Yonza

You are Yonza, and your planet is currently engaged in the midst of a violent civil war. You've decided to get involved, but who shall you side with? Your personal beliefs side with the Rebel Alliance, they believe in freedom for all peoples from the unjust persecution of the Federation. But by siding with them, you know they face heavy persecution and danger. While the Federation may be less appealing, you know you will have a warm bed, and can still do good work, just, on their terms. Many people still believe in the cause of the Federation, either believing that the Federation does more good than harm, or that the Rebels deserve it for acting out. It will be hard to convince them otherwise. Who shall you side with? [["Join the Rebel Alliance!|Welcome to Freedom, my friend.]]" "[[Join the Federation!| Listen up, soldier! ]]"

You've decided to avoid the Federation's tricks and taunts by becoming a Rebel! The only problem is... You're not sure who to tell. How do you even find Rebels, it not like they have recruitment meetings.. do they? And what about your family!? You should talk to them first, tell them where you're going. Who knows, maybe they'll be able to point you in the right direction. "[[ Go to your Childhood Home | Oh, come eat, sweetheart! ]]"

You choose the Federation - You know you'll be safe with the Feds behind you. It's a smart choice, with a good dental plan. Despite your personal grievances with the Federation, you feel you can get farther with your career, and your safety, with the Federation behind you. A short, stocky creature with a nametag reading 'Sgt. Marian' saunters up to you, a no-bullshit expression casting over their purple-tinted face. "Alright, recruit, I hope your ready to go smash some faces!" "[[Get your assignment]]"

As a Rebel, you must read into indescript signs to tell whether or not lodging is safe for you, where meeting places are, and when meetings take place. Often times, all of your messages are complexly coded and you must roll a dice to find out whether you get the message right. If you score high enough, you are safe, otherwise, you are caught as a Rebel and endure hardships for such. As a member of the federation, you will be safe in many places, and face much less hardship, unless you reveal your personal feelings towards the Rebels with others, which can either get you a cautious spot as a quiet alley to the rebels, or killed by the Federation for treason. You may have to use force to get your way, scaring locals and alienating you from society. This is meant to represent how society responds when you interpret queerness when it in non-specifically stated(Benshoff). As a rebel, by misinterpreting signals of queerness, you will get attacks for presuming queerness where there is none. Like people who get outrageously angry for assumptions of a ‘queer’ Elsa, a townsfolk would get similarly upset for being assumed to be a ‘rebel’ base(Zeon). As a federalist, you can still look for these queer signs, but by questioning their presence in the best case you will be able to ‘ally’ with the queer community, or turn against them to protect your identity, and in the worst case be outed as queer community member, and shunned from the Federal army. Once you land on the planet, you are approached with a conflict between two government parties in the nation of Curi.Your decisions will decide how the government plays out their two viewpoints. One side, the Lari party, has been repurposing abandoned homes for homeless veterans, displaced during the civil war two years prior. However, now that the people are returning, and finding a lack of housing, tensions rise. The Lari would like to use the nearby Khloria forest to build homes. The Hewi party, however, has been employing these people in deplorable conditions, with minimal wages, taking advantage of their desperation and giving them temporary housing in return for work to sell the lumber to the nearby Takki nation. However, it's undeniable that the logging of the Khloria Forest has been greatly beneficial to the economy since the war. This represents both the notion of place versus space and of the Israeli Palestine conflict. The conflict between the returning peoples and the veterans is the notion of ‘home’ and ‘house’, and who owns the house when they both hold the home. Just like queer communities in Capitol Hill being pushed out due to gentrification, both of these people have been pushed out of the same place for different reasons, but each hold the same connotative identity to it. The conflict of the logging is similar to the Israeli Palestine conflict of Israelis showing their queer support, in this case the economic success of the logging, while dismissing the horrible conditions of desperate peoples as unavoidable for this success (Spade). The Israeli view their queer progress and the apartheid as entirely separate conflicts, which I couldn’t replicate well, but I think the important of the economy replicates the ‘distraction’ aspect of the Israeli pinkwashing. The deplorable conditions of the Hewi’s workers is a reference to the apartheid, to people who have no choice but to obey them or face death. If you side with the Lari, the economy takes a tumble, and the people are potentially sent into another civil war, but the Hewi leave the people unhappy, again teetering on collapse. Neither situation has a clear solution works long term. Finally, as a federalist, you get a transmission of a Rebel base nearby that you have been ordered to attack. You have three choices, to leave the federalists for the rebels, to attack the rebels, or to ignore them and return to the federalist base. This is your final chance to come out or remain in the closet. This choice represents the pressure of queer people who come out later in life and face criticism of ‘faking it’ because ‘they would have shown signs earlier’, and try to find acceptance in a community that might not allow them after their choices. This is also similar for people who don’t fit within the direct gender binary, as they can be shunned for being outside of the typical black/white distinction (Wilchins). Queer people have conflict even within themselves, to prove themselves as queer, as well as to the community. This is especially true for peoples who haven’t fit within the expected confines of ‘queerness’. One side, the Lari party, has been repurposing abandoned homes for homeless veterans, displaced during the civil war two years prior. However, now that the people are returning, and finding a lack of housing, tensions rise. The Lari would like to use the nearby Khloria forest to build homes. The Hewi party, however, has been employing these people in deplorable conditions, with minimal wages, taking advantage of their desperation and giving them temporary housing in return for work to sell the lumber to the nearby Takki nation. However, it's undeniable that the logging of the Khloria Forest has been greatly beneficial to the economy since the war.zz

