Kra'arnauk's Battle

<> <<if $distance_val == 4>><<set $distance = "just out of range!">> <<elseif $distance_val == 3>><<set $distance = "not far now.">> <<elseif $distance_val == 2>><<set $distance = "well out of reach.">> <<else>><<set $distance = "farther away than ever.">> <<endif>> <>

<<display "Calculate All">><<set $rounds += 1>><<display "Aftermath">><<if $message>>$message<<unset $message>> <<endif>><<if $handaxe_message == 1>>I hurl a handaxe at my foe. It connects! @@.red;//A glancing blow!//@@ The floating eye is @@.red;''hurt, but unfazed''@@. The floating eye jets backwards away from me in response.<<set $point2 = 10>> <<elseif $handaxe_message == 2>>I hurl a handaxe at my foe. It sails wide and hits the water with a loud 'ploop'. The floating eye takes the opportunity to hover further away. That was my last handaxe.<<set $point3 = 10>> <<endif>><<unset $handaxe_message>>The floating eyeball is @@.red;$distance@@ My current course is @@.red;<<print $directions[$direction_val]>>.@@ My current point of sail is @@.red;$heading.<<set $direction_val += 1>>@@ <<set $direction_val = $direction_val % 10>> $reidmar $niolle <<if $rounds == 8>>[[Head straight for the eyeball!|Surfing Kra'arnauk]] [[Adjust your heading to intercept it!|Surfing Kra'arnauk]] [[Swing your glaive at it!!|Surfing Kra'arnauk]]<<if $handaxes>> [[Throw a handaxe at it!|Surfing Kra'arnauk]]<<endif>><<elseif $rounds == 20>>[[Head straight for the eyeball!|Finale]] [[Adjust your heading to intercept it!|Finale]] [[Swing your glaive at it!!|Finale]]<<if $handaxes>> [[Throw a handaxe at it!|Finale]]<<endif>><<else>>[[Head straight for the eyeball!|Battle Scene][$click="straight"]] [[Adjust your heading to intercept it!|Battle Scene][$click="cut"]] [[Swing your glaive at it!!|Battle Scene][$click="glaive"]]<<if $handaxes>> [[Throw a handaxe at it!|Battle Scene][$click="handaxe"]]<<endif>><<endif>>

<> <<if $rounds <= 6>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is fending off a tentacle!">> <<elseif $rounds <= 7>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is preparing a magic spell...">> <<elseif $rounds <= 12>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is fending off another tentacle.">> <<elseif $rounds <= 13>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is floating over to Reidmar's boat.">> <<elseif $rounds <= 15>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is trying to help Reidmar out of the water!">> <<elseif $rounds == 19>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is preparing another magic spell...">> <<else>><<set $niolle = "Niolle is fending off a tentacle again.">> <<endif>> <<if $rounds <= 4>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar is beating up a tentacle with his staff!">> <<elseif $rounds <= 6>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar is still beating up a tentacle with his staff.">> <<elseif $rounds <= 10>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar is trying to intercept the floating eyeball!">> <<elseif $rounds <= 11>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar has jumped in the water!">> <<elseif $rounds <= 17>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar is still swimming around in the water.">> <<else>><<set $reidmar = "Reidmar is still playing around in the water.">> <<endif>> <>

<><<display "Calculate Distance Value">><<display "Calculate Allies">><<display "Calculate Distance">><>

Niolle finishes her incantation and slams the water with her staff, creating a huge tidal wave! My boat catches the wave and rises into the air! I struggle to keep my balance as the wave swells beneath me. Just barely managing to stay on my feet, I realize the floating eyeball is directly in my path!<<set $direction_val -= 1>><<set $rounds += 1>> [[Execute Ragetech Manuever Lv. 4: Surfing Guillotine!|Surfing Aftermath]]

