You're back here again, you don't know how, but you managed to wind up in the same fucking spot, AGAIN. You're tired, exhausted, and most importantly, almost out of both crack and energy drinks. Both are needed to run.
Run from what?
Run towards who?
From the Zombear.
The fucking Zombear.
An undead, 14 foot tall, three ton monstrosity that has a zomboner for your brain, and it's a fucking bear turned zombie. Hence, the Zombear.
You're lost in the woods, again, after running for so long your legs are wobbling, but you don't dare stop. The forest is dark and full of danger.
Just one danger.
That fucking Zombear.
The trees and brush are so thick you can't make heads or tails of the direction, time, or whether of not you have a cell signal. Plus, it's a nokia push button phone and you're Snapchat account isn't popular. So you know, there's that as well.
There's still the thick fog, so thick it's like a giant pop up book of fuck no.
At long last, there's a clearing, but you hear the Zombear in the distance, moaning, roaring, calling out for brain that it can sink it's dick teeth into like it was a very bad porn/snuff film.
That's right, the Druid gave the damned thing giant veiny dicks for teeth, and they're all lined with razors. That druid was into some kinky fucking shit.
To your left, there's a cave.
Ahead, there's a climbable tree.
To your right, theres a river that might lead to a waterfall.
And behind you, is the dick toothed zombear.
It's getting closer, and if that thing catches you, it's going to gang bang your brain right through your skull. Oh, fucking joy.
[[Go into the cave.]]
[[Climb the tree.]]
[[Jump in the river.]]
(either: "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]", "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]")You hoof it into the cave, the zombear bolts right behind you, causing you to shit yourself.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR EXPOSITION, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO!?
(either:"[[Run further into the cave.]]","[[run further into the cave.]]")
(either:"[[Run behind some stalagmites.]]","[[run behind some stalagmites.]]")
(either:"[[Jump down the cave cliff.]]","[[jump down a cave cliff.]]")
(either: "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]", "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]")you bolt your ass up the tree, thinking your perfectly safe, only to come across some Zombie Squirrels.
God.
Fucking.
Damn.
That.
Druid.
Beneath you, the zombear charges full tilt at the tree, cracking the truck a third of the way through. Meanwhile, the zombie squirrels are looking for meat based nuts and they see you.
Y'know, cause you were nuts thinking this was a great idea. The zombear backs up a few steps and gets ready to charge again.
There's another tree nearby, with a thicker truck, better branches, but with more zombie squirrels.
You could fight the ones here, but would it be worth the time?
Conversely, you could try to ljump out of the tree and stomb on the dick toothed zombears head to kill it, but you'd need to be higher up.
What do you do?
(either:"[[Jump to the next tree.]]","[[jump to the next tree.]]")
(either:"[[Fight the zombie squirrels.]]","[[fight the zombie squirrels.]]")
(either:"[[Climb higher.]]","[[climb higher]]")You jump in the river, midair thinking your safe, in the water, not so safe. As their are zombie fish.
IN THE FUCKING WATER.
the zombear bolts in after you, both of you are being flung down the river as fast as the current can carry you.
The zombie fish are swarming around you, but not attacking. But they will if you start bleeding.
The river carries the both of you further down it, there are heavy boulders that constantly fall into the river as the zombear gets closer.
The zombie fish are swarming, the zombear is closing the distance, the boulders are falling hard and fast, what do you do!?
(either: "[[Get on dry land.]]", "[[get on dry land.]]")
(either: "[[Dodge the falling boulders.]]", "[[dodge the falling boulders.]]")
(either: "[[Fight the zombie fish.]]", "[[fight the zombie fish]]")
(either: "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]", "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]")You turn to fight hte zombear, you've had enough of its shit, constantly chasing your dumb ass around the forest like this. You quickly take a commanding battle stance, and focus your hidden power into a tight ball of blinding light and begin the charging up process. The zombear gives no shits and realizes the power of anime doesn't protect dumb fucks like you from its massive vieny dick teeth.
You rush the job, fling the weirdly named attack at the zombear.
It burns off the last remaining nipple. How many nipples does a zombear have?
why are you concerning yourself with this question when it's pretty apparent that your completely and utterly fucked. Well, your brains about to be completely and utterly fucked by massive, razor sharp, veiny, erect, dick teeth.
