go for a run|run]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep o]]]

{(set: $hobby to 0)}Home is safe, so you figure you'll stay in today. If your spoons deplete too far, at least your illness can't drag you down where you're alone and far away from home. There are heaps of things inside, too. Why not... (if: $spoons > 0)[[[binge on a show|show]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[play some games|game]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[do some baking|bake]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[do some reading|read]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[work on your project|project]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[invite over a friend|friend]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]] [[nap|sleep (nap)]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

Sleep is a curse. Sleep is a blessing. Some nights it welcomes you into its warm embrace, a soft bed of rose petals. Some nights the thorny vines toss and turn you as, desperately, you cling to that one thread of exhaustion, hoping it will take you away from this aching world. You never know how much you'll sleep, or how much you'll sleep. Some days you awaken able to run miles, and the next day you might find the same, and it feels like recovery. The next week, you'll lounge around reading all day, and the next day you're wracked with pain and fatigue. Hope wilts in your chest. You need sleep, but once you're there, it's hard to escape; God, you don't want to fall into those sickly, sticky, fatigued dreams. Eventually, you have to wake up, but please, no, [[you want to sleep more.|awaken]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)When you were a kid and you were home sick, your parents always said, "Watching tv will just make you feel worse." Now you're an adult, and you can do what you want with your sick self. What else are you supposed to do, anyway? [[Too bad you're almost too tired to watch more.|show cont]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)In video games you can do anything, things you couldn't do yourself--including even just walking through a town without losing HP. You guess your spoons are like HP of a kind, although more random, more unpredictable. [[Regardless, this game is fun.|game cont]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)There's something about creating a new thing from scratch. When you're sick, you forget how to exist in the world, you become a ghost against a fogged window; unseen, untouchable, closed off from those you love. But sometimes you can bring life into being: a poem, a story, a cake charred at the edges. They help to push away your illness' reaching vines, but they take your spoons as they do. Everything is give and take. At least you can eat the food. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[bread|bread]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[a cake|cake]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[muffins|muffins]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons -1)You pick up your phone to message someone, then realize there's no point. You throw your phone back onto your bed and leave it there, silent and lonely. Nobody's free to see you. Nobody's ever free to see you anymore. [["You're always too tired to do anything."|inside 2]]

Guess you've gotta go today alone, but that's nothing new really. The dark tendrils of your exhaustion make company enough, and another person would just steal your spoons while you're not watching them. Everyone's a thief to you, whether they mean it or not. Now you've got all the time in the world to... (if: $spoons > 0)[[[binge on a show|show]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[play some games|game]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[do some baking|bake]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[do some reading|read]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[work on your project|project]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to 4){(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)(set: $vacuumClean to 0)(set: $bedClean to 0)(set: $kitchenClean to 0)}You decide to clean. What better than some cathartic cleansing of your house? It almost makes you feel like you have some control. Almost. (if: $spoons > 3)[(if: $hobby is 1)[[[the whole shebang|clean whole house]]]] {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[clean the kitchen up|clean kitchen up]]]](if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen < 0)[[[clean the kitchen up|clean kitchen up]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[vacuum the place|vacuum]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[do some laundry|laundry]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[make your bed|make bed]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)Apart from sleep, books are the second-best way to feel as if you're escaping this heavy body. You have a few stacked by your bed, a couple more over on the coffee table. You've got some cool new novels, and a couple interesting non-fiction things. But... (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Do you want something easy?|read easy]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Or something more complicated?|read hard]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 5)Everyone needs a main project, be it a novel, a costume, whatever. It grows slowly as you weed it, water it, tend it with love and frustration--though you're often too tired to even think of working on it. Some days you pull spoons out of your bag and [[just chip away at it|dig]], knowing you're emptying your bag but uncaring right now. [[Maybe one day you'll see your ideas bloom.|project cont]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 10)Your spoons sound awfully empty, and while the house is nice and clean, you won't have time to enjoy it much today. Green sprouts pepper the floor, peeking up from among the dead leaves and vines of your illness littering the floor. You only hope they'll be flowers—[[not more vines.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 5)(set: $vacuumClean to 1)The howl of the vacuum drowns out the roaring in your head, and for a short while you fall into a relaxing zone of half-sleep and warmth, though your body aches as you move and your spoons ring like warning bells. Clang, clang, clang. (if: $hobby > 1)[It might be time for you to sit down. ](if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more cleaning|clean 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $laundryClean to 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)Your new load of laundry smells fresh and clean, like a crisp Spring morning; bright, white, soft. You could just dump them on your bedroom floor, easier than putting them away and losing precious spoons as you do. (if: $hobby > 1)[Oh, how freeing it must be to not [[worry about spoons.|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[fold and put the clothes away|fold clothes]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more cleaning|clean 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $bedclean to 1)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)As you smooth your blankets back from the chaos you reigned last night. A nicely made bed is a luxury, and it's not always one you can afford. [[You almost want to slip back into it now...|intermission]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more cleaning|clean 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]]

