Sugarcane

Who would have thought the highlight of my week would be a prank call from a former professor?Back to the [[salt mines.|Support]]

<<print $name>>: Hello, Is this Shelley?Caller: This is she. Who's this?<<print $name>>: My name is <<print $name>>. I believe you spoke to my associate Jerry.Caller: Oh the lawyer. Yeah he said he didn't want nothing to do with my case.<<print $name>>: Well he specializes in...other areas of the law but I think I can help you. Can you tell me a little about your case?Caller: Well my ex is supposed to pay me $164 a week for our two kids.<<print $name>>: You have a court order instructing him to pay that amount?Caller: Yeah. Well back when we went to court he was making $650 a week but since then he's started working on weekends with his dad. I wouldn't even know about it but my kids are telling me he left them home by themselves all Saturday. Said he had to do it because he could make $300 in one afternoon. Anyway If he's going to be making all this extra money I think I should be getting more. You ever tried to raise two kids on $164 a week?<<print $name>>: I can't say I have. If your ex-husband is making more money then this would be a good case for a modification to the support order.Caller: He's making more alright. My kids wouldn't lie to me. Anyway how much is this going to cost me? You know I don't have much money since I'm relying on that cheap b*stard. [[1)|Modification 1]] I work on an hourly rate. I might be able to convince his attorney to agree to a modification without much fuss. I would estimate it shouldn't be more than $(small retainer) but I can't make any guarantees.[[2)|Modification 2]] This case could get complicated. It isn't like he got a new job with pay stubs. I might end up spending 20 hours working on this, if not more. With that in mind, I'll need $(large retainer). It doesn't have to be all up front but I want it paid off before we go to court.[[3)|Modification 3]] This shouldn't be too hard of a case. Let's say $(midsized retainer). I'll need a third to get me started then you can make payments every couple weeks.\n

Well, you know I don't think he should be charged with nothing but I guess a less serious charge is better than this nonsense they charged him with. You would have thought he was trying to kill somebody they way they treated him. I'll try to get some money [[together.|Post Domestic]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $twomoney += 2>>\n<<set $tworep += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Oh thank God. I told the cops they shouldn't have arrested him in the first place but they said they had to because of domestic violence laws. I tell you these politicians have taken all the common sense out of the law. Money's tight since Jim is in jail but I think I can get a couple hundred bucks [[together.|Post Domestic]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $twomoney += 2>>\n<<set $twostress +=1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Just like I thought, you lawyers are no better than the d*mn cops. I guess there's no justice unless you got a bunch of money. Thanks for wasting my time. I'm going to see if I can find an honest lawyer. I won't hold my [[breath.|Post Domestic]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $tworep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

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Here we go. Another lawyer trying to take advantage of people when they are at their most vulnerable. There's more to life than a little money. Don't you know [[that?|Post Divorce]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threerep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

It's a deal. Just tell me what information you need from [[us.|Post Divorce]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threemoney += 1>>\n<<set $threestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

You tell your colleagues you're going out to eat but really you just eat a sandwich in your car. You have to duck when Jessica is walking out to her car. She didn't see you. Nice. You walk into the office pretending to slurp from an old Arby's cup that was in your car. Tradecraft.Jerry: Hey <<print $name>>, while you were at lunch I talked to a woman about a case. It's a child support modification. Do you want to talk to her?<<print $name>>: You don't want it?Jerry: No those cases are too messy. Plus my wife is knocking out our bills right now. I'm not desperate enough to get mixed up in family law.<<print $name>>: I guess I am.Jerry: Cool. Here's her number.[[Give her a call.|Modification]]

Great. You get a free counseling session and I just wasted a bunch of time when I could actually have been making a sale. Thanks, [[pal.|Post Telemarketer B]]

I think you'll find these very helpful. If you like these, and I'm sure you will, I can set you up with our full [[line.|Post Telemarketer B]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fivemoney -= 1>>\n<<set $fivestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Caller:\n\n\n<<print $name>>:\n\n\nJessica:\n\n\nJerry:\n\n\nWalk-In:\n\n\nJim:

