Survivor's Guilt

Are you ready to enter a world of different experiences that are going to ask you to think seriously? [[Yes->did you know?]] [[No->fine]]

Please choose an experience that either you, someone you know, or are interested in that is commonly associated with people who experience survivor's guilt: [[I survived The Holocaust->Holocaust]] [[I received an organ transplant->Organ Transplant]] [[I was in the military/saw combat in a war->military]] [[My brother was abused->not me]]

You've known for the past month that your heart isn't good anymore. Incurable disease. The damage has been done. You are young and so you were put on the transplant list as soon as your doctors knew there could be nothing else to be done. You find out that you were bumped to the top of the list, which means that any day could me a surgery to save your life. One day the call finally comes. You are getting a new heart! You: [[Feel so excited that you'll feel better for the first time in months and will have a second chance to live your live->exciting]] [[Happy, but sad that someone had to die in order for you to get their heart->sad]]

You were a youth while in the concentration camps. You recall all the horrors of it. So many people died. All your family, your friends; none of them survived. You were there when the Allies came in from the sky to rescue all of you from the camps. You couldn't go home. There wasn't a home left for you. You sailed across the ocean to America where you were able to find a spouse and raised a family. You kept yourself occupied with your family and new friends, new home in America. Years after the events of the Holocaust, when your children had grown to be about the same age you were while in the camps; nightmares began haunting your nights. Dreams of your dead family and friends, of strangers being put into the gas chambers, bodies shoveled into the furnace. These nightmares keep you up at night and as you look at your live you have made, you can't help but wonder why it was you that survived. Why was it you that made it out? Why not your best friend or your younger sister? Why didn't you die with the rest of your people? Why were you so lucky to have a family and a rich life while others died so young, never living long enough to experience such happiness you had? You: [[Think that you need to talk with your spouse about this->talk to spouse]] [[Shielded your family from this for a reason and decide to stay quiet about the nightmares and guilty feelings->not a sound]]

You were a part of a family away from home. You were a part of a "band of brothers". A team that had your back and you had theirs. You were sent into a foreign country. War and battles happening constantly throughout the days. You were afraid, but knowing your mates had you back gave you the courage to push through. One day, you and your team were heading into enemy territory. Bullets began to fly and explosions were happening all around you. You scarcely had time to react when instincts kicked in. Returning fire. Heading deeper into the lines. You felt the presence of your best friend in the group next to you, clearing the lines alongside you. Then that presence was no longer there. You turned to find your best friend lying on the ground. A hole was in his gut. Blood everywhere. You attend to him. Telling him that he'll be okay. By the time your team had taken the area and the bullets stopped moving past you, your best friend was gone. You were sent home after serving your full time. Walking into the airport you see your wife. You: [[Run to her, so happy to see her for the first time after a few months->happy]] [[Break down seeing her after so long and after such a hard time of war->break down]]

Growing up you never knew that your grandfather was abusing your brother since he was 10. You had seen a difference in him at that time when he stopped playing with you as much and seemed to pick on you more, but you didn't know what was going on. When he was old enough he left home. A few years later, he decided he wanted to be a better brother to you. Over the course of a few months, it seemed like you two were back to the old pals you once were. One day when you two were reminiscing on your childhood, you brought up the fact that he changed at some point. He turned somber as he decided it was time to tell you what had been going on. He related to you some of the terrible times he dealt with. Since he left home though, he has been seening a therapist and has opened up to your parents. When he finishes he waits for a response from you. You: [[Sit in silence unsure of what to say after hearing this->silence]] [[Say you had no idea anything like that was going on->no idea]] [[Tell him how sorry you are he went through that->sorry]]

Okay, then hang out here until you are ready. Ready to say start now? [[Yes->Start]]

Have you heard of Survivor's Guilt and know what it is? [[Yes->You're Alive]] [[No->definition]] [[Sort of->definition]]

Survivor's Guilt is something that happens when a person survives a traumatic experience, usually where someone died and they did not. They begin to feel guilty for being alive. Pretty straightforward, but a lot of people don't realize it happens. Ready to continue? [[Yes->You're Alive]] [[No->did you know?]]