Most people on Ergiynal, your Home Planet, have three to five parents. You though, you have always been an outlier with your nine parents and multitudinous extended family crashing in guest rooms and on couches for weeks on end, which gets you dirty looks sometimes. you have at least three estranged uncles in the downstairs family room right now. Maybe four. "How can anyone develop normally and understand a good, three to five parent family, with nine parents, and all those scrubs walking in and out of their life. " People would say, in their annoying, screechy velociraptorian. You never minded it. "Chi', could you come help me with groceries later, I've bought this months stamp book, but we've only been rationed two loafs of bread, and we're nearly out of milk already." Folip calls from the kitchen as you toe off your shoes by the door. "[[Enter Kitchen]]"

You walk into the kitchen, and light from the second sun of the day filters lightly through the back window, and approach Folip, who is leaning over the stamp book. "Actually, there's something I wanted to talk about." At this moment, please take your dice, and roll it once. "[[For a number of 1,2, or 3, please click here]]" "[[For a number of 4,5, or 6, please click here]]"

You parent smiles at you cautiously. "You know we'd always support you, honey. I understand that it's not always easy, with our type of family, to find acceptance here, and I've heard that those Rebels might be willing to help out. Just, be careful, sweet pea. Know we're always going to be here, for you." Folip walks over, and presses their palms to your cheeks, before pulling you down to kiss your forehead. "Why don't you go to the living room, and talk to your siblings before you leave?" "[[ Go to living room]]"

Folip frowns at you, shocked. "W-what..? Yonza, I never would have expected this from you. You know how those rebels are, always faffing about, only bent on destroying society. I can't believe you'd side with them. I don't. I need some time to process this. Could you.. give me a moment?" You nod, on the verge of tears. You family has always been one of the most important things to you. You can't imagine what it's going to be like without their comforting hand by your side. Your twelve siblings screech of laughter in the living room, but you and Filop are both painfully silent. You nod, and briskly walk to the front door. God, how could you have been so dumb? How could they just abandon you like that? You family has always been there for you through all the remarks and painful comments about your family size and race. You never thought they would leave you. "[[Leave Home]]"

You wander into the living room, to find you twelve siblings scattered across mismatched couches and armchairs. You sit on the floor and laugh and joke with them for several hours, basking in the glory of your family. You realize, you don't know what you'd do without them. They've raised you, and sure, they're not always perfect, but you share this connection with them that goes deeper than blood. You've always been able to come to them when the teasing or remarks got too bad. You're so grateful to be able to have them by your side. "[[Leave Home]]"

You exit your home, feeling like your entire world has been turned upside down. What would you like to do now? "[[Go to Mycaruba Square]]" "[[Go to Millfor's house]]" "[[Join the Federation]]"

You enter Mycaruba Square. You've been here before with family, many times, so you know the area quite well. As you look around the square, you see a large bunch of rather unsavory characters wandering towards a local burger joint. With them is several small children, who laugh like tinkering bells as they run past you. Actually, it sounds exactly like the tinkering bell laughter of the Terrifying Most Immoral Va-Osh of Gamba 5. You assume the most recent reformation project has been going well. "[[Go to Burger Joint]]" "[[Go to Ice Cream Tower]]"

Millfor has been your best friend since you moved to Ergiynal. She enjoys many things, like mattress hunting on Sqornshellous Zeta, Gryffin riding, and her religious cult knitting club, MushKnitting!. No one has yet to tell her that adding an exclamation point does not make reciting verses from the Porubla and making hats and more exciting, but she remains still, quite excited. You knock on the door, and hope that shes in. Millfor opens the door cautiously, then throws it open with a smile. " Yonza! Come, embrace in the Glory of Our Savior Zaphod with me!" You nod politely, but refuse. You embraced in Zaphods glory the first time you met Millfor, and you then proceeded to find out you were allergic to the Zaphod worshipping mushrooms Millfor uses in her prayer. Never. Again. "Actually, I was wondering if you knew anything about the rebels around here?" "[[Roll dice 1-3]]" "[[Roll dice 4-6]]"

You decide to join the Federation instead. It'd be worth it to get your family back. And really, what's the worst thing that could happen? They have dental benefit's, you're always hearing about their awesome dental benefit's. And god, do you miss your family. "[[ Listen up, soldier! ]]"

" Listen up, bub! We've heard reports that there's some rebels making plans around Balboa, it's about 12 kilometers south of here, you can just take the train. there's this dirty little dive bar on the outskirts of town called Gerome's, and our spies say he might know something." Sgt. Martin barks. "Now get out of here. " "[[Leave the Recruitment Office|Look around the City]]"

