Spoopy Simulator

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(display: "func:title alt") {<div class="center"> <h3>`[INCOMPLETE EDITION]`</h3> </div>} { <div class="center"> BY<br> </div> <div id="byline"> PATRICK SPOOPSMUCH </div> } { <div class="center"> [[BEGIN->spoopy warning]] <br><br> [[CREDITS->credits]] </div> } version: $version

{ (set: $itemFocus to "")  (set: $previousPassage to "")  (set: $inventoryFocus to false)  (set: $timer to 10)  (set: $bagLook to false)  (set: $version to 0.5)  (set: $emph to (css: "color: #cc6699; text-shadow: 3px 3px 0 rgba(50,50,50,1);")) (set: $playerTalk to (css: "color: #00ffcc;")) (set: $talk1 to (css: "color:sandybrown;")) (set: $talk2 to (css: "color:rosybrown;")) (set: $langouria to (css: "color: rgb(255, 170, 186);")) (set: $aisling to (css: "color: rgb(134, 191, 239);")) (set: $nameText to (css:"color:red;text-shadow: 3px 3px 0 rgba(50,50,50,1);")) (set: $transparent to (css: "color: transparent")) (set:$transparentHalf to (css: "color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.5);"))  (set:$transparentThird to (css: "color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.25);"))  (set: $slowTransition to (transition: "dissolve") + (transition-time: 4s)) (set: $fadeInOut to (text-style: "fade-in-out")) (set: $upsideDown to (text-style: "upside-down"))  (set: $blur to ((text-style: "blur") + (text-rotate:-1))) }

{ <div id="title"> (live: 300ms)[ (set: $rand to (random: -10,10)) (set: $rand2 to (random: -10,10)) (set: $rand3 to (random: 2, 6)) (css: "text-shadow: "+ (text: ($rand*1.5)) + "px " + (text: ($rand2*1.5)) + "px " + (text: $rand3) + "px " + "rgba(255, 255, 255, .3), " + (text: (-($rand*1.5))) + "px " + (text: (-($rand2*1.5))) + "px " + (text: $rand3) + "px " + "rgba(255, 255, 255, .3);" )[DECISION] ] </div> }

{ <div id="title"> SPOOPY<br> SIMULATOR<br> </div> <br> <div class="center"> BY<br> </div> <div id="byline"> PATRICK SPOOPSMUCH </div> }

The sun sets on the $emph[Rosewood Cemetery]. It is the last funeral of the day and you patiently wait for the casket to be lowered into the grave. You are $nameText[Dampé] the $emph[Gravekeeper]. It was your job to dig this grave. When the funeral concludes, it will be your job to fill this grave. It's not glamorous, but you gotta pay those $emph[student loans] off somehow! { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->character creation]] </div> }

{ (set: $cat1 to (dm: "name", "A black cat", "description", "It is the $emph[black cat] you are now keeping in your $emph[bag]. She is unhappy about it...", "pickupText", "Sure, why not.<br><br>You stuff the $emph[protesting cat] into your $emph[bag].", "isSeen", false, "isCarried", false, ) ) (set: $cement to (dm: "name", "cement", "description", "A big sack of cement. Technically it's $emph[Ready-mixed concrete].", "pickupText", "You fit the whole sack in your bag.", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $certificate to (dm: "name", "gravedigging certificate", "description", "Your Gravedigging certificate from $emph[Rosewood Community College]. It proves you are knowlegeable in 6 Sigma shoveling.<br><br>As with all professional certificates, the government will not provide financial aid as they consider them to be useless.", "pickupText", "You put $emph[the certificate] in your $emph[bag]. <br><br>I'm not sure why.", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $condoms to (dm: "name", "non-latex condoms", "description", "They're latex-free condoms... but how did they get here?", "pickupText", "You pick up the condoms.", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $gateKey to (dm: "name", "Gate Key", "description", "The $emph[key] for the $emph[front gate].", "pickupText", "You stick the $emph[key] in your $emph[bag]. <br><br>You're gonna $emph[lock] the $emph[front gate] so hard.", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $laCroix to (dm: "name", "LaCroix Sparkling Water", "description", "An assortment of $emph[LaCroix]. The sparkling water that tastes like fruit whispered at it from a thousand yards away.", "pickupText", "You take the case of $emph[LaCroix].", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $shovel to (dm: "name", "shovel", "description", "Your standard issue shovel. There are many like it, but this one is yours.", "pickupText", "You take your shovel.", "isCarried", true, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $ucbManual to (dm: "name", "UCB Manual", "description", "The improv comedy training manual from Upright Citizens Brigade. <br><br>The last half of the book is covered in $emph[pentagrams] and written in an $emph[arcane language] that looks like evil Spanish.", "pickupText", "You take the manual.", "isCarried", true, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $sauceCup to (dm: "name", "BK Sauce Cups", "description", "Old sauce cups from $emph[Burger King].<br><br>Never know when you'll need expired single servings of ranch!", "pickupText", "You put the $emph[sauce cups] in your $emph[bag].", "isCarried", false, "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $studentLoan to (dm: "name", "student loan statement", "description", "This month's statement for your student loan. Some would say your degree in $emph[Comparative Literature] is useless. But those people will never know as much about $nameText[Jean Baudrillard] as you do!<br><br>You still owe $emph[$67,000].", "pickupText", "You take the student loan statement.", "isCarried", true, "isSeen", false, ) ) }

{ <div class="center"> <u>YOUR STUFF</u> </div> <br> $emph[(uppercase: (text: $itemFocus's name))]: (print: $itemFocus's description) <br> <br> <br> <div class="center"> (link: "BACK TO BAG")[ (goto: "inventory") ] </div> }

{ (live: 300ms)[ (set: $rand to (random: -10,10)) (set: $rand2 to (random: -10,10)) (set: $rand3 to (random: 2, 6)) (css: "text-shadow: "+ (text: ($rand*1.5)) + "px " + (text: ($rand2*1.5)) + "px " + (text: $rand3) + "px " + "rgba(255, 255, 255, .3), " + (text: (-($rand*1.5))) + "px " + (text: (-($rand2*1.5))) + "px " + (text: $rand3) + "px " + "rgba(255, 255, 255, .3);" )[ <div id="title"> SPOOPY<BR>SIMULATOR </div> ] ] }

{ (if: (passage:)'s tags contains "noheader")[] (else:)[ <div id="header"> (if: $inventoryFocus is false)[ (link: "OPEN BAG")[ (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (set: $inventoryFocus to true) (goto: "inventory") ] ] (else:)[ (link:"CLOSE BAG")[ (set: $inventoryFocus to false) (goto: $previousPassage) ] ] </div> <br> <br> ] }

{ <div class="center"> <u>YOUR STUFF</u> </div> <br> (if: $cat1's isCarried)[ (link: "A Cat")[ (set: $itemFocus to $cat1) (set: $cat1's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $cat1's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $cement's isCarried)[ (link: "Cement")[ (set: $itemFocus to $cement) (set: $cement's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $cement's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $certificate's isCarried)[ (link: "Gravedigging Certificate")[ (set: $itemFocus to $certificate) (set: $certificate's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $certificate's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $condoms's isCarried)[ (link: "Condoms")[ (set: $itemFocus to $condoms) (set: $condoms's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $condoms's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $gateKey's isCarried)[ (link: "Gate Key")[ (set: $itemFocus to $gateKey) (set: $gateKey's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $gateKey's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $laCroix's isCarried)[ (link: "LaCroix")[ (set: $itemFocus to $laCroix) (set: $laCroix's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $laCroix's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $sauceCup's isCarried)[ (link: "Sauce Cups")[ (set: $itemFocus to $sauceCup) (set: $sauceCup's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $sauceCup's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $shovel's isCarried)[ (link: "Shovel")[ (set: $itemFocus to $shovel) (set: $shovel's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $shovel's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $studentLoan's isCarried)[ (link: "Student Loan Statement")[ (set: $itemFocus to $studentLoan) (set: $studentLoan's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $studentLoan's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] (if: $ucbManual's isCarried)[ (link: "UCB Manual")[ (set: $itemFocus to $ucbManual) (set: $ucbManual's isSeen to true) (goto: "description") ] (if: $ucbManual's isSeen is false)[ $fadeInOut[`(NEW)`] ] <br> <br> ] <br> (set: $bagLook to true) }

You avoid listening to the eulogies and instead gaze into your freshly polished $emph[shovel]. You can see your $emph[reflection]. Your $emph[face] is... { <ol> <li>(link: "Unassuming")[ (set: $player's face to "unassuming") (goto: "character creation 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Monstrous")[ (set: $player's face to "monstrous") (set: $player's isScary to true) (goto: "character creation 2") ]</li> <br> </ol }

(set: $player to (dm: "name", "Dampé", "job", "gravekeeper", "face", "", "nose", "", "body", "", "hobby", "", "isScary", false, ) )

