I've always imagined fighting my enemies in some kind of sci-fi samurai showdown in my dreams or whenever I daydream.\n\nMy imagination was delinquent and undying. It would come up with the drollest scenario. \n\nFighting my friend Mark on the moon with Marvel-esque abilities, or sitting along the sea shore holding hands with Clarke, looking out into the distance with the moon's reflection in the water and sky as our only source of light.\n\nIt was beautiful, but my mind was always focused on something I can never earn.\n\nI don't expect to win a million dollars. I don't expect my IQ to shoot through the roof and help create vast machines for NASA to send out into space. Heh, I won't even anticipate someone who has no interest in me sexually to drop his sexuality to make me happy, either.\n\nNeedy, sure, but never clingy. I'm not THAT kind of person. I know when people need their space. Even I can understand that.\n\nKeeping my mouth shut is a good start. I always feel like I should tell someone the truth and when I do, it backfires and drama emerges from the pits of hell to chase after me - making sure I never do it again.\n\nHonesty doesn't mean things will be okay. Neither does it promise that something will go wrong.\n\nSo what the fuck am I supposed to do? Lie?\n\nDammit, I need to talk to Mark. Maybe he'll understand.\n\n[[Text Mark|Text a friend]]\n

Going through all these emotions, I learned that dwelling in my house doing nothing productive for weeks made me feel gross. I needed to get out and experience things.\n\nWhenever I daydreamed, I imagined that I was dead and people I'm aquainted with would come to my funeral, except I would see everything that was going on. It was eerie seeing them weep over my body... like they'd actually miss me.\n\nI'm not sure why my mind decided it would show me things like that, but the most fucked up part was that every once in a while, no one would be at my funeral. No one. Not even a curator. \n\nI'd wake up or snap out of it feeling incredibly depressed thinking that could be a reality and I wasn't sure about the things I could do to avoid it.\n\nIt was messed up but my mind had no intention of bringing any ideas to my attention that was cheerful. Not anymore.\n\nNo matter how I shitty I felt to the point that I didn't want to live anymore, there are people who still want me to be alive, I think. Well, besides the people who bully me. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I'm doing my best to keep those feelings at bay.\n\nIt felt like I could make the jump over the next hurtle. Maybe not on my own, but slowly with the help of my friends I think I can do it. Maybe I'll be able to do it on my own someday, but baby steps are important, right?\n\nI guess only time will tell what happens for me, but I'm optimistic. \n\nI'll try to let people in. I'll try not to fall into the dark side.\n\nIf I feel like I'm slipping, I'm sure there are some people I can count on that can help me bounce back onto my feet.\n\nIt's an affair that I'll remember for a while. There's no way to forget something that could have ended me. I need to be more alert to the future and keep calm.\n\nI want to be the best I can be and I have only my friends to support me. \n\nLets see if I can pull this off. Even for a little while.\n\nI'm not saying I'm optimistic, either. \n\n[[Continue|Last one]]\n

"Are you okay now?"\n\n---\nObviously not...\n---\n\n[["Not really. On a scale of 1-10, I'm a 2."|Jesse convo 2]]\n\n

You dip your finger into the jar of hazelnut goodness and put it in your mouth as you lick the treat off your finger.\n\nIt was good. You wipe your saliva-covered finger on your right hip.\n\nYour appearance may look like you're having fun, but inside, you're crying out. No one will know you're not okay by looking at you.\n\nYou feel lonely...\n\n[[Text a friend]]\n

Clarke was something else. He was charming. I enjoyed being around him. We were really good friends despite only knowing each other for a couple months. Except, I wanted more than that. I liked Clarke. I really did. More than I ever should. I would even go as far to say that I might even love him. Fuck.\n\nI know I shouldn't think like that, but that's what I have to deal with. It's unfortunate that he's everything I look for in a guy and being gay doesn't help me in any way, shape or form.\n\nI really messed up our friendship when I told him I liked him. It's one of the top things I regret. I've talked about it with Danielle and she would always ask me if "you guys are doing okay?" as if we were dating or something. \n\nThe thought crossed my mind every damn day.\n\nIt was an odd concept, but I never said anything to her about that.\n\nThe whole ordeal was tragic in itself, too. We were out with friends and I pretty much told him by using hand gestures, frequent use of the word "uhh," and making him guess. Man, I must have looked so fucking stupid that night.\n\nHe said that he didn't mind and that he was a changed person and it would have bugged him then, but not now. I don't know how true that is, but I'm going to call bullshit on that.\n\nHe treated me differently and it didn't take a genius to figure that out. Maybe it was for the best. I may have treated him differently as well, but only to avoid liking him even more than I did.\n\nDo you know how hard it is for me to let go? I mean, I'm not clingy or some kind of hoarder and I didn't send him nonstop messages asking how he was, but it got to the point where I started to feel uncomfortable being around him. Uncomfortable around the man who would never love me back.\n\nHis smile that made me happy made me feel disgusted and I didn't even feel like keeping eye contact. I wanted nothing to do with him, and I missed him.\n\nHis message:\n\n"Haven't heard from you since mid week and your online presence have been pretty inactive. Starting to get a bit worried."\n\n[[How implausible...|Clarke convo]]\n\n

"Lets do something tonight."\n\n---\nSide note that I had no intention of going anywhere with this fool. If something was even planned, I'd say I'd see you soon and not go.\n\nMaybe that makes me an asshole, but I didn't care. I didn't care about his feelings because he didn't have the slightest respect for mine.\n\n---\n\n[["Okay."|Shawn convo 3]]\n\n