(set: $kitchen to 3)(set: $spoons to $spoons - 4)Soon enough the dishes fill the dishrack, not the sink. Though your fingers are raw and pink and your spoons bag sounds emptier, you can't help but look upon what you've done (if: $hobby > 1)[[[with pride.|intermission]]](if: $hobby < 2)[with pride.] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more cleaning|clean 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

Doing some cleaning makes you feel good as you brush away dead vines and dirt, revealing small, green sprouts within your dark home and heavy body. You decide to do more, despite your spoons bag's chiming complaints, your own weary bones. {(if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen is 0)[[[clean the kitchen up|clean kitchen up]]]](if: $spoons > 2)[(if: $kitchen < 0)[[[clean the kitchen up|clean kitchen up]]]]} (if: $spoons > 0)(if: $vacuumClean is 0)[[[vacuum the place|vacuum]]] (if: $spoons > 0)(if: $laundryClean is 0)[[[do some laundry|laundry]]] (if: $spoons > 0)(if: $bedClean is 0)[[[make your bed|make bed]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons + (random: 1, 5))(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)You may have slept more of your day away (isn't that every day, though?), but at least your spoons bag rattles a bit louder when you get back to your feet. Groggily, you wonder what it would be like to be healthy enough to [[never need sleep so much again|recovery]]. [[How are you still so tired?|intermission]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some baking|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[invite over a friend|friend]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap some more|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on on a show|show]]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)You fold and put away your newly washed clothes, almost giddy with excitement that you'll have clean clothes to pick from tomorrow. Some weeks, all you have is that one pair of jeans, that one sweater that's covered in your illness' sticky muck. [[Now you're almost like a real person.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)Is there anything better than a good book? You think not. You're not even sure you want to put this book down, your spoons aren't weighing much heavier than before, you think. [[Books are a godsend for a sick soul like you.|read more]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[read something harder|read more hard]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[bake something|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)Fog weighs heavily over your head, and words fade in and out of the darkness as you read. Still, a good mind workout is just what you needed. Soon, your brain will be mired in that clinging darkness, but for now [[you think you could read a little more.|read more hard]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[read something easier|read easy]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[bake something|bake]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[clean up the place|clean house]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)Your lids droop over your eyes more and more with each word you read. Before getting sick, you never would have thought just reading could be so exhausting. But here you are, [[nobody would write a story about you.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)Oh, you're feeling it now. That pounding in your head is familiar and frustrating--[[remember the days you could get through an entire book like this|first signs]] in one day, no worries? Those were the days, before those vines, that sticky darkness, [[those spiny tendrils.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 5)Dirt on your hands, hours melt into seconds as you are engrossed by your project. Emerging hours later, you find that the vines have grown up around you, their spines pulling at your clothes. [[Time to shake off.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)Dragging yourself from that universe is hard, especially when the real world is all dangling vines and hanging fog waiting for you to stumble into their grip. [[But the real world is where you live, unfortunately.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)Just watching your character run around in their own little world makes you feel wiped. You miss the days you could stay up all night slaying dragons, flying spaceships, saving the world, the galaxy, the universe. [[but you can't even save yourself|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)You think heaven probably smells like fresh baked bread. It probably tastes of it, too—if you were willing to lick that floor. (if: $hobby is 2)[[[Maybe you'll eat some later.|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more baking|baking 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 4)There's always a reason for cake. No party? No problem! You can eat this whole thing yourself. (if: $hobby is 2)[[[Too bad you're too tired to decorate.|intermission]]](if: $hobby < 2)[[[Nobody's going to see it, why bother decorating.|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[decorate the cake|decorate]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more baking|baking 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)Quick and easy, the best kind of baking when you've got your spoons clanging about in your bag. Placing the muffins on the cooling rack, you watch the steam rise from them, twisting, twisting (if: $hobby is 2)[[[just like the vines.