The Ghostbustlers in: "Quoth the Raven: DEATH!", an improving tale of utter horror for young ladies.

London 1896. You are the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero-adventurer of the British Empire, collector of ivory and former gorilla-foundling. [[You are mistaken, sir.]] [[Quite right, and now to begin my latest daring jungle escapade!]]

Very good. I was testing you. You are of course, not the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly. You are Shiny-Top Jim, infamous rag and bone bastard, kidsman and working class philosopher. [[I am nothing of the sort, and I grow weary of this.]] [[Right you are guv, now, time to send my little gentlemen out onto the streets of Lahndan to filch silk hankerchees from the bourgeoisie…->Quite right, and now to begin my latest daring jungle escapade!]]

You fool. You fell into my trap. How can you hope to save the British Empire when you do not even know who you are? Now, you shall die. [[But…why…?->You are dead.]]

You are dead. The afterlife is nothing like what any of the major religions describe, although, if you had to choose, the Druze were probably the least wrong. There are a great many giraffes. If you're honest, too damn many. <img class="irc_mi" src="https://d1o50x50snmhul.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/abw267-1200x800.jpg" alt="Image result for GIRAFFE" onload="typeof google==='object'&&google.aft&&google.aft(this)" width="304" height="203" style="margin-top: 103px;"> Your story ends here. [[Reincarnate and take another whack at it.->Prologue.]]

My dear, forgive this little charade. It was necessary to be certain that your reputation was not exaggerated. Truly, your powers of perception are dazzling. You are, of course, Lady Myrtle Strappers, occult investigatrix and leader of the most famous league of paranormal confrontionists in her Majesty’s Empire; The Ghostbustlers. [[Quite so.->The study.]] [[No, I was only joking. I am actually the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly.]]

No. You’re not. [[Confound your insolence, sir! The Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly shall not be spoken to in such a fashion!]] [[Never let it be said, sir, that Lady Myrtle Strappers cannot give as good as she gets.->That is certainly the word on the promenade.]]

London 1896 Your colleagues and you are enjoying some much needed peace and quiet in the study of your modest yet palatial townhouse on Crawford Street. Miss Ida Cray reads by the fire, while dear Ethel Littlefoot darns a hankerchee at the table across from you. All is peace and quiet save for the crackle of the fire, and the gentle lapping of the smog against the window. [[Look around the room.]] [[Look at your companions.]]

That is certainly the word on the promenade. [[How dare you sir!->The study.]] [[*Faint dead away.*->You have fainted dead away. Your story ends here.]]

You have fainted dead away. Your story ends here.

Come now, this is becoming tiresome. [[I agree. Let us move on in a new spirit of friendship and honesty.->The study.]] [[For the last time, I am the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly and it is time to begin my adventures.->FINE.]]

FINE. You are the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero-adventurer of the British Empire, collector of ivory and former gorilla-foundling. You are visiting your gorilla mother in the jungle. The smell of civilization on your clothes enrages her and she eats your face. <img class="irc_mi" src="http://i4.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article9041210.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/I161013_185537_1474488oTextTRMRMMGLPICT000016438730o.jpg" alt="Image result for gorilla" onload="typeof google==='object'&&google.aft&&google.aft(this)" width="304" height="304" style="margin-top: 45px;"> You die of shock and blood loss. [[Mother…why?->You are dead.]]

You stand and move your feet so that your face slowly pans around the room in a 360 degree circle. Ida and Ethel look at you uncomfortably. [[Make a noise like a lighthouse.]] [[Clearly, your only course of action is to make a noise like a lighthouse.->Make a noise like a lighthouse.]]

Ethel glances at Ida who shakes her head. They both go back to reading and darning but a melancholy has fallen upon the room. You are hurting your friends. You know this, but you continue your twisted lighthouse games. [[Oh look, it’s Clancy, everyone’s favourite zombie butler.]]

Who should you look at? [[“Whom?”]] [[Miss Ida Cray.]] [[Miss Ethel Littlefoot.]] [[Try to look at them both.]]

I’m sorry? [[“Whom” not “Who”.]] [[It’s…no, forget it. It’s fine.->Look at your companions.]]

Does it matter? [[Language? No. I suppose it doesn’t. Of course not. Let’s just fling our waste at each other like apes. Who cares?->Look at your companions.]] [[I guess it doesn’t. Language is always changing, after all.->Look at your companions.]]

Miss Ida Cray is a hale and hearty woman of 28 years and 7 foot. She is, as well as being one of the world’s foremost authorities on occult artifacts, an accomplished hand to hand combatant and one of only three persons in history known to have punched the devil in the dick. She meets your gaze and nods. Nothing needs to be said. You are kindred spirits. She can read you at a glance. "Yes I can." she says. You feel a chill. Oh no. You were just speaking metaphorically. She can actually read your thoughts? Christ, that's creepy. There are more things to look at. You should look at them with your eyes. [[Miss Ethel Littlefoot.]] [[Try to look at them both.]]

Miss Ethel Littlefoot is a dear little creature of eighteen years and six pounds, sweet-natured and as fragile as a chick that hatched two days early. Her throat swells as she gives a tiny, piteous cough and then looks up at you apologetically for disturbing your study with her lung-noise. Poor dear. You pray it is not consumption. Despite her frailty, and the fact that she cannot stand upright in wind, Miss Littlefoot is nonetheless the most gifted psychic in the world and a vital asset to the Ghostbustlers. Your eyes have not looked at enough things. Your eyes cry out for more. [[Look at Miss Ida Cray.->Miss Ida Cray.]] [[Look around the room.]] [[Look at them both.->Try to look at them both.]]

Miss Ida Cray and Miss Ethel Littlefoot are two indistinct blobs on either side of your peripheral vision. You cannot make out their features, but yet you know that there are no two blobs you would rather have on your side in your battle against the forces of evil. [[Look at Miss Ethel Littlefoot.->Miss Ethel Littlefoot.]] [[Look at Miss Ida Cray.->Miss Ida Cray.]] [[Look around the room.]]