{ (if: $player's face is "monstrous")[ A hideous visage stares back from the shovel. It's ok, though, your $nameText[mom] says you have a good heart. <br> ] (if: $player's face is "unassuming")[ An unremarkable face stares back at you. Luckily, your $nameText[mom] says it's what's inside that counts. <br> ] } You continue to stare at yourself, oblivious to the world. Your $emph[nose] is... { <ol> <li>(link: "Normal")[ (set: $player's nose to "normal") (goto: "character creation 3") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Crooked")[ (set: $player's nose to "crooked") (goto: "character creation 3") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Missing")[ (set: $player's nose to "missing") (set: $player's isScary to true) (goto: "character creation 3") ]</li> <br> </ol }

{ A (if: $player's nose is "normal")[ $emph[normal nose] ] (if: $player's nose is "crooked")[ $emph[deviated nose] ] (if: $player's nose is "missing")[ $emph[pair of breathing holes] ] rests on an otherwise (if: $player's face is "monstrous")[ $emph[monstrous] ] (if: $player's face is "unassuming")[ $emph[normal] ] face. } Suddenly, a $emph[hand] grabs your shoulder. You turn to see it's just a $emph[regular woman] in a suit. (It would have been a really startling scene if this were a movie.) <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->begin improv gal conversation]] </div>

{ (if: $player's isScary)[ She is greeted with a much less pleasant surprise. By which I mean the way you look. You are very gross. <br> <br> She is polite about it, though. <br> <br> ] }<q>$talk1[Excuse me, the service is over. Shouldn't you, ya know, get to filling the grave?]</q> She asks. { <ol> <li>[[<q>Yes, sorry.</q>->improv gal sorry]]</li> <br> <li>[[<q>Don't tell me how to shovel!</q>->improv gal mean]]</li> </ol> }

(display: "func:warning") <div class="center"> This game is very (text-style: "shudder")[$emph[SPOOPY]]. Can you handle the $emph[spoopiness]? </div> { <div class="center"> [[YES->yes]]<br><br>[[NO->no]] </div> }

Great! Instruct your $emph[theremin] player to begin playing now. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->start]] </div> }

I understand. I will send your browser to less $emph[spoopy] content. { <div class="center"> REDIRECTING IN:<BR> (live: 1s)[ (if: $timer is 0)[ (goto-url: "https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS813US813&biw=1536&bih=754&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=E-TLW5G8DauW0gKLlrqoAw&q=cats+wearing+costumes&oq=cats+wearing+costumes&gs_l=img.3..0j0i5i30j0i8i30.966527.968167..968366...0.0..0.81.1115.17......1....1..gws-wiz-img.......0i67j0i24.WzHtqkXd8dc") (stop:) ] (else:)[ (print: $timer) (set: $timer to it -1) ] ] </div> } <div class="center"> [[WAIT, I CAN HANDLE IT!->yes]] </div>

(display: "improv gal")

<q>$playerTalk[I've got a $emph[Gravedigging] certificate from $emph[Rosewood Community College]. Don't tell me how to shovel.]</q> You snap. <q>$talk1[I'm at the funeral for my friend who died in a horrible $emph[improv accident]. But sure, be a dick to me. Dick.]</q> She responds. Ya got burnt! You begin $emph[shoveling] dirt over the interred casket. { <ol> <li>[[<q>Sorry.</q>->improv gal exposition sorry]] <br> <br> <li>[[<q>Improv accident?</q>->improv gal exposition]] <br> <br> <li>[[<q>Was he, like, your boyfriend?</q>->improv gal exposition bf]] </ol> (set: $certificate's isCarried to true) }

{(set: $igDating to true) <q>$playerTalk[Was he, like, your boyfriend or whatever...]</q> You ask while piling dirt on the corpse of her friend. <br> <br> <q>$talk1[Oh god, no. We were on an improv team together. People on an improv team would //never// date each other!]</q> She responds. } { <ol> <li>[[<q>So... how do you die doing improv?->improv gal exposition]]</li> <br> <li>[[<q>So... you single?->improv gal exposition bf is single]] </ol> }

<q>$playerTalk[How do you die doing improv?]</q> You ask. <q>$talk1[We-we were in an improv scene together when it happened.]</q> She begins to tear up. <q>$talk1[We were pretending to be soldiers in a war. Only, instead of rifles, we were carrying the audience suggestion of $emph[dildos]].</q> <q>$talk1[The audience always suggests $emph[dildos]...]</q> She laments. {<ol> <li>[[KEEP SHOVELING->improv gal exposition 2]]</li> </ol>}

<q>$talk1[I was playing an enemy spy. When he wasn't looking I $emph[dildo'd] him in the back of the head...]</q> <q>$talk1[The scene called for him to die.. and... and he really did. He committed so hard that he died $emph[in real life]!]</q> She's fully crying now. { <ol> <li>[[<q>Improv sounds dumb.</q>-> improv gal exposition 2 dumb]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>Did the audience like it?</q>->improv gal exposition 2 audience]] <br><br> <li>[[Quietly finish shoveling.->improv gal exposition 3]] </ol> }

<q>$playerTalk[Sorry.]</q> You murmur. <q>$talk1[It's ok. I just can't believe he's gone... I guess he died doing what he loved...]</q> She says. { <ol> <li>[[<q>So... how do you die doing improv?->improv gal exposition]]</li> </ol> }

<q>$playerTalk[Sorry, I was just staring at my face even though I'm 35 and should be used to it by now.]</q> You reply. You begin $emph[shoveling] dirt over the interred casket. <q>$talk1[I just can't believe he's gone.]</q> She says. <q>$talk1[I guess he died doing what he loved... $emph[long-form improvisational comedy.]]</q> She adds { <ol> <li>[[<q>How do you die doing improv?->improv gal exposition]]</li> <br> <li>[[<q>Was he, like, your boyfriend?</q>->improv gal exposition bf]] </ol> }

{ (set: $igDating to false) }

<q>$playerTalk[So, sounds like you're single?]</q> You ask, mere inches from the decomposing corpse of her colleague. <q>$talk1[I'm not looking to date right now... I'm still in shock.]</q> She replies. <ol> <li>[[<q>That's cool. Uh, how does one die doing improv?</q>->improv gal exposition]] </ol>

<q>$playerTalk[Improv sounds real dumb.]</q> You say. Very tactfully. <q>$talk1[Until today I would have disagreed with you.]</q> She answers. You pile the last of the dirt in the $emph[grave]. <q>$talk1[I'm done with improv. Take this, I don't want it anymore.]</q> She extends a book towards you. It's the $emph[Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual]. { <ol> <li>[[TAKE MANUAL->bag primer]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>Sorry, I prefer Second City</q>->second city]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>I'm more into Groundlings</q>->groundlings]] </ol> }

You quietly finish shoveling. She stares at the $emph[grave]. She $emph[claps] her hands and gestures to the fresh soil. <q>$talk1[Zip,]</q> she whispers. She sits there, anticipating a response that won't come. { <ol> <li>[[AWKWARDLY STAND THERE->improv gal exposition 3 stand]] <br><br> (if: $igDating)[ <li>[[<q>So what are you doing after this?</q>->improv gal exposition 3 flirt]]</li> ] </ol> }

{ <q>$playerTalk[Doing anything after this?]</q> You inquire. <br> <br> <q>$talk1[Jesus, fuck off!]</q> She rightly yells at you. <br> <br> She throws a $emph[book] directly at your nose. The impact (if: $player's nose is "normal")[ leaves a hefty $emph[bruise]. ] (if: $player's nose is "crooked")[ makes your nose even more $emph[crooked]. ] (if: $player's nose is "missing")[ makes a weird `*thwip*` sound as air is forced through your $emph[nose slits]. ] } She storms off. You look down and see the book is called $emph[Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual]. <div class="center"> [[TAKE BOOK->bag primer]] </div>

{ (if: $bagLook)[ When you look up the woman is gone. That's pretty $emph[spoopy]. <br> <br> But you did struggle with the zipper so maybe she just left normally. <br> <br> <div class="center"> (link: "CONTINUE")[ (goto: "improv gal end") ] </div> ] (else:)[ You take the $emph[book] and put it in your $emph[bag]. <br> <br> You can look through your $emph[bag] by clicking the button at the top of the screen. ] }

<q>$playerTalk[Were people into it?]</q> You ask. <q>$talk1[Both audience members hated it.]</q> She answers. {<ol> <li>[[<q>Oh...</q>->improv gal exposition 3]]</li> <br> <li>[[Quietly finish shoveling.->improv gal exposition 3]]</li> </ol>}

You stand there, goofing up an otherwise touching scene. A moment passes. <q>$talk1[He really is gone.]</q> She sighs. <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->improv gal exposition 3 stand cont]] </div>

She throws a $emph[book] at your feet. <q>$talk1[I don't want it anymore.]</q> You look down and see the book is called $emph[Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual]. <div class="center"> [[TAKE BOOK->bag primer]] </div>

<q>$playerTalk[Sorry, but I prefer $emph[Second City]'s style of teaching improv.]</q> You say. <q>$talk1[This blends well with $emph[Second City]'s style.]</q> She counters. No way around it, you're taking that $emph[book]. <div class="center"> [[TAKE BOOK->bag primer]] </div>