You?
Your heads just going to be popped open like a chocolate egg on easter.
Cadbury eggs sound great right now.
Want to know what else is sounding great?
Your skull cracking open and it's delicious contents being pulled out.
Immediately, you blank out as a strange light surrounds your body.
A cacling voice cries out, "NO, iI FORBID YOU TO DIE! Try again, numb nuts!"
You wake up, [[lost in a stupid forest.]]
You run further into the fucking cave, knowing that your best option is to just keep going away from the thing chasing you instead of outright fighting with it. which, might be better or worse, depending on your luck. You go through an ever increasing number of forks, each with its own little tricks, traps, and traverses, the zombear always right behind you, it's powerful nose sniffing you out, regardless of where you choose.
Eventually, you're out of breath, and you trip over a stone, falling over, you expect the worst.
you hear a cackling voice, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" and feel a cold, lifeless energfy surge into your body, it's almost as if whatever happened to the zombear, is happening you as well. You lose ocntrol of yourself, not sure if the thing you want to happen is happening, but ast the same time, you know to just go with the flow, not that you have much control over it to begin with.
Slowly your body begins to run towards the zombear.
Fuck, it looks like you're going to have to fight the zombear.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")You dash behind some stalagmites and think you're safew from the zombear.
Nope, instead you find yourself face to face with a furiously materbating Druid.
This.
Is.
fucked.
You both stare at each other for a full minute in silence. The druid continuin to masterbait while locking eyes with you.
Slowly.
"Hi." They greet you with a wave of their hand.
"Hi." You respond with a wave of yours.
both of your hands?
They almost touch.
Almost.
By an inch.
Lucky fucking you.
There's more silence, and outside of the zombear slowly getting closer, it's just you and this fucking person.
Then, snapping out of their funk, this weird ass motherfucker who put you in this situation to begin with, spins around in a circle, screams, "I FORBID YOU TO LIVE!", flips you off, and spits in your face before running out from the covering and diving head first into the open maw of the zombear.
A dark, lifeless energy courses through your being.
Demanding you fight the zombear.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")You bolt further on down the caves depths dodging stalagmites and stalagtites all the same, the zombear keeping pace with you all the same, until you come to a cliff, you hear the dick toothed zombear closing the distance and you begin to see the veiny, erect, dick teeth that fucking druid had to put in.
You don't know, maybe they have a strange take on necrophilia that should or shouldn't be delved into right at this particular point in time.
You hastilly make the decision to leap off the cliff, hoping beyond all hope that you don't get impaled on whatever lies beneath the dense layer of fog.
the darkness grows immensely, almost blinding you with blackness. You hear the zombear tumble down the cliff side as well, gaining speed, and you know it's only a matter of time before you have to either bite the bullet and face this thing, or continue running for your life and never really get to the bottom of this.
You hit your head on the side of a tunnel, which was more of a slide when you thought about it later on, and you slide for what seems to be a few hours, which really gave you time to think about how this could either wind up as a best seller or as the night "Brain Rape" became an actual thing, and not just a meme on Reddit.
Finally, you see a light at the end of the tunnel, and you are dead!
unfortunately, neither is that dick toothed zombear.
Both of you are shot out of the tunnel at a frightening speed, at just the right angle, and sends you high into the air above the tree tops.
From here, you can just make out the city, and a little closer, your house, your wonderful wonderful house.
That has long since burnt to the ground.
both of you keep rising for another ten thousand feet. During which, you wave hello to the zombear, and it waves back, as if it wants to talk with you about something.
Hopefully that something isn't a mouthful of dick teeth.
[[Talk to it]]
[[Ignore it.]]The zombear charges the tree again, the trunk snaps in half just as you jump to the next tree, you manage to leap at just the right moment as the falling tree flings you right at the next one. You land on the branch safely and watch with a ludicrous amount of joy as the Zombie squirrels fall to their demises.
Behind you, the the sounds of angry chittering echoes against the back of your skull as even more angry zombie squirrels decide to try and surround you, the zombear is still very much attacking the previous tree, which is a fucking relief for once. the zombie squirrels don't ever attack, and unless you do something incredible stupid, you're perfectly safe.
the zombear finishes mauling the poor tree and catches your scent yet again, ramming its form into the thicker trunk.
you notice that the moment it impacts the tree with its head, it groans with pain, as if it's killing itself trying to get to you.
