Malcolm

=><= Malcolm: a Hero's Journey Instructions <== You need two dice. Put one on the table in front of you. Put the other in your pocket. A top pocket, if you have one, next to your heart. [[Roger.->The ordinary world]]

=><= [[Chapter one->boss fight 1]] [[The ordinary world->boss fight 1]] <==

You walk through a door made of fog, and wonder if it doesn’t let the draughts in. Inside, a cavern strewn with heroes' bodies.      Amidst the bodies stands the boss. He has more eyeballs than is necessary, and a whip of entrails barbed with teeth. ‘Prepare to die,’ he says.      The boss doesn’t know you’ve been grinding like a windmill in a hurricane.      Even so, that whip looks nasty. You’d like to run away. But, as usual, you can’t. [[Attack the boss with SPIKY CLUB.->combat 1]] Flee.

=><= Turn-based combat Level: 99 <== Roll the die. [[1–6->success 1]] [[7->failure 1]]

You hold [SPIKY CLUB] in two hands, walk up to the boss, and donk him on the head. His brains go on the floor.      Maybe you shouldn’t have killed all those rodents over and over again. Not that you had a choice.      The boss’s brains make you feel sick. [[Approach pedestal.->touch the artefact]]

Heptagonal dice support removed in patch 1.2. [[Roll again.->combat 1]]

The magical artefact you’ve been looking for is on a pedestal at the back of the cavern, whispering.      It’s creepy. You don’t want to touch it. [[Touch the artefact.->the switch]] Don’t touch the artefact.

The boss lifts what remains of his head and says, ‘Switch!’ He snaps his fingers, and then dies. For real this time.      The air goes all shimmery. You feel weird.      You knew something was up with that artefact. Why do you do these things? [[Warp.->malcolm's room]]

You’re sitting at a table in a strange room.      The room is decorated with paintings of women dressed in armoured underwear, like you. The table is strewn with crumbs from a shiny packet of something like elven bread, only even thinner and bright orange.      In front of you is a musical instrument with letters representing notes, a magical window, and a long-tailed rodent clad in grey chitinous plates. You donk the rodent with [SPIKY CLUB]. You receive no XP. [[Look through the magical window.->through the window]]

You can see the boss’s cavern, just as you left it. There are the dead heroes, there’s the boss’s body, there’s the pedestal.      One of the dead heroes stands up. He's barely more than a boy, and he's dressed in a wizard's robe. Fluffy, with matching shoes. You aren’t familiar with that school of magic.      He has a ball of flax stuck to his chin, and his thin arms stick out of his sleeves like mops in buckets. [[Bang on the window.->i'm malcolm]]

The boy falls on his back, scrambles behind the pedestal, looks around for the source of the noise. He can’t seem to see you.      ‘Who are you?’ you say.      The boy covers his ears with his hands. You wonder if you’ve over-levelled your voice.      ‘I’m Malco,’ he says. You can’t hear him, but his words appear on the magical window. ‘Is that you, god?’ [[‘Strange name.'->call me malco]]

‘It’s not my real name,’ he says. ‘It’s what the kids at school call me. It’s short for my name, which is Malcolm, and it’s short for what I’ve got, which is malcoordination. The kids at school are really funny.’ [[‘Hilarious.’->umlaut]]

‘Some people put two dots over one of the Os,’ he says. ‘In malcoördination. It’s an umlaut, and it’s there because of diaresis. When I told the kids at school that, they said, Malco’s got diarrhoea. The kids at school are really funny. What’s your name?’      You’ve always hated your name. [[‘SUPERMALCOLM.’->what's going on]]

‘Oh my god,’ says Malcolm, ‘This is amazing. Don’t you see what’s happened? We’ve swapped places. Like Big. Have you seen Big?’      ‘Big what?’      ‘Quantum Leap?’      ‘What are you talking about?’      ‘Your Name?’      ‘I’ve already told you my name.’      ‘Kimi no Na Wa.’      ‘I don’t speak the High Tongue.’ You’re beginning to find Malcolm quite irritating, and have a powerful urge to leave the strange room. It smells, and there’s a crispy sock. ‘Look. Listen.’ [[‘How do we swap back?’->the call to adventure]]

