You know. You hate yourself too. \n\nGo Back: [[Take a shower]].

I dunno, man. It's some sort of Porkymon I think. It's round and looks like a ball.\n\nLook, I know this was a bad example, just get back to the oiling thing, okay?\n\n[[- Baby oil, baby!]]

You cannot cover yourself in baby oil until you've cleaned yourself in the shower and put your wrestle clothes on. \n\nUse logic, Ass Man.\n\n[[Take a shower]].

Having been confronted by your actions and given the opportunity to bail out and change course, you decide that you'd rather love an ass your own way than someone else's way, and double-down harder than a year-long plan to have Roman Reigns stand triumphant at the end of Wrestlemania. \n\n"But... I'm the ass man" you meekly rebuttal, officially in too deep to back out. \n\n"You're a creep, and if you don't leave me alone I'm going to call the cops."\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n- Look, I think [[I can still turn this around]].\n\n- [[Bail]].

This woman's ass is so beautiful, so elegant, and so noteworthy that you slowly become consumed with jealousy.\n\nWhy isn't your ass, your defining feature as Mr Ass, as incredible and enjoyable as hers? \n\nYour inadequacy overwhelms you. Your very being is corrupted.\n\nYou must resolve. You must overcome. You must... destroy.\n\nEverything goes black.\n\nThe resulting police report is full of incidental details - how the cold weather made the impact on the pavement that much more devastating. The fact she was caught totally by surprise meant she wasn't able to protect herself from the attack.\n\nHowever, the only thing you remember, deep within your soul, is that it was easily one of the top three Fame Assers you've ever given. \n\nHopefully that can give you comfort as you wait on Death Row.\n\n\nGame Over.\n\nYou have earned -20 Ass points.\n\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].\n\n\n\n\nRespect women.

You continue washing your ass.\n\nWhen it's all done, your ass sparkles like it's a smile in a toothbrush commerical.\n\nExcept it's your ass. \n\n[[Step out the shower.]]

Dark thoughts swirl around you. \n\nDid people only care when I was a member of DX? \n\nWhy do so many people tell me to "suck it"?\n\nWhy couldn't I have preferred something other than butts?\n\nAm I the butt?\n\nIs the true Mr Ass not my preference for asses, but an indictment of my very character?\n\nIs this a stupid gimmick?\n\nYou grimace.\n\nAs much as you wish to, you cannot kick your own ass.\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

A wrestler's gear is the most important thing they can possibly have.\n\nApart from skill.\n\nAnd talent.\n\nAnd charisma.\n\nAnd stamina.\n\nAnd a great gimmick.\n\nYours is Mr Ass.\n\nYou're an ass man.\n\nYou put on your wrestling gear, the all important key to your identity. \n\nIt's a pair of wrestling trunks with the words MR ASS emblazoned across the rear, with a full pair of lips, which is weird because at no point in your theme song does it mention that you love to kiss asses. If anything, the themeing of this gear is wildly out of wack and someone should have sent this thing back to the designer several times before picking something more appropriate to the identity of someone who calls themselves Mr Ass. \n\nAlas, it's too late to get new ones, so they'll have to do. \n\nRight, what's next?\n\n[[- Baby oil, baby!]]\n\n[[- Time to hit the arena!]]

You are Billy Gunn. For years, you have wrestled for the WWE and across the world and made a name for yourself. You're not quite in the echelons of history, but you were in D-Generation X at least once, which means loads of people often tell you to "suck it!" while pointing to their crotch in the street. \n\nYou're not 100% sure if this is revelry, or hatred. \n\nWhile your star has waned recently, a new opportunity has presented itself.\n\nWWE is celebrating 25 years of Monday Night Raw, the longest running episodic TV show in US history, on the USA Network. \n\nYou have been asked to make a celebratory return.\n\nTonight, finally, you will relive your dreams.\n\nYou will reunite the world with [[Billy Gunn, Ass Man]].

