(set: $depression = 5)
You're sixteen years old. You've been raised a boy your whole life, and a devout Christian. You've never really heard about anything related to the LGBT community except from the shit you've seen on TV. However, ever since your grandad died you've started to question a lot of things about your life: your beliefs, your life style, your everything really. Do you
[[Reflect -> Reflect on life]]
[[Repress -> Repressing your feelings]]
You take a close look at your life. You look at all the times you wanted to play with your sister's barbie dolls more than she wanted to. You look at the times when you were one of the only ones in the house to appreciate the treasured film that is sleeping beauty. You look at the doll you bought in a Cracker Barrell in Indiana just because it looked pretty and you never got one of your own. You look at all the porn you've watched and realize that everytime you watched you imagined yourself as that girl, and became jealous of her. You look at all the times you've tried on your friends bra's as a "joke", or got really into gender bender day at summer camp because it's all in good fun, but really you liked the way you looked and liked being pretty. You look at the times when people asked why you had so many girl friends, and you respond "it's just because I'm able to connect better with them in some weird way." You look at all the times when your friends took away your man card, and you were hurt not because they insulted your masculinity, but because you felt like you truly didn't belong with your friends.
You come to the realization that you're a girl, despite how you've been raised.
[[continue -> First Attempt]]
To be honest, this discovery isn't really sitting well with you. You've never really known a trans person before. All you know about trans people is the shit you've seen in //The Hangover 2//. You start to think that that's all you are gonna be. Some sick fucking joke. And you start to sob uncontrollably, because you think your life is over at this point. You think that the only way you'll ever be happy in life is if you kill yourself. So that's what you try.
You draw yourself a bath, and get undressed. You feel that you're ready to die.
You lie down in the tub, letting the water flow over your face. You close your eyes and open your mouth, and exhale the last amount of air left in your lungs.
[[Chicken out]]
[[Proceed]]
At the last second you open your eyes, throw your head above water and let the air flow into your body. You have a little bit of a cough from the water you started to swallow. You wake up from the haze you were in earlier, and realize what you were about to do. And you begin to cry, because you truly feel helpless but are too chicken shit to end your life.
With nothing left to lose, you decide maybe the next step is to tell someone about this. Maybe they can help. And if they reject you, who gives a shit. Killing yourself is always on the back burner.
[[Tell your best friend in the whole world -> Giving it a name]]
[[Decide this is useless and keep it to yourself ->This isn't going to end well]]
Well for you it's game over. But this is the sad reality of many transgender youth. Take Leelah Alcorn. She killed herself because she viewed her life as hopeless.
http://lazerprincess.soup.io/
This was her old tumblr page, it has been si8nce taken down. The last few posts contain her goodbyes and her suicide note, which I've included for you below
"If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.
Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally “boyish” things to try to fit in.
When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.
My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.
I formed a sort of a “fuck you” attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.
So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.
After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.
Goodbye,
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn"
This is the problem with our society. When young beautiful girls take their lives to become a martyr for our cause. She shouldn't have had to die. No trans kid ever deserves this.
So please, continue to fight for our equality. Stick up for your trans siblings, we need your help now more than ever.
(set: $girlfriends to 0)
(set: $dad to 0)
(set: $mom to 0)
(set: $therapist to 0)
You decide to tell your best friend at your next musical rehearsal. You've known her since you started high school when you met at the opening night of the school show. She was really nice and sweet to you that night. You found out you actually have a lot in common, and ever since you've been inseparable.
As you walk in through the theater doors, you find yourself growing with anxiety and wondering if you should even be here at all.
It's too late though. You've already made eye contact with her and she already knows something is off. She pulls you aside to the back of the auditorium where nobody is.
As you walk over, your mind begins to flood with everything that's wrong with your life. Your grandfather just died not even three weeks ago. His corpse was the first dead body you'd ever seen in your life. The image of bending over his coffin, looking at his lifeless cadaver burns in your mind.
"It's just... I can't believe he's gone."
"I know hon, death is hard."
Tears start to well in your eyes.
"All I wanted was to say goodbye but I never got the chance to! And now I never will!" You look around the room and pray no one is hearing you, but you just can't help yourself. You're completely losing it and sobbing uncontrollably.
She wraps you up in a tight hug and lets you cry on her shoulder for a while.
After a minute or so, a feeling creeps up. You need to tell her. If you don't, your head might explode.
"There's something else too..."
"What is it?"
This is it. There's no going back from here. Once it's out it's out and you can never change that.
"I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately...and I really don't know how to say this. But... I think I'm a girl"
The silence is deafening. Time seems to last forever in this moment. You keep thinking that you're a fucking idiot for even saying anything. But at this point, it is what it is.
But something happens that you didn't expect. She tightens her grip on you.
"I love you no matter what. I'm your momma bear, and I'll be here till the end."
You sigh in relief almost. This idea that had made you want to die was something that the person you look up to most in the world had accepted.
