If there's one thing that fans enjoy, it's a good payoff to a storyline. In your eyes, it's also preferably one where someone has to vacate a championship belt afterwards. \n\nSo, when you briefly skim a Buzzfeed listicle about things wrong with last year's Wrestlemania, you notice that people didn't quite like how the WWE Championship match went down.\n\nThere wasn't enough time.\n\nThere were weird things projected onto the mat that make no sense.\n\nRandy Orton was accompanied to the ring by a jerky sperm snake.\n\nYou figure that none of that will do, and you're resolved to give them the extra ten minutes that they deserved... right in the middle of the AJ vs Nakamura match.\n\nWhile AJ has Nakamura in the Calf Crusher, a move that makes vegans wince, Randy slowly makes his way to the ring, accompanied by a horde of actual literal snakes.\n\nThen, Bray Wyatt comes out, exactly the same as before, as if he'd never been thrown into the Lake of Reincarnation during the Ultimate Deletion and sent off to have his gimmick redone.\n\nSince you didn't tell AJ and Nakamura about this, the entire match becomes a cluster, which ends when Orton pins Wyatt at the same time that Nakamura gets the count on AJ Styles.\n\nNakamura is now officially crowned, but nobody knows if he has to share it with Orton now.\n\nIn the pandemonium that follows, give yourself 5 Russo Points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Honestly, it probably doesn't really matter who wins this. All they'll get is a trophy and a vague push for about 4 weeks before it becomes a weird footnote in the annals of wrestling history, and who cares about that, right?\n\nSod it, Mickie James or someone wins.\n\nYou have earned 1 Russo point, but only because it's not Bayley or Sasha Banks.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Roman and Brock go at it like a big dog versus a beast, because that's exactly what they are, when you think about it.\n\nDespite all of his best attempts, including at least three Superman Punches and two spears, Roman is unable to put away the beast. Instead, Brock lifts him up and puts him down for the count with a single F5 finishing move.\n\nThe entire arena is shocked. Nobody expected the Big Dog to lose. This was supposed to be his coronation... again.\n\nYou've successfully swerved the WWE Universe in a way they didn't expect, but you've also drawn the ire of your boss, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.\n\n"Dammit, you knew that Roman was supposed to go over!"\n\n"Suck it bro, it's over now, whatcha gonna do?"\n\nYou leave the arena and go to sleep after a hard night's work.\n\nWhen you dream, that's when Vince McMahon strikes, entering your dreams like Freddy Kruger with a vengance, and kills you so bad that you die in real life.\n\nYou lose 2 Russo points, because quite frankly, you knew Roman was supposed to go over, so you kind of deserve this one.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Despite Vince McMahon's warnings, the allure of the cube is too much to handle. You just know in your cold, black heart that with this Dream Dimensional Flux you could easily go back in time and fix everything - the closure of WCW, getting fired from WWE, getting fired from TNA, getting fired from TNA, getting fired from TNA. All of it could be gone in the blink of an eye. \n\nYou wouldn't need to write this year's WrestleMania, because you could be writing all of them.\n\nYou've decided - you're going to fix everything, and you need the cube to do it.\n\nCackling manically, you unleash the extent of your powers and attempt to go back in time to fix everything. \n\nYou can feel your body changing, those years of sitting on Twitter and calling people 'Marks' just oozing off of you. You feel sleeker... sexier even.\n\nIt's a whole new adventure for you, and a whole new [[Start]]. \n

As you look up and down the card, you slowly realise something that's bothering you: there are way too few matches with weird stipulations!\n\nHow is anyone going to be able to stay awake for 7 hours of wrestling, let alone when it's all just regular singles matches? Blergh, bro.\n\nYou need to spruce this card up, and quick! \n\nYou have just the thing for it, as well. \n\nWhen AJ and Nakamura are finally in the ring, that's when you drop in the electric steel cage, meaning that the two have to fight in a cage that also has some electric running through it.\n\nIt's a total mess in the way only you can create, and when the constant electric shocks cause AJ's injured leg to jerk awkwardly and kick himself in the face, you get 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You feel like he really needs this one. It's not exactly the heist of the century, but you figure the dude kind of needs a win after battle multiple knee injuries, being forced to come back as a heel, and then being forced into the SHIELD and 6 months of tag team matches against Sheamus and Cesaro.\n\nIn a rare moment of kindness, you allow Seth to cleanly pick up the 1-2-3 and the title belt, giving him the Grand Slam he rightfully deserves.\n\nYou have earned 1 Russo point, because of all the things you meant to swerve, people didn't expect it to be their hearts.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Sick of the taunting, The Undertaker finally appears. Some may think his appearance was obvious, seeing as Kid Rock came out and started playing his theme for the Deadman apropo of nothing, but them's the breaks, kid. \n\nResplendent in his American Badass get-up, the Undertaker dodges the weird question of how he could come back when he left all his stuff in the ring last year.\n\nNaturally, John Cena and The Undertaker brawl, but there's one thing that you need to keep in mind.\n\nDespite the two times it's happened, The Undertaker never loses at Wrestlemania.\n\nTwo Last Rides and a count of three later, the Deadman steps back on his motorcycle and drives away, leaving John Cena with another big match loss.\n\nYou get 1 Russo point, but maybe that was the best you could do with the build you were given. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

With your wrestling shorts and your baby oil already applied, there's only one obstacle in the way between you, Billy Gunn - a man whose wrestling gimmick is that he really likes bums, which is where poop likes to come out - and true glory on the biggest wrestling stage of them all, the WrestleMania. \n\nThat obstacle being that you actually haven't been invited to attend. \n\nI mean, you were so sure that you were going to be invited to come and wrestle on the grandest stage of them all, where the thrillride never stops. So sure in fact, that you didn't even attempt to buy a ticket to the show. Your phone hasn't rung once, which is odd, because you're sure that any second now, it will.\n\nAfter all, you're Billy Gunn, and your thing is that you like derrières: a gimmick that still has astounding relevance in this day and age. \n\nThere's only one thing for it, you're going to have to:\n- [[Phone your boss and plead for a place on the show.]]\n- [[Storm into the building and demand the main event slot]].

It seems like you're not quite getting through to the CEO of WWE here, and you need a new plan, sharpish. \n\nPerhaps challenging Vince McMahon to a fight will work?\n\nI mean, it could. After all, you were the WCW World Heavyweight Champion once. Granted, you wrote yourself into becoming the Champion in a move that in no way precipitated the whole company collapsing into an expensive mess, and you're not sure you actually did any wrestling or fighting at any point...\n\nPlus, you cried to the police that one time and got a restraining order against Jim Cornette because he still hasn't forgiven you for the times you tried to get him fired when you were working in the same company...\n\n...But regardless! You're resolved to your new plan of fighting a 72 year old man who in the last year has taken a Stone Cold Stunner and been headbutted by a Canadian maniac. \n\n"Well Vinnie," you smile, "if you won't give me the position, I'll have to fight you for it."\n\nYou square up to Vince, but he simply laughs in your face.\n\n"I think you're forgetting, pal, that this is my dream. And in here, I say what goes." He whispers softly in your ear, before becoming the size of a behemoth and summoning 20 Roman Reigns to surround you, each of them cocking their fists furiously. \n\n"And you also don't seem to realise that if you die in my dream, you die for real."\n\nA murderous glint appears in his eyes as a single Undertaker appears in front of you, rolling his eyes into the back of his head and miming a throat slitting gesture.\n\nYou've done it now. You've gone and made a big mistake. \n\n- [[Back down, apologise, and try to run away]].\n\n- [[Try to use words to reason with Vince]].\n\n- [[Fight dream behemoth Vince McMahon and his legion of big dogs]].

I mean, they're only going to get like 5 minutes anyway, right?\n\nJust have one of them win and go back to not even being featured on Monday Night Raw weekly anymore.\n\nYou earn 1 Russo point, if only because it's a minor swerve that you didn't care enough to put a real swerve in there.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

In a match that has been building for over 6 months somehow, Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are fighting for their job against Smackdown tyrant and current hernia sufferer Shane McMahon, who is teaming with his Yes! man Daniel Bryan. \n\nIf Sami and Owens lose, they're fired from Smackdown. If they win, then Daniel Bryan's first match out of retirement with what were thought to be career-ending concussion issues will end in a loss. \n\nGood luck getting something salvagable out of this, Russo. \n\n\n- [[Daniel Bryan turns on Shane McMahon]]. \n\n- [[Shane turns on Daniel Bryan]].\n\n- [[Zayn and Owens are saved by an unlikely friend]].\n\n- [[Start an in-person feud with Kevin Owens]].\n

Tally up the points you've earned from booking the WrestleMania 34 card, and redeem them here to get your carefully-crafted, finely-honed ending worthy of a Telltale Game adventure.\n\n- [[Worst Ending (13 Points or Fewer)]]\n\n- [[Bad Ending (14-35 Points)]]\n\n- [[Good Ending (36-59 Points)]]\n\n- [[Best Ending (60-69 Points)]]\n\n- [[Secret Best Ending (70 Points)]]\n\n\n

You try to open the door politely, but it seems to be locked. \n\nMaybe they're actually just not in, and you should wait until they are?\n\nOr, maybe they're inside and just aren't opening the door. \n\nThe thing is, you need to get in there to find out if you can wrestle tonight, you're rapidly running out of time!\n\n- There's nothing for it, you're just going to have to... [[Kick the door down, ready to kick ass]].\n\n- You've not a moment to spare, you must... [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].

Every now and then, WrestleMania likes to appeal to the casual 'Marks' by having a celebrity get involved with a match or two to put more butts in seats. \n\nThis year is no different, as some woman from the MMA people seem to like is going to take on HHH and Stephanie McMahon, the people most likely to take over the reigns of the company when Vince McMahon dies at the ripe old age of 127.\n\nThe match has been set: it's a mixed-tag match featuring the future owners of WWE versus two Olympic Medallists. \n\n- [[Ronda taps out]].\n\n- [[Make it an actual Olympic wrestling match]].\n\n- [[The match is timed out]].\n\n- [[Milkomania runs wild]].\n

If WrestleMania wants to be full of WrestleMania moments, then they usually have a celebrity who has no business being there do something cool and come out on top. You know what beats that? Having a celebrity with at least two weeks of wrestling experience win.\n\nHence, David Arquette. Besides, you know for a fact that David Arquette was more over as WCW Champion than Kevin Owens will ever be as champ. \n\nHe holds his own against established acts. He bamboozles the Big Show, who is usually impossible to eliminate because of his size and weight. \n\nHe out smarts Woken Matt Hardy, and deletes him from the ring.\n\nHe knocks out Bray Wyatt, who has come back without fanfare, as if WWE couldn't think of anything to do with him after he was drowned in the Lake of Reincarnation during that Ultimate Deletion match.\n\nWhen the smoke clears, the lone survivor is David Arquette, who holds the trophy aloft and shouts "Please buy Ready To Rumble on VHS!"\n\nYou have earned a maximum of 5 Russo Points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

As Vince McMahon's dream body continues to slumber, the cube fills you with an immeasurable power. You can feel renewed energy coursing through your veins at an incredible pace. You're invigorated, smarter, more powerful, and the possibilities are endless.\n\nHowever, you know Vinnie's played you totally hardball. There's absolutely NO way you can resist putting anything on a pole. \n\nYou stroll up to the pole, smile gleaming. This is child's play, you think, especially considering you once put someone's mother on a fork lift. \n\nOnce you've returned the cube to its rightful place, a portal opens up nearby. A way home. Despite not needing one to get here, you definitely need one to leave, a brilliant swerve that you wish you thought of, but didn't. \n\nYou make one last glance in Vince McMahon's direction, but you don't see you. You think nothing of this as you step into the portal.\n\n- [[Wake up and prepare for WrestleMania]].

"But, Bro..." You implore, begging Vince to see the error of his ways.\n\n"What?" He responds.\n\n"Bro..." You retort.\n\n"That's a compelling argument, Vince, but it's a no from me." \n\nYour expert arguing skills are no help. You're going to have to try something different. \n\n- [[Threaten to fight Vince McMahon]].\n\n- [[Attempt to recreate 'Inception' with Vince McMahon]].

I'm going fucking over, lads!\n\nThe writer of this and the previous adventure is Ed Price, who can be found on Twitter @Jokesound. There you can experience at least a few more jokes, some of which are probably also about how silly wrestling is!\n\nAnyway, back to the [[Start]].