"'Cause I'm an ass man!" You announce, as if it were the most important thing you'll ever say. \n\nThe woman sighs in a way that, to an outside observer, would appear as if she were trying to deliberately cave in her lungs in order to escape.\n\n"And you think that gives you the right to demean me by staring at me, objectifying me, then yelling at me in the middle of the street?"\n\n"Well... yeah, I'm an ass man..."\n\nThe woman, whose name you still haven't asked for, and who now probably wouldn't give it to you if you did, attempts to take in the vast magnitude of what you just said. Her resulting sigh echoes across realities, causing parallel versions of herself who were fortunate enough to miss this chance encounter to shudder sympathetically. \n\n"You're an ass, man."\n\n"Yeah! I'm an-"\n\n"You're an asshole. You don't think I have enough to deal with without you ruining my day as well?"\n\nPerhaps your perplexed face is due to the fact that you'd never considered how your boorish self aggrandisation really does affect others, especially when they haven't soliticed or encouraged it.\n\nPerhaps it's because the sexual politics of your gimmick were tired and dated even back in 2002, even (or especially) when they had you pretend to be one of the gays for a while, and as such you're genuinely incapable of understanding your own wrongdoings, or why a women wouldn't necessarily be swooning over a man drenched in baby oil accosting them in January. \n\nRegardless of the reasoning, your facial expression is that of perplexion as you consider carefully how to proceed. \n\nAn employee at Telltale Games notices your conversation, and, as if somehow completely understanding of your moral dilemma, continues on his way to make their next hit episodic adventure, full of difficult decisions and carefully crafted and unique story choices, having been newly inspired by your plight. \n\n\nWhat do you do next?\n\nSay "But... I'm the Ass Man" meekly, [[as if to offer a counter-argument]].\n\n[[Dude, bail. You can't win this.]]\n\n[[Explain that she's got this all wrong and you're not a bad person. After all, you pretended to be a gay man for a while for reasons, and that means that you can sympathise with not just her plight, but the plight of all people different to you.]]

At first that Voltorb thing was just a weird comparison, but now you're reminded of all the nostalgia of when them Porkymens first came out. It was right around the time you were part of D-Generation X, that rag-tag group of scoundrels who took wrestling by storm, then faded into the annals of history, never to be remembered again.\n\nYou fish out an old Game Boy, replace its batteries, and figure you'll have plenty of time to catch one before you need to leave for the wrestling.\n\nHowever, catching shinies is ridiculously difficult and chance-based even if you follow an online walkthrough, and by the time you realise this, it's tomorrow and you've missed the 25th Anniversary of Monday Night Raw, the longest running episodic TV show in America's history. \n\nYou earned 9/60 Ass points, and no shiny Voltorbs.\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

As much as you believe you have the time to explain all of your incredible accolades from your time as a wrestle man, you're running late! \n\nBefore you can make your grand entrance as Mr Ass, the Ass Man, you need to do the following:\n\n- [[Take a shower]].\n- [[Get changed into your wrestle clothes.]]\n- [[Cover yourself in baby oil.]]\n- [[Make your way to the venue.]]\n- [[Talk to your boss, Mr McMahon.]]

Realising that nothing in your repetoire of wit can turn this conversation around, you mumble something about being sorry if she was offended by your actions, and then scurry sheepishly to the arena, where you're about to make your grand return to the world of wrestling. \n\n- [[Let's go see the boss, it's wrestle time]]!

If you gaze too long unto the abyss, the abyss will gaze unto you.\n\nIt's also the same with asses.\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

Now you've cleaned your ass, the most important part of your cleanliness schedule is over. \n\nYou step out the shower, towel yourself off, and make your way to the master bedroom. \n\nNow, what was the next thing you were meant to do?\n\n[[- Put on your wrestle gear.]]\n\n[[- Baby oil, all over yourself.]]\n\n[[- Get to the arena, it's wrestle time!]]

Can you truly flaunt that which does not belong to you?\n\nUnfortunately, this question may be beyond the remit of a man whose greatest quality is his ass, not his capability to philosophically intrepret the possibilities of non-self flaunting. \n\n[[- Kick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Stick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Don't do it, man. Please.]]

You begin to give a passionate plea to Vince McMahon about the importance of you being "Mr Ass" tonight, and how this is your best opportunity to make true wrestling history and become a legend remembered in the echelons of time. \n\nHowever, in the midst of your impassioned speech, you may have forgotten your place a little.\n\n"Now listen here, dammit!" spits Vince, a man who has repeatedly tried to pitch incest storylines. "You're going to go out there and do the DX thing, or you're not going out there at all!"\n\n[[Swallow your pride and be part of yet another DX reunion]].\n\n[[You're gonna kick 'em]].