<q>$playerTalk[Sorry, but I prefer $emph[Groundlings]'s style of improv.]</q> You say. <q>$talk1[This will help add some structure to your character based improv]</q> She counters. No way around it, you're taking that $emph[book]. <div class="center"> [[TAKE BOOK->bag primer]] </div>

That was your last $emph[grave] of the day! You can finally retire to your $emph[shack] and work on your favorite $emph[hobby]! *You're favorite hobby is: { <ol> <li>(link:"Creating ASMR videos")[ (set: $player's hobby to "asmr") (goto: "jud intro") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"Making socialist memes")[ (set: $player's hobby to "memes") (goto: "jud intro") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"Staring at the wall for hours")[ (set: $player's hobby to "staring") (goto: "jud intro") ] </ol> }

{ You begin walking back to your $emph[shack] to (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ record yourself crushing $emph[floral foam] - ] (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ take down capitalism with spicy $emph[image macros] - ] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ really take in the detail of the $emph[south wall] - ] <br> <br> }When suddenly another $emph[hand] grabs your shoulder! This time it's $nameText[Jud Crandall], the old man who loves telling you what you should and should not bury. (If this were a movie you'd be like, "haha, they got me //again//!") { <div class="center"> (link: "CONTINUE")[ (goto:"jud talk") ] </div> }

{ <q>$talk2[Ayuh hate t'keep yah from (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ makin' yah weird porn vidjas. ] (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ makin' ya dum pickshures. ] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ gettin' hoarnay fer ya walls. ] ]</q> } He says with a thick $emph[Maine accent] that always sounds like his mouth is full of $emph[hot oatmeal]. { <ol> <li>(link: "It's fine, what do you need, $nameText[Jud]?")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk1 to 0) (goto: "jud talk 2") ]</li> <br> (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ <li>(link: "<q>They're not porn!</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk1 to 1) (goto: "jud talk 2") ] </li>] (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ <li>(link: "<q>They're not dumb pictures!</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk1 to 2) (goto: "jud talk 2") ] </li>] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ <li>(link:"<q>I don't get horny for my walls!</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk1 to 3) (goto: "jud talk 2") ] </li>] </ol> }

{ <q>$playerTalk[ (if: $judTalk's judTalk1 is 1)[ They're not porn, they're ASMR videos! ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk1 is 2)[ They're not dumb pictures! They are memes and they are art! ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk1 is 3)[ I don't get horny for my walls! I like to think! ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk1 is 0)[ What do you need, $nameText[Jud]? ] ]}</q> You respond. <q>$talk2[Listen, I herrd that woman say you jus' berried a kid what died durin' an improv scene.]</q> He says. You've never heard him so worried. { <ol> <li>[[<q>Yeah, so?</q>->jud talk 3]]</li> <br> (if: $judTalk's judTalk1 is >0)[ <li>(if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ (link: "<q>Fer real, though, they're not porn.</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk2 to 1) (goto: "jud talk 3") ] ] (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ (link: "<q>Fer real, though, memes are a robust expression of creativity</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk2 to 2) (goto: "jud talk 3") ] ] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ (link: "<q>Fer real, though, I enter a state of deep meditation.</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk2 to 3) (goto: "jud talk 3") ] ] ] </ol> }

{ (if: $judTalk's judTalk2 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[You see, people find the sounds pleasent and relaxing. 99% of users don't report any sexual arousal at all!]</q> You add. <br> <br> ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk2 is 2)[ <q>$playerTalk[Memes are a complex form of expression that rely on social context to operate. You could argue they are the highest form of human interaction!]</q> You add. <br> <br> ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk2 is 3)[ <q>$playerTalk[I enter a transcendental state. My mind moves beyond the physical confines of reality. Any horniness is strictly a byproduct of experiencing the astral plane.]</q> You add. <br> <br> ] }{ (if: $judTalk's judTalk2 is >0)[ <q>$talk2[Would ya listen for once, goddamit! The thing about people what died doin' improv, see, they don' stay dead very long.]</q> He responds. ] (else:)[ <q>$talk2[The thing about people what died doin' improv, they don' stay dead very long.]</q> He responds. ] } { <ol> <li>[[<q>Like a zombie?</q>->jud talk 4]]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I don't understand.</q>")[ (goto: "jud talk 3 alt") ]</li> <ol> }

<q>$playerTalk[Like a zombie?]</q> You ask. <q>$talk2[Ayup.]</q> He murmers. { <ol> <li>(link: "<q>There's no such thing as zombies.</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk4 to 0) (goto: "jud talk 5") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>What do we do?</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk4 to 1) (goto: "jud talk 5") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>So, uh, are you seeing anyone right now?</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk4 to 2) (set: $judDateAsk to true) (goto: "jud talk 5") ]</li> <br> (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ <li>(link:"<q>We're all zombies under capitalism.</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk4 to 3) (goto: "jud talk 5") ]</li> ] </ol> }

{ (set: $judTalk to (dm: "judTalk1", 0, "judTalk2", 0, "judTalk3", 0, "judTalk4", 0, "judAnswer", 0, ) ) (set: $judDateAsk to false)  }

{ (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 0)[ <q>$talk2[I'm a sayin' his decomposing corpse will rise once more.]</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 1)[ <q>$talk2[I'm a sayin' he'll rise from the grave.]</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 2)[ <q>$talk2[He'll walk the Earth as the undead...]</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 3)[ <q>$talk2[Like in 'Night of the Living Dead']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 4)[ <q>$talk2[Like in 'Dawn of the Dead']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 5)[ <q>$talk2[Like in '28 Days Later']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 6)[ <q>$talk2[Like in '28 Weeks Later']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 7)[ <q>$talk2[Like in 'The Walking Dead']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 8)[ <q>$talk2[Like in 'Fear The Walking Dead']</q> He clarifies. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk3 is 9)[ <q>$talk2[He'll be a zombie.]</q> He clarifies. ] } { <ol> <li>[[<q>Like a zombie?</q>->jud talk 4]]</li> <br> (if:$judTalk's judTalk3 is <9)[ <li>(link: "<q>I don't understand.</q>")[ (set: $judTalk's judTalk3 to it +1) (goto: "jud talk 3 alt") ]</li> ] <ol> }

{ (if: $judTalk's judTalk4 is 0)[ (if: $ucbManual's isSeen)[ <q>$talk2[I sahw you look at that evil $emph[book]. Ya know thar's a dark magic to improv.]</q> He says. ] (else:)[ <q>$talk2[Improv is evil, an if yah down't believe me look at the infernal $emph[book] that woman gave you!]</q> He says. ] ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk4 is 1)[ <q>$talk2[Glad tah see yah hawve some sense in yah!]</q> He responds. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk4 is 2)[ <q>$talk2[I ain't no romance option!]</q> He shouts. ] (if: $judTalk's judTalk4 is 3)[ <q>$playerTalk[We're all reduced to mindless $emph[zombies] under $emph[Late Stage Capitalism]]. You reply. <br><br> <q>$talk2[We down't hawve time for yah manifesto!]</q> He shouts ] } He points to a large $emph[bag of cement]. <q>$talk2[If we'ar gonna stahp this before'n it starts we gotta cover the grave with siment. I'm too old ta do it myself, you'll need ta do it!]</q> { <div class="center"> (link:"CONTINUE")[ (goto:"jud talk decision") ] </div> }

{ (display: "func:decision") <br> <div class="center"> WILL YOU HELP $nameText[JUD] COVER THE $emph[GRAVE]? </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center"> (link:"YES")[ (set: $judTalk's judAnswer to 1) (goto: "jud talk decision answer") ] </div> } =| { <div class="center"> (link:"NO")[ (set: $judTalk's judAnswer to 0) (goto: "jud talk decision answer") ] </div> } |=| </div>

{ (if: $judTalk's judAnswer is 0)[ (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ <q>$talk2[Ya doomed us. I hope when a zombie gets tah eatin' yer brains someone's thar to record it for ya weird porn.]</q> He admonishes. <br> <br> He leaves. <br> <br> <div class="center"> (link: "<q>IT'S NOT PORN!</q>")[ (goto:"main game start") ] </div> ] (else:)[ <q>$talk2[Welp, ya doomed us all. I'm gettin' outta herre an' I s'gest ya do the same]</q> He admonishes. <br> <br> He leaves. <br> <br> <div class="center"> (link: "<q>YOU TALK WEIRD</q>")[ (goto:"main game start") ] ] ] (if: $judTalk's judAnswer is 1)[ <q>$talk2[Ya made tha right choice, fren.]</q> He sighs in relief. <br> <br> You lift the huge $emph[sack of cement] and stuff it into your $emph[bag]. (set: $cement's isCarried to true) <br> <br> <div class="center"> (link:"CONTINUE")[ (goto: "cement start") ] </div> ] }

{ <div class="center"> UNDER CONSTRUCTION </div> } { <div id="image"> <img src="https://banner2.kisspng.com/20180313/yhq/kisspng-snowshoe-cat-exotic-shorthair-siamese-cat-kitten-c-cat-fireman-5aa83013739b64.9569120415209717954735.jpg" alt="smiley face" height="400" width="400" /> </div> } { <div class="center"> [[CREDITS->credits]] </div> }

