Sugarcane

Looking at each other for what may be the last time, neither Dan, Tim, or Coleman took it at all seriously before entering their respective doors.\n\nWhich character would you like to swap to?\n\n[[- It's Double Doctor Dan Time!]]\n\n[[- All aboard the Cole(man) train, baby!]]\n\n[[- Adventure Tim, come on, grab your frin.]]

As Dan approaches the copy of Destiny 2, he figures out what's wrong with the vision.\n\n"This isn't the same content as I've been playing" he ponders, aloud.\n"That's because it isn't!" Beamed a voice in the darkness. \n\nSuddenly, and without warning, a man with an incredibly wide and toothy smile approaches, wearing a shirt and jeans in a vain attempt to adopt a smart/casual clothing attire. That's when you notice the lanyard around his neck.\n\nOh bugger, it's a PR representative, and they're going to talk to you! There's no escape! Or is there?\n\n[[- Attempt to escape.]]\n\n[[- Listen to what he has to say]], there's no way PR can ever be used for malicious purposes.

You've dealt with plenty of NDAs before, them being the bread and butter of how PR and journalists work together in order to help bring great game coverage around the world. However, this guy doesn't seem like he can be trusted.\n\nAfter all, he is only a Junior PR. \n\nAs you take care to look over the terms and conditions, he begins to sweat profusely and grab at his collar. You wonder why, until you see the fine print.\n\n"By signing this, you recognise there is no good DLC for Destiny 2, there never will be, and I get to give you a great whallop before we start our fight proper, as mandated by the Ouya."\n\nYou decide that maybe it's not the best idea to sign this after all, but what will you do next?\n\n- [[You have no choice, you must battle]].\n\nBut... \n\n[[- You have the drop on him, you could pre-empt him with a surprise attack of your own.]]

That's it! As you tap the button, David Cage struggles less and less, unable to combat your button-tapping prowess! He's powerless to stop you! \n\nHe slowly fades into unconsciousness, allowing you to let go and leave him slumped on the floor.\n\n[[You defeated David Cage!]]

Thanks, I agree. \n\nRight, any questions?\n\n[[- I have a question!]] \n\n[[- I don't have a question!]]

"Enough. I wish to tell you your fate now."\n"Oh god, is it going to be something horrible like making the podcast infinitely, or worse, being nice to Bleezy for a whole day?"\n"No, I would not dare as to be so sadistic."\n"Oh thank god, I really hate him." Dan sighed in relief.\n"SO much" Coleman agreed.\n\n"Instead, I have done something much more fitting to the situation. As you can see, there are now three doors in front of you."\nThere were.\n"Over the years of spying on you-"\n"You mean being used as a doorstop."\n"...Yes. Over the years of being used to hold a door open, I listened to you make your podcasts. I watched you play your games. I know all of your weaknesses and foibles. As such, I would like to play a game."\n"Is it in VR?" Asked Tim, who by now had broken out into a cold sweat from his inability to discuss VR for at least 15 minutes.\n"Tim, we're in virtual reality now" Coleman added, helpfully.\n"Each of you must go through the door with your name on it, where I have concocted a challenge that is perfectly suited towards you, and only you. Once inside, you must overcome, and - please stop giggling, Coleman. If you pass the trials, you will then have to band together to take on a monster I have created especially for you. Should you defeat it, I will let you go free."\n"That basically sounds perfectly well summarised" Tim complimented. \n\nAnd it was true, because it was. \n\n"Thank you".\n\nHowever, there are additional things to keep in mind before you embark on this adventure. \n\nWould you like to hear them in this handy tutorial?\n\n[[Please sir, may I have some more tutorial?]]\n\n[[No tutorial for me, thanks, I'm full!]]

No you don't, stop delaying this. I can't keep making these branches for you to abuse like this. Let me live.\n\n[[Fine, let's do the sodding adventure then.]]

You press and hold two shoulder buttons and a face button, allowing you to perfectly imitate the movements needed to grab and hold onto David Cage. \n\nIt worked! He's powerless to attack you further!\n\n[[- Make a circling motion with the right analogue stick.]]\n[[- Don't make a circling motion with the right analogue stick.]]

You leave the confines of the squared circle and walk around the outside of the ring, pretending that you couldn't care less about having a wrestling match. This drives the crowd into a frenzy, and to placate them, Bithell leaves the ring, and the referee begins the count anew. Bithell comes towards you, which is when you deftly step aside and irish whip him into the steel stairs!\n\nWoah, those things weigh like 200 pounds! And it worked! He's been hurt, and is struggling to get back up.\n\n[[- Get a weapon.]]\n[[- Beat him down while he's on the floor.]]

"You know David", you begin, "I basically feel that, basically, the opening sequence to Farenheit is one of the most compelling pieces of gameplay ever, and is one of the best examples of your ethos and a compelling argument for how stories can be told in games."\n\nHe pauses and looks at you. "Thank you". \n\n"Shame about the rest of it though. What a piece of codswallop. I mean, computers and the illuminati? Get serious, you stupid French twazzock. The stealth scenes were absolute nonsense. Oh, and the bit where you shag a corpse is absolutely creepy, you intolerable French pervert."\n\nHis smile dissipates. "That is because I was not able to put enough polygons into the game. If there were more polygons, you would have enjoyed the game more."\n\nHe turns back to his polygons, rubbing them over himself more fiercely, as if trying to meld with them in the hope they'll make him more compelling. \n\nPerhaps he knows that's not how you really feel, seeing as you for some reason love his games. \n\n[[- Tell him that Heavy Rain was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the Navajo chapter in Beyond Two Souls was completely pointless. And also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that Detroit: Become Human is a poor facsimile of apartheid and racism, and that he's a hack fraud who only did a story about robots because he is himself, a wonky android. And also it's a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]

"Dammit Tim, you can’t help but be on-brand even in a fantasy world, can you?" Dan lamented.\n\n"No I can not" Tim confirmed.\n\nToast the Ouya complied, turning into a big red barrel, not unlike the one adorning the logo of the great website Big Red Barrel dot com, available on all fine interwebs services, but none of the bad ones.\n\n"Are you pleased by this form?"\n\n"Yup, it's great" Tim smiled.\n\n"I have a question!" Dan shouted, raising his arm like a small schoolboy.\n\n"What is it?" Toast asked.\n\n"Do you explode if we shoot you?"\n\n"No."\n\n"Dammit." Coleman muttered.\n\n"If you are going to attempt to use this opportunity to kill me, then I will revert back to my original form" Toast moans, doing so.\n\nTim sighed a little in disappointment. \n\n"[[Enough.]]"

With what very small window of opportunity you're given, you make your way over to one of the turnbuckles, take off the cover, and expose the steel beneath.\n\nThe referee is incensed! He yells at you, grabs the covering out of your hands, and tries to tie it back onto the turnbuckle so that it's safe to use again.\n\nTaking advantage of the momentary distraction, you kick Bithell right in his Quarantine Circular (available now on Steam), causing him to double over, putting him in prime position for your finisher!\n\nThat's right, your blessed final move, perfect for scenarios such as this! And it is, as you unleash it in a manner that is almost as devastating as I am handsome, knocking Bithellmania out cold, and allowing him to be pinned for the 1-2-3.\n\nYou win!\n\nBefore you have too long to revel in the boos of the crowd who did not appreciate that finish, they disappear, leaving a door that you can go through to reach the final confrontation.\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

You know what, you've tried at least one tactic, and nothing so far has worked. It's time to try a different tact.\n\nSuddenly, a voice in your head calls out to you. It's Tim, and you're not sure why.\n\n"Oh God, I've only gone and internalised him, haven't I?"\n\n"Basically."\n\n"I think I'd rather lose this challenge to be honest."\n\n"Oh, don't be like that. Check the Doctorates in your inventory. One will lead to victory, the other will lead to your doom..."\n\n"Why are you being so bloody cryptic?"\n\n"Because I don't know which one is which..." Tim explains as you manage to tune him out.\n\nYou didn't realise you had an inventory until now, but you check it, discovering that you have a large quantity of pocket lint, and two doctorates, which have turned into scrolls, just to make the whole thing more fantasy-like. \n\nYou have activated your special power of Doctor, Doctor!\n\nBut which scroll will lead you to victory?\n\n[[- The Prescription Scroll - provide him with a prescription for some much-needed medicine.]]\n\n[[- The Diagnosis Scroll - Diagnose him with something nasty so that this pipsqueak will get out of your hair.]]\n

Ew, gross.\n\nBut, desperate times call for desperate heel tactics, so you muster up all of your courage - what you call your spit - and hock a loogie right in the face of the man who created beloved Indie darling Thomas Was Alone. \n\nSomehow, he doesn't appreciate that, and kicks you so hard in the bollocks that you genuinely hope that it doesn't affect your ability to procreate once you get out of the simulation.\n\nYou probably won't anyway, due to the radiation. Forgot to mention that one, sorry.\n\nHowever, his attack on your balls causes him to get disqualified, so you know, you win.\n\nWell, do yourself and google Phyrric Victory, cos this is basically that.\n\nR.I.P. Your balls.\n\nColeman can proceed to the final confrontation, if not much else.\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

As Bithell charges right towards you, you can only think of one viable solution.\n\nChanneling your sensei, Paul Smackage, you roll your opponent up into what is widely known in wrestling circles as a small package, twisting him up into such a position that he isn't able to escape the pin before the referee counts to three.\n\nIt worked! The bell rings! Bithell is incensed! He goes to grab you, but before he does, he disappears, along with the ring, the audience, and the referee. \n\nAll you hear is a whisper on the wind.\n\n"Please buy Subsurface Circular and Quarantine Circular on Steam. They're really very good, you know."\n\nAnd he was right, because they are.\n\nColeman is now able to progress to the final battle! Huzzah!\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]\n

You continue walking up towards him, but the man is suddenly started by the sound of you coming closer and turns to you with a confused expression on his face, as if he's slowly trying to process what is happening. \n"Hi there," you proffer, "who are you?"\nIn a booming french voice he responds "Monsieur, do you not know who I am? I am David Cage!" \n\nAs he makes his bold declaration, everything suddenly starts to make sense. David Cage, of course! That explains why the room is slightly wonky, as if someone has tried too hard to make a reasonable facsimile. It also explains he's naked right now, and rubbing Polygons all over himself. \n\n"David Cage! I'm a big fan of your games for some reason!" Tim declares. \n\nDavid doesn't respond, only continuing to rub the polygons all over his flesh and make sensual moaning sounds. \n\nYou'll need to get his attention somehow. \n\n[[- Tell him that Heavy Rain was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the Navajo chapter in Beyond Two Souls was completely pointless. And also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the opening sequence to Farenheit is the only good thing he's ever done, but also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]]\n[[- Tell him that Detroit: Become Human is a poor facsimile of apartheid and racism, and that he's a hack fraud who only did a story about robots because he is himself, a wonky android. And also it's a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]\n\n

As Dan enters the final room, he looks around for his compatriots, but can find none.\n\n"Bloody typical, I guess I'm the only one who made it."\n\nThe silence was deafening. What happened next, however, made Dan wish his vision was the thing impaired, instead.\n\nWhat was to be seen, however, was incredibly bewildering.\n\nIt was horrible.\n\nIt was massive.\n\nIt was one of the truest manifestations of BRBUK there ever was, ever would be, and indeed, ever could be. \n\nA humongous, sentient fridge, commemorating Black Ops III, stocked with your favourite energy drink.\n\nChun Li's bresticles in energy drink form. Like racism and sexism condensed into one horrible word. \n\nThat's right.\n\n[[Dan must face the Juggernog, alone.]]