|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some more baking|baking 2]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[binge on a show|show]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[play some games|game]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[do some reading|read]]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $hobby < 2)[[[work on your project|project]]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[nap|sleep (nap)]]] (if: $hobby < 2)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $hobby to $hobby + 1)Sure, you already made something, but why not make more? Your mouth waters at the thought of it, and the scent of baking already permeating the kitchen isn't helping. With that smell: a warm, amber light in your chest. What will you make now? (if: $spoons > 0)[[[bread|bread]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[a cake|cake]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[muffins|muffins]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)You ice the cake with little pink and red roses, licking icing from your fingers when you're done. What a pretty cake, too bad [[you've got nobody to share with|happy cake]]. [[Oh well, more for you.|intermission]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $dinner to 1)Food seems like the best idea, because after a hard day of whatever you've been doing—your memory's a little foggy on whatever it was—you need something to fill up on. You're almost at the end, almost at the point where you can collapse onto your bed and fall into oblivion, so maybe you can eat what you want without it hurting you too bad? (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Canned soup, simple and tasty—you hope|soup]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Pasta, sauce from the jar, little bit of cheese. Gourmet, right?|pasta]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[Cereal, straight of out of the box. It's been a tiring day|cerealdry2]]] (if: $spoons > 2)[[[Screw it, it's enchilada time|enchiladas]]] [[sleep|sleep (inside)]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $face to 1)You scrub the dirt and the sticky remains of the vines from your face. It almost seems like exhaustion seeps from your pores. Gross. You feel much cleaner now though(if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[, you might as well [[brush your teeth too|brush teeth]]]]. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $dinner is 0)[[[have dinner|dinner]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $teeth to 1)There's something cathartic about scrubbing your teeth clean, maybe because it feels somewhat like cleaning your insides out. Of course you can't ever scrub away that fatigue, but it doesn't stop you from trying. You feel much better with your minty fresh breath(if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $face is 0)[, you might as well [[wash your face too|wash face night]]]]. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $dinner is 0)[[[have dinner|dinner]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $pjs to 1)Oh yeah, it definitely feels good to be back in your pyjamas after a long day. What could be better than this? Just jims being jams. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $dinner is 0)[[[have dinner|dinner]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $dinner to 0)(set: $face to 0)(set: $teeth to 0)(if: $spoons < 1)[Once more you underestimated your spoons, and now you're out of energy. As you crawl towards bed your bag hangs empty, heavy, at your side. Tears well up inside you, but you don't have the energy to shed them. [[They would only feed the vines.|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[From the way your spoons bag rattles when you move, you've still got enough left for a little more. You'd love to waste your night watching a movie, but your stomach is rumbling and your face needs a good wash. (if: $spoons > 0)[[[have dinner|dinner]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] Then again, you could just [[sleep.|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)There's not much better than a good canned soup—except for, maybe, real soup. Still, you hardly ever have the spoons for that anymore, and the warm broth fills you with comfort. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)Nobody can judge you now, you're an adult and you can make any decision you want. The crunchy, dry cereal may not be a five-star experience, but at least you have some extra spoons to spare—or so you hope. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 4)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 2)Sometimes you just have to let those extra spoons go into something delicious, and on days like these enchiladas are the best option. What is the point of life if you can't have eat something good now and then? [[You just hope you won't regret it tomorrow.|guilt]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)(set: $kitchen to $kitchen - 1)It's a pasta party tonight, though you're the only person invited. There's something reassuring about pasta. Maybe it's the carbs, or the cheese. It takes a little more effort to cook and clean, but pasta is always worth it. (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $face is 0)[[[wash your face|wash face night]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $teeth is 0)[[[brush your teeth|brush teeth]]]] (if: $spoons >0)[(if: $pjs is 0)[[[change into your pyjamas|change into pjs]]]] (if: $spoons < 1)[[[sleep|sleep (inside)]]](if: $spoons > 0)[[[head to bed|sleep (inside)]]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 2)(if: $spoons > 4)[You go for a walk down to the bay. There is salt on the wind, and the taste of rain. Beneath your feet the sand is damp, cool, rough. Waves nip at your toes. [[You think you see a fish|shark]].](if: $spoons > 1 and < 5)[You notice that the wind doesn't feel so sharp anymore–or maybe it's just you. The sand, rough against your bare feet, doesn't looks so uncomfortable anymore. [[You think you see a fish|shark]].](if: $spoons < 1)[At first you think the roaring in your head is just the ocean, but that's just drowning out the soft lapping of the waves, the shrill call of the birds. Sit down, lie down, [[the sand is almost soft|sleep o]].]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[go home|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[keep walking|walk2]]]