"You don't need to apologize to me. I won't act like I know what you're going through because I really don't.\n\nI don't intend to get on your nerves and I really don't need to know where you are at all times, but when nobody heard from you for days, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.\n\nI consider you one of my closest friends, whether you want to believe it or not. I never looked at you differently after you told me that you liked me and I hope it didn't feel like I was treating you any differently.\n\nIf you'd prefer to not be around me, so be it. I'll respect that. But just know I'm here for you. Those aren't empty words, you're my friend and even if we don't speak for the next year, you'll still be my friend. Whether you give a fuck about any of this, that's up to you.\n\nI won't lie and say my life is identical to yours but I do understand the fake smiles and laughs. I do that a lot. I've often just considered just picking up and leaving everything behind. I've though about who my friends are, who I can trust. And you can trust me."\n\n---\nTrust you..? that's funny. I don't trust anyone and I've told you that on numerous occasions. Yeah, I can say we're (were?) friends, but that doesn't mean I'm going to trust you. I feel like you only talk to me when you need something. Is that friendship? Maybe I'm being too demanding? Who am I, really?\n\nJust disappear. What do you know anyway?\n\nFuck you.\n\n---\n\n"I just hope you'll let somebody help you. I don't mean medication, I don't mean interventions, I don't mean therapy. Please, just find somebody and try to work your way through this.\n\nIf you're ever ready to speak to me again, you know how to get a hold of me."\n\n[[What the hell, man...|Process that]]

Whenever I look at photos of myself when I was younger, I seemed so… happy. Like nothing else mattered in the world. All I needed was cheese strings and Saturday morning cartoons and I was on top of the world. I was me.\n\nI had two loving parents: My mom worked with the city and my dad was an electrician. They seemed to love their jobs. I mean, we weren't swimming with money, but they never complained about it either.\n\nI never talked to them much. When I used to live with them they seemed more like roommates more than parents. They had no idea what I did with my time and they didn't really bother to find out.\n\nAs I got older, reality sunk in and everything went wrong. I was no longer happy. I had to put on fake smiles on a daily basis. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I failed classes at school and lost friends over my stupidity and careless decision-making.\n\nWhen I was in elementary school, I attempted to end my life. I couldn't take it anymore and being surrounded by people who didn't care and bullied me because of my interests, weight and everything else didn't make it easier for me. Fortunately, I just managed to get myself sick. But that day was just the beginning for everything else that was going to go wrong in my life.\n\nSometimes I'm not even myself. I'll say or do things that I don't mean and when I come around, everyone's mad at me. It's not my fault. I can't control the things that happen in my mind.\n\nHell, it happens so much that I can't even bother to apologize anymore. What's the point? It's just going to happen again and again. I'm surprised my “friends” have even bothered to stay by my side this long. I can only assume that their patience is running thin...\n\n[[Continue|The beginning]]\n\n\n\n

I could feel that my face was still damp from my tears.\n\nYou think yourself into oblivion. Hours pass.\n\nIt's evening and there's an interesting event I wanted to attend.\n\nThe first thing that came to mind was I didn't want Danielle to be there. I don't hate her. I'm just not ready.\n\nTraffic wasn't too bad getting into the city. New York does that sometimes. My windows were down so the cool breeze felt good as I drove on the highway. It was a nice sensation. I was felt like I could be ready for anything.\n\nI've realized that I shouldn't say I'm ready for anything because what happened upon my arrival was the worst thing imaginable.\n\nI walked through the front door and the first people I saw congregating was Danielle, but check this, beside her was Clarke. Fucking Clarke.\n\nNope nope nope nope nope.\n\nThis is too much. I have to be somewhere else.\n\nMy heart raced, my breathing got heavy and everything went so slow.\n\nMy vision twisted and turned to the thought of even talking to either one of them that night.\n\nAnd I thought getting out of the house was a good idea.\n\nDanielle turned her head like she sensed my presence. It was sinister. Our eyes locked then mine broke free and looked elsewhere. \n\nI think she waved, but I wasn't sure. Maybe it wasn't that much of a big deal that she was there. But Clarke, oh ho ho ho, Clarke. He looked at me, and then faced forward.\n\nAt that point my heart was making its way towards my mouth. I felt so sick.\n\nI did not want him there and there was nothing I could do about it.\n\nMaybe I wanted to walk up to him and tell him to leave. Yeah right, I'd vomit my heart on his lap before words escaped my mouth.\n\nI confided in Ellie and Harvey, other friends from the diverse community within the city who I've been talking to besides my main "friends."\n\nThe event was to start in mere minutes, but I left with them to go outside and get some fresh air. It wasn't magic, but having them know my situation made me feel safe from Clarke and Danielle's grasp.\n\n[[Continue|Stay put]]

This shit is magic. I don't have any bread, though. \n\nCaveman style, it is.\n\nYou open your kitchen drawer and realize there aren't any clean cutlery.\n\n\n[[Wash a spoon|Wash spoon]]\n\n[[Use your hand|Eat like a caveman]]\n\n

"Yay! I think."\n\n---\nDid he read through my sarcasm? Or is he some kind of pshychic who can read my mode over the interwaves of the cell towers?\n---\n\n[["Yeah, that's my reaction too. I'll be as honest as I can without getting nervous and dying. This whole trusting friends thing is a little more than I can handle."|Jesse convo 4]]\n\n

