Alcoholism Simulator

Welcome to Alcoholism: The Simulator [[Play.]]

Monday morning. 7:30a.m. Your alarm goes off...an hour ago. Your wife is screeching at you. You're supposed to drop off the kids. You're gonna be late for work. Your breakfast is getting cold, breakfast she got up early to make for you. [[Get up and hobble over to the bathroom.]] [[Look in your bedside drawer.]]

You don't have a lot of time. You speed through the 3 Sh--'s of the Morning: Shit, Shower and Shave. After you shave, you pause and look at the aftershave and your mind wanders... [[...should I?]] [[What's the matter with you?]]

Black Label. Your favourite! [[Just a sip to wake me up.]] [[Chug chug chug.]]

Mmmm. That warm Christmas morning feeling. Nothing like it. [[Get up and hobble over to the bathroom.]]

Ohhhhh fuuuuck. Alright. Easy, tiger. A long day awaits us. [[Get up and stumble over to the bathroom.]]

You take a sip. Definitely not your cup of spiked tea, at least not this early, but it'll do the job. You're still late though. [[Go brush your teeth!]]

We don't have time for this! [[Go brush your teeth!]]

You begin rinsing with mouthwash and recall fond memories of Jager bombs at frat parties. [[Have a sip and see if it tastes like Jager.]] [[Pretend it's several Jager bombs.]] [[Laugh at the good times and spit out the mouthwash, you're late!]]

Those were good times. We need to get going though. [[Get dressed and head downstairs.]]

As you get your things together, help your kids into the car and nibble on cold breakfast, your wife nags at you incessantly. [[Yes, dear. See you later, dear. I'll pick up the kids from soccer, dear.]] [[Hold on. I think I forgot something upstairs...]]

You go blind for a second, but when you regain your vision, you've never felt better! You know, mouthwash has a little bit of alcohol too. [[Pretend it's several Jager bombs.]]

It does! Something to keep in mind. [[Throw on some clothes and rush downstairs.]]

Mmmmmmmmm, mmm! [[Throw on some clothes and rush downstairs.]]

You rush out the door and jump in the car to wait for the kids. You don't say anything to your wife 'cause let's face it, you actually hate her. By the way, you've had a few drinks - how do you feel? [[Never better!]] [[A little tipsy, but nothing I can't handle.]] [[Ffffffuuuccckin 6/10 bud!!!]]

Alright, if you say so! [[Go to work.]]

You drop off your kids and get to work safely, and surprisingly, on time. Your boss points out that you cut it close, but you're good for now. [[Let's get some work done!]]

Your kids say good morning but you don't hear them because you've been jamming to that Night Ranger song on the radio for about two minutes. [[YOU'RE MOTORIN'! WHAAAAT'S YOUR PRIIIICE FOR FLIIIIIGHT!]]

Since you're too busy doing the drums to Sister Christian, you floor it onto the road without checking for oncoming traffic and back straight into an 18-wheeler, killing you and your kids and leaving your wife a hapless widow. GAME OVER. RANK: LIGHTWEIGHT You know, if you ever have some kind of a [[Groundhog Day->cheers!]] moment, you should really learn to hold your liquor better. But then again what do I know?

You make it safely to work, but God today sucks already. Not to mention you're late to work. Ready to get chewed out by management? [[Let's get chewed out by management.]]

[[Go to your bedside drawer.]]

[[Take a sip, because Gooood, she is annoying.]] [[Chug it.]] [[Hide in your jacket for later.]]

By the way, how do you feel now? [[Never better!]] [[A little tipsy, but nothing I can't handle.]]

The buzz hits you instantly. You stumble downstairs, hoping your wife doesn't see that you're drunk. The kids are already in the car. Your favourite song, Sister Christian is blaring on the radio. [[YOU'RE MOTORIN'! WHAAAAT'S YOUR PRIIIICE FOR FLIIIIIGHT!]]

Ready for work, you head over there safely....but late. Ready to get chewed out by management? [[Ughhh, alright let's go.]]