"Hey Vince McMahon, you total queerbo! Let me write for WrestleMania!"\n\n"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Responds Vince McMahon, clearly livid at such an accusation.\n\nWhoops, you may have come on a little bit strong there, and not in the gay way that you just accused the CEO of WWE of being.\n\nHe walks up to you, resplendant in his dream form, and starts shouting in your face, flecks of spit covering your face with each syllable.\n\n"Vince Russo, you son of a bitch, I might have known! You think you can just walk up to me in my dream world and project your insecurities onto me?!"\n\n"Bro, I swear ta gawd that-"\n\n"Now listen here, you piece of trash! I fought God, and I'm not afraid to crucify you right here and now, you little pipsqueak!" \n\n"Vince, I'm-"\n\nBefore you can finish your sentence, Vince McMahon wraps his pythonesque arms around your neck, placing you in a perfect chokehold. There seems to be no escape. Oxygen is leaving your body at an alarming pace. \n\n"I'll let you in on a little secret, pal"\n\n"Macho Man had sex with Stephanie?"\n\n"No! It's that if you die here, you die for real, pal."\n\nSlowly coming to realise this is the end, you reflect on your decisions made so far. In retrospect, you should have realised that Vincent Kennedy McMahon, a man who once relentlessly victimised a one-legged wrestler and had him pushed down a flight of stairs, would never accept your intolerant bullying.\n\nAs you breathe your last, Vince whispers "Be a STAR, dammit". \n\nSorry, bro, but you totally died. \n\nYou've earned 0 swerve points. \n\nGo back to the start of [[A Very Vince Russo WrestleMania]].\n\n

What match will you improve next?\n\nPre-Show:\n\n- [[The André The Giant Battle Royal]]\n\n- [[WrestleMania Women's Battle Royal]]\n\n- [[The Cruiserweight Championship]]\n\nMain Card:\n\n- [[The US Title Fatal Four Way Match]]\n\n- [[The Intercontinental Title Triple Threat Match]]\n\n- [[Raw Tag Team Championship Match]]\n\n- [[Smackdown Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match]]\n\n- [[Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn]]\n\n- [[The Raw Women's Championship Match]]\n\n- [[The Smackdown Women's Championship Match]]\n\n- [[Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs Triple H and Stephanie McMahon]]\n\n- [[John Cena vs The Undertaker]]\n\n- [[The WWE Championship Match]]\n\n- [[Roman vs Brock II - Electric Boogaloo]]\n\n\n--------------------------------------------\n\nOnce you've done every match, click here for the [[endings]].

You walk up to Vince McMahon, a man who once called white wrestle John Cena the N word on live television and faced no repercussions for doing so, put on your best puppy-dog eyes, and begin to plead your case.\n\n"Vince, I need to be in a match tonight. I know that you've been planning a lot of stuff, but it would make the world of difference to me if you were to allow me, Billy Gunn, the Ass Man and greatest wrestler of all time, to be on this card. I'll even join the Kiss My Ass Club if you do it." You say, as tears fill your eyes. "I'll do it because I love wrestling, and I love asses, and I could grow to love to kiss 'em, if that's what the theme song was rewritten to include".\n\n"First off, take off those puppy dog eyes, you look ridiculous, dammit!" Says Vince, unmoved.\n\nYou do so. It was kind of gross to wear them, all things considered.\n\n"Now listen here, Barney Gumble, we've already got most of this evening sorted, but if you really need to be here, then you should go talk to the head writer. Just tell 'em I sent you and you should be fine." \n\nWith that, Vince disappears as quickly as his moment of pity for you faded. However, he's given you the opening that you desperately needed. All you need to do is [[find the head writer]], and your path to WrestleMania can continue in earnest!

This is it, the big one. The biggest one, in fact. With two of the biggest stars.\n\nIn one corner, the Beast Incarnate Brock Lesnar. MMA Champion. WWE Champion. One of those IWGP Championships from Japan or whatever that you don't care about. \n\nIn the other, Roman Reigns, the big dog. The man who gets a reaction, and four consecutive main event slots at WrestleMania.\n\nYou'd think Vince McMahon wants Roman to go over, or something. In fact, he's literally told you as such, so this shouldn't be a hard one to mess up, right? \n\n- [[Everyone in the locker room comes out during a ref bump]].\n\n- [[Brock goes down after a single spear]].\n\n- [[Double down on making Roman a face with a brand new gimmick.]]\n\n- [[Brock wins]].

Look, as any smart, rational person would tell you, when you're confronted by a behemoth manifestation of your former boss, 20 identical clones of his favourite wrestler, and a man so wrapped in mystique you can't tell if he's a dream manifestation or is actually real and has the ability to go into dreams like you...\n\nWell, look, the smart thing to do would be to run. So, that's what you do.\n\nAs you make a break for it, however, the Roman Reignses all leap into the air and deliver simultaneous Superman Punches! You can't be sure, but every time you're hit you swear you can hear WWE announcer Michael Cole exclaim "Superman Punch!" with all the emphatic nature of an orgasm. \n\nAs you groggily climb to your feet, you turn to see the Undertaker has seemingly teleported right in front of you.\n\nAgain, no idea if he's doing a Freddy Kruger thing here, but it's creepy as heck.\n\nHe grabs you, flips you around, turns, and delivers an incredibly devastating Tombstone Piledriver, dropping you in a grave that you're not sure if he actually dug or if it just manifested through dream power. \n\nYour neck broken and shattered, you try to climb out of the grave, but the minor army of Romans have all turned into literal big dogs, and rapidly dug enough dirt into the grave that you're buried alive.\n\nAs the dirt fills up your lungs and makes it increasingly difficult to breathe, you see a bright light and begin to crawl towards it, your increasingly bloody fingers parting enough dirt to finally let you reach it. As you touch it, you're filled with light, and everything around you becomes unbearably bright.\n\nSuddenly, you open your eyes, and see someone offering you a hand to help you stand up!\n\nWhat a swerve! \n\nThe swerve being of course that that person is an angel and that you're now dead, bro.\n\nYou've earned 0 respect points from anyone, ever. \n\nGo back to the start of [[A Very Vince Russo WrestleMania]].

You've thought of everything you can think of, and the best course of action at this point is to show that door what for. You're going to kick its ass.\n\nYou take a run up, get ready to strike, and then...\n\nWait, do doors even have asses?\n\nAs this thought crosses your mind, you lose all power, causing you to limply thud into the door, which is unmoved by both your plight and your uncertain kicking skills. \n\nYou stand back up. Thankfully, nothing is bruised except your pride. \n\nHowever, this mistake has lead to you now understanding and knowing the best course of action. How you didn't think of it before is beyond anyone's comprehension.\n\nThe only way forward is to:\n\n- [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].\n\n- [[Give up and go home, Ass Man]].

After losing clean to the WWE Universal Champion three times and recovering from nearly as many murder attempts, it's been an odd year for Braun Strowman. Now, he's set his sights on the Raw Tag Team Titles, but he doesn't have a tag partner! \n\nHo ho ho, how silly, bro!\n\nHowever, having stipulated that the man actually needs a partner, and not having revealed who the man is, there's plenty of ways this juicy match-up could go. \n\n- [[Braun and his partner, Braun in a wig, win the Tag Team Titles]].\n\n- [[Braun wins with a literal clone of himself]].\n\n- [[Braun wins with a knocked-out Elias in his corner, thrusting them into an Odd Couple tag team]]. \n\n- [[Braun and his mystery partner lose the match]].

I mean, you might as well, right?\n\nFiguring out that a good way to send the crowd home happy at the beginning of the 7 hour long card is to have someone they like win.\n\nSo, uhh... Woken Matt Hardy wins, dooming him to a minor push before creative decide they don't want to do anything with the accolade and he goes back to losing again.\n\nYou've earned 1 Russo point for dooming a currently popular superstar back to the undercard.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

After sucking up whatever remains of your pride (and your gut), you decide that the only true course of action is to make your way to the arena and beg your boss for a slot on the grandest stage of them all.\n\nSo, after taking a short walk to the WrestleMania arena in New Orleans from whatever state it is you live in, you arrive at the place I just said. \n\nThere's no time to lose, you need to [[find your boss]]!\n\n

In your previous adventure, you had to make sure that you, Billy Gunn The Ass Man, made it relatively unscathed to the event of January 2018, Raw 25. There were trials, tribulations, and a heck of a lot of jokes about butts and how weird it was that a gimmick about being in love with asses was so endearing as to make a relatively funny choose your own adventure.\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].\n\nOr, you can play the whole experience at: http://philome.la/Jokesound/the-ballad-of-billy-gunn-ass-man\n

I don't know about you, but this WrestleMania card seems stacked, bro. I mean, there's 14 matches that have to fit on a 2 hour pre-show and a 5-6 hour main card. How is everyone even meant to get in their entrances, video packages, matches, AND their celebrations on top of that?\n\nThe short answer is that they probably can't, so you put a timer on most of the matches on the card so they can be hurried up if they're taking too long. Time's a wasting!\n\nFor the most part, this doesn't seem to be too much of an issue, but it turns out there is one match that you have to cut short, and it's the HHH and Stephanie vs Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle match.\n\nYou see, when you were making your calculations, you didn't seem to factor in that traditionally, HHH's entrances at Wrestlemania are some of the most extravagant around. In the last few years alone, he's had Stephanie wear an apocalyptic outfit and tell people they're scum, worn the metal of a Terminator King, and ridden a motorcycle to the ring with police backup. \n\nYou don't have time to fully watch his entrance this year, but you can tell it's taking too long, and it's going to cut into the match. \n\nSure enough, it does, and from HHH's grand entrance to the time out bell, only about 3 minutes of actual wrestling occurs, the match ending in a no contest and the superstars quickly ushered out of the ring so the next match can get it over with already.\n\nYou're pleased with yourself at how much time you've saved. You're less pleased, however, with all of your major bones being broken by HHH's sledgehammer. You should have realised that HHH always goes over, and never gets upstaged - especially not at WrestleMania.\n\nThe last words you hear before drifting off into permanent unconsciousness are the screams of Hunter Hurst Helmsley bellowed "Am I fucking going over yet?!".\n\nYou lose 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Trying to think of something that would easily set apart the women's battle royal from the men's, you decide to whip an old idea out from what you would consider your most successful moments as part of TNA.\n\nThat indeed being a Reverse Battle Royal. \n\nFirst, the women all start outside of the ring and have to fight outside of it, in order to get in.\n\nThen, when 7 women have entered the ring, everyone else is eliminated and it becomes a traditional over the top rope battle royal.\n\nWhen two people remain, it becomes a regular singles match.\n\nThis simple and easy to follow ruleset is something everyone can watch and enjoy.\n\nYou're sure the confused faces are pulling are just them trying to figure out why they haven't tried this genius before in the WWE. \n\nOh, and I guess Dana Brooke or Alicia Fox wins or something. \n\nYou have earned the maximum 5 Russo points for this match!\n\nBack To [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].\n

No, you fucking idiot, do the other thing!\n\n- [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].

Before the match starts, Elias is in the ring doing one of his songs. When the audience boos, Braun comes out to cheers, ready to finish the job he started when he squashed the former drifter under a grand piano in a move some would call attempted murder. \n\nHowever, before he can do so, you send out your best pal and man who gave you a job in TNA, Jeff Jarrett. Ol' Double-J comes out with his own guitar, and it looks like they're going to take on Braun together before the former TNA owner smashes his guitar on the back of Elias. Braun's mystery partner is the new WWE Hall of Famer!\n\nUnfortunately, the team fails to draw a single dime as Jeff Jarrett is defeated by a single Brogue Kick.\n\nFun fact: did you know Brogue means shoe?\n\nYou earn 1 Russo point.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]]

It took a while, and there's at least two more jokes that can be made out of this, so it's definitely happening!\n\nGo back to the [[Start]].

Spurned by his unsurety in letting you write for the most important wrestling show of the year after little more than just asking him simply, you decide that you need to unleash the big guns here. \n\nYou need to prove that not only are you the best writer around, but you're also super smart and able to best the man in a battle of wits.\n\nThus, you attempt reverse psychology.\n\n"Yeah, you're right Vince, bro, I understand that you're in a difficult position here. After all, bro, I just invaded your dreams and am demanding what is a pretty high-key job with very short notice. It could be pretty risky, I mean, what if I don't somehow create the greatest WrestleMania ever?"\n\n"That's a good point, Vince." Says Vince, in total agreement. "When you put it like that, pal, I shouldn't really give you the keys to this thing."\n\nDammit! Your reverse psychology was so good that it must have somehow flown over his head. You'll have to think of something else.\n\n- [[Hastily argue with 'But, Bro']].\n\n- [[Threaten to fight Vince McMahon]].\n\n- [[Attempt to recreate 'Inception' with Vince McMahon]].