Suddenly you start to feel a little more hope. You still have a long way to go, but hey, your best friend has your back now. Maybe you can do this after all.
[[Continue -> More to come]]
(set: $depression = 20)
[[Continue -> Second Attempt]]
(set: $depression to ($depression + 5))
(if: $depression > 15)[
The stresses of life become too much to handle. There's just so much you can't understand about your own life, and you finally reach a breaking point.
You write your family a note that says "Sorry", and you walk upstairs to your parent's room. You find dad's shotgun, load it with one cartridge, stick it in your mouth and pull the trigger.
[[The End|Proceed]]
]
(if: $depression is 15)[
You really do try to repress this time, but your depression is just getting worse and worse. If you don't deal with whatever this is soon, things might end badly
[[continue -> Begin Again (Again)]]
]
(if: $depression < 15)[
While repressing your feelings works this time, you know in your heart that this isn't gonna work forever.
[[continue -> Begin Again]]
]
You're walking in the mall one day and you notice some dresses in the window of Forever 21. Your first thought is "I wish I could wear those, I want to be pretty like all the other girls." You make a cold stop. This is a really fucking weird thought and this definitely isn't the first time you've had it. Even as you continue to walk back to your car, you feel a sense of shame.
Is it time to [[reflect| Reflect on life]] or [[repress| Repressing your feelings]]?
You find yourself at a party with your friends. Truth or dare starts to happen, and everyones in a circle. Finally it's your turn.
[[Truth]] or [[Dare]]
"Have you ever tried on your sisters clothes just for fun?"
You show a straight face but inside you're panicking. How the fuck did they know this? You reassure yourself that there's no way they could possibly know, but at the same time you're really sweating. You can't say yes because everyone's going to think you're gay or something, but you shouldn't say no because then that would be lying.
"Haha yeah I guess I mean who hasn't?"
Everyone laughs, you're in the clear for now, maybe it's not as weird as you think. You notice some of the guys giving you strange looks but they quickly become entranced by the next dare: two girls kissing. But the fact that this tiny question gave you so much anxiety leads you to believe there's something going on in your subconcious. You literally cannot stop thinking about this the whole fuckin thing even when you get home.
Is it time to [[finally deal with whatever the fuck is going on| Reflect on life]] or [[keep shoving it down| Repressing your feelings]]
"I dare you to try on one of my bras"
You laugh to yourself and decide, hey, it's all in good fun. You walk over to with her to her room and she shuts the door. She gives you one of her bras. You take off your shirt, she helps you put it on and clasp it in the back. You look at yourself in the mirror and you're overcome with the sensation that somehow this feels right. You look at the impression the bra makes on your shirt. You like the thought of having breasts. You just feel a lot more complete.
Your friend shoves you out of the room, and everyone looks and laughs. You laugh along with them because hey it's a joke, but you still feel a little hurt. The party goes on, people grope your invisible breasts and you let them because hey, it's all in good fun, right? Finally it's time to go home, so you take off the bra, hand it to your friend, and drive home.
[[Later in the night]]
You look at the clock: 1 am. You can't sleep. You keep thinking about how good it felt to wear that bra. But this worries you. Boys aren't supposed to wear bras. They aren't supposed to want breasts. You start cycling through your thoughts.
Is this the night where [[you finally deal with what's going on| Reflect on life]] or do you [[take two Benadryl and drift off to sleep -> Repressing your feelings]]?
It's about 1 am. The feelings of hopelessness overcome you again. To be honest, you're done with living again. You feel like this is just fucking useless. Your friends won't love you anymore. Your family is gonna fucking disown you. Everyone is just gonna treat you like one big fucking joke. So that's why it's time for it all to be fucking over. The weight in your chest is just too much. You haven't been doing any homework lately becacuse what's the fucking point. You spend a lot of time in class daydreaming about what it would be like to be free, and about what it would be like to just hang yourself on one of the pretty trees outside. Maybe then the world would fucking care.
You grab a bottle of Benadryl and put it on your night stand. You write a little note next to it.
"Sorry"
You grab the bottle and start pouring pills into your hand. You don't even know if this is going to kill you or not but you don't fucking care. Anything's better than what you're feeling right now.
You stare at the pills. You pray to God that he'll take care of you in heaven because he's doing a shit job here on earth.
[[continue ->Proceed]]
You now have several options, but just know. The order really matters.
(if: $girlfriends is 0)[
[[Come out to your other girl friends]]
]
(if: $mom is 0)[
[[Come out to your mom]]
]
(if: $dad is 0)[
[[Come out to your dad]]
]
(if: $therapist is 0)[
[[Come out to your therapist]]
]
(if: $dad is 1)[
(if: $mom is 1)[
(if: $therapist is 1)[
(if: $girlfriends is 1)[
[[Continue ->You're out......now what?]]
]
]
]
]
(set: $girlfriends to 1)
You decide to come out to some of your other girl friends in your life now that you know that your best friend supports you. You decide to not tell your guy friends just yet. You're afraid that
You come out to them one by one, and even though you knew that they would probably support you, it's nice that they openly support you and tell you that they love you know matter what.