<q>$talk2[Naow we jus' need some $emph[water].]</q> Says $nameText[Jud]. <q>$playerTalk[I've got some in my $emph[shack]!]</q> You answer. { <div class="center"> [[GO TO SHACK->cement shack]] </div> }

You stand at the $emph[fresh grave] of that improv guy. $nameText[Jud] looks at you, expectantly. {<ol> (if: $laCroix's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"<q>Will LaCroix work?</q>")[ (goto: "cement grave fill") ] <br> <br> </li>] <li>(link: "Examine Grave")[ (set: $improvGrave's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $improvGrave) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (set: $improvGrave's isSeen to true) (goto: "examine no pickup") ]</li> <br> <li>[[GOTO SHACK->cement shack]]</li> <br> </ol>}

You stand outside your $emph[shack]. It is very Tim Burton-esque. { (if: $pump's isSeen is false)[ There's an old timey $emph[water pump] outside. ] } { <ol> (if: $pump's isSeen is false)[ <li>(link: "Examine Pump")[ (set: $itemFocus to $pump) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (set: $pump's isSeen to true) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] <li>[[GO INSIDE->cement shack inside]]</li> <br> <li>[[BACK TO GRAVE->cement grave site]]</li> </ol> }

(print: $itemFocus's description) {<ol> <li>(link:"BACK")[ (goto: $previousPassage) ]</li> </div> </ol>}

{ (set: $asmrMaterials to (dm: "name", "asmr materials", "description", "A bunch of $emph[floral foam], $emph[bubble wrap], and $emph[useless keys].<br><br>It's not sexual.", "isSeen", false, "isCarried", false, ) ) (set: $improvGrave to (dm: "name", "improv grave", "description", "That dead $emph[improv guy]'s grave.<br><br>The epitaph just reads, <q>$talk1[Hey, Fred Schneider, what are you doing?]</q><br><br>Must be some weird $emph[improv] thing.", "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $pump to (dm: "name", "pump", "description", "A broken $emph[Water pump]. It adds a rustic charm, though.", "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $sink to (dm: "name", "sink", "description", "Your $emph[kitchen sink].<br><br>It is broken.", "isSeen", false, ) ) (set: $southWall to (dm: "name", "south wall", "description", "The $emph[south wall] to your $emph[shack]. You've been looking forward to staring at it all day.<br><br>Alas, it must wait.", "isSeen", false, ) ) }

The inside is dank and depressing: { <br> (if: $certificate's isCarried is false)[ Your $emph[Shoveling Certificate] adorns the wall. <br> <br> ] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ (if: $southWall's isSeen is false)[ The $emph[south wall] is bare and enticing. You longingly wish to $emph[stare] at it. ] <br> <br> ] (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ (if: $asmrMaterials's isSeen is false)[ $emph[ASMR materials] rest on your table. ] <br> <br> ] Your kitchen is a $emph[fridge] and a (if: $sink's isSeen)[broken ]$emph[sink]. } {<ol> (if: $certificate's isCarried is false)[ <li>(link: "Take certificate")[ (set: $certificate's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $certificate) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "pick up") ] <br> <br> </li>] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ (if: $southWall's isSeen is false)[ <li>(link: "Examine South Wall")[ (set: $southWall's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $southWall) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] ] (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ (if: $asmrMaterials's isSeen is false)[ <li>(link: "Examine ASMR materials")[ (set: $asmrMaterials's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $asmrMaterials) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] ] (if: $sink's isSeen is false)[<li> (link: "Examine sink")[ (set: $sink's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $sink) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] <li>[[Examine fridge->cement shack inside fridge]]</li> <br> <li>[[LEAVE->cement shack]]</li> </ol>}

(print: $itemFocus's pickupText) { <div class="center"> (link:"BACK")[ (goto: $previousPassage) ] </div> }

{Your $emph[fridge] contains:<br> <ul> (if: $sauceCup's isCarried is false)[ <li>$emph[old burger king sauce cups].</li> <br> ] (if: $laCroix's isCarried is false)[ <li>A crate of $emph[LaCroix].</li> ] (else:)[ <li>Nothing</li> ] </ul> } {<ol> (if: $sauceCup's isCarried is false)[ <li>(link: "Take sauce")[ (set: $sauceCup's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $sauceCup) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "pick up") ] <br> <br> </li>] (if: $laCroix's isCarried is false)[ <li>(link: "Take LaCroix")[ (set: $laCroix's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $laCroix) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "pick up") ] <br> <br> </li>] <li>[[LEAVE FRIDGE->cement shack inside]]</li> </ol>}

<q>$talk2[Ayup, reckon it'will!]</q> He announces. <q>$talk2[Use coconut flavor, though. Tha ground is tha only place it belongs.]</q> He adds. { <div class="center"> [[COVER GRAVE->fill grave]] </div> }

You pour some $emph[coconut LaCroix] into the sack of $emph[cement] and mix it around with your $emph[shovel]. When it is good and mixed you cover the $emph[grave] in $emph[wet cement]. You and $nameText[Jud] sit down while it dries. You drift off to sleep. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave wait]] </div> (set: $cement's isCarried to false) (set: $laCroix's isCarried to false) }

$emph[THUMP]. You are startled awake by the sounds of $emph[zombie improv guy] trying to claw through the dry $emph[cement]. $nameText[Jud] awakens shortly after, lifting his head from your shoulder. Eventually, the thumping stops. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave wait 2]] </div> }

You did it! You stopped the $emph[zombie outbreak] before it even started! <q>$talk2[Ayuh kant believe we actually did it! Normally no one listens to ol' me.]</q> Exclaims $nameText[Jud]. Now that he's relaxed and has unfurled his brow you notice how striking his eyes are. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave wait 3]] </div> }

{ (display: "func:decision") <br> <div class="center"> $nameText[JUD] IS LEAVING </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center"> (link:"LET HIM")[ (goto: "fill grave decision no") ] </div> } =| { <div class="center"> (link:"<Q>WANNA DO SOMETHING?</q>")[ (goto: "fill grave decision yes") ] </div> } |=| </div>

<q>$talk2[Welp, reckon aur business together is concluded.]</q> He says. He begins to leave. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave decision]] </div> }

You hate to see him go but you love to watch him leave. His $emph[ass] jiggles like two water balloons trapped in his $emph[overalls]. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->win1]] </div> }

He turns to face you. He ponders your question for what feels like an eternity. <q>$talk2[Reckon mah wife wouldn't much like thaht.]</q> He says. {<ol> <li>[[<q>I understand.</q>->fill grave decision no alt]] <br> <br> <li>[[<q>What she doesn't know won't hurt her.</q>->jud date start]] </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Yeah, I get it. Just a dumb thought.]</q> You say, trying to hide your embarassment. <q>$talk2[Yah, we prolly wouldn't'a had much in common.]</q> He says. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave decision no alt 2]] </div> }

(display:"jud date")

<q>$playerTalk[She can't disapprove if she doesn't know.]</q> You offer. He smiles. <q>$talk2[I like tha way yah think.]</q> He answers. { <div class="center"> [[GO BACK TO YOUR SHACK->jud date shack]] </div> }

{ (set: $judDate to (dm: "judDate0", 0, "judDateShack0", 0, "judDateShack1", 0, "judDateShack2", 0, "judDateGrave0", 0, ) ) }

{ (if: $judDate's judDate0 is 0)[ (display: "jud date shack") ] (if: $judDate's judDate0 is 1)[ (display: "jud date grave") ] }

You take him back to your $emph[shack]. <q>$playerTalk[Sorry, it's kind of run down at the moment.]</q> You apologize as you walk up the front. <q>$talk2[I like it. Gotta real... Tim Burton feel tah'it]</q> He assures you. {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>That's what I say!</q>")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack0 to 0) (goto: "jud date shack 1") </li>] <br><br> <li>(link: "<q>Tee hee!</q>")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack0 to 1) (goto: "jud date shack 1") </li>] </ol>}

{ (if: $judDate's judDateShack0 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[That's what I've been telling people!]</q> You giggle. <br><br> You open the $emph[door] and step inside. ] (if: $judDate's judDateShack0 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[Tee hee!]</q> You giggle. <br><br> <q>$talk2[Ayoo, really tickled yah with thaht one!]</q> He beams. <br><br> You open the $emph[door] and step inside. ] } <q>$playerTalk[Should we, um, watch a $emph[spoopy movie?]]</q> You quiver? <q>$talk2[Ayuh.]</q> He replies. He gently lowers himself to the floor, since you have no $emph[couch]. *What will you watch? {<ol> <li>(link:"Carrie")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack1 to 0) (goto:"jud date shack 2") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"The Shining")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack1 to 1) (goto:"jud date shack 2") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"Graveyard Shift")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack1 to 2) (goto:"jud date shack 2") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"Pet Semetary II")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack1 to 3) (goto:"jud date shack 2") ] </ol>}