Blah, blah, blah, tardiness, blah, blah, blah, performance. [[Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'll be sure to be on time next time, sir.]]

Same old getting written up song and dance. And another 6 hours of this bullshit. Good thing we brought us a little party favour! [[To the men's room stall!]]

After that fun little write up, you go to the bathroom to wash your face a bit. In one of the stalls you hear the twisting open of a bottle. Dave peeks out from the stall door with a mickey of Stoli in his hand. "Heard that little disciplinary meeting you had got a little hot. Need a cool down, friend?" [["Shit, why not, I could use a swig.->Why the hell not?]] [[Cmon Dave, it's not even noon yet! Besides, I'm already in enough shit as is.]]

As you wash your hands, you hear the twisting open of a bottle in one of the stalls. Dave peeks out from the stall door with a mickey of Stoli in his hand. "Hey there, bud. You look like you're having a good morning. How about we make it a little better?" You take out that bottle of whiskey you grabbed from the bedside drawer. "Let's make this a party!" [[Party time!]]

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"Suit yourself buddy." He said as he took a swig himself and slithered back into the stall. [[Go to your cubicle.]]

Alright. What do we have to do today? [[Papers.]]

Exciting. What else? [[Reports.]]

Cool. What else? [[Files.]]

Sexy. What else? [[Look at the clock.]]

Lunch time! What to do now? [[See what the other coworkers are doing.]] [[Check your phone.]]

"You have 1 new voicemail. First new message." It's the wife. Uuggggggh. "And if that Stephanie invites you to lunch you sure as hell better say no!" And she goes on...." Uggggggh. [[See what the other coworkers are doing.]]

Stephanie is inviting everyone for lunch at the pub downstairs. Your wife hates her though. [[Fuck my wife, I'm having lunch at the pub.->What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. Besides...it's time for a top up anyways.]] [[Fuck Stephanie, I don't need more shit if my wife finds out I went to lunch with her.]]

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You buy yourself lunch and eat alone, with nothing but the sound of the news covering the Pope's visit to the city to keep you company. [[Sad!]]

Everyone returns from lunch at the pub. "How was lunch?" You ask. "Great! We all had a few beers, but don't tell the boss! At least we'll all be set to make it through the rest of the day." Josh answers. Mmm. Beer. Would have been nice. And needed, too. [[See where Dave is.]] [[Behave yourself and get back to work. You don't need another reason for management to crawl up your ass.]]

You spend the rest of the day writing reports, sober as a judge. No fun, but hey, at least management should be pleased with you. Time to pick up the kids. Well...it's a little early still. [[Stop by the pub that everyone was raving about.]] [[Be a dutiful father and go to your kids' school early.]]

You bang out several shots by yourself and forget what you were supposed to be doing. Right! Grocery store! Wait. Are you good to drive? [[Fresh as a peach!]]

Despite the infuriating traffic due to the Pope's visit to the city, you manage to pick up the kids on time and bring them straight to soccer practice. You realize that your wife asked you to make dinner, and so you head over to the [[grocery store]] to buy ingredients.

As you park your car, you see your phone going off the hook. 7 missed calls, and countless texts from your coworkers telling you how screwed you are. Turns out there was a staff meeting that you missed. Your boss is furious. [[Fuck me.]]

Realizing there's nothing you can do now, you continue on grocery shopping. Wanting to make a nice spaghetti bolognese, you pass by the wine section. How many do you buy? [[One, that's enough for sauce plus a little on the side for dinner.]] [[Three.]]

You check out and head [[home.]]

You check out. [[Head home.]]

You make the sauce, boil the pasta, and by the time that's done, the kids are ready to be [[picked up]].

You go to pick up the kids and by the time you return home, your wife is home and everyone is ready for [[dinner]].

"This sauce is shite." Your wife says. "Haha, mommy said shite! Shite! Shite! Shite!" [["I love you all, too.]] [[Pour yourself a glass of wine.]]

After dinner, you and your wife are laying in bed. You are watching t.v, she's reading a book. "Whatcha reading there, honey?" "The Kama Sutra." "Oh...well then." [[Try to kiss your wife.]]