You look up to see Clancy, your faithful zombie manservant who has raised you ever since the mysterious death of your mother. He sets down a tea-tray with a steaming silver pot, three china cups, perfectly diagonal cucumber sandwiches and a telegram. [["Thank you, Clancy."]] [["What is the telegram, Clancy?"->The telegram.]] [["Clancy! Good ol' Clancy! My man!"]] [["Clancy? You disgust me."]]

The Prince fixes you with a soft, smoky gaze and takes your hand. "Lady Strappers" says he "The Empire stands in the gravest peril. And only you and your Ghostbustlers can save it." Your Ghostbustlers are weary and in need of rest after their last adventure. Surely one of the other occult defenders of Britannia can shoulder this burden? [[“What about Lord St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero adventurer of the Empire, collector of ivory and gorilla foundling?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince invites you to walk with him in the Royal Gardens, his attendants follow him, grunting as they carry his enormous britches python over uneven ground. The prince tells you why he has summoned you here: “Some nefarious person or persons has abducted the ravens from the Tower of London.” He says gravely. [[If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]] [[Try and think who the Prince reminds you of.]]

“His Lordship is in the Congo on a family matter.” [[“What about the Magnificent Miss Plim and her Penny Dreadfuls?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“Miss Plim is in gaol for banditry, and the Penny Dreadfuls have scattered to the four corners of Europe.” [[“What about the resurrected corpse of His Majesty James I who once again roams the land battling witches aided by his sarcastic talking cat, Wee Mike?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“No. He used to be king and it’s really awkward. I mean, he doesn’t say anything but…you know?” [[“Doctor Carnacki? He’s a good ‘un.”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“The good doctor is an excellent ‘un.” the Prince admits “But he is an incurable dope fiend.” [[“What about Master Rascals, the Happy Chappy?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince turns grey as ash. “For the love of God.” He says “Speak not that name again.” [[“What about Father Hairboy Steermaster?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“A bloody papist?!” the Prince barks “Are you mad?” [[“Staggers McNightly! That’s yer man! Good ol’ SMN! Salt of the earth, cream of the crop! Never let you down! Give the job to ol’ Stag Night I say!"]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“No.” says the Prince. [[You have run out of whimsical Victorian nonsense to spout.]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince looks at you in a way that is both sexy and smug. He thinks he’s beaten you. Are you going to put up with that? [[“What about Lord Blayckthorne and his three vampire sister-wives?”]]

“NEVER!” bellows the Prince, sexily “And should the blackguard show his face in England again I shall have him hanged!” [[“What about bees?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince furrows his brow, like a dark forest god. “Bees? You mean…just ask some bees?” [[“Yes.”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince says nothing for a while. “No.” he says quietly “I don’t think that would work.” [[“What about Black Reuben, the Mage of Oldham?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“No.” Says the Prince “Not after that stunt he pulled in Saigon.” [[“What about James Bond’s great grandfather, complete with steampunk gadgets and horse and carriage that turns into a submarine that the horse then pilots? The horse’s name, incidentally, is Martini, and he is voiced by Martin Freeman.”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“It’s a hell of a concept.” The Prince admits “But aren’t people getting a little sick of Martin Freeman?” [[“What about Tiny Pip?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

The Prince looks away. A silence falls on the chamber. “Tiny...” his voice cracks and he starts again “Tiny Pip did not live.” [[“I am heartbroken with grief at this loss, but on the other hand what about the Bumperton Bing Buh-gonga?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“There is no person, nor indeed any thing by that name.” says the Prince “You made that up.” [[“What about Slightly Manners?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“Surely you jest.” Says the Prince “Do not speak to me of Slightly Manners." [[“C’mon, give Slightly a shot. He’s a hungry young kid with everything to prove."]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“Slightly’s a fool and will never amount to anything.” Says the Prince “Tell him I said so.” [[“Way harsh, your Majesty. Well then what about Knock Need Kned?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“Can’t stand the way he spells his name.” says the Prince. [[“What about the League of Christmas Spirits?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“They were not, are not and shall not be available.” The Prince replies. [[Name every single man, woman and child in the Greater London Area in order of age.]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“They’re busy.” [[“What about Kettling Nell the Tinkering Witch?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“Gout. Also, she was beheaded by the resurrected corpse of His Majesty James I who once again roams the land battling witches aided by his sarcastic talking cat, Wee Mike.” Says the Prince “Come now, madam. Enough of this foolishness. I have already said that only you can save Great Britain, and you have run out of funny names to say.” [[Oh is THAT what he thinks?]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

You tighten your corset and take a deep breath… [[“What about Ruby the Golden Hearted Thief?”->The Prince insists]] [[“What about Speculum Carruthers?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about Knifey Joe and the eight-legged Spinsters?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the Snickering Gambler?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the Dread Baroness Amelia Mellor Bathory De Courcy?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about Napper Tandy?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the Insolent League?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about Screwdriver Goldy Gold?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about Snuff Snuff McDuff? ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the Lemon Sisters?”->The Prince insists]] [[“Three words: Galoshes. Fucking. Oakeshott. ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about…oh…wossname…big beard…glasses…spits…Jewish, I think? ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the middle bear, whose porridge was too cold?”->The Prince insists]] [[“What about a walking, talking swarm of bats?” ->The Prince insists]] [[“What about the Ghostbustlers? Oh wait, never mind…”->Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]] [[“What about Fever Kid Smythe?”->The Prince insists]] [[“Weasel Daniels?” ->The Prince insists]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

“PLEASE!” the Prince begs, rivulets of sweat running down his moustache “You are the only ones who can save this nation! No more names!” [[You are sure that someone else can help. Repeat every single name you have already said in the hope that he reconsiders, starting with Lord St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero adventurer of the Empire, collector of ivory and gorilla foundling.->“What about Lord St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero adventurer of the Empire, collector of ivory and gorilla foundling?”]] [[Do your duty, madam, for sexy prince and country.]]

"Very good, milady." [[Ask him to read the telegram->The telegram.]]

"I endeavour to give satisfaction, milady." [[Ask him to read the telegram->The telegram.]]

"The telegram was delivered just now, Milady." says Clancy "I was given to understand it pertains to a matter of some urgency." [[Instruct Clancy to read it for you, as your eyes are strained from all the looking you've done today.]]