This give you a mass amount of determination to venture forward with your life!
[[Back -> More to come]]
You decide that it's probably time to come out to your therapist. You've been seeing him for a while now, and you've pretty much shared everything possible that you could have shared with him. You've told him about your suicidal thoughts, your obsessive behaviors, your childhood, why wouldn't he be supportive about this? You think that this honestly should be the easiest person to come out to. It's literally his job to be supportive. But it's still nervewracking. You can never tell with mental health professionals really and what way their politics will influence their level of care.
You end up coming out to him in one of your sessions and it goes relatively well. He accepts it with grace, and from this session and onwards helps you explore your identity. He gives you tools to really allow some self reflection, in terms of name choice, when you want to transition, whether or not you want to medically transition, etc. And while you don't have all the answers right now, you are just happy that you can discuss this openly with a professional who can aid your journey.
(set: $therapist to 1)
[[Back -> More to come]]
Now this one is tricky. Friends are easy, but your mom is someone who's known you your entire life. And to be honest, you've never heard her talk about gay or trans people ever in her life.
(That's actually a lie. You distinctly remember one incident surrounding Chelsea Manning at the time of her transition.
"Can you believe that that traitor wants to be a girl now and wants the government to pay for it??? It's crazy!!"
)
But anyways, one day you and your mom are in the kitchen. It's a pretty quiet spring afternoon with nothing much going on. Mom just got home with some groceries and you help her unload them.
Suddenly, you feel that pressure building up inside of you, so much so that you can't ignore it anymore. You work up the courage to ask her a question:
"Mom, what do you think about transgender people?"
"Well, I think they're incredibly mentally ill and I feel really sorry for them"
This really wasn't the response you were looking for. And in fact it kinda stings a little, but you know what, fuck it. You've got the momentum, you're just gonna keep going.
"Well Mom I'm one of them."
She starts laughing, and keeps going until she notices you aren't laughing.
"Oh, are you serious?"
"Yeah"
This begins a long talk between the two of you, asking how long you've known, what you plan on doing, etc. You can tell she's trying to understand but is really struggling for it.
But she redeems herself when she ends the conversation:
"Well you know what? I don't understand, but what I do understand is this. I love you for you, whoever you turn out to be. And I'm always gonna support you."
While this conversation really didn't go the way you wanted it to, it seemed, at least for now, that you were safe with your mom, and that she wasn't going to kick you out of the house anytime soon.
(set: $mom to 1)
[[Back -> More to come]]
This one doesn't really happen on purpose, and it kinda just slips out.
You decided to go to Dave and Buster's with your dad. It's one of your favorite spots to go together, and you love spending time together. But your fun times often disintegrate when he starts going off on one of his homophobic rants on why gay people don't deserve the right to get married. Every time you point out how unchristian it is to say something like that but every time he says that it's god's way that it must be like this.
But this time, on the car ride home from a very fun night, it gets a lot more heated and a lot more personal. Every word he says cuts through you like a knife. And you decide to ask him something a lot more personal this time: "Dad, what do you think about trans people?"
"God doesn't make mistakes about gender."
You grow really silent. You really want to cry because your own father doesn't even believe in the concept. So how is he going to believe in you.
You then start growing really angry, and a burning hot fire ignites in your heart. You start yelling at your father asking how he knows this. And all he responds with is that it's god's way.
The argument continues even as the car ride is over. It just keeps escalating to the point where you can't hold it in anymore. You finally yell as you are storming off to your room "Well dad! I'm pansexaul and transgender so you better fucking get used to it."
How he responds kills you inside. He begins to laugh. And laugh. He starts cackling. You start to cry.
You walk into your room and slam the door shut. You hide under all the blankets and sob openly.
About 15 minutes pass and your dad knocks on the door. You tell him to fuck off but he comes in anyway.
"I just want to understand what's going on"
And so you tell him how you've been struggling, and how you've been really depressed, and how you've finally realized who you are as a person.
You go back and forth for about fifteen minutes or so, and then he finally says it:
"I love you, but I'm never going to accept this lifestyle choice."
You tell him to leave, and you cry a lot more than you did before. Your own father. Who loved you unconditionally for your entire life has finally drawn the line on his love. He will love the christian boy he raised, but not the girl you really are.
This utterly destroys you, and even years after it happens still leaves you stunted emotionally.
(set: $dad to 1)
(if: $mom is 1)[
(if: $therapist is 1)[
(if: $girlfriends is 1)[
[[Back -> More to come]]
](else:)[
[[continue]]
]
](else:)[
[[continue]]
]
]
(else:)[
[[continue]]
]
Without the proper support needed to handle this, life seems to return to it's normal hopeless state. A lot of your life falls completely numb.
One day in class, you accidentally stab yourself with a staple and you draw blood. You notice that it doesn't hurt, but it feels really fucking good to feel again. You truly feel alive feeling the blood leaving your body.