"Oh that's right, have a drink, it's the only thing you're consistent about anyways!" Little does she realize you've been sober all day. The nerve on her to call me out about the drinking. Well, [[be careful what you wish for!]]

"Mm. Not tonight. Still bloated from that sauce. Good night." She turns out the nightlight. You lay there and reflect on your day. Was there anything you could have done to make your day a little...better? More exciting? What about all that pressure? The shit you took from your boss? Now your wife won't even kiss you. [[Well...where's that bottle of wine?]] [[That's just life, you have your good days and your bad days, and this was one of the worse ones.]]

God, that's good! [[One more, perhaps?]]

Uh huh. Let's see how you fare tomorrow, Mr. Straight Edge. GAME OVER. RANK: BORING. Then again, I guess sobriety isn't the worst thing to encourage. But on the other hand, maybe if you had some sort of [[Groundhog Day->cheers!]] moment, maybe complete sobriety wouldn't be so bad. Or not, who knows.

Did you drop off the kids? Well they're not here anymore and you're at work now....oh shit, here comes management! [["My office, NOW!"]]

Boss rips you a new one. Luckily you started chewing gum at some point between getting in the car and getting here, because if he smelled your breath.... "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" He says. [[Give him the ol' military salute. Yessir!]]

"Get the hell out of my office." Boss says. Hehe. What a day, you think to yourself. You stroll through the office. [[I wonder what Dave's up to.]] [[Is that Stephanie I see over there?]] [[Let's bother Joshua.]]

You go to the men's room to find Dave in a stall, halfway into a mickey of Stoli. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Tardy. Care for a drink?" [["Does the pope shit in his hat? Of course I do!]]

You remember how much your wife hates Stephanie. Maybe that's a sign, maybe you ought to play the field a bit. [[Do me tonight? I mean, doing anything tonight?]] [[Wanna grab a drink tonight and see where things go?]]

"We're hitting the pub at lunch. No exceptions." He says. "Well, if you insist!" In the meantime: [[I wonder what Dave's up to.]] [[Is that Stephanie I see over there?]]

You take a few swigs of vodka, and black out for just a second. When you come to, you realize Dave passed out as well. Not letting anything go to waste, you polish off the mickey and return to the [[office.]]

How you feeling, boyo? [[Dandy!]]

Back in the office. [[Ouuuff...would you take a look at Stephanie?]] [[Where's Joshua? What an asshole.]]

You remember how much your wife hates Stephanie and decide the only rational thing to do now is to make a pass at Stephanie. [[What that mouth do, baby boo?]] [[Into couples, Stephanie?]] [[Me, you, supply closet, right now?]]

"Almost lunch time! We'll see you at the pub then, buddy. [[Ouuuff...would you take a look at Stephanie?]]

You forgot this was your third strike and she flees, screaming about how HR will throw the book at you this time. [[Fuckin' Josh. What is he up to?]]

"Lunch time! Ready to hit the pub!" [[You bet your sweet bippy!]]

Welcome to the pub! Your coworkers are scattered around the place. You see the t.v on the news covering the Pope's visit to the city. Anyways, what do you want to do? [[Have a beer with Josh and the boys.]] [[Bang out some shots by yourself.]] [[Grab a bite.]]

"Ugh. Leave now, or I'll tell HR this is your third strike." Whoops. [[I wonder what Dave's up to.]] [[Where's Joshua?]]

"Almost lunch time! See you at the pub! [[I wonder what Dave's up to.]]

"Beer? Oh no, my friend, we're doing shots!" [[Bang out some shots!]]

You try to order some shots for yourself, but Josh and the boys crash your party. Well. I guess you can't be thaaaaat much of an alcoholic just yet. [[Bang out some shots!]]

Josh comes over and says, "There's plenty of calories in [[booze! ->Bang out some shots!]]

[[Salut!]]

[[Another!]]

[[One more!]]

Don't you think we should eat? [[You just did.]] [[Yeah I could use some carbs.]]

Perfect! Well, I guess it's time to get back to [[work.]]