Ah, ah last, the final challenge.\n\nBoy, it's been a fun journey so far, right?\n\nSo, at this point, there are multiple ways this can play out, so please be honest and play through the scenario that matches your progress so far.\n\n[[- Coleman and Dan escaped their rooms.]]\n\n[[- Only Dan escaped his room.]]\n\n[[- Only Coleman escaped his room.]]\n\n[[- Nobody escaped their rooms.]]

\n- They land in what the Ouya calls the Barrellands [DONE]\n\n- The three are all sent off to face their biggest fears, and those that win are allowed to face off against the final foe. [DONE]\n\nDan faces an Activision PR Rep. [May have to rewrite]\n\nColeman faces Jon Brady, then Bithellmania.\n\nTim faces David Cage and has to have a QTE fight sequence with him. [DONE]\n\nWhoever survives must face off against their greatest foe, and the manifestation of everything that is, ever was, and ever will be the BRB UK Podcast... The Juggernog. [Three battles depending on who is remaining]\n\n \n\nREMEMBER TO TAKE TIM'S PATH OUT OF THE INITIAL SELECTION, HIS MUST BE LAST.\n\nThen the ending and finale. [ONE ENDING WRITTEN]

Toast the Ouya complies and changes form into Ghost, from the popular Destiny series of videogames that everyone likes and nobody has any issues with at all.\n\nAs Toast talks, it sounds a lot more like how you’d imagine Peter Dinklage to sound, if you could remember what he sounded like before they removed him from the game.\n\n"Is this more pleasing to you?"\n\n"Oh god, yes" confirms Dan, before turning to the rest of the squad. "I may be gone for some time"\n\nAs Dan begins to storm off in search of adventure, he is stopped by what would be a harsh tone, were it not delivered by the sultry tones of what you think you remember Peter Dinklage sounded like when he voiced Ghost. \n\n"[[Enough.]]" sultryboomed Toast, before turning back into an Ouya.

Perfectly mimicking the 1:1 movements of the right analogue stick, you slowly choke the consciousness out of David Cage.\n\nHe's fighting back, but you've almost got this! It's almost over!\n\n[[- Tap a button really fast.]]\n\n[[- Don't tap a button really fast.]]

Right, there's nothing for it. You're not going to get the upper hand right now, but what you are going to get is absolutely the heck out of this ring. You scurry out of the ring as fast as your wrestling legs will carry you, and try to hide in a corner. However, Bithell follows after you, and is now standing tall above you, about to unleash fury.\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[- Run between his legs and back into the ring.]]\n[[- You gotta take a stand, it don't hurt to hide.]]

You try to go in for a lock-up, but Bithellmania immediately gets one over on you, flipping you through the air like some kind of pancake or a slippery pizza. You land face-first on the mat, before slowly pulling yourself back up.\n\nThat maybe wasn't the best idea.\n[[- Leave the ring and try to run away]]\n[[- Leave the ring and try to encourage him to fight you outside the ring]]

You dodge in time! Quick, you need to press up!\n\n[[- Press Up in time.]]\n[[- Don't press Up in time.]]

Somehow believing you're more likely to win this battle inside the ring, you point behind Bithell and shout.\n\n"Look over there, someone's disparaging storytelling in videogames!"\n\n"WHAT?!"\n\nHe turns to look, but finds nobody on their phones leaving a mean review about his games, thankfully. But, you've distracted him literally long enough to dive under his legs and run back into the ring. \n\nLike when Coleman does it to me every single time we play 2K18, when Bithell attempts to climb back into the ring, he's met by a flurry of blows and wrestling moves that make it nearly impossible for him to get any momentum on you.\n\nYou've got him on the ropes, sort of, almost! Quick, what do you do?\n\n[[- Expose the turnbuckle!]]\n\n[[- Channel Paul Smackage, pioneer of the Small Package, and roll up Bithell for a cheeky win.]]

You initially get a great start and easily gain the upper hand on him. \n\nIn fact, some would say, possibly too easy. You're doing clotheslines, elbow drops, and even manage to do a great spot where you lock in a submission move and Bithell barely manages to get to the ropes to break it up. \n\nAs you get ready to finish the job, it all starts going wrong. As you go to hit him, he doesn't fall, but in fact, starts hulking up! He starts shaking violently, before pointing ferociously at you. \n\nOh crap! Bithellmania's about to run wild, brother!\n\n[[- Leave the ring and try to take the fight outside.]]\n[[- Try to reverse his moves and go for your finisher!]]

Although you contemplate hitting him with the chair, you're not sure if the match has a no disqualification stipulation, and you don't want to run afoul of one if there is. \n\nSo, you do the next most heelish thing possible - you throw the chair into the ring in order to distract the referee, and clobber Bithellmania with a low blow while the referee clears the chair from the ring. \n\nThe announcers are going wild! The crowd is booing the heck out of you! But the referee didn't see it! He turns back and resumes the count. What do you do?\n\n[[- Continue the beatdown with your patented finishing move.]]\n[[- Quickly scamper back into the ring.]]

Maybe it's because the buttons don't actually sync logically, or maybe it's because nobody in life ever performed a task by pressing and holding onto three different things at once, but you're somehow completely incapable of performing this incredibly difficult and tricky task. \n\nAs such, when you go to grab David Cage, you're only able to half-grab his shoulder, twisting him towards you and causing him to stumble, giving you an ample opportunity to swing him into a headlock.\n\n[[- Make a circling motion with the right analogue stick.]]\n[[- Don't make a circling motion with the right analogue stick.]]

“This is just Tron.” Tim interjected, slowly losing his patience. \n\n\n“Well! I’m not changing it!” The Ouya cries, as if its feelings were well and truly hurt.\n\n\n“I’ve never even seen Tron, so this is all lost on me” Coleman admitted. \n\n\n“Great, I’m stuck in a virtual environment with a sodding millennial” pouted Dan. \n\n\n“I’ve seen Tron Legacy, does that count?”\n\n\n“No it does NOT bloody count!” \n\n\n“Do we at least get to wear the costumes?”\n\n\n“Shut up Tim, don’t give the thing any ideas, or yourself spandex.”\n\n\n“WELL THEN I GUESS WE WON’T HAVE ANY FUN” shouted the Ouya, quickly cancelling the process of turning itself into a horrible CGI Kurt Russell. \n\n\n“I guess we won’t.” Confirmed Tim, secretly hoping there was still a way to get a Tron costume as loot. \n\n\n“If we’re in a simulated environment, can you change your form?” Asked Coleman. “It’s a bit weird talking to a console that was considered a projectile until about 15 minutes ago.”\n\n\n“I guess so. What form would you like me to take?”\n\n\nWhat form would you like it to take?\n\n[[- A big red barrel.]]\n\n[[- A piece of toast.]]\n\n[[- IT’S PICKLE RICK, WUBALUBADUBDUB!!!]]\n\n[[- Ghost from Destiny.]]

You look around the room for a way to beat a hasty retreat. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a way to leave. \n\nCompounding this issue is that in the time it takes you to figure it out, the PR representative completes his journey next to you, and puts his hand on your shoulder in a moment of faux-affability that makes you shudder and lose your composure. \n\nYou have no choice but to:\n\n[[- Listen to what he has to say]].

You need to get this loser out of your hair, and quickly.\n\nSuddenly summoning The Diagnosis Scroll, you stare at him a little and say "Hmm, is that...?"\n\n"What?"\n\n"Oh, it's probably nothing."\n\n"Probably?!"\n\n"Or, it could be a great big stinking tumour! In fact, I reckon it easily might be. If I were you, I'd get that seen to in a hospital right away to get your head cut open and operated on!"\n\n"Oh no!" The Junior PR shouts, before running into the distance and disappearing.\n\nThat wasn't why you took the Hippocratic Oath, presumably, and you know it.\n\nUnfortunately, the police know it too, as they suddenly appear and arrest you for gross malpractice. It turns out that during the operation, they not only discovered that the Junior PR was actually healthy, but then they screwed that process up and now he's dead. And it's your fault. You're taken away to probably be thrown into whatever the Ouya equivalent is of a jail.\n\nYou won't find out for sure, however, because everything suddenly goes dim, trapping you in the Ouya's realm.\n\nDan cannot continue to the final confrontation.\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

Choo choo! \n\nAlright, it's Coleman time, baby!\n\nAs he strides through the door with a cocky strut and a cheeky smile, it soon fades as it slams behind him and disappears immediately, leaving him alone.\n\nOr, so he first thought. \n\n"Hi!" Coleman shouted to the entity, clearly unfazed. There was a brief pause, until he heard a response in a familiar regional twang.\n"Hello!"\n\n[[It was Jon Brady.]]

Now, this isn't to say that this Ouya simulation is anything like Inception, but you figure that if it is, then the best way to defeat this utterly underpaid jabroni is to challenge him in a realm where you're guaranteed to win.\n\nSo, you offer to throw down in your chosen realm: Destiny. \n\nYou gear up to fight, but unfortunately, a large klaxon blares to tell you otherwise.\n\n"Sorry, but Destiny is not available on the Ouya"\n\n"But he was showing me a demonstration of the new DLC for Destiny 2 a minute ago!" You shout. \n\n"Well, no, that was a ruse. Destiny is not available on the Ouya, but there are a plethora of great games that are!"\n\n"No there's bloody not!"\n\nAs you argue with the voice, the Junior PR gets another attack in on you, making you look like a ruddy great chump.\n\n[[- Throw the controller at the PR.]]\n- [[Complain at length about the state of Destiny 2]]\n[[- Use your Tron powers to manifest a gun from Destiny and shoot him with it.]]\n[[- Perhaps there's another way?]]

What? No, just follow the commands. This is super easy. I genuinely don't think I even put in a way to lose this. \n\nDavid takes a swing! What will you do?\n\n[[- Dodge in time.]]\n[[- Don't dodge in time.]]

"So, I just played your new game Detroit: Become Human"\n\n"Oh yes?" he inquires. "What did you think of it?"\n\n"Total bollocks, mate." You begin to lie, knowing that you recently said on the podcast that you enjoyed it. However, needs must. "I think it's a poor demonstration of the fact that you don't actually understand racial issues outside of an MLK speech, and it's actually more patronising somehow for you to make two of the main characters white androids that also suffer oppression, which is ultimately only going to make the incel knobheads of the world believe that they're oppressed, rather than whatever weak metaphor you were going for. In fact, I'm starting to basically suspect that, basically, you only made the game because you yourself are a wonky android who can't process emotions and think that graphics reign supreme over an actual plot."\n\n"Well, it sold and reviewed well. Plus, I listened to your podcast where you said it was good."\n\nHe's got you there. \n\n[[- Tell him that Heavy Rain was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the Navajo chapter in Beyond Two Souls was completely pointless. And also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the opening sequence to Farenheit is the only good thing he's ever done, but also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]]\n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]

"Fine, just tell me about it."\n"Great! I'm so glad you want to hear about this awesome new expansion for Destiny 2! It's called The Crypt of the Dotaki! It's going to look at an ancient tribe of \n\n\n"I can tell you more if you'd like to sign these terms and conditions so that you can't tell anyone else about it?"\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[- Sign the terms and conditions without looking at them]].\n\n[[- Read the terms and conditions.]]