You leave the Mycaruba Recruitment office. Around the city is a variety of shops and peoples milling about. "[[Take the Train to Balboa|Go to Baloa]]" "[[Go to Gerome's]]"

You approach a dark bar with bars over the windows and a flickering neon sign. Some people stalk around tables towards the back, darkness shrouding their figures and watching you as you cautiously walk from the heavy wooden door to the counter. You approach the barkeep, and they give you a gruff grunt. "Soo.. What's going on here..? " You ask, awkwardly. Man, nine parents and you still have no social skills. They give you a patient, yet judging look. "This is Gerome's bar. I'm Gerome. Anything else? " "[[Scare him into telling you info]]" "[[Ask him to Become a Rebel]]" "[[Order a Beer]]"

You saunter to the Balboa train. Yea, sure the info could give you a hint, but it's not like you can't do this b y yourself. You got this. You look around Balboa's unfamiliar streets as you step off the train. Well, might as well take a chance. At this moment, please take the dice, and roll it. "[[Roll a 1-3]]" "[[Roll a 4-6]]"

"Listen up, Bub." You lean across the counter, trying to look menacing. You with the seriousness of an amateur clown. "I've heard some talk that you know something about some Rebels 'round these parts. And while I'm sure you wouldn't like to help me, I've got a badge and it's my word against yours." Gerome gives you a hard look. He looks around the bar, with a look of reminiscing at his patrons. You think, if you could read his mind, you'd see years of friends and meetings across these chairs and darkened lights. "His names Par. Owns a burger joint." He seems hesitant, conflicted. You don't question it. "[[Go to Pars']]"

"Hey, um, listen, I've made mistakes, we all have. I'm trying to get away. Do you know where a rebel base is?" You shift nervously. He wipes a glass-stain off the wooden bar top, and stares at you for a moment, judging you. //At this moment, please take the dice a roll it.// "[[For 1-3 click here]]" "[[For 4-6 click here]]"

" I'll have a beer, please" You say chipperly. Gerome gives you a look of mirth. "Sure thing, bub." He passes you a root beer. "[[Anything else? |Go to Gerome's]]"

"Welcome to Pars'" A large, rather parental figure says as you approach the counter, the Va-Oshs wandering off to fill their soft drinks at the soda counter to the left. "What can I get'cha, buddy?" "[[Order a Burger of Destiny]]" "[[Confess you rebel emotions and cry about it ]]" "[[Scare him with your Federation Fear Mongering]]"

He gives you a solemn look. Something tells you he sees a younger version of himself, or maybe someone he cares deeply about in those soft eyes, and his mustache trembles for a moment before he speaks. "I'm gonna take pity on you, but you better not be lying to me. there's a place in Balboa, it's called Pars'. Big tall fella', you don't wanna mess with them. We, ah, used to- never mind. it's not important. Just know they're the person you want ta' talk to. " You nod seriously, and thank him for the information. He gives you a brisk nod, and turns behind the counter. You realize you haven't seen him smile, and you think maybe, he hasn't in awhile. "[[Go to Pars']]"

"You think I know where a rebel base is? Fuck off, buddy. I know a Fed-spy when I see one. I keep my head down, and my bar clean. And that's all." He snaps at you. A large green-skinned person saunters over from a far corner. "I'd much appreciate if you could go. My buddy here can see you out. " "[[Leave the Bar|Look around the City]]"

As you look around the city, you see a large bunch of rather unsavory characters wandering towards a local burger joint. With them is several small children, who laugh like tinkering bells as they run past you. Actually, it sounds exactly like the tinkering bell laughter of the Terrifying Most Immoral Va-Osh of Gamba 5. You assume the most recent reformation project has been going well, and decide to follow them. "[[Go to Pars']]"

You look out across the city scape and you see.... Nothing. You wander into a local Buffalo Wild Wings and ask politely if they've seen any local rebel bases around here, to no avail. You order some spicy garlic wings and tip generously, anyways. Maybe.. It'd be best to go check out that bar Sgt Martin recommended... "[[Go to Gerome's]]"

"Welcome to Pars'!"A large, friendly dog-nosed alien says as you approach the counter. The family in front of you wanders off to get a soda to the left. "What can I do for ya'?" "[[Order a Burger of Fortune]]" "[[Talk about Rebellion]]"

You enter Ice cream tower. it's a tall, fifty story tower, devoted entirely to an ice cream shop. You're not entirely sure whats above the first floor, but you don't think anyone else does either. Everyone once in a while, you spot tall, skinny figures slipping access cards into hidden doors and slinking away into the darkness next to the bathrooms. But you don't think much of it. You order your ice cream, and it's good, per usual. "[[Go to Mycaruba Square]]"

She smiles carefully at you. " I don't know if Zaphod has determined your worthy enough for that information. " She reaches into a large, red spotted jar and pulls out some mushrooms. "You know how we tell if your worthy..." You sign. There no turning back now. You take a bite of the mushroom and.... Nothing happens. Millfor smiles a wide grin at you. " I knew you could do it! Oh, I'm so happy you've embraced the light of Zaphod into your life." You nod dumbly. She pushes you to your feet, and starts shuffling you towards the door while she talks. "Here, go to Pars' Burger Joint, it's down off Juniper in sketchy part of town. Tell them Praise Zaphod! They'll be sure to let you in, no one can refuse the heart of Zaphod!" She closes the door, and you state outside. That was interesting. "[[Go to Mycaruba Square]]"