Angered by the lack of movement from that last shove, you decide to teach your pesky ass a lesson or two, and shove it harder. \n\nWhen it doesn't budge, you shove your ass even harder, causing you to lose your footing.\n\nIn future stories, people will tell of the most brutal Fame Asser you ever gave: the one to the shower floor, shattering your spine, ribs, and your ass.\n\nYou have died.\n\nYou have earned 4/60 Ass Points.\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

\nSeveral years later, you disappear and are never heard from again. \n\nThe only traces of you left behind are a DX tee, some jeans, and a clean pair of wrestling trunks with the words "Mr Ass" emblazoned across them, serving as a tiny footnote in the history of WWE, and therefore all wrestling across the world.\n\n\nAnd so ends the Ballad of Billy Gunn, formerly known as an Ass Man.\n\n\nYou earned a total of 53 Asschievement Points. \n\n\nIf only you could have made true history.\n\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

From now until the end of the story, you may be confronted with situations where you will only be able to take actions in correspondance to your hit theme song "Ass Man".\n\nIf it helps, you can [[check the lyrics to the song here]].\n\nYour actions will help influence how well the return of Mr Ass will go. \n\nGodspeed, Mr Ass.\n\nTake me [[back to the shower]].

You try to shove your ass.\n\nUnfortunately, nothing seems to happen.\n\n\n[[Shove your ass again, but harder this time.]]\nOr\nGo [[back to the shower]].

If there's one thing you've learned throughout your many, many years of being a man obsessed with posteriors, it's the old adage "so many asses, so little time".\n\nAs such, you have a strict code of ass interaction. As much as you're a lover of every kind, it has been decreed that a little tight one can stop you on the dime.\n\nHaving performed your analytic scan and judging the ass to be at least 85% tight and of a petite enough size, you engage in the corresponding action. \n\nAfter all, you are an ass man.\n\nDespite your subtle actions, the woman is now aware that you have not only ogled her bahonka, but that you've also turned around to continue facing it in response.\n\nFor you, this is a fine ass.\n\nFor her, this is probably yet another creepy pervert checking her out when she's just trying to get through her day. \n\nShe stops, turns, and glares at you. \n\n"Excuse me, can I help you?" she asks, pointedly.\n\nHow do you respond?\n\n"[[I love to love them]]!"\n\n"[[I'm an ass man]]!"\n\n[["Sorry, I just realised how completely inappropriate my actions were just then. In the age of #metoo and a greater public awareness of how women are negatively treated as sex objects in media, it's up to figureheads like me to think critically about our actions and how they can affect others. I for one, have realised my folly and will rescind my poor attitude. I only hope you can forgive me in time, but I will do my best to change from this point on and do my best to respect you and all women. Also I voted for Hilary."]]

Well, now your ass is clean, it's time to hit the arena for Raw 25, the anniversary of the longest-running episodic TV show in US history!\n\nAs you trot outside, you notice two things.\n\nIt's cold, and everyone is staring at you.\n\nIt's cold, because you've stepped outside in late January with no clothes on.\n\nEveryone is staring at you because you have no clothes on.\n\nAt least everyone gets to see your perfectly clean ass before you're arrested for indecent exposure, then die of frostbite. \n\nYou have earned 7/60 Asschievement points.\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].\n\n

You flaunt your ass. \n\nDamn, that's a nice ass.\n\nI guess that's why you're the Ass Man.\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

You watch her ass. \n\nIt is an ass, attached to a woman's body.\n\nA woman who has an ass. Who is walking by.\n\nLook... don't... don't make me describe this further.\n\n[[- Stop yourself on the dime.]]\n\n[[- The best surprises always sneak up from behind.]]

You are confronted in the mirror by your ass. \n\nWhat would you love to do?\n\n[[- Love it.]]\n[[- Kick it.]]\n[[- Shove it.]]\n[[- Stick it.]]\n[[- Flaunt it.]]\n[[- Watch it]].\n[[- Pick it.]]\n[[- Wash it.]]

