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You are sitting there one day. Just sitting. On your bed pressed up against the coner of your wall.
Knees up against your chest.
Heart racing.
Breaths fast.
Tears down your face.
but your realize you've been here [[before.|flashback 1]]Heart racing.
Breaths fast.
Tears down your face.
You're 17 and laying in your bed. It's your senior year in highschool but things seen more difficult than ever before.
Night after night you stay up past 1 am worried about what will happen after graduation. Stuck in a decision between two school, the one you should attend, and the one you want to attend.
You don't bother to tell you parents, because all highschool students have this much stress. [[Right?|Intro2]] You are sitting there one day. Just sitting. On your bed pressed up against the coner of your wall.
Knees up against your chest.
Heart racing.
Breaths fast.
Sick to your stomach.
but your realize you've been here [[before.|flashback 2]]Heart racing.
Breaths fast.
Sick to your stomach.
You're 6 and it's just before your dance recital. You're sitting in the car telling your mom you can't perform because of your stomach.
She says it's just nerves. You tell yourself it's just nerves.
You know now it wasn't just [[nerves.|untitled]] Everything got worse in college. Four years in and you realize each semester has been worse than the last.
But you have to finish. Not for your sake, but for mom and dad, for your supportive family, as a rolemodel for your brother.
Each day you wake up and think that this is the last of the shit that you can handle. But somehow quiting seems harder than just [[pushing through.|school1]] Wake up
Work
School
Homework
[[Sleep|School2]]Wake up
Work
School
Homework
[[Sleep|school3]]Wake up
<p style="color:Gray;">same thing</p>
Work
<p style="color:Gray;">everyday</p>
School
<p style="color:Gray;">will it</p>
Sleep
<p style="color:Gray;">[[end?|Wakeup]]</p>Wake up
Every morning you sit in bed and drink coffee for an hour then eat the same thing for breakfast. Any less time and things get stressful. Anything other than your normal breakfast and things get stressful.
<p style="color:Gray;">will i be late?
to work?
to class?
will my tire be flat?
what if it starts to rain?
what do i wear?
will I have enough time?</p>
[[Work]]
Work
You leave early everyday even though after a year on the job you have never hit traffic. But being 5 minutes early is better than 5 minutes late.
phone calls
emails
friendly greatings
simple enough.
Some days its easier to be happy for strangers. But other days its one of the hardest things you've ever done. Forced smile, forced friendliness, forced laughter.
<p style="color:Gray;"> what's the point of this job?
no one answers my calls?
or my emails?
do i have an assignment due later?
will i make it to class on time?
am i forgetting something?</p>
[[School]]School
You leave early everyday. You give yourself 20 minutes to make a 10 minute drive. Just in case anything happens. Impaitently wait for the lights to change, speed down the road, it only takes you 8 minutes.
You've memorized room number and building names of each class long before the start of the semester. You know where to go but still check your notes, just in case.
<p style="color:Gray;">did i do the assignment right?
was there a reading for today?
what if someone is in my seat?
will the person next to me want to talk?
should i talk to them?
more assignments due, dont forget.</p>
[[Homework]]Homework
You pull out your planner with everthing in it. So much seems to be due today. You start the assignments, the readings, the essays. Don't all these instructors know you have other classes too? You scrible out a plan to get everything finished, looks like it will be a long night. Again.
<p style="color:Gray;">how will i finsih everything?
what is most important?
why didn't i start sooner?
can i finish all this?
will it be done well?
shouldn't i just quit?</p>
[[Sleep]]Sleep
the only escape.
<p style="color:Gray;">shouldn't i be studying?</p>
[[but sleep is better|new]]Every morning comes with its own set of challenges.
<p style="color:Gray;">.Mental checklist of all assignments
.Mental rundown of day
.Mental breakdown of timing of all events</p>
Breakfast
<p style="color:Gray;">.Written checklist of all assignments
.Written rundown of day
.Written breakdown of timing of all events</p>
Even though you keep to such an exact routine, you still think about [[every detail|crowds]] of your day. You used to get invited to go out with friends. But that was years ago. You used to always turn them down, so they stopped asking.