You give Clancy an enthusiastic high five. He picks his hand up from the floor and places it in his pocket, to be re-attached later. [[Ask him to read the telegram->The telegram.]]

Clancy is about to begin and then pauses, his rheumy, half-decayed eyes glancing at the clock which rests upon the mantelpiece. "Milady? It is now three o'clock..." [["Hmm? Oh very well, you may proceed."]] [["No time Clancy, no time! Read the telegram post haste!"]]

Clancy draws himself up. Ida and Ethel roll their eyes at each other. Not this again. Clancy begins to recite "The Speech". "Milady, I must once again implore you to give up this life of reckless occult adventuring and to find a husband of sufficient means and respectable position within the Anglican Church as was the dying wish of your most beloved mother and my late mistress Lady Gemima Strappers." [[Let him speak.]] [[Tell Clancy to read the telegram->"No time Clancy, no time! Read the telegram post haste!"]]

In a voice as deep as a tomb, Clancy reads the telegram aloud. “Lady Strappers, you are hereby summonedwithout delay to the palace…” [[Not a second to waste! Off to the palace!]] [[Maybe let Clancy finish the telegram, just to be certain.]]

"I say this not only for the great affection I bear you, having reared you single-handed from your tender girlhood, but also as I am compelled to by the dreadful curse laid upon me by your mother upon her death bed." [[Gesture at Clancy to start wrapping up.]] [[Tell Clancy to read the telegram->"No time Clancy, no time! Read the telegram post haste!"]]

"This curse, as you well know, forces me to repeat these words at three o’clock every day without respite and has rendered me a shambling, undead corpse, unable to find release even in death." [[While you have nothing but pity for your undead vassal's plight, you have shit to do. Tell him to bring it home.]] [[Tell Clancy to read the telegram->"No time Clancy, no time! Read the telegram post haste!"]]

"Therefore, I beg you to marry that you might find happiness, and that I might at last go to the bosom of the Lord, to be reunited with my dear Vanessa and our three wee ones, lost at sea this many a year." Clancy lowers his head, and falls silent. [[Well, that's quite enough of that.->"No time Clancy, no time! Read the telegram post haste!"]]

The Ice Troll Bishop lies dying at your feet, his silver blood rapidly freezing as it seeps from the many wounds you have inflicted on him. Even though his life force is failing, you can still feel the intense cold he emits, the same cold that allowed him to fashion this magnificent ice palace. “Flesh bitch.” the Troll hisses through bloodied teeth “The ice gods shall smite you for this blasphemy.” “Perhaps.” You reply, as you plunge your sword into his neck “But you shall not be there to see it. looks like it's going to be a cold day in hell.” While that was undeniably cool, you cannot help but feel somewhat responsible for the massacre of the Ice Trolls. You arrived at the Bishop’s palace thinking he had invited you, but the Ice Trolls thought they were under attack and things quickly escalated. Ida rocks back and forward in front of a massive pile of dead Ice Trolls. “I had to do it.” She whispers to herself “It was them or us, them or us I tell you…” Ethel has retreated into a psychic coma, the miasma of death and grief too great for her to bear. You realise that you have killed far too many Ice Trolls for their population to recover, and this fierce but proud race of Arctic Ice Clerics are now doomed to extinction. [[Maybe next time read the entire telegram? ->Maybe let Clancy finish the telegram, just to be certain.]]

“…specifically, Buckingham Palace.” Says Clancy. [[Right. That’s clear enough. Off to Buckingham Palace without further delay.->The palace.]] [[Stop, briefly, to join hands with your comrades and give the Ghostbustlers battle cry before setting off.]]

You take a deep breath and yell your famous battlecry. [[“Ghostbustlers Hurrah!”]] [[“For Queen and country!”]] [[“Votes for women!”]] [[“TEA!”]] [[“Hey, where the white women at?”]] [[“By the power of Grayskull!”]] [[“Smash the patriarchy!”]] [[“Evil? Aw hell naw!”->“For Queen and country!”]]

Yes, that's the one. Very good. [[Proceed to the palace->The palace.]]

Upon arriving at Buckingham Palace you are ushered by two guards into a modest chandeliering hall in the secret Nor'Nor'West Wing. You anxiously await to learn the cause of your summons. Suddenly, two doors swing open and you find yourself gazing at the magnificent, impossibly sexy countenance of Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, husband and consort to her Majesty the Queen. Behind him, carried on a bier by twenty five Hindoo manservants is the legendary royal penis. Swathed in satin, it trails behind him for a good eight feet before terminating in a wicker basket where the remainder lies coiled. The Prince gives you a charming smile, and you feel four additional sets of ovaries spontaneously sprouting within you. The manservants set the royal cock down gently on the floor where it rumbles and purrs contentedly. Mesmerised, Ethel goes to lay her hand on it. [[Stop her.->The cock.]] [[No. This is something that she has to do.->The cock.]]

Meh. Close enough. [[Leave for the palace.->The palace.]]

Jolly good. [[Proceed to the palace->The palace.]]

Clancy start and runs to the kitchen. After a few minutes he re-emerges with a second pot of tea. He looks around in bewilderment. You have already gone. [[Proceed to the palace->The palace.]]

Ida and Ethel shake their heads. "We discussed that one, Myrtle, and we were quite firm in our refusal" Ida says. [[Proceed to the palace->The palace.]]

You mount your battle cats and ride off, swords raised high in the air. [[Proceed to the palace->The palace.]]

You feel proud that, while you may be a member of the aristocracy living in Victorian London, you are nonetheless hella woke. [[The palace.]]

The manservants raise their voices in outrage, but the Prince silences them with a raised hand. He gestures to Ethel to come forward. Trembling, she reaches out and lays her hand on the royal tumescence. She then places her ear flat upon the silken flank and closes her eyes, in deep psychiccommunion with the crotch beast. When she opens her eyes again, there are tears of joy there. "Oh Myrtle..." she whispers "It sings to me of the stars..." [[The call of duty.]]