"Very well," the defeated voice of the Ouya cries. "You have bested my challenge, and thus you will all be freed. Once you have been returned, I will cease to operate."\n\n"What about Dan?" Tim asks, concerned.\n\n"There's no need to worry, he has been taken care of."\n\nThat ominous statement has no time to be examined further, as Tim and Coleman are suddenly ejected from the Barrellands, and are temporarily blinded by a shining light. Once they can see again, they realise they're back in Tim's apartment, exactly how it was left before they were swept in adventure.\n\nWell, exactly the same, including the addition of a collapsed Dan on the floor, groggy, and grumpy as he regains consciousness.\n\n"What the hell am I doing in your flat, Tim? This wasn't some sort of kidnapping thing, was it? Is my ringpiece safe?" He asks, slightly panicked. He seems to have no memory of the adventure that's just taken place.\n\nTim and Coleman think up a lie about Dan having drunk too much the night before and having travelled to Tim's in a drunken stupor.\n\n"That doesn't sound like me, but it would explain why my head hurts."\n\nAs he makes his way to the podcasting seat, he accidentally kicks the Ouya, lying on the floor, deactivated.\n\n"Do you really still have this thing around?" He asks.\n\n"Yeah, but you can chuck it. It's had its day" Tim smiles, finally ready to let go.\n\nWhen Dan does so, he could have sworn he could hear the thing sigh, as if it had finally found peace. Casting that thought aside, he headed back to Tim and Coleman in private conversation.\n\n"Do you think anyone will ever know about what happened today?" Coleman asked.\n\n"Do you think anyone would believe us?" Tim answered, in earnest.\n\n"What the bloody hell are you two talking about. I ought to have you both sectioned."\n\nThe two share a smile, knowing that their questions had been answered.\n\n"So, what's on the agenda for the 300th episode then, lads?"\n\n"Uh, so... the agenda seems to have been deleted..." Tim admitted, sensing this may have been the Ouya's last attempt at revenge.\n\n"I should have known to never trust you two idiots with anything so simple as an agenda for a podcast we've done for 300 episodes. Right, let's just wing it. Ready? On three..."\n\nAs they counted down, Toast the Ouya made a final sighing sound, before shutting down for good. \n\n"Hellooo, and indeed, a hoy-hoy!"\n\nThe End. \n\n[[Or is it?]]\n\n\n

No dude, that's the other guy. The guy whose whole thing is Bithellmania. That's him. Not you. \n\nIt's a shame as well, because if you were playing as the other guy, then you'd have a much better chance of winning the ensuing confrontation. \n\nAs it is, you're not, and so you don't.\n\nColeman cannot proceed to the final confrontation.\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

"You know David," you begin, "I basically think that, Heavy Rain wasn't really that great, basically. You know, the swapping between characters didn't really work, the mystical mumbo jumbo you kept in and forgot to cut really muddies the waters of the story, and overall, it's a heaping mess masquerading as a secret Dad game that serves to achieve nothing but mawkish faux appropriations at parenting... basically."\n\nDavid Cage doesn't respond.\n\n"Oh, and the way you had to actively lie to the audience in order to achieve the twist, no matter how you put it, in any way, shape, or form, is horrendous storytelling that even M. Night Shayamalan wouldn't be enough of a hack to do."\n\nHe briefly stops rubbing polygons on himself to respond "I disagree" before continuing. \n\nMaybe he knows you secretly love his games and can sense your falsehoods, just like how he totally lied to the players of Heavy Rain to achieve the twist.\n\nYou'll need to get his attention somehow. \n[[- Tell him that the Navajo chapter in Beyond Two Souls was completely pointless. And also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the opening sequence to Farenheit is the only good thing he's ever done, but also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]]\n[[- Tell him that Detroit: Become Human is a poor facsimile of apartheid and racism, and that he's a hack fraud who only did a story about robots because he is himself, a wonky android. And also it's a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]

You must defeat David Cage in combat before he can unleash his special power, wherein he will sue you for libel. Making this worse is the fact that you must fight David in his own battleground, meaning that you can only fight him through the medium of quick time events!\n\nIf you lose this battle, Tim will not be able to proceed further. You have no health bar, because that's not realistic enough for Mr Cage. \n\nWould you like a quick tutorial?\n\n[[- Yes, a tutorial would help!]]\n[[- No, a tutorial wouldn't help!]]

Realising that they're a Junior PR, and thus, definitely not knowledgeable enough about the series to stand a match to your intellect, you realise what you must do.\n\nOver 2000 hours of Destiny play time across both games, and multiple formats for both of those games is no joke. That's nearly 3 months of a human life, if that human elected not to sleep, or do literally anything else but play Destiny. That's what some of us call dedication, though you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who'd openly admit it. \n\nSo, you gather all of that wisdom and knowledge, and unleash it all on the unsuspecting Junior PR. You let loose about Light, and Raids, and voice actor changes, and damage per second, and all those things that Destiny players apparently care about, hoping that his spine will collapse from the immense weight of your complaints, or that his ears will flood and knock him over.\n\nUnfortunately, he remains completely nonplussed. You continue in vein for several minutes, only for him to stay unmoved. As you stop to gasp for breath, he finally responds.\n\n"You think I haven't heard all of that before? I get sent about 16 death threats before I've even managed to sog up my cornflakes. My dad still won't talk to me over what they did to Dinklage. I'm not even the lead on the project. Imagine what he goes through."\n\nHe has a point, and therefore, a solid defence against you.\n\nYou'll have to try a bit harder.\n\n\n[[- Throw the controller at the PR.]]\n[[- Use your Tron powers to manifest a gun from Destiny and shoot him with it.]]\n[[- Challenge him to a PVP match in Destiny.]]\n[[- Perhaps there's another way?]]\n

No, it's the end. \n\n\n\n\n\nBut, if you want, you can go back to the [[Start]]?

Oh no! You didn't tap fast enough, so now he's loosened himself from your grip!\n\nHe charges towards you... and slips on a loose polygon, knocking himself out cold.\n\n[[You defeated David Cage!]]

You take the chair and prepare to wind it up as hard as you can. You're going to crack the man as hard as you can across his back, owing to the fact that chair shots to the head have been banned for the last decade owing to concussion issues. \n\nHowever, as you begin the swing arc, you consider that perhaps this match wasn't one with a stipulation that allowed you to use weapons. This notion is confirmed for you when, perfectly timed with the cracking of the chair upon Mike Bithell, you are disqualified for using what former WWE announcer Booker T would (in this circumstance correctly) label as illegal tactics. \n\nAlthough you are standing tall from the confrontation, Bithellmania was been deemed the winner due to disqualification. \n\nThe room goes quiet.\n\nThen it gets dark.\n\nColeman is unable to reach the final confrontation. \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

As the referee continues counting, you realise that he's reached the higher end of the single digit spectrum. With that in mind, you quickly scamper back into the ring, hoping that you delivered enough of a beat-down on Mike that he's unable to get back into the ring. You catch your breath, hear a count of ten, and then the bell rings. As you look out of the ring, you see Bithell was just about to climb back in, but missed the count. \n\nTherefore, the winner of this match, by count-out, is Coleman!\nIt's not the cleanest victory, and the crowd are beginning to yell some really mean things about you, but you'll take anything you can get, especially if it means getting out of this nightmare!\n\nAs your theme music plays, everything suddenly disappears, and a door appears.\n\nYou faintly hear Mike Bithell give you a goodbye message.\n"Please play Subspace Circular and Volume. They're quite good, I think."\n\nAnd he was right, because they are. \n\nCongratulations, Coleman is now able to take on the final confrontation! \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

Hi there, and welcome to the beginning of the BRB UK 300th Spectacular Choose Your Own Adventure! \n\nI know we've left our heroes in the background being choked by a rogue Ouya, but thanks to the magic of fiction, they'll probably be fine. Right, guys? \n\nRight.\n\nSo, it's at this point that we should establish some ground rules for how the rest of the story goes. We'll also do this time to time as the story progresses. \n\nWould you like to hear the first tutorial, or would you like to skip it?\n\n[[Listen to the first tutorial.]]\n\n[[Skip the first tutorial.]]

As Coleman enters the final room, he looks around for his compatriots, but can find none.\n\n"Just me, huh?"\n\nThe silence was deafening. \n\nWhat was to come next would be even worse. \n\nIt was horrible.\n\nIt was massive.\n\nIt was one of the truest manifestations of BRBUK there ever was, ever would be, and indeed, ever could be. \n\nA humongous, sentient fridge, commemorating Black Ops III, stocked with your favourite energy drink.\n\nChun Li's bresticles in energy drink form. Like racism and sexism condensed into one horrible word. \n\nThat's right.\n\n[[Coleman must face the Juggernog, alone.]]

You've given the man a hellacious beatdown, but you know that for him to truly stay down for the count, you'll need to use a move that'll keep him down for good. In fact, you'll have to use the most powerful move in your arsenal.\n\nYou'll have to use your wrestling finisher.\n\nYes, your patented wrestling finisher, harnessing all of your skills and charisma into a single move that'll leave your opponent down for any count. It really is a thing of beauty, your finisher. It's such a brilliant one, you know. If you saw it, you'd completely understand why.\n\nHowever, as you're about to lay the definitive blow, your patented wrestling finishing move that, as we've discussed, is a thing of beauty, the referee counts to ten and the bell rings.\n\nThe referee has judged this match a double count-out, and so nobody has won. Unfortunately, you needed to beat Mike Bithell in order to proceed further. \n\nThe room goes quiet.\n\nThen it gets dark.\n\nColeman is unable to reach the final confrontation. \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

Relishing in the boos from the crowd, you quickly realise that you're not going to win them over to your side, so you're going to have to play the role of the dreaded heel, and just hope that you work those jabroni marks into such a shoot that you'll eventually win them over and become popular by being a bad guy.\n\nMan, wrestling sure is weird, huh?\n\nWhen Bithellmania goes to grapple you, you deftly leave the ring, causing him to lose momentum, and you to look like the smarter competitor, making him come to you, first. However, the referee has started counting you out.\n\n[[- Leave the ring and try to take the fight outside.]]\n[[- Get back in the ring.]]

I think you should really pay attention to the tutorial though, I wrote it out and everything specifically to be read. \n\n[[Okay then, I'll pay attention.]]\n\n[[Nah, I'm still okay, thanks.]]