In the interests of giving the women of wrestling another "first" in order to pretend they're undergoing a revolution, and not just side-stepping the glass ceiling deliberately put in place for over a decade, there's now a battle royal where they all go over the top rope for a trophy and a minor push until everyone forgets about them a month later.\n\nBut you know, this time for women.\n\nWhat will you do, Russo?\n\n- [[Have Ellsworth undergo a sex change and win]].\n\n- [[Have a man win, unironically]].\n\n- [[Have a hologram of the Fabulous Moolah win.]]\n\n- [[Have an actually talented prospect win]].\n\n- [[Have a reverse battle royal]]!

Congratulations, Vince Russo! You have achieved one of the most unpredictable WrestleManias ever. \n\nNearly every one of your decisions meant that there was some kind of incredible swerve, with the audience - and sometimes even the wrestlers themselves - left totally perplexed by the events being unfolded before them.\n\nYou did it, Mr Russo, you can surely call this one a RussoMania for the ages!\n\nYou take in the glory of what you've achieved:\n\n- Newspapers and websites around the world are talking about the decisions you've made. One even titled the whole thing "What the fucklemania?", you assume because they were so surprised about the whole thing!\n\n- Nobody knows what's going to happen next, ensuring great ratings for the following Monday Night Raw and Smackdown Live! \n\n- Jim Cornette became so apoplectic at the jealousy he felt at you writing a much better show than he could, that he had a heart attack off-screen somewhere. Now he'll never bother you again!\n\n- And, even better, you're now the full time head writer for WWE again, allowing you to lead the brand into a new era that people may never forget.\n\nThe End.

You wanna have a memorable WrestleMania moment?\n\nWell, do ya, bro?\n\nWhat's more memorable than having Andre the Giant himself enter the battle royal and win?\n\nNothing, that's what!\n\nThe main issue is that he's currently dead, but that's not too much of an issue, you reckon. Just slap some clothes on his skeleton, throw him in the ring, and job done.\n\nHowever, as you try to dig up his corpse, you're struck on the back of the head by the sharp end of a shovel as Jim Cornette bludgeons you to death for trying to ruin the business with necromancy.\n\nYou have lost 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Sick of the endless taunting, The Undertaker makes his way to the ring accompanied by the caterwauling of Kid Rock drunkenly making his way through the Deadman's theme song.\n\nFinally, it's on. The American Badass versus John Cena, a man who holds a doctorate in Basic Thuganomics. \n\nWhat starts off as a simple wrestling match soon becomes a bloody brawl. As in, there's blood everywhere. This isn't PG, this is becoming PG-13!\n\nHowever, what happens next definitely cements that this moment is not for the kids. \n\nSick of losing all the time recently, John Cena snaps, grabbing a steel chair from under the ring, knocking out the ref, and clobbering The Undertaker until he can't stand up anymore. \n\nOnce John Cena gets a new ref and the 1, 2, 3, he leaves triumphant as the former American Badass becomes an American Badly-Injured-and-hoping-he-has-good-medicaid.\n\nAssured that you've delivered one of the most shocking WrestleMania moments of all time, you step to the vending machines to grab a drink. This is when you are suddenly surrounded by a small horde of Make-A-Wish kids, who make-you-wish you hadn't just done that.\n\nWhen will you realise that there's a reason John Cena should never turn?\n\nLose 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

That's right! It was all a dream. What a total swerve, bro! \n\nPlease make a mental note of how much more invested you became when you suddenly learned that this was a piece of fiction that could change the rules at any time.\n\nNow, let's get the real story started, shall we?\n\n[[Trust me bro, you're going to love it]].\n\n\n\n\n

At first, it looks like Zayn and Owens have this in the bag. After all, one opponent is suffering from a hernia, and the other hasn't wrestled in nearly three years. \n\nHowever, it all starts going wrong for them the moment that Bryan gets the hot tag. First he goes for the german suplex, then the dropkicks in the turnbuckle, and then the patented It-Kicks that he stole from A-Lister The Miz. \n\nBryan prepares to do his flying knee and it looks like it's all over for the Canadian duo, when out of the crowd comes a long-time ally long forgotten: El Generico!\n\nThat's right, the average-looking Luchador has come back from looking after orphans in Mexico, and helps the downtrodden Canadians fight back against the oppressive regime of McMahon and Bryan. One Yakuza kick later, and it's all over, as Zayn and Owens are allowed to keep their jobs, and regain a friend in the process.\n\nYou win 5 Russo points from the power of friendship. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Your mission objectives updated like an iconic N64 game - your best frame of reference as a wrestler whose career didn't sustain itself much past that console's lifecycle - you head off to find the head writer, determined to plead your case.\n\nYou frantically search the entire arena from head to toe, and after at least a full minute of searching, you find a door emblazoned with the words "Head Writer".\n\nYou wonder if this could be the place.\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n- [[Knock politely on the door]].\n\n- [[Kick the door down, ready to kick ass]].\n\n- [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].

With the card as stacked as it is, there's simply not enough time to give every match a decent length and still have a satisfying conclusion. Plus, there's already going to be like three other tag matches on the card, and the other ones seem a bit more important. \n\nThus, it only makes sense to drop this match to the pre-show at the last second and give the teams an extra three minutes to play with. They'll appreciate that, you reckon.\n\nWhen you go to you pat yourself on the back for a job well done, your arm is suddenly slapped with a handcuff. \n\nTrying to fight out of it, you end up with your other arm in chains as well.\n\nTurns out that feeling wasn't paranoia, it was the Usos, and now they've thrown you into the Uso Penitentiary. You try to escape, but they've got you locked down.\n\nYou lose 2 Russo points.\n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

"It'll be a total swerve."\n\nThe mysterious figure rips around in their chair, revealing to you the dreaded mastermind behind it all.\n\nIt's Vince Russo, former head writer of WWE, WCW, WCW, WWE, TNA, TNA, and then TNA again. \n\n"Vince Russo?!" You cry, "But I thought you were fired!"\n\n"No, I'm back bro, and I'm here to stay. If you wanna be on the card, bro, you're gonna get in that women's battle royal and start rubbing your butt on all the women. Nobody will see it coming, it'll be a total swerve. Everyone will talk about it."\n\n"I mean, if it's the only way to get on the card, then..."\n\n"Then your old pal Chuck is gonna come to the rescue, and you two will start making out in the ring."\n\n"I mean, I'm not gay, but-"\n\n"What are you, a fuckin' queer, bro? Just let the dude penetrate ya a little, it'll make great ratings."\n\nYou begin to cry. It wasn't mean to happen like this... It wasn't meant to be like this at all.\n\nVince Russo laughs, his New Yoick accent permeating the air as you begin to scream yourself into madness.\n\nThere's only one thing to do:\n\n- [[Wake up from your dream]].

First, Braun Strowman enters the ring, ready to rock. After pointing behind Sheamus and Cesaro so that they look away, he runs back up the ramp and comes out again, this time wearing a wig and groucho glasses.\n\nExpecting the referee to disallow this, the tag teams are taken by surprise when this is not only allowed to continue, but they're totally squashed by the monster among men. \n\nBraun then puts the wig and glasses on the second Tag Title and walks out of the ring.\n\nBraun and the Tag Team Title with a wig on it remain undefeated until Summerslam.\n\nYou earn 5 Russo points for the sheer audacity of it all.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]]

It's one of the most anticipated women's wrestling matches ever. In one corner, the daughter of legendary wrestler Ric Flair, a man you once beat to the number one contendership to the WCW Championship.\n\nIn the other corner, it's a scary Japanese woman who could probably kick your head clean off your body if you crossed her.\n\nIt's the Empress of Tomorrow versus the Queen Charlotte Flair. Who wins? You literally get to decide.\n\n- [[Have Asuka win, then lose to a Carmella cash-in]].\n\n- [[Have Asuka lose clean]].\n\n- [[Asuka wins clean, then beats a Carmella cash-in]].\n\n- [[Asuka loses to a fluke rollup]].

The confrontation is intense, and despite each of the superstars attempting their best moves on each other, it doesn't seem like anyone is getting the upper hand. \n\nIt feels like a stalemate until Roman does that big yawn he likes to do, and unleashes a vicious spear. Brock, sensing it coming, throws the referee in the way, causing the poor striped-shirt man to be knocked out instantly. With no ref awake to do the counts, there's no way either superstar can win! \n\nIt also means there's no way the referee can stop what happens next.\n\nTired of Brock never defending the Championship except for when he's explicitly scheduled to do so on his part-time schedule, the entire roster of WWE comes out during a ref bump and physically ties the Beast Incarnate down on the canvas so that they can get a bloody shot at the belt for once.\n\nWhen the ref gets back up, he doesn't question where all the rope has come from and why the entire roster is suddenly there, but happily counts the pin in Roman's favour.\n\nOnce he's handed the belt, the entire roster holds Roman aloft and carries him around to celebrate his victory, exactly like that time everyone did it to Lex Luger after he defeated Yokozuna via count out.\n\nDespite the win being an almost foregone conclusion, you managed to make it enough of a Russo swerve that you come out of it with 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Finally deciding that enough is enough, the Undertaker appears at WrestleMania, and addresses John Cena directly, by stepping into the ring and giving him a chokeslam that the 16 time champ won't soon forget. \n\nWhile John recovers, the Undertaker grabs a microphone and says two words.\n\n"Wrestlemania 35".\n\nHe then leaves the ring as mysteriously as he entered it. \n\nWhile people were expecting the Undertaker to appear and do a match, they're kind of taken aback that all this effort was put in just to advertise a match that's not even happening until next year.\n\nTake advantage of that confusion to give yourself 3 Russo points. You've earned them. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

For the last few weeks, John Cena has been taking up valuable time on Monday Night Raw to insist that The Undertaker take part in a wrestling match at WrestleMania, a venue where the Deadman famously never loses.\n\nExcept for that one time against Brock Lesnar.\n\nAnd last year when he lost against Roman Reigns in a "Winner takes ownership of the yard" match. \n\nAnyway, he's not accepted the challenge yet, causing John Cena to attend the event as a regular guest. At this point in the card, however, he decides to get past the barriers, into the ring, and demand a match against The Undertaker.\n\nWhat happens next?\n\n- [[The Undertaker accepts the match and wins]].\n\n- [[The Undertaker accepts the match, and loses after a John Cena heel turn]]. \n\n- [[The Undertaker comes out and says yes to a match... at Wrestlemania 35]].\n\n- [[The Undertaker comes out and says no to a match]].

It's a tense match-up that looks like it's about to go down to the wire. \n\nAfter a momentary distraction caused by Carmella's entrance theme hitting, Asuka is defeated when Charlotte puts her in a small package that Paul Smackage of Grapevine, Texas would be proud of. \n\nAs you congratulate yourself on a result well-swerved, you suddenly feel your head detach from your body, as an angry Asuka kicks your head clean off.\n\nTurns out that of all the people who were not ready for Asuka, you were one of them. \n\nYou lose 2 Russo points.\n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

For some reason, people seem to care about these flipping vanilla midgets. They've been having some kind of tournament to win their weird purple belt after the last guy was kicked out for not telling the WWE he was under investigation for rape.\n\nWhoops.\n\nThis match is between two wrestlers you've never heard of, because why would you watch 205 Live - available on the WWE Network Tuesdays after Smackdown Live - when you can spend your time on Twitter telling 'Marks' why you're responsible for the Attitude Era?\n\nLook, you've got to come up with something.\n\n- [[Just have one of them win normally, I don't have time for this]].\n\n- [[Try to force former champion Neville to enter and win again]].\n\n- [[The Cruiserweights can cruiser-wait, brother! Have someone with some actual muscles enter the match and win]].\n\n- [[Have the match end in a no-contest after the entire Cruiserweight division comes out and interferes]].