=><= [[Chapter two->new mission]] [[The call to adventure->new mission]] <==

One of those bloody great rectangles appears out of nowhere again. It says, =><= You have a new mission! Find the other half of the artefact. <== Malcolm walks around the rectangle. He prods it with his finger. It swings away, then back, and hits him between the eyes.      ‘What are you waiting for?’ he says, tipping his head back and pinching his nose. ‘Accept the mission.’ [[‘I, SUPERMALCOLM, hereby accept the mission.’->hang on]]

‘Not like that. See the writing?      Words appear on the magical window. The wizards of the fluffy robe must be powerful indeed.      ‘Yes.’      ‘Click on it with the mouse.’      ‘The long-tailed rodent clad in chitinous plates?’      ‘Yes. Put your hand on it, don’t worry, it won’t bite, then—'      ‘Slight problem.’      ‘You donked it. My fault. Should have levelled intelligence.’      ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’      ‘Don't worry. There’s another in the perspex box.’      ‘Perspex?’      This goes on for some time, but eventually you figure it out. Your intelligence level is just fine, thank you very much I don’t think. [[Accept mission.->loot the corpse]]

You hear footsteps above you, coming from the overworld. What manner of beast stalks its alien plains?      ‘Let’s get going,’ you say.      Malcolm pokes the dead boss with his toe. ‘Shouldn’t we loot the corpse first?’      You were just getting to that. ‘Obviously,’ you say. [[Loot corpse.->don the loot]]

A rectangle appears. It says, You found [VERY LIGHT ARMOUR] and [TINY SWORD]. ‘I knew it.’ Malcolm is clapping. ‘I’m a rogue. Don the loot. Don the loot!’ [[Don loot.->over-encumbered]]

Malcolm is over-encumbered.      He had to sit down to pull on his greaves, and now he can’t get up again. He uses [TINY SWORD] like [DRY OAR] to row himself to the side of the cavern, puts his back against the wall, and walks himself upright.      This takes about five minutes, which is enough time for you to come up with a joke. [[‘Now that’s what I call dungeon-crawling!’->refusal of the call]]

=><= [[Chapter three->not going through the door]] [[Refusal of the call->not going through the door]] <==

Malcolm doesn’t laugh. Not because the joke wasn’t funny, it was, it was much funnier than the jokes of the acolytes at the magic school, but because he’s just seen the door. It’s all getting a bit too real for Malcolm.      They do put the wind up you, the first few times.      ‘I’m not going through that door,’ he says. ‘It’s got a skull on it, and the skull is screaming at me.’ [[‘Open the door, Malcolm.'->i mean it]]

‘No.’ [[‘Malcolm.’->meeting with the mentor]]

=><= [[Chapter four->man up]] [[Meeting with the mentor->man up]] <==

‘Malcolm, you’re embarrassing yourself. You’re embarrassing me. The skull is embarrassed. Man up.’      ‘Thanks for the pep talk. I’d never speak to the kids I help with English like that. Although actually they do sometimes speak to me like that.’      ‘Malcolm, if you don’t open that door, I’m going to leave. I’ll go to the overworld, and you’ll be alone.’ [[‘Alone with the screaming skull.’->crossing the threshold]]

=><= [[Chapter five->legs move of own accord]] [[Crossing the Threshold->legs move of own accord]] <==

Malcolm looks at the heroes' bodies. He looks at the dead boss. He looks at the skull, which screams at him.      He reaches for the door. It swings open before he’s even touched it, as if it wants him to pass through. [[Sally forth.->tests allies enemies]]

=><= [[Chapter six->before the first battle]] [[Tests, Allies, Enemies->before the first battle]] <==