"Hm... I don't know if Zaphod has decided that you deserve that information. You never pray with me anymore." You sigh. You were hoping this wouldn't happen. "Millfor, you know why I can't... " "Tsk, tsk. I think you just don't believe in Zaphod enough." She hands you a mushroom, and you cautiously raise it to your lips. You've barely started eating before you slowly start to black out. "I guess you're still not worthy. " You hear Millfor say, a little sadly, before you slip from consciousness. "[[Blink awake|Go to Mycaruba Square]]"

"Coming right up, chi'." They scribble some incomprehensible code onto a notepad, rip it off and slide it behind the counter. You wander off to go sit at a counter, and wait a bit. "[[Sit down to wait]]"

"Soo.... That Rebellion, eh?" Par nods sagely. "What've you heard?" "I hear you've got the ins that I need." Really now? "[[Yours not fed, yeah?]]"

"[[I'm here as a secret government agent, tell me your secrets!!]]" "[[Praise Zaphod!!]]" "[[Gerome Sent Me |Not so loud...]]" "[[Good night for a banana fight, right?]]" "[[Recite the entirely of the First Shrek Movie]]"

"Yours none of them Feds, yeah?" You nod quickly. "Just someone trying to find a safe space. Trying to help the cause, ya'knows?" They look at you suspiciously still. "[[Whats the password, kid?]]"

You proceed to cry and slouch across the counter, mumbling something about the Rebel Alliance and his burgers... "[[Not so loud...]]"

"So I've been hearing some talk about you hosting rebel spies 'round here. You wanna talk before I make you?" You flash your badge and crack some knuckles. Pars' face shuts down before you. "I don't know what you're talking about. " "Really, I think you do?" You continue. "I don't." Pars says with finality. He glares you down. You nod briskly, and hesitate before responding. "I, uh.. Don't know where to go from this? I mean, this is kinda my first altercation as a Federalist. I mean. I don't really feel it quite yet, ya know? I mostly joined for the dental benefit's. To be honest, I really don't get what the big deal is about free market capitalism? " You shrug. " I actually, kinda like the rebels. I mean, I don't really like the whole 'all forms of media are government controlled' thing? But, I mean, dental, right? " "[[Not so loud...]]"

After wandering the streets at the mercy of the electronic voice emitting from your phone, you finally, finally arrive at your address. This has been a long and arduous struggle, and you really just wish that there's were some rebel bases a little closer to home. Standing awkwardly in front of the door, you're not even sure what to do. Do you just knock? Is there a secret handshake you should know? Is there some kind of code word they're going to ask for? Man this is weird. "[[Knock]]"

You wander out of the rebel base, feeling slightly disorientated. You feel kinda of like you've been forced along this path with no choices in the matter for quite awhile. You wander into the rebel base, and already feel your phone buzzing with the information sent to you by Frood, and by extension Hoopy. Out on the tarmac, a lanky, spider like creature waves to you, and calls out loudly, "EYH! THA'D YORNZEH? GETTEVA 'ERE!" You wave back, and walk over to her. "Eyh, wen Froot Loops said ni're looking for sum'un to take ya' out to Cergee, I couln'n stop mah-self from saying yes. Im'ma be your driver today, trust me, I'm the best in the bis!" She grins, exaggerating wildly with various arms...legs? You force a smile and nod, hoping you don't look too suspicious. "Alrigh' hop in!" "[[Welcome to Cergi Beta]]"

-Hey! it's Frood! here's some files on the Lari Conflict, it's all the information we have, good luck, Yonza. The country of Lari was recently the battleground for an intense civil war, ending in the Rebels taking over the Lari government. During the Lari war, many people, fearing their safety, escaped to the nearby Takki nation. Now that the war is over, and the economy is returning, people are returning to find their homes taken over by real estate moguls and businesses looking for tax exemption from the federalist government. that's all I got so far, I'll send you a contact sheet with some people I'd like you to interview! Thanks a ton! -Frood "[[Lari Exposition]]"

Real Estate Agent Urik has been in the business for three years in the Lari country. Veteran Isi Lorr is reutrning from active duty to find a home sold to the highest bidder. Shme Inkle has moved here with hir spouse, a Lari native, and approves of the changes. business owner Picca Kiyow has moved to Lari for tax reasons, but likes the local coffee and bakeries. Handyman store owner Juniper has been forced to close shop on their 15 year business because of competition from other businesses. "[[Talk to Agent Ulrik]]" "[[Talk to Sme Inkle]]" "[[Talk to Isi Lorr]]" "[[Talk to Picca Kiyow]]" "[[Talk to Juniper]]" "[[Click here once you've talked to everyone!]]"