Ham and Egg Lawyer

Oh my god. I talked to this boy with tears in my eyes telling him that nothing good can come from associating with these gutter snipes. And now here he is facing 10 years in prison. My boy doesn't belong behind bars with these mongrels. And now this corrupt justice system makes me pay thousands of dollars to clear my son's name. It's one tragedy after another. Sweet Jesus up in heaven please deliver me from these corrupt cops, persecuting prosecutors, and lamentable [[lawyers.|Post Drugs]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $twomoney += 3>>\n<<set $tworep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

A telemarketer? Pffff. That's not going to slow your Friday roll. If you can just get out of here without a custody battle call your weekend will be golden. The phone is ringing. The dice are [[rolling.|DUI]]

Oh praise Jesus. I know if the prosecutor just hears the facts he'll let my son go and go after those two [[mongrels.|Post Drugs]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $twomoney += 1>>\n<<set $twostress += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\n

What kind of pronouns should I use? [[Male|Day 1M]] or [[Female|Day 1F]]?\n<<silently>>\n<<set $name = prompt("Please enter your name","Hector")>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well sh*t you don't have to be like that. I just asked a question. If I do need a lawyer, I won't be calling your rude [[a**.|Post Brothers]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threerep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well I can't do that. My husband would notice pretty quick if I wrote out a check to a lawyer. I'll just look on the [[internet.|Post Brothers]]

Thank you. I wasn't sure who to call with this. I can't really go around asking my friends if you know what I [[mean.|Post Brothers]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threerep += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

This is how it felt for me to be a lawyer. It isn't everyone's experience. Every day I was afraid of the phone ringing. Every call was a situation I wasn't sure I could handle, a situation I didn't want to be involved in, or both. And while I wanted to unplug the phone from the wall I also wanted it to ring off the hook because if it didn't ring I couldn't pay my bills and if it didn't ring I would be failing.\n\nWhat I've tried to convey here is the conflicting feelings that came with every call. Practicing law as a business is a delicate balance. I'm a salesman because I know that the good salesman makes the most money. I'm an advisor in a position of power because I know more about the legal system than the people who come to me for help. With every call there is the potential to have to choose between my livelihood and my clients' best interest. Fortunately the two often overlap.\n\nAnother challenge of being a lawyer is having people tell you a series of ridiculous, hilarious, horrifying, or unbelievable and not being able to retell them. The situations here are inspired by calls I actually recieved and by the situations I was afraid I would hear when I answered the phone.

<<silently>>\n<<set $stress = $onestress + $twostress + $threestress + $fourstress + $fivestress>>\n<<set $rep = $onerep + $tworep + $threerep + $fourrep + $fiverep>>\n<<set $money = $onemoney + $twomoney + $threemoney + $fourmoney+ $fivemoney>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYour week end totals.Your total money is <<print $money>>.Your total reputation is <<print $rep>>.Your total stress is <<print $stress>>.\n\n<<if $money is 13>>You made the most money possible, *cough* One percenter.<<endif>>\n<<if $money is -4>>You made the least money possible, hippie.<<endif>>\n<<if $stress is 7>>You achieved maximum stress, masochist.<<endif>>\n<<if $stress is -4>>You avoided the most stress. Very Zen.<<endif>>\n<<if $rep is 5>> You have the best reputation possible. Mayor <<print $name>>?<<endif>>\n<<if $rep is -10>> You have the worst reputation possible. Typical lawyer.<<endif>>\n\nThis is the end. I hope you...learned something?\n<<silently>>\nMost money=13\nLeast money = -4\nMost stress = 7\nLeast stress = -4\nMost reputation = 5\nLeast Reputation = -10\n<<endsilently>>

After she walks out you start muttering to yourself. "What did you do today, <<print $name>>? Oh I just talked to a woman about how to get her drunk, abusive husband out of jail. What about you? Oh that's right I can't talk about my cases. Good thing you always listen, Mr. Mirror." The only thing that could make this day better is an always interesting, probably horrible [[phone call.|Drugs]]

After a morning like this I can't wait to go sit in a a conference room and learn basic computing. I'll never complain about [[CLE|CLE]] again.