(either:"[[climb higher]],"[[Climb higher.]])
(either"[[Fight the zombie squirrels.]]","[[fight the zombie squirrels.]]")You decide that you've had enough of the little bastards, with their decomposed fluffy tsails and their beady little red eyes. It's almost as if they're mocking you!
You somehow know from previous experience that these thigns, whatever the fuck they are, are drawn by the scent of blood. This gives you an idea, you bite your thumb just enough to draw blood, and fling a couple of drops at the zombear, quickly bandaging your thumb with with your shirt.
the zombie squirrels fell for it! they launch themselves en masse at the zombear, giving you time to plan your next move.
whatever the hell that is.
You notice there's a river bolting to the left, and in the distance you can see some city lights. At least you hope those're city lights.
You dive in, and luckily, it's deep enough to give you some leaway as you float away, away from the dick toothed zombear, and away from that fucking forest, you feel relieved, almost blessed.
Then you hear that cackling voice, "I FORBID YOU TO LIVE!" and feel a cold snapping darkness pull you under the water, almost crushing you. It only lasts for a second.
You wake up shivering, thinking you made it out of their, but no... you're still very much [[lost in a stupid forest.]] yOU BEgIN To climb the To the higheR parts of the trEE, hoping to get A GOOD vantaGE point froM WHEre to launch yOUR ATTACK, THE ZOMBIE sqUIRREls follow close behind, curious, but never getting any more aggressive than a tiny moaning squeak.
the zombear rears back on its rotting hind legs, bones audiably creaking under strain of support such a malformed and heavy creature. Finally, after ten minutes, you feel that your high enough when you see the tops of the tree in the forest that stretches out hundreds of miles before you in every direction. The fog does not reach up here, and only occasionally peaks above, as a whale might in the ocean.
It's beautiful, serene, ignorant of the unending parade of nightmarish horrors that await you below.
You take one last look at the sight, noting that the very tip of the usn is beginning to rise. The bright, peircing light is momentarily blinding, but it is also reinvigorating to feel the suns warmth after what feels like forever and a day underneath the tree line.
Fuck.
That's right.
you've got to do this.
Slowly, you turn yourself around, looking for the familiar rotting smell of the zombear, you've got to time this just right.
After a few seconds, you aim for the head of the dick toothed zombear, bounce on the strudy branch a few times, and leap high into the air.
You slam heels first into the back of the neck of the four tonm creature, hearing an audible cracking sound.
Well, you're in it now.
(either: "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]", "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]")Fucking hell, that river is strong, as the current pushes both you and the dick toothed zombear down the river, the zombie fish begin to get agitated by the constant crashing of the boulders into the river, you start to lose strength in your arms from treading the rapids for so very long. In your exasperation, you try swimming to the rivers edge and grabbing onto the out stretched tree branch.
you fucking succeed.
Meanwhile, the zombear doesn't and is almost smashed to death well an ill tempered boulder, slowing the beast down while you get on dry land. You stop to breathe for a few minutes, collapsing on the ground, your heart pounding in your chest.
After a while, you fall asleep, your mind trying to figure out just how the fuck it got there to begin with.
You, not your mind.
Your mind is a dirty fucking place with lots of porn tabs open at any one point in time.
Plastic bottles and rope? You sick son of a bitch!
Pineapples don't deserve that shit.
You start to wake up, and hear that the zombear is pulling itself onto dry land as well.
Now you're either fucked or double fucked, all a matter if you get the fuck up fast enough.
You do, and you start bolting, yet again, into the depths of hte foggy as fuck forest, eventually, again, you're fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] The river current is way to strong for either you or the zombear to grab on to any of the passing tree branches, not to mention the waterfall is gradually getting closer and closer. You desperately try to swim to dry land, dodging the crashing boulders left and right, and you're almost there!
Just a little further!
You stretch out your hand to try and grab a loose tree root, but your timing is fucking horrible as a boulder slams onto your arm, pinning you under the rushing current.
Lucky you!
Not.
Your freshly broken arm is wrenched this way and that, eventually the broken bone cuts its way through both muscle and skin, and you start bleeding out. The zombear pases you by, but not before taking a passing swipe at your legs and tearing a few wide gashes out of your legs.