This is the start of a dangerous cycle. Every now and then, when shit really starts getting rough and you feel like you can't handle it anymore, you go to the basement, grab an knife, and start slashing up your inner thigh. You don't want to touch your arms because you know your parents or friends are gonna find out about it eventually. Also you read that your inner thigh has some of the most sensitive skin too, which means it will hurt more. And hurting more means feeling more, at least in your mind.
[[Later on]]
Skip forward a few years, I'll sum up what happens to you between now and your sophomore year of college.
In the years between, you've tackled a lot. Losing friends because they used your transition to control and abuse you, and make you feel ultimately worthless without them because "Who else out there wil treat you like I treated you?".
You've had a lot of arguments with your father, and nobody ever wins. You just argue until you are both tired and stop. You go to visit New York on the same weekend that Gay Marriage is legalized throughout all 50 states. You hear it on the news and get excited but your dad looks out the window and says "Next year we will be celebrating a man marrying his dog."
You tackle going to college, and telling Reslife that you are trans and don't know if you're coming out this year, and they end up giving you a nice single, which is nice considering that you could have been stuck with a transphobic roommate if you didn't say anything. You bring some stuff some of your girl stuff with you because you think you might be ready, but ultimately you aren't assured in yourself so you stay in the closet.
You eventually make projects that help you to explore your identity, writing about trans discrimination, the shit you see in the media, and all sorts of stuff. You start to finally find your roots, and you start to finally feel at home in your own body. You start to not feel trapped in your own body, becausee you recognize that this is your body. It's a girls body because you are a girl.
Finally, after a summer where you work and save up quite a bit of money, after shopping with some friends and getting make up and clothes, you feel that you're finally ready to [[tackle social transitioning]]
One night your friends are really giving you shit for no good reason. Something about you dating someone that you shouldn't be, blah blah blah who the fuck cares. And as the texts keep pouring in, you keep cutting more. It eventually gets to the point where you look down and you count about 10 fresh new cuts all up your left inner thigh.
You have a moment of realization that maybe you should stop, because if you keep going, you might end up killing yourself. But at this point, you don't fucking care anymore. Nobody cares about you, your dad's a fucking prick, and everything's just not worth it anymore.
You give your thigh one last cut. You see a lot of blood pouring out. You know you've hit a major artery because soon there's a big pool around you. But all you can feel in a way is relief, that it's all going to be over.
You eventually succumb to death.
[[continue ->Proceed]]
Welcome to coming of age. I would first like to ask you however, are you [[cisgender]] or are you [[transgender]]?
I ask because for cisgender people, I would like this game to be an empathy game, to put you in the shoes of what it's like to be trans, and to help you understand why accurate advocacy on our behalf is vital.
For trans people, I want this to be a positive experience for you. I want you to see my journey, and how far I've come from. I don't want you leaving this game feeling like it's hopeless to continue. I want this game for you to be a window into my life, and to learn from my mistakes, and just see the same experience from a different pair of eyes. I love looking at other trans narratives because it feels nice to see my story told elsewhere, and I hope that this can provide you with that same experience.
(Please also note, that this is my experience as a transwoman. This game is for the most part autobiographical. This is not representative of every trans persons experience, but this is relatively accurate to my own life. As a woman that is white and that comes from a upper middle class family, I have had certain privleges extended to me that have made my situation easier. Understand that not everyone is as lucky as I am, and does not have the same financial or racial privilege as me.)
Also, please note that there will be mentions of drug use, dysphoria, self harm, suicidal ideation, suicide, and explicit language. Do you wish to continue?
[[Yes ->Beginning]]
[[No ->Hello!]]
Also, please note that there will be mentions of drug use, dysphoria, self harm, suicidal ideation, suicide, and explicit language. This is also my experience as a trans woman, so the general pronouns used will be she/her/hers. Do you wish to continue?
[[Yes -> Start]]
[[No ->Beginning]]
So this is version of the game is going to be much more causal, more conversational. I want to share with you my story, and see if you can guess what I did at certain turns.
[[Begin]]
(set: $score to 1)
(set: $position to 1)
Do you think that I [[always knew -> incorrect]] about being trans from a young age? Or do you think that it [[took me a while -> correct]] to figure things out?
(if: $position is 1)[
I'm sorry, that's not right :(
[[continue -> figuring it out]]
]
(if: $position is 2)[
Nope. I wish I could have told you that I tried first to reach out for help, but I didn't. I did try and end my own life.
[[continue -> suicide]]
]
(if: $position is 3)[
Actually no! She took it incredibly well :)
[[continue -> best friends]]
]
(if: $position is 4)[
This one was actually a trick question. It didn't go well, and it didn't really go poorly either
[[continue -> Mom]]
]
(if: $position is 6)[
Errrrrrr wrong! Sorry :(
[[continue -> coming out]]
]
(set: $score to $score + 1)
(if: $position is 1)[
Correct! [[continue -> figuring it out]]
]
(if: $position is 2)[
Unfortunately, you are right. I made the choice to kill myself.