It's best to kick off this journey as quickly as possible, and so you phone him the earliest that you can: on a Monday.\n\nAs the phone rings, you expect Vince to break down in tears and welcome you back to the family. After a short pause, you hear a familiar voice.\n\n"What do you want, dammit? Can't you see I'm busy here? I've got WrestleMania around the corner and tonight's Monday Night Raw! What kind of moron are you that you can't tell I don't have time for this?!"\n\n"Vince, bro, I swear ta gawd-"\n\n"Please leave a message after the beep."\n\nHis voicemail. You really should have seen it coming. \n\nDo you:\n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Tuesday]].\n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Wednesday]].\n\n- [[Appear to Vince McMahon in a dream]].

If WrestleMania wants to be full of WrestleMania moments, then what's more of a WrestleMania moment than someone who has no experience of wrestling winning a wrestling bout?\n\nPlus, it gets the WWE in the news.\n\nDuring the events of the battle royal, someone vaguely famous wins.\n\nUhh... let's say that Gronk bro comes back after getting involved last year, teams up with Mojo Rawley, and then SWERVE! Knocks him over the top rope to win!\n\nYou've earned 3 Russo points, and WWE gets some more retweets. That'll show the marks who tell you that you don't know how to write.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].\n

Figuring out that nobody will really care about any woman who actually wins the match, you decide to skim read a Wikipedia article about what the women have done in WWE in the last year. \n\nYou notice that the winner of the Women's Money In The Bank Ladder Match was actually a man with two hands and no chin named James Ellsworth.\n\nAnd if there's one thing any man with two hands can have, it's a sex change operation. \n\nPlying Ellsworth with enough money that he actually does it, Jamie Ellsworth emerges as a surprise contestant in the Battle Royal, winning when she hits her No Chin Music finisher on fan-favourite Becky Lynch, sending her over the top rope and back to the bottom of the card. \n\nAs Ellsworth holds the trophy aloft, you get a message from Vince McMahon.\n\n"Great idea Vince! You know, I actually had a similar idea, but with Ellsworth facing Charlotte for the Championship! Nice evolution of it though, dammit!"\n\nYou have earned 3 Russo points. It probably would have been 5 if Mr McMahon didn't actually legitimately pitch that before. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You knock politely on the door, again.\n\nThere's still no response. \n\nMaybe they just can't hear you? \n\n- [[Open the door politely]].\n\n- [[Kick the door down, ready to kick ass]]. \n\n- [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].

Hold on, did you mention that both Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle are former Olympic medallists?\n\nWhy did nobody mention this before?! You have a brilliant idea!\n\nAs Kurt and Ronda make their way to the ring, they're suddenly beset upon by an Olympic committee of judges, who are the temporary referees for this match.\n\nHHH and Stephanie are just as confused, having never competed in Olympic Judo or Wrestling bouts, and are easily overwhelmed by the new debutee and former painkiller addict respectively.\n\nAs the judges make their deliberations, the results are as follows:\n\nHHH Bronze. Rousey Silver. Angle Gold. Russo, 5 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

After months of intense rivalry between them, the Usos and The New Day managed to put it besides them... for about two months until creative realised that they hadn't built any other worthy competitors to the titles and threw The New Day back into the scene. Then they also added in some people who carry a hammer, bro. \n\nHowever, you know you can do better than those lazy 'Marks', and have a memorable tag match to remember.\n\n- [[Have the Usos win, but drop the match to the pre-show at the last second]]. \n\n- [[The New Day win, but then turn on each other]]. \n\n- [[Have the Bludgeon Brothers win thanks to interference from your greatest new gimmick]].\n\n- [[Add in the Fashion Police at the last second and have them win instead]].

As Dream Behemoth Vince McMahon looms over you imposingly, you look each other straight in the eyes. All of a sudden, as if you suddenly understand everything, your eyes widen.\n\n"I suddenly understand everything!" you exclaim, giving the game away.\n\nYou start growing to epic proportions, almost level with Vince McMahon himself. The Roman Reignses are no longer any match for you - 20 big dogs have now become little nippers, unable to make a dent on your ankles.\n\n"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DAMMIT?" Screams Dream Behemoth Vince McMahon.\n\n"If this is a dream, then the laws of reality don't apply, so I can take advantage of the dreamscape too, bro!" You shout.\n\nReaching your arms out as if to summon Thor's mighty hammer, you receive something much, much better. Whistling through the air at the speed of sound are your magical trinkets, the weapons that will lead you to glory. \n\nThat's right, the helmet, jersey, and bat that helped you win your WCW Championship Title match against Booker T, a match that was so famous and acclaimed that they had to shut WCW down not long afterwards, the company having reached its nadir on that night.\n\nYou square up to your would-be boss and current boss fight, pull your bat back as if to swing...\n\nAnd get speared by a giant dream Goldberg, who does so with such intensity that you both burst through Dream Behemoth Vince McMahon, taking him down in a single hit. \n\nYou slowly stumble back to your feet and peer at the wreckage that lies beneath you - the slowly shrinking husk of Vince McMahon.\n\n"Dammit" he coughs, "you know I'm a 72 year old man, right?" he inquires, as he slowly begins to help himself up off of the ground, only to stumble and fall back down.\n\n"Well bro, let me tell ya bro, you took that headbutt from Kevin Owens like a champ, so I figured you could withstand it." You say.\n\n"That is a fair point, I guess."\n\n"David Arquette was more over than Kevin Owens will ever be."\n\n"What was that?!"\n\n"Nothing" you lie.\n\n"Russo, I have to say, to attack an old man like that, just for the chance to write for WrestleMania, I gotta say, you have balls."\n\nYou successfully realised that the best way to persuade Vincent Kennedy McMahon, a man who has tried to legit wrestle multiple superstars while on planes (including Olympic Gold Medallist Kurt Angle), was to actually engage in him combat. At least, that's what you're going to tell anyone who'll listen. \n\nAs Vince coughs blood, you see him pull a giant energy cube out of his torso.\n\n"Vince" says Vince, "this energy cube is the Dream Dimensional Flux. Take it and place it back on the pedestal-"\n\n"Where's the pedestal?" you ask.\n\n"It's over there... on that pole..." Vince points. "I thought you'd like that little detail" he smirks, before coughly weakly. "When you do that, then you can go home. Don't... make the same mistake as I did..." Vince implores, before closing his eyes and ceasing to breathe.\n\nVince then starts breathing again, then he stops. Then he starts again, only to stop again.\n\n...He's asleep, you idiot. \n\nYou hold the cube in your hands, and within seconds you start to feel a new, immense energy course through your fingers. With this, you feel like you could rewrite not just the dream reality, but ALL realities to your likeness. \n\nWhat do you do next?\n\n- Heed Vince McMahon's warning and do the right thing - [[return the Dream Dimensional Flux to its rightful place]], allowing you safe passage back to reality.\n\n- Don't do what he said and [[use the Dream Dimensional Flux for your own selfish ends]].

I mean, nobody wants to see a bunch of thin dudes flipping around each other, let's be honest.\n\nThe best way to spruce this up is to simply get a big, muscley man to come into the ring and show these tiny men what real wrestling looks like. \n\nYou're not sure why people are booing Big Show reigning triumphant, he deserved this accolade for all the hard work he spent putting Braun Strowman over last year. \n\nYou've earned 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

"Vince, you son of a bitch! I request, nay, -demand- that you give me the main event slot!"\n\nVincent Kennedy McMahon, a man who once called white wrestle John Cena the N word on live television and faced no repercussions for doing so, turns slowly and tries to remember who you are.\n\n"Oh, Berny Guts, what can I do fer ya, pal?"\n\n"You heard me! I demand my rightful place here at WrestleMania! I'm the only member of D-Generation X who ever did anything worth a damn, and I don't even have a match!"\n\n"Well pal, it's a little late, but here's what we'll do. You need to go to the head writer for this WrestleMania and tell them whatever it is you said to me about degenerating your exes or whatever. I've got a show to do."\n\nAnd with that, Mr McMahon walks off, leaving you with no choice but to [[find the head writer]] and plead your case to them instead.

Oh, dear. This isn't very good at all.\n\nDespite your best efforts, this wasn't the best RussoMania that you could have possibly put on.\n\nIt seems some of the swerves you made were a bit predictable, and while you had some inspired moments, it was a bit too safe. A bit too WWE.\n\nThat isn't you, and you know it. \n\nWorst of all, it doesn't seem like the public knew the extent of your genius. Sure, people are calling the event "pretty good", but there's no real buzz about it. Nobody's talking about how unpredictable it all was. If anything, people are questioning why the results were so weird and sporadic with no consistency. \n\nTried as you might, while this was an okay WrestleMania, this was a bad RussoMania.\n\nSensing that you know it's not your best work, Vince McMahon doesn't have the most inspiring words for you either.\n\n"Well, Russo, you tried, pal." He begins, "but unfortunately that was a bit of a mess. I gave you one last shot and you blew it. You'll never write for my company again, and if you ever try to enter my dreams again, I'll kill you where you stand."\n\n"But, bro!" you weakly protest, "I swear to Gawd, bro, I can do better."\n\n"I'm afraid it's too late for that, Russo," comes the response, "and I'm afraid it's too late for you to escape. I promised Cornette that if you screwed up this badly, I'd let him have 5 minutes alone with you in this room, surrounded by all these power tools. Well, goodbye!"\n\nAs you hear an electric drill start up, the door slams, sealing your fate.\n\nThe End. \n

Swallowing what little pride still fits into your wrestling trunks, you know there's only one way to solve this situation: you need to phone your boss, Vince McMahon, and beg for a place on the WrestleMania line-up. \n\nTimes are tough for wrestle men such as yourself, and you need this gig. At this point, you'll even accept a slot in the Andre The Giant Battle Memorial, where all the wrestlers aim to throw each other over the ropes until they're given a trophy and continue to languish in the mid-card because creative has nothing for them.\n\nAfter hyping yourself up enough, you dial the number to Vince's begging phone. You haven't had access to the number for his regular phone since you were a young rapscallion innovating all of wrestling as part of that oft-forgotten band of rascals known as D-Generation X. Calm with the self-assurance that you ended up being the most successful member of that team, you dial.\n\nYou wonder why the rest of the team fell into relative obscurity until you hear a voice at the other end of the phone. It's your boss, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of all WWE and twice-owner of the XFL. \n\n"What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy trying to run WrestleMania 34, the wrestlingist show on Earth, dammit?!"\n"Ah, Vince, I just wanted to-"\n"Please leave a message after the beep. Beep, dammit!"\n\nThis isn't the first time you've been hoodwinked by an answerphone message, but this is the first time it hurt emotionally. Surely, your star hasn't fallen so far from grace that Vince won't even pick up his pity phone for you?\n\nThat can't be it! Have heart, young Jedi Assprentice, there's a way to fix all this. You'll just have to walk down to the WrestleMania arena in New Orleans and [[beg in person]].

With a level of brains and intellect reserved for only the most biggerest geniuses ever, you know that phoning Vince is a bad idea. \n\nAfter all, he'd be able to see it's your number and know you're trying to get in contact with him. Any true writer knows that the only way to truly get in touch with Vince McMahon, noted insomniac, is to go through his dreams.\n\nBetcha never saw that coming Vince, ya mark.\n\nAfter waiting until the hour or two that Vince McMahon manages to sleep at night, you initiate your powers of dream infiltration, and sneak into his dreams like Solid Snake in that game series you won't play cos a guy with a name like that is totally a homo.\n\nYou're in, bro. But not like that.\n\nAfter searching the dream dimension for actual nanoseconds, you spot the man you need. But again, not in that way.\n\nLook, Vince Russo isn't into that sort of thing, alright?\n\nThere he is, Vince McMahon. You need to get his attention, and fast! Your WrestleMania dream is at stake!\n\n- [[Call Vince McMahon a total queerbo]].\n\n- [[Tell Vince McMahon that you wanna write for WWE again]].

As far as storytelling goes, this one is a doozy. After acting as Alexa's bodyguard, Nia was betrayed and let down by someone she considered a sister, and is now seeking revenger for one of the most dominant women champions in recent WWE history. \n\nIt's a story that could only have been improved if you'd made them fight over a man.\n\nHow are you possibly going to improve it?\n\n- [[Nia Jax absolutely destroys Alexa in a moment of extreme catharsis]]. \n\n- [[Alexa wins clean after a hard slap]].\n\n- [[Change the stipulation to a Bra and Panties match]].\n\n- [[Change the stipulation to a Liposuction on a pole match]].