Seeing that you don't know how to take this right now, he says he knows it's a lot to take in at the moment that you don't have to say anything. When you go home and get ready for bed, your thoughts are pondering on the events your brother endured. Thoughts of why something so terrible would happen to your brother? Why didn't he tell anyone? Why didn't it happen to you? You head to bed: [[And decide to go to sleep without thinking anymore of this->go to sleep]] [[And stay awake most of the night pondering on these thoughts and questions->stay awake]]

He replies that he knows you didn't because he tried really hard to keep it a secret. You ask him why he didn't tell anyone. He just says that he didn't know how to explain what was happening, he felt like it was his fault for being treated that way. "You were just a kid though! It wasn't your fault!" you tell him. He says he knows, he knows that now that it wasn't his fault, but he still didn't know how to tell anyone. Not wanting to pain him anymore about talking of this subject, the conversation goes to some other topic. When you go home and get ready for bed, your thoughts are pondering on the events your brother endured. Thoughts of why something so terrible would happen to your brother? Why didn't he tell anyone? Why didn't it happen to you? You head to bed: [[And decide to go to sleep without thinking anymore of this->go to sleep]] [[And stay awake most of the night pondering on these thoughts and questions->stay awake]]

He tells you," it wasn't your fault it happened." "It wasn't your fault it happened either...." you respond. He tells you that he knows none of it was his fault and he's beginning to come to terms with what happened. When you go home and get ready for bed, your thoughts are pondering on the events your brother endured. Thoughts of why something so terrible would happen to your brother? Why didn't he tell anyone? Why didn't it happen to you? You head to bed: [[And decide to go to sleep without thinking anymore of this->go to sleep]] [[And stay awake most of the night pondering on these thoughts and questions->stay awake]]

You didn't get much sleep. Nightmares of your brother and his abuse tormented you throughout the night, keeping you awake. Throughout the day, you can't keep what happened out of your thoughts. Continually you are wondering,"Why didn't it happen to me? Why wasn't I the one abused? Why couldn't it have been me?" You start to feel guilty that you didn't say anything when saw your brother changing. You feel guilty that you didn't do anything. You feel guilty that you lived an actually pleasant childhood and your brother suffered. You want to talk to your brother and parents about the events of the past, but don't want to bring it up for fear of causing more pain. Throughout the next few weeks: [[You dwell more and more on these thoughts, making you depressed at the fact you were happy as a child and guilty for not giving the same to your brother->dwell]] [[Recognize that you couldn't have done anything and that you were a kid too->just a kid]]

You can't go to sleep, not with the thoughts of your brother being subjected to such a terrible childhood. Morning eventually comes and you have to prepare for the day. Throughout the day, you can't keep what happened out of your thoughts. Continually you are wondering,"Why didn't it happen to me? Why wasn't I the one abused? Why couldn't it have been me?" You start to feel guilty that you didn't say anything when saw your brother changing. You feel guilty that you didn't do anything. You feel guilty that you lived an actually pleasant childhood and your brother suffered. You want to talk to your brother and parents about the events of the past, but don't want to bring it up for fear of causing more pain. Throughout the next few weeks: [[You dwell more and more on these thoughts, making you depressed at the fact you were happy as a child and guilty for not giving the same to your brother->dwell]] [[Recognize that you couldn't have done anything and that you were a kid too->just a kid]]

Your brother confronts you about you acting strange ever since he told you want happened. He wants you to be able to talk out what you're feeling about the abuse. You: [[Tell him that you're fine and don't want to cause anymore pain to him talking about it->no fine]] [[Decide to tell him that you feel guilty for what happened->guilty]]