[[continue -> suicide]]
]
(if: $position is 3)[
Yeah! Spot on, go you!
[[continue -> best friends]]
]
(if: $position is 5)[
Congrats!!! You got this one right (hint, it was literally impossible to get it wrong)
[[continue -> This went so bad]]
]
(if: $position is 6)[
Ding ding ding yes!! You got it
[[continue -> coming out]]
]
(set: $position to 2)
It actually did take me a while to figure things out. While there were certain signs looking back at my life (and probably if I grew up in a more liberal home I probably could have figured it out sooner), I didn't really put the pieces together until I was 16 years old. And then it took a while for me to come to terms with the whole thing, as I'm sure you know.
It's new, and scary. Things don't make sense, especially when you grow up with a bunch of shit on TV telling you that trans people and people that break gender conformity are either (I'm sure all you know the shit that you see on TV, literally it's unavoidable in so many shows).
I also grew up in a strictly chrstian home, which really didn't help things at all. The way I was raised, I didn't """"believe"""" in gay marriage, and I had never heard of trans people before. So when I figured things out, I really hated myself.
What do you think I tried to do?
Do [[the logical thing -> incorrect]] and look at forums online, tell my therapist, and overall try to understand myself better?
Or
Try to [[end my life -> correct]]?
(set: $position to 3)
I did try to kill myself. I won't go into too many details, but I did try to drown myself. I'm not proud of what I did, but I was severely depressed. And I felt completely alone, and everything seemed absolutely hopeless.
I wish I could go back in time and let myself know that it didn't have to be this way, and that I could find the support I needed online, as well as the people around me. Obviously, not everyone has the same support as I do now, but people can honestly surprise you. A lot of people that I thought would disown me as their friend ended up being my biggest allies.
And I'd like to take this opportunity to you, the reader, as well, to say that if you are suicidal, please call the trans lifeline at 877-565-8860. They are here to help you. Remember that no one is too far gone, and no one is too hopeless.
But anyways...
Eventually I did do what was best for me, and that was to start telling people. I eventually told my best friend in the world.
How do you think she took it?
[[Well -> correct]]
[[Poorly -> incorrect]]
(set: $position to 4)
I ended up coming out to her during one of my musical rehearsals! We had met through theater, and she quickly became my best friend in the world, who I could trust with anything.
I told her in a fit of emotion, breaking down after the recent passing of my grandfather. I had purged so much emotion that I just had to get it off my chest. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
I'll never forget what she said to me that day: "I'm your momma bear, and I'm always going to love you." And those words really did warm my heart, and made me feel like I was capable of truly anything.
This helped me to come out to my therapist, who was able to guide me on my journey in finding myself and finding my identity. It gave me the courage to start coming out to my other close friends, who all surprisingly took it well too. I was starting to build a nice support system for myself.
So let's skip ahead shall we to the dreaded one: parents.
I came out to my mom first.
How do you think this one went?
[[Well -> incorrect]]
[[Not well -> incorrect]]
(set: $position to 5)
This one was tricky. There was a day in the spring of my junior year of high school when I decided that I couldn't hold it in any longer. It just became to be too much.
We came home from the grocery store, and as we were putting away groceries, I asked her a leading question:
"What do you think of transgender people?"
"Well I think they are mentally ill and I feel very sorry for them."
This was clearly not an ideal response, but I decided to take a leap of faith anyway.
"Well, I'm one of them."
At first she laughed, but then her face went blank and she asked "You aren't kidding, are you?"
I replied in the negative.
The following thirty minutes was a long conversation with her trying to understand. Thank god she never pulled the religion card and tried to convince me that this wasn't god's way (more on that with my dad later). But overall, she landed on the "I don't understand but I love you anyway." And while it's not perfect, it's still better than nothing. But still not ideal.
Anyways, skip forward a few months, and we reach the end of summer, when I finally tell my dad.
I'm gonna lay out clearly to you how this one went
[[Bad -> correct]]
[[Really bad -> correct]]
[[Literally this went so poorly -> correct]]
So....
My dad and I used to have a great relationship. We would hang out all the time, we would spend a lot of weekends together enjoying each others company, and I looked up to him frequently. But as I came to know myself, and as I became increasingly more liberal with my politics (hint, he's a conservative), we started fighting more. And more. And sometimes would even get in screaming matches. And it was in one of those screaming matches that I came out to him.
We were coming home from a Dave and Busters night, and we started getting into it again. He was telling me how gays shouldn't have the right to be married, and of course I vehemently disagreed with him. We started really getting heated. I asked him what he thought of trans people. And he said to me, and I quote "God doesn't make mistakes about gender."
Of course that really fucking hurt me.
Then finally, when we were in the house, and as I was storming up to my room, I shouted, "Well dad, I'm trans and pansexual (I now identify as bi, bi the way ;))"
He laughed. And he laughed. And he laughed some more.