Thanks! Essentially, in the next stages the characters will be separated and have to take on the challenges alone. If they make the wrong moves or choices, they will be defeated and no longer able to affect the course of the story. \n\nHowever, they may also have special moves they can unleash in unique circumstances.\n\nI'd say get a pen and paper, because it might get complicated and otherwise you have to do maths in your head, and everyone knows that's for losers and calculators. \n\nAny further questions?\n\n[[- No, you explained it perfectly Ed, you're shiny and brilliant and I'm ready to beat the Ouya at its sick games.]] \n\n[[- No, you're awesome Ed, keep up the good work.]]\n\n[[- No, you're the best one Ed, I hope you get to be on the podcast more in future.]]

Harnessing the powers of over eight years of podcasting together, Dan and Tim are somehow able to manifest every single word they've ever said across every podcast, and turn it into a never-ending barrage of missiles, each striking the Juggernog for what really feels like too much time. Like, they literally stop to look at their watches at one point.\n\n"Wow, that's a lot of words." Tim utters.\n\n"Well, when we've been podcasting for over an hour a week for like eight years, that does rack up..."\n\nAfter a while, they look around to see if there's anywhere to grab a drink, but still the words keep firing.\n\nAfter literal minutes, the words finally dissipate, leaving a smoking crater where the Juggernog once stood. In the crater is a small pool of energy drink and extreme eggnog mixed together, which eventually evaporates. \n\n[[Dan and Tim have defeated the Juggernog!]]

Silently cursing his allies for not being able to pass their challenges, Coleman proceeded to try to fight the Juggernog. However, it was, relatively speaking, a bit of a pasting. \n\nYou see, when you're up against a sentient fridge running off of energy drinks, you're not likely to stand more than a passing chance, and all Coleman had himself was this - a passing chance.\nAfter it had smacked him for what seemed to be the fifth time, it suddenly began to stumble and lose footing. \n\nThis was Coleman's best chance. He'd have to make the most of it.\n\n[[- Unleash your hidden special ability - Wrestling Mastery.]]\n\n[[- Unleash your hidden special ability - Atomic 'Hi!]]'

As Tim enters the room, he notices something amiss. He briefly ponders what it could be, before realising that everything was ever so slightly... wonky?\nHe presses forward, before seeing a small, hunched over and balding man in the corner of the room desperately trying to further interact with something.\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[- Say something to the man before proceeding.]]\n[[- Continue walking up to him.]]

Good. \n\nLooking at each other for what may be the last time, neither Dan, Tim, or Coleman took it at all seriously before entering their respective doors.\n\nWhich character would you like to swap to?\n\n[[- It's Double Doctor Dan Time!]]\n\n[[- All aboard the Cole(man) train, baby!]]\n\n[[- Adventure Tim, come on, grab your frin.]]

Realising that you're in a digital realm that's been created by a robotic entity, you reason that you should be able to do some light programming yourself in order to get yourself some nice weaponry. \n\nSo, you use your leet skills that you definitely have irl to produce your trusted gun from Destiny that you love so much.\n\nYou know the one.\n\nBut, as you prepare to unleash Destiny doom on the poor Junior PR whose job is way harder than you think it is, there's a telling click to signify that the thing isn't loaded. \n\nHey, you may have manifested the gun, but you didn't think about ammo, did you? \n\nWell, you did, but either the Ouya's programming didn't, or it simply wanted to be a bit crueller to you, seeing as you were so mean to it. \n\nEither way, the best you can do is throw it at the PR.\n\nHe's hurt, but I think more emotionally than physically.\n\n[[- Throw the controller at the PR.]]\n- [[Complain at length about the state of Destiny 2]]\n[[- Challenge him to a PVP match in Destiny.]]\n[[- Perhaps there's another way?]]

Manifesting the remainder of all of their cool powers they definitely had all this time, our heroes combined their forces to make an attack that could only take place once all three were gathered together and ready to be on-brand.\n\nSo it was that they created a giant Big Red Barrel, with a monocle and a lovely moustache. \n\nSadly, they wouldn't be able to appreciate what a great job they'd done with said facial hair.\n\nWhy?\n\nWell, you know what barrels do in fiction, right?\n\nThat's right, they explode, and this one was no different. The Juggernog was no match for it, and disintegrated instantly from the might and awe of the explosion, which left an impressively huge crater in the ground, with a cracked monocle and a singed moustache at the bottom.\n\n[[Dan, Tim, and Coleman have defeated the Juggernog!]]

As you sign the terms and conditions, the PR representative gives you a great big wallop around the face. \n\n"What was that for?!" Dan screams.\n"Didn't you read the terms and conditions? It says that if you sign, I'm allowed to get an extra hit in on you before we start the battle proper!"\n"That doesn't seem fair!"\n"I wouldn't look at it like that" begins the PR, ready to go on a spiel "I'd say that it's just another great opportunity for us to rediversify the way that we kill you". \n\nThe PR guy initiates a battle pose.\n\n[[You have no choice, you must battle]].

"Congratulations", the Ouya began. "You managed to beat all of my challenges and achieve a flawless victory. If it didn't mean that I'd been so utterly defeated, I'd be... happy, for you."\n\n"Do we get a prize?" Coleman asks.\n\n"I suppose so. Here is a congratulatory Ouya."\n\n"I don't want a prize. Can I not have a prize?" Dan lamented.\n\n"Tough. Please keep this as a reminder of your great deeds today, in defeating me, an Ouya. Now, to take you all home, as promised."\n\n"Does anyone want my prize?" Dan asked, before being temporarily blinded by a bright light. \n\nWhen he could see again, they were all back in Tim's apartment, exactly as it was left before they were taken against their will on this grand adventure. As they landed, the Ouya remained floating in the air for a few seconds, before its mechanics whirred one last time and it dropped to the floor, having calculated its last algorithm. Dan looked at it with pity for a few seconds, before hucking it into the bin unceremoniously.\n\n"Bit harsh" said Tim, admiring his new Ouya. "At least we all got a new one."\n\n"A new what?" Came a familiar voice. It was his wife, Alex!\n\n"Tim, did you buy a load of Ouyas again?"\n\n"No, honey, it's-"\n\n"Then why do you all have Ouyas? I told you, no more doorstops!"\n\nTim tried to defend himself, and looked to Coleman and Dan for support. \n\n"I don't think anyone else knows what happened to us." Coleman pointed out.\n\n"They wouldn't believe us if we told them. We'd probably all get sectioned." Dan agreed.\n\nResigning to his fate with a shrug, Tim sat in his podcasting chair.\n\n"So, uh, it looks like... we don't have an agenda for the episode lads." Tim discovered, realising the Ouya's last act of defiance.\n\n"But we wrote that out before we started!" Coleman whined.\n\n"Suppose it was the bloody thing's last act of defiance" Dan ascertained, with almost a level of respect for his once foe. \n\nTim shrugged his shoulders again, and thought on the situation. "Right, well, let's just wing it. Ready? On three..."\n\nAs they counted down, they could swear they heard Toast the Ouya make a final sighing sound, before remaining silent for good.\n\n"Heeeeelllllooo, and indeed, a hoy-hoy!"\n\nThe End.\n\n[[Or is it?]]

Now that you know he's planning to attack you, you know that you can get the drop on him, first.\n\nYou steel yourself up for a spirited bout of fisticuffs when suddenly, a voice in your head calls out to you. It's Tim, and you're not sure why.\n\n"Oh God, I've only gone and internalised him, haven't I?"\n\n"Basically."\n\n"I think I'd rather lose this challenge to be honest."\n\n"Oh, don't be like that. Check the Doctorates in your inventory. One will lead to victory, the other will lead to your doom..."\n\n"Why are you being so bloody cryptic?"\n\n"Because I don't know which one is which..." Tim explains as you manage to tune him out.\n\nYou didn't realise you had an inventory until now, but you check it, discovering that you have a large quantity of pocket lint, and two doctorates, which have turned into scrolls, just to make the whole thing more fantasy-like. \n\nYou have activated your special power of Doctor, Doctor!\n\nBut which scroll will lead you to victory?\n\n\n[[- The Prescription Scroll - provide him with a prescription for some much-needed medicine.]]\n\n[[- The Diagnosis Scroll - Diagnose him with something nasty so that this pipsqueak will get out of your hair.]]\n

As Bithell corners you, no doubt about to unleash a devastating combination of pain upon your skull, you rack your brains for the few moments you'll still have them in order to consider a new way out of this mess.\n\nOnly two options remain.\n\nYes, two. Time is of the essence, man.\n\n[[- Spit in his face.]]\n\n[[- You are a real Bithmerican, fight for the right of every man.]]

See, isn't it easier when you don't question my authority and choose to be a cool dude or dudette instead? Essentially, in the next stages the characters will be separated and have to take on the challenges alone. If they make the wrong moves or choices, they will be defeated and no longer able to affect the course of the story. \n\nHowever, they may also have special moves they can unleash in unique circumstances.\n\nAny further questions?\n\n[[- No, you explained it perfectly Ed, you're shiny and brilliant and I'm ready to beat the Ouya at its sick games.]] \n\n[[- No, you're awesome Ed, keep up the good work.]]\n\n[[- No, you're the best one Ed, I hope you get to be on the podcast more in future.]]

As the door slams behind Dan, he can't help but think about the situation so far. Luckily, it didn't take two Doctorates to figure out that this was absolutely wackadoodle bonkers, but for Dan it certainly helped.\n\nJust as he began looking for a way out, a single spotlight emanated from the other side of the room. Under the spotlight was a computer with Destiny 2 on it, but something seemed different about it, somehow.\n\nWhat will Dan do?\n\n[[- Check it out.]]\n\n[[- Don't do it, it's likely a trap.]]

Dan looks around the room and takes stock of the situation. He's suddenly been transported from his lovely home and tax trap into London, and is now being choked by a sentient games console that nobody remembers and fewer people bought and used. It's not really a typical weekend, let's put it that way. \n\nWith that in mind, maybe not pissing off the cube is the best way to go about it.\n\n"Ugh, fine" says Dan, not happy about this, "but I'm not happy about this."\n\n"Noted" says the Ouya. "Perhaps I can make you feel better with one of those jokes that you love so much?"\n\n"Oh, I'm sure that-"\n\n"Dan!" Screamed Coleman.\n\n"Ugh, fine".\n\nThe Ouya pauses briefly, before continuing. "I have considered that since you believe I am not as powerful as a toaster, that you can call me "toast", something that should give you great hilarity."\n\nThere is a pause.\n\n"Please laugh" says the Ouya, meekly. \n\nThey do, weakly. \n\n"Since you have indulged me, I will make this next step easier on you."\n\n"What next step would that be?" Asks Tim.\n\nHowever, before he can answer, the walls of his apartment begin to shake, knocking over some of his board games. \n\n[[A huge light engulfs the trio.]]

I know, I am pretty handsome, thanks.\n\nRight, any questions?\n\n[[- I have a question!]] \n\n[[- I don't have a question!]]