Thought this thought should help you to realize that there was nothing you could've done, you still feel guilty that it wasn't you that the abuse happened to. Your brother confronts you about you acting strange ever since he told you want happened. He wants you to be able to talk out what you're feeling about the abuse. You: [[Tell him that you're fine and don't want to cause anymore pain to him talking about it->no fine]] [[Decide to tell him that you feel guilty for what happened->guilty]]

You felt guilty that you were spared from a terrible situation when he wasn't. That you keep thinking you could have done something more to help him, to prevent the abuse from happening. You tell him how you feel so stupid for thinking such thoughts and having to talk to him about this when he's the one in actual pain. He tells you that it's normal to feel this way. There is no real reason to explain what happened and that you can't go about trying to explain the 'whys' of the situation, it happened and there's nothing that can change it. He tells you that it's okay to feel depressed about what happened and that he doesn't hold anything against you about it happening. Most importantly he tells you that now it is in the open, you both can help each other figure out your thoughts and feels about the abuse and hellp each other to cope with it. "It's okay that you didn't go through with it, I'm thankful you didn't and it's okay if you're thankful you didn't either. We'll work everything out." [[Go to end->The End]]

He tells you that he knows you aren't. He is here for you to talk things out because what happened didn't neccessarily just invovle him. He knows it can affect you too and that you probably have been having a lot of questions as to why it happened. You: [[Decide to talk to him about how you feel->guilty]]

Survivor's guilt is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a very real and justified emotional response. It is common, it is normal. So much of the time we focus on the "true" victims of a traumatic event that we neglect the feelings of the survivors. We neglect that even though they feel grateful to be alive and to have survived a terrible situation, that they still need support and care from those around them. Guilt is something that can isolate us, especially when we feel guilty for feeling guilty and not feeling so thankful that we survived when others didn't. It's important for us to recognize the need in survivors and to give support to them. It's important for those feeling this survivors guilt to not be afraid of seeking help. It's important that we honor the dead and those fallen to a traumatic experience as well as honoring the survivors and helping them get through the pain they feel for being alive. It's time that we give the living as much time as we do the dead. See some of the other stories? [[Yes->Start]]

You hug her so tight as she tells you how happen she is to have you back. Being back home feels very different. You don't really know what to do with yourself, but are sure you can get back into the swing of things in no time. The first night being back home was filled of nightmares. You kept dreaming of your best friend. Thinking about his wife, his newborn child he was so proud of. You stay awake that night with thoughts of him and his family and how he was right next to you when he was shot. Just a foot away. It could have been you. It should have been you. You didn't have a newborn child that was going to be fatherless now. Why wasn't it you? Why didn't you suggest he be on the other side? Why didn't you try harder at keeping him alive? Maybe he would still be alive if you had done something different. You: [[Decide that it's no use thinking this way->no point]] [[Look at your wife->wife]] [[Stay up the rest of the night thinking about this->you stayed up]]

The sight of her overwhelms you as you think of everything you just went through. You hold her in your arms as she holds you back. She tells you that she is so happy you are home safe and sound. She drives you home. Being back home feels very different. You don't really know what to do with yourself, but are sure you can get back into the swing of things in no time. The first night being back home was filled of nightmares. You kept dreaming of your best friend. Thinking about his wife, his newborn child he was so proud of. You stay awake that night with thoughts of him and his family and how he was right next to you when he was shot. Just a foot away. It could have been you. It should have been you. You didn't have a newborn child that was going to be fatherless now. Why wasn't it you? Why didn't you suggest he be on the other side? Why didn't you try harder at keeping him alive? Maybe he would still be alive if you had done something different. You: [[Decide that it's no use thinking this way->no point]] [[Look at your wife->wife]] [[Stay up the rest of the night thinking about this->you stayed up]]