I ran to my room, and cried really hard. It really hurt me.
He then came up to my room, let me explain myself, and then after all that, ended with "well, I love you, but I'm never going to accept that lifestyle."
That sentence still haunts me till this day. And for those of you out there reading this, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes you get shit like this. And there's nothing you can do about it, except to learn how to pick and chose the people in your life. Remember, family is the family you chose, not the one you are born into.
[[Continue onward]]
(set: $position to 6)
So I'm gonna go ahead and skip forward in my life to College. Nothing of great importance happened in this period. Girlfriends came and went because I pushed them away (even though they accepted me for who I was). I came out to more people, it mostly went well. I had fights with my best friends and fell in wih new groups of people. I graduated high school, went to college, met new people, came out to new people, etc. But I'm gonna skip forward to the month before my sophomore year. This is when I came out and started my transition socially.
How do you think I came out?
[[I just showed up to college and hoped for the best -> incorrect]]
[[Used social media -> correct]]
I came out on facebook (after a bit of preperation with some help from friends i.e. clothes and make up), and it was actually really well recieved. Even old family friends commented and liked, being very supportive of my identity. It was nice, receiving a lot of public support. It honestly filled me up with a lot of courage to step outside dressed as myself. I felt like the world couldn't hurt me.
But the world can be kind of shitty too. Getting harrassed on the streets is not fun, all the stares, the misgendering that I get from the employees at chiptole (And I'm too weak to stop going because I'm a big fan of that shit).
But you know what's worse than all that, for me at least?
The closet.
When I was in the closet, I had no courage. I had no respect for myself. I was depressed all the time. I couldn't get anything done. I let myself go. I smoked a lot of weed, and I drank a lot of booze to escape myself. But when the highs wear off and the drunk turns to a bitter hangover, you're left with yourself, back in the same situation.
But now that I'm out, I'm gaining strength every day. I get even more courage to be myself. Would it be easier to be back in the closet and pretend I'm a cis male? Yeah, sometimes, and sometimes out of safety I have to. But I'm a proud trans woman. And that's never going to change.
I'm going to give you an option to close out the game now, because I'll be talking a little about [[hormone therapy]]
By the way, the scored portion of the game is over, you got $score points! Congratulations! These points ultimately mean nothing, but getting any amount of points is nice too! Congratulations for beating the scored portion of the game!
So here it is. 2 Days after your job ended in early august. You've spent weeks drafting this facebook post, but the day you decide to come out, you just speak directly from the heart.
"So a lot of you probably already know this, but here it is for those of you who don't. I'm transgender. It's taken me about 4 years to accept this and get comfortable in my own skin, but I'm finally ready to share myself with the world. To those of you who have helped me on this journey, I thank you so much for all the support you have lent me along the way. This definitely wasn't an easy process, and I was happy to find support and open arms.
So for those of you who haven't met the real me, my name is @@@@@@@@, I use she/her pronouns.
While I'm very excited to share myself with the world and start the next chapter of my life, I realize that some of you will not be as supportive, understanding, or accepting. And that's fine, but just understand that this is where we part ways. My identity has not, is not, and will never be up for debate or scrutiny. It'll be disappointing to lose some people, but I'm trying my best to surround myself with positive influences. If you find that you won't be one, then please do us both a favor and leave it be. (Not to take down the tone but just a point I needed to make)
Anyways, thank you all so much and I'm very much looking forward to starting the rest of my life ❤️"
You hit [[post]]
You panic. You heart pounds. Holy shit you just fucking did this. You just did this. Everyone's gonna fuckin hate you and your life is [[ruined....]]
You see a like and the first [[comment]]. Well, that's from your best friend in the whole world, you were expecting that one.
Wait.... there are [[2 likes now]]
Oh shit actually so many people are liking it!! This support actually makes you feel so good! And the [[comments]] holy shit!!
I'm so excited for you @@@@@@@!!!
[[back ->ruined....]]
Just changed your name in Snapchat! I'm so happy for [[you]]
So happy for you and cannot wait to see you soon [[❤❤]]
This is so amazing, congratulations! You look [[fierce!]]
You look so [[great!]]
So happy to see this <3 You're [[beautiful!]]
I am your godmother and I love you just as much today as l did yesterday. The only thing I'm wondering is,will this make you a nicer card player or will you still try your best to beat me? Love you [[so much.]]
..........
You're overwhelmed with joy. You didn't expect all this, especially from your god parents. It's honestly just so heartwarming. Everyone took it so much better than your parents ever did. Everyone you're coming back to in college is actually ready to accept you with open arms. You can't wait to [[get the fuck out of your house.]]
It's a few months in college now. People sometimes trip on your name, but you know what, it's better than the shit you get at home.
But hey, honestly who the fuck cares right?
Let's [[get some chipotle!!]] You're hungry and the diner sucks some serious ass
"Good afternoon, sir!"
Sir. You're not a sir. You're wearing make up, my outfit, looks good today, why the fuck is he calling you sir?