You answer the phone with a speed rarely seen by hack New York writers.\n\n"Hello?"\n\n"Hey, is this Vince?"\n\n"Speaking, bro."\n\n"Listen, I was wondering if I'd be able to get on the WrestleMania card this year. Times are tough here, and-"\n\n"Wait, is this not Vince?"\n\n"No, I'm Billy Gunn, The Ass Man. You know, my thing is that I like butts?"\n\nYou hang up immediately.\n\nThis is what happens when you don't check the caller ID before answering. \n\nUgh.\n\nAs you put down the phone, the voicemail symbol comes up.\n\n"Russo! Answer your phone, dammit!" \n\nThe phone rings again. Cautiously, you check the caller ID this time.\n\nWell, [[put my mother on a forklift, it's Vinnie Mac]]!

Sure, having four people fight each other over a belt is good wrestling writing is good, but do you know what's better?\n\nHaving them all fight over a girl.\n\nThus, making the last-second decision to change the match into a Lana on a pole match is brilliant, and changing it even last-seconder to a forklift was even brillianter.\n\nAfter at least 4 minutes of wrestling, Bobby Roode picks up the win when Lana slaps Rusev, knocking him out for the count.\n\nOn Rusev Day, of all days.\n\nYou have earned 5 Russo points!\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

As the battle rages, you'd be forgiven for thinking that Shane and Bryan had their work cut out for them. After all, one hasn't wrestled in years, and the other is suffering from an actual literal hernia. It's a miracle they're even able to wrestle in this state.\n\nAfter Shane has seven bells knocked out of him, he's able to get the hot tag in before an 8th bell can be extracted by force. \n\nDaniel Bryan, invigorated by the crowd, begins his assault. \n\nThe german suplexes, the flying dropkicks, they're all there. It's almost as if he hasn't missed a beat.\n\nA beat that he wishes he missed, however, is the one from the steel chair on his back, as Shane suddenly turns on him, leaving him broken and battered in the ring, then pinned by a combo Helluva Kick and Pop-Up Powerbomb. \n\nWhile Owens and Zayn celebrate their ill-won victory, you've created a moment that'll be used in montage sequences for the next year to come as underdog Daniel Bryan once again overcomes the odds.\n\nYou win 2 Russo points, not just for the swerve, but for attempting some long-term booking for once in your life.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Remembering that Rusev used to get his orders from Putin himself via Lana, you know there's only one way this match can end.\n\nThat's right, the Russians hack the result so that Rusev wins by taking the pinfall clean.\n\nYou're suddenly blinded by a black sack, where you're carried out of the arena. You wake up bound and barely able to speak from the beatings you've taken.\n\n"How could you do this to me on Rusev Day, bro?" you plead, before Jim Cornette launches you to a rocket and lights the fuse. \n\nYou have lost 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

The Empress and the Queen go head to head in a conflict that many people would describe as one of the greatest Women's matches at WrestleMania ever. Even better than the Evening Gown Match between Stacy Keibler and Miss Jackie vs Torrie Wilson and Sable. \n\nAfter a gruelling match that goes over ten minutes for once, Asuka emerges victorious, having been crowned the Empress of Smackdown definitively.\n\nYou can tell it's taken a lot out of her, which is why it's the perfect time for Carmella to strike, smacking the new Champ with her Money In the Bank briefcase and pinning her in the middle of the ring, before scurrying out of the arena with the belt.\n\nYou win 1 Russo point. It would have been more, but it seems like a lot of people predicted that cash-in. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Charlotte and Asuka battle in a war that some would describe as the best Women's match at WrestleMania ever. That's right, even more so than the one where Mickie James touched Trish Stratus' lady parts and then licked her fingers.\n\nWhen the battle of attrition is over, Asuka stands tall, but wounded. You'd not be surprised to see Carmella use this moment to cash in and pick the scraps clean.\n\nIn a moment some would consider a shock, Asuka takes Carmella out with a single kick, before subduing her with an armbar, thus dropping the Princess of Staten Island back down to the bottom of the card.\n\nYou win 3 Russo points. While people may have predicted Carmella would cash-in, it's still a swerve that she'd lose considering how fresh she was against a tired, newly crowned champion.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You are Billy Gunn, a world-renowned wrestler who was formerly part of the WWE, the most wrestlingist place on Earth. \n\nAfter [[a previous adventure]] that saw you attempting to get to Raw 25 - a celebration of the longest-running weekly show on television - you've now set your sights to the next biggest wrestling event this year: The WrestleManias. \n\nWrestleMania 34, to be exact. The thirty-fourth yearly occasion of wrestlers coming together to wrestle each other, wrestlingly. Previous guest stars have included plane-hating Mr T., convicted rapist Mike Tyson, and Snooki from hit US TV show Jersey Shore, whose win over established members of the roster means that she has a better win-loss record than legends such as Jerry 'The King' Lawler.\n\nHowever, you're not going to be a guest star. You're going to be in the main event. Or at least, the Andre The Giant Battle Memorial on the pre-show. Times are getting tough.\n\nYou've got your wrestle shorts on, you're lubed up with baby oil, and [[the writer]] has thought of [[at least two more jokes about asses]]. \n\nThis is The Ballad Of Billy Gunn 2: More Asses, Fewer Time.\n\n[[Let's do it.]]

While Nia Jax is a formidable opponent, Alexa Bliss' skill in the ring isn't something that should go without mention, either. You're talking about one of the most dominating champions in the roster right now, and there's no reason she can't stay that way.\n\nThat's why, after being squashed for several minutes by the much stronger Nia Jax, Alexa stands tall after subjecting her foe to that most devastating of finishers: the hard slap.\n\nYou have earned 3 Russo points!\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You answer the phone.\n\n"Mr McMahon, what can I do for ya, bro?" You ask, attempting a semblance of professionalism before ruining it in a way only you can. \n\n"Russo, this may seem a bit out of the blue, but the strangest thing happened. I was having my nightly dream about being surrounded by 20 Roman Reigns, all cocking their fists, and when I woke up, I had the strangest urge to call you and see how you were doing?"\n\n"I'm good bro, what's up with you? WrestleMania going well?"\n\n"Yeah, it's a pretty stacked card, and my boy Roman's going over. I can't wait to hear everyone cheer!"\n\n"It sounds like a good night, bro."\n\n"Yeah, it should be."\n\n"Well, good is good, but it could be better, bro".\n\n"What do you mean by that?"\n\n"Well bro, let me tell ya, you get me in there, let me juice up the results a bit, it could be the best WrestleMania yet."\n\n"Hmm. Alright, you're on. I don't know why, but I feel like you've earned this one, pal."\n\nLooks like you successfully Vincepted Mr McMahon after all!\n\n"Awesome, bro! I got plenty of ideas, first of all, how about we get everyone's mothers and-"\n\n"Hold up there Russo, don't get too excited, pal, I've got some insurance in case you try to pull a fast one on me".\n\n"Okay, but let me have at this card, and you won't regret it!"\n\n"You're on, dammit!"\n\nAnd with that, he hangs up the phone.\n\nYou did it! After all that, you're [[finally going to be able to write WrestleMania]]! Hooray!

If there's one adage you hold to be true, it's that time heals all wounds. For one, there's the fact you're writing for WWE after so many years on the sidelines, and if you deserve redemption, then you know who else does?\n\nHulk Hogan. After all, he was fired from the WWE for opinions that he shared while he didn't know he was being filmed, and it seems like he's awfully contrite about the fact he got caught.\n\nIt's time to salvage the reputation of one of the greatest wrestlers of all time and give him an updated image that will let people know he's truly sorry for saying horrible things behind closed doors. \n\nThus, just when things are looking their bleakest in the match for your intrepid heroes, a familiar theme tune riles up the crowd, as they pop insanely over that iconic "Real American" theme. \n\nThey never expected to hear it again in their lifetimes. They also never expected Hulk Hogan to show up in a white robe and Klan Wizard hat as he debuts your latest gimmick - Hulk Hogan: Hollywood Racist.\n\nTaking advantage of the no disqualification rule in triple threat matches, the Klanster beats down the Usos and The New Day, allowing the Bludgeon Brothers to get the push they deserve as Tag Team Champs, galvanised by the new leadership of an iconic superstar.\n\nYou have earned 5 Russo points, and created a redemption story for Hulk Hogan nobody will ever forget.\n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Well, this should be an easy one. \n\nBasically, it's like the Royal Rumble, but instead of fun cameos and a title shot at WrestleMania, everyone starts in the ring at the same time and gets a minor push for a month before creative has nothing for them. \n\nSo Russo, how are you gonna spruce it up?\n\n- [[Have a noted celebrity win]].\n\n- [[Have noted celebrity David Arquette win]].\n\n- [[Have an actual, talented prospect win]]. \n\n- [[Resurrect the corpse of Andre the Giant and have him win]].\n

Wisely deciding to check your caller ID, you look at the number and see that it's not Mr McMahon's number. Instead, it's the number of one of the people from that D-Generation X group you never really wrote for, and thus never truly cared about. \n\nYou decide to ignore it.\n\nThe phone rings again, and you check the ID again. This time, it's not some poser...\n\nWell, [[put my mother on a forklift, it's Vinnie Mac]]!

Sick of all of the taunting, The Undertaker comes out to the ring, accompanied by the wailings of recent WWE Hall of Famer Kid Rock, playing that theme he did for the Deadman once. \n\nStepping off of the bike and climbing into the ring with a microphone, the American Badass lifts it to his mouth and begins speaking with the words he knows.\n\n"John, I retired last year. That's why I left all that stuff in the ring. I'm done with wrestling, man. Just leave me alone, you're getting kind of obsessed with me and it's freaking me out. Leave it out, yeah?"\n\nWith that, he drops the mic, gets back on the bike and rides into the sunset, giving the fans one final goodbye before retiring for good.\n\nYou're absolutely sure that the absolute hailstorm of boos showering the arena are people criticising John Cena for trying to drag a man out of retirement for his own selfish needs.\n\nYou earn 5 Russo points, and the assurance that The Undertaker is having a nice retirement.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

After defending the Intercontinental Title endlessly over the last couple of years and finally becoming a father, you figure that The Miz really deserves a reward for all of his hard work.\n\nThat's right, you're going to have him break the record for the longest total time spent as the Intercontinental Champion. \n\nAfter all, there's only 20 days left to break the record, but a lifetime of parenting left up to him.\n\nThus, it's only right that he picks up a win over Seth Rollins that's clean as a whistle. The Miztourage literally don't get involved. \n\nThe crowd were almost sure that Miz was going to drop the belt and go on paternity leave and seem sufficiently swerved by this action, so give yourself 3 Russo points.\n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

This is it, the match that all the smart 'Marks' (or 'Smarks', as you like to call them) have been waiting for. TNA hero AJ Styles, who you single-handedly help become the greatest wrestler today, versus a weird dude from Japan who likes violins and putting his knee in other peoples' faces.\n\nIt's also for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, so called because the other belt is called the Universal Championship. Someone's compensating for something, somewhere.\n\nHow do you make sure this main event goes off without a hitch?\n\n- [[The Club interfere]].\n\n- [[Bullet Club interfere]].\n\n- [[Electric Steel Cage match]].\n\n- [[Bray and Orton suddenly resume their match from Wrestlemania 33]].