"Can I do anything to help?"\n\n[["Well you've known me long enough so maybe when you're not busy and I'm not angry at everything, we can chat."|Jesse convo 3]]\n\n---\nI didn't want to regret that too.\n---

I sauntered over to the washroom. It just hit me how dirty my apartment is. I haven't really done much of anything around here and it shows.\n\nDishes are piling up, clothes are everywhere and it's not suitable for me to have guests over. I don't think it ever will.\n\n"I'll clean it," I told myself. I didn't believe myself either.\n\nIt's so easy to lie to myself.\n\nI stood before my toilet and peed.\n\nMy urine was a deep yellow. It reminded me that I should lay off the sugar and drink more water. \n\nWhat should I do?\n\n[[Wash my hands properly|Wash my hands properly]]\n\n[[Rinse my hands with water|Rinse my hands with water]]\n\n[[Skip the hand-washing and get food|Breakfast]]\n

"Hey, you okay?"\n\n"Text me back so I know you're okay. Please."\n\n"Just an, 'I'm alive.' I'm worried about you."\n\n---\nI didn't want to answer. \n\nWhat the hell was I supposed to say? "Oh, yeah, everything's peachy and I'm just trying to think of ways to explain why I ignored you for days."\n\nI'm not okay and I wish people would stop asking me that. It's not going to change any time soon so asking the same damn question over and over again will get you the same obvious response.\n\nI just want to be alone. I'm not ready to face her or anyone else right now.\n\nPeople wanting to see me creates too much anxiety in my mind and it makes me freak out because I don't know what to say or do. Without those, it's pointless to even talk to me. You're not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere and this is a fact that should be known to all.\n\nI can't even describe the sensation of being pulled apart from unwanted feelings.\n---\n\n[[Let it out|Cry]]\n\n

"Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Hot enough for you?" The other muffin says, "Aah! A talking muffin!"\n\n"This is why I don't tell jokes."\n\n---\nHe was so dumb - a good dumb. The dumbest.\n\nI appreciated him not being incredibly serious. Well, I was serious, but fuck, I needed some kind of comedic relief.\n\nNot that that's what Jesse was, mind you. Somehow I thought he knew where the lines are and was cautious of whether it's the right time or not to cross it.\n\nHe gets a gold star sticker for that.\n---\n\n[["When can I stop by and bug you?"|Jesse convo 7]]\n

"Any time you like. I'm free Saturday after 4."\n\n"If you want to stay on Saturday, Mark is coming over to watch a movie."\n\n[["As long as I don't have to tell my life story to a crowd and I'm able to recover myself to be social later on in the evening, that's fine with me."|Jesse convo 8]]\n\n

"Hahaha."\n\n[["I'll probably require hugs too.|Jesse convo 5]]\n\n

"You always require hugs, so I'd be okay with that."\n\n[["Good. That's pretty much what I've been living off of for the past week. Tell me a joke.|Jesse convo 6]]\n\n---\nNot really, but I just REALLY need one.\n---

"Donkey dick."\n\n---\nYou're seeing thos, right?\nYou ARE seeing this right?\n---\n\n[["You want me to be your donkey dick?"|Shawn convo X]]\n\n

You decided to stay. \n\nIf they know what's good for them, they'll keep their distance and stay the fuck away from me.\n\nYou stay as far away from them as possible, but the back of their heads was in my vision and I couldn't look away.\n\nI felt like everyone was watching me freak out. I put Ellie's hand on my chest to make it known that my heart was racing.\n\nYou're terrified as fuck. You want to tell someone to tell them to leave, but having no backbone makes you mute. Unable to communicate with anyone.\n\nThe workshop began and of course everyone had to introduce myself. WHAT THE HELL. If my anxiety was some kind of rocket, it would have enough energy to fly a rocket to the moon. \n\nNO NO NO NO. \n\nFUCK FUCK FUCK!\n\nWhat am I going to do when it's my turn? Are they going to turn around and look at me say my name and why I'm here?\n\n\nIt's your turn. What are you going to do?\n\n[[Stay quiet|Stay quiet]] and let them move on to the next person, or adjust my heart to the correct spot in my chest and [[just participate|Speak up]]?

At first sight, he looked like a nice guy. He looked like someone who I could have something in common with, and it was true. We both liked Pokémon despite being in our early 20s.\n\nWe loved movies, food and many other things that mean nothing to me now.\n\nThings turned for the worst when I gave him my phone number. Big fucking mistake...\n\n[[Continue|Shawn convo 2]]\n\n

It's Thursday morning. How I managed to get some shut-eye I'll never know. I don't sleep a lot - I suppose you can say that I'm a little bit of an insomniac. The only time I would say that I get some sort of well-rested shut-eye is when I pass out due to being exhausted over a few days and wake up feeling groggy, headache pounding at my skull, angry and it's not something I would talk about to people.\n\nEvery time I accidently bring up the fact that I don't get a lot of sleep, it turns into some stupid discussion with my health as the hot topic.\n\n“You should try to get more sleep” or “have you tried sleeping pills?” are my favourite of the bunch.\n\nNo, I can't just try to get sleep just like that. Yes, I have tried sleeping pills. About 40 of them at once when I tried to kill myself.\n\nIt wasn't fun.\n\nI wouldn't dare say anything of the sort, though. I have enough problems dealing with my friends and I don't want them on my ass trying to comfort me about things they'll never understand.\n\nI need to stop thinking about all this shit. I need to get up. I've been staring at my ceiling for what seems like hours now. Maybe I should get started with my day.\n\nWhat should I do first? Take a [[piss|Pee]] or hold it in for a bit and see if I can get something to eat, like [[breakfast|Breakfast]] for yesterday?\n\nI don't eat as much as I used to. It's pretty bad.\n\nFuck everything, I need someone to talk to. \n\nI can't stay like this forever...\n\nI think I may need Mark. Should I [[text him|Text a friend]]?\n\nHow bad can it be?\n