The ravens of the Tower of London are a distinct breed, distinguishable from normal ravens by the fact that they have thirteen primary feathers on each wing as opposed to the usual ten. Also, unlike normal ravens, they are between nine and eleven feet tall, have a wingspan of around fifteen feet, eight blood-red eyes and must be fed three cows a day. Perhaps their most notable feature is that they are most definitely not here. You gaze around the vast chamber where the ravens were, until recently, securely held. The cell is covered in the remains of cows, bird waste and anti-Jackdaw graffiti but you cannot see any way of entering or exiting the cell other than the main doorway, which was guarded by One Legged Bob, the keeper of the ravens. The clock is ticking, every minute the ravens are missing brings England closer to total apocalyptic destruction. You have time to do two things. [[Search the room for clues.->1]] [[Ask Ethel to take a psychic reading of the room.->2]] [[Ask Ida what the word on the street is.->3]] [[Lean on One Legged Bob.->4]]

You’ve got it! Colin Firth. He won’t be born for sixty years, but Ethel has often described him to you while in the throes of ecstatic visions. She usually describes the time he jumped in the lake. Damn. You notice that you’re standing beside a lake now. [[Ask the Prince to jump in the lake.]] [[Investigate the missing ravens. There is very little time.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]]

“No.” says the Prince mildly “I shall not be doing that.” [[“What? Ethel can fondle the royal monster cock but poor Myrtle can’t even get a little man on lake action?”]] [[Investigate the missing ravens. There is very little time.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]]

“As an English subject, that is her right.” Says the Prince “However, the lake is of dubious cleanliness and is not fit for swimming. I must decline.” [[“What, you scared?”]] [[Investigate the missing ravens. There is very little time.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]]

“The water quality is notoriously poor and there is a severe rat infestation in these gardens. Were I to jump in that lake, I could well be blinded. I’m sure you understand.” [[You’ve been coming on real strong and it’s time to accept that “No” means “No”.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]] [[Push him in the lake.]]

The Prince strikes the water with a satisfying splash and his manservants are dragged in screaming after him as they cling to his gargantuan giggle-stick. The Prince tries flails desperately to stay above water and it is sexy as fuck. He raises his hand to you, begging for assistance. [[Help the Prince before he drowns.]] [[Say “Oh yeah baby. Momma like.”]]

“Please Momma!” the Prince pleads “Please don’t let me drown!” [[“Oh no. We’re just getting started.”]] [[“Of course. I don’t know what came over me.”->Help the Prince before he drowns.]]

You pull the Prince and his surviving manservants out of the lake. He glares at you, sexily. There will probably be severe repercussions, but for now, it’s time to head to the tower of London. [[Investigate the missing ravens. There is very little time.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]]

"You're a monster!" the Prince cries as he slips beneath the filthy water once more, his struggles becoming ever weaker. Ida puts her hand on your shoulder "Myrtle." she says "You've gone too far." [[She's right. Dear God, what are you doing? Pull back from the brink.->Help the Prince before he drowns.]] [[Force the Prince to have sex with the lake, while you watch.]]

The Prince has drowned. You have been arrested and will be sent to gaol, or possibly even jail if the judge is feeling particularly throw-the-bookish. You will have many years to consider how you sexually harassedthe Prince to a watery grave as you spend the rest of your life ironing white linen on a massive wooden wheel called "Splintery Meg". YOUR STORY ENDS HERE, IN GAOL (OR JAIL).

You search the room and come across many clues, a whole handful of them. They are beautiful, and shiny. They are quite small clues, as well, almost dainty. You stop as you realise something. These are <i>women's</i> clues. You have many clues like this at home yourself. Whoever stole the ravens and left these clues was A WOMAN. You must choose your next action carefully, as time is of the essence. [[Ask Ethel to take a psychic reading of the room.->1,2]] [[Ask Ida what the word of the street is.->1,3]] [[Talk to One Legged Bob, the raven's keeper.->1,4]]

"Ethel" you say, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder "What do you sense?" Ethel's eyes roll back in her head as she opens her mind to infinite. "I...sense...ravens..." she whispers. Splendid. Very helpful. "Ethel." you say, through gritted teeth "What HAPPENED to the ravens?" "I am a raven." says Ethel "CAW! CAW! CAW!" She flaps around the room, idly pecking at cow bones and cawing. Suddenly, she stops and keels over. Fortunately, she is so light that you are able to snatch her out of the air before she flutters to the ground. "Ethel!" you cry "Ethel!" Her eyes flutter open. "I sensed danger, Myrtle. Danger and...power." "Magical power?" you ask. "No." she whispers "Wealth. And...pride." You have uncovered an important piece of information. The culprit was a MEMBER OF THE ARISTOCRACY. You have also gained 10,000 EXP Points. This will not effect gameplay in any way, but feel free to brag about it to your friends. You must choose your next course of action. Choose carefully, as time is growing short. [[Search the room for clues.->2,1]] [[Ask Ida what the word on the street is.->2,3]] [[Lean on One Legged Bob->2,4]]

You sidle up to Ida and clear your throat. "What's the word on the street, Ida?" She looks away, shiftily. "I don't know nuffink." she replies. "Come now Ida, we're on the same side." you say. "Sorry, force of habit." she says "Word on the street is that there's a new player in town trying to unload six ravens." "I need a name, Ida." you say. "I don't have one." Ida replies "Not one that anyone's willing to say." "Then what do they call this New Player?" you ask. "They call him..."V"." Ida says darkly. You have uncovered an important piece of information. The culprit is known to the criminal underworld as "V". You must now choose your next course of action. Choose wisely, as time is growing short. [[Search the cell for clues->3,1]] [[Ask Ethel to take a psychic reading of the room.->3,2]] [[Lean on One Legged Bob.->3,4]]

You lean on One Legged Bob, who falls over like an improperly stowed umbrella. “What you do that for?!” he yelps, thrashing his one-legged body on the ground like a floundering fish. [[Apologise and help him to his feet.]]

You help One Legged Bob to his feet. This is quite difficult, because, as well as having only one leg, he has no arms either. He’s also missing an eye and a large chunk of back. [[“What did you see, Bob?”->“Follow your dreams Bob.”]] [[No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.]]