With your wrestling trunks on and more baby oil than your body knows what to do with, you step outside and begin to make your way to the wrestling arena. \n\nLuckily, the baby oil acts as a natural insulation against the cold January air, allowing you safe passage.\n\nHowever, along with below-freezing temperatures, there's also trouble in the air. \n\nYou ignore it at first, but as you continue on the path to your dreams, you come across your folly.\n\nA pretty woman walks past you.\n\nA pretty woman with an ass.\n\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n[[- Watch her ass.]]\n\n[[- Stop yourself on the dime.]]\n\n[[- The best surprises always sneak up from behind.]]\n

You attempt to explain that, contrary to your behaviour thus far, you aren't actually just an ass-crazed fiend because you also spent a not insignificant amount of time in your career pretending that you wanted to have sex with the ass of a man instead of a woman. Surely, this charitable act of pretending to want to do a sex on a man to such a point that you also tricked people into setting up a wedding ceremony for you before revealing your elaborate ruse proves that you're not what she thinks you are.\n\n"You're worse than a creep, and I hope you never find love. If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to mace you and call the cops."\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n- I think [[I can still turn this around]].\n\n- [[Bail]].

Realising that this woman is some sort of stuck up feminist, your interest in persuing her ass diminishes. \n\nAfter all, you know exactly how it feels to be ogled by these types of women. When they walk behind you, you feel the heat, and that's why the girls don't walk behind you down the street. Or at least, that's what you reason to yourself. \n\nYou leave the encounter without saying another word, and make your way to the wrestling arena, where you will once again show to the world why you, Mr Ass, are the greatest wrestler to have ever lived. \n\n- [[Let's go see the boss, it's wrestle time]]!

You square up against Vincent Kennedy McMahon.\n\nYou're going to kick his ass.\n\n"You're going to regret this, pal" assures Vince, a man who once feuded with God and fought against him in a wrestling match. \n\n"Your lies won't give away the truth of how I feel", you utter, darkly.\n\nHe attacks you, but he makes a fatal error; he has attacked your buns of steel. \n\n"What... what are you?" He simpers, preparing for his retribution.\n\n"That's simple, Vince..." You smile.\n\n"...I'm an ass man!" You shout, victoriously, as you proceed to land your finishing move, the Fame Asser, on your 72 year-old boss, his face planting into the floor below beneath your buns of glory. His body twitches slightly, having just been thrown to the floor with the full force of a man's ass, before flattening out on the ground below. \n\nYou march over to the curtain, where the production crew are confused as to their next move in the absence of Vince McMahon, who is lying in a pool of his own hubris mixed with your plentiful baby oil.\n\n"What music are we playing for you, Mr Gunn?"\n\n\n\nMaybe you shouldn't have attacked your boss like that. There could be repercussions, and maybe the safest way to recover from this incident is to... [[Swallow your pride and be part of yet another DX reunion]].\n\nOr\n\n[[Be who you were born to be. You are an ass man.]]

You wisely (and correctly) realise that sneaking up behind an unsuspecting woman and doing -anything- to her is not safe. For her, or you. After all, you need to make sure you get to the arena on time, and being the subject of a sexual harassment suit will probably put a damper in your career. \n\nIf you're going to make a woman feel objectified, you're at least going to do it in a way that makes sure she's aware of it.\n\n\n[[- Stop yourself on the dime.]]

There are like, three more things you have to do before you do that.\n\nWhy not [[Take a shower]]?

"I'm an ass man!" you shout at her, smiling broadly. \n\n"What?" She responds, incredulously.\n\n"I'm an ass man!" you repeat, somehow louder. "Yeah!" you add, as a flourish. \n\n"Why are you telling me this?"\n\nYou pause in thought. \n\nEverything so far has come down to this. This is perhaps the most important decision you will make thus far in this journey, and will almost certainly be the toughest choice you'll have to deal with today.\n\nEverything is riding on what you say next. Your dreams, aspirations, asspirations, perspirations, and future will almost definitely ride on what you say next.\n\nThink carefully. This could change everything.\n\n\n\n\n\n"'[[Cause I'm an ass man]]!" \n\n"[[Yeah, I'm an ass man]]!" \n\n