You try to sleep.\n\nYou're overwhelmed with so many feelings that you begin to cry.\n\nThat must have done it, because you fell asleep.\n\nBut not even for an hour...\n\n[[Wake up|Arise]]

"Is there any one big thing that's frustrating you? Get it off your chest."\n\n---\nI appreciate the Dr. Phil questions going on here, but right now, it's really bugging me. I can't blame him, though. I guess he's trying...\n---\n\n[["Everything frustrates me. I don't want to endure it anymore. I'm nothing but a reoccurring burden to close friends."|Mark convo 7]]\n

I'm Fine

"What brought these thoughts up?"\n\n[["Everything. Everything I do or anything I experience just makes me so frustrated. I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. I even got so agitated that I began to pull my hair out."|Mark convo 5]]\n\nI shaved so no one would notice the patches on my face. I hope it doesn't grow back in patches. I already look homeless as is by the way I dress; typical sneakers, jeans, shirt and dirty looking flannels.\n\nLike some homeless Canadian or something, I've been told. A homeless Canadian.\n\nHilarious.

"You were on medication recently? Is that correct?"\n\n---\nI never liked taking any sort of medication. I would always forget, dare myself to take more than what was prescribed to see if it would kill me, or I'd just leave them in my medicine cabinet to expire.\n\nThe only medication I took religiously was my inhalers.\n\nIt was easier to suck in a spritz from a small tube into the back of my throat than to pop a pill that will scramble my brain making ideas of self harm disappear into the abyss of my mind.\n---\n\n[["Yes, but they weren't psychotics or antidepressants."|Mark convo 6]]\n

"What's up?"\n\n\n[["Terrible thoughts."|Mark convo 3]]\n

"About?"\n\n[["Me doing something I won't be alive to regret."|Mark convo 4]]\n\n

Am I overreacting? I'm not sure. When I close my eyes and think of the people I barely talk to, I see his face and it won't go away.\n\nYou need to relax for a bit. Maybe 3 minutes of sleep will help...\n\n[[Nap?|Nap time]]\n

Luckily you have soap and a wash towel to clean a single spoon.\n\nYou scoop out a chunk of the Nutella with your newly cleaned spoon and put it into your mouth. \n\nIt's thick and creamy, but so delicious. \n\nA better breakfast could have been bacon, eggs, etc, but money is scarce and I'm paying my rent and everything else with all the money I get. I barely have any left for the month to do or eat anything.\n\nI hate my job. I mean, I don't think there's anyone who ACTUALLY enjoys retail, but that's what I have to do.\n\nI can't deal with my coworkers either. The hypocrisy, the homophobia, transphobia, you name it and it's been said. They disgust me and I never want to be around those people ourside my work walls much less within them.\n\nLast week, a coworker crossed my fucking line so hard.\n\n[[Look back on it|Shawn]]

You walk towards your washroom and you look at your reflection in the mirrors above your sink. \n\nYour eyes are red and swollen from the crying. Your lips are trembling.\n\nHow did I get to this point? Why did those things happen?\n\nWas it because of my sexuality? \n\nWas having an interest in men decide it was going to complicate me for the rest of my days?\n\nDid I make wrong decisions when I thought hooking up with men from the Internet I've never met was a good idea? Would my first time be a safer experience for me?\n\nWell, I can answer the latter: no.\n\nLooking back at it, I thought I wanted it so bad. I wanted my virginity to be a myth... but I didn't want it anymore. It was a bad idea, but he kept going. I was so scared I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I just laid there, terrified.\n\nIt happened. That actually happened and I have to remember it all the time. Forever. I often wonder if his wife was okay - if he did the same thing to her like what he did to me. \n\nMy life flashed before my eyes and I was hardly entertained. \n\nIt happened and there's nothing I can do about it now.\n\nI hated him. I wanted him to disappear from this world and I wanted the same thing for me.\n\nYour friend Clarke texted you. You should probably [[see what he said|Clarke]].\n

What am I even talking about? It was unlike any conversation I had with a friend, but it wasn't like he magically cured me of all sadness.\n\nJust because I start doesn't mean I'll make it to the end to finish.\n\nMy life of a roller coaster went upside down and I wanted off the ride.\n\nDon't get me wrong, I'm eternally grateful for him helping me, but I shouldn't think that he'll be the end of all my problems when I don't even know where mine start.\n\nWhat if I'm meant to be like this for the rest of my life? To wallow in my sadness and brush aside friends? How am I supposed to endure that?\n\nWe'll see if I even make it to by 30th birthday without being placed in a coffin before then. \n\nAfter I told him the story of me. There was a small awkward silence.\n\nNothing was really said.\n\nHe offered me a hug.\n\nHe never offers me hugs. It was the best thing I experienced in a while. Made me feel like a person again especially after our conversation. I felt like I was ready to take on the world - or something incredibly cheesy like that.\n\nI do plan to start talking to some of my friends again, but now isn't the time. It will definitely take me a while and hope they like waiting.\n\nWe'll see. I always seem to change my mind so everything can be different tomorrow.\n\n[[A boring finale|Finale]]\n