“Because I only got one leg, don’t I?” [[Can’t argue with that.->“Follow your dreams Bob.”]] [[“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”]]

“Because one day, Milady, I plan to make it big on the stage, and when I do “One Legged, No Armed, One Eye Bob What is Also Missing a Chunk of Back” is not going to fit on the marquee over the Albert Hall.” [[“Follow your dreams Bob.”]]

“Well, that’s parenthood, innit?” [[Ask Bob what he saw->What Bob saw]]

“Is that supposed to be funny?” says the man who has literally been reduced to a single leg, a one-eyed head and a partially chewed torso. [[“Yes.”->What Bob saw]] [[“Yes. I am a very funny person."->What Bob saw]] [[“It absolutely is.”->What Bob saw]] [[“No. It’s supposed to be HILARIOUS.”->What Bob saw]]

"I had just fed the ravens a couple of Jersey cows and had locked the door as the sounds they make when feeding is liable to turn a man mad. It was then that I had a funny turn and came over all drowsy. When I awoke, the ravens was gone! Oh, my poor babies. What ever has become of poor little Hellwing, Golgotha, Obsidian Death, Ebon Bastard, Jamie and Corpse Eater? You must save them Milady, you simply must!" One Legged Bob leans in conspiratorially, and then falls over, furtively. "Between you and me, Milady" he whispers from the floor "I think my eye-patch was drugged with laudanum. Not many people knows where I keep my eyepatch. I believe the thief was someone with READY ACCESS TO THE PALACE." You thank Bob and decide on your next course of action. You must choose carefully, as time is of the essence. [[Search the room for clues->4,1]] [[Ask Ida what's the word on the street->4,2]] [[Ask Ethel to take a psychic reading of the room->4,3]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit is a woman, and one with ready access to the palace. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[This is clearly the work of Lady Evangeline Pankerton and her Voodoo Suffragettes.]] [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[All signs point to the nefarious Royal Vizier Goatie Ibn Al-Baaztard.]] [[It was the Prince. And you were too blind to see it.]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

You help One Legged Bob to his feet. This is quite difficult, because, as well as having only one leg, he has no arms either. He’s also missing an eye and a large chunk of back. [[“What did you see, Bob?”->“Follow your dreams Bob.”1,4]] [[No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.->No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.1,4]]

Bob’s one eye tears up as he thinks about his kidnapped charges. “They was my little babies, Milady, them ravens, honest they was…” [[Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.->Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.1,4]] [[“Pull yourself together Bob!”->“Pull yourself together Bob!”1,4]]

“Well, that’s parenthood, innit?” [[Ask Bob what he saw->What Bob saw 1,4]]

“Is that supposed to be funny?” says the man who has literally been reduced to a single leg, a one-eyed head and a partially chewed torso. [[“Yes.”->What Bob saw 1,4]] [[“Yes. I am a very funny person."->What Bob saw 1,4]] [[“It absolutely is.”->What Bob saw 1,4]] [[“No. It’s supposed to be HILARIOUS.”->What Bob saw 1,4]]

“Because I only got one leg, don’t I?” [[Can’t argue with that.->“Follow your dreams Bob.”1,4]] [[“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”->“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”1,4]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit is a woman, and a member of the aristocracy to boot. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[This is clearly the work of Lady Evangeline Pankerton and her Voodoo Suffragettes.]] [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[Staggers McNightly?]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

"I am a raven." says Ethel "CAW! CAW! CAW!" She flaps around the room, idly pecking at cow bones and cawing. Suddenly, she stops and keels over. Fortunately, she is so light that you are able to snatch her out of the air before she floats to the ground. "Ethel!" you cry "Ethel!" Her eyes flutter open. "I sensed danger, Myrtle. Danger and...power." "Magical power?" you ask. "No." she whispers "Wealth. And...pride." You have uncovered an important piece of information. The culprit was a MEMBER OF THE ARISTOCRACY. You have also gained 10,000 EXP Points. This will not effect gameplay in any way, but feel free to brag about it to your friends. [[Consider the evidence.->Conclusion 1,2]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit is a woman, and is known to the underworld only as “V”. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[Vicky the maid.]] [[Time to pay a visit to your old friend Viscount Vlad Vasilyevich Vladimir, the Vampire of Vienna.]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit is a member of the aristocracy, and is known to the underworld only as “V”. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[The Right Honourable Lord St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero-adventurer of the British Empire, ivory hoarder and former gorilla foundling.]] [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[Time to pay a visit to your old friend Viscount Vlad Vasilyevich Vladimir, the Vampire of Vienna.]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

You help One Legged Bob to his feet. This is quite difficult, because, as well as having only one leg, he has no arms either. He’s also missing an eye and a large chunk of back. [[“What did you see, Bob?”->“Follow your dreams Bob.”2,4]] [[No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.->No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.2,4]]

Bob’s one eye tears up as he thinks about his kidnapped charges. “They was my little babies, Milady, them ravens, honest they was…” [[Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.->Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.2,4]] [[“Pull yourself together Bob!”->"Pull yourself together Bob!"2,4]]

“Well, that’s parenthood, innit?” [[Ask Bob what he saw->What Bob saw 2,4]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit is a member of the aristocracy, and had ready access to the palace. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[The Right Honourable Lord St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero-adventurer of the British Empire, ivory hoarder and former gorilla foundling.]] [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[It was the Prince. And you were too blind to see it.]] [[Time to pay a visit to your old friend Viscount Vlad Vasilyevich Vladimir, the Vampire of Vienna.]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

"Ethel" you say, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder "What do you sense?" Ethel's eyes roll back in her head as she opens her mind to the infinite. "I...sense...ravens..." she whispers. Splendid. Very helpful. "Ethel." you say, through gritted teeth "What HAPPENED to the ravens?" "I am a raven." says Ethel "CAW! CAW! CAW!" She flaps around the room, idly pecking at cow bones and cawing. Suddenly, she stops and keels over. Fortunately, she is so light that you are able to snatch her out of the air before she flutters to the ground. "Ethel!" you cry "Ethel!" Her eyes flutter open. "I sensed danger, Myrtle. Danger and...power." "Magical power?" you ask. "No." she whispers "Wealth. And...pride." You have uncovered an important piece of information. The culprit was a MEMBER OF THE ARISTOCRACY. You have also gained 10,000 EXP Points. This will not effect gameplay in any way, but feel free to brag about it to your friends. [[Consider the evidence->Conclusion 2,3]]