{ (if: $judDate's judDateShack1 is 0)[ You put in a $emph[DVD] of //$emph[Carrie]//. <br><br> <q>$talk2[Oh ayuh this is a classic. It blens the horror of $emph[psychic] powa with the horror of being a $emph[teen girl] in...]</q> Nervously rambles $nameText[Jud]. ] (if: $judDate's judDateShack1 is 1)[ You put in a $emph[DVD] of //$emph[The Shining]//. <br><br> <q>$talk2[Oh ayuh this might be too scary for me. $nameText[Stanley Kubrick] is a master tho, I remembah seein...]</q> Rambles $nameText[Jud], nervously. ] (if: $judDate's judDateShack1 is 2)[ You put in a $emph[DVD] of //$emph[Graveyard Shift]//. <br><br> <q>$talk2[Oh ayuh I've never heard of this one. Muss be one o' tha moar obscure $nameText[Stephen King] movies. Ya know, people say bad things about $emph[The Langoliers] but it's...]</q> $nameText[Jud] nervously rambles. ] (if: $judDate's judDateShack1 is 3)[ You put in a $emph[DVD] of //$emph[Pet Semetary II]//. <br><br> <q>$talk2[I've never seen the original. Always meant ta jus' never got around to it. I hear the book is much $emph[scarrier] than the movie...]</q> Nervously rambles $nameText[Jud]. ] } {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>Shhhh</q>")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack2 to 0) (goto:"jud date shack 3") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"Press your finger to his lips")[ (set: $judDate's judDateShack2 to 1) (goto:"jud date shack 3") ] </ol>}

{ (if: $judDate's judDateShack2 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[Shhhhh...]</q> You say as you wrap your arms around him. <br><br> You don't know where this confidence is coming from. ] (if:$judDate's judDateShack2 is 1)[ You $emph[press] your finger against his lips. <br><br> <q>$playerTalk[Let's not worry too much about the movie]</q> You say with a confidence you never knew you had. ] } { (if: $judDateAsk )[ <q>$talk2[Remember when I said I wasn't a romance option?]</q> He asks. <br><br> <q>$playerTalk[Yes...]</q> You say, unsure. <br><br> <q>$talk2[I lied.]</q> He reveals ] } { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->jud date shack 4]] </div> }

You begin making out super hard. { (if: $player's nose is "missing")[ <br> Turns out not having a $emph[nose] makes smooching way easier! <br> ] } <q>$talk2[Wai don' we take it to tha `'bedroom'`]</q> He offers while pointing to your $emph[table]. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->jud date shack 5]] </div> }

{(set: $condoms's isCarried to true) (if: $condoms's isSeen is false)[ <q>$playerTalk[I don't have any... $emph[protection]]</q> You say. <br><br> <q>$talk2[I reckon ya should check yah $emph[bag]]</q> He smirks. ] (if: $condoms's isSeen)[ You look up from your $emph[bag] <br><br> <q>$playerTalk[Did you slip these $emph[condoms] in there?]</q> You ask. <br><br> $nameText[Jud] leans in. <br><br> <q>$talk2[I'm good at slipping things in.]</q> He says. <br><br> You carry him to the table(if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ and sweep away the $emph[asmr materials]. <br><br> <q>$playerTalk[This time it is sexual.]</q> You say. ] (else:)[ . ] <br><br> <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->jud date shack 6]] </div> ] }

You tear each other's $emph[clothes] off. If this were a movie we'd dolly over to a $emph[candle] and fade to it burned down or something. { <div class="center"> [[NICE->jud date shack next morning]] </div> }

{ (live: 3s)[ <div class="center"> <h1>LATER THAT NIGHT</h1> </div> (live: 3s)[ (goto: "jud date shack next morning 1") ] ] }

(display: "next morning text")

You awaken strapped to a $emph[wheelchair] You see $nameText[Jud]. He points to a $emph[disheveled woman] slowly shambling towards you. <q>$talk2[This... $emph[thing]. It's gonna follow yah. Somebowdy passed it tah me.. an' I passed it to yah. Wherever ya arr it's somewhere, walking straight for ya.]</q> He says. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->next morning text 2]] </div> }

{ (set: $nextMorning to (dm: "nextMorning0", 0, ) ) }

$emph[It] grabs you and neatly folds you in half. { (live: 3s)[ $slowTransition[$emph[Hot dog bun] style not $emph[hamburger].] <br><br> <br> (stop:) ] } { (live: 7s)[ <div class="center"> (link:"CONTINUE")[ (goto:"game over") ] </div> ] }

{ (display: "func:game over") <br> <div id="byline"> YA GOT SPOOPED </div> } {<div class="center"> (link: "CREDITS")[ (goto: "credits") ] </div>}

He $emph[unties] you. <q>$talk2[All you can do is pass it on to someone else.]</q> He adds while running away. You look at the $emph[disheveled woman]. { <ol> <li>(link: "SCREAM")[ (goto: "next morning end") ] <br><br> <li>(link: "<q>So what's your relationship status?</q>")[ (goto: "next morning end") ] (stop:) </ol>}

(display:"func:win") { <div class="center"> You stopped the $emph[zombie] outbreak before it began.. <br><br> But you didn't $emph[smooch] anyone... </div> } { <div class="center"> [[CREDITS->credits]] </div> }

You stare into each other's $emph[eyes]. You both see reflections of what could have been. You live a life time in that moment. When $nameText[Jud] finally turns his head it feels like the death of a soul-mate. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave decision no alt 3]] </div> }

Two years later you see $nameText[Jud] again... at his wife's $emph[funeral]. He watches you fill the $emph[grave]. When you are finished he gives you a solemn $emph[nod]. *What will you do? { <ol> <li>(link:"Nod back.")[ (goto:"win1") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"<q>Hey, you're single now.</q>")[ (goto:"fill grave decision no alt 4") ] </ol> }

<q>$playerTalk[Looks like your wife is out of the picture.]</q> You say. You begin furiously making out. You both fall down to the fresh $emph[soil] { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->fill grave decision no alt 5]] </div> }

<q>$talk1[Oh god!]</q> Shrieks a $emph[familiar voice]. You look up to see it is that $nameText[Improv Woman] from all those years ago. <q>$talk1[I'm sorry, I just wanted to say one last goodbye.]</q> She says while backing away. You turn to $nameText[Jud]. {<ol> <li>[[<q>How did your wife die?</q>->fill grave decision no alt 6]]</li> </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[How did your wife die?]</q> You ask. { (live: 3s)[ Suddenly, the withered $emph[torso] of $nameText[Jud]'s $emph[wife] bursts from the $emph[grave] <br><br> (if: $improvGrave's isSeen)[ <q>$talk1[HEY, FRED SCHNEIDER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?]</q> She hisses. <br><br> ] (else:)[ <q>$talk1[GOT YOUR BACK]</q> She hisses. <br><br> ] She $emph[grabs] you and drags you to a fate worse than death. (stop:) ]} {<div class="center"> (live: 7s)[ (link:"THE END")[ (goto: "game over") ] (stop:) ] </div>}

{ (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ <q>$playerTalk[It's not $emph[porn]!]</q> You yell after him. ] (else:)[ <q>$playerTalk[You talk weird!]</q> You yell after him. <br><br> You are in Maine, though, so technically you're the one who talks weird. ] } Not much work left to do except $emph[lock] the $emph[front gate]. *What will you do? {<ol> <li>(link: "GO TO FRONT GATE")[ (goto: "main front gate") ]</li> </ol>}

You are at the $emph[Front Gate]. { (if: $frontGate is false)[ It is $emph[wide open]. ] (else:)[ It is $emph[locked]. ] } A $emph[sign] reads, <q>$talk2[No Goths!]</q> {<ol> (if: $frontGate is false)[ <li>(link: "Lock gate")[ (if: $gateKey's isCarried)[ (set: $frontGate to true) (goto: "main front gate close locked") ] (else:)[ (goto: "main front gate close") ] </li> ] <br><br> ] <li>(link: "GO TO SHACK")[ (if: $frontGate)[ (goto:"goth intro") ] (else:)[ (goto: "main shack") ] ] </ol>}

{ (set: $frontGate to false)  (set: $shackCat to false)  (set: $mainTalk to (dm: "mainTalk0", 0, "mainTalkASMR0", 0, "mainTalkASMR1", 0, "mainTalkMemes0", 0, "mainBite2", 0, "mainBite3", 0, "mainBite4", 0, "mainBiteShack1", 0, "mainBiteShack2", 0, "mainBiteShack3", 0, "mainBiteShack5", 0, "mainDie2", 0, "mainDie3", 0, "mainDie5", 0, "mainDie8", 0, "mainZombie1", 0, "mainZombieMakeOut", 0, ) ) }

You need the $emph[key], you goof. It's probably in your $emph[shack]. { <ol> <li>(link: "Leave")[ (goto: "main front gate") ]</li> </ol> }

{ The $emph[gate] is now $emph[locked]. (if: $studentLoan's isSeen)[ That $emph[Comparative Literature Degree] is really paying off!] } { <ol> <li>[[LEAVE->main front gate]] </ol> (set: $frontGate to true) }