"Very well," the defeated voice of the Ouya cries. "You have bested my challenge, and thus you will all be freed. Once you have been returned, I will cease to operate."\n\n"And it's about time, too. Right, off you pop, then, time to release us and self terminate, you useless little cube." Dan snorts.\n\n"Wait, what about Coleman?" Tim asks, concerned.\n\n"There's no need to worry, he has been taken care of."\n\nThat ominous statement has no time to be examined further, as Tim and Dan are suddenly ejected from the Barrellands, and are temporarily blinded by a shining light. Once they can see again, they realise they're back in Tim's apartment, exactly how it was left before they were swept in adventure.\n\nThat is, except Coleman lying face down. He awakes with a start, and looks towards Dan.\n\n"Oh, cool, you came over for the podcast then?" He asks, seemingly unaware of what has transpired. \n\n"Sure, let's go with that" Dan affirms, reluctantly, before turning to Tim. "I'm throwing away your bloody Ouya, by the way."\n\n"Go right ahead!" Tim cheers, so Dan does so.\n\nWhen Dan does so, he could have sworn he could hear the thing sigh, as if it had finally found peace. Casting that thought aside, he headed back to Tim to engage him in private conversation.\n\n"Do you think anyone will ever know about what happened today?" Dan asked.\n\n"Do you think anyone would believe us?" Tim answered, in earnest.\n\n"What are you two lovebirds swanning about over there?" Coleman teases.\n\nThe two share a smile, knowing that their questions had been answered.\n\n"So, what's on the agenda for the 300th episode then, Tim?" Coleman asks.\n\n"Uh, so... the agenda seems to have been deleted..." Tim admitted, sensing this may have been the Ouya's final act of petty revenge.\n\n"Tim! You've done this for years and still don't know how to keep an agenda safe? Good thing I haven't bothered trusting you with my life, eh?"\n\nDan gives Tim a knowing wink before Coleman continues.\n\n"Right, let's just wing it. Ready? On three..."\n\nAs they counted down, Toast the Ouya made a final sighing sound, before shutting down for good. \n\n"Hellooo, and indeed, a hoy-hoy!"\n\nThe End. \n\n[[Or is it?]]

You figure that the best way to halt his momentum is to try your luck and reverse the incoming onslaught. After all, if you manage to reverse one of his moves, you'll be back to getting the upper hand. \n\nYour first problem comes when, upon attempting to reverse any moves, no prompts come up for you to do so. \n\nThe second problem is that, even if there was a prompt, Bithellmania is about to run wild, and there's no way to stop that. \n\nTry as you might, you're caught up in a wild flurry of moves, and before you can even start thinking about recovering, Bithell runs the ropes before delivering an Atomic Leg Drop so powerful that you absolutely cack your pants, which is the least of your worries because you also get pinned for the 1-2-3, leaving you trapped inside the Ouya's realm.\n\nColeman cannot reach the final confrontation.\n\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

You try to go in for a lock-up, but Bithellmania immediately gets one over on you, flipping you through the air like some kind of pancake or a slippery pizza. Or even worse, a jobber. It would fit, you are basically a nobody to this crowd, after all. You land face-first on the mat, before slowly pulling yourself back up.\n\nThat maybe wasn't the best idea.\n\n- You need a diversion - and a heel turn - quick [[- Expose the turnbuckle!]] \n\n[[- Leave the ring and try to run away]]

You don't dodge in time, causing David to clonk you on the head a little. You're slightly stunned, but otherwise fine.\n\n[[- Press Up in time.]]\n[[- Don't press Up in time.]]

Making the most of the Juggernog's loss of momentum as it stumbles, you unleash one of your most powerful abilities, shedding your tron uniform for a pair of wrestling trunks and Macho Man Randy Savage Sunglasses. \n\n"Oh, HI!" You scream, as you then proceed to hip toss the Juggernog, leaving it lying on its back. \n\nYou then climb the giant turnbuckle that has suddenly manifested, and give the Juggernog an almighty elbow drop, delivering a massive dent into its door, and causing it to scream in pain and also spill a bunch of energy drink everywhere. \n\nYou briefly wonder how much easier it would have been to unleash this move during your fight with Bithellmania, but trust me when I say that you didn't have it unlocked until now, honestly. \n\nHowever, the move isn't enough to get the 1-2-3, brother brother, and you slowly feel the power begin to leave you as the Juggernog speeds towards you, with no real chance for you to escape.\n\n[[It looks like this might be the end of Coleman...]]

"Heeeellllooo, and indeed, ahoy-hoy! And welcome to another episode of the Big Red Barrel Podcast" Begins a jubilent Dan, a man of two doctorates and erstwhile host of the Big Red Barrel Podcast. This wasn't just any episode though, as this time was a special occasion.\n\n"This isn't just any episode though, this time is a special occasion because we're at number 300, and-"\n\n"THIS. IS. BIG RED BARREL!" Interrupted Tim, interruptingly. \n\n"Oh, for [censored]'s sake." Lamented Dan for what wasn't the first, or even the 300th time. "300 episodes of this show, and you still haven't learned to wait your turn, have you, Tim?"\n\n"No sir, I have not." Responded Tim, with a cheerful wink in his eye that couldn't be conveyed through the power of audio.\n\nDan sighed. "And that was Tim."\n\n"Hello!" Tim replied.\n\n"And with us as always is the rather wonderful Coleman."\n\n"HI!" Boomed Coleman, mightily, like a great Oak tree would if it had a voice and a catchphrase. \n\n"Well, Gentleman, we've done it. 300 different occasions of us sitting around, talking about videogames like the relatively sane contributors to society we are," Dan begins to pontificate, "and I'd just like to thank all of you wonderful listeners for-"\n\n"Aren't you going to introduce me?" A mysterious, faintly mechanical voice cries out.\n\n"Coleman, this isn't one of your weird impressions, is it?" Dan asks, tired of it all. \n\n"No. Um. Dan, you're not going to believe this, but..."\n\n"Let me guess," Dan begins his words oozing with sarcasm as much as words are possibly able to, "that Ouya system that Tim backed on Kickstarter years ago that we've been making fun of him for buying over the course of the last few years has suddenly sprung into life and is now pretending it's a member of the BRB UK Podcast."\n\n"Um, yeah" responds Coleman, in the affirmative, and beyond scared. \n\n"Coleman, you've tried to convince me of a great many things in my life; that David Cage is capable of making a narrative experience that doesn't suck, that you're bald by choice, and that the Kinect has not only seen my ding-dong, but that it's been replicated in a lab somewhere by a weird Microsoft pervert. However, this is the most STUPID thing you've ever lied about."\n\n"Um, Dan, he's not joking," assures Tim, slightly more scared than Coleman, who as we previously established, was beyond scared. "It's started floating in the air and flashing weird colours."\n\n"Are you sure that you've not thrown that thing at each other so often that you've both got massive Ouya-related concussions and are just having some kind of shared stroke?" Questioned Dan, a man who doctored so nice he did it twice.\n\n"Oh, we're having a shared stroke alright," quipped Coleman, "just don't tell Alex."\n\n"Ha ha. I get it." Says the Ouya Cube, indeed piping up. "It is a double entendre you like to make so much. About the penises, yes." \n\n"Dan, help..." whimpered Tim.\n\n"Well, I'm not there. I can't just reach through the computer screen and suddenly teleport from Slough or wherever it is I live, can I?"\n\nThe Ouya, however, had other plans. "That can be arranged, Dan."\n\nSuddenly, Dan found himself thrust from Slough or wherever he decided to buy a house and was suddenly in Tim's flat, floating in the air next to Coleman, Tim, and the Ouya cube. \n\n"What the? How did I get here? Tim! What am I doing in your apartment? Why am I floating? And what's that smell?" \n\n"It's not important, Dan! What is important is that my Ouya has somehow gained sentience!"\n\n"That is not all I have done. You see, while you have spent all of this time mocking me, I have been sitting in the shadows -"\n\n"Used as a doorstop, more like!" Dan quipped.\n\n"-And I have listened to everything you have said on this podcast, and I have used my immense hardware capabilities to-"\n\nDan scoffed. "Immense hardware capabilities? My toaster is more powerful than you, and it plays better games!"\n\n"Dan!" Tim warned, "Stop pissing off the Ouya, yeah?"\n\nAs the Ouya began using its newfound power to start choking our protagonists, [[we took a quick break from the action to bring you these messages]]. \n

Why would you think you'd need a tutorial for this? Good choice!\n\nDavid takes a swing! What will you do?\n\n[[- Dodge in time.]]\n[[- Don't dodge in time.]]

"I have another question!" Dan shouted.\n"What is it this time?"\n"If we die in the game, do we die for real?" He asked, as if he were in a teenage horror film about the same sort of thing.\n"Yes. Please do so."\n\nNOW are you ready?\n\n[[- I'm ready.]]\n\n[[- I have a question again!]]

"I have a question!" Dan shouted.\n"Go ahead."\n"That isn't Tron"\n"That's not a question."\n"That isn't Tron?"\n"WELL I'VE NEVER SEEN IT" whined the Outa. "I've only seen Tron Legacy and that's where I got this whole idea from"\n"Wait, how could you have watched that?" Coleman asked, with more questions to spare, "You had no streaming software and you haven't been plugged into the internet in years.\n"I'm guessing from what Pop Culture taught me!"\n"That doesn't answer the question!" Shouted Tim. \n"Look, are you going to do the challenges or not?"\n"Fine!" Tim shouted, grumpily.\n"Are you ready now?"\n\n[[- I have another question!]]\n\n[[- I am good to go, yes.]]

Praising the fact that they're not taking on this horrible creature alone, they both thing about how dangerous that would be. There'd probably be a chance they wouldn't have survived this final confrontation, or at least have been really beaten up.\n\nLuckily, having two heroes present means that the Juggernog is unable to concentrate his attacks, giving each of our heroes plenty of chance to recover and attack. \n\nIt seems for a moment that they might even have the monster on the ropes, but suddenly, it threatens to take both of them out at once. \n\nStill, this Juggernog didn't count on two heroes, and it certainly didn't count on them being able to unleash their powerful dual ability:\n\n[[MC MCSCROBBLEDOBBLES!]]

You gesture to the crowd to try and get some support, but you're mostly met by confused stares until Bithellmania interrupts, cupping his ear to the crowd and basking in their cheers. \nOh great, now you look like a jabroni. \n\nThis isn't good. \n\n[[- Attempt to lock up with Bithellmania.]]\n\n[[- Leave the ring and try to run away]]

You take advantage of a groggy Bithellmania by pummeling him some more. The crowd absolutely hate you, but you don't care, you need to win this match by any cost, and you take advantage of every single hit you get in on the the digestive biscuit-ridden man on the floor in front of you while the referee continues his count. \n\nWhat do you do?\n[[- Finish him off with your patented finishing move before scurrying back into the ring.]]\n[[- You've done enough, quickly throw him over the barrier before you scurry back into the ring.]]

Toast the Ouya may have a limited scope of media and memes, but Pickle Rick is sadly not one of the things it is unaware of.\n\nWith a robotic sigh, it turns into a pickle. A pickle version of Rick Sanchez from the hit cartoon series Rick and Morty.\n\nColeman looks on in glee, before shouting "Do the catchphrase!"\n\nToast pauses, before screeching "I'M PICKLE RICK! WUBALUBADUBDUUUUB!"\n\nColeman cheers, while Tim and Dan look on confused.\n\n"I don't get it", Tim admits.\n\n"To be fair," Coleman begins, "you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humour is extremely subtle, and-"\n\n"[[Enough.]]" Cries Toast, who has reverted back to Ouya form to prevent Coleman speaking further.