You start crying. You needed it. It's a safe way to almost feeling better, even if it's only for a short period of time.\n\n[[Look at yourself in the mirror|Reflection]]\n

"Yes, they are. We are going drinking."\n\n---\nI hate alcohol. I've seen what it can do to people. I don't mind beinground people who drink, though. But once they get to the point where words become slurred and vomit flies, I'm done.\n\nHell, I don't even like being around people who are tipsy. \n\nThe most alcohol I've ever consumed in my lifetime was when I had rum & raisin ice cream.\n\nDoes that even count as alcohol?\n---\n\n[["I'll pass. I don't like being around people who drink."|Shawn convo 6]]\n\n

"Lets go to my friends house."\n\n---\nAt this point I'm just fucking with him because I know there is no good way to end this conversation right now and it's going to be very bad.\n---\n\n[["Are they nice?"|Shawn convo 5]]\n\n

"Cuz you seem like the soft type."\n\n---\nHe's right about that. I am soft. I'm scared of everything - driving, living, dying, and leaving my house.\n\nJust because I am the soft type, doesn't mean that he can take advantage of that and make it seem like I'll enjoy being made fun of by someone who's drunk.\n---\n\n[["I am."|Shawn convo 8]]\n\n

"No, come. I want to verbally abuse you when I'm drunk."\n\n---\nThis guy is a fucking idiot. He's not funny. I don't find this interaction funny either.\n---\n\n[["Why?"|Shawn convo 7]]\n\n

"Take me out."\n\n[["Where do you want to go?"|Shawn convo 4]]\n\n

"You're never a burden. You're an absolutely amazing person and any other notion is bullshit."\n\n"I already told you, I'm here to listen and this is never inconvenient. We're friends."\n\n"We do care what's going on with you. You have to believe that, but you also need to tell me what to do."\n\n---\nI don't fucking know what to do. Why did you think I sent you a text message in the first place? Are you an idiot? Maybe I'm being hard on him... be he's an idiot right now.\n\nI couldn't take the conversation anymore. I didn't want to listen to what he had to say. I felt like this help session was some kind of attack.\n\nMaybe I wasn't thinking clearly. Maybe he was right, but at that point, I didn't know right from wrong. I just couldn't deal with anything.\n\nI knew that it could only escalate from there so I decided to try to calm myself down by watching a few movies. Something that could take my mind off the troubles from the world, but that only lasted for a few hours.\n\nNo - it was more than a few hours. I watched films until the next day. I'm sure I zoned out quite a few times as I don't really remember what I watched. Once again, there was no sleep. I don't think I can even say that I properly watched the movies.\n\nSo many things clouded my mind that I wondered what the point was of trying to take my mind off myself. There was no escape and I didn't know what was going to happen to me.\n\n---\n\nYou received a text from Danielle. [[Read it|Danielle convo]] or [[Wallow in sadness for a while longer|Be sad]]?

I picked up my phone and sent him a message. \n\nI didn't expect him to solve every problem I had. I wanted to avoid any sort of conflict with him. \n\nI already had someone awkward to deal with and I didn't want to add another person to my inventory.\n\n[["I need help."|Mark convo 2]]\n\n

Let's see...\n\nMark - He's a guy that I knew from school. I'm not sure how we became friends, but it happened. He's a little bit of a socially awkward kind of guy. I know he means well, but he makes me laugh with the things he says and does.\n\nHe says I should trust him, but that's easier said than done. I should be able to tell him everything, right?\n\nWell... I guess there's only one way to find out. I knew as soon as I texted him about my problems; I was going to immediately regret it.\n\nAlthough... there was one thing that stuck with me. \n\nMark once told me that it would be a good idea to put the names of people you trust on a card and keep it in my wallet and if there was ever something that was bugging me, I could look at it and know that there are people who care.\n\nWell, it worked... sorta.. okay so maybe it helped a lot, but 4 people didn't seem like a lot and I recently crossed out one of them.\n\nI didn't need to look inside my wallet in times of need, but whenever I was buying something with my debit card it was the first thing you see in my wallet. It was reassuring, but so creepy.\n\n[[Send Mark a text message|Mark convo]]\n

I flushed the toilet and stepped over to the sink. I turned on the faucet and proceeded to wash my hands properly. \n\nIt wasn't much, but it made me feel good. The smell of the vanilla soap made it even better.\n\nI dried my hands with a towel and headed to the [[kitchen|Breakfast]] to see if there's anything to eat.\n\nBut... there's something I need to get off my chest...\n\nMaybe I should [[talk to someone|Text a friend]]?