Malcolm is in a long, dark corridor. The walls are lined with skulls. Malcolm looks to his left, sees a skull next to his face, and screams.      The skull screams, and Malcolm screams even louder, and all the other skulls start screaming too.      The commotion disturbes a pile of bones, which forms itself into a skeleton and comes rattling down the corridor.      ‘No thanks,’ Malcolm says, and turns to leave.      The door slams shut. The skeleton charges, waving an axe. [[Attack the skeleton with TINY SWORD.->combat 2]]

=><= Turn-based combat Self-esteem level: o <== Roll the die. [[1-5->failure 2]] [[6->success 2]]

Malcolm swings his tiny sword. The weight is too much for him. He misses the skeleton, spins around with the sword’s momentum, falls over, and lets go.      The sword flies out of his hand and decapitates the skeleton. The skull falls off, rolls between Malcolm’s legs, and screams at his crotch. [[‘Wow.’->after the first battle]]

Malcolm stands outside the gates of a school. It doesn’t look like any magic school you’ve ever seen. No one is wearing robes, fluffy or otherwise.      He stares through the bars at a figure standing on the steps that lead up to the school. The figure is made out of a dark and swirling substance. Malcolm grips the bars so tight that his knuckles turn white.      You bang on the magical window, but he can’t seem to hear you. Roll the die. 7+: go to school. [[1—6: retreat.->failure state 2]]

Malcolm looks at the decapitated skeleton, astonished. You’re astonished too. Even the skulls are astonished. Or maybe not. It’s hard to tell. Certainly they couldn’t widen their eyes any farther.      ‘That was really brave,’ you say.      ‘Shut up.’ [[‘I mean it.’->before the second battle]]

Malcolm swings, loses his balance, and stumbles after the sword as if it were infused with the soul of an untrained dog.      He trips over the skeleton’s toe bones, and falls over. The skeleton raises the axe. ‘Please,’ says Malcolm. ‘No’.      The skeleton chops off his head, which rolls up to the magical window and says, ‘It's not your fault.’ [[‘I know.’->failure state 1]]

Malcolm rummages in his inventory, shaking his head and tutting, as if he’s forgotten something.      You can tell he’s only pretending, and so can the acolytes. They laugh at him as they walk past.      He leaves the school grounds, rolling his eyes at the acolytes, silly old me, rounds the corner, checks that no one’s around, and headbutts the wall, again and again.      The magical window turns black. A rectangle appears. It says, [[Load latest save.->combat 2]]

‘Thanks,’ says Malcolm, smiling up at the magical window. ‘It was, wasn’t it?’      He sets off down the corridor. It’s almost a march, at first, but then, as he nears the door at the other end, the door daubed with the bloody smear of a fallen hero, he slows down, stops, and shakes his head.      ‘What’s the matter?’ you say.      ‘I don’t think I can do this.’      ‘Of course you can. It’s all about confidence, Malcolm. And you should be confident. You just defeated a skeleton. Whatever’s in that room, you can handle it. Seriously, [[‘what could be worse than a skeleton?’->the second battle]]

Malcolm is in a corridor with three skeletons. He looks up at the magical window. ‘You had to say it.’      ‘You’ve got this,’ you say. ‘We’ve got this.’      Two of the skeletons rattle towards him. The third walks repeatedly into a wall. [[Attack skeletons with TINY SWORD.->combat 3]]

=><= Turn-based combat Self-esteem level: 1 <== Roll the die. [[1—4->failure 3]] [[5–6->success 3]]

One of the skeletons charges at Malcolm. The other waits politely for them to finish.      Malcolm doesn’t move.      ‘Malcolm,’ you say, ‘what are you doing?’      ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘I’ve got it all figured out. It’s like the Matrix. Have you seen the Matrix?’      ‘Malcolm. The skeleton.’      ‘This isn’t real, and if I really believe it isn’t real, it’ll all go green numbers and the skeleton’s sword will be super slow and I’ll catch the blade between the palms of my hands. Wait for it…’      The skeleton’s sword goes in Malcolm’s throat. [[‘Oh, Malcolm.’->failure state 1a]]