You stand outside your $emph[shack]. It is very Tim Burton-esque. { (if: $shackCat is false)[ <br> You hear a $emph[spoopy] scratching from the $emph[crawl space] under the $emph[shack]. ] } {<ol> <li>[[GO INSIDE->main shack inside]]</li> (if: $shackCat is false)[<br> <li>(link: "Investigate scratching")[ (set: $shackCat to true) (goto: "main cat 1") ] <br> </li>] <br> <li>[[GO TO GATE->main front gate]] </ol>}

The inside is dank and depressing: { <br> Your kitchen is just a $emph[fridge]. (if: $certificate's isCarried is false)[ <br><br> Your $emph[Shoveling Certificate] adorns the wall. ] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ <br><br> (if: $southWall's isSeen is false)[ The $emph[south wall] is bare and enticing. You longingly wish to $emph[stare] at it. ] ] (if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ <br><br> (if: $asmrMaterials's isSeen is false)[ $emph[ASMR materials] rest on your table. ] <br> <br> ] (if: $gateKey's isCarried is false)[ The $emph[gate key] rests on a hook. <br> <br> ] } {<ol> <li>[[Examine fridge->main shack inside fridge]]</li> <br> { (if: $certificate's isCarried is false)[ <li>(link: "Take certificate")[ (set: $certificate's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $certificate) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "pick up") ] <br> <br> </li>] (if: $player's hobby is "staring")[ (if: $southWall's isSeen is false)[ <li>(link: "Examine South Wall")[ (set: $southWall's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $southWall) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] ] (elseif: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ (if: $asmrMaterials's isSeen is false)[ <li>(link: "Examine ASMR materials")[ (set: $asmrMaterials's isSeen to true) (set: $itemFocus to $asmrMaterials) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "examine no pickup") ] <br> <br> </li>] ] } (if: $gateKey's isCarried is false)[ <li>(link: "Take gate key")[ (set: $gateKey's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $gateKey) (set: $previousPassage to (passage:)'s name) (goto: "pick up") ] <br> <br> </li>] <li>[[LEAVE->main shack]]</li> </ol>}

You stick your whole god-damn head under the $emph[shack]. This is very tense. Suddenly a $emph[cat] jumps out at you! Haha, classic misdirection. {<ol> <li>(link: "LEAVE")[ (goto: "main shack") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Take cat")[ (set: $cat1's isCarried to true) (set: $itemFocus to $cat1) (set: $previousPassage to "main shack") (goto: "pick up") ]</li> </ol>}

When you get back to your $emph[shack] you find a gaggle of $emph[Goths] gathered around it. They are both dressed like $emph[monochrome Sgt. Pepper]. <q>$langouria[This is so great, $nameText[Aisling]. Living in a house surrounded by death.]</q> Says one $emph[Goth]. <q>$aisling[I told you, $nameText[Langouria]! It's dank and depressing.]</q> Replies the other $emph[Goth]. Great, they must have snuck in while you were looking for the $emph[gate key]. {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>Can't you read the sign? No Goths!</q")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 to 0) (goto: "goth intro 1") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>Why did you say your names to each other?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 to 1) (goto: "goth intro 1") ] <br><br> <li>(link: "Scare them off.")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 to 2) (goto: "goth intro 1") ]</li> </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[Can't you read the sign? <q>NO GOTHS</q>]</q> You protest. <br><br> <q>$aisling[There are only twelve signs that we heed, and they're in the sky]</q> Retorts $nameText[Aisling]. <br><br> <q>$langouria[Thirteen signs if you count Ophiucus.]</q> Adds $nameText[Langouria]. <br><br> <q>$aisling[Which we don't]</q> Concludes $nameText[Aisling]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[Why did you say your names to each other just now? Who talks like that?]</q> You ask. <br><br> <q>$aisling[We're being expository.]</q> Retorts $nameText[Aisling]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalk0 is 2)[ You begin clapping your hands together. <br><br> <q>$playerTalk[Hey, you Goths, get out of here! Go on, get!]</q> You yell. <br><br> <q>$aisling[Are you trying to scare us off like we're bears?]</q> Asks $nameText[Aisling]. ] } {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->goth intro 2]] </div>}

{(if: $player's hobby is "asmr")[ (goto:"goth intro 2 asmr") ] (elseif: $player's hobby is "memes")[ (goto:"goth intro memes") ] (else:)[ (goto:"goth zombie") ] }

<q>$aisling[Wait, you're that ASMR dude!]</q> Beams $nameText[Aisling]. <q>$langouria[We love your videos! Do some ASMR stuff!]</q> Pleads $nameText[Langouria]. {<ol> (if: $certificate's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"Tap Shoveling Certificate")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 to 0) (goto: "goth intro 2 asmr 2") ]</li> <br> ] (if: $laCroix's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"Slowly open LaCroix")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 to 1) (goto: "goth intro 2 asmr 2") ]</li> <br> ] (if: $studentLoan's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"Crinkle student loan statement")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 to 2) (goto: "goth intro 2 asmr 2") ]</li> <br> ] (if: $ucbManual's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"Gently tear UCB Manual")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 to 3) (goto: "goth intro 2 asmr 2") ]</li> <br> ] </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 is 0)[ You $emph[tap] your $emph[shoveling certificate]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 is 1)[ You ever so slowly $emph[open] a $emph[LaCroix]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 is 2)[ You $emph[crinkle] your $emph[student loan statement]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR0 is 3)[ You slowly $emph[tear] pages from the $emph[UCB manual]. ] } <q>$aisling[Ooooo, that's $emph[The Sauce]]</q> Says $nameText[Aisling]. {<ol> (if: $sauceCup's isCarried)[ <li>(link:"Sauce? I have these BK sauce cups.")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkASMR1 to 0) (goto: "goth intro 2 asmr sauce") ] <br> ] <li>[[<q>Alright, now you have to leave</q>->goth intro 2 asmr sauce 2]]</li> </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Sauce? I have these $emph[BK sauce cups].]</q> You say while producing them from your $emph[bag]. <q>$langouria[Why do you have $emph[sauce cups] in your $emph[bag]?]</q> Asks $nameText[Langouria]. <q>$aisling[What else do you have in there!]</q> Says $nameText[Aisling] as she grabs your $emph[bag]. { (if: $cat1's isCarried)[ <q>$aisling[There's a kitty in here!]</q> She squeals. ] (else:)[ <q>$aisling[There's so much shit in here!]</q> She squeals. ] } {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->goth intro 2 asmr sauce 2]] </div>}

<q>$playerTalk[This was a lot of fun but it's time to leave.]</q> You say trying to shoo them away. <q>$aisling[You're no fun, old man!]</q> Protests $nameText[Aisling]. <q>$langouria[I always thought you'd be cool!] Adds $nameText[Langouria] You take back your $emph[bag]. {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>I am cool!</q>")[]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>You're not cool!</q>")[]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Coolness is subjective!</q>")[]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Do you hear that?</q>")[]</li> </ol> (live: 8s)[ (goto:"goth zombie") ]}

{<div class="center"> (text-rotate:-3)[<h1>CRACK!</h1>] </div>} Without warning a $emph[zombie wearing a wedding dress] grabs $nameText[Langouria] and $emph[snaps] into her like a $emph[Slim Jim]. You have time to try to save $nameText[Langouria] or $nameText[Aisling]. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->goth zombie decision]] </div>}

<q>$aisling[Aren't you that guy that makes socialist memes?]</q> Inquire's $nameText[Aisling]. <q>$langouria[We love your stuff! Say a meme right now!]</q> Adds $nameText[Langouria]. {<ol> <li>(link:"//Bad Boyfriend// but with the means of production.")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 to 0) (goto: "goth intro memes 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"//Universe brain// but with increasing communist ideals.")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 to 1) (goto: "goth intro memes 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"//Hide the pain Harold// but about capitalism.")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 to 2) (goto: "goth intro memes 2") ]</li> </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[Ok, it's //Bad Boyfriend// and the boyfriend says <q>The Youth</q> and his girlfriend says <q>Capitalism</q> but he's looking at a woman that says <q>Socialism</q>]</q> You explain. <br> <br> A long pause. <br> <br> <q>$aisling[...Maybe verbal description isn't where memes shine.]</q> Says $nameText[Aisling]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[It's <q>Universe Brain</q> but, like, each iteration the text increasingly devalues property rights.]</q> You explain. <br> <br> A long pause. <br> <br> <q>$aisling[...Maybe verbal description isn't where memes shine.]</q> Says $nameText[Aisling]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainTalkMemes0 is 2)[ <q>$playerTalk[Alright, it's <q>Hide Your Pain Harold</q> and like the top image it's his face and it says <q>Works 100 hour weeks, doesn't have health insurance</q> and the bottom image is just that picture of $nameText[Elon Musk] smoking weed and it says <q>Capitalism</q>.]</q> You explain. <br> <br> A long pause. <br> <br> <q>$aisling[...Maybe verbal description isn't where memes shine.]</q> Says $nameText[Aisling]. ] } {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>Hey, I just improvised that!</q>")[ (goto:"goth intro memes 3") ] </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Hey, I just improvised that!]</q> You say to hide your embarassment. <q>$aisling[Yuck, improv, we don't mess with that stuff.]</q> Protests $nameText[Aisling]. <q>$langouria[Yeah, we like dark shit but not //that// dark!]</q> Adds $nameText[Langouria] {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>Why does everyone hate improv?</q>")[ (goto:"goth zombie") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Whatever, you have to leave.</q>")[ (goto:"goth zombie") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Do you hear that?</q>")[ (goto:"goth zombie") ]</li> </ol> (live: 8s)[ (goto:"goth zombie") ]}

{ (display: "func:decision") <br> <div class="center"> TRY TO SAVE $nameText[LANGOURIA] OR $nameText[AISLING] </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center"> (link:"SAVE<BR>LANGOURIA")[ (goto: "goth zombie decision langouria") ] </div> } =| { <div class="center">  ~~SAVE<BR>AISLING~~ </div> } |=| </div>

(display:"main bite")

(display:"main clean")

You try to wrestle $nameText[Langouria] free from the $emph[zombie]. You don't notice $emph[another zombie in a tuxedo] approach. It $emph[bites] your $emph[neck]. It would have been kinda hot if he didn't bite so hard. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main bite 2]] </div> }

Double-click this passage to edit it.