What's happened has happened and you can't do anything to change it. But something tells you that you could've. You could have saved him. You feel guilty that he couldn't have seen his child. You feel guilty that even though you both were in the same place, at the same time that he was the one that got shot and died. You feel guilty that you didn't do more to save him. The next day: [[You think about talking to someone about how you feel->talk to someone]] [[You try to busy yourself with other things to get past how you feel->don't address it]]

You can't help, but think how she would feel if she knew what you were thinking; that you wish it was you who died and your best friend had lived. You feel guilty. Why would you think it would have been better for her to be a widow? You feel guilty that he couldn't have seen his child. You feel guilty that his child will grow up fatherless. You feel guilty that even though you both were in the same place, at the same time that he was the one that got shot and died. You feel guilty that you didn't do more to save him. The next day: [[You think about talking to someone about how you feel->talk to someone]] [[You try to busy yourself with other things to get past how you feel->don't address it]]

All your thoughts keep you awake. You can't sleep with all these emotions. You wish it was you who had died and your friend had lived. What's happened has happened and you can't do anything to change it. But something tells you that you could've. You could have saved him. You feel guilty that he couldn't have seen his child. You feel guilty that even though you both were in the same place, at the same time that he was the one that got shot and died. You feel guilty that you didn't do more to save him. The next day: [[You think about talking to someone about how you feel->talk to someone]] [[You try to busy yourself with other things to get past how you feel->don't address it]]

Your wife decided to through you a welcome home party with family and friends. Despite it being a happy occasion, you can't help but think about how guilty you feel and want to talk to someone about it. The problem is, everytime you talk to someone they say how great it is that you came home alive and that you should feel grateful. You should count your blessings that you weren't killed. How can you talk to them now? They make you feel more guilty for not feeling grateful for being alive. [[You decide to not talk to anyone about how you feel->no talking]]

Your wife decided to through you a welcome home party with family and friends. You think that this will be a welcome distraction from your guilty thoughts and feelings. Yet, despite it being a happy occasion, you can't help but think how terrible you feel and want to talk to someone about it. About the pain and guilt you're having. The problem is, everytime you talk to someone they say how great it is that you came home alive and that you should feel grateful. You should count your blessings that you weren't killed. How can you talk to them now? They make you feel more guilty for not feeling grateful for being alive. [[You decide to not talk to anyone about how you feel->no talking]]

Over the next few months, you replay the events leading up to your friend's death over and over again in your mind, trying to make sense of it all and if you could have done something to change it. Your wife in the meantime keeps trying to bring up the topic of having kids soon. You always brush it away, not feeling worthy enough or that you could take care of a child when you couldn't even protect your best friend. You begin to have thoughts that you're not worthy to be alive. You think that it would be better if you were dead so that the shame and guilt won't continue to loom over your family. Your wife has noticed that you haven't been the same since coming home, that you are depressed. She confronts you one day and asks you to just talk to her about how you're feeling and what's going on? You: [[Decide it is okay to open up to her, it's okay to admit what happened because she is there for you->you talk]] [[Tell her that you just haven't been sleeping well and sure that it's just a phase you're going through->liar]]

You open up with the fact that you lost a friend while in combat. As you talk more and more, you open up more and more to her. Relaying your thoughts and feelings to her that you've had since being home even though they might hurt her. She listens to you the entire time, sitting by your side. With your thoughts and feeling out in the open, she tells you that what you're feeling is valid. She tells you that you're not alone in this and that there is plenty of help out there for you and she is always there for you. Though all your guilt and pain isn't completely taken away, you feel like you can find answers to some of the questions you've had. You feel like there can be more for you to do besides dwelling on an event that can't be changed. She suggestst that you talk with a therapist and maybe when you're ready to talk with your friend's wife, try to honor his memory in some way you can. [[Go to The End->The End]]