"Yeah, I'm an ass man!" You bellow, as if it was to be the most important thing that ever leaves your lips. \n\n\nThe woman sighs in a way that, to an outside observer, would appear as if she were trying to deliberately cave in her lungs in order to escape.\n\n"And you think that gives you the right to demean me by staring at me, objectifying me, then yelling at me in the middle of the street?"\n\n"Well... yeah, I'm an ass man..."\n\nThe woman, whose name you still haven't asked for, and who now probably wouldn't give it to you if you did, attempts to take in the vast magnitude of what you just said. Her resulting sigh echoes across realities, causing parallel versions of herself who were fortunate enough to miss this chance encounter to shudder sympathetically. \n\n"You're an ass, man."\n\n"Yeah! I'm an-"\n\n"You're an asshole. You don't think I have enough to deal with without you ruining my day as well?"\n\nPerhaps your perplexed face is due to the fact that you'd never considered how your boorish self aggrandisation really does affect others, especially when they haven't soliticed or encouraged it.\n\nPerhaps it's because the sexual politics of your gimmick were tired and dated even back in 2002, even (or especially) when they had you pretend to be one of the gays for a while, and as such you're genuinely incapable of understanding your own wrongdoings, or why a women wouldn't necessarily be swooning over a man drenched in baby oil accosting them in January. \n\nRegardless of the reasoning, your facial expression is that of perplexion as you consider carefully how to proceed. \n\nAn employee at Telltale Games notices your conversation, and, as if somehow completely understanding of your moral dilemma, continues on his way to make their next hit episodic adventure, full of difficult decisions and carefully crafted and unique story choices, having been newly inspired by your plight. \n\n\nWhat do you do next?\n\nSay "But... I'm the Ass Man" meekly, [[as if to offer a counter-argument]].\n\n[[Dude, bail. You can't win this.]]\n\n[[Explain that she's got this all wrong and you're not a bad person. After all, you pretended to be a gay man for a while for reasons, and that means that you can sympathise with not just her plight, but the plight of all people different to you.]]

Gross, dude.\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

You can't leave home without a clean ass. As Mr Ass, your ass must be the [[ambassador]] to all asses everywhere.\n\nYou take your clothes off and get in the shower. \n\nAs you wash, you stare at yourself in the full-length mirror directly across from your shower. \n\n[[You notice your ass]].\n\n

You stick your ass with a bunch of shampoo, lathering it in lots of lovely suds. \n\n[[Continue cleaning your ass.]]\nOr\n[[Stick your sticky ass to the side of the shower.]]

You love her ass.\n\nYou covet it. \n\nYou want to cook it breakfast in the morning, brew it some tea, and then make like Shawn Michaels in a restaurant and make love to it in 6 of the 7 continents. \n\nIt is truly a magnificent ass.\n\nIf you were capable of loving anything more, you would divert that love and repurpose it into extra affordable lovely statements for this ass.\n\nIt is the zenith of ass. \n\n\n\n[[- Kick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Stick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Flaunt her ass.]] \n\n- Don't do it, man. Please. \n\n

Really?\n\nUgh, okay.\n\nTaking a page from the same outdated book of social politics that lead your gimmick to becoming Mr Ass, you reason that the best surprises always sneak up from behind.\n\nAs such, you sneak up on the unsuspecting woman, and her ass. \n\n[[- Love her ass.]]\n\n[[- Kick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Stick her ass.]]\n\n[[- Flaunt her ass.]] \n\n[[- Don't do it, man. Please.]] \n\n

"You know which one to play".\n\nAs you step out, the arena is flooded with that iconic theme. Your iconic theme. The one where you tell people about all the different asses you love, and what you love to do to them.\n\nYou think about all the asses that bought you here today. You shed a single tear for them all. \n\nYou make your way to the middle of the ring. The screams from the crowd are deafening. \n\nThis is what you were waiting for. \n\n[[It was worth it]].

It's almost time to make your grand return. Once again, Mr Ass will be remembered across the annals of wrestling history. \n\nBut before you can go out there, you need to run through tonight's plan with your boss, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the man who owns WWE, thinks sneezing is a sign of weakness, and also incidentally spent years without knowing what a burrito was. \n\nAfter searching the arena for actual literal minutes, you come across the head honcho himself, holding what you assume to be a steak wrap and asking people if they have any ketchup to put on it. \n\n"Vince, thanks for having me back for the 25th Anniversary of Monday Night Raw, the longest running episodic TV show in US history."\n\n"That's alright, dammit. Play your cards right here and you could even be a part of this weekend's Royal Rumble, available on the WWE Network for $9.99, dammit!" He gaffaws.\n\n"So, what's the plan tonight, boss? I go out there, receive the glowing adoration of the crowd, and we forget about that whole drug violation I was guilty of as we usher in a new era of Mr Ass?"\n\n"What? No, dammit! Didn't you get the email? Tonight you're the one from D-Generation X! You're going to bury an up and coming tag team, and then tell everyone to suck it, dammit!"\n\n"But... I'm an Ass Man!" You meekly rebuttal in an eerily familar moment. \n\n"Not tonight you're not! Now put on a T-shirt and some jeans, and make Triple-H, my son in law, look strong, dammit!"\n\nThis isn't what you were expecting at all. After all of your hardships getting to this moment, your comeback is doomed to become another cash-in, your spotlight shared with a spelling-impaired man called Road Dogg. \n\nYou have to say something.\n\nThis is not how it should end. \n\nWhat do you do?\n\n\n[[Swallow your pride and be part of yet another DX reunion]]. \n\n"[[Vince, I'm going to go out there as Mr Ass. I'm Mr Ass. They paid to see Mr Ass. The future of you, me, and this company relies on me being Mr Ass. My Ass is going to go to the Royal Rumble, and I'm going to win it and go to Wrestlemania and bring glory and pride back to my name. My name being Mr Ass. And if you don't like it, I've got two words for ya...]]"