I don't have that kind of money. My sister had a case just like this and she only paid half as much. I'm gonna see if I can get her [[lawyer.|End Day 1]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $onerep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Good Lord, I wish I could charge people that kind of money. I guess it'll be worth it in the long run though. My youngest is only three so over the next fifteen years maybe I'll make my money back. I'll bring some money tomorrow. I don't get paid again until next Thursday. I'll bring some more then and we can get this going. The sooner the [[better.|End Day 1]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $onemoney += 2>>\n<<set $onestress +=1>>\n<<endsilently>>

I'm sorry I don't like to get into things without knowing how much it's going to cost me. Thanks anyway.[[Oh rats.|End Day 1]]

I appreciate your honesty but I'm in no position to be accommodating. Tell me who your experienced colleague is and I'll hire him. I'll tell him you referred me and maybe he'll let you help out on the case. Then you can get some experience without possibly ruining my [[life.|Post DUI]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fivestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well you've got the lawyer double talk down pat but I need someone with some skills that are going to benefit [[me.|Post DUI]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fiverep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well I'm confident that I'm going to find another lawyer. Good luck on your first DUI. It ain't going to be [[mine.|Post DUI]]

You go up to an overweight, balding, middle-aged guy. Based on your understanding of stereotypes this guy should be glad that someone is talking to him and should have a few years of practice under his belt.<<print $name>>: Hi, my name's <<print $name>>. I'm a new attorney around here.Jim: Jim Walters, glad to meet you. What kind of law do you practice?<<print $name>>: A little bit of everything.Jim: I know that story. Anything to keep the lights on.<<print $name>>: Pretty much. What about you?Jim: Well I started out the same as you but over time I kind of specialized in DUIs. Got pretty good at them I suppose. Good enough to keep the phone ringing. That's good enough for me. [[1)|Party C1]] I'm interested in doing some DUIs myself. If you ever have more than you can handle, feel free to send some my way.[[2)|Party C2]] I'd like to build up an expertise like that. Right now I'm just trying to make a few dollars and not get disbarred for incompetence. Hey do you think I could call you for advice if I get tripped up on one of my cases?

Mmmm cucumbers sandwiches. You can feel your scurvy clearing up. [[1)|Party C]] There's still time to mingle and you're not drunk which puts you at a distinct advantage to most of the party goers.[[2)|End Day 4A]] I got what I came for. Let's head home.\n

Drinking has once again put your problems in perspective. You pretend to get a phone call, put your finger in your ear, and walk outside ostensibly so you can hear better. Suckers.[[Head home.|End Day 4A]]

Caller: Oh I already called them. They said it would be 6 months before they could file the paperwork. I don't want to wait that long. They said a private attorney could just work on a contingency fee. Do you do that?<<print $name>>: Yeah we can do [[that.|Post Support]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fourrep += 1>>\n<<set $fourmoney += 2>>\n<<endsilently>>

Ok that will work. Good thing cause I don't have any money right [[now.|Post Support]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fourmoney += 2>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well I don't have that kind of money. At Child Support Enforcement they said I could find an attorney who would work on a contingency. I'm going to find one of [[those.|Post Support]]

After that last call, you take some time to reflect on why you went to law school. You come to the horrifying realization that "My Cousin Vinny" looks sophisticated compared to what you're doing.[[Let's call it a day.|End Day 3]]

Caller: Yeah I need to speak to an attorney.<<print $name>>: I'm an attorney, how can I help you?I'm here with my landlord. He's says he's going to throw me out because I've got my cousin living with me. Can he do that? I'm all paid up on my rent. [[1)|Landlord 1]] Well that would depend on your lease. Many leases require you to list everyone who is going to live there. If you have someone living there who isn't on the lease he would have grounds to evict you. But I would have to see the lease. If there's nothing like that in your lease then he wouldn't be able to evict you.[[2)|Landlord 2]] I'm sorry. I don't give out legal advice over the phone.\n\n\n