This is it, the moment Vince McMahon has been waiting for, and you refuse to screw it up now. \n\nRoman and Brock go at it, two beasts interwined in something beautiful and poetic. There's nothing stopping Mr Reigns from his coronation. It's going to be a beautiful thing of wonder, and everyone will love it.\n\nBrock Lesnar goes for the F5, and Roman kicks out!\n\nBrock goes for a second F5, and Roman kicks out again!\n\nBrock goes for a third, and Roman reverses it into a Superman Punch!\n\nOOOOAAAHHHH, he cries, as he delivers a single spear to the Beast Incarnate, that being all he needs to win the Universal Championship and be cheered by a good 50% of the crowd. \n\nIt's all gone according to plan. \n\nWhile Roman winning was expected, Brock going down to a single spear wasn't, so give yourself 1 Russo Point.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

With both AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura, who you've taken to start calling Shinsky Naks, like some sort of Northern Englishman, formerly being from Japan, you figure that you know exactly how to make this match the grand spectacle it deserves to be.\n\nUsing the few contacts you have in Japan from the times you screwed over the IWGP as both the WCW and TNA booker, you pretend to make a hasty apology and ask for a huge favour. \n\nAs such, when AJ and Nakamura have both taken each other out in the ring at the same time, the world is shocked and awed when the famous Japanese stable The Bullet Club run down the ramp and interfere, devastating the competitors and leaving the match as a no contest. \n\nThe crowd are going nuts as your incredible writing skills, and you know that you've created a moment everyone will talk about forever.\n\nEveryone except you, you soon discover, as after the match the Bullet Club enter your room, surround you, and give you the beating of a lifetime.\n\n"The IWGP send their regards." they decree, before making the Bullet in their name literal, by beating you to death with a club with some bullets sticking out of it. \n\nYou lose 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

After all the women pile out into the ring, the referee announces one more competitor.\n\nAll of a sudden, the arena is imbued with the glorious sounds of a familiar theme tune. \n\n"I'm am Ass Man!"\n\nThat's right, Billy Gunn, The Ass Man, whose thing is that he likes asses, comes out into the match and starts throwing women over the top rope, grinding all over them, and touching their butts with the front part of his butt.\n\nWhen all the opponents are eliminated, Billy Gunn's theme song about all the asses he likes plays, before his former tag team partner and pretend gay lover Chuck storms into the ring. They kiss passionately, and start fondling each other.\n\nIf you look closely enough, you can see a tear streak down Billy's face just before Chuck goes in for the full penetration. Luckily, the action cuts to commercials before you see it go in.\n\nMan, what a call-back to earlier in the story, eh? \n\nYou've earned 4 Russo points. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You open your eyes and awaken from your slumber, newly galvanised by having destroyed an exaggerated dream version of your former boss, as we all usually are. \n\nYou set about your day and wait for a phone call from Vinnie Mac, rejuventated in your assurance that he'll remember everything that happened and be on the horn to you any moment from now. \n\nEventually, the phone rings.\n\n- [[Pick up the phone]].\n\n- [[Don't answer the phone]]. \n\n\n

As the hulking behemoth of your former boss rises before you and his lackeys surround you, you realise that maybe trying to trash talk your former boss isn't the wisest idea you've ever had. \n\nPondering your options, you reason that as your smart mouth got you into this situation, then maybe it can also get you out of it. \n\n"Okay, bro!" You begin, "I think we're getting a little carried away here. I just wanted this really badly, and sort of forgot that as you control your dream reality that you could seriously turn the tables on me in an instant. I feel pretty stupid and I'm fine with that, so I'm just gonna... are we cool?"\n\n"NO, DAMMIT!" spits Behemoth Vince, "I DIDN'T METAMORPHISE JUST SO YOU COULD CHICKEN OUT OF THIS, RUSSO."\n\n"Well, bro, let me say from the bottom of my heart that I'm s... I'm so-"\n\nFor some reason you can't seem to spit the word out. Having never sincerely apologised for anything in your life, this is more difficult than you'd imagined. \n\n"I'm sor-"\n\nUnfortunately, as you nearly make good on your ability to combine mouth movements with sounds emanating from your vocal chords, you are squashed flat as a pancake by Behemoth Vince. \n\nSorry, bro, but you totally died. \n\nYou've earned 0 additional WCW Championship reigns. \n\nGo back to the start of [[A Very Vince Russo WrestleMania]].

In a genius move that brings a tear to your eye, the build to this match has been incredible. It started when Smackdown had a list of their top ten wrestlers, and Randy Orton wasn't on it. Then the whole thing was never mentioned again two weeks later, Jinder Mahal got involved, and now Rusev is also there.\n\nYou couldn't have written it better yourself, but you have a chance to make sure the ending goes off without a hitch.\n\n- [[Change the stipulation to a Lana on a pole match, which Bobby Roode wins]].\n\n- [[Randy Orton wins with a single RKO]].\n\n- [[Jinder Mahal wins with a single Khallas after a distraction from the Singh Brothers]].\n\n- [[Rusev wins by having Russia hack the referee's decision]].\n\n

You know the ancient saying, passed down in the scrolls for the last few generations:\n\nThe only thing more dangerous than one Braun Strowman is two.\n\nWith that in mind, you set out to a top laboratory, having taken some of Braun's hair, and then, once learning that you can't get DNA from hair, some of his skin cells. \n\nNobody is prepared for the resulting scenes when Braun Strowman comes out to the ring with a nearly identical version of himself. \n\nIt seems like the process was nearly a complete success until, after successfully pinning the tag team champs, the Strowman clone starts melting horrifically, leaving the original Braun the only defender. \n\nIt causes a massive mess, and you're almost not surprised when Jim Cornette kills you for making a mockery of science, and worse, the Tag Team Division. Perhaps he'll find some recompense in being able to clone you and kill you over and over again until he dies.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]]

Before the match begins, Elias begins doing one of his patented shows. As the audience boos, Braun comes out to uniform cheers as the crowd remembers that a few weeks ago, Mr Strowman squashed the former drifter under a grand piano in a move some police would call an actionable crime.\n\nStill sick of the music, Braun comes out, breaks the guitar over Elias' back, and leaves him knocked out in the corner of the ring.\n\nWhen Sheamus and Cesaro come out for the match, Braun takes them on single-handedly and wins. However, when the ref gives the second title to Elias, who is still somehow unconscious in the corner, Braun realises that this may have been a terrible mistake.\n\nBraun and Elias remain the tag team champs until the Royal Rumble. \n\nYou win 2 Russo points. It would have been more, but a lot of people predicted this might happen because it'd be funny.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]]

As someone said in that Blackadder series about war, "doing precisely what we've done 18 times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time!"\n\nTotal swerve, you think. Nobody will see this coming, you reason as Jinder pins Rusev after he's momentarily distracted by one of the Singh brothers.\n\nOn Rusev Day of all days, no less.\n\nYou figure that the uniform boos this ending receives are just because Jinder is really good at being a heel.\n\nYou have earned 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You're pretty sure the only time people cared about that queer looking belt is when that English dude was defending it and calling himself a King.\n\nThus, the only recourse is to quickly rename the tournament to King of the Ring, force Neville to go out, win the belt, and don a crown for the next two months.\n\nHowever, as you explain this plan to him, it turns out he doesn't want to go back to that division ever and wants to just live out the rest of his contract in peace, so he begins literally strangling you to death. \n\nHow ungrateful! "I bet he's a mark" you think as the rest of the air leaves your lungs permanently.\n\nYou lose 2 Russo points, and any chance of a seat on the throne.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

The more you think about it, the more angry you become.\n\nHow -dare- they leave you off of the card for one of the most important wrestling occasions of the year? Some would argue WrestleMania is easily in the top three events of the wrestling year! \n\nYou become despondantly inconsolable. You simply -have- to be at WrestleMania this year, and you're ready to destroy anyone who gets in your way.\n\nAfter all, you have a theme song that details your love of butts and the things you love to do to butts, and if there's one thing you love to do, apart from touch 'em, shove 'em, flaunt 'em, watch'em, pick'em, turn on a dime as soon as you see 'em, it's this: you love to kick'em. \n\nIf you don't get that WrestleMania appearance, there'll be hell to pay, and if anyone tries to stop you, then you'll kick their ass. \n\nAnd you'll love it too, because as we've established repeatedly so far, you're the ass man. \n\nAfter suitably pumping yourself up, bitterly swallowing any sadness inside you, and stretching carefully so as to avoid cramps, you take a short walk to the WrestleMania arena in New Orleans from whatever state it is you live in. \n\nYou make it there in plenty of time before the show, which perfectly allows you to get to the people in charge and make sure your ass is shown to millions of people worldwide tonight. There's no time to lose, you need to [[find your boss]]!

At first, the match seems like a pretty traditional one. Women fight, tag, men fight, tag, etc.\n\nHowever, you know there's a glint in Kurt Angles dazed, spacey eyes, and you're going to bring it out of him.\n\nDuring one particular spot, HHH and Kurt Angle start brawling so viciously that they start fighting up the ramp and into the backstage area, leaving Ronda and Stephanie to face off against each other.\n\nMinutes later, the crowd hears a familiar jingle\n\nIt's a milk truck! And Kurt Angle is driving it! And now he's spraying Milk all over Stephanie McMahon! \n\nIt's been done before, but now it's being done at WrestleMania, meaning that for once, Milkomania is truly running wild!\n\nYou have earned 2 Russo points, like the glorious 2% milk being sprayed onto the fans in the arena. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You know that as a wrestler, you're only as good as your gimmick, your looks, the talents of everyone else in relation to yourself, and your finisher. \n\nFiguring that you might not get by on the first few, you decide that the best way to make an impact is to use your best asset; your ass.\n\nYou get a great run-up, charge, and prepare to unleash your finishing move, the Fame Asser, on the unsuspecting door. \n\nAs you leap into mid-air, some would question how dangerous this particular tactic was, but not you. You are Billy Gunn, the Ass Man, and if there's one thing you presume you would be able to do, it's being able to use your finisher to such an incredible degree of accuracy that people could study it for years to come and not understand how to best adopt your style of Ass-Fu.\n\nAs your ass makes contact with the door handle, you twist deftly in the air, causing the door to open while also falling off of its hinges and making a shuddering thud to the floor below. \n\nYou're in the room, and ready to [[plead your case to the head writer]].

Hmm, well, that was a colossal fuck-up.\n\nDespite your best efforts and those most Russo of your ideas, this Wrestlemania has been a total disaster.\n\nYou decide that the best course of action is to beat a hasty retreat, aiming to get out of the building before anyone even knows you're gone.\n\nAs you scramble to gather your belongings, you discover that Jim Cornette is standing in the doorway, refusing to let you past. "You tried to make a mockery of this WrestleMania, and I refuse to let you live any longer, you sack of shit."\n\n"Please bro," you plead "you don't have to kill me".\n\n"Oh, I'm afraid we do, dammit!" retorts Vincent Kennedy McMahon, a man who now seems to be brandishing an awful lot of rope, and who has somehow appeared right behind you.\n\n"Please, bro, bro, I can explain, bro" you whimper, but it's not enough.\n\n"I gave you control of WrestleMania 34, and you turned it into a goddamned disaster, Russo. This is not something I can let stand. It's not something the gods can let stand either."\n\n"Gods? Don't you mean God, our lord and saviour, bro?" You weakly suggest.\n\n"No, Russo, I do not. But that does give me an idea. Cornette! Get me the crucifix, dammit!"\n\nDespite your pleas, you are eventually tied to the crucifix, a move that even ECW thought was too far back in the day.\n\n"This is a bit far bro" you counter, not able to do much else, what with being tied to planks of wood.\n\n"No, Russo, this is exactly far enough, for you. You see, your actions tonight have caused irrepairable damage to wrestling as we know it, and only a sacrifice can bring allow for a good harvest this year."\n\nYou try once more to plea to sanity, but Cornette and McMahon are already incanting the dark verse. You fail to dissuade them from plunging the knife into your chest, letting your blood spill out onto the crops below.\n\nYou have achieved the worst possible ending, and have been sacrificed to the Gods of Wrestling to prevent your actions ruining the harvest.\n\nThe End.

Discovering that Samoa Joe has recovered from the injury that kept him out of the Royal Rumble, you know you don't want him to not show up at the biggest show of the year, and you don't feel that the Battle Royal is the best place for him either. \n\nHence, Samoa Joe is hastily added to the Intercontinental Championship match at the last second. \n\nNow, a sudden return in a Championship match usually means that they're going to win, and you want to do a solid for one of your old TNA pals. \n\nThe issue is, is that in this match, Joe only has a 25% chance of winning.\n\nSuddenly, sirens blare across the arena as famed mathematican Scott Steiner storms into the ring, also getting involved in the match, and making the odds of Joe winning drastic go down.\n\nYou see, you take Joe's 25% chance of winning, and put it up against Steiner's chances of winning, and well, let's just say that the numbers don't lie, and they spell disaster for Joe at WrestleMania as the big booty daddy takes the prestigious belt and adds it to the display case at the Shoney's restaurant he owns. \n\nYou have earned 5 Russo points!\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

As Roman Reigns holds the WWE Universal Title aloft, his second cornonation closing out your very own WrestleMania, you can't help but think that you did a good job there, bro.\n\nIn fact, you'd go so far as to say that was a pretty decent RussoMania.\n\nA knock on the door. It's Vince McMahon, a tear streaming down his cheek as his boy Roman Reigns successfully main events his fourth successive WrestleMania.\n\n"You did it, dammit! Russo, that was a great job, I owe ya one pal!" says the Chairman of the Board.\n\n"Well, there is one thing, bro"\n\n"Name it."\n\n"I want a full time job writing for WWE again."\n\n"Hmm. You know what, you've earned it, pal! You have a job here any time, as long as you're willing to start from the bottom and work your way up."\n\n"That's fine by me, bro!"\n\n"Oh, and one more thing. I'm also rehiring Cornette, just to keep you in line. But, if he tries to do you bodily harm, I'll call the cops and have that restraining order reinstated."\n\n"Thanks, bro".\n\nYou think about hugging it out, but don't want to seem like a queerbo in front of your new boss.\n\nA job well done, you pack your belongings and head home, ready for a revitalised life writing for the WWE full time, once again.\n\nCongratulations, Vince Russo, for you, this was truly a RussoMania to remember.\n\nBut perhaps you could have achieved just one more perfect swerve...?\n\nThe End.