"I love to love them!" you shout at her, smiling broadly. \n\n"What?" She responds, incredulously. \n\n"I... I love to love them!" You repeat, less assured.\n\n"You... love to... love...?"\n\nYou nod in the affirmative. \n\n"What?"\n\nYou pause in thought. The next thing you say could make or break this conversation.\n\nIn fact, it could make or break your entire reality.\n\nEverything swirls around you. You can faintly hear what sounds like boss fight music, which is, of course, your theme tune with some increased bass. \n\nIt feels like this is going to be the most important decision you will ever make. Answering incorrectly could be the end of civilisation as you know it. \n\nYou pause, deep in thought, wary that a false move could spell disaster.\n\nWhatever you do, don't mess this up.\n\n\n\n\n"[[Yeah, I'm an ass man]]!"\n\n"'[[Cause I'm an ass man]]!" \n\n

Several days later, you enter the Royal Rumble, available on the WWE Network for $9.99, and become the last man standing, guaranteeing your main event presence at Wrestlemania.\n\nSoon, the big day approaches, and you do battle with Brock Lesnar, a man who is so dangerous that bears have to teach each other how to survive in the event of a wild Brock attack. \n\nHowever, he soons succumbs to the power of your ass. Just like everyone before him, and just like everyone after him.\n\nTales of your legend will soon pass into folklore, as you become one of the most remembered and greatest wrestlers of all time. \n\nAnd wherever you go, your song is sung.\n\nBecause, Billy Gunn, you are an ass man.\n\n\nThe End.

I'm an ass man!\nYeah I'm an ass man!\n\nI love to love 'em!\nI love to kick 'em!\nI love to shove 'em!\nI love to stick 'em!\nLove to flaunt 'em!\nI love to watch 'em!\nI love to pick 'em!\nAnd I'm gonna kick 'em!\n\nCause I'm an Ass Man!\nYeah, I'm an Ass Man!\nYes I'm an Ass Man!\nI'm an Ass Man!\n\nSo many asses, so little time\nA little tight one, can stop me on the dime\nI'm a lover, of every kind\nThe best surprises always sneak up from behind\n\nI'm an Ass man!\nYeah; I'm an Ass man!\nYes I'm an Ass man!\nI'm an Ass Man!\n\nBuns of glory,\nBuns of steel,\nYour lies won't give away the truth of how I feel\n\nYou walk behind me,\nI feel the heat,\nThat's why the girls don't walk behind me down the street\n\nI'm an Ass man!\nYeah; I'm an Ass man!\nYes I'm an Ass man!\n\nI love to love 'em!\nI love to kick 'em!\nI love to shove 'em!\nI love to stick 'em!\nLove to flaunt 'em!\nI love to watch 'em!\nI love to pick 'em!\nAnd I'm gonna kick 'em!\n\nI'm an Ass man!\nYeah; I'm an Ass man!\nYes I'm an Ass man!\n\n-------------------------\n\nOkay, we good?\n\nYes, take me [[back to the shower]].

You attempt to talk to your boss, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the owner of WWE.\n\n"Hey Vince, how's it going?"\n\nSilence echoes throughout the room, as he is not present, and you are all alone. \n\nYou decide to call him.\n\nAfter several rings, you hear his familiar voice.\n\n"What the hell do you want, can't you see I'm busy, dammit!"\n\nA robotic tone takes over.\n\n"If you've like to leave a message, press 1."\n\nYou decide it's best to do something else first. \n\nAfter all, talking to the boss can wait.\n\n[[You are wrestling in its purest form]].