Not wanting to push you to talk, she lets you alone. You feel guilty for not letting her in, for not talking to her about it, but you feel like she wouldn't understand. As the days wear on, you and her begin fighting over the fact that you don't talk anymore and that you are so distant. She pressures you to just talk to her, but you can't explain to her how you feel. No one knows how you feel. You don't want to be burden on anyone any more. You don't want to feel guilty anymore for what happened. You feel like you aren't worthy to live. You are a disgrace for not trying harder to save your friend. You of course take the coward way out because how could you be heroic after not saving your friend. You take the pills. Your wife comes home to find you. There was nothing she could do. You were gone. [[Go to the end->The End]]

The surgery went very well. You lay in your hospital bed with your family standing around you. You all are so happy for this chance. The doctor comes in and relays the success of the surgery and the procedures that will happen when you are discharged. Before he goes: [[You ask him who it was that gave you the heart->ask]] [[You go to ask him who it was that gave you the heart, but decide you don't actually want to know and just say thank you->thanks]]

He tells you that it was a young man about 17 who got in a car accident. He was the oldest of four, an athelete. He then tentatively asked if you wanted to meet the parents of the young man. You: [[Tell him yes, that you'd like to meet them and thank them->yes]] [[You tell him that you would rather not bother them at such a hard time->don't bother]]

You feel guilty for not wanting to know the person who is soley responsible for you being alive at the moment and will you keep you that way for many more years. But you brush it aside because it is supposed to be a happy time. As soon as you are let out of the hospital and begin to really use the new heart, you can't help but wonder who it was that gave it to you. After a few weeks, you call the doctor to ask if he can still give you the information on the person. He relays that they can still tell her who it was without disclosing too personal of information. He tells you that it was a young man about 17 who got in a car accident. He was the oldest of four, an athelete. He then tentatively asked if you wanted to meet the parents of the young man because he knew if she were willing that they would like to meet her and he could arrange it. You: [[Tell him yes, that you'd like to meet them and thank them->yes]] [[You tell him that you would rather not bother them at such a hard time->don't bother]]

You meet them. They say nothing after you are introduced to each other, both sides lost for words. You didn't realize how hard it would be to meet them, to see the pain in their eyes. You begin to tell them how grateful you are to them, but can hardly finish it. They tell you they were glad he could save someone. Through the course of the meeting, they tell you about their son, how great he was, the prospects of his future. You start to feel guilty that such a great young man with a bright life ahead of him had to die in order for you to live. Throughout your days you start to wonder if you were worth it. Were you living a life that was worth someone else dying for? Why did it have to been him to die? Why were you so lucky to get a heart when others couldn't? You: [[Decide to talk to your family about this->talk it out]] [[Think that you aren't being grateful enough and keep your thoughts to yourself->don't talk it out]]

You start to think about the young man whose heart you now have. You think about what he would have been like, what his dreams and aspirations were. What he would've become, if he would've been great. Throughout your days you start to wonder if you were worth it. Were you living a life that was worth someone else dying for? Why did it have to been him to die? Why were you so lucky to get a heart when others couldn't? You: [[Decide to talk to your family about this->talk it out]] [[Think that you aren't being grateful enough and keep your thoughts to yourself->don't talk it out]]

You tell them how you have been feeling. You feel ashamed and embarassed that you feel guilty for having his heart. They tell you that it is normal to feel this way. You can feel grateful and guilty at the same time because it is a sad occasion and circumstance. They encourage you to talk it out, not only to them, but to the family of the young man. Through the course of a few weeks, you feel better about receiving his heart and decide to honor him by doing more service and taking better care of yourself. You start to come to terms with your guilt and realize that sometimes things just happen and there isn't anything we can do to stop them. You become closer to your family as you talk everything out as well as to the family of the young man. You try to help keep his memory alive with them and do him justice by looking in on them often. [[Go to the end->The End]]