"I know, so be my dd."\n\n--\nWhat the hell is this idiot talking about?\n---\n\n[["What does 'dd' mean?"|Shawn convo 9]]\n

The rest of that day was a drag. Everyone was asking me what was wrong with me and I answered with a shake of the head or not responding at all.\n\nThey knew something was wrong.\n\nOf course I thought that maybe I should report him. What if he lost his job over this? What would he do to me after that? Would he get his druggie friends to come after me?\n\nI didn't want to think about it. Fuck man, I didn't want to deal with it.\n\nSo I didn't do anything about it.\n\n[[Chill|Chill]]\n

The more and more I talked to people, the more I felt like they were reading off a script like a person who would work in a call center.\n\nI needed to talk to a person who was level-headed. Someone who cared, but didn't say things like, "I love you. I love you. Don't do something I wouldn't do!"\n\nI tried to confide in Jesse. \n\nI wouldn't put him in the same category as Clarke or Mark. He was no wizard, but he was knowledgeable and he managed to balance it by being jocular at the right moments.\n\nHe knew enough about me. I didn't feel threatened around him. He was a good friend. Someone I can trust... \n\nIt's a term that I scarcely use. When I say it, I mean it, I think. I trusted him. \n\nJesse sent you a text.\n\n[[Read Jesse's message|Jesse convo]]\n\n

We talked about me.\n\nI told him everything and I didn't hold back. Even the details I thought would make him cringe, he had a calm collected look on his face.\n\nAt first I thought he was horror-struck, but maybe that's what he looks like when he's listening. I'm not sure. It didn't stop me from talking though.\n\nHis leather couch was comfy. I felt safe. Like, I could say I killed someone and hid the body under his bed and he'd still be calm.\n\nMaybe that was a bad way to phrase it, but you get the point.\n\nI thought tears would be shed, but oddly enough I managed to hold them back.\n\nIt was beyond me. I managed, somehow.\n\nWhy didn't I talk to him first? I could have spared myself all of Mark, Danielle and especially Clarke's bullshit. I felt stupid and it was justified. \n\nIt was weird to actually put my trust in someone that I knew less than everyone else combined.\n\nWhat a perplexing thought! Like, holy shit. This is revolutionary to me. Trust people for 10 minutes more than people you've known for a day.\n\nMaybe I was lucky - blessed, even? Being atheist won't help me believe in any of this, but it's happening and it's okay.\n\nOur talk was great. My heartbeat made it feel like I ran a marathon by getting all this weight off my shoulders.\n\nI know he's not a therapist, but the best part was that he didn't throw himself at my feet saying things I didn't want to hear.\n\nHe was subtle with his words, but I wasn't. I couldn't keep up. I felt like I could get through this.\n\nJesse offered to do research to see if he could find someone who could help me. One thing I was hoping he wouldn't say, but whatever. I got this far, I might as well go the whole mile. \n\nI was ready.\n\n[[Almost there|The hug]]\n

Thanks for playing.\n\n[[Help me keep making games, if you want|https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=RTYA8AAVK5NKL]]\n\n

You state your name and the reason why you're here for the social.\n\n---\nMy name is %@!#, I'm here to learn.\n---\n\nHow could two simple sentences be so difficult to say? My mouth was dry and there was no water that could quench my thirst to just break down and cry in front of everyone.\n\nI could see that Clarke glanced back at me a few times. I didn't want him looking at me. I had no way of knowing so, but it felt like he was being derisive with his looks.\n\nNever again.\n\n[[Moving on|Move on]]

I haven't talked to him since. It was for the best. However when it came down to trying to get back into social media, he was everywhere. Talking to people I talk to and I couldn't handle it.\n\nJust seeing his name made me sick. How did I go from being happy to hang out with him to fearing him within just a few months of knowing him? Was he worth the trouble?\n\nHow can I care about someone so much that they make me feel like I hate them so much? I'm impressed that I made it this far. It's like a night terror that I'm unable to wake up from and there's no escape. \n\nI don't think I'm going to be able to continue on without him being somewhere where I'll be.\n\nJesse says it'll happen eventually. I won't be the person to initiate it. Knowing me I won't even look at him. I'll just walk past him. But I feel it. It's deep inside me.\n\nI want to be his friend, but I'm not a fan of torture.\n\nI'm a total hypocrite, but who isn't? "Not a fan of torture." he says. Coming from the guy who tried to disappear from this world by eating god knows how many pills is almost laughable if it wasn't so somber.\n\nClarke texted you back.\n\nI'm afraid to read it. What kind of vicious things does he have to say after what I said? Did he turn into some kind of homophobe being disgusted of me? Maybe a front to make it seem like we're still friends? That sounds like it. \n\nMy phone is just sitting there. I guess I'll [[read|Clarke convo 3]] it.\n

Danielle and I were really good friends. We had a lot on common. From gushing over celebrities to quoting our favourite TV shows over and over again, we were inseparable and the best of friends.\n\nI could tell her anything and she would give me an honest response - I think it was a honest response. I'd hope it was a honest response.\n\nShe was smart, talented and a joy to be around, so why can't I face her, especially now? What's wrong with me?\n\nYour phone starts ringing, but you're too deep in thought to even realize that someone's calling...\n\nI feel like I have so much to say to her, so much to catch up on because I've been ignoring her for weeks, but I don't know where to start. I don't want to start. I just want to have no interaction with her.\n\nNo, I want to talk to her, but what am I supposed to say? I can't joke about what I've been doing. I have no energy for her energy and she knows me well enough that I'm playing along.\n\nMaybe I'll find the courage to say something, anything, but now's not the time.\n\nIn the meantime I have to avoid her. I don't want to look at her. I just want to be alone.\n\nHuh?\n\nI missed a phone call. It was Clarke. Oh boy. [[Here we go...|Clarke]]\n\n\n\n

I flushed the toilet and watched as my urine disappeared to god knows where and was replaced by water that looks clean enough to drink.\n\nNot that I plan to testing that theory or anything...\n\nI rinsed my hands and dried them off on my shirt. I'm lazy - I don't care and no one is watching me so I do as I please.\n\nI'm hungry. Should I [[get food|Breakfast]] or [[talk to someone|Text a friend]]?