Your whole life is spent trapped in a bubble, like the dying rose behind the glass. It's sometimes obvious, sometimes vague; always there. Beyond: warm light, sun shimmering through grass blades, clear sky, wind kissing your bare shoulders with cold lips. Within: dirt in your ears, waves lapping in the distance, vision without glasses, a summer breeze tickling the leaves outside while you're in a stuffy classroom half-asleep. Reach out, push against, concentrate sharper–but it will [[never burst.|go out]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 8)You know how they say never to get your groceries when you're hungry? The heavy bags hanging off your arms is a testament to that. You've gotten into a bad habit of trying to fix your lack of energy with food. Feeling tired? Have some chocolate. But spoons aren't made from sugar, or fat, or carbs. In fact, you don't really know where they come from. (if: $spoons < 2)[It's a sudden realization really, when you realize [[you can't make it home|mountains]]. You sit down with your bags, and [[wait for the vines|sleep o]].](if: $spoons > 1)[[[Your spoons bag feels heavier than ever.|intermission]]]

{(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)(if: $spoons > 0)[Near the beach is a park with a playground built like a pirate ship. On a good day, on a day without school, it's dominated by children and their bright voices. Today it's just you, wandering among the vines. Alone.](if: $spoons < 1)[You sit on the grass of the park, watching the waves as they ebb and flow. Is it getting dark, [[or is it just you?|sleep o]].]} (if: $spoons > 0)[[[head home|intermission]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 3)There's a little cafe that faces the beach with flowers hanging in baskets out front. A golden dog lounges next to a bowl of water, tounge lolling. You fear that crouching down to let the pup sniff your hand will leave you without the the strength to get back up again, so you pass the dog by. Something about the smell of a cafe feels like home; maybe it's the warmth of it that gives you that comforted feeling. [[If only you could stay here forever.|barista]] {(if: $spoons < 1)[Still, with your drink in your hand and a soft chair beneath you, you feel like you almost could. Rest your head on your arm, just close your eyes for a couple seconds. [[It's fine, you're just resting them|sleep o]].]}(if: $spoons > 0)[[[go home|intermission]]] (if: $spoons > 0)[[[go for a walk to the park|walk2]]]

(set: $spoons to $spoons - 1)"Have you tried running?" You have, actually, and sometimes you even enjoy it. On a quiet afternoon like this, with dappled light filtering through leaves on the sidewalk, there's almost nothing you'd rather than a light jog around the bay. {(if: $spoons > 5)[After your run you feel PUMPED, like you could take on the entire world. So what if your spoons bag rattles a little less now? At least you feel good. You [[walk home|intermission]] with a spring in your step, not thinking of the [[pain you'll be in tomorrow.|fever]]]}{(if: $spoons > 1 and < 6)[Afterwards, you figure you could feel better, but [[you could feel worse|fever]]. Your chest heaves with every breath you take, but your head is blissfully empty. [[Time to head home.|intermission]]](if: $spoons < 2)[You start strong, but soon enough you taste that iron on your tongue, feel that inferno in your chest. Your legs ache, the vines gripping at your heels every step you take. It feels almost like [[your body is falling apart.|sleep o]]]}

You once went to an aquarium with a friend, back before they stopped asking you along to things. Brimming with energy, they led you into the dimness. You grasped at the overflow, grinning as they grinned. At first the fish glimmered, glittered, but that didn't last. They flitted from the tanks, stealing away your spoons as you walked between suspended oceans. A flash of silver– shimmering, gone– You leant against a glass wall, smooth and cool against your cheek. A shark, mottled with the same shadows looming at the edge of your vision, loops around, around, around. You realise that's you; every day, looping, around, around–awakening to empty days, then sleep. Awaken, sleep, awaken, sleep. Over and over, [[around and around|walk]].