Now the zombie fish are feeding off of your twitching, screaming, drowning form as if their stoners locked in a hotpocket factory.
Needless to say, it takes a solid four hours for them to completely devour you, and you were still alive for ten minutes of that while you drowned, occasionally fed a big blast of air by the crashing of more boulders.
One of which ends up smashing both you AND the zombie fish.
You hear a cackling voice, warbled by the water, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" As a warm light wraps up what little of you remiains.
You wake up, dry as you ever were, thinking someone has rescued you, but, nope.
Your dumb ass is still fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You dodge the sons of bitches left and right, your swimming skills no longer a concern for your bastard of a P.E. teacher, who always said that you wouldn't amount to much, and now look where you are! Being chased by zombie animals while ill tempered boulders try to smash your head in! amazing!
And where is that stupid cuck?
Dead. Bitten by somebie students.
That fuck.
You manage to dodge so many boulders that they eventually make a small dam, blocking the zombear from out right killing you, smashing a rather immpressive percentage of the zombie fish, and making the river into a rather damp creek.
Impressive!
You can either get on dry land and run like the dickens in a random direction (Always helpful) or continue down the damp creek and hope there's at least something to protect you from the dick toothed zombear.
Or you could wait for the soumbitch and fight it!
[[Run in a random direction]]
[[Continue down the creek]]
(either:"[[fight the zombear to the death.]]","[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")Like a swimming boss, you navigate the river and it's teachery with 100% accuracy, dodging the boulders left and right, the zombear is crushed beneath a few several ton boulders, causing the zombie fish to start nibbling on its rather unappealing form!
Yes!
No!
As you turn to celebrate by giving the dick toothed zombear the double finger, a tree branch covered in zombie snakes snags your neck between two out cropping trunk roots, snapping your neck and paralyzing you from the waist down.
You also start bleeding from the ears, causing the snakes to reineact every horrifying Hentai tentacle scene ever by pile dricing themselves through your clenched teeth , down your throat, and fill your stomach up past the bursting point.
They then begin to bite the iutter shit out of your insides, and devour every squishy thing inside of you from the stomach upwards.
You feel everything.
No, you don't live.
You hear a cackling voice rip forward out of the jungle, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" And you feel a warm light wrap around your twitching form as you kick the bucket.
you wake up, refreshed, on dry land! Are you out of the nightmare? Nope, still fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] Like a giant doofus you slowly punch the fish away like a cat batting at a yarn string, and you feel like an idiot, but not as much of an idiot as you should be feeling like as the zombear starts laughng it's fucking ass off at your pathetic attempts to slowly slap fight a bunch of undead fish.
You.
Fucking.
Idiot.
So, out of anger, you grab one of the fish that you've made re-dead and throw it at the zombear, nailing it straight in the head.
It stops laughing as it rightly should, because holy fuck, that was awesome.
But, instead of being amazaed at your newly discovered fish throwing skills, it just become pissed. After four minutes and thirty three seconds of flapping around the water like idiots, the two of you are chucked off the edge of the waterfall like an ex girlfriend chucking out her favorite cable box.
Why the hell would you throw a cable box out the window!?
Not the question to be thinking about as you both slam into the ground.
You, hitting a giant pile of pomeranians, the zombear, smashing through a crowd of bitching british clowns pointing at lawn gnomes.
Well, fuck. now you're gonna HAVE TO fight the zombear.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")Like an absolute boss, you start throwing hands, ignoring the physics of drastically slowed speeds thanks in part to the water rushing against you. Your fist lightly taps one of the zombie fish, causing it to explode into a bloodly little zit bubble , exciting the hundred or so OTHER zombie fish, as well as the dick toothed zombear.
The fish descend upon you like pornstars to either a bed, a couch, or where ever the fuck they decide to work.
And they are PISSED.
And in possession of really, really sharp teeth.
The zombie fish, though still getting lightly punched into bloody messes, start chomping down on your fists of stupid fury.
Then, you, like a fucking genius, decide to kick them, you time the kick wrong, and when your leg snaps forward in the wrong direction, the zombie fish go into places that are best left to the imagination.
Kidding, they violate their way into your belly button and use that as an access point to the rest of the squishy bits inside of you.