There's carbs in beer. And besides, you don't have time to order food now, it's time to go back to [[work.]]

Ooooooohh....the booze looks like it's starting to hit you. Is it? [[Maybe, just a smidge hehe.]] [[I think it's time to go home.]]

But I think we've earned us the opportunity to go home early. [[No, you haven't.->I think it's time to go home.]]

You stumble out onto the parking lot and into your car. You good to drive? [[Fresh as a peach!]] [[This is gonna be a bad idea...->Fresh as a peach!]]

Just as you're about to enter the main road, you floor the brakes and just barely miss the Popemobile and his convoy driving by! [["Nel nome del Padre, e del Figlio, e Spiritu Santo!"]]

Blessed on your journey, you head over to the grocery store to gather ingredients for dinner! [[Spaghetti!]]

You know what goes great with spaghetti? Red wine! [[Three bottles, good sir!]]

You check your phone, your boss has been calling. The hell with him, I'm off the clock. [[No, you're not.]]

By the way...was there anything else you were supposed to do after work? [[Oh shit! I forgot the wine!]]

You realize after you buy three more bottles that you already bought three bottles of wine! Are you sure there isn't three of something else you forgot to pick up? Small things that look like you, from a place of education perhaps? [[Nope!]]

K. [[Go home.]]

Time to yourself! What to do? [[Open up a bottle of wine!]] [[Start making the sauce.]]

[[As Nonno would say, one for the sauce, and one for me!]]

Don't forget the wine! [[As Nonno would say, one for the sauce, and one for me!]]

Your wife comes home. "WHERE ARE THE KIDS?!" [[Oh shit!]]

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FORGOT THE KIDS. AGAIN." [[L-L-Look, I can -hic- I can -hic I can -hic- explain.]] [[Listen, bitch.->L-L-Look, I can -hic- I can -hic I can -hic- explain.]] [[Okokokokokok, I'll go get em, just, you just, you watch the sauce.->L-L-Look, I can -hic- I can -hic I can -hic- explain.]]

"Oh my god, you're drunk again!" your wife says. "I'm taking the kids! This is the last straw!" [[Whoops.]]

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She slams the door as she leaves. You're home alone. What to do now? [[Have a drink.]] [[Mow the lawn.]]

You muster up the dexterity to operate your lawn mower. Unfortunately, you use this dexterity to mow the shape of a penis on your lawn. What now? [[Whiskey anyone?!]] [[Disrespect your neighbors.]]

Ouuuf, that's good stuff! What now? [[Whiskey anyone?!]] [[Disrespect your neighbors.]]

Delicious! What now? [[Let's have a glass of wine!]] [[Challenge a fire hydrant to a fist fight.]]

Your neighbors, a husband and wife, are sitting at the porch, judging your life choices and contemplating calling the cops. You take a glove and slap the husband across the face, accusing him of dishonouring you and your family. [[Challenge him to a duel.]]

Your rage and aggression must be unleashed. This fire hydrant is looking at you weirdly. [[Left Jab.]] [[Right cross.->Left Jab.]] [[Right hook.->Left Jab.]]

Classy! What now? [[Hurl racial slurs at your shadow.]]

Wait, what? How are you even...? What? That doesn't even... [[Do you hear sirens?]]

He respectfully declines and flees inside with his wife. What now? [[Let's have a glass of wine!]] [[Challenge a fire hydrant to a fist fight.]]

He is unfazed. He makes for a formidable opponent. You notice your shadow. [[Hurl racial slurs at your shadow.]]

Dammit! Maybe it was the neighbor or the fire hydrant? YOUR SHADOW? Someone called the 5-0! [[Get in your car and flee!]]

As you speed down the road, with no dexterity or skill at all, you wonder how you got here. You realize that in the time span of your little war out on the lawn, your wife and kids never came back. They left you. For good this time. How did you get here? What do you do? [[The only logical conclusion, the only person you can truly and logically blame for your hardship.]]