"You won't have to. I'm not going to let anyone else be in on that conversation; they'll be coming over a couple hours after you."\n\n"And if you don't feel social, you don't have to stay."\n\n---\nIt was the small back and forth conversation that I enjoyed.\n\nI'm not saying I didn't appreciate the talks I had with Mark or anything. It's just different, you know?\n\nFamiliar, even though I'm not too sure how many items are on the list of what Jesse and I have in common.\n---\n\n[[Continue|A long tale]]\n\n

I hated him. \n\nI fucking hated him.\n\nI don't think I've hated someone like I hated Clarke right now. Those words seemed hollow. \n\nMy hands are sweaty. I typed, "You don't understand anything about me..." and promptly deleted it.\n\nI mean, I guess he may care about me, but treating me differently and wagging his support in my face wasn't necessary. \n\nI'm so angry right now, I can't even think straight.\n\nWhat a fucking asshole. Was he even trying to think what it would be like in my shoes? I highly doubt it. I'm done. I already feel uncomfortable being around him. This is the last piece of the puzzle. I want nothing to do with him.\n\nIt feels like he's dangling what used to be our friendship and waits for me to grab it before tossing it over a cliff and says, "Go get it if you want it so bad."\n\nWould I take that leap? Is it worth it?\n\nI don't think it is. \n\nI hope he stays away from me. I don't want to have to deal with this.\n\nAll this anger and frustration somehow made you tired. You haven't slept in 4 days. \n\n[[Take a nap|Nap time]]\n\n[[Calm your shit|Chill]]\n\n\n

"Sure. And my designated driver."\n\n---\nI told him that my penis wasn't nearly as large as a donkey's and stopped talking to him. It was the only way to hang on to the last of my sanity and refrain from embracing his idiocy.\n\nBut it didn't last long, as things escalated fairly quickly.\n\nWhen I was leaving work, I passed him on my way to my car.\n\nHe didn't say anything. I knew something was wrong because he always had something stupid to say.\n\nAs I got to my car, I car saw a white paper with my workplace's logo on it stuck under my windshield wiper.\n\nI sighed. I wasn't going to like what was written on it.\n\nI removed it, unfolded the paper.\n\nIt read: "Ima gonna kill you."\n\nIt was moderately hilarious for 0.0000001 seconds and after that, I was full of fear and anger.\n\nDid he figure out I was gay? Is this some kind of ploy to freak me out? Because it was fucking working.\n\nI turned around and looked at him. He stood there looking back at me with a smile on his face.\n\nIt was disgusting. There was nothing funny about this and I couldn't even process a thought. I just crumpled the paper and tossed it.\n\nI thought I was going to have a rare good day at work, but nope. Now I have to deal with this.\n\nIt didn't stop there either. \n\nWhen I went to work a few days later, he was there. I knew he was going to say something that would make me feel like less of a human.\n\n"Why don't you answer my texts? Are you too good for me now?" he said.\n\nI didn't respond. I didn't want to respond. \n\n"What, are you giving me the silent treatment now?"\n\nHe took the cart I was working on store product and threw it on the floor.\n\nWithout making eye contact, I tried to pick it up, but he kicked it.\n\nI tried to make sure the store product looked good on the shelf, but he wasn't having any of that.\n\n"Talk to me, faggot. Dumb faggot."\n\n"Want to suck my dick?"\n\n"Come suck my dick."\n\nThe hell did I do to deserve this?\n\nBeing called a faggot hurts. Especially when I'm still struggling with being gay.\n\nHe'll probably tell other people where I work that hate me and then everyone will start calling me a faggot. \n\nI already started looking for a new job.\n\nI hated him so much. I did nothing to him and he thinks he could treat me like this.\n\nStill, I didn't give him eye contact or any response. He took the cart I was working on and left making my simple job too overwhelming. \n\n[[Continue|Shawn convo XI]]\n

It came to your turn to say your name and why you're here. You shook your head.\n\nThe woman hosting the presentation looked confused and moved on.\n\nPeople in the crowd giggled. You were too busy playing with your fingers to notice if Danielle or Clarke was even looking at you.\n\nMan, my heart could have been on my lap. It was insane... too insane.\n\n[[Moving on|Move on]]\n\n