You phone buzzes conveniently, and you read the text message. -Hey! It's Frood again! Listen, we've got one more issue over on Cergi you should take a look at. We've heard reports that the Hewi have been employing Takki people in deplorable conditions. The Takki used to live in the Khloria forest, but were kicked out during the Lari civil war. Now, the Hewi are deforesting the regions. here's the deal, the Rebels have been making BANK on the Hewi lumber, it's been GREAT for us in the region. Talk with them, see whats up. - "[[Hewi Contacts]]"

"Listen, the higher the price goes for houses, the more of a cut I get. So what if we're pushing people out? They should be glad, we're making this tiny, old, shithole somewhere people actually want to live. If they can pay for it." Agent Ulrik shrugs, and spins a ring of house keys on their horns. "We're really bringing in business and rejuvenatingthe economy with overpriced coffee stands and people who want to pretend their cool. They should be thanking us." "[[Lari Exposition]]"

"I met my spouse, Opier, as he was escaping the civil war violence in Lari in Takki. When he decided he wanted to come back to Lari after the war, I was supportive. there's good work here, honest, ya'know? We both think all these people are good for the area, this place might have been cheaper before, but it's safer now." Sme smiles, and has you hold hir wrench. "Besides, what are you going to do about it? Kick out everyone who wasn't born here? Make all rents exactly the same? It's the free market." "[[Lari Exposition]]"

Isi shakes hir cup, and you throw a couple pennies for hir thoughts. " I fought for this country, between all the bleeding and fighting I've been reading and writing, I'm a scholar a poet, and no home to know it. I've been driving out of my sanctuary by a guy with a pink fur planetary." Some people nearby scatter snaps. "Thank you." "no, but for realises, I came back and they wanted like, 300 krilnar for rent, like really? It has a community washing machine. Why?" "[[Lari Exposition]]"

"From a purely economic perspective, the Hewi have done wonders for the Khlorian economy. I mean, really, we were really in the shithole before. The government has more money than it knows what to do with. I've gotten two bonuses this month because these newspapers in Lari keep saying we're doing great. It's awesome. I mean, sure they don't get great living conditions, but what does that have to do with anything? The unions should be dealing with it. Taking money away from our great governments massive paychecks isn't the right way to go about this. How else could we afford soup kitchens and homeless shelters for the Takki people? Really, the Hewi are paying us to keep them in comfort. " "[[Hewi Contacts]]"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The Minister says with a blinding grin, "what Takki? We only use Fair Trade(TM) labor in all of our projects. In fact, we have a 200 page document signed by every employee that pledges that we have great working conditions. Our nation is great, and this industry is just another example of that. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. " "[[Hewi Contacts]]"

"I don't know, it's just. Hard. " The child rubs their arm. "I haven't seen any of my parents in days. Sometimes I get food. It's alright, I guess? I haven't known anything other than this life. " "One time I visited one of my parents at 'The Facility'. It was kinda scary, there were all these voices coming from the loudspeakers yelling at them to keep working. My mom couldn't even stop by, she just waved at me from her chainsaw. I sat there, at the fence, for several hours, and everyone just looked so tired and done. it was scary to see all these people so tired. I was really worried about my mom. " "Hey, do you have a couple quarters to spare, while you're here, I'd like to go to the soup kitchen. "You hand Lisbin some quarters and they scatter off into the darkness. "[[Hewi Contacts]]"

"What do you mean? This is clearly fine. Look, they get dental. I mean, it's my uncle Hank in a van outside their work, but it's dental, alright. " They shrug. "Besides No one wants to say anything bad about the Hewi, look at their lumber. It's great. It doesn't matter whose back it's built on. " They glance around nervously, before talking again in a quieter voice. "The Hewi have a pretty large amount of control around here, too. Don't let anyone hear you questioning them. " "[[Hewi Contacts]]"

You continue to wait for your burger of destiny. You hope it'll be good. "[[Continue to Wait]]"

A small bee flies around the room. You watch it raptly. Along the wall are newspaper clippings and photographs of customers standing with Par. You squint, one of them looks a little familiar. A tall, gruff looking man, with a bar towel and mustache stand with his hand on Pars waist. You think you might recognize him, but something about his face you just can't place. it's not a particularly handsome face, but you don't think you've seen anyone smile quite like that before. Oh look, here's your waiter. "[[The Arrival of the Burger.]]"

A waiter comes by and places the tray in front of you. You smile and thank them, before unwrapping your burger. it's shinning a bit, or perhaps it's just the glowing...meat? You take a moment to bask in the glory of the burger. Ah.... Bask in it. You take a photo for Minstagram. With out further ado, you take a bite. And it is the most beautiful burger you have ever eaten. You could wax poetry about this burger. In fact you think you might. You stand atop the table, and proceed with your recitations while rubbing fries across your body. "If the sun could be packaged in all it's warmth and glory, I do believe this is what it would taste, Like a summer day, Hot and heavy, Birds chirping as if they too know the glory of this way. If mountains could crumble with one glance, perhaps, It would crumble for the glory of such a meal. This is the burger nations are founded on. This is what love songs are written to, Like the class of a million stars, all shining upon my mouth. " There is some scattered applause, and you sit back down. "[[Anything else?|Go to Pars']]"

You continue to wait for your Burger of Fortune. You hope it'll be good. "[[Continue waiting...]]"