You call out to your co-workers, "Did you guys put a billboard in front of a trailer park? No? Ok just checking." [[ring ring|Property]]

Caller: Hello, I've got a legal issue I need taken care of promptlty.<<print $name>>: OK.Caller: I'm just telling you because I know a lot of lawyers take a case and then don't do a thing with it for six months and don't call you back or anything.<<print $name>>: Well you're in luck. My case load is unusually light right now. What's the issue?Caller: Well, years ago my family sold part of our property. We needed the money at the time but we wanted to make sure our neighbors didn't mess up the area too much. So they put a covenant in the deed preventing them from cutting down certain, old trees.So on Monday I see this son of a b*tch out there with a chain saw cutting down trees. I went over and told him he couldn't do that and he got all nasty with me. I called the cops but they said that this was a civil matter and they couldn't stop him. So I'm calling you. I want to get a court order telling him not to cut any more and I want to sue him for the trees he already cut. Can you handle that? [[1)|Property 1]] Sure can. We'll file for an injunction and sue him for the damage he's done to the value of your property. The court can't un-cut trees so we'll have to rush. My fee for the injunction and the suit for damages will be $(large retainer), that doesn't include any outside experts we might need.[[2)|Property 2]] Yes I can. Getting an injunction shouldn't be a problem. I need to advise you that suing for damages probably won't make economic sense. The value of your property probably didn't change much because your neighbor doesn't have as many trees. Plus we'll have to pay an assessor to prove the value. If you still want to do it, we'll do it. I'll have to charge you at my hourly rate because I don't know how long this case will take.

Ok that wasn't horrible. Better yet it's 3:00. It would be aces to go out on an easy case that would actually bring in some money, like a will for a yuppie who just had his first child. He would come in with all the paperwork in a folder and he'd have a check and it wouldn't bounce. That would be [[peerrrrrrrrrfect.|Back Rent]]

You survived your first call. And, as if that weren't enough, he believed you were an actual lawyer. You pour yourself a congratulatory cup of coffee (the previous three were merely mental sustenance). Still having no work to do, you get back to Netflix.[[Ringy Dingy.|Accident]]

Well that's it for today. You have to go home and get ready for the [[shindig.|Party]]

The phone hasn't been ringing much or at all if you want to get technical about it. So you're watching "The Walking Dead" on your computer. You use empty binders and legal pads to make a makeshift fort around your computer monitor. You stick your head inside and watch your horror-drama without the oppresive brighness of flourescent lights. Just when things are getting good, the phone rings. [[grrrrrr.|Pedo]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $pro1 to "he">>\n<<set $pro2 to "His">>\n<<endsilently>>

Ain't that something. A woman spills coffee on herself and gets millions. I almost get killed and you're telling me my case ain't worth your precious time. I tell you what, I'll find somebody who's interested in justice instead of just getting rich.[[(angry hangup)|Post Lunch]]

Jessica: Good morning <<print $name>>!<<print $name>>: Good morning.Jessica: Don't forget we have that CLE today at 12:00.<<print $name>>: What's the topic?Jessica: "Using Technology to Improve Your Practice." I think it's mostly going to teach the old lawyers how to use the internet.<<print $name>>: Well at least I won't have to feel guilty for staring at my computer the whole time.Jessica: I'm going to use the time to type up an order. It'll look like I'm taking copious notes on things like "The Google."<<print $name>>: (chuckles) Oh, old people. Well I hope I get at least one call so today isn't a total waste.Just then a woman walks in to the office. "Is anybody [[here?"|Domestic]]