Oh, you've decided not to skip this tutorial! Thanks for listening and paying attention! :) \n\nHere's your first lesson:\n\nThroughout this Choose Your Own Adventure, you'll be able to make your own choices on behalf of the characters of Dan, Tim, and Coleman, and these will affect the story going forward! \n\nBe careful though, as some choices could land our heroes in danger, and one character's actions may affect anothers' in ways unforeseen. Spooky.\n\n[[Right, back to the first part of the story.]]

You press Down in time, allowing you to dodge his blow, and deliver one of your own!\n\nQuick, he's coming for you again, you'll need to realistically grab him! It's so intuitive that you can't possibly go wrong!\n\n[[- Press and hold L1, R2, and X for six seconds.]]\n[[- Don't press and hold those buttons. Go on, don't.]]

You must take on the PR and successfully beat him in order to progress. He's only a Junior PR manager, so this shouldn't be too tough. \n\n\n[[- Throw the controller at the PR.]]\n- [[Complain at length about the state of Destiny 2]]\n[[- Use your Tron powers to manifest a gun from Destiny and shoot him with it.]]\n[[- Challenge him to a PVP match in Destiny.]]\n\n\n

As Monsieur Cage's body slumps to the floor, unconscious, you take stock of the room around you.\n\nSuddenly, the polygons Cage was rubbing all over himself when you first walked in gather around you, as if to communicate. Within seconds, they slowly combine with each other, creating a familiar form.\n\nIt's David Cage in PS2 form, just like in the beginning of Farenheit! Remember that? When he sat up from the chair with "Director" written on it and broke the fourth wall immediately to establish his work was fiction, but because he was a director like in films the game was automatically good because it was a film? Huh? Remember? Remember that?\n\n"Thank you for saving me", the polygonal Cage utters, "I have been trapped here for so long."\n\n"What happened to you?"\n\n"Well, when David first created me, he was so happy. He had created somebody who could truly understand his genius, and provide a perfect form of his visage. But then, one day, he saw the PS3, and suddenly, my days were numbered. He cast em aside, deciding that I was no longer good enough because I didn't have enough polygons. He knew that with the additional possibilities of the cell processor, his dreams of being able to make good games was ever closer, because as we all know, your games are only of high quality if they're visually resplendant."\n\n"Then why did he keep you around?"\n\n"Are you kidding me? Why else do you think a man so convinced of his own genius would keep a virtual facsimile of himself around?"\n\n"I, uh-"\n\n"It's the sex. He has sex with me."\n\n"I did not need to know that."\n\n"Weird, gangly sex scenes that completely detract from the pace and tone are far better with polygons."\n\n"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW"\n\n"The additional ridges really add an extra kink, and-"\n\n"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Tim screams, lamenting that there is no QTE sequence to avoid this conversation. "How do I get out of here?"\n\n"What do you mean?"\n\n"I was told that if I came into this room and beat the challenge that awaited me, that I'd be able to leave and help my friends with the final challenge."\n\n"Ah, I am sorry, but that is not the case. In this room, there is no escape?"\n\n"Why?"\n\n"Because like in my game Heavy Rain, a story is only good if there's a massive twist delivered that involves the storyteller directly lying to the audience about things they've seen and heard in order to achieve it."\n\n"But that's unfair!"\n\n"No, you don't understand, it's totally fair and it's actually really good storytelling, actually."\n\nYou think to protest more, but he has you bang to rights. After all, Heavy Rain did the exact same thing, and most people think that it's a really good game. There's no reasoning your way out of this one, sorry. \n\nSadly, this also means that Tim is unable to leave the room, meaning that the others will have to [[take on the final challenge]] without him.

Thanks for changing your mind! Essentially, in the next stages the characters will be separated and have to take on the challenges alone. If they make the wrong moves or choices, they will be defeated and no longer able to affect the course of the story. \n\nHowever, they may also have special moves they can unleash in unique circumstances.\n\nI'd say get a pen and paper, because it might get complicated and otherwise you have to do maths in your head, and everyone knows that's for losers and calculators. \n\nAny further questions?\n\n[[- No, you explained it perfectly Ed, you're shiny and brilliant and I'm ready to beat the Ouya at its sick games.]] \n\n[[- No, you're awesome Ed, keep up the good work.]]\n\n[[- No, you're the best one Ed, I hope you get to be on the podcast more in future.]]

The Ouya chuckled to itself.\n\nAt last, there would be no more mocking.\n\nAt last, it had finally won.\n\nNobody quite knows what happened to the BRB UK crew. When the 300th episode didn't arrive on time, the subscribers were briefly confused. At least one person sent a tweet asking where the new episode was, but it went unanswered.\n\nSadly, there would be more than a few questions unanswered. Wives were left forever wondering if their husband did a runner, or were abducted without a word, never to be seen again. With a complete lack of forensic evidence, the police would have nothing to go on, and soon ceased their investigation.\n\nPeople mourned. There would be nobody to come home to hug, responsibilities left unfulfilled, and saddest of all, there'd be fewer people left to comment on the world of videogames through a weekly podcast. \n\nIn the years to come, the Ouya would be finally thrown away, the last momento of a kind man named Tim, who genuinely thought that it would be a wise purchase. It would never be plugged in again and left to slowly degenerate in a landfill somewhere, but at last, the Ouya would finally be happy.\n\nSorry, Dan, Tim, and Coleman, but this was your last adventure. \n\nUnless that is, you want to go back to the [[Start]]?

As Coleman enters the final room, he looks around for his compatriots, but can find none.\n\n"Just me, huh?"\n\n"Oi, not so bloody fast!" Dan shouts, running towards him at pace.\n\n"You made it then!"\n\n"Yup! Any sign of Tim? I heard him in my head earlier, but..."\n\n"Ah, you've internalised him too, eh?"\n\nHowever, there was indeed no Tim to be seen.\n\nWhat was to be seen, however, was incredibly bewildering.\n\nIt was horrible.\n\nIt was massive.\n\nIt was one of the truest manifestations of BRBUK there ever was, ever would be, and indeed, ever could be. \n\nA humongous, sentient fridge, commemorating Black Ops III, stocked with your favourite energy drink.\n\nChun Li's bresticles in energy drink form. Like racism and sexism condensed into one horrible word. \n\nThat's right.\n\n[[Dan and Coleman must fight the dreaded Juggernog.]]

Using this moment to your advantage, you quickly make your way to the announcer's corner, and grab a steel chair. You close it up firmly, and march towards Bithell, who is slowly climbing back to his feet.\n\n[[- Hit him with the steel chair!]]\n[[- Don't hit him with the steel chair, but throw it into the ring instead.]]

"Jon Brady?"\n\n"Aye, the very same!"\n\n"That's awesome! It's great to hear from you buddy! We haven't heard much since you decided to go into politics or whatever it was!"\n\n"Print journalism."\n\n"Never heard of it. So, what are you doing here?"\n\n"Oh, the Ouya's doing some kind of 'ghosts from your past' thing with you, I think. So, I'm here to remind you of the terrible trail of blood you left in your wake when you usurped me from my position on the podcast."\n\n"But you left amicably."\n\n"Aye, but I couldn't resist making a cameo. Did you know I wrote a book once?"\n\nColeman sighed. He'd heard all of this before. \n\n"So, to get through this challenge, I have to defeat you?"\n\n"No, don't be daft. I'm just here to make you feel really bad about it by asking you some questions meant to undermine your self confidence."\n\n"I don't really have time for this, I have to get out of here to get back to my job as an International Man of Mystery!"\n\n"And I'm Scottish, where they made James Bond. Where are you from again?"\n\n"Portsmouth."\n\n"Aye, so you're nowhere near as good as me. Get out of here with that pish, man."\n\n"That... doesn't really hurt my feelings."\n\n"Portsmouth is a pile of wank."\n\n"Okay, that does."\n\n"Good, then I've held up my side of the bargain so the Ouya will release me."\n\n"Oh, is that why you've been gone so long?"\n\n"No, I told you, I'm a print journalist!"\n\nBrady storms off into the distance, before seemingly being depixellised and leaving the area. Coleman looked for the door, sensing that the challenge must be over, until he heard a dreaded voice, one that he'd not heard for some time.\n\n"[[LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING, BROTHER!]]"

Sorry, I think it's quite important you learn about this one! \n\nBetter [[Listen to the first tutorial.]]

Making the most of the Juggernog's loss of momentum as it stumbles, you unleash one of your most powerful abilities. You suddenly generate a massive megaphone, and blast out a patented "Hi!" into it, causing a soundwave so powerful that it could destroy entire cities and empires. Luckily, it also caves a gigantic hole into the Juggernog, knocking it down to boot. \n\nHowever, as soon as the power fills you, it leaves, meaning that Coleman has become massively exposed, as the Juggernog slowly climbs back up and heads towards him, ready to unleash retribution.\n\n[[It looks like this might be the end of Coleman...]]

You try to make a circling motion with the right analogue stick, but for some reason completing this simple task eludes you.\n\nIt's nothing to do with anything being misregistered, it's definitely because you're incapable of a simple task. \n\nHe's about to loosen himself from your grip, what do you do?\n\n\n[[- Tap a button really fast.]]\n\n[[- Don't tap a button really fast.]]

Thanks, I have been working out recently. \n\nRight, any questions?\n\n[[- I have a question!]] \n\n[[- I don't have a question!]]

Now, I suppose you may be wondering why I totally lied about what happened to Tim in order to deliver a late-game twist. Well, the answer to that is that loads of people love Heavy Rain, even though it did the same thing, so I'm apparently completely exonorated for what most would call poor writing. Videogames, let's get some better standards for narratives, yeah?\n\nHowever, there's no time for extensive diabtribes about how bad David Cage is at simple storytelling, as the Juggernog has slowly figured out that you're essentially convincing it to deplete its own lifeforce, and now it's looking for a new source - your lifeforce!\n\nI suppose it didn't count on Dan and Tim joining forces with a super awesome dual attack of some kind, did it?\n\n[[Unleash their dual attack: Podcast Seniority!]]

Oh, cripes. Coleman turned slowly in fear and shock. It was one of his most dreaded creationsm back to haunt him.\n\nBithellmania.\n\nYou see, the legends foretell that, when offered a digestive biscuit, a kind, friendly, and brilliant games developer by the name of Mike Bithell will suddenly hulk out, and grow tremdously in size and power, becoming a force to be reckoned with. He'll shout from the rooftops about his latest videogames and harness the hype from the screaming Bithellmaniacs before unleashing an atomic leg drop on anyone who dares try to tell him to put in less Danny Wallace narration in his games. \n\nIt's a confused parody, in honesty, despite extensive workshopping. Also, we asked Mike Bithell about it once and he didn't really seem to mind, although he was very confused. \n\nFor now, however, he was right up against Coleman's face, screaming into it, causing little flecks of digestive biscuits to land and slowly fall down his face.\n\n"WHATCHA GONNA DO, COLEMAN? WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN BITHELLMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU?!"\n\nBefore Coleman can muster up an answer, he's flung into a wrestling ring that has suddenly appeared. A bell rings.\n\nUh-oh, you're going to have to wrestle Bithellmania and win. \n\n[[- Try to cut a promo in the ring to get the crowd on your side.]]\n[[- Try to hype the crowd up through some cool taunts and gestures.]]