$nameText[Aisling] $emph[body checks] the $emph[zombie] off of you. {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>Thanks..</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite2 to 0) (goto:"main bite 3") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>I had it covered...</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite2 to 1) (goto:"main bite 3") ] </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBite2 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[Thanks.]</q> You murmur, $emph[blood] trailing from your $emph[neck]. <br><br> She doesn't hear you. She's staring at a $emph[pile of zombies] eating $nameText[Langouria]. <br><br> <ol> <li>(link:"<q>We gotta go!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite3 to 0) (goto: "main bite 4") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"<q>Come on!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite3 to 1) (goto: "main bite 4") ]</li> </ol> ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBite2 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[I had it covered...]</q> You murmur, $emph[blood] trailing from your $emph[neck]. <br><br> She doesn't hear your $emph[toxic masculinity]. She's staring at a $emph[pile of zombies] eating $nameText[Langouria]. <br><br> <ol> <li>(link:"<q>We gotta go!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite3 to 0) (goto: "main bite 4") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"<q>Come on!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite3 to 1) (goto: "main bite 4") ]</li> </ol> ] }

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBite3 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[We gotta go!]</q> You shout. <br><br> <q>$aisling[That's my $emph[girlfriend], man!]</q> She shouts back. <br><br> <ol> <li>(link:"<q>We don't need to die, too!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 0) (goto: "main bite 5") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>It's too late!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 1) (goto: "main bite 5") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>Are you two, like, exclusive?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 2) (goto: "main bite 5") ] </ol> ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBite3 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[Come on!]</q> You shout. <br><br> <q>$aisling[That's my $emph[girlfriend], man!]</q> She yells. <br><br> <ol> <li>(link:"<q>We don't need to die, too!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 0) (goto: "main bite 5") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>It's too late!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 1) (goto: "main bite 5") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>Are you two exclusive?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBite4 to 2) (goto: "main bite 5") ] </ol> ] }

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBite4 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[We don't need to die, too!]</q> You implore. <br><br> She snaps out of it. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBite4 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[It's too late!]</q> You implore. <br><br> She snaps out of it. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBite4 is 2)[ <q>$playerTalk[Are you two, like, exclusive?]</q> You ask. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] turns and gives you a $emph[wallop] right in the $emph[stomach]. She follows it up with a harsh $emph[biff] to your $emph[face]. <br><br> She's back to her senses. ] } Every $emph[corpse] in the cemetery has left their grave and is shambling towards you. {<ol> <li>[[GO INSIDE SHACK-> main bite shack]] </ol>}

You both run inside the $emph[shack]. You've never been more thankful that there are no $emph[windows]. The $emph[door] won't hold on its own, you should $emph[push something against it]. {<ol> <li>(link: "Push Fridge")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 to 0) (goto: "main bite shack 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Push Table")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 to 1) (goto: "main bite shack 2") ]</li> </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 is 0)[ You both push the $emph[fridge] against the $emph[door]. <br><br> It should hold for a while. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 is 1)[ You both push the $emph[table] against the $emph[door]. <br><br> It should hold for a while. ] } {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>This got dark in a hurry...</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 to 0) (goto: "main bite shack 3") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>This isn't fun anymore...</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 to 1) (goto: "main bite shack 3") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>Why a zombie in a wedding dress?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 to 2) (goto: "main bite shack 3") ] </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[This got dark in a hurry...]</q> You say. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] points to your $emph[neck]. <br><br> <q>$aisling[You were bit!]</q> She states. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[This isn't fun anymore... this was supposed to be a goofy jaunt!]</q> You say. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] points to your $emph[neck]. <br><br> <q>$aisling[You were bit!]</q> She states. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack2 is 2)[ <q>$playerTalk[Why was that zombie wearing a wedding dress? Even if you died at your wedding they wouldn't bury you in a wedding dress.]</q> You say. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] points to your $emph[neck]. <br><br> <q>$aisling[You were bit!]<q> She states. ] } {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>It's fine.</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack3 to 0) (goto:"main bite shack 4") ] <br><br> <li>(link:"<q>So?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack3 to 1) (goto:"main bite shack 4") ] </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack3 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[It's fine. Random dudes bite me all the time. I think I give off a vibe.]</q> You say. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack3 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[So? I've been bitten by lots of things.]</q> You say. ] } <q>$aisling[You're gonna become one of them!]</q> She bursts. {<ol> <li>[[<q>That's not true.</q>->main bite shack 5]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>I'm fine.</q>->main bite shack 5]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>That's dumb.</q>->main bite shack 5]] </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Brains.]</q> You moan. You $emph[slap] your hands over your $emph[mouth]. <q>$aisling[See, It's happening!]</q> Exclaims $nameText[Aisling]. {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>What now?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack5 to 0) (goto: "main bite shack 6") ] <br><br> <li>(link: "<q>I don't wanna be a zombie!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack5 to 1) (goto: "main bite shack 6") ] </ol>}

{ (live: 300ms)[ (display: (either: "zombie text 1" , "zombie text 1" , "zombie text 2")) ] }

{ (link: "CONTINUE")[ (goto:"main die 7") ] }

{ (link: "EAT BRAIN")[ (goto:"main die 7") ] }

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack5 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[What now?]</q> You ask, your voice shaking. <br><br> <q>$aisling[The way I see it we have two options. You can go outside and $emph[become a zombie].]</q> She responds, trying not to sound freaked out. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack5 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[But I don't wanna be a $emph[zombie]!]</q> You protest. <br><br> <q>$aisling[The way I see it we have two options. You can go outside and $emph[do zombie shit].]</q> She responds, trying not to sound freaked out. ] } (You can't help but wonder what $nameText[Aisling]'s $emph[brain] tastes like.) {<div class="center"> [[<Q>OPTION TWO?</q>->main bite shack 7]] </div>}

{ (display: "func:decision") <br> <div class="center"> BECOME A ZOMBIE OR END IT </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center"> (link:"BECOME<BR>ZOMBIE")[ (goto: "main bite shack decision zombie") ] </div> } =| { <div class="center"> (link:"END<br>IT")[ (goto: "main bite shack decision die") ] </div> } |=| </div>

(display:"main zombie")

(display: "main die")

<q>$playerTalk[I don't want to be a $emph[zombie], let's end it!]</q> You respond. (To be fair, $nameText[Aisling]'s $emph[brain] is probably pretty tasty.) { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main die 2]] </div> }

<q>$playerTalk[I'm gonna go do $emph[zombie shit].]</q> You say. <q>$aisling[That's what I would do.]</q> Replies $nameText[Aisling]. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 1]] </div>}

<q>$aisling[I would have made the same choice.]</q> Lies $nameText[Aisling]. <q>$aisling[We just need to find $emph[something] //`*you*`// can use to bust open your $emph[head].]</q> She adds. {<ol> <li>(link:"<q>I'm not doing it!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie2 to 0) (goto: "main die 3") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"<q>You have to do it!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie2 to 1) (goto: "main die 3") ]</li> </ol>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainDie2 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm not doing it!]</q> You dissent. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainDie2 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[You have to do it!]</q> You dissent. ] } <q>$aisling[No way I'm doing it!]</q> Replies $nameText[Aisling]. { <ol> <li>(link:"<q>I can't physically bash my own head in!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie3 to 0) (goto:"main die 4") ]</li> <br> <li>(link:"<q>If I do it I won't get into heaven!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie3 to 1) (goto:"main die 4") ] </ol> }

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainDie3 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[I can't get the right leverage to do it myself.]</q> You say. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainDie3 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[If I bash my own head in I won't get into heaven. Them's the rules!]</q> You say. ] } (Look at that $emph[tasty brain].) <q>$playerTalk[Hurry, things are starting to get $emph[weird]]</q> You add. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main die 5]] </div>}

<q>$aisling[Ok, fine! What are we going to use?]</q> Asks $nameText[Aisling]. ($emph[Tasty tasty brain, yo!]) {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>My shovel</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie5 to 0) (goto: "main die 6") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "Eat her brain!")[ NO! ]</li> <br>  </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Use my $emph[shovel]. That's how I want to go.]</q> You say. You take off your $emph[bag] and toss it at $nameText[Aisling]. She takes out your $emph[shovel]. <q>$aisling[Ok, just like playing $emph[softball]...]</q> She says, not realizing how $emph[delicious] her $emph[brain] is. { <div class="center"> (display:"zombie text1") </div> }

Double-click this passage to edit it.