It felt weird seeing those words from him. I didn't want to deal with the headache he causes me so I ignored his message for two days before deciding to send him an intricate message giving him a taste of what's going on in my head.\n\nIt was time that the truth came out and I didn't really care about the response:\n\n---\nIn the state that I'm currently in, I'm not fine. I never was and I most likely will not ever be. The smallest thing will trigger me and I can promise you (coming from a person who never makes promises) that I can and will do something irreversible.\n\nRegardless of what you may assume of what's going on in my head, I don't really give a fuck about who is or isn't worried about me, because I'm not.\n\nI have enough shit going on right now that when people keep asking me where I've been really starts to get on my fucking nerves. I know people will still "care," but... I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know what I'm capable of and it's not pretty.\n\nI had Mark come to my house pretty much begging me to get help because of what I might do to myself on behalf of everyone else who gives a fuck. I don't know how it's going to happen, but I said I would try to get people off my fucking back about my "safety." You know what? Maybe he's right. I don't fucking know. I've done this all before. The stupid pseudo-intervention crap and I refuse to deal with it again. \n\nSometimes I have a reason for ignoring people. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I forget who I am and I behave in a manner that makes people around me hate me and out of nowhere I probably won't remember why. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I have a whole bunch of stupid fucking things I have to add to the list of things that terrorize me.\n\nYou know I don't sleep. I'm constantly exhausted. As much as I seem to laugh, it's not genuine and I'm just not happy. When I do manage to sleep, I'm haunted by night terrors that wake me up minutes after falling asleep. People who don't know always joke saying I should take sleeping pills. I only giggle alongside them because I don't want to tell the whole world I tried to end my life by overdosing on said pills and ended up getting really sick.\n\nI do these things and most of the time I have no idea why I do it.\n\nI swear I can tell people the most fucked up things that have happened to me that wouldn't even scratch the surface of who I am. I must have severe mental disorders that make me lose myself and harm myself. The most I can do is distance myself from people I talk to so I don't do something stupid to them. At first look people aren't scared of me, but sometimes I feel like they should be.\n\nMy hands are trembling writing this.\n\nI can't be trusted with medication, sharp objects, or anything of the sort because if I click, it's over and you'll never hear from me ever again. I'm not trying to scare you, Clarke, but if I did something to someone I cared about, I don't know what'll happen.\n\nI can't apologize because I know it'll happen again. I don't know what to tell people when this starts happening to me. Sometimes I'm delusional. Sometimes I'll make stuff up. I'm not fucking okay.\n\nI can't even tell people to trust me. How can I have people trust me when I don't even trust myself with my own life? It's stupid, but that's me on the regular.\n\nI know I need help, but it's not easy.\n\nI fucked up so many times during our friendship and don't bullshit me saying otherwise. I know I did. The first fucking mistake I made was telling you that I really liked you when I knew I shouldn't have. Everything went downhill from there. I almost lost it. When we got back, it was running through my mind and honestly, if I had a knife, I would have sent myself to the hospital that night.\n\nAs much as I don't care about a lot of things, my purpose isn't to scare you.\n\nSometimes at night I think of all my close friends and how they'd be better off without me. Not having to deal with someone who snaps every few weeks is the ultimate burden and unsuccessful endeavor I can't stand being the person who makes it all happen.\n\nEvery day I have some kind of anxiety attack or panic attack of some form just by thinking about my past or my future.\n\nThere are things you know about me, things you wish you knew about me and things you wish you hadn't.\n\nI've only told Mark about this a while back... I didn't really have a choice because of how persistent and annoying he is, but a few years back, my first experience with another person was not how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to go through with it, but it still happened. It was rape and I never talked about it until a few months ago.\n\nI'm traumatized. No, nothing came out of it because of obvious reasons that I'm sure you can figure out, but that's what happened and I've never been the same person ever since.\n\nI hate people and I sure as hell can't trust them. \n\nI wish I had the courage to tell you all of this to your face, but that won't happen without me having a mental breakdown and not being able to get the first sentence out.\n\nThe list is long.\n\nI honestly don't want to be near you. I don't malice you, don't get me wrong. I just... I don't know. I just don't think I'll be able to handle being around you. For how long I can't say.\n\nI have absolutely nothing to say to you and I have no intention of talking to you.\n\nI'm sorry. I'm a stupid pathetic human being and I don't know what's going on in my life anymore.\n---\n\nYeah, I told him all of that. It was incredible. So many things I should keep to myself, but having no control just made things worse.\n\nHe must think I'm obsessed.\n\n[[Continue|Clarke convo 2]]\n\n

You open your cupboard and take out a small glass with the Hulk plastered on it. The irony hurts. \n\nI poured myself a drink of water and swallowed. It was refreshing, yet as much as I was thirsty, I didn't want to drink anymore.\n\n[[Eat some Nutella|Eat Nutella]]\n\n[[Talk to someone|Text a friend]]\n\n[[Think|Ponder]]\n\n

by Rokashi\n\nTwitter \n[[@Rokashi|http://www.twitter.com/rokashi]]\n

There's nothing in my fridge except for a few bottles of water and an almost-empty jar of Nutella.\n\nI'm peckish... [[drink the water|Drink water]] or [[eat the Nutella with a spoon|Eat Nutella]]?\n\nI don't really want to, but I guess I should [[text someone|Text a friend]]. I don't want to be alone anymore.

The talk was great. I figured I didn't have to say anything else, until we had to get put into groups. I didn't mind that, as I thought I would be able to choose who can be in my group.\n\nThe universe had other plans. \n\nI was put in a group with Danielle along with other people.\n\nFuck that. I took out my computer out of my bag and worked on something else instead.\n\n"Aren't you in group 5?" said some random person who knew who I was, but I had no clue who he was.\n\nI nodded.\n\n"Our group is over here."\n\nI shook my head.\n\n"Okay..." and he walked off.\n\nIt felt like I dodged a bullet. I felt so small. I started thinking what it would be like if I actually went into that group. I wouldn't say anything. I'd probably just stare at Danielle and knowing her, she'd try to direct some kind of question to me in order to get me to talk.\n\nSo manipulative.\n\n[[Continue|Afterwards]]