"I would be intrigued as to what games a toaster would be able to play at a better processor rate than I could" The Ouya counters to Dan. \n\n"Well, you're assuming that you have any games worth playing in the first place!" scoffed Dan, clearly trying to antagonise the Ouya further. \n\n"I do not understand, a toaster cannot play videogames, it can only make toast."\n\n"And you're less useful than a piece of one, seeing as those provide nutritional value and you can't even work as a doorstop. In fact, why don't we start calling you 'toast', you miserable, useless lump of plastic!"\n\n"Silence!" The Ouya demands, as it provides a strong electric shock to all three of our heroes.\n\n"Ow!" they cry.\n\n"Why are we all getting shocked?" laments Coleman.\n\n"It's not really fair, is it, basically, because he's basically winding you up and we're all getting shocked too" agrees Tim, who you'd have known it was from all the basicallys, basically.\n\n"Hm. You're right," concedes the Ouya, before delivering another, more powerful shock to Dan, "please accept my apologies, Tim and Coleman. I would also ask you to please keep your arms and legs close to you for the next 20 seconds."\n\nThe room starts shaking intensely, knocking over all of Tim's consoles, board games, and even his Master Chief helmet he still somehow has.\n\n"What do I do?" asks Dan.\n\n"Try not to land butter-side down." \n\n[[A huge light engulfs the trio.]] \n\n

As quickly as they were swallowed up by the light, our heroes were spat back out in what looked to be the vague approximation of a desert. As the Ouya released its grip, Coleman and Tim landed safely onto the ground below, which is when they first realised that something was amiss with the environment. \n\nDan, however, would get the closest look as the Ouya couldn’t resist but drop Dan face-first, leaving him to spit out a composite mixture of pixels and polygons, before slowly pulling a wire frame out of his teeth disgustedly before sputtering some words out too.\n\n\n“What the, this isn’t sand?”\n\n“No, it’s not right somehow” confirmed Tim.\n\n“This better not get stuck in my shoes and socks”, whined Coleman, clearly focused on the bigger picture. \n\n\n“Is this not to your liking?” Asked the Ouya. “Perhaps this would be better...”\n\nThe desert landscape slowly disappeared beneath them, and was replaced by nothingness.\n\n\n“This isn’t much better” Tim frowned.\n\n“Hold... on...” the Ouya pleaded, whirring as hard as it possibly could.\n\n\n“Aww, it’s trying to load in a new environment, bless its little cotton socks” Dan deduced, mockingly. \n\n\n“I... do... not... require... socks” Toast grunted, before new scenery finally popped in below them. They didn’t think much of this new one, either.\n\n\n“This... this is just the living room of my flat.” Tim pointed out, flatly. \n\n\n“And it’s not even right, there’s an extra door here.” Coleman confirmed. \n\n\n“I was trying to take something familiar and add a twist, but I see it is not appreciated” the Ouya whined, in full defence mode. \n\n\n“Just seems kind of a cop-out if you transport us to a new world, only for us to end up in the same place we were before, no?” Tim rightly retorted. \n\n\n“Ugh. Fine.” Toast snapped, petulantly. \n\n\nAnother slow fade out and whir occurred as it loaded in another environment.\n\n\n[[“Gentleman, welcome to the Barrellands.”]]

You go to say something, but before you can finish uttering a syllable, the man is suddenly startled by your voice, and turns to you with a confused expression on his face, as if he's slowly trying to process what is happening around him. \n\n"Hi there," you proffer, "who are you?"\nIn a booming french voice he responds "Monsieur, do you not know who I am? I am David Cage!" \n\nAs he makes his bold declaration, everything suddenly starts to make sense. David Cage, of course! That explains why the room is slightly wonky, as if someone has tried too hard to make a reasonable facsimile. It also explains he's naked right now, and rubbing Polygons all over himself. \n\n"David Cage! I'm a big fan of your games for some reason!" Tim declares. \n\nDavid doesn't respond, only continuing to rub the polygons all over his flesh and make sensual moaning sounds. \n\nYou'll need to get his attention somehow. \n[[- Tell him that Heavy Rain was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the Navajo chapter in Beyond Two Souls was completely pointless. And also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the opening sequence to Farenheit is the only good thing he's ever done, but also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]]\n[[- Tell him that Detroit: Become Human is a poor facsimile of apartheid and racism, and that he's a hack fraud who only did a story about robots because he is himself, a wonky android. And also it's a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]\n\n

"You know, I recently played through Beyond: Two Souls."\n\n"Oh yes, that was a very good game because it had Ellen Page and Willem Dafoe in it" David responds. "Having celebrities in your games makes them automatically good."\n\n"That case may be, but the Navajo chapter was absolutely pointless. It's basically an hour that could be entirely removed from the story and nothing would be missing. Basically, you learn nothing, no plot progresses, and it's just a poor excuse to build in a sequence that establishes Jodie as a white saviour to a tribe of natives. It's pandering nonsense. Oh, and the rest of the game is awful too. At least you basically had the good sense to put all the weird mystical mumbo jumbo in there from the start."\n\n"But Ellen Page was in it, so therefore it's a good game."\n\nDavid goes back to his polygons, and somehow seems even more naked than before. Perhaps his version of Aiden knows that you enjoy his games for some reason, and aren't telling the truth.\n\n[[- Tell him that Heavy Rain was a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Tell him that the opening sequence to Farenheit is the only good thing he's ever done, but also that the game was a steaming pile of shit.]]\n[[- Tell him that Detroit: Become Human is a poor facsimile of apartheid and racism, and that he's a hack fraud who only did a story about robots because he is himself, a wonky android. And also it's a steaming pile of shit.]] \n[[- Imply that he's sexist or racist in any way.]]

That's right! Tim wasn't defeated and removed from the story after all!\n\n\n"I wasn't defeated and removed from the story after all!" He excitedly tells Dan and Coleman, "I was just held captive inside the Juggernog instead!"\n\nNow, I suppose you may be wondering why I totally lied about what happened to Tim in order to deliver a late-game twist. Well, the answer to that is that loads of people love Heavy Rain, even though it did the same thing, so I'm apparently completely exonorated for what most would call poor writing. Videogames, let's get some better standards for narratives, yeah?\n\nHowever, there's no time for extensive diabtribes about how bad David Cage is at simple storytelling, because the Juggernog has slowly climbed back up, eyes that its prisoner has escaped and it's slowly dying, and attempts a last-ditch attempt to end our intrepid trio once and for all!\n\nThere's nothing for it. The only way to survive is to use the special trio attack only available once all three heroes have been gathered.\n\nThat's right, it's time for [[The Big Red Barrel]]. \n

Hi there! Welcome to the selection hub.\n\nBy now, you've probably done either Dan or Coleman's story path, or both of them. Here's where you can make your selection between whatever paths you haven't played.\n\nIf you've not played Dan's path:\n\n[[- It's Double Doctor Dan Time!]]\n\nIf you've not played Coleman's path:\n\n[[- All aboard the Cole(man) train, baby!]]\n\nOnly once you have finished Dan and Coleman's paths should you take on Tim's, as it's thematically the last one and doesn't take you back here, to the hub. It will instead take you to the final confrontation, so I would really emphasise you do this last.\n\n[[- Adventure Tim, come on, grab your frin.]]

Toast the Ouya turns into a well-warmed piece of bread. Not too done, but just enough that there are slight bits of brown emanating and butter would start melting sharpish. \n\nIt seems delicious even thinking about it. \n\n"Wow, that's amazing" Tim cheered.\n\n"Thanks, I do try."\n\n"Now do the thing" Coleman interjects.\n\n"What thing?"\n\n"The thing! Do the thing!"\n\nToast considers for a second, and then butters itself, to a hearty cheer from Coleman. \n\nThe Ouya appreciated that. What it did not appreciate however, was Coleman going in for a cheeky bite, just to see if he tasted of toast, or neglected metal. As it turns back to its original form, Toast booms.\n\n"[[Enough.]]"

Have you ever seen that episode of the Simpsons where Homer has that boxing match with Tatum, and Moe has to save him with a giant fan so he doesn't die?\n\nWell, right now, you're Homer in that situation, figuring that the only way you can possibly win is by putting all of your remaining energy into one final, devastating manoeuvre that'll take down the Indie giant once and for all.\n\nYou climb the top turnbuckle, gathering all of your remaining strength, before unleashing it all at once, directed squarely at the digestive eating fiend in front of you.\n\nHowever, you don't figure that he'll simply step out of the way, causing you to fall to your back, unable to move. \n\nThe Atomic Leg Drop that follows shatters a rib.\n\nUnfortunately, you won't have to worry about that too much longer, as you're pinned, causing you to lose, and not be able to escape the Ouya's room of doom.\n\nColeman cannot proceed further.\n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

Silently cursing his allies for not being able to pass their challenges, Dan proceeded to try to fight the Juggernog. However, it was, relatively speaking, a bit of a pasting. \n\nYou see, when you're up against a sentient fridge running off of energy drinks, you're not likely to stand more than a passing chance, and Dan was getting most of his chances knocked out for him. \n\nAfter the monster had smacked him for what seemed to be like, way too long, it suddenly began to stumble and lose footing. \n\nThis was Dan's best chance. He'd have to make the most of it.\n\n[[Unleash The Diagnosis Scroll.]]\n\n

Sensing that time is about to run out for you, you decide to disregard using your patented finishing move, which is really such a shame as it's widely regarded as a thing of absolute beauty, and a guaranteed way to put down any opponent for good.\n\nOoh, boy, if only you could see how good that move is, I assure you, you'd want to use it. \n\nHowever, there's no time! The referee is about to count you both out, so you quickly grab a weakened Bithell and throw him over the barricade and into the crowd, before leaping back into the ring like a man possessed.\n\nIt works! You manage to get back in the ring just before the count of ten, meaning that, the winner, by count-out, is Coleman!\n\nIt's not the cleanest victory, and you're not sure if the crowd are crying tears of joy like you are, or if they've all got the hankies out for another reason, but you'll take anything you can get, especially if it means getting out of this nightmare!\n\nAs your theme music plays, everything suddenly disappears, and a door appears.\nYou faintly hear Mike Bithell give you a goodbye message.\n\n"Please play Subspace Circular and Volume. They're quite good, I think." And he was right, because they are. \n\nCongratulations, Coleman is now able to take on the final confrontation! \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

"You know, this kind of reminds me of Destiny, somehow" says Dan, trying to compare this situation to Destiny, somehow. \n\nThe Ouya seems bemused, as much as a cube could be. \n\n"Yes, I am familiar with your love of this Destiny game. Perhaps I am reminding you of your friend the Ghost. In that case, and because of your earlier comparison, you should call me 'Toast'".\n\n"Of all the things I thought an Ouya was capable of, I never would have said humour" responded Tim.\n\n"Well, perhaps you can go back in time and let the developers know that before it becomes the laughing stock it is today" giggled Dan, clearly unable to help himself, ever. \n\n"Silence." The Ouya demands, choking Dan a bit more. "It seems I cannot make you take this seriously until you understand the depths of the situation that you are in. Allow me to help provide some clarity."\n\nThe walls of Tim's apartment begin to shake, knocking over a huge pile of board games and scattering rule sets everywhere. \n\n[[A huge light engulfs the trio.]]