Now you're here backstage at WrestleMania 34, available on the WWE Network for $9.99, there's no time to lose! You need to find your boss and make sure that one way or another, you're going to find him, you're going to get him get him get him get him to put you on the WrestleMania card. \n\nAfter searching the arena for literally seconds, you find him. Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Your boss. A man who once wore a doo-rag after being shaved bald by the President of the United States. \n\nNow is the time, you must simply be on the WrestleMania card, by any means necessary.\n\nYou weigh up your options. Do you:\n\n- [[Beg for a slot at WrestleMania.]] You'll take anything, you'll even be in the Andre the Giant Battle Memorial, and you'll even join Mr McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club to do it. It doesn't sound too bad. After all, it involves asses, and according to your gimmick, you like asses. \n\n- [[Throw his steak wrap to the ground]] and demand to be given the main event to WrestleMania. If he doesn't acquiesce, then you'll make yourself famouser by giving him a Fame Asser, your patented wrestling move where you slam a man's head to the floor below using your ass and the momentum that comes from jumping in the air and trying to land on the ground below ass-first. \n

Now, this is a match people are looking forward to. Seth Rollins has been working hard to win the crowd over after suffering a knee injury and being forced back into the SHIELD to get Roman over in time for WrestleMania season. Finn Balor hasn't dressed up as a goblin in a while, and The Miz's wife has just had a baby while the A-Lister himself is almost about to break the record for most time spent as the Intercontinental Champion. \n\nIt's truly all to play for, so you feel like you can't really screw this one up. \n\n- [[Seth Rollins wins]].\n\n- [[The Miz wins clean]].\n\n- [[Add in Samoa Joe at the last second]].\n\n- [[Finn Balor wins after turning gay]].

Okay, so before we go further, I need to explain the rules of how the rest of this story is going to go.\n\n- [[Explain the rules]].\n\n- [[Skip the rules]].

After watching some episodes of The Fashion Files on the WWE YouTube channel, you decide that they're absolutely hilarious. You especially like the way that they keep leaning on the fourth wall, a device you especially like as you think kayfabe is something meant to repeatedly be broken.\n\nTo reward them, you add the team into the match at the last second, have them win, then get on the mic and tell the audience that the win didn't matter because it was all scripted, just like an episode of their show The Fashion Files.\n\nFor doing something unexpected and breaking the line of kayfabe, you've earned some Russo points for that. Sure, the crowd hate the Fashion Police now for breaking their immersion, but that's the price to pay for a memorable WrestleMania moment.\n\nYou earn 3 Russo points. \n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

However, as I don't have the time or the patience to work out how to code in a total points tally, and I'm not sure if Twine can even do that, we're just going to have to go on the honour system here.\n\nSo, when we get to the screen with all the different possible endings, whatever you do, don't cheat, okay? \n\nRight, that should work.\n\n- [[Explain the rules]].

Now you're in the room, you need to plead your case. You can see they're definitely sitting in their chair, but it's facing away from you. You step forward and begin to make your case for inclusion.\n\n"Hi, it's me, Billy Gunn. You know, the Ass Man? Anyway, I just spoke to Vince and he said that if I come to you and ask nicely, you might let me have a slot on the WrestleMania card. It'd be ever so appreciated if you could spare a thought for your old pal, and let me have a good go at a wrestle!"\n\nSilence fills the room. You're not sure if that was the best way to go about it, but as you don't know who the head writer is, you didn't really have any other choice. Suddenly, they stir from their seat. \n\n"You know..." They begin to say, their voice seeming familiar to you, "I was just thinking 'bout what this show needs, and ya know what, I got a great idea for ya. You were the one that pretended to be gay for a bit, right?"\n\n"Yeah" you confess, "I pretended to be a gay man once in order to get more attention on TV."\n\n"Right, well, what I was thinking was, if you go out there tonight, you're going to have to make an impact. So, I want you to go out there into the battle royal thing, and start rubbing yourself up on all the other wrestlers until you win."\n\n"Um." You begin, not entirely enthused. "That seems a bit... not okay in today's climate. I don't know if the Andre the-"\n\n"Andre?" They question. "No, you're not going to be in the Andre the Battle Whatchamachooseit, you're gonna be in the women's battle royal."\n\n"What? But, I'm the Ass Man!" You say, with heavy emphasis on the word "man".\n\n"[[Exactly. They'll never see it coming... bro]]".

What, really?\n\nAfter all I've done for you? \n\nNah, bro, you're going to listen to the rules, and listen good.\n\n- Fine then. [[Explain the rules]].

After several years in WWE undefeated, it may seem to some that the streak will never end, and especially not at WrestleMania. \n\nWhile many would expect you to make sure Asuka loses in a convoluted way, say, by having someone use a taser on her to knock her out for the win, some people might expect that.\n\nThe solution, then, is to have Asuka simply be out-wrestled by Charlotte, who wins clean as a whistle in the middle of the ring after putting Asuka in the Figure-8.\n\nYou win 5 Russo points. It may seem like an easy victory to some, but it turns out nobody was ready for Asuka... losing. \n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

With your keen Sherlock Holmesian level of intellect, you figure out that Monday is no good because of Raw, and Tuesday is also right out because Vince McMahon is too busy.\n\nThus, you figure, phoning Vince on a Wednesday is the best idea. After all, it's NXT day, and that show's full of vanilla midgets and is run by his son-in-law. There's no way Vince will be busy!\n\nYou phone.\n\n"What's the big idea, pal? You're spoiling my enjoyment of NXT! Just because it's pre-recorded doesn't mean that I can't spend my Wednesdays enjoying it! Leave me alone!"\n\n"Vince, it's-"\n\n"Leave a message after the tone."\n\nDammit, it seems like there's no ideal time to phone him!\n\n- [[Appear to Vince McMahon in a dream]].

As Finn prepares for the match, he comes to you and asks if he needs to dress up as a Demon tonight, as it really takes a while to get that painted on and he needs to know if he can spend that time not eating carbs instead. \n\n"Hold on" you tell him, "there's no need to dress up as an elf, I got something better for ya, bro".\n\nFirst, the Miz comes out on stage with a great red carpet entrance. Then Seth Rollins comes out with the entrance set slightly ablaze to reflect the bit in his theme where someone screams "Burn it dooooown!".\n\nFinally, Finn comes out, literally. I mean, all those 'Marks' on Twitter are obsessed with his six-pack, so if they're totally gay for him, why not give them what they want?\n\nPrancing down the ring, he flounces into the ring and wins after grabbing the Miz's little A-Lister and telling him that it's got a starring role. \n\nAs you step out of the writer's room, you're cornered by actual LGBT wrestler Sonya Deville and a small proportion of GLAAD, who put an end to your writing days by shoving your writing pen up your ass.\n\nYou have lost 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Having not really paid much attention to current events in wrestling, you figure that the first winner should be one of the most successful women in wrestling history. That of course, being the longest reigning Women's Champion in history, The Fabulous Moolah.\n\nWithout consulting anyone else, you have a hologram of her created, which pops up at the end of the battle royal when Sasha Banks and Bayley eliminate each other at the same time, making hologram Moolah the inaugural winner of the battle royal, giving her a posthumous wrestling record.\n\nWhen the match finishes, someone turns to you and asks if you heard about all the stuff where Snickers found out about her record of forcibly prostituting other wrestlers, drugging them, and taking their money and threatened to pull their funding unless the name was changed. \n\nBefore you can let out an evasive "Bro", Jim Cornette kicks down your door and beats you to death with a socket wrench while screaming about grinding your corpse up to power up a monument to your stupidity.\n\nYou have lost 2 Russo points, because resurrection comes at a cost, bro.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Using your expert powers of deduction, you reason that phoning Vince on a Monday might not be the best idea. \n\nHe's a busy man, after all, what with Monday Night Raw.\n\nHowever, you continue to reason, Vince McMahon probably doesn't give a shit about Smackdown, and so you decide to phone him on a Tuesday.\n\n"What do you want, dammit?! Why does everybody always try to phone me on a Tuesday, don't they know I'm busy not giving a shit about Smackdown?!"\n\n"Vince, bro-"\n\n"Please leave a message after the beep."\n\nOfft, looks like Tuesday's no good either. \n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Wednesday]].\n\n- [[Appear to Vince McMahon in a dream]].

The great thing about tournaments is that usually, the winner is someone who has had to win several times in a row. In an era where Road Dogg, a man who doesn't know how to spell simple words, seems to think wins and losses don't matter, it's a minor miracle that anyone's able to get through a tournament at all!\n\nAll that hard work should be rewarded, right?\n\nJuuust, not right now. Not when it can be on the pre-show of another Pay-Per-View instead!\n\nJust as the match is starting to get really good and it turns out one of the flippy people might win, the rest of the 205 Live roster come out and beat them both to a pulp, forcing a no contest and nobody to become the Champion. \n\nWith nobody having been victorious, you've delivered that most incredible of swerves, a tournament where nobody wins except for your awesome writing ability. Just ignore all that trash being thrown into the ring. They're doing it because they're 'Marks'.\n\nYou have earned 5 Russo points!\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You did it. Despite all odds being against you, you've managed to pull off the greatest Wrestlemania ever. \n\nEvery single match came with some kind of incredible swerve, everybody was left perplexed and hooked as they wondered what would happen next, and all were mystified and dazed by the fact that, try as much as they could, they were unable to predict a single event before it happened.\n\nYou did it, Vince Russo, you have achieved pure wrestling godhood.\n\nBasking in the glory of what you have achieved, you hear a cough behind you. You turn and see Jim Cornette, offering a hand to shake, and a heartfelt apology that he ever doubted your abilities as the greatest writer of wrestling ever. Once you shake hands, he instantly dies, having nothing left to live for, knowing that he could never achieve wrestling nirvana in the way you have.\n\nWith no obstacles in your way, you ascend to the Metatron, your DNA slowly untangling and casting itself across the dimension. You have no need for this mortal body anymore, as you have become pure wrestling incarnate.\n\nYou are wrestling, and wrestling is you. You are a wrestling god, immortalised forevermore.\n\nThe End.

You wake up from your slumber.\n\nIt's a fresh April morning, and you hear your alarm go off. However, turning the alarm off is what it would expect you to do, so you leave it running, its noise getting ever louder as it assumes you're still sleeping. What a mark.\n\nYou make your way to the mirror and check your identity.\n\nYup, you're still Vince Russo, former writer for the WWE, WCW, WCW again, WWE again, TNA, TNA, and then TNA again. You are the greatest writer of wrestling there ever was, and perhaps ever will be. Nobody has ever been able to write moments that match the iconography of yours, as you're willing to tell anyone who'll listen and then believe you afterwards.\n\nToday, you decide, you're going to write the greatest story of them all: WrestleMania.\n\n[[First, a quick disclaimer]].\n\nLet's play [[A Very Vince Russo WrestleMania]].

"Vince, bro, I wanna write for WWE again!" you say to Vince, trying to persuade him to let you write for WWE again. \n\n"What? Who is that?" Responds Vince McMahon, slowly realising that his dream has been infiltrated. \n\nHe turns and walks up to you, resplendant in his dream form. \n\n"Vince Russo?" He questions.\n\n"Yeah, bro, don't you remember the greatest writer of WWE of all time?"\n\n"And you say you want to write for WWE again? Why didn't you just call?"\n\n"But this is totally unexpected, bro! This is a total swerve!" \n\n"Hmph, I guess so." Says Vince, "but I'm not convinced this is a great idea."\n\nYou need to find a way to persuade him, and fast!\n\n- [[Threaten to fight Vince McMahon]].\n\n- [[Attempt to use reverse psychology]].\n\n- [[Attempt to recreate 'Inception' with Vince McMahon]].