No, that can't be right. It'd get all inside your clothes and make everything all sticky and gross. \n\nEw, even the thought of it is icking me out.\n\n[[- Put on your wrestle gear.]]\n\n[[- Get to the arena, it's wrestle time!]]

Yes, you're Mr Ass. The Ass Man. \n\nYour thing is that you really like Asses. \n\nYou walk to the ring telling everyone that you're Mr Ass, and that you're an Ass Man. \n\nWhen you make your entrance, a song specifically made about you starts blaring through the speakers, telling everyone that you're an Ass Man, and [[all the things that you love to do to asses]].\n\nYou have a finisher called the Fame Asser, where you sit on a man's head with your ass until they fall down. \n\n[[You are wrestling in its purest form]].

Now your ass is nice and clean, and your trunks that have "Mr Ass" emblazoned on them in big letters have been used to clothe you, it's time for the next, very delicate step.\n\nCarefully, you pull out 6 whole bottles of baby oil, making sure to slather them all over every pore of your body, until you're shinier than a rare [[Voltorb]].\n\nAren't you glad you took that shower?\n\nNow you're all oiled up, it's time for the next step in your plan for wrestling domination.\n\n[[- Get to the arena, it's almost the wrestling hour!]]\n\n[[- Try to catch a shiny Voltorb.]]

INVALID COMMAND.\n\nSorry, this is not a lyric in the hit theme song Ass Man, and thus this action cannot be performed.\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

You decide to hit the arena!\n\nYou step outside, but notice that something is amiss.\n\nPerhaps it's because you've stepped outside in late January, but you can't help but feel incredibly cold.\n\nWith the insulation of gallons of baby oil, your body freezes before you're able to go inside to rectify your mistakes. \n\nBefore you shatter into tons of freezy pieces, you hear someone telling you to "suck it!". \n\nNow you're a freezy pop, maybe you can tell them to suck it, instead.\n\nBut you can't, because you're frozen and dead.\n\n\nYou earned 9/60 Asschievement points. \n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

You cannot. Stop trying. \n\nPlease. \n\n- [[Bail]].

You love your ass.\n\nIt's a nice ass. \n\nCould it perhaps, be the finest ass you've ever met?\n\n\n\nGo [[back to the shower]].

Okay...\n\nYou, a muscular, baby oiled wrestle man, go up to a complete stranger and her ass, and stick it.\n\nUnsurprisingly, this is not a good idea. \n\nShe shrieks in shock, maces you, and every bystander nearby helps restraint you (albeit with great difficulty due to all the baby oil) until the police arrive to arrest you for sexual assault. \n\nIn the commotion, you can only find yourself uttering "but I'm... I'm the ass man".\n\nThis statement does not help you, and is used against you in court. \n\n\nGame over.\n\nYour attitude needs Assistance. \n\nGo back to the [[Start]].\n

You do that.\n\nBecause you're Mr Ass, and if there's one thing you love, it's that you love to stick 'em. \n\n'em being asses, that is. \n\nSo, you stick your ass to the side of the shower. \n\nAfter enough time for it to stop being amusing to you, you attempt to unstick your ass. \n\nHowever, years of perfecting those tight glutes and minutes of shampoo contact have caused a perfect seal clasping you to the side of the shower. \n\nThere is no escape. Attempting to leave will surely rip your skin off, ruining your perfect ass forever. Waiting until those sweet cheeks lose their lustre will cause you to starve to death long before that could ever happen. \n\nYou will die here. You will never achieve your wrestling dream.\n\nYou have scored 6/60 Ass Points. \n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

[[Take a shower]] first. You don't want to show off your unclean ass to the world, after all!

This will be important later.

You consider your options carefully.\n\nAfter all, this is the man who signs your paycheques, and you wouldn't even be here tonight if it wasn't for him. \n\nBesides, going out and doing yet another DX reunion is an easy money maker. You can go out there, say a few words, and ride the merchandise train for another few years. \n\nYou head to the locker room with the jeans and t-shirt you've been provided, put them on, and wait by the curtain until your entrance.\n\nWell, your shared entrance with Road Dogg, who'll speak more than you tonight, and will go back to his job of telling wrestling fans on Twitter that their opinions are wrong. \n\nThis doesn't feel right.\n\nYou go out to the cheers of the crowd, but they're not as strong as they could have been. \n\nPart of you feels like you're holding back - as if your true self has been squandered. \n\n[[Maybe Vince was right, and the world didn't need the Ass Man after all]].\n