.....
You think to yourself that maybe you just don't pass well enough. You feel the eyes of everyone staring at you. You continue on through the line as he continues to misgender you.
"Brown or white rice, [[sir?]]"
"What kind of beans, [[sir?"]]
"What kind of meat, [[ sir?]]"
You walk home in silence. Your confidence shot. The swagger in your step defeated.
You feel the judgemental stares of people who look at you. You hear people fall silent when they see you, and they do an awkward shuffle along the pathways as you pass them.
You've never felt more self conscious in your whole fucking life.
Honestly, you think you're ready to start hormones. You need to start feminizing your face so that you pass better. That, and you just want to look like yourself.
[[Set up an appointment]]
Oh wait, you remember. You can't just set up an appointment with the health clinic to get started. You first have to get a therapist note saying that you're ready to start hormones.
[[Call your thearpist?]]
[[Or give up yet?]]
You call your therapist. He's not there.
You shoot him an email describing what he needs to do. You've seen him for four years so there's no way he'll say no.
*******One Week Later*******
Nothing. You send him another email.
[[Keep going?]]
[[Or give up yet?]]
Well you gave up pretty easy. But that's fair, not everyone has the stamina to go through this laborious process. It's unfair that the medical community gate keeps, and keeps trans people from the treatment that they deserve (and quite frankly, need to survive in this cissexist world).
You are more than welcome to [[try again->Hello!]] there are multiple endings to this story. But please, as you play, learn how hard it can be to survive as a trans person in this world.
Nothing.
You decide to text him. You don't normally do that, but to be honest you're getting a little tired of him not responding.
"Hey, so I've emailed you with a few instructions on how to write the letter. Is this somehting you'd be willing to do? Please get back to me."
You hit [[send]]
"We need to talk. I'll call you in an hour after my next session."
[[Shit.]]
The phone call finally happens though. You're getting really fucking anxious, but your fears are quickly subsided.
He lets you know that he thought you were a different person when you sent the email, and just had a few clarifying questions on what to write about. That's it..
Wow, this went better than expected!! You're finally ready [[to start hormones!!]]
Not so fast. The letter your therapist sent wasn't good enough. You're going to have to meet with the school psychologist who will make the final say if you're actually ready to start :/ Because you know:/ you could be one of those fake trans people :/ that want hormones for no reason :/
[[Keep going??]]
[[Or give up yet?]]
Wow you are a persistent one! Not ready to give up yet!
Well, good news and bad news. Good news is, she's available to talk! Bad news is that it's in 2 weeks. So you have to wait a little bit longer.
*******2 Weeks Later*******
You finally arrived at your appointment! Good for you. Obviously, you're a little nervous, because a lot rides on this.
But good news for you!! She gives you the official diagnosis of gender dysphoria!! So hurray, you're a legal trans now. It's offical. Be happy that you get to be labeled with a mental illness for simply being trans!
Alright, now it's time to [[set up your first medical appointments!!]] How exciting!!
You're super excited. You wake up early, you get your insurance card and ID ready, and you're set!
When you get there, you get directed to women's health!!! Very validating if I might say so myself.
You wait and you wait, and finally, your doctor comes for you.
She tellls you the basics of what's going to happen, you get really excited at the thought of gettings breasts, it's all coming together and it's a dream come true <3 :)
All she needs is a [[few blood tests]] and a physical and you are ready to go!!
It's 2 days after your first appointment. You wake up to your phone ringing.
"Hi is this @@@@@?" Well I need you to come back for a second bloodtest. I think the first one had a few mistakes so lets get a second one just to be sure."
Obviously, you get super excited and you rush on down to the clinic, get your blood drawn (again), and then you rush back home to catch a few extra Zzz's.
Only a few more days till your next appointment and [[you get your hormones!!!]]
"I'm really sorry. But your iron levels are way too high. And your bloods ability to absorb iron is really low. So I can't put you on hormones until we get this cleared up with a hemotologist."
Oh.
Do you [[finally give up yet?]]
Or do you press forward and [[get this iron shit sorted out?]]
Well that took you a long time. It's really humiliating, isn't it?
To get that close to happiness, and to get that close to something brand new and exciting, only to have it ripped away from you moments before it's in your hands?
By the way, you're still gonna need to get that iron shit checked out. Could be cancer. Could be signs of your liver about to die. Could be a genetic condition. Could be anything.
Well that's the end. You go back to your dorm, defeated. You feel utterly hopeless. Life sucks some major dicks. But get over it right? Trans problems are boutique issues anyway, right? It was those pesky trans people who wanted equal rights that cost Hillary the election, right?
Goddamn. You just won't give up will you?
Life has given you a series of fuck yous and you just don't know when to quit, [[do you?]]
By the way, you know the next appointment to get your blood checked out is a month from now, right? You're never going to get on hormones at this rate. Are you still [[going to even bother?]]
Or do you [[finally give up yet?]]