<<print $name>>: Aspirational Law Firm, this is <<print $name>>.Caller: Yeah I need to talk to a lawyer.<<print $name>>: I'm...a lawyer.Caller: Me and my friends have a bet, yeah that's it, a bet going about what the age of consent is. I say that you shouldn't be messing around with anybody under 18 but they say it's 16. It's not like I'm-- I mean "we", are going to do anything. We were just hoping you could settle this hypothetical situation. [[1)|Pedo 1]] This doesn't sound like the kind of "bet" I want to be involved in. If I were you I'd put this question to a police officer and see what he or she says.[[2)|Pedo 2]] My advice as a lawyer is that I don't give out legal advice over the phone. My advice as a human being is find a girl your own age.[[3)|Pedo 3]] I can't give you a solid answer on that one. In some situations 16 is the age of consent but there are a bunch of exceptions. So to be on the safe side I'd probably just stay north of 18 if I were you.

Sounds good. I called another lawyer before you and he said he couldn't do nothing for me. His loss. I don't have much money right now but maybe after I get my insurance [[check.|Post Lunch]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $onemoney += 3>>\n<<set $onerep -= 2>>\n<<set $onestress += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

The phone hasn't been ringing much, or at all if you want to get technical about it. So you're watching "The Walking Dead" on your computer. You use empty binders and legal pads to make a makeshift fort around your computer monitor. You stick your head inside and watch your horror-drama without the oppressive brightness of fluorescent lights. Just when things are getting good, the phone rings. [[grrrrrr.|Pedo]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $pro1 to "she">>\n<<set $pro2 to "Her">>\n<<endsilently>>

To celebrate the fact that it's Friday you spend the first hour at work figuring out what Rebecca Black is up to these days. After seeing your aunt post "TGIF" on Facebook you spend the next hour reading the Wikipedia page about the ABC programming block TGIF. What in the world is "Just the Ten of Us"? You would gladly spend the day falling down the Wikipedia rabbit hole but the stupid phone is [[ringing.|Telemarketer B]]

You come in to work feeling optimistic. There's a fund raiser tonight, a judge or prosecutor. It doesn't matter, there will be free drinks and food. Best of all, there will be a bunch of lawyers. Surely one of them will tell you the secret to being a happy, healthy, successful lawyer. You just have to get through the [[day.|Landlord]]

Caller: I'm looking to get a price on an uncontested divorce.<<print $name>>: OK.Caller: I already looked online. I can get all the paperwork for $300 on Legal Zigga Zig Ow. I'm willing to pay you the same amount so I can talk to a real person. My cousin is a legal secretary and she says they're all the same anyway. [[1)|Divorce 1]] You got it. 300 bucks out the door.[[2)|Divorce 2]] I'll take $300 as my fee but you'll have to pay the filing fee, notary fees, and other incidentals.[[3)|Divorce 3]] Your cousin shouldn't be giving legal advice without a license. An uncontested divorce is fairly routine but I'm not a clerk, I'm an attorney. If you come in for a consultation, I can evaluate your situation and determine if your divorce would be that simple. The consultation will be $100 and if we decide that it's a simple case I'll do it for $300 plus expenses.

Caller: Yeah I need to talk to a lawyer.<<print $name>>: I'm a lawyer. How can I help you?Caller: Oh sorry, I thought you would have a secretary or something. I'm calling trying to get my ex-husband to pay the child support he owes me.<<print $name>>: How far behind is he?Caller: Oh gosh, it's a ton. Got to be over $2000 dollars by now.<<print $name>>: Ok...that's a good amount.Caller: You're not kidding. That's 6 months of lot fees. So is that something you do? [[1)|Support 1]] I could help you with that but I feel the need to tell you that the Office of Child Support Enforcement will actually do that for free. It'll probably take them longer to do it but that's an option.[[2)|Support 2]] Sure. Since it's back child support I can work on a contingency fee so you won't have any out of pocket costs. My fee will be 1/3 of the money that I recover for you.[[3)|Support 3]] Sure do. These family situations can get complicated so it's going to cost $(mid sized retainer). We can work out a payment plan if you don't have it all.