What they didn't know is that crowds of people scare you. You don't know why so how could you ever explain that to them. You were scared so they stopped asking.
Now you're afraid they've forgotten you. Frustrated at yourself for hating crowds. Mad at yourself for pushing away another good friend.
You just want to take a drive with a close friend. Not everything [[happens at a house party.|perfection]] All your projects and assignments remain in a half finished state.
You want -need- them to be perfect. Anything less feels like cheating. So they are never finished. A work in progress is never perfect. And that feels better than finished and subpar.
But is it?
no
The amount of time it would take to finish just one project is more than you will ever have to devote. It can't ever be finished.
They day before it's due you crank out a half-assed attempt to finish with full knowledge this is far from your best work.
You think about that [[for months|sleep]]One night you lay in bed until 3 am. You ponder lifes greatest questions. Like why you didn't put more effort into you work. Why he stopped calling you. What you should have texted your friend but never did. Something you said this morning to a stranger. The look you gave a passerby on the street.
It's 3 am and you finally have exhausted your mind to match you body. Just in time for a few hours of sleep. The next day is hell from lack of sleep. Even with 3 cups of coffee, nothing is better.
Next week you go to bed at 10 pm and snooze your alarm 3 times. You still drink 3 cups of coffee a day and tell yourself that your body is just catching up on sleep. The human body needs 8 hours of sleep, so 9.5 is even better right?
You rationalize this pattern. [[Everyone does this...|attack]]It's happened in your car.
It's happened walking to class.
It's happened before bed.
It's happened after you wake up.
Your mind gets loud and your heart races. You're breathing so fast that your eyes begin to blur. Sometimes it feels like your hands and feet are on fire and need to move now. You wiggle your toes and move your fingers as much as they can. Other times you're frozen. Unable to move other than the crying that shakes your whole body.
30 minutes feels like a minute and an hour at the same time. But your whole body is exhausted. [[There's nothing you can do|newday]]What happened? What happened for you to one day say enough.
You decide it's finally all [[too much.|therapy]]Your first step: asking for help.
Reluctantly you seek out the aid of a counselor in town. She's quiet and nice and has a look in her eyes that tells you everything will be alright.
Together you talk about your work load, what worries you most, and how those are affecting you.
You leave each session wondering how any of this will help.
You know it has to be helping, so you keep going for a while.
Then one day you stop. You tell yourself it's not working, so why keep trying?
[[Why?|change]]Months pass and you're still struggling. Weekly problems become daily and it's making it harder to get by.
Waking up becomes harder. Going to class and work becomes harder. Nothing was fun anymore.
[[Someone started to notice.|meds]]
Your close friend begins to notice your lackluster. He encourages you to talk with someone.
It takes a few day but he finaly convinces you to talk with a physician about meds.
He tells you that mental illness isn't something that's wrong with you, but with the chemestry in your brain. It doesn't make sense, but he keeps bothering you, so you finally go.
After you start taking it, you realize that they have had an effect.
You still worry, about a lot, but you've reached a physical calm.
[[That's a step in the right direction.|Breathing]] It's been a few months of taking the meds.
Things feel like they are getting better. And you decide to revist the notes from your counselor.
1. Mindful Breathing. Slow, deep breaths from your diaphragm, not your chest.
2. Short Rationalizations. Because your're probably making a mountain out of a mole hill.
3. Detailed Plans. Make a structured plan for your day with attainable goals.
4. Trust Others. Your friends will be there for you, they will be willing to help.
[[Can things really be looking up?|affirm]]You realize one day that this could have happened sooner if someone had been there for you. So you decide that you will be that someone for your friends.
Subtle reminders that you are always there for them. Constant reminders that they are smart and able. You tell everyone you are proud of them.
Even if they aren't struggling, who doesn't need to hear that someone is proud of them?
You also stop being so closed off about your life. Someone askes how you are? You say stressed and worried about a project, you say your meds are making you a bit nauseous at the moment. You no longer hide, because if you can be open about it, maybe that will [[be the help]] that someone else needs. Today, you can look back and see just how far you have come in this process. You aren't perfect, but its coming along.
As your counselor once said:
You won't ever be cured, but you need to learn how to live life with [[anxiety.]]The End.