<q>$playerTalk[What's the other option?]</q> You ask. <q>$aisling[We uh... $emph[bash your head in].]</q> She says through a grimace. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main bite shack decision]] </div> }

$nameText[Aisling] winds up... And $emph[smashes] it across your $emph[skull]. {<div class="center"> [[<q>AGH!</q>->main die 8]] </div>}

$blur[(display: "main die 8 text")]

You see $emph[stars]. <q>$playerTalk[AGH!]</q> You scream while thinking of $emph[munching] that $emph[brain]. <q>$aisling[Christ, I'm so sorry!]</q> Brains $nameText[Aisling]. { <ol> <li>(link:"<q>Use the sharp sides!")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainDie8 to 0) (goto: "main die 9") ]</li> </ol> }

$blur[(display: "main die 9 text")]

<q>$playerTalk[Brains!]</q> You brain. <q>$aisling[God dammit!]</q> Brains $nameText[Brainsling], $emph[tears] braining down her brains. She brains the $emph[shovel] above her $emph[brains], leaving her $emph[brains] wide open. { <div class="center"> [[EAT BRAINS->main die decision]] </div> }

{ (display: "func:brains") <br> <div class="center"> BRAINS BRAINS $nameText[BRAINS] BRAINS $emph[BRAINS]? </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center"> (link:"BRAINS!")[ (goto: "main die 10") ] </div> } =| { <div class="center"> (link:"¡BRAINS!")[ (goto: "main die 10") ] </div> } |=| </div>

$blur[(display:"main die 10 text")] (live: 8s)[ (goto: "game over") ]

<q>$playerTalk[BRAINS]</q> You brain as you $emph[lunge] for $nameText[Brains]. Before brains can eat $nameText[Brains], she brains the $emph[brains] right in your $emph[brains]. You brains to the $emph[floor].

You take off your $emph[bag]. You don't need it while $emph[zombie-ing] and the $emph[inventory system] was ill-conceived to begin with. { (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 is 0)[ You and $nameText[Aisling] $emph[push] away the $emph[fridge]. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainBiteShack1 is 1)[ You and $nameText[Aisling] $emph[push] away the $emph[table]. ] } You stand with your hand on the $emph[doorknob], ready to join the $emph[horde]. {<ol> <li>(link: "<q>See ya!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainZombie1 to 0) (goto: "main zombie 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Later!</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainZombie1 to 1) (goto: "main zombie 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>Wanna make out?</q>")[ (set: $mainTalk's mainZombie1 to 2) (goto: "main zombie make out") ]</li> </ol>}

<q>$playerTalk[Before I go, wanna make out?]</q> You ask. <q>$aisling[I'm sixteen.]</q> She replies. { <ol> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no Jerry Seinfeld</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 0) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no Rob Lowe</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 1) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no Drake</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 2) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no R. Kelly</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 3) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no Robin Thicke</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 4) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> <br> <li>(link: "<q>I'm no Wilmer Valderrama</q>")[ (set: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut to 5) (goto: "main zombie make out 2") ]</li> </ol> }

{ (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no Jerry Seinfeld]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no Rob Lowe]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 2)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no Drake]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 3)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no R. Kelly]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 4)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no Robin Thicke]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] (if: $playerTalk's mainZombieMakeOut is 5)[ <q>$playerTalk[I'm no Wilmer Valderrama]</q> You say. <br><br> You leave. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] shuts the door behind you. ] } {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 3]] </div>}

{ (if: $mainTalk's mainZombie1 is 0)[ <q>$playerTalk[See ya!] You say. <br><br> You exit. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] quickly shuts and barricades the door behind you. ] (if: $mainTalk's mainZombie1 is 1)[ <q>$playerTalk[Later!] You say. <br><br> You exit. <br><br> $nameText[Aisling] quickly shuts and barricades the door behind you. ] } {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 3]] </div>}

You walk out amongst the $emph[zombies]. They look at you but can't quite focus. They decide you are either $emph[one of them] or $emph[not worth the effort]. (You are developing a $emph[hankering] for $emph[brains].) { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 4]] </div> }

Normally you hate crowds but this feels kinda nice. Maybe the shared love of $emph[brains] is making you feel like part of a community. <q>$playerTalk[This is nice to instantly become part of a community... I get improv now!]</q> You think. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 5]] </div>}

As you wander around the $emph[cemetery] you notice the other $emph[zombies] are following you. When you stop, they stop. When you go, they go. Maybe since you are a $emph[fresh zombie] they think of you as some kind of leader. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 6]] </div>}

<q>$playerTalk[I'm in a leadership position. Looks like that $emph[comparative literature] degree paid off!]</q> You say. The $emph[zombies] nod in agreement. Or their decomposing $emph[verterbrae] can't support their heads. <q>$playerTalk[Too bad I'll never pay off that $emph[student loan]...]</q> You lament. { (if: $player's hobby is "memes")[ You know, you did always say $emph[eat the rich]... <br><br> <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie meme decision]] </div> ] (else:)[ <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie chill]] <div> ] }

{ <div class="center"> <h1>TWO WEEKS LATER</h1> </div> (live: 4s)[ (goto:"main zombie 8") ] }

Inside $emph[Sallie Mae] executives $nameText[Chad] and $nameText[Brock] discuss their weekends. <q>$talk1[I bought eight more $emph[yachts] for Saturday. Taking my collection to $emph[69] yachts.]</q> Says $nameText[Chad]. <q>$talk2[Noyce. Yachts are tight. Poor people suck.]</q> Responds $nameText[Brock]. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 9]] <div> }

The door $emph[busts] off it's hinges. You and your $emph[zombie comrades] flood into the room. You $emph[munch] the shit out of $nameText[Brock]'s brain. <q>$talk1[No, don't eat me!]</q> Pleads $nameText[Chad]. {<ol> <li>[[Bite his neck.->main zombie 10]] <br><br> <li>[[Bite his face.->main zombie 10]] </ol>}

You $emph[lock] your teeth around him. <q>$talk1[I asked for the opposite of this! Too late do I understand $emph[consent]!]</q> Says $nameText[Chad] as you $emph[snack] him to death. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 11]] </div>}

{ (display: "func:decision") <br> <div class="center"> CHILL WITH ZOMBIES OR EAT THE RICH? </div> } <div id="choice"> |= { <div class="center">  ~~CHILL<br>WITH<br>ZOMBIES~~ </div> } =| { <div class="center"> (link:"EAT<br>THE<br>RICH")[ (goto: "main zombie 7") ] </div> } |=| </div>

(display: "unfinished")

{ <div class="center"> <h1>THREE DAYS LATER</h1> </div> (live: 4s)[ (goto:"main zombie 12") ] }

Inside his $emph[mansion] $nameText[Elon Musk] stares into a mirror wearing nothing but a pair of white briefs. He is rhythmically $emph[slapping] his $emph[tummy]. <q>$talk1[Hey, $nameText[Grimes], does this sound like the beginning to <q>$emph[Rasputin]</q> by $emph[Boney M.]?]</q> He asks. <q>$talk2[Yeah, kinda.]</q> Replies $nameText[Grimes]. {<div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie 13]] </div>} (link: "Listen to //Rasputin// (Opens New Tab)")[ (open-url: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYnVYJDxu2Q") ]

You and your $emph[zombuds] $emph[smash] through the door. <q>$talk1[Who let you $emph[pedophiles] in here?]</q> Asks $nameText[Elon]. { <ol> <li>[[<q>BRAINS!->main zombie 14]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>BRAINS!->main zombie 14]] <br><br> <li>[[<q>BRAINS!->main zombie 14]] </ol> }

<q>$playerText[BRAINS!]</q> You moan. You begin $emph[eating] his delicious $emph[tummy]. { <div class="center"> [[CONTINUE->main zombie end]] </div> }

(display:"func:win") { <div class="center"> You became a zombie, which sucks, but you also ate capitalism! <br><br><br><br> (link: "CREDITS")[ (goto: "credits") ] </div> }

(display: "func:credits") {<div id="byline"> CREATED BY:<br><br>PATRICK<BR>SUSMILCH </div>} { <div class="center"> (link: "`*DONATE*`")[ (open-url: "https://ko-fi.com/patricksusmilch") ] <br><br> (link: "`*MORE GAMES*`")[ (open-url: "http://philome.la/PSusmilch/index/play") ] <br><br> (link: "`*TITLE SCREEN*`")[ (reload:) ] </div> </ul>}