The next morning the headline of the newspaper read as follows: "POPE ASSASSINATED - LOCAL ALCOHOLIC IN CUSTODY" Game over! Rank - I Am The Liquor Well that escalated quickly. You know, if you ever have a [[Groundhog day->cheers!]] moment, you should probably pace yourself better. Or better yet, stay away from the booze entirely. Or do whatever you want, you're an adult and I'm not your mother.

You remember you have a bottle of Black Label in your bedside drawer. [[All in one go - DO IT!]]

One bottle of Black Label, one bottle of aftershave, one bottle of mouthwash and one bottle of wine later...your wife is leaving with the kids. She slams the door as she [[leaves.]]

You go for a drive to think, but let's face it you're in no condition to think, let alone drive. As you swerve between lanes, just barely missing traffic, your drunken stupor shows you the light, the real reason for your hardship. [[The only logical conclusion, the only person you can truly and logically blame for your hardship.]]

But first, gotta use the little boy's [[room.]]

As you wash your hands, you hear the twisting open of a bottle in one of the stalls. Dave peeks out from the stall door with a mickey of Stoli in his hand. "Hey there, bud. You look like you're having a good morning. How about we make it a little better?" He shakes the mickey at you. [[Why the hell not?]] [[Maybe a little later, Dave.]]

You take a swig, about a shot's worth. Ice cold, just as it should be. Good ol' Dave. "Thanks, buddy!" "Any time. If you need me, you know where to find me. Can't guarantee I'll have any left for you." [[Go to your desk.]]

"Pacing yourself, are we? Smart man!" "Try and save a little for me huh?" "No guarantees!" [[Go to your desk.]]

But first, a warning. This game does not shy away from morbidity or vulgarity or absurdity. There's also some sexual harassment, so trigger warning. Double trigger warning if you've had some negative experiences with alcoholism. This game does not seek to trivialize alcoholism. It is a serious problem. It does seek to highlight some of the tragedy of alcoholism, as well as the views we have towards alcohol. I won't tell you what you're supposed to interpret though, because more than anything, this game is supposed to be a comedy. If this isn't your sense of humour, or don't share the same views on comedy as I do, I think it's best for both of us that you find another game to play. Otherwise, [[cheers!]]

What to do? [[Papers!]]

Done! [[Files!]]

Exciting! Good work today. I think you deserve a break (it's lunch time anyways) [[See what your coworkers are up to.]] [[Look at your phone.]]

Stephanie is inviting everyone for lunch at the pub downstairs. Your wife hates her though. [[What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. Besides...it's time for a top up anyways.]] [[I'll stick around here, don't wanna make the wife mad!]]

"You have 1 new voicemail. First new message." It's the wife. Uuggggggh. "And if that Stephanie invites you to lunch you sure as hell better say no!" And she goes on...." [[What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. Besides...it's time for a top up anyways.]]

Sweet! [[Reports!]]

Welcome to the pub! Your coworkers are scattered around the place. You see the t.v on the news covering the Pope's visit to the city. Anyways, what do you want to do? Remember you only have about 40 minutes. [[Order some food and a beer, it IS lunch time after all.]] [[See what Josh is up to.]] [[Have a drink with Stephanie.]]

Well, guess lunch alone isn't the worst thing in the world. In the meantime, [[I wonder if Dave is still in the bathroom?->Head to the bathroom.]]

You order a cheeseburger and a pitcher of beer to split with one of your coworkers. You get about 3 beers out of it, and your buzz is on. Josh cracks a joke about the pope's hat and everyone has a laugh. A great time was had by all. [[Return to work.]]

Josh wants to do shots. How many do you think you can do? [[Shots might be too much. Might be better to settle with just beer for now->Order some food and a beer, it IS lunch time after all.]] [[I think 2 shots should get me where I wanna be.]] [[4.->Bang out some shots!]]

You have a drink with Stephanie. Hey, wait...didn't the two of you have some kind of HR dispute? [[I think you're thinking of something else.]] [[Yeeeeah....might have come on to her a few times...might have also been poorly received.]]

What to do now? [[Head to the bathroom.]] [[Get back to work.->work.]]