As you gradually lose the will to fight, your body becomes filled with holes, and more fish pile in.
Like a very gorey blockparty where your the house, and the city tries to fit its entire population inside of you.
you burst open like a gore balloon.
You hear a cackling voice laugh its stupid face off, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" You would be feeling a warm light pulse outwards, but your dead, so you don't.
You wake up, screaming, checking yourself to see if anythings missing. the only thing thats missing is you from your house, you're still fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You run further into the cave in a blind fucking panic, it's dark, it's dank, it's a bad place for memers to gather and share doge jokes.
It's also very fucking slippery, so slippery in fact, that you lose your footing and slide face first into a low hanging stalagmite, cracking the skin on your face wide open.
Blood begins to flow for the open wound like wine out of a bottle and it attracts the attention of the zombie bats.
these aeren't Zubats from Pokemon, FUCK NO!
these are bats that are also zombies. zombats.
They slap themselves like retarded starfish onto your skin and began taking rather large chunks out of your skin. You begin to feel woozy as you fall backwards, the back of your head resting calmly, peacefully, serenly in the lower jaws of the zombear.
guess what?
He quickly snaps his mouth shut, crushing your skull into a nice little brain orgy.
Congratulations, your brain is currently getting fucked by seventy eatgh razor sharp erect, veiny, throbbing, dick teeth.
Hey, you needed the extra protein.
You hear a cackling voice scream out, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" you feel a warm fiery light envelope your body.
You feel like you're in a space space, but, no motherfucker, no. You're just fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You spot an out cropping of stalagmites and figure they'd be the perfect thing to protect you from the zombears ever hungry presence. You run right for them, but the zombears claws tear straight through your back bone, making a giant mess of everything. The force of the blow send you flying in the air.
Only for the stalagmite to pierce you straight through the face.
the zombear munches happily on your twitching, screaming form, your world goes black from pain as your soul leaves your body.
You hear a cackling voice cry out from the cavern depths, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" and feel a warm loving light caress your body while rather large dick teeth fuck your brain.
You feel relaxed, and like you've just come home, but really?
you're just fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] The zombear chases you around the cave, past the stalagmites, and further into the depths of the place, spotting your chance of finally escaping, you jump off a nearby cliff face, not knowing the dangers that lay below, but know that you'd be away from the dangers that might've ended your life before you were ready for them to.
Unfortunately for you there are a fuckton of stalactites in your way. Predictably, there are also a shit ton of zombats that are always looking for any trace of blood in the air.
Guess what happens?
You become the proud owner of sever impalements through the chest, legs, stomach, neck, arms, and ears.
Yes, two for the price of one!
The zombats descend upon your freshly mangled corpse and start munching away, strangely enough, you're still very much alive, but very rapidly in the process of dying.
The zombear follows you over the cliff, and predictably lands right on top of you, driving those precious, precious impalements ever deeper.
Finally, after what seems like hours, you croak.
you hear a ckling voice scream obsceneties at you, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" You feel a bright warm light stab through your stupid dead face and you wake up, as your sight returns to you, you feel like you've been reborn again by the grace of god!
Nope, you're just fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] The zombear charges the tree again, the trunk snaps in half just as you jump to the next tree, but your angle is all wrong and you miss the intended branch, but you get the next available one.
Right through the back of you head, through your open screaming mouth.
you hang there, paralyzed from the jaw downwards, bleeding down the back of a nice open wound with a brain matter covered broken branch sticking way the fuck out of it.
At least the zombie squirrels are happy.
Gnawing on your face.
The last thing you see from your left eye is a pair of long, chipped, rotted, yellow fangs snapping shut on it and pulling away till your optic nerve snaps and that side goes blank.
the last thing your right eye see is a greedy paw of zombie squrrel paws pulling it out of the socket.
You could scream, but you can't.
you hear a cackling voice laugh at your misfortune, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" and as you fade out, you feel a warm tingly sensation.
Are you in heaven?
Nope, your mind's wiped and your fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You put up your dukes and start throwing punches at thel ittle undead rat bastards.
You stupid shit.
The initial fourteen were bad enough, but once you knocked the head off of the fat bloated one with the weird paw, a thousand more ccame pouring out, They swarm over you, tearing chunks of clothing, flesh, fat, organ, muscle and bone off of you.