One of the skeletons charges at Malcolm. The other waits politely for them to finish.      This time, Malcolm knows what to do. He spins around, falls over, and flings his sword at the charging skeleton.      The sword flies past the charging skeleton and into the skull of the skeleton politely waiting, which dies. Or whatever skeletons do. [[Attack the charging skeleton with BARE HANDS.->combat 4]]

=><= Turn-based combat Self-esteem level: 2 <== Roll the die. [[1—3->failure 4]] [[4–6->success 4]]

The skeleton stops charging and looks at Malcolm with what might be awe. Hard to tell.      ‘Malcolm!’ you shout. ‘Now!’      ‘Oh shit,’ says Malcolm, running at the skeleton, ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit.’ He shrieks, grabs the skeleton’s skull, and pulls it right off.      The skeleton crumbles.      Malcolm looks up at the magical window, grinning. ‘Did you see that?’ he says.      ‘Malcolm.’      ‘Were you watching?’      ‘Malcolm!’      The skeleton that’s no longer walking repeatedly into the wall stabs Malcolm from behind. A sword comes out of Malcolm’s stomach. Blood comes out of Malcolm’s mouth. He gurgles.      ‘Did you see?’ [[‘I saw.’->failure state 1b]]

The skeleton stops charging and looks at Malcolm with what might be awe. Hard to tell.      ‘Malcolm!’ you shout. ‘Now!’      ‘Oh shit,’ says Malcolm, running at the skeleton, ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit.’ He grabs the skeleton’s skull, shrieks, and pulls it right off.      The skeleton crumbles.      Malcolm looks at the skull in his hands. ‘This is just like DecapAttack,’ he says. ‘Have you played DecapAttack?’      ‘Not now, Malcolm.’      ‘DecapAttack!’ shouts Malcolm, and flings the skull at the skeleton walking repeatedly into the wall.      The skeleton explodes. [[‘Boom!’->approach]]

Malcolm is walking along the branches of a giant tree. The tree sticks out of the cavern wall, sideways, and doesn’t make any sense, according to Malcolm, because it can’t photosynthesise where there’s no sun, and as the cavern is mainly made of old bones he very much doubts there’s much by way of nutrients for the tree to absorb via its semipermeable membrane.      You’re impressed with the all things Malcolm knows, but you don’t say so because you’re feeling insecure about your own intelligence level.      Neither of you has spoken since the conversation about the tree, and it's starting to get awkward. [[‘You okay, Malcolm?’->dog 2]]

Malcolm doesn’t hear you. He’s picking at the skin beneath the ball of flax on his chin.      He reminds you of the sheepdog your uncle had. The one that was scared of sheep. The one that wore a cone of parchment to stop it nibbling itself. The one with the arthritis in the back legs, which your uncle replaced with the wheels of your cousin’s toy chariot.      The one that thought the other dogs were just playing, even though they bit him till he bled.      ‘Malcolm,’ you say, a little louder, [[‘is your chin alright?’->dog 3]]

'It's itchy,’ he says.      ‘What happened to it?’      ‘There’s this kid at school. I fell over on the steps and broke my chin, and I had to go to the hospital, and they put butterfly stitches in it, and cotton wool on the top of the stitches, to keep them clean or something.      ‘And now this kid waits on the steps for me every day, and pulls the cotton wool off, and I have to go to the hospital again.’ [[‘He sounds awful.’->dog 4]]

‘She.’ [[‘Oh.’->loss of confidence]]

Malcolm has reached the bottom of the tree, or the top. In front of him is a door made out of fog. You know what that means, and so does Malcolm.      ‘Supermalcolm,’ he says. ‘I don’t think I can go in there.’ [[‘Team meeting.’->mentor again]]

=><= [[Chapter eight->i'll be there with you]] [[Meeting with the mentor (again)->i'll be there with you]] <==