Now you'll never find out your co-workers' backstories. I wouldn't worry about it, they are pretty minor characters in the [[story.|Head Home]]

Disclaimer: This game is for entertainment purposes. It is not legal advice. The statements of law within reflect the law of an imaginary jurisdiction. I'm not your lawyer and this isn't advice. Consult a licensed attorney in your jurisdiction if you want legal advice.\n\nLess important disclaimer: The characters in the story aren't based on anyone I worked with. I had the good fortune of working with and around some great people.[[Let's go!|Intro]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $mental=0>>\n<<set $rep=0>>\n<<set $money=0>>\n<<set $onemental=0>>\n<<set $onerep=0>>\n<<set $onemoney=0>>\n<<set $twomental=0>>\n<<set $tworep=0>>\n<<set $twomoney=0>>\n<<set $threemental=0>>\n<<set $threerep=0>>\n<<set $threemoney=0>>\n<<set $fourmental=0>>\n<<set $fourrep=0>>\n<<set $fourmoney=0>>\n<<set $fivemental=0>>\n<<set $fiverep=0>>\n<<set $fivemoney=0>>\n<<endsilently>>

Caller: (turns his head away from the phone) I'm talking to a lawyer right now and <<print $pro1>> says you're full of sh*t. (pause) <<print $pro2>> name is <<print $name>> and <<print $pro1>> says you're talking out of your a**.Thanks <<print $name>>. Hey if you do any pro bono work I can keep you real busy. Mother f*ckers around here are always getting in to some [[sh*t.|Post Landlord]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fourrep += 1>>\n<<set $fourstress += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Oh I get it, all you rich mother f*ckers stick together. Well you and this landlord can both kiss my a**. I'm telling everybody around here not to deal with your dumb [[a**.|Post Landlord]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fourrep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Well at least the telemarketers think I have money. That's got to count for something.[[buhrrrrrrrriiiinnnnggg|Divorce]]

You look out your bedroom window at the skating rink parking lot below. Once they turn off this dance music, you're going to sleep like a baby.Today your choices lead to the following status changes. And yes your stress level and reputation are quantifiable. Blame science.Money <<print $onemoney>>.Reputation <<print $onerep>>.Stress <<print $onestress>>.<<if $onemoney is 5>>Achievement! 'Cash Rules Everything Around Me'<<endif>>\n<<if $onerep is -3>>Achievement! 'I Know I Got a Bad Reputation'<<endif>>\n<<if $onestress is 2>>Achievement! 'Stress Hoarder'<<endif>>\nOn to [[Tuesday|Day 2]]

That's the spirit. Many of our customers report that the books pay for themselves within 15 years of purchase, so you're making a wise decision. And remember, if for any reason you quit your practice because of a mental breakdown, drug habit, etc we have a generous buy back [[program.|Post Telemarketer B]] \n<<silently>>\n<<set $fivemoney -= 2>>\n<<set $fivestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Hmmm. Well at least the judge or prosecutor or whoever the party was for saw you there...maybe.Money <<print $fourmoney>>.Reputation <<print $fourrep>>.Stress <<print $fourstress>>. \n<<if $fourrep is 3>>Achievement! 'Modern Day Atticus'<<endif>>\n<<if $fourmoney is 2>>Achievement! 'Cash Rules Everything Around Me'<<endif>>\nOne.More.[[Day.|Day 5]]