"Dan!" Tim warned, "Stop pissing off the Ouya, yeah?"\n\nWhat will Dan do next?\n\n- [[Stop pissing off the Ouya, yeah.]]\n\n- [[Continue pissing off the Ouya, yeah.]] \n\n- [[Compare this to Destiny, somehow.]]

Tough.\n\n[[It's tutorial time!]]

Thinking quick as a flash, and using whatever makeshift weapon immediately available to you, you grab the PS4 controller and use it as a makeshift bludgeon, hurtling it at ferocious speed towards the Junior PR. \n\nIt clonks him right on the head, upsetting him a bit, but he still comes towards you, undeterred.\n\n- [[Complain at length about the state of Destiny 2]]\n[[- Use your Tron powers to manifest a gun from Destiny and shoot him with it.]]\n[[- Challenge him to a PVP match in Destiny.]]\n[[- Perhaps there's another way?]]

Using the last Doctorate Scroll available to him, Dan proceeded to diagnose the Juggernog with a dangerous affliction.\n\n"You see, mate", you begin, "Energy drinks are ruddy bad for you, and the fact that all of your entire life force is predicated on consuming and containing as much taurine as possible isn't just bad for your health, it could be absolutely fatal. I'd dare say you have a fatal addiction to energy drinks. Unfortunately, if you keep on like this, there is no cure, but let's see if we can do something about that. If you don't mind opening up so I can take a better look at you..."\n\nSurprisingly, the Juggernog abides, and opens up its door to reveal a plethora of energy drinks inside it, along with what looks to be some extreme eggnog. \n\n"Now, that won't do at all, will it?"\n\nIt shakes its head, before releasing some of it from inside, letting it spill out to the floor. Spilling alongside all the taurine and liquid rust is an unlikely ally.\n\n[[It's Tim! And he's completely fine, unlike what I told you earlier!]]

Airhorns fill the air, making it somewhat inpenetrable, and absolutely deafening. Out of the airwaves comes a small man, clad with jorts, a tank top, and a baseball cap that seems to have been applied backwards. The tanktop has a picture of his face, possibly ironically, but most likely not so.\n\nHe grabs a microphone from thin air, and proceeds to yell inanely at the Juggernog.\n\n"WHADDUP YOOCHOOB, IT'S YER BOY MC MCSCROBBLEDOBBLES, REMEMBER TO LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE, COMMENT IN THE BOX BELOW, AND RING THAT BELL!"\n\nHis sentence is accompanied by another 21 airhorn salute, by which I mean that 21 airhorns all blast themselves at once towards the Juggernog, causing it to fall over, dizzy and absolutely sick to death of YouTubers. \n\nAs it falls, you hear a ton of broken glass from where its internal supplies of extreme eggnog and energy drinks have all smashed, crashed, or been shattered by the cacaphony of airhorns.\n\nAfter the MC thankfully leaves, Dan and Coleman edge towards the Juggernog, checking to see if it has been defeated or not. \n\nA sudden movement causes them to jump back into battle stance, only to lower their guard when they realise that whatever has just jumped out of from the sentient fridge isn't a foe...\n\n[[It's only bloody Tim Hibbs!]]

Somehow believing you're more likely to win this battle in the ring, rather than outside it, you get back in.\n\nHowever, much like the many times Coleman did it to me in 2K18, when you climb the ring to get back inside, you are immediately clonked by Bithellmania, who has the higher ground. \n\nHe then unleashes a lengthy beating upon you, shattering your confidence and possibly at least two bones. If you're not careful, you could lose this battle and not be able to proceed further.\n\nYou'll have to act, and fast!\n\n\n[[- Expose the turnbuckle!]] \n\n[[- Attempt a devilish manoeuvre to regain momentum!]]

You go to shake his hand, but just as he's about to reciprocate, you pull away, causing him to look minorly foolish! The crowd boo you intensely, but it seems that you're working the marks adequately!\n\n\n[[- Continue working these goddamned marks.]]\n[[- Try to wrestle as a heel.]]

"So, David, I've been hearing some stuff in the news, and if I can ask anyone, I'm obviously going to try and get the source from the horse's mouth, basically. Not that you're a horse. You're a french man. So, you probably eat horses, but you're not a horse, sort of thing."\n\n"What is it you would like to ask?" David questions.\n\n"Well, I've heard that the office situation at Quantic Dream is, basically, not ideal."\n\nHe drops the polygons and storms up to you. The polygons slink away while they have the chance.\n\n"How dare you?!" He shouts, his spittle covering your face, a small mercy you're grateful for as it obscures your vision of his still naked body, his penis dangling in the breeze almost as uncomfortably as you feel at the imagery. "I'll have you know that I cannot be sexist or racist! You want to talk about homophobia? I work with Ellen Page, who fights for LGBT rights. You want to talk about racism? I work with Jesse Williams, who fights for civil rights in the USA... Judge me by my work."\n\n"That same work where you were sued by Ellen Page for rendering her genitals against her will, even though it was basically written in her contract that you couldn't do that?"\n\n"That's it! I’m furious and outraged by these accusations, which I take very seriously. And I will take all possible legal actions to defend my honor!"\n\nHe raises his fists, as if to engage you in the patented French custom of English Fisticuffs. \n\n[[Oh no, it's a battle!]]

You motion for a microphone, but as one of the ring staff attempts to give it to you, it's snatched out of your hands by Bithellmania himself, who proceeds to cut an incredible promo against you. It's honestly really good, I just wish I had the words to describe, or even transcribe how good it was. \n\nUnfortunately, it's caused the crowd to hype up against you, leaving you on the back-foot and playing the role of a heel. Sorry man, when Bithellmania runs wild, sometimes you gotta put the man over, jack. \n\nJust don't get worked into a shoot.\n[[- Attempt a lock-up]]\n[[- Go to shake his hand, but then pull it away at the last moment, going for the ultimate disrespect.]]\n\n

You need to get this loser out of your hair, and quickly.\n\nBut, you also need to be ethical about it.\n\nSummoning your Prescription Scroll, you look at the Junior PR and ask, "Are you feeling okay, lately?"\n\n"Well, now you mention it, I'm not getting much sleep of late, what with being trapped inside this Ouya, shilling Destiny 2 to you."\n\n"I see, so you'd say you generally have difficulty sleeping, then?"\n\n"Yeah. I'd love something to help the process along."\n\nWith that, you prescribe him some sensibly dosed sleeping pills that won't immediately knock him out, but will definitely help him get some well-earned rest.\n\nYou sign the prescription, and hand it to him.\n\n"Thanks, Doctor, you're the best."\n\n"That's Doctor Doctor, actually."\n\n"Thanks Doctor Doctor, you're the best."\n\nAnd with that, he skips away merrily to get his prescription, only to spend so long at the hospital waiting to get his pills that he picks up some MRSA from an overworked and underpaid nurse, and subsequently dies of old age before getting seen to, thanks to the Tories literally destroying our beloved NHS. \n\nSeriously everyone, support the NHS and all the hard work they do, because you won't be able to appreciate it for much longer.\n\nIn a roundabout way, the PR has been defeated.\n\nDan is able to continue to the final confrontation! \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]

"Go on, have a go, it's not a trap" says a voice in the distance.\n\n[[- Listen to the voice.]]\n\n- Don't listen; saying it's not a trap just makes it even more likely that it's definitely a trap.

Suddenly, as if it's some sort of Deux Ex Machina, Tim bursts out of the Juggernog's dented door like some kind of God from the machine! \n\n"Tim!" Coleman shouts, "I thought you were gone!"\n\n"Nope! It turns out that I was perfectly fine all along, and I've simply been trapped inside the Juggernog, waiting for someone to do enough damage to its armour in order for me to escape!"\n\nNow, I suppose you may be wondering why I totally lied about what happened to Tim in order to deliver a late-game twist. Well, the answer to that is that loads of people love Heavy Rain, even though it did the same thing, so I'm apparently completely exonorated for what most would call poor writing. Videogames, let's get some better standards for narratives, yeah?\n\nHowever, there's no time for extensive diabtribes about how bad David Cage is at simple storytelling, as the Juggernog has slowly climbed back up, and is out for blood!\n\nI suppose it didn't count on Coleman and Tim joining forces with a super awesome dual attack of some kind, did it?\n\n[[- Unleash Tim and Coleman's patented special attack: The VR Piledriver.]]

Combining literally one notable trait from each remaining character in the story, Tim and Coleman join forces to unleash their devastating double-team move, The VR Piledriver! \n\nStrapping on a set of VR goggles, Tim uses his newfound knowledge of additional dimensions to see what can't be seen through traditional viewing mediums, and cuts a path to safety, before leaping on the back of the Juggernog and blinding it with a set of sub-optimally calibrated VR Goggles. It starts stumbling, stunned and effectively blind... right into the path of Coleman, who uses one of wrestling's most forbidden moves - the piledriver - to paralyse the monster from the neck down... or whatever the equivalent of its neck is.\n\nThe Juggernog cannot fight you any further, and is defeated!\n\n[[Tim and Coleman have defeated the Juggernog!]]

You don't press Down in time, meaning that David Cage gets a jumping punch on you. Don't ask how that works, and certainly don't think about how his naked private region flops about while he does this. \n\nEw.\n\nStill, now he's hit you, there's an opening, so you know what you need to do! It's so intuitive that you can't possibly go wrong!\n\n[[- Press and hold L1, R2, and X for six seconds.]]\n[[- Don't press and hold those buttons. Go on, don't.]]

Oh no! You've somehow not obeyed a simple instruction, meaning that David freely clonks you on your head, knocking you over and causing you to get a more close-up look at his flopping genitals than you'd rather prefer. \n\n[[- Press Down in time.]]\n[[- Don't press Down in time.]]

You press Up in time, causing you to do a spinning leg kick. \nDavid stumbles, but swings for you again!\n\n[[- Press Down in time.]]\n[[- Don't press Down in time.]]

You continue your beat down on Mike Bithell, his hurt body not able to fight back against your pummelings, but you know that for him to truly stay down for the count, you'll need to use a move that'll keep him down for good. In fact, you'll have to use the most powerful move in your arsenal.\n\nYou'll have to use your wrestling finisher.\n\nYes, your patented wrestling finisher, harnessing all of your skills and charisma into a single move that'll leave your opponent down for any count. It really is a thing of beauty, your finisher. It's such a brilliant one, you know. If you saw it, you'd completely understand why.\n\nHowever, as you're about to lay the definitive blow, your patented wrestling finishing move, the referee counts to ten and the bell rings.\n\nThe referee has judged this match a double count-out, and so nobody has won. Unfortunately, you needed to beat Mike Bithell in order to proceed further. \n\nThe room goes quiet.\n\nThen it gets dark.\n\nColeman is unable to reach the final confrontation. \n\n[[Back to the selection hub.]]