Tapping your foot against the wooden table leg, you try to ignore the sense of forboding hanging heavy in your gut. tp tp tp. Young vines had started growing a few months ago, slowly and quietly until one day your room had become a forest. They follow you everywhere, even twisting up around the leg of the table as if reaching for the source of that sound. tp tp tp. Your doctor acts as if they can't see them, and for the first time you realise that maybe they can't. tp tp tp. For half an hour before this you sat in that waiting room, staring at your phone blankly. In your heart, you knew the truth. You hoped to tune out the world until it stopped existing. But your doctor called for you, and you were torn from that blank oblivion. tp tp tp. Right here and now, your doctor speaks. They look you right in the eyes, telling you the verdict with a voice smooth from delivering bad news countless times before. It's exactly what you've been thinking, what you've been dreading, what you've been desperately hoping wouldn't be the truth: You're sick. You've been sick for a while now. tp tp tp. The vines grip your foot, panic grips your heart. Kicking out, lashing out, you break the vines and run–or at least you feel like you run. The reality: You thank your doctor with a shaking voice, you leave the room with adrenaline coursing through your veins like ice water. Smile weakly at the receptionist, at the strangers waiting in the room made for it. Swallow the fear, ignore the burning in your eyes, hold on just a little longer as you pass the blank faces looking up at you. tp tp tp. You slam the toilet door closed, fall to your knees, press your face against the cold floor, gasp as if you haven't breathed in months. tp tp tp. Tears, surprisingly hot against your clenched fists. tp tp tp. Silent sobs wrack your body at the unfairness of it all, at the sudden hopelessness ahead of you. tp tp tp. You want to rip out your hair in anger, to tear out your heart in sadness, to lie down and sleep for a thousand years. tp tp tp. After a time, you stand up and look in the tiny mirror. Red-ringed eyes stare back at you, vines creeping over your shoulders. [[tp tp tp</>|shower out]].

(set: $hobby to $hobby - 1)A while ago you tried a new treatment at a friend or family member's suggestion—you don't remember which, they all try so hard. Advice isn't rare; treatments that work, however, are. That's what you tell yourself as you go into this thing: That it's not going to work, these things never work. That nothing will ever fix you. That maybe you'll go home and order pizza after to cheer yourself up at another failed attempt at recovery. In the waiting room you can feel that fog weighing your mind down down. It presses you further into the couch, down into the kind of slouch that your mama always pestered you about. Your eyes are heavy, your brain replaced by wet cement. You figure you could die right now, and you'd be so exhausted you'd hardly even notice. You'd just sink down, down, down into that conrete floor and nobody would ever realise you were gone. Afterwards, as you leave, you feel lighter—or is that just wishful thinking? Is it just your imagination, or is that dark fog lifting? Is your bag of spoons... lighter? You find yourself walking home, along the beachfront, and the slight chill of the summer breeze touches your bare skin. As you shiver, you revel in the feeling of actually feeling the world. Out stretches the ocean, green and glistening, and all you want to do is tear off your clothes and jump in. Feel that sand between your toes, the salt in your hair. The darkness that always rings your vision is gone. Sun shines through blades of grass, so sharp and bright and beautiful and green. A light so sharp, so bright, you have to stop and stare. Your eyes burn. You cry, laughing at how crazy it is you're sobbing about someone's lawn. As you walk home, you decide to make [[pizza|pizza]].

It's maybe 6 PM and you're in the grocery store—you walked there yourself, and you know for once you have the energy to walk back. Your bag of spoons is light and basically empty in a good way, and you wonder if this is what it feels like to be a normal person. As you eye up the different flours available to you, a tiredness hits you. It's the tiredness of having done things with your day, of having woken up and walked miles and cleaned your kitchen and worked on things you wanted to do. Not the vines, but something clear and fresh. Your face feels warm, and you start to cry. The woman next to you gives you a look, and you grin right back through the tears streaming down your cheeks. Who knew you could be so happy to feel so tired? Who knew you could feel this kind of real, proper exhaustion ever again in your life? You make your pizza. [[Your sickness is back in a week|sleep (nap)]].