Not talking to anyone just lets your thoughts fester. You start to wonder why it was you who got his heart or why he had to die. Your family becomes concerned with you and insists on you talking to them. You finally decide that you can open up to them. You tell them how you have been feeling. You feel ashamed and embarassed that you feel guilty for having his heart. They tell you that it is normal to feel this way. You can feel grateful and guilty at the same time because it is a sad occasion and circumstance. They encourage you to talk it out, not only to them, but to the family of the young man. Through the course of a few weeks, you feel better about receiving his heart and decide to honor him by doing more service and taking better care of yourself. You start to come to terms with your guilt and realize that sometimes things just happen and there isn't anything we can do to stop them. You become closer to your family as you talk everything out as well as to the family of the young man. You try to help keep his memory alive with them and do him justice by looking in on them often. [[Go to the end->The End]]

Though you think it would be nice to talk to them about this, you know they didn't go through the camps. You have talked little about your experience in the past, why would you bring it up now? Why share with them the pain? You feel alone in this and there is no one you know who knows what it was like over there. You start to linger on thoughts of why it was you left alive and if you could have done something to help others to survive as well or done something to stop the camps. You keep thinking that you should be grateful you made it out alive, you the only one in your family. But, that just makes it worse. You keep thinking that it should have been someone else, that you aren't worthy to have such a chance at a great life when so many others were deprived from it. Your spouse begins to notice that you're not as happy as you were, that you are feeling distant. They confront you about this one day, saying that they are there for you and want to help you through whatever it is that is bothering you. You: [[Know that they love you and what to help you, you decide to talk to them about everything->yay you talk]] [[Don't want them to have to take on your pain, don't want to go through telling them how guilty you feel for your life->don't talk to them]]

You have talked little about your experience in the past, why would you bring it up now? Why share with them the pain? You feel alone in this and there is no one you know who knows what it was like over there. You start to linger on thoughts of why it was you left alive and if you could have done something to help others to survive as well or done something to stop the camps. You keep thinking that you should be grateful you made it out alive, you the only one in your family. But, that just makes it worse. You keep thinking that it should have been someone else, that you aren't worthy to have such a chance at a great life when so many others were deprived from it. Your spouse begins to notice that you're not as happy as you were, that you are feeling distant. They confront you about this one day, saying that they are there for you and want to help you through whatever it is that is bothering you. You: [[Know that they love you and what to help you, you decide to talk to them about everything->yay you talk]] [[Don't want them to have to take on your pain, don't want to go through telling them how guilty you feel for your life->don't talk to them]]

You tell them everything. You tell them about the nightmares and guilt you have been feeling that you made it out alive when millions were not so fortunate. You tell them that you can't help but think that there could have been something you could've done to save someone, anyone, but didn't. They tell you how it is normal to feel this way. We naturally think about what we could have done in a situation that was completely out of our control. They tell you how you couldn't have done anything and that you have honored your family by raising a great family. They tell you that you aren't alone in this and that they'll find some Holocaust survivors that you can talk to and hopefully can find some relief from your guilt. You talk often with them and are actually able to find many Holocaust survivors that have very similar feelings to you and are able to finally start healing from your survivor's guilt. [[Go to the end->The End]]

You tell them that nothing is wrong and that you're fine. They see past your lie and push on to tell you that they know you suffered a terrible experience and are there for you. They married you because they love you and are always going to be there for you no matter what. It's okay if you think that you'll be unfairly unloading on them, they tell you that's how it's supposed to be and they want you to talk it out with them. You tell them everything. You tell them about the nightmares and guilt you have been feeling that you made it out alive when millions were not so fortunate. You tell them that you can't help but think that there could have been something you could've done to save someone, anyone, but didn't. They tell you how it is normal to feel this way. We naturally think about what we could have done in a situation that was completely out of our control. They tell you how you couldn't have done anything and that you have honored your family by raising a great family. They tell you that you aren't alone in this and that they'll find some Holocaust survivors that you can talk to and hopefully can find some relief from your guilt. You talk often with them and are actually able to find many Holocaust survivors that have very similar feelings to you and are able to finally start healing from your survivor's guilt. [[Go to the end->The End]]