A waiter comes by and places the tray in front of you. You smile and thank them, before unwrapping your burger. it's shinning a bit, or perhaps it's just the glowing...meat? You take a moment to bask in the glory of the burger. Ah.... Bask in it. You take a photo for Minstagram. With out further ado, you take a bite. And it is the most beautiful burger you have ever eaten. You could wax poetry about this burger. In fact you think you might. You stand atop the table, and proceed with your recitations while rubbing fries across your body. "If the sun could be packaged in all it's warmth and glory, I do believe this is what it would taste, Like a summer day, Hot and heavy, Birds chirping as if they too know the glory of this way. If mountains could crumble with one glance, perhaps, It would crumble for the glory of such a meal. This is the burger nations are founded on. This is what love songs are written to, Like the class of a million stars, all shining upon my mouth." There is some scattered applause, and you sit back down. "[[Anything else?|Go to Burger Joint]]"

"Yeah. Sure. What, you wanna know my house sauce recipe? I don't think so, bubs." He waves his hand at you dismissively. "[[Well. Fuck.]]"

"Zaphod? What are you one of those religious nuts? Get out of my restaurant. I don't serve people like you. " "[[Well. Fuck.]]"

Pars eyes widen. "Not so loud 'round here, there's been Feds stopping by..." They glance around nervously, "Come round the back, here." They put an arm around your shoulders, pushing you towards the back. You enter what seems to be a staff lounge. there's a large, overstuffed couch along one wall, a red tentacled Chil-Ik in a waiters uniform lounges across it with a paper cup resting on the side table next to them. On a table to the right side of the room is a coffee maker, a stack of paper cups, and a water cooler. In the center of the back of the room are two doors, one clearly marked with the blue 'allgender' bathroom sign, and the other seems to be rather nondescript. The waiter salutes you casually as Pars herds you to the back. Pars unlocks the door with a key from their belt, and pushes the door open. "[[Enter THE DOOR]]"

"Yeah. Yeah it is. " He stares blankly at you. You state back. He stares at you. You get lost in his eyes, so pure, so kind. He continues to stare at you. You continue to stare at him. You blink. "[[Well. Fuck.]]"

You take a deep breath, and begin. " SHREK Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sit's at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hit's the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you sho Wed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sit's himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spit's milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached it's end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle it'self is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfait's. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfait's are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfait's may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hit's Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battlee is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sit's down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of Wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hit's higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future await's you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we Wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the Wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The Wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hit's the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a Wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their Wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END" You look around. No one is around, and the restaurant is closed. It has been for years, it looks like, judging by the cobwebs on the walls. there's a note on the counter. We tried to stop you, you just couldn't hear us. It was like you were in a trance. xoxo- Par "[[Well. Fuck.]]"

That didn't go quite as planned. You feel hopeless. Lost without a cause. You're only lead didn't pan out, and you feel scared and alone. As you stumble down the street, you come across another bar, but this one seems different. The bar across the windows seem to beckon you, the heavy wooden door seems warm and inviting. You make your way inside. "[[...Hello?]]"

You wander inside. A cloud of shadowy figures seem to vanish as you look across the bar, only their yellow eyes remaining to watch you from darkened corners. You step to the front of the bar cautiously. "Whats, whats all this? " You vaguely, unhelpfully gesture around the bar. "Well. My names Gerome. This is my bar." The gruff, mustachioed man states. You think he looks a bit familiar, but maybe from a different angle? Or maybe with a different mustache? You're not sure. "Oh.. ok. " You state lamely. "[[Order an Ale]]" "[[Slump across the bar]]"

Gerome smirks at you, and a judging look passes over his face. "Sure thing buddy." He passes you a fizzing, iced drink. You take a sip. It's ginger ale. "[[...Hello?]]"

You slump across the bar, and proceed to retell your entire life's story and all your troubles to Gerome, who only nods and continues to wipe down glasses. After a while. you run out of stories to tell him, and move on to talking about political beliefs, and why you even wanted to join the Rebels in the first place. The Rebels have always fought for the rights of people like you, who come from obscure families, who maybe don't love people like society tells them too, who care about people who identify differently than their own gender. You just care so much, and why can't anyone else see that? You're maybe a few drinks in at this point. Oh well. You're exhausted. You slouch in your seat and prepare to probably pass out or fall out of your chair, maybe both. At this time please roll the dice "[[Click here for a 1-3]]" "[[Click here for a 4-6]]"

"I... Think I might be able to help you..." Gerome states quietly. He steps out and around the bar to sit on your neighboring stool. "Par, Par and I used to be... friends. Way back when. He's just protective of the people he cares about." A faint..smile? maybe? traces it'self across his face. It looks a bit... familiar? weird. "Par runs some recruitment for the Rebels, out of the back of his shop. Gods, he's had that thing for ages, I remember when he first got it and- " Gerome shakes his head softly, " never mind, it's nothing. Tell him I sent you to him, he'll let you in. Don't make me regret taking a chance on you, kid. " "[[Go to Burger Joint]]"