I bring my glaive directly overhead and time the downswing with the descent of my boat, landing my attack directly onto the floating eye's carapace! @@.red;//A brutal blow!//@@ The floating eye's carapace is @@.red;''cracked''@@. The floating eye is @@.red;''disoriented''@@. I am feeling @@.red;''incredible''@@. I have gained @@.red;''2''@@ Ragetech Skill Points. [[Follow-up with a cross-swing!|Battle Scene][$aftermath to "attack"]] [[Regain my balance.|Battle Scene][$aftermath to "balance"]] [[Gloat!|Battle Scene][$aftermath to "gloat"]] [[Review Ragetech Skill Tree|Battle Scene][$aftermath to "review"]]

<<if $aftermath == "attack">>I bring my glaive around for a vicious horizontal sweep, but fall onto my ass as my boat is tossed about by the still-turbulent waters. My impatience has cost me my opening, as the floating eye once agains hovers away, out of range. <<set $point4 = 10>> <<elseif $aftermath == "balance">>I steady myself as the boat bobs and rocks under my feet following Niolle's shockwave. Ha ha! A year ago I had never so much had been on a boat, and now I already have my sea legs! While praising myself for my footwork, the floating eye has hovered out of range again. Goddamnit. <<elseif $aftermath == "gloat">>I laugh victoriously, taunting my EEvil foe. "I have one giant eye trophy in my pack already," I sneer mockingly, "And yours will soon be joining it!" (Alright, not my best. 6/10.) While I say hurtful words at it, the floating eye hovers out of range again. Next time I will try injury, THEN insult. <<elseif $aftermath == "review">>I open up my Ragetech Skill Tree to determine the best place to spend my freshly-acquired Ragetech Skill Points. This thing is a goddamn mess. Way back when, after spending the requisite points on Getting Mad and Hurting Stuff, the first thing I did was bee-line straight for that Surfing Guillotine move, which I've never used before and will almost certainly never use again. Since that incident, I've had a rule about never messing with the Ragetech Skill Tree while drunk, hungover or angry, which pretty much describes the Venn diagram of my life. The result is that my points are just... just //everywhere//, spent haphazardly during those rare moments of clarity just to be done with it so I could get back to drinking. Ugh. My past self is an idiot. Thinking about him makes me want to drink. I'm awakened from my reverie by my allies, who are shouting something and gesturing emphatically. It seems, while pondering my imaginary skill tree and my life choices in general, I've let the floating eye hover out of range once again. Oops. <<endif>><<unset $aftermath>>

<<if not $bored>><<set $bored = 1>><<endif>>I am bored.<<set $bored += 1>> <<if $bored < 8>>[[Wait.|Introduction 1]]<<else>>[[Wait.|Introduction 2]]<<endif>>

I am //really// bored. I am starting to doubt my belief that seagulls are capital-E Evil. I'm not even sure where I got that they were lowercase-E evil. It seemed so obvious at the time, but now I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, seagulls are just birds. ...I guess they steal food and poop on things. Yeah, that's evil, right? Whatever. It's a moot point. None of them will come within range of my glaive. A few occasionally perch on some ruined column of this hideous temple (to poop on it), tempting me to chuck a handaxe at them. That //would// be hilarious if I could hit one -- I can picture the explosion of feathers and viscera //so// clearly -- but even then, it's not worth losing a handaxe in the ocean for. These seagulls annoy me. This temple annoys me. Creepy writhing tentacles everywhere. Ugh. Nothing for it. I have a mission. [[Continue to guard the boat.]]

Nah, screw it, my boredom has surpassed my hangover. Maybe there will be some Evil cultists for me to eviscerate. Forget hair of the dog, there's nothing like eviscerating some Evil cultists to get your head clear. [[Enter the temple.]]

The pungent smell of mildew eminates from the wet dungeon walls. Slick stone steps lead down into the murky darkness, ending at a crude granite slab covering a black apeture. The slab is covered from top to bottom in illegible scrawlings and blasphemous carvings: the work of fevered minds, driven mad by their own god's terrible whispers. A fetid stench wafts from the dank twilight beyond, and blah blah blah, this is a Bad Place, don't bring the kids, etc. etc. Moving right along... [[Catch up.]]

Alright! [[Set sail!]]

Nah, I got this. I am all over this. The boat goes in the direction of the wind, right? Easy. [[Jump in the sailboat!]]<<set $point1 = 0>>

Yes!! ...there is no wind in this part of the temple. [[Start paddling!]]