‘What’s the matter?’ you say.      ‘I’m scared,’ Malcolm says. ‘Aren’t you ever scared?’      ‘Of course. All the time. People have the wrong idea about heroes. We don’t enjoy fighting skeletons, and bosses with too many eyeballs, or whatever’s through that door. Adventures are only enjoyable afterwards, in retrothingy.’      ‘Spect.’      ‘Spect. We enjoy telling people about having fought skeletons and bosses, in an inn, by the fire. Hey, there’s something to look forward to. How old are you? Maybe not the inn bit.’      ‘I’ve had beer before,’ he says.      ‘And you know what?’ You tap gently on the magical window. [[‘I’ll be right there with you.’->the ordeal]]

=><= [[Chapter nine->boss fight 2]] [[The ordeal->boss fight 2]] <==

‘Alright.’ Malcolm sticks his hand into the door made of fog. ‘Draughty,’ he says, and steps through.      It’s dark inside, and the ground is uneven. Malcolm trips over. The magic window flies in close. He's lying on a load of headless corpses.      ‘So that’s where all those skulls came from,’ he says. ‘But why were they screaming?’      At the back of the cavern, something giggles and scampers.      ‘Ah,’ you say. ‘A summoner. Now, Malcolm. Don’t freak out, but you’re about to face your greatest fear.’      A wake appears in the corpses, surging towards Malcolm. It circles him, twice, and then a small, dirty boy erupts from beneath the bodies, whispers in Malcolm’s ear, giggles, and dives back into the ground.      ‘What was that?’ says Malcolm. His eyes turn black. ‘What’s happening?’ Thick cords of a dark and swirling substance shoot from his eyes, entwine at the other end of the cavern, and take a human shape.      ‘Oh god,’ he says. ‘It’s her.’      ‘Her?’      ‘She looks a lot bigger when she’s standing on the steps.’ [[Attack the greatest fear with TINY SWORD.->combat 5]]

=><= Turn-based combat Self-esteem level: 3 <== Roll the die. [[1—2->failure 5]] [[3–6->success 5]]

‘Look at all the hairs on its chinny chin chin,’ says the dark and swirling figure, levitating towards Malcolm. ‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll rip them right off.’      ‘Oh, I see. It’s about confidence, isn’t it?’ says Malco, looking at the magical window. ‘Like the Matrix bit earlier, except it’ll work this time.’      ‘Er.’      ‘That’s the thing with bullies. They’re more scared of you than you are of them.’      ‘I think that’s spiders.’      The figure is right in front of him now.      ‘I’m going to school,’ he says, wagging his finger back and forth like a metronome, ‘and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.’      The figure laughs, and tears the flax from Malcolm’s chin. ‘Ow,’ he says. ‘Hey.’      The figure tears the chin from Malcolm’s face. Malcolm looks at you and says something that sounds like, ‘Sorry.’      The figure tears the head from Malcolm's body. [[‘It's not your fault.’->failure state 1c]]

‘Look at all the hairs on its chinny chin chin,’ says the dark and swirling figure, levitating towards Malcolm. ‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll rip them right off.’      Malcolm ignores the figure, which is levitating really slowly, and follows instead the wake in the corpses to a corner of the chamber, reaches between the bodies, lifts the small, dirty boy up by his hair, and slaps him. ‘No,’ he says.      The boy looks startled.      ‘Naughty,’ Malcolm says, and punches the boy in the mouth. The boy starts crying.      ‘Steady on,’ you say.      ‘I’m not allowed to do this at school,’ he says, and punches the boy again. ‘Stop it.’      The boy points at the dark and swirling figure, which vanishes, then buries his head in the breast of a decapitated woman, and sobs.      Malcolm grins up at the magical window, and shows you his thumb. [[‘Er. Way to go?’->the reward]]

=><= [[Chapter ten->touch the artefact 2]] [[The reward->touch the artefact 2]] =><=

The other half of the magical artefact is on a pedestal at the back of the cavern, whispering. Malcolm stares at it. [[Touch the artefact.->what's the matter]]

Malcolm doesn't move. ‘What’s the matter, Malcolm?’ you say. ‘Take the loot. You’ve earned it.’      ‘It’s just…’ [[‘Yes?’->i'll miss you]]

