It's all fuzzy-- you know what I mean? I can't remember when our love crashed. At least, I'm sure it was love once. I have images that flash in my brain like the time we were laughing until I puked. Images of an iris in full bloom, worn around my wrist. There was a white [[dress]]. Images of his long black hair that swept in his mouth and how he hated that, but he loved his hair. I remember his strong arms chopping wood. Yes, he did love me. He thought I was the moon over the dark forest. Thought I was a firefly. Thought I was his savior. I was. Once.It was white. Lacy. I was a gypsy. He said I was his queen but all I wanted to be was his princess. In the beginning, it was all too much. More than I deserved; more than anyone deserved. He placed me too high on his pedestal. It was inevitable that I would fall off. I'm scared of heights. I'm a bleeder. Please, don't let me [[fall]]. Where am I? *[[I remember]] *[[Look around]] I was dusting. He tells me all the time not to touch his things, but they were getting so dusty. I wasn't going to hurt them, just wipe them off. His carvings are so beautiful. He is so picky. The rare ones become figureheads on his boats. He is a master craftsman. I should have known he would notice they were cleaned off. I know they're worth displaying, but I can't tell him that. He thinks I don't understand the depth of his art, but when I study them, I cry. I wonder if he's still here. I open my [[eyes ->Look around]]. It's dark inside the cabin except for the fire. It pops. I jump. From the reflected light, I can see our wedding photo. It hangs over the fireplace; a simple frame he built out of scrap wood from the boat yard where he works. We were so happy then. The look on his face melts me. There's a vase of wildflowers from the meadow outside the house. Most of them are drooping. I want to replace them, but he sits in front of the fire. It lights his face. I see anger and sorrow there. I am on the floor. *[[I stand]] *[[I stay]]I take a few steps toward the flowers. They're so sad. I can't bare to look at them. He stands between me and the vase, in front of the fire. He is backlit like I imagine the angels are when they come to take me home. Before he says anything, I ... *[[Apologize]] *[[Argue]] I'm on my knees. There's blood on the wood floor beneath me. I am grateful. The slickness of it makes it easier for me to turn around without him hearing me moving. I stay in the shadows and hide in the corner. *[[He notices]] *[[He doesn't]]"I said I was sorry! Why do you always hide from me?" he says. As he stands, he knocks the chair back on the floor. His eyes burn in the firelight. He says, "YOU make me feel like a monster! If you would only listen...". *[[Apologize]] *[[Argue]]As long as he sits in his chair, I can't move. I don't want to anger him by my presence. I wait. I bite my nails. He sits. I start to drift off, but I will myself awake. I'm careful so that he doesn't hear me snore. I don't know how long I've waited here in this corner or how many times I've sat in this same dark place. It's still dark outside. This time, it must only be an hour or two. He [[speaks ->OK]]."I'm sorry, honey. I promise you I will listen. I won't touch your things. Please [[forgive ->OK]] me." "I simply dusted your work," I say, "You leave your carvings all over the house. How can I clean if your things are everywhere? I can't live in a house that is such a mess. I'm not a disgusting animal. I'm not a treacherous leper who will infect your art with my [[hands]]". I knew what was [[coming ->duck]]. "Don't worry, honey," he says, "it's going to be okay. I love you".He punches me hard in the [[jaw ->fall]].He swings at me HARD with his fist. I duck. He throws me down and sits on my chest. I can't move. He's screaming so loud. I want to cover my ears. He hates it when I cry. *[[I cry]]. *[[I don't]]. *[[I apologize ->Apologize]].I can't control it any longer. Tears roll down my face and soak my hair as he pokes my chest with his finger. I can't hear what he's saying. I hear words like "baby," and "stupid," and "you were warned." I have to make him stop. I [[spit]] at his face.I freeze. My mind goes blank. I know I need to say something. I know I need to argue; to defend myself. The only thing I can do as he sits on my chest, poking me with his finger, is open my mouth to say words that don't come. I stare at the ceiling until he is finished. The words finally [[come ->Apologize]].He leans back, furious, then punches me in the [[gut]].He looks at me with disgust as he gets up off of me and walks away. I roll over, holding my stomach until I can breathe again. *I [[crawl]] to the front door *I [[apologize ->Apologize]] The door knob seems so out of reach but if I want to leave, I have to grab it. I try a few times, that is, until I hear his boots behind me. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks. "There's nothing out there but the forest. You can't handle the simplest tasks. You really think you can make it out there on your own?" He laughs, tears well in his eyes. *Standing slowly, I reach the [[knob]]. *I [[Apologize]]. "You will never touch me again," I said. It was hard to breathe. I hurt like crazy. Every inch of my body feels bruised though I was only hit twice. He must notice how I am bent over. How my feet drag. How close I am to being sick. I open the door. He starts to [[apologize ->sorry]]. *I won't [[hear]] it. *I [[listen ->listened]]."Go to hell," I say. I am calm. Deliberate. Defiant. I turn to walk out of the door. "What did you say?" he asks. "I said, screw you." Before he could hit me, I turn on him. With all the strength I can muster I punch him. I hit his nose. The blood is surprising. He falls to his knees, shocked. I kick him in the gut. He folds over. For an instant, I feel sorry for him. I [[apologize ->Apologize]] I step out onto the porch and shut the [[door]] behind me."I'm so sorry," he said, "I was just so angry. It wasn't your fault. You were trying to be helpful." I knew he meant it. I looked up at the wedding picture on the fireplace. The man I married was still there in front of me. I [[apologize ->Apologize]].The day is dawning. The wild flowers reflect the morning dew in the sunrise. How beautiful they look. How I would miss those flowers. The morning air so fresh outside of this far-away cabin. There was the robin's nest and her eggs in the giant oak. If I left, I would miss the hatchlings. I can't leave all this behind. The beauty of the woods lives in me. Besides, he's right. So many times he's told me I'm too crazy to function in this world without him. He's helped me to do so many [[things]]. I turn back to the house and open the door. He is lying on the floor, holding his stomach. I was still holding mine. I lay down beside him. He holds me tenderly. I feel the love he has for me. I tuck his hair behind his ears. He kisses my forehead. I [[apologize ->Apologize]].