You help One Legged Bob to his feet. This is quite difficult, because, as well as having only one leg, he has no arms either. He’s also missing an eye and a large chunk of back. [[“What did you see, Bob?”->“Follow your dreams Bob.”3,4]] [[No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.->No, hold up. Ask why he’s called One Legged Bob.3,4]]

Bob’s one eye tears up as he thinks about his kidnapped charges. “They was my little babies, Milady, them ravens, honest they was…” [[Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.->Politely point out that his “little babies” appear to have devoured him alive leaving only a ragged pathetic wreck of humanity.3,4]] [[“Pull yourself together Bob!”->“Pull yourself together Bob!”3,4]]

“Well, that’s parenthood, innit?” [[Ask Bob what he saw->What Bob saw 3,4]]

Your investigation has yielded the following intelligence: The culprit has ready access to the palace, and is known to the underworld only as “V”. Your time is almost up, and you must act immediately to forestall disaster. Who abducted the ravens from the tower of London? [[Who else would have had the guile, intellect and solid bronze knackers necessary to pull off this caper other than Lady Myrtle Strappers?]] [[Vicky the maid.]] [[All signs point to the nefarious Royal Vizier Goatie Ibn Al-Baaztard.]] [[Much as it saddens you, Queen Victoria is the only possible suspect and everyone knows it.->Queen Victoria.]] [[Time to pay a visit to your old friend Viscount Vlad Vasilyevich Vladimir, the Vampire of Vienna.]] [[Fenians!]] [[The Kaiser.]]

“Because I only got one leg, don’t I?” [[Can’t argue with that.->“Follow your dreams Bob.”3,4]] [[“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”->“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”3,4]]

“Is that supposed to be funny?” says the man who has literally been reduced to a single leg, a one-eyed head and a partially chewed torso. [[“Yes.”->What Bob saw 3,4]] [[“Yes. I am a very funny person."->What Bob saw 3,4]] [[“It absolutely is.”->What Bob saw 3,4]] [[“No. It’s supposed to be HILARIOUS.”->What Bob saw 3,4]]

You return to the Prince to announce your findings. "Your Majesty." you tell the Prince "It is the belief of my colleagues and myself that this heinous crime was carried out by the Kaiser." "Fuckin' knew it!" the Prince swears "TO WAR!" [[So it's war.->Ending 1]]

You have started a war between Britain and Imperial Germany. Millions of people shall die. In decades to come, this will be known as Myrtle’s War, or, because it occurred after the French Revolutionary Wars and Napoleonic Wars, World War 3. <img class="irc_mi" src="https://www.bl.uk/learning/timeline/external/worldwar1somme-tl.jpg" alt="Image result" onload="typeof google==='object'&&google.aft&&google.aft(this)" width="208" height="156" style="margin-top: 209px;"> YOU HAVE STARTED WORLD WAR 3. YOUR STORY ENDS HERE.

You return to the Prince and announce your findings. "Your Majesty." say you "My colleagues and I believe theft of the Royal Ravens to be a Fenian atrocity." Ida and Ethel glance at each other. They really don't know why they bother going to all the trouble of investigating if you're just going to blame the Irish like YOU ALWAYS DO. The Prince orders an immediate raid of every Fenian hill in Ireland. While the wee men run screaming from their magic hills, dousing their burning beards and desperately trying to hide their pots of gold, the Royal Guards search for the missing ravens but to no avail. You have wasted precious time, and now it is too late. [[England has fallen.]]

You have failed to save England. You can at least take comfort in the fact that, when fiery demons burst forth from the Earth's mantle to scour England from the face of creation, nobody made a fuss. With the English no longer there to keep them in check, the Scots have swept across the globe, conquering every other nation in a matter of weeks. By March 2nd 2018, the Scots have conquered the last resistant enclave of The Galbraxian Empire, thereby bringing all 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way under Scottish rule. <img class="irc_mi" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/10/Flag_of_Scotland.svg" alt="Image result" onload="typeof google==='object'&&google.aft&&google.aft(this)" width="208" height="125" style="margin-top: 224px;"> SCOTLAND HAS CONQUERED THE GALAXY. YOUR STORY ENDS HERE. ALBA GU BRÁTH.

With your heart beating in your chest, you and your comrades approach the chambers of Queen Victoria. All the evidence has led you here, though how you wish it had not! [[Knock lightly on the door.]] [[Break down the door.]]

She may be a gargantuan hell beast ceaselessly spawning a never ending army of minor royals but, by God, she is still the Queen. You wait in respectful silence until the Queen has finished consuming all of the Royal Ravens, thus dooming the nation. [[England has fallen.]]

"Whoooooo isssss it?" [["Lady Myrtle Strappers, ma'am, and company. Might we enter?"]] [[Break down the door.]]

"Oh no, thank you, we already have some." [["I...um...what?"]] [["Your Majesty, it is imperative that we speak with you at once. England is in dire jeopardy."->"I...um...what?"]] [[Bitch is stalling. Break down the door.->Break down the door.]]

"I'm afraid I must decline, but please do leave your name at the front desk and we shall be sure to call you if an opening arises." [["Your Majesty, enough of this. I must insist you open the door."]] [[This door has made the mistake of getting in your way. Show the other doors what happens.->Break down the door.]]

"Just a second!" comes the voice from behind the door. The speaker sounds like she has her mouth full. Suddenly you hear a panicked "CAW!" [[Introduce the honourable Mister Door to your bosom companion, Miss Boot.->Break down the door.]]