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Whew. Alright. Feeling good. Could use another though. [[Have a drink with Stephanie.]]

Oh. Well then. I guess that's why she seems to be enjoying your company. Anyways, you should probably head back to [[work.->Return to your desk.]]

So you try coming on to her anyways. She throws her drink on you, luckily enough of it ends up in your mouth to not have totally been a writeoff. Anyways, enough of that, you should probably [[eat.->Order some food and a beer, it IS lunch time after all.]]

Mmmmm mmm! Now I'm really ready to work! [[Return to your desk.]]

Sufficiently buzzed as you are, you leave the sweet prince to sleep, along with his "coffee" ready at his bedside. [[Return to your desk.]]

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You blaze through your workload until you realize that you're actually caught up. Your boss notices your incredible work ethic. [["Why don't you head home early? And don't worry about that staff meeting, I don't think it will be necessary anymore." He says.]]

Early end to your Monday. Not bad! Hey, you good to drive? [[Of course!]] [[Yeah...but I do have some time to kill...->Stop by the pub that everyone was raving about.]]

Alright. If you say [[so.]]

You decide to sign out the kids early and pick up them up now. They notice you're in a good mood and it makes them in a good mood. They ask if you can make your famous spaghetti bolognese tonight. [[Family trip to the grocery store!]]

Your kids help you gather all the ingredients. You, of course, grab the wine. How much do you need by the way? [[Just one.]] [[Two, just in case.]]

You go home and your kids help you make dinner while you wait for the wife to get home. [[What a good time! I think I should have a drink to celebrate.]] [[The perfect buzz I've got going on makes this whole day perfect so far.]]

Since you only need one, you drink one in the car. Luckily, you still manage to get home with the kids, but you screw up the sauce. Your wife gets home in time for [[to eat.]]

You've been mixing enough as it is and this wine hits you wrong. You accidently put too much wine into the sauce either. Hope no one notices. You hear the wife come in. [[Dinner time!->Time to eat!]]

Your wife comes in and sees what a great time you and your kids are having. This puts her in a good mood and makes her bearable. [[Time to eat!]]

Everyone loves the spaghetti! What a good [[day!]]

It's bedtime. You're watching t.v with your wife. You tell her about what a good day you had(omitting some details of course), and she comments on how she notices how happy you are. Despite your strained marriage, she says that she still loves you and wants to try to keep making things work. [[Watch her fall asleep in your arms.]]

As you begin to also doze off, you reflect on your day. Let's be real here, it was good because you were plastered the whole way through. Do you think it's worth it? You reach for the Black Label in your bedside drawer and take a sip. Maybe that's a question for another day. GAME OVER. Rank - Functioning Alcoholic You know, if you ever have a [[Groundhog Day->cheers!]] moment, you should see how your day plays out without booze. Or go all in. I'm not your supervisor.

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You get the sauce on the fire. What should we do with three bottles of wine-- [[DRINK->As Nonno would say, one for the sauce, and one for me!]]

You both chug about half of each bottle. You black out in the other stall. When you come to, it's time for lunch! Everyone's gone to the pub it seems. [[To the pub!->You bet your sweet bippy!]]

"The sauce is shite!", your wife says. "That's because daddy was drinking on the way home and was too drunk to do it properly!" The kid says. Little bastard, we were having such a good day too. "OH MY GOD ARE YOU DRUNK AGAIN?!" [[Listen, bitch.->L-L-Look, I can -hic- I can -hic I can -hic- explain.]]

You chug the bottle of wine, you almost black out. When you return to....something resembling lucidity, you're watching your wife scolding you. You're not entirely comprehending exactly what she's saying. The house is in disarray. Only one response seems to come to mind: [[Listen, bitch->L-L-Look, I can -hic- I can -hic I can -hic- explain.]]

You see that Dave has passed out, God only knows how long he's been here, assuming he ever left. Oddly enough, there's still some vodka left and he hasn't spilled it. [[Have yourself a sip.]] [[Finish it.->work.]] [[Leave him there.->Behave yourself and get back to work. You don't need another reason for management to crawl up your ass.]]