Gerome gives you a questionable look, and lets you slouch across the counter top. "Don't let too many people hear ya' talking like that. There might be fed, ya'never know, these days. " He warns you. "Here is safe, no smart copper thinks that we ain't tighter lipped round here than a right 'nana fight." "God, I just want to help. Why is it so hard?" "[[Whiny|Click here for a 1-3]]"

You enter THE DOOR. Pars follows behind you and flicks the light switch on. In the room is a filing cabinet on the back wall, and a tall floor lamp to the side, illuminating the door. Pars pushes you in, shutting the door behind you. He pulls open the filing cabinet, flipping through many pages. You look around, there's a plastic chair, and a desk to the left. You take a seat in the chair. Pars pulls out a files triumphantly, and passes it to you. "This is the files for Hoopy and Frood. Xe're not around here, xe're on Cergi Beta, you can catch the shuttle there from Mycarumba. Cergi Beta is where most of the action is, there's barely any rebel forces that operate out here in the tendrils of the galaxy. Find xem, and xe can get you in." Pars synopsis as you flip though the files of vague instructions and shotty photographs. "[[Go the Cergi Beta]]"

At your first step off onto Cergi Beta, you immediately feel overwhelmed. it's clearly a trade city, with towering skyscrapers and cars zipping circles around you. People already start to push you out of the way and you flatten yourself along a nearby wall while struggling to get the files from Pars out from your bag's pockets. You get it out, and Look around for '17890 Morikier St SE'... Well.... You'll wander for a bit... "[[Wander for a bit]]"

You wander for a bit, consistently getting more and more lost. Hmnn....... "[[Wander a bit more]]"

You wander a bit more, before realizing you have a perfectly functional phone, with a built in GPS and maps systems. You pull it out, and quickly copy the address down. The sun is starting to set, and you don't like how the streets are thinning rather quickly of people. "[[Go to Hoopy And Frood]]"

You knock on the door. You hear someone yelling, and then someone else yells in retribution. you hope they don't expect you to know what any of them have said. Suddenly, the door flies open, and a yellow fish with two heads pulls you inside quickly. "What do you think you're doing out there, come, come, come. " The two heads speak in perfect unison, their unified fishbowl bobbing and bubbling with xir speech. "Yes, yes, here here, " Xe pushes you forward, looking outside the door back and forth worriedly, before shutting it. You watch in bewilderment as xey lock one, two, three...five, six locks up the door. Xey turn back to you abruptly, looking you up and down. "Hmn... good, good, you'll do quite well. We've been expecting you, ya'know. Hmnn.... yes. " You smile awkwardly, " I, uh, ok?" "Yes, yes, we can tell, we can. Who will come. We can see it." Xe smiles at you, tilting their head, before perking up. "Oh,oh, where have our manners gone? We are Hoopy. Frood is in the living room. Come, come. " Hoopy waves you into the living room. You suppose there's not much to do but follow. "[[Enter the Living Room?]]"

You follow Hoopy into what you can only hope is what xey refer to as the living room. A lanky Gerfri alien has nir legs tossed onto a coffee table in the center of the room. Ne waves at you from nir spot on a homey looking couch. Ne actually seem... pretty normal, compared to Hoopy. Ne laugh at your apparent surprise. "Yeah, Hoopy can be a bit overwhelming at first. I'm Frood, xir keeper. " Hoopy looks surprisingly offended at that comment, "Excuse you, I am perfectly capable of looking after myself, I just, enjoy having you around. " Xe trails off at the end, seeming petulant. Frood smiles warmly."Aw, love you too, Hoops. Anyways, I'm kind of the management behind this whole, Rebel operation. Need someone to protest, help you take down a base? I'm your guy. Hoopy is more in charge of the life-altering mental future-sight type of stuff." Suddenly, all three of you are shocked to attention by a phone ringing. Frood brings nir legs off the table, standing. "Pardon me," Ne says, and picks up the phone from the receiver. "Hmn... Yeah, thanks, I think we've already got someone for the job.." Frood glances over at you with a grin, " Course, no probs, oh, come over for tea on Wednesday, I'm sure Hoopy and I would be more than happy to see you. Alright, see you at noon!" Ne grins, looking at you. "Hey, I know you just got here, Yonza, but how'd you feel about going out on your first mission as a rebel agent?" "[[Congratulations...?]]"

You shrug, feeling bewildered at the sudden pace. "I mean, I guess. Sure. Que te pasa, calabazas?" "We've got some news coming in from Cergi Beta about doing some research into the Takki lumber scandal. While you're there, actually, there is some displacement in the Riverlands recently, send back some reports and see if you can find out anything about that too... Hey, I'll put my number in your phone. " You nod, passing your phone over. "Alright.. Is there anyone I should meet there or anything?" Frood hands your phone back, " I'll text your our information and some people that can help you out. Right now your just on an information mission, and if you can help, go for it. Don't worry too much about making an impact quite yet. I'll assign you a place on one of our transport ships, just get there and head out to Cergi, I'll send you the info on the way there. " "[[What up go to Cergi Beta!!]]"