Less exciting!! But yeah looks like that's my only option. [[So do it already.]]

Gotta sail into range first. Give me a second. The eyeball rants on, "You tread upon a holy site, blasphemers. I am its keeper and its guardian -- and I shall strike you down." The eyeball's voice suddenly rises, and it screeches, "No! More than its guardian! I am its GOD! I am the true God of the Ocean! Wretched mortals, the penalty for defiling my dominion is DEATH!" Yesssssssssssss. This thing isn't just capital-E Evil. This thing is like... //double//-capital-E Evil. EEvil. I am going to slay this thing SO HARD. [[Roll for initiative!]]

I roll really well! So well I almost capsize! (That is a nautical joke, ha ha.) The floating eye extends its tentacles further into the water. Suddenly, several burst out of the water right near us! I hack the one nearest me off at its base, causing the eye to shriek in pain. Looks like I've got a clear shot right to it! [[Ramming speed!!]]

Leaving my friends to fend off the remaining tentacles, I set sail directly for the floating eye!<<set $distance_val = 3>><<set $rounds = 1>><<set $handaxes = 2>><<set $heading = either("rambling", "rankling", "rasping", "reeking", "rifling", "ruffling")>><<set $directions = [ "Westerly", "Mostly Up", "Dead Up", "Left of East", "Eastish", "Starboard", "Not Exactly South", "Unnorth", "Back and Away", "Widdershins"]>><<set $direction_val = 0>> Unfortunately, I misjudge the wind, leaving me out of melee range. <<display "Battle Scene">>

<<silently>><<if $click == "straight">> <<set $change = either(-1, -1, -1, -1, 1, 1, 1, 1)>> <<set $distance_val = ($distance_val + $change).clamp(1,4)>> <<if $change == 1>> <<set $message = "I catch the wind in my sails, and manage to gain some ground on the floating eye!">> <<set $heading = either("raiding", "raking", "ramming", "reaping", "reckoning", "roistering")>> <<else>> <<set $message = "I try to sail right for the eye, but a sudden shift in the wind kills my speed, and lets the eye float farther away...">> <<set $heading = either("rambling", "rankling", "rasping", "reeking", "rifling", "ruffling")>> <<endif>> <<elseif $click == "cut">> <<set $before = either("rambling", "rankling", "rasping", "reeking", "rifling", "ruffling")>> <<set $after = either("raiding", "raking", "ramming", "reaping", "reckoning", "roistering")>> <<set $bad = either("beaten", "beaching", "beviling", "bewailing")>> <<set $change = either(-1, -1, -1, -1, 1, 1, 1)>> <<set $distance_val = ($distance_val + $change).clamp(1,4)>> <<if $change == 1>> <<set $message = "I adjust my bearing from " + $before + " to "+$after+", allowing me to move to intercept the floating eye!">> <<set $heading = $after>> <<else>> <<set $message = "I manage to shift my bearing from "+$before+" to "+$after+", but a sudden shift in the wind leaves my boat "+$bad+" instead, giving the floating eye a chance to put some distance between us.">> <<set $heading = $bad>> <<endif>> <<elseif $click == "glaive">> <<set $change = -1>> <<if $distance_val == 4>> <<set $message = "I swing my glaive at the aberration, but I'm not quite close enough to land a blow! The floating eye uses the opportunity to float away again...">><<set $point5 = 10>> <<else>> <<set $message = "I wildly swing my glaive at the air, but I'm nowhere close enough!! Just because I've got three fewer eyes than my foe doesn't mean I should pretend I don't have any depth preception.">> <<endif>> <<set $distance_val = ($distance_val + $change).clamp(1,4)>> <<elseif $click == "handaxe">> <<set $change = -1>> <<set $distance_val = ($distance_val + $change).clamp(1,4)>> <<if $handaxes == 2>> <<set $handaxe_message = 1>> <<else>> <<set $handaxe_message = 2>> <<endif>> <<set $handaxes -= 1>> <<endif>> <<unset $click>> <<endsilently>>