You go to your appointment. He tells you to see a hemotologist. You have a condition called hemochromatosis, which means your body is shit at processing iron. He tells you it's a good thing you guys caught it early, otherwise you could have had serious medical problems later on.
You need to see a hemotologist, an appointment that's also yet another three weeks out. Do you still [[even care at this point about getting on hormones?]]
Or do you [[finally give up yet?]]
Well, your hemotologist surprisingly gives you the all clear to get on hormone. Your persistence has paid off at the cost of some of your mental stability.
It's taken forever, but now you are here. You actually set up your appointment, and your doctor gave you the okay. You can finally start hormone therapy.
Congrats! You're all the way done with this game, but in terms of physical transition, the battle has just begun! You still have to legally change your name, change your gender (but only after your doctor says you are woman enough to change it) (And you have to do this through the court system, get a new passport, change it at the DMV, the bank, the social security admin, your health insurance, your place of work, your school, and last but not least your birth certificate!!). Then, if you want to get GRS you have to save up probably around 15000 dollars, because a lot of insurance won't pay for it (and even if they do, you'll still probably need around that much too). Then you have to take off school or work for a while after the surgery because it's a very intensive procedure (hint, you won't be your normal self till at least 3 months after). Then finalllllyyy after all that change, all that progress, you still risk losing your home, being denied credit, being fired, and being denied service simply for being who you are! So please, I beg of you, keep this in mind the next time you hear someone spouting off on why trans people don't deserve rights, or that's it's the employer's/lender's/whoever's right to discriminate against trans people, please show them this, or at least summed up what you learned. It's a hard journey for trans people, and we need all the allies we can get. So please, advocate for us. We need you.
Alright, I'm not going to lie. This process sucks ass.
Here's what I had going for me going in:
Insurance? Check.
Already had seen a therapist for years? Check.
Underlying medical condition that ended up fucking up the whole process? Check check check DING DING DING DING.
But yeah. So here's the thing about hormones. You have two options really. Go the above ground, insurance approved way by getting diagnosed as a trans medically, and then they give you the pills and your insurance covers it and it's awesome. Or, you do the informed consent method, you can start almost immediately, but insurance says "no thank you!!" and dicks you over, and you have to pay out of pocket for everything. Which can quickly become hundreds of dollars in literally 2 appointments.
So I went with the first one. Which kinda [[sucks.]]
I got my therapist to write me a letter explaining everything (albeit he took his sweet time answering emails), but in any case yeah. I got that. Then the medical office says "Hahaha oops yeah that's not good enough, you're going to need to see the psychologist." During that meeting, I went the honesty route, because I very much have a stereotypical trans experience. However, if you are non-binary, if you don't fit their classic 50's housewife bullshit narrative, **lie**. Lie your ass off. Lie and shape it to be stereotypical. If you don't you can end up getting trapped for years in a never ending cycle of "are you sure you're trans enough????" and it will be super shitty and degrading (I've seen it happen before, its not good).
Of course, if you think you can trust this person, go for the truth. If you think that there's any chance they might hold you back, then just don't bother with truth, they're only interested in hearing a classic narrative. Anything that deviates outside of this will end in a lot of money sunk for nothing.
ALright, so I got my letter, I got my psychologist approval, now it's time for the [[appointment.]]
My appointment process was pretty standard. Blood tests, physicals, things like that. But just as I thought I was in the clear, the nurse slapped me with the bad news.
My iron levels were too high, and my blood's ability to absorb iron was low. So apparently I just had a shit ton of iron sitting in my liver, which if you don't know, is not very good.
So for a while I thought I might have had like a tumor or cancer some shit, but it turns out its a genetic disease called hemochromatosis, which essentially means my body can't really process iron well. So once a month for a while I need to get blood removed so that my iron levels can dip back to normal.
But yeah, that set me back a few months, simply because my doctor didn't feel comfortable giving me hormones until I was seen by a hemotologist, who gave the all clear.
Finally, about 3 months later after I had started this whole process, I finally started [[hormones]]
Ah yes, hormones. The titty pills, as some may call it (I call it that).
So currently I'm on a regimen of 50mg of spiro and 2 mg of estrogen, which will be bumped up to 4 in a few weeks.
Some tips for you trans girls out there:
Drink lots of water. Spiro makes you a thirsty bitch
Taking pills sublingually sucks ass, and tbh it never feels like you're doing it right. And then if you open your mouth to talk a bunch of blue shit oozes from your mouth (gross). The taste is fine, just a little chalky, but who gives an F.
But I have to say. If you are able to get on hormones, and you want hormones, pursue that shit. At least for me, I feel a million times more confident in my gender identity. Like I actually feel like a girl waking up and going to bed at night every day. It's some good shit. I mean, the dysphoria doesn't go away completely, but it's a lot more managable, to me at least.
Welllllll anyways, that's it. Thanks for playing my life story/trans advice twine/general just chillin around. Thanks <3
"Your total is 7.25. Have a good day, ma'a... I mean [[sir!"]]