‘What’s waiting for me? If we swap back?’      ‘School. You can go to school now.’      ‘But she’ll still be there, and I won’t have a sword this time. Or a dirty boy to punch.’      ‘You don’t need a sword, Malcolm.’      ‘And what about you? I’ll miss you.’ [[‘Me too.’->together]]

‘I’ve got an idea,’ you say, taking the other half of the artefact out of your inventory. ‘We’ll do it together. Touch it on three, okay?’      ‘Okay.’      ‘One, two, [[three.’->the road back]]

=><= [[Chapter eleven->a tap on the shoulder]] [[The road back->a tap on the shoulder]] <==

Malcolm stands outside the gates of his school. He looks up, towards the magical window, but you aren’t there any more. He knows, somehow.      He stares through the bars at the figure on the steps. ‘I can’t do this,’ he says.      ‘No,’ you say, tapping him on the shoulder. ‘But we can.’      ‘You’re here!’ he says. He grabs a passing acolyte by the strap of his inventory. ‘Good morning, James. This is my friend, Supermalcolm.’      ‘Nice to meet you, Supermalcolm,’ says James, and then turns to his companion. ‘Malco’s lost it.’ They walk off sniggering.      ‘I don’t think they can see me,’ you say.      ‘But you’re here, right?’      ‘I’m here,’ you say. ‘Ready?’      ‘Ready.’ [[‘Let’s go.’->second die]]

=><= Instructions, part two <== You can take that other die out of your pocket now. [[Roger.->the resurrection]]

=><= [[Chapter twelve->boss fight 3]] [[The resurrection->boss fight 3]] <==

‘Here comes Malco,’ says the girl on the steps. ‘His mum’s a manky alco.’      Malcolm starts rummaging in his inventory. You put a hand on his arm. ‘Not today.’      ‘I don’t have a weapon,’ he says.      ‘That’s okay,’ you say. ‘Use your words.’ [[Attack the girl with WORDS.->combat 6]]

=><= Turn-based combat Self-esteem level: 4 <== Roll the die. [[1—6->failure 6]] [[7—12->success 6]]

‘Lot of good that’ll do,’ says Malcolm, and punches the girl in the mouth. The girl looks startled, and then starts crying.      ‘Oh my god,’ says a professor of magic. ‘Malcolm, what have you done?’      ‘It’s okay,’ says Malcolm, picking up teeth. ‘They were ready to come out anyway.’      Several professors restrain Malcolm until some Moral Wardens show up and put him in a flashing carriage.      You touch the artefact, the air goes all shimmery, and a rectangle appears. It says, [[Load latest save.->combat 6]]

‘You’re absolutely right,’ says Malcolm. ‘It’s all about confidence.’      ‘Not this again.’      ‘Elizabeth,’ says Malcolm, ‘you mustn’t make fun of other people’s mothers. Even if they do get a bit tipsy.’ The girl reaches for Malcolm’s flax, but he grabs her hand. ‘Report to the principle’s office at once.’      The girl looks stunned.      ‘You heard him, Elizabeth,’ says a professor of magic. ‘Off you go.’      ‘Yes, sir,’ says the girl. ‘Sorry.’ She hangs her head, kicks a stone, and walks slowly up the steps.      ‘Come along, Supermalcolm,' says Malcolm, and heads into school. [[‘Yes, sir.’->return with the elixir]]

=><= [[Chapter thirteen->the end]] [[Return with the elixir->the end]] <==

Acolytes sit at small tables with lids, chattering. Malcolm walks in and stands by a white wall with writing on.      ‘Good morning Mr Malco,’ say the acolytes.      ‘Good morning, class,’ says Malcolm. ‘From now on, please call me Malcolm.’      ‘Good morning Mr Malcolm.’      ‘Right then,’ says Malcolm, turning to face the wall with writing on. ‘Diaresis.’      One of the acolytes sniggers, but his friend tells him to shush.      You take a seat at the back of the room, and wait for Malcolm to level your intelligence. =><= The end. <==

=><= [[Chapter seven->dog 1]] [[Approach->dog 1]] <==