You break down the door with one swift kick from your boot. This, regrettably, leaves your ankle briefly exposed but this may be excused given the direness of the situation. The scene that greets you is one that will haunt you for the rest of your days. Queen Victoria rests in the middle of a massive chamber, surrounded by thousands upon thousands of eggs which are removed from her gargantuan ovipositor and arranged by faithful attendants in neat little rows. From these eggs, new members of the royal family hatch every few hours. In a great iron cage by the Queen's fore-quarters you see the Royal Ravens, but there are only four remaining. Where are the other... "URP!" the Queen releases a foetid belch and a flurry of ebon feathers flutter to the mucus-slick floor. "Your Majesty!" you cry "What are you doing?! If you eat the ravens, Britain is doomed!" "I CAN DO AS I WISH!" she bellows "FOR I AM THE QUEEN!". She opens her gargantuan maw and a smaller version of the head of Queen Victoria emerges on a stalk and exclaims "The Queen! The Queen!" For the first time in your life, you find yourself entertaining republican sentiment. You look at your companions, wordlessly begging them to tell you what to do. "We have to stop her!" Ida yells. "No!" Ethel pleads "She is our Queen!" The Ghostbustlers swore an oath, to Queen and Country. But now, you must choose. [[For Queen.]] [[For Country.]]

It would take nothing less than a nine hour movie trilogy to fully convey the awesome spectacle of the Ragnarok that was the final battle between the Ghostbustlers and Her Majesty, Queen Victoria. In the distant future, long after civilization has been destroyed by Coal War, huddled tribes will listen as bards recite long sagas of your victory. They will gasp at your bravery, and cheer at the bit where Ida was swallowed by the Queen and punched her way out of her chest. The Prince enters the chamber and sees you standing over the exploded carcass of his bride and consort. "England is saved." he says, in a voice both grief-stricken and sexy "But at what cost?" You lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, and plant a supportive kiss on his lips, and slip him a sympathetic tongue. [[Return the ravens to the Tower of London.]]

Good show. You have reached the end. The proper end. The real one. I mean, obviously, none of this is real, but this ending is more real than the others. Well actually no, it is in no way more or less real but still...it's a good ending! And you did that! Go you. Well, it was probably just blind luck I mean, it's not like there was any skill involved, it's not exactly Dark Souls, is it? Sorry, this is sounding so much more negative than I intended. I mean, you won! You won the game! <img class="irc_mi" src="https://i.pinimg.com/736x/f4/6f/fd/f46ffd9de8bf0384f5ea3c26c8401c71--crow-tattoos-crow-art.jpg" onload="typeof google==='object'&&google.aft&&google.aft(this)" width="281" height="393" style="margin-top: 0px;" alt="Image result for ravens"> YOU HAVE RETURNED THE RAVENS TO THE TOWER OF LONDON AND SAVED ENGLAND. THIS IS AN ACHIEVEMENT ON YOUR PART. WELL DONE.

That is you. That is the character you... Are you serious? Are you actually serious?! HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE IT?! HOW WOULD THAT MAKE ANY KIND OF... JUST... JUST... GAWD! You're an idiot. There. I said it. What? What would YOU call someone who literally could not remember WHO THEY ARE?! [[Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Can I go back and try again?]] [[Wait, I thought I was the Right Honourable St. John Pugh-Mannersly, hero-adventurer of the British Empire, collector of ivory and former gorilla-foundling?->FINE.]]

No. [[What?]] [[Come again?->What?]] [[Ha ha, very funny.->What?]] [[Surely you jest.->What?]] [[What you say, motherfucker?->What?]] [[Aha...smile when you say that.->What?]]

You heard me. I'd have to write new passages for every single possible ending just because you were feeling peverse. No. Not doing it. You made your bed. [[Come now, there must be something you can do?]]

Sigh. I can take you back to the Tower of London before you started your investigation. [[That is fair and generous. I will learn from this experience.->If the ravens are not returned immediately, England shall fall. Ask to be taken to the scene of the crime.]] [[No. Fucking. Way. Am I trudging through all that again.]] [[You know I can just use the back arrow, right?]]

Do you really want to be one of THOSE People? [[No.->Come now, there must be something you can do?]] [[Absolutely not.->Come now, there must be something you can do?]] [[I would sooner die.->Come now, there must be something you can do?]] [[Good God, for a second I stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back.->Come now, there must be something you can do?]]

Okay, well then you can die. You wanna die? [[Like you'd have the stones.->You are dead.]] [[Bring it, bitch.->You are dead.]] [[You first.->You are dead.]]

"Oh please sir!" Vicky pleads as she is handed her notice by an irate, sexy Prince "I never stole nothing, I swear it! It's only me that puts bread on the table and Mother is poorly! And Our John can't work since he lost the use of his knees in the war against the Mad Mahdi. And Little Baby Ruthie..." Vicky begins to list every single family member who is financially dependent on her, which takes approximately seven hours. Unfortunately, this is time that you do not have to waste. You still have not found the Royal Ravens. [[England has fallen.]]

You take a moment to consider your complicated feelings towards Lady Evangeline Pankerton and her Voodoo Suffragettes. [[She is a hero, and an inspiration to the sisterhood.->Question Lady Evangeline Pankerton.]] [[No one believes in the cause of the Women's Vote more than you. But Pankerton is a fanatic. She goes too far!]]

Oh? And just how far is "too far" in the cause of justice? [[Human sacrifice and cannibalism.]]

Pff. Squish. [[Question Lady Evangeline Pankerton.]]

You are ushered into the opulent study of Lady Evangeline Pankerton, the Terror of Men. There is a roaring fire in the fireplace, and Lady Pankerton sits behind a magnificent polished oak desk. Behind her, a coterie of her most fearsome Voodoo Suffragettes stand guard over her person. She appraises you with an aristocrtic bearing, as light from the fire glints on the polished ivory tusk she has inserted through her nose. "Lady Strappers." she purrs "To what do I owe the pleasure?" [["Lady Pankerton, let me be blunt. The Ravens of the Tower of London have been stolen and the Ghostbustlers believe you to be the guilty party."]] [["Hail sister! How goes the struggle?"]] [[*Make a V sign* "Girl power!"]]

"Indeed?" she replies "And why should I do such a thing?" [["Destroy England and you destroy the Patriarchy. Devilishly clever."]] [["So that you and your sisters could ride them in to battle like magnificent valkyries."]] [["Money money money. Money."]]

"Hardly." her ladyship replies "I live in England. I and everyone dear to me would instantly perish. Not even I would go so far in the cause of suffrage." At this shocking admission of moderate centrism, Lady Pankerton is instantly set upon by her bodyguards and devoured in seconds. You search the house for the ravens, but can find no trace. [[England has fallen.]]