"I just don't get all the fuss," Xe says, offering you some of their nut-covered muffin. You refuse. "The rebels don't want to tax businesses beyond their licensing fees to promote the free market, but they don't want us to move in. Of course I want my business here, if you won't want people to live here, you just just make it less fun to live here. Those rebels haven't instituted drug laws yet, either" Picca says with a wink. "[[Lari Exposition]]"

Juniper signs forlornly, looking around vir storage room filled with shelving and display racks for products. "I've been here for 15 years, and we've only ever shut the shop for Christmas morning and the first day of my kids kindergarden. First, the chain store opens up down the street, and all these new folks seem ta' think that just cause they've got twelve stores in the North Riverside, that they've got something better than we do. It's not fair. Our land owner tripled the rent, and we just couldn't pay. Then knocked down our old little shop and put up some high rises. It's just not fair... " Ve sighs, and runs a hand along the cash register. "[[Lari Exposition]]"

After a series of intense kidnappings and murders of government officials of Hewi during the rebel war, government officials give up their identity and exist to the sole purpose of the state once they take office. The Economist has been working with the Hewi government to predict economic patterns and shifts. The Minister is the only leader of Hewi. They are a Great Ruler. The Minister cares about the Safety of it's peoples. This Takki child you found on the side of a dirt road when you made a wrong turn. Their name is Lisbin. This Rebel PR officer agrees that there is no one to blame. "[[Talk to Economist]]" "[[Talk to Minister]]" "[[Talk to Takki Child Lisbin]]" "[[Talk to Rebel PR]]" "[[Once you have talked to everyone, Click here!|Hewi Resolution]]"

You don't think there's any options here for you. You can't just tell people to get out of Lari, but you really can't destroy the economy just for the sake of a settled some. Perhaps, in time the government could raise taxes enough to drive away the throves of business owners and tax escaping scoundrels enough to bring back some of the original Lari peoples? You feel so hopeless, like the entire situation is out of your hands. You wonder if this is even the information Frood wanted. "[[Continue|Hewi Exposition]]"

You think about the possibilities for solving this problem. You suppose the government could enforce better workplace environments, but the government is the one instituting this conditions. And they don't even seem to believe that there is a problem in the first place. you've been warned twice now to keep your mouth shut about the working conditions, and you're not even around here. God, can you imagine what the Takki workers are threatened with to keep their mouths shut? It can't be much worse than what they've currently got, but, wow. "[[Get on the plane]]"

You text Frood that you've completed your information gathering. Xe texts you back with some information about your spidery pilots nearest departure. You rush to the airport, and hop into the cargo bay. You can see her waving a spare arm at you, while three more alter various buttons and levers around the cockpit. You wave back and let her work. it's a bumpy ride, but you make it back to Mycarumba in one piece. "[[Report to Hoopy and Frood]]"

You return back to Hoopy and Frood's home, clutching your notes in your hands. You start to knock, only to be interrupted by Hoopy throwing the door open with gusto. "Yes, yes, come in, quickly, come the tea is on the stove. Oh, Frood, Please be presentable, darling," Hoopy continues blabbering, but you're getting pushed into the living room again, so you don't bother to continue listening, and instead hand Frood your notes. Ne flips through your notes, occasionally pausing to look more closely at one line or another, nodding and humming occasionally. "Thank you, Yonza," Ne looks up at your with a bright grin, "This is perfect, I'll be sure to call on you for more missions. " Hoopy comes back, handing you a cup of tea before tucking xemself into the couch. "Why don't you go down to Pars' place, I'm sure they'd love to see you back home and well. You've been adopted a bit by our little outcast planet rebel gang. " "[[Go to Pars]]"

You smile and wave, receiving many hugs as you leave Hoopy and Frood's home. As you wander back to Par's Burger Joint, you think about all the lessons you've learned throughout your grand adventure, about family, power, and what it means to be happy. You push open the door to Par's restaurant, and Par greets you warmly, throwing you into a bear hug. You sit down at the counter and retell your story of your time in Cergi Beta to them in great detail. They smile and nod through it all. "So, whats your great plan next?" Pars asks. "[[Go to Gerome's Bar]]"

You and Pars wander down to Gerome's Bar. They're getting a bit more nervous as you approach the bar. You push open the door, and wave cheerfully to Gerome. It seems whatever problems you've had with each other have been cleared from the slate. You shake hands with him as you approach the bar, and Pars and Gerome hug strongly. You recap to Gerome your adventures while he gets you and Pars a drink. You get root beer, but Pars only get a ginger ale, so you figure it's fair. Suddenly, you feel someone pulling you into a crushing hug from behind. You turn around, and it's your little sibling, Macefik! You embrace, and turn to talk to them excitedly. You figure this is a pretty good gig. You feel like you're doing something to help the Rebels, and you've got a little family right here. You have an odd, hodgepodge mix of family and friends surrounding you, but you can't help but feel their support and love in even ounce of warmth in your being. The End

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