Now you have the reigns of WrestleMania 34, you need to do what you can to make it the most Vince Russo'ing Wrestling-fest the world has ever seen!\n\nYou're now going to go through the rest of the card and rewrite it to your whims as you attempt to create the most memorable event ever.\n\nFor each match result you write, you'll be given a corresponding amount of Russo points. The more you swerve the audience, the more points you get. The more points you have at the end, the [[better the ending you'll earn]]. \n\nHowever, there is a limit. \n\nYou see, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, a man who once allowed his daughter Stephanie to be sacrificed to a dark cult that it then turned out he was in charge of, doesn't entirely trust you to not go overboard. \n\nTo make sure you stay in line, he's hired former WWE writer, wrestling legend, and resident angry man Jim Cornette as well. You may have a restraining order against him for all the threats he's made against you, what with you trying to get him fired repeatedly and making a mockery of his ideal version of wrestling, but there's nothing Vince McMahon, a shed-load of money, and an angry Kentuckian with a gun can't do when they put their mind to it. On the plus side, if you achieve maximum Russo without going too overboard, there's nothing Cornette can do to stop you!\n\nSo, the summary:\n\n- There are multiple choices for each match.\n- You will either get 1-5 Russo points for your choices, or be killed by Jim Cornette.\n- If you're killed by Cornette, go back to the start of the card and lose 2 points for each death. Call it a resurrection cost.\n- Keep in mind that if you annoy the wrong people, then Cornette won't be the only person you have to answer to. \n- If your choice on a match causes you to die, you are allowed to go back and try again once. \n- The matches aren't in order because who knows what the whims of the WWE are. \n- The more points you get, the better the ending will be. \n\nWith all that out of the way, let's get to the trickiest part:\n\n[[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Ronda Rousey is a bone fide talent, you reckon. \n\nSomeone who really wants to learn the ropes of the wrestling business and earn her way to the top through hard work, grit, and determination.\n\nShe needs to know all of the lessons of the business, and she's been given a pretty rough crash course since The Royal Rumble.\n\nHowever, she's still missing one important lesson, you figure; how to deal with loss.\n\nWhen the match reaches its fever pitch, Stephanie mocks Ronda's MMA background by putting her in a triangle choke, and then a very weak looking armbar. To the surprise of everyone in the crowd, however, Ronda accepts defeat and taps out nearly instantly.\n\nSure, you've absolutely screwed over the long term booking plan of having Rousey and Asuka go up against each other in an undefeated streak vs undefeated streak match, but you've created a shocking WrestleMania moment for right now, and that's what really matters here.\n\nYou earn 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

In a triple threat match, there's no such thing as disqualification, and so the smartest thing to do is have The New Day constantly use their third member to run interference and keep the other teams down. \n\nAfter repeated false finishes and shenanigans, the team celebrate their 5th Tag Team Title reign, and begin throwing pancakes into the ring. \n\nUnfortunately, one of the pancakes sort of hits Big E in the eye at a weird angle, and he totally flips out, turning on the rest of The New Day, calling them booty, and beating them up for a length of time that some would call uncomfortable. \n\nThe New Day have won, but at what cost?\n\n2 Russo points; it's a swerve, but it seems just slightly too random. \n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Some of the views and jokes in the rest of this story do not reflect the personal views of the writer Ed Price. He's actually a pretty swell guy when you get to know him, but in this case the characterisation of the subject of the story necessitates jokes and incidents of a certain nature to occur. \n\nAs such, while things may have a historical background or be somewhat based in reality, please keep in mind this is fiction and that in wrestling you have to take a lot of rough with the smooth.\n\nSo, I guess, sorry?\n\nLet's play [[A Very Vince Russo WrestleMania]]. \n\n

After a tough competition between all of the competitors, you know that there has to be a clear winner.\n\n\nYou think about the most unexpected thing you can, which you decide is Randall Keith Orton hitting his finisher, the RKO, on Rusev, pinning him clean as a whistle on Rusev Day of all days.\n\nI mean, who would see that swerve coming? Nobody, that's why it's called an RKO "Outta Nowhere"!\n\nApparently, the crowd disagree.\n\nSorry, but you have only earned 1 Russo point.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Now, deciding that you're going to write WrestleMania 34 is all well and good, but there's a process involved.\n\nFor one, you need to somehow convince Vince McMahon to allow you to return to the WWE, and then move your way up the ladder. A further complication is that since you've decided this in April of all times of the year, you don't have very long to pull off the gambit, either. \n\nFortunately for you, you're Vince Russo, the greatest writer of all time and a former WCW Champion. This should be easy.\n\nDo you:\n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Monday]].\n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Tuesday]].\n\n- [[Phone Vince McMahon on a Wednesday]].\n\n- [[Appear to Vince McMahon in a dream]].

When you think about it, the match-up seems a bit... unbalanced. Nia Jax is a juggernaut of a woman, while Alexa Bliss is 5 foot tall and just had her nails done. \n\nSurely, having a traditional one-on-one won't do here. You need to step this up a notch and level the playing field a bit.\n\nYou stumble onto the perfect plan.\n\nReplacing the stipulation with a Bra and Panties match at the literal last second not only creates a massive swerve, but it also creates a compelling story in the ring, as Alexa refuses to take off any of Nia's clothes so that people don't have to see her larger figure.\n\nAfter desperately trying to avoid Nia losing her clothes, Alexa Bliss relinquishes her title by stripping down to her bra and panties to save the audience from having to see something worse.\n\nWhen Nia Jax holds the title aloft, you assume those tears are ones of joy from achieving her dream of winning the title.\n\nYou have earned 5 Russo points, and a rock hard erection at your peerless ability to objectify women.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

By all rights, this isn't a match that Bryan and Shane should be winning. After all, Bryan hasn't wrestled in nearly three years, and Shane is suffering from a serious medical condition and is working hurt. There's no way they should even be getting offence in.\n\nSo when Bryan finally gets that hot tag, you'd expect him to be landing suplex after suplex, dropkick after dropkick, and maybe even unleash some of those It-Kicks he'd stolen from The Miz. \n\nWhat the audience doesn't expect, however, is Bryan doing exactly that... on Shane McMahon.\n\nTired of his tyranny and being forced to be a general manager who wears weird cardigans, Bryan lets loose on Shane, before letting Sami get the pin and the WrestleMania victory.\n\nYou take the fact that the crowd aren't sure whether to cheer or boo Bryan as a sign that you've written a very complex character swerve, and congratulate yourself for a job well done.\n\nYou win 3 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

At first, everything seems to be going well in the match. Everything seems to be going well, and the crowd begin to go wild when Daniel Bryan is finally given the hot tag.\n\nHowever, you have a bone to pick with this situation, specifically, Kevin Owens. \n\nSelf-assured by the knowledge that you're right, you storm out to the ring and begin yelling at Owens. After all, he'll never be as over as David Arquette was when he won the WCW Championship for two weeks, and you need to tell him that right now.\n\nYour timing could have been better though. For example, you could have waited until Owens wasn't doing his powerbomb on the apron move. That way, Daniel wouldn't have been mishandled, dropped head-first, and forced to retire again due to concussion issues. \n\nBefore you can say "Hey bro, there's no need to start a lynch mob over this", the crowd start a lynch mob over this, and you are lynched. \n\nYou lose 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You knock politely on the door.\n\nThere's no response.\n\nPerhaps they're out, or didn't hear you?\n\n- [[Knock politely on the door again]].\n\n- [[Kick the door down, ready to kick ass]]. \n\n- [[Use your finisher - the Fame Asser - on the door]].

Look, you and I both know that Roman is going over here, but what we also know is that his gimmick isn't quite working out.\n\nI mean, he's going out in body armour, reading off of unnatural scripts, and is being portrayed as an underdog when that doesn't work for his image.\n\nYou know what would work for his image? Being portrayed as an actual dog.\n\nThat's why you're going to appeal to all of the kids worldwide by doubling-down on Roman Reigns being a face with a gimmick that they're going to love.\n\nAfter Brock enters the ring, there's a short pause as everyone gets ready to boo the dirgy guitar chords that usually accompany Roman's entrance.\n\nInstead, they're subjected to the sounds of dogs barking, as Roman Reigns debuts his new gimmick.\n\nYou see, he's no longer the Big Dog, but he is the Big Pupper. \n\nComing out with large dog ears attached to his hair, Roman crawls to the ring on all fours and enthusiastically licks children's faces on the way.\n\nBrock is completely unprepared for this, so all of his tactics fail. It becomes especially bad for the Beast Incarnate when Roman lets out a cute puppy howl and takes him down with a single spear. \n\nAs the children cheer enthusiastically, Roman becomes scared by all the fireworks and sprints back up the ramp, holding the title belt in between his teeth.\n\nThe gimmick is a total success! The kids love it, and the adults are so dumbfounded that they're leaving the arena to clear their heads after what they just witnessed! You get 5 Russo Points!\n\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

You know what? Alexa's sat at the top of the card for way too long, and what does she have to show for it? She's been constantly in the title scene, has defended her championship two or three times since October meaning she's equalled Brock Lesnar's total defences despite being an active member of the Roster, and you're starting to get sick of it.\n\nThat's why the best thing you can do to regain some dignity to the scene is to have Nia Jax absolutely destroy Alexa with extreme prejudice. \n\nAfter 4 minutes of total carnage, Nia hits the leg drop for the 1, 2, 3, and Alexa's reign of terror is over.\n\nIt's a feel good moment, but one the crowd were probably expecting a bit too much.\n\nYou earn 1 Russo point.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

During the spot that usually happens in big matches like this where both of the wrestlers take each other out and have to struggle to stand back up, you know there's only one way to spruce this baby up.\n\nEnter the Club.\n\nNot the Bullet Club, the faction AJ Styles was formally a member of in New Japan, but The Club, the remnants of those members in New Japan who came to the WWE to get squashed, call people nerds, and brag about the size of their paycheques.\n\nWho knew being able to see your family more often was an incentive, eh?\n\nWith the crowd popping at the appearance of the bald Club members (perhaps you should call them the Hair Club for Men! Hahaha! Hahahahaha!), they wonder who they're going to help out!\n\nThe answer is nobody! They attack both AJ Styles and Nakamura! But they were AJ's partners before, so this is a swerve! \n\nThe no contest leaves everyone booing at what you're absolutely sure is the act of the dastardly villains, the nerd-hating Club.\n\nYou get 1 Russo Point. \n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Look, you just don't get why people don't want to root for Alexa here. She's the prettiest one, she's talented, and Nia Jax looks like she can afford to lose a few pounds and still have a lot left to compensate, if you know what I mean.\n\nYou do. That's why the match is now a liposuction on a pole match. That way, if Nia wins, you can shrink her down to a size that's more palatable to you and your boner. \n\nThe problem is that disaster first strikes when Nia is barely able to walk down the ramp before collapsing into floods of tears, and she's carefully escorted backstage before the match is called off. People figure this is a bit tasteless, even for you. \n\nSo, it's not really surprising that Jim Cornette takes the liposuction machine from the pole and forcefully drains all of the fat out of you. And the blood. And your organs. \n\nYou have lost 2 Russo points.\n\nBack to [[The WrestleMania 34 Card]].

Remembering that Vince McMahon is so busy running the most successful wrestling empire in the world that he's massively behind on pop culture, you figure that this could be the perfect moment to trick him. \n\nI mean, this is a man who was so far behind the times he approved changing a 2000s-era wrestler's gimmick to one entirely predicated on a 1950s sitcom about leaving things with beavers. \n\nGranted, you actually wrote that character gimmick and he approved it, but all that really does is prove that your plan is valid, so what else do you want from me here?\n\n"Bro," you begin, "I know what the issue is, and we have to go deeper!"\n\n"Russo, are you trying to incept me?" responds Vince, quick as a whip.\n\n"I, uh" you stumble, clearly not ready to have been rumbled. \n\n"You think that just because I run WWE day in and day out that I don't have time to watch the newest movies? I just watched Inception last week, dammit!" grumbles Vince.\n\nLooks like your plan didn't work. Don't feel too bad, there was literally no way for you to know that Vince McMahon - who once gave a wrestler a gimmick of being Johnny Depp from those movies about sword men in boats and a woman who wouldn't get her tits out - had watched anything from the last decade. \n\nRats.\n\n- [[Threaten to fight Vince McMahon]].\n\n- [[Attempt to use reverse psychology]].\n