(set: $hobby to $hobby - 1)You try to dig out of the mud that sucks you down. Your friends walk on water, disappearing into the horizon as they laugh together, joke together, smile together. Come back! you cry. "You're too tired." "Who sleeps through a party, anyway?" "You look so tired." "I thought you were too sick." You can hardly hear them through the mud and the vines, but your heart burns. You scream, but they don't turn back. Silhouettes against the sky, fading into the ever-present fog. Grasping spoons, you slash at the muck that splashes against your arms. [[Every scoop you make to escape sinks you deeper.|project]]

There was a period of self-denial, when you thought that maybe you were just faking it. You found a job as a barista, and you loved it. The velvety milk, the rich crema, and you in control. But suddenly you couldn't do anything else. Your life was your job—only twelve hours a week—and anything outside of it was all thick vines and an unmade bed. Eventually your coworkers noticed, even concealer couldn't save you from the comments. "Are you sick?" "Have you had enough sleep?" "You look exhausted." It's nothing, you'd say. Just a late night. [[You'd go home and sleep for hours|coffee]].

An Autumn Sunday; quiet and cloudy. Patches of sunlight roam the rolling hills, a spot by the windows fades in and out. There you are: ten years old, curled up in the elusive warmth with a book. This is a normal free day, you spend it squirming to get comfortable and reading until the natural light fades and your back aches. Novels, biographies, history, it doesn't matter what—you could read forever given the chance. A Winter Sunday; gloom and tin-can raindrops on the roof. The world outside painted in shades of grey, wind and rain lashes at your windows. There you are: your first year of university, laying on your bed's covers with an assigned short novel in your hands and your eyelids heavy. You picked up the book only minutes ago, but already your brain is clouded, the words blur together. This was one of the [[first signs|read more hard]].

A happy memory, a rare one indeed; you're with your best friend decorating a cake for a birthday. It's 2 in the morning—or maybe 3—and you're both delirious with laughter and sugar. You've been piping grass for hours and it looks pretty good, but that little voice in your head won't shut up. "You're going to pay for this tomorrow; You'll be too tired to talk to anyone; You'll be too sick to eat this cake; You're going to crash and burn." You grin at your friend and she smiles back. Sometimes you just have to [[live in the moment|decorate]], consequences be damned. (Though the consequences are heavy.)

The first time you feel the aches you think it's growing pains. The second time, maybe a fever. You tell the doctor that you keep getting those strange fever aches, that your muscles feel wrong. They tell you to pop a panadol and get on with your life. It takes a long time before you realise they're part of the illness, that they are your punishment for pushing too far, holding on too long. Every extra laugh, every extra second spent standing could mean a day of discomfort. [[But you just pop a panadol and get on with your life.|run]]

The first time you realized something was wrong—really, actually wrong—was when one day you couldn't make it home. Walking down to the bay, maybe getting some sushi and coffee, used to be a regular event. You loved the ocean breeze, the cute little stores, the dogs that frequent the beach (and, you guess, the people they were with). The vines were insidious, really. At first they were just little sprouts on the walk home, distracting, but nothing deadly. Then one day you paused to catch your breath, resting on a bench that looked out over the ocean and taking in the view. When you tried to stand, you realized the sprouts had grown into massive vines, wrapping tightly around your legs, arms, torso while you were watching the waves. They held you down, crushing the life from you. [[It was only the start.|groceries]]

Perhaps the worst part of this illness is the guilt. You feel it constantly, a crushing pressure as if it were its own person pressing their hands down on your shoulders, whispering in your ears. Sometimes it's guilt at not being able to work—though you remember what happened last time you tried forcing yourself into a normal life. The words of strangers never help. "People on the benefit are just lazy," they whisper, your guilt whispers. Sometimes it's guilt at going out to a movie, a show, even just a walk. You expend this extra energy that you might not have, borrowing spoons from a future you who might need them. You stay up an extra hour because you're sucked into a good book, and all you feel is self-hatred at such a mistake. And then there's the guilt of friends and family, of acquantinces that ask you, "What do you do?" "Where have you been?" "Why aren't you trying harder?" I don't know, you say. Maybe you should [[try harder|enchiladas]].