Niolle gestures dramatically, sending a @@.zap;''massive bolt of lighting''@@ from the tips of her fingers into the floating eye. The eye reels, gurgles, then plummets into the water, where it floats, "face"down. My boat floats over and bumps into the aberration's hide. I slice into with my glaive, just to make sure, but it's a half-hearted executing blow. I glance over at Niolle, who catches the expression on my face and diplomatically shoots me a "You lightened it up for me" thumbs-up. [[...|Finale 2]]

This battle has taught me something. In this life, there are moments, precious moments. They don't last long. There are moments where we have the chance to hurt someone we are close to. But these moments vanish in the blink of an eye, leaving us alone, out of mêlée range once again. Wishing we had more time, waiving our glaives helplessly in the wind. We must make the most of these moments while they last. We never know when we will have another. Perhaps I have been so caught up in cutting things open with the //sharp// end of my glaive that I have missed opportunities to bash in someone's skull with the //blunt// end. Reidmar's presence of mind is an inspiration -- he never misses an opportunity to bring the other end of his staff around to slam someone's kneecap in. Or throw an elbow! Or jab their throat! Perhaps he can show me how he does it. Because life is too short. Unless you are Evil and within mêlée range of me, in which case your life is exactly short enough, you vile abomination. [[Fin]]

I push aside the ponderous slab and... Whoa. I missed some shit. Cooked octopi lying everywhere, a dead crocodile at least twelve feet long and someone crushed under a collapsed wall. I mean, I've been to parties like this, but not in the middle of the //ocean//. Blood's fresh. Friends must be nearby. Beyond this point, the temple is flooded, the path replaced by a canal which leads further inwards. There's a small sailboat here, large enough for one occupant. Looks like I can follow them with this. [[Jump in the sailboat!]] [[Review the sailing rules.]]

!THE END<<set $total = $point1 + $point2 + $point3 + $point4 + $point5>> You have scored a total of $total out of 50 points. Your final rank is: @@color:cyan;<<if $total == 0>>Shump<<elseif $total == 10>>Grum<<elseif $total == 20>>Rage Neophyte<<elseif $total == 30>>Berserker<<elseif $total == 40>>Enemy to Evil<<elseif $total == 50>>Gruumsh's Champion<<endif>>@@

!Kra'arnauk's Battle Simulator !!Chapter One: !!To Have and Behold !!!or !!The Eyes Have It [[Begin!|Introduction 1]]<<set $point1 = 10>><<set $point2 = 0>><<set $point3 = 0>><<set $point4 = 0>><<set $point5 = 0>>

I begin paddling my way down the underground canal. It isn't long before I catch up to Reidmar and Niolle. Melody appears to be slumbering in Reidmar's boat -- apparently the free beer finally caught up to her. Niolle says No, Melody fainted after receiving a mystical spirit vision from the Gods themselves. Again, yeah. I've been to parties like that. This just looks to me like her hangover caught its second wind. Hangovers can be tricky like that; that's why it's so important to drink heavily the next morning too, to pre-emptively guard yourself against exactly this sort of thing. Looks like Melody just didn't take her hair of the dog seriously enough. Niolle doesn't try to argue with me. She's smart enough to accept my authority on these matters. [[Continue on.]]

As the three of us who are conscious turn a corner, we find ourselves in a large, circular chamber with (here's where things get interesting) a creepy floating eye in the middle of it. The eye has four eyestalks growing out of the top of its carapaced, uh, "head", a mouth full of teeth like sewing pins and long wiggly tentacles descending into the water. "Fools!", the eyeball bellows. Yesssss. This thing is totally Evil. [[Slay the hell out of it!]]

@@.yes;VICTORY!@@ I have gained @@.red;''4''@@ creepy squishy little eyeballs. I have gained @@.red;''1''@@ creepy squishy big eyeball. Reidmar has gained @@.red;''1''@@ magic gem thingie. Reidmar has discarded @@.red;''1''@@ magic gem thingie. I have gained @@.red;''1''@@ magic gem thingie. We have all gained @@.red;''an intangible amount''@@ of experience points. I have gained @@.red;''a lesson''@@. [[Moral of the Story]]