Caller: I have a weird question for you.<<print $name>>: That's my specialty.Caller: Have you ever done any paternity cases?<<print $name>>: Yes I have. Is that the weird question?Caller: No no. My question is related to a paternity thing. Like a DNA test.<<print $name>>: Ok.Caller: Ok, so I just had a baby. My husband and I already have a son together. Anyway about a year ago my husband left for a while. We were going through some things but we're ok now. Anyway when he was gone his brother came by just to make sure everything was alright since it was just me and an infant in the house by ourselves.Long story short I'm wondering if a DNA test is specific enough to tell who the father is when two brothers could be the father? I mean they share the same blood so I don't know if the test can tell when it's in a child that also has my blood. You get what I'm saying?<<print $name>>: I think I've got the situation. [[1)|Brothers 1]] Let me give my friend a call. She works for DHS. I'm sure you're not the first person to...have this situation.[[2)|Brothers 2]] Well I can do some research for you but as a lawyer I sell my time. So you'll have to pay me for a couple hours.[[3)|Brothers 3]] I'm sorry ma'am. I'm not a biologist. I can't help you out on this one. Call me back when you have a legal issue. It sounds like that won't be long from now.

<<silently>>\n<<set $fourrep += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>You mingled, sort of. You made an ally at least. And you can go post a humble brag on Facebook about how honored you were to be in the company of so many of your fellow lawyers.Drive your sociable self home.Money <<print $fourmoney>>.Reputation <<print $fourrep>>.Stress <<print $fourstress>>.\n<<if $fourrep is 3>>Achievement! 'Modern Day Atticus'<<endif>>\n<<if $fourmoney is 2>>Achievement! 'Cash Rules Everything Around Me'<<endif>>\nOne.More.[[Day.|Day 5]]\n\n\n

Caller: I need to talk to someone. My son just got arrested and I need to get him out of jail.<<print $name>>: What was he arrested for?Caller: They say drugs. I told him not to get in the car with those boys. This is what happens. They pull over the car, they find drugs, and then you get arrested even if you didn't have anything to do with it. I could just kill him for hanging out with that trash.<<print $name>>: Do you know what the specific charges are?Caller: It's possession of a controlled substance and it's a Class C felony. I can't believe they gave him a felony over some pot. I don't like him messing around with any of that stuff but that seems harsh.<<print $name>>: I don't think it was pot, ma'am. You don't get felony charges for small amounts of pot. I think they'd have to have over 10 pounds of pot for a Class C. If I had to guess I would say it's cocaine.Caller: Oh my god. Alright I don't want to think about that, it's making me sick. For now I just want to get you working on this thing. [[1)|Drugs 1]] Well I don't know much about the case so for now I need you to write me a check for $(small retainer). Then I'll go down to the jail and talk to him. If it's an easy case it may just take some negotiation with the prosecutor or it might be more complicated and I'll need more money.[[2)|Drugs 2]] Well this is a pretty serious crime. If he were convicted he could face up to 10 years in prison. For a crime like this I charge $(large retainer).

Ugh. Can't we go back to the good old days when routine legal actions were prohibitively expensive? Back then you could make a living. Mmmmm, imaginary nostalgia.Jerry: That one's yours. [[Line three.|Brothers]]

The phone immediately starts ringing again.You call out from behind your desk "Guys, if that's a guy who was just talking to me, say I can't come to the phone.Jessica: (chuckles) No [[problem.|End Day 5]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $fiverep -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Caller: I've got a major problem.<<print $name>>: Ok.Caller: I got a DUI last night. I can't get convicted of this. I have to drive for my job and I can't afford to go to jail or get my license suspended. I don't know what to do about this but I've got to do something.<<print $name>>: OK. Well tell me about the arrest and we'll start thinking about what we can do.Caller: Well I was at one of our restaurants training a new store manager. I'm a regional manager so that's why I need to be able to drive. Anyway I was there all day showing him how we do things. I don't know if you've worked in a restaurant but it can get stressful, it's fast paced. So at the end of the day we had a few drinks.<<print $name>>: How many is a few?Caller: Oh god, I don't know. I wasn't counting them off. Ok?<<print $name>>: More than 5? Less than 5?Caller: More than 5 but it was over two hours or more so I wasn't drunk. Anyway, we locked the place up and I got in my car and left. So I'm going along and I come to a stop sign. I need to make a right. So I slow down, I make sure nobody is coming and I make the right. Used my turn signal and everything.<<print $name>>: Did you stop before making the turn?Caller: (sighs