"Spare me, you lacky of the Phallocracy." [["Lady Pankerton, let me be blunt. The Ravens of the Tower of London have been stolen and the Ghostbustlers believe you to be the guilty party."]]

"YES!" Lady Pankerton's voice booms and her eyes glow with eldritch scarletlight as dark, chthonic Girl Power courses through her body "AND SOON, I SHALL HAVE ENOUGH GIRL POWER TO RULE THE WORLD!" [["Lady Pankerton, let me be blunt. The Ravens of the Tower of London have been stolen and the Ghostbustlers believe you to be the guilty party."]]

"Bitch please." quoth Lady Pankerton "I got stacks to the roof." [["Destroy England and you destroy the Patriarchy. Devilishly clever."]]

Lady Pankerton and Voodoo Suffragettes glance awkwardly at each other. You can that they wish they'd thought of that. [["Destroy England and you destroy the Patriarchy. Devilishly clever."]]

Little is known of this mysterious visitor from the East. He arrived in London three years ago and, with astonishing speed, rose through the court to become the Royal Vizier, even more astonshing when you consider that such a position does not exist within the English monarchy With a flourish of his cape as black as moonless night, he rises to greet you as you enter his study. "Lady Strappers" he purrs like honey being poured on velvet "To what do I owe the pleasure?" He is a tall, dark, man with eyes like smouldering embers and his beard is so...twisted. [["You Lordship, I must speak with you on a matter of some urgency."]] [["I must insist you return the ravens, forthwith."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["Where are the ravens, snake-face?"->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["RAVENS BITCH. NOW."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["Do you know where I could buy a half dozen massive eight-eyed man-eating ravens? I got money."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [[Look him up and down. Say "Momma like."]]

You louse. How dare you impugn the good name of Staggers McNightly? [[Forgive me.->Conclusion 1,2]]

You enter the villa of Viscount Vlad Vasilyevich Vladimir, the Vampire of Vienna. "Velcome" his manservant Vladoc says "The Viscount has vacated the villa, as he is vacationing." "In Vietnam?" you ask. "No." he says "Malaga." [[Well, that's a dead end.->England has fallen.]]

"I am most gratified to hear it." [["You Lordship, I must speak with you on a matter of some urgency."]] [["I must insist you return the ravens, forthwith."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["Where are the ravens, snake-face?"->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["RAVENS BITCH. NOW."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]] [["Do you know where I could buy a half dozen massive eight-eyed man-eating ravens? I got money."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]]

The Vizier cackles evilly. "Oh, and why, pray tell, would I steal the ravens?" [["You are a Royal Vizier. That's reason enough."->"You are a Royal Vizier. That's reason enough."]] [["The evidence points to you and says "Him! Him! Over there!" while hopping up and down."->"You are a Royal Vizier. That's reason enough."]] [["Because you're...y'know."]]

You are a racist. This is the racist ending. You have gotten this ending because you are a racist. Go away and try to become a better person. YOU HAVE REACHED THE RACIST ENDING BECAUSE YOUR ARE RACIST.

While Ida holds the Vizier in a headlock you search his chambers. You find nothing but paperwork, receipts for charitable donations, and a picture of the Vizier's wife and two beautiful children. The ravens are not here and your time is up. [[England has fallen.]]

"Of course." he sneers "Won't you please take a seat while I attend to some trivial administrative duties?" [[Wait patiently as he prepares a draft paper for the Committee to Outlaw Child Labour.]] [[Accuse him of theft.->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]]

The Vizier apologises for delaying you and offers you some tea, which you accept. [[Watch the Vizier greet a visiting group of children who are on a school tour.]] [[Accuse him of theft.->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]]

The Vizier is a natural with the children, never condescending but still witty and fun. There is a lot of laughter in the room, and you feel sure that these children will remember this day as a highlight of their school years. You wonder if the Vizier has children, he seems like he'd be a wonderful father. [[Listen to the Vizier comfort a female subordinate who is being sexually harassed by a co-worker.]] [[Accuse him of theft.->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]]

Much as you try to give the two some privacy, the poor woman is quite distraught and you cannot help overhearing. The Vizier listens, never interrupting and only occasionally asking for clarification on certain points. When she is finished, he thanks her for her courage and tells her not to worry as this matter will be dealt with immediately. You are starting to suspect you may have been wrong in your initial appraisal of the nefarious Royal Vizier Goatie Ibn Al-Baaztard. "Please forgive the wait, Lady Strappers" he says "One thing after another. Now. How may I be of service?" [["RAVENS BITCH. NOW."->RAVENS BITCH. NOW.]]

As ashamed as you are to admit it, you allowed yourself to be blinded to the truth by the preternatural sexiness of Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. [[More like "SEX-Coburg and Gotha", amirite?]]

Quite. [[Accuse the sexy bastard.]] [[Wait...maybe reconsider this?->Conclusion 1,4]]

After accusing the Prince of plotting to destroy England you have been diagnosed as hysterical and committed to Bedlam. Treatment consists of a steady diet of cabbage soup and un-sensational reading material, and daily genital stimulation using an early version of the vibrator known as the Jolly Prussian. YOUR STORY ENDS HERE, IN BEDLAM.

You find His Lordship's body deep in the Congo. His face has been bitten off by a gorilla, and he died of shock and blood loss which, you must admit, is a fairly solid alibi. Unfortunately, you now have no leads. [[England has fallen.]]

“Because I only got one leg, don’t I?” [[Can’t argue with that.->“Follow your dreams Bob.”2,4]] [[“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”->“That’s disingenuous Bob. That’s a lie of omission. I mean, let’s be frank, “One Legged Bob” doesn’t exactly tell us the whole story, does it?”2,4]]

“Is that supposed to be funny?” says the man who has literally been reduced to a single leg, a one-eyed head and a partially chewed torso. [[“Yes.”->What Bob saw 2,4]] [[“Yes. I am a very funny person."->What Bob saw 2,4]] [[“It absolutely is.”->What Bob saw 2,4]] [[“No. It’s supposed to be HILARIOUS.”->What Bob saw 2,4]]