Your legs are the first to go, they chew through that no problem, you screaming, but then an even more horrifying site attacks you.
There are baby zombie squirrels. Tiny mother fuckers that immediately and without question bolt straight down your throat tearing your insides apart from the inside. They leave your heart alone because this is a Disney movie.
No, they really do not.
You gasp for air as the swarm rips everything off of your limbs, your rib cage is completely exposed, with freaky baby zombie squirrels fucking your shit up from the inside, you lose your grip on the tree as the zombear crushes your head between its mass and the rotted tree trunk.
You hear a cackling voice curse you, "I FORBID YOU TO DIE!" and feel the warm glow of a death well done.
It feels great!
It's almost like your once again, fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You climb higher, the zombie squirrels minding their own business but following close behind you.
After all, the food chain doesn't stop just because you're a zombie.
nope, that motherfucker just keeps on going. You're almost at the point where you know it's a pretty good chance of taking the zombear out should you paim it right.
You are wrong as the zombear crashes into the tree again, snapping the trunk in half and send the tree flying towards the ground, almost immediately, the zombie squirrels start biting your ankles, you lose your grip, get flung off the tree, and break your back on the nearby tree at a weird angle. The angle being, when your head slams into the trunks, face getting sheared off, and the zombear gnaws on you for a few hours.
A cackling voice curses you, "I forbid you to die!"
A warm light covers your body, it feels like you'll be okay, but in reality, you're just fucking [[lost in a stupid forest.]] You roll backwards, the zombear screaming in pain.
you notice a sharp pain in both your knees and look to see one of the clutches of zombie squirrels has decided against all ods to try and burrow into your legs. You can feel them gnawing away at your muscles, so you know for a fact you don't have much time. You look for something, anything to use as a make shift weapon, but the only things you spot are a few thin broken branches that might as well be used for slapping the zombear instead of actually doing any kind of damage to it. though, you suppose, they could be bound together and used as a sharp, stabby thing. Though it would probably break within the first few attacks.
[[Make the sharp stabby thing.]]
[[Punch the zombear to death.]]You ran in a random direction, congratulations! You're now face to dick tooth filled mouth with the zombear.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")You make the wise decisions to run down the river turned creek for a while before tripping over a random twig, and yes, you're that uncoordinated.
What?
don't look at the screen like that, you're the idiot that's lost i nthe his place, not me.
i'm just the voice in your head.
I'm Morgan Freeman.
And yes, this is a narrating job.
Of death.
FOCUS.
You're running down the creek, trees passing by at the speed of a person running down a creek, which is what? one, two miles an hour? Maybe three if you're wearng a speed suit, but you aren't, so it's like a light jog.
Meanwhile, the zombear has managed to climb over the mounting pile of boulders, and is running at a brisk ten miles an hour.
So you're either out of shape, or you decided that light jogging was a great idea right now with your brain in danger of literally getting dick toothed to death.
You hear a screaming voice, "I FORBID YOU TO LIVE!" And feel a dark, lifeless energy course through your veins, and instantly, you now know how keith richards feels when going in for a fresh blood transfer.
I'm Morgan Freeman, and no, I don't know the proper terminology.
But I do know the word, 'Terminology'.
You feel yourself being forced to turn around, and not by the power of Bill Cosby, but by something even darker and more sinister than America's favorite Jello slinging, sweater wearing father of the centure turned serial rapist, the Druid itself.
"FIGHT THE FUCKING THING ALREADY! YOUR DEATH IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO GET OFF!"
three words cross your mind as you get into a battle stance, which a cross between downward dog and preparing a ham sandwich with turkey instead.
"What. The. Fuck."
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")You grab the sharp stabby thing and with one swing, you miss the utter fuck out of the zombear.
It's standing there, right in front of you, three feet away, and you have the accuracy of a schizophrenic bat making a collect screech home.
you miserable ass hat.
The zombear takes the moment of utter psychological defeat, picks you up by the neck, and slams your immediately broken form against a pile of slightly siftish rocks.
At least they're slightly siftish rocks. Like throw pillows soaked in water, left int he freezer overnight and then almosti mmediately used in the worlds deadliestp illow fight.
You find yourself filled with a warm light, and a scratcy voice forbidding you to die. But you don't wake up in the forest again, instead, you stand back up, and with the fury of a really pissed off teenager not getting the exact color Iphone he wanted, stab the zombear straight in its fucking mouth, the sharp stabby thing rips right out of its stupid zombear head and showers everything within five miles in blood, bone, gorey bits, and small flash drives containing the rejected ideas for porn that were too horrifying to even submit. Oneo f them is labled, "Penguin Necrophelia Laser Tag" Which is enough to make you smash the small device and whatever eldritch horror lay within.
Unfortunately, the zombear survives, because the sharp stabby thing only went into his brain slightly, instead of all the way. you spot another flash drive labled, "Clown Car anal beads." And your mind immediately switched into panic mode.
[[Use the flash drive]]
[[Beat the utter fuck out the zombear. With your fists.]] You decide to ignore the stick and use your fists to punch the stupid thing to death.
You hear a cackling voice rupture inside my mind, "Good... this is your purpose! Fight the zombear, then fight me!" You have know idea who it is that's talking to you, or why they seem so hell bent on keeping you from escaping. Just how long have you been here?
The zombear launches itself at you, and you at it. It swings high, you duck and land a few blows to its exposed and rotting joints. You figure that would be a good as any weak point. the zombear only regards you for a single second before slamming its knee into your stomach, sending you flying backwards a good twenty feet.
that sharp stabby thing idea is starting to sound REALLY good right now.
Especially since it's decided to steal that idea away form you and use the sharp stabby hting as a weapon for it's own devices.
You throw yourself back at the zombear and throw a few punches, well aimed ones, like REALLY well aimed ones. They land pretty much how you'd expect, and all at once, you've broken off a few of the zombears dick teeth.
you sick fucker.
The dick teeth go flying to your left.
But that undead mother fucker is right in front of you, realizing that a few dick teeth missing a sure sign that his ass is about to get kicked.
[[make a dick tooth sword.]]
[[Beat the utter fuck out the zombear. With your fists.]]as you both plunge what might be your inevitable deaths, the zombear waves at you in a rather violent, flailing manner. you wave back, but find the motion rather useless as you remember that this undead son of a bitch is trying to brain fuck you to death.
Although you highly doubt the Druid would even let youp ass on complete.
"HRAAAAAIGGGHG!" The zombear screams at you, and you get pissed enough from a lack of actually hitting it in the dick teeth that you proceed to hit it in the dick teeth.
It flings itself back in horror of being punch in so many dicks all at the same time, that it flies into the stream of the waterfall and is rocketed into the shallow waters below, and seeing as you, yourself are about to die, you imagine the worst as you continue falling to your appreant doom, dashed upon the many rocks that are curently greedily awaiting showering in the many different kinds of entrails you possess.
Instead, you bounce harmlessly headfirst onto the somewha fluffy belly of the zombear and land to the side, harmlessly splashingi n the water. It takes you a few minutes, but after you get your bearings, you realize you have no other alternative.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]]")Like a complete and utter dick, you ignore the somewhat violent waves of the zombear, almost content to splash down into the waters below and wonder what you need to do next. The really is no right way to do this, so you do the only thing you can.
You Shit yourself and throw the proceeding mess at the motherfucker, giving it the double bird as you both splash down into the waters. notably, that was less ignoring, and more antagonizing the shit into it.
Because you threw poop into its mouth.
(either: "[[fight the zombear to the death.]]", "[[Fight the zombear to the death]] ")In a moment of either horrifying brilliance or terrifying knowledge of surgical sewing, you dash to the right, and with a slightly needle shaped rock, the length and size of which is neither a needed detail nor very important, let's just say it's a very big needle that should be nowhere near anyone's junk, no matter if they're alive or dead, you stitch together a slightly floppy dick tooth sword, measuring about seven feet in length, by a foot wide, and six inches in girth. Which, is just the damn things flacid state. The unfortunate thing is that the grip and pommel are also made from dick teeth. So either way you look at it, you're defenately giving this thing a happy ending.
After a few seconds, it grows thicker, longer, and undead veinier. Which is just diturbing by all accounts.
You do the only thing you can, you perform the ultimately devastating attack, the Falkame Hamehad Okunch.
The results are amazing, a rainbow of pain is inflicted upon the zombear, lights, lasers, explosions, a show of force so mighty, Michael Bay would by far and large be shamed into only using Chinese Firecracker Strings as special effects for his next Shia Labough movie, in which is the actors greatest feat of skill, screaming the word 'No' for three hours straight while things just explode around him.
Truly a genius.
the culmination of the Falkame Hamehad Okunch is a straught up giant robot forming from seven grumpy old men bitching about kids on the grass and shitting a giant satalite beam straight through the zombears fucking body.
At least, that's how you imagine things, instead, you fall to the floor, dick tooth poison corrupting your blood, eating away at your various organs, while the zombear forces its dick teeth into your skull without your brains permission.
you feel the warm light course through your body again, the screams of the druid, and again, you feel as through life is worth living.
[[Beat the utter fuck out the zombear. With your fists.]] All the paths have led to this singular moment, the moment you finally face your fears, the trials, the ribulations, the absolute batshit incest that you believe with all your heart that went into creating this fucking creature with the dick teeth.
you stand over the zombear, an anger in your eyes, somehow, you view the world as being a much darker place than you first did, the innocence lost, the joy in the world no longer there.
It's just you.
The Druid.
The zombear, and nothing in the world seems to matter.
not the zombie squirrels.
not the zombie fish.
Not the zombie bats.
Nothing.
The world you've stumbled into is a testament to the fucked up nature of mankinds ambitions to play godin ways that ought not to be messed with.
Teeth are meant to be made of bones.
Not potential and offputting boners.
This is known fact, a set in stone law of theu niverse that whatever god you currently believe in set that shit in stone.
And now, there lay in front of you such a creature that defies all manner of logic. A creature that can only eat its food only when it is aroused, only when it is horny, and by thel ooks of those tteths, those disasters of pearly whites that have the potential to give more than justp earl necklaces to man and nature alike, it is time for you to become it's destroyer.
It's Grim Reaper.
It's end.
It has no more reason for its own continued existence than a frog, or a bat, or a particularly colorful set of balloons.
There is no way, no other path.
You are the destroyer of dick toothed zombears, and this was your mission all along.
You are not just some random person snatched up by a crazed, perveted, constantly masterbaiting druid, lost upon the thick fog of this forest, besieged by all manner of universal logic breaking creatures!
No, your time is now, and you gather into yourself the faintest idea of what a perfect hotpocket should taste like.
It should taste like victory, not shame, nor blistered flesh that droops form your mouth the way a dogs tongue should droop to lap up water.
You swiftly and justly set to work.
Annihilating the creature before you with such deafening blows that partso f its being just explode into glittery lights.
Is it part fairy?
Does it really fucking matter anyways?
Four days later, you snap its neck, ending the creaturesl ife.
You feel proud, you feel amazing.
you feel like you've just been shot through the heart by a harpoon gun.
You look down, and indeed you have.
"twas beauty that killed the beast." You mutter out of your last few breaths, the blood flowing freely from the wound.
Precious moments of life, gone, wasted away, memories of friends and family and loved ones that no longer are there to greet you flash by. you...
You are alone.
Lost to the ethers and the eternal balance of life and death.
[[lost in a stupid forest.]] Dear fucking god, what have you done?
You just rammed the flash drive labeled "Clown Car anal Beads" straight into the zombears head, and immediately noticed the ferocity of the undead creature instantly melt into an abstract display of every version of horror imagineable. And then you grab another, and another, and another, each one with darker, more sinister, human decency defying acts of such utter cruelty, that it begs to question the very fabric of life itself. You end up cramming forty five of the dark sons of bitches into the zombears brain, the information over load sends the thing into a state of shock, like you've corrupted whatever corruption had first corrupted it. The poor creature at this point begins smashing its face into a near by broken tree trunk, hoping to end whatever hatered you've dealt it this day.
The druid looks on in a state of shock, it can't believe the deepness of the evil your laid upon its creation. The druid begins weeping, as a father would do to mourn a lost child, as a mother would do to mourn the loss of her baby, as an edgey Emo kid would do to bitch about the loss of his razor blade collection.
There is only one option here, and one option alone. You've been running from this fucking thing for long enough!
[[Beat the utter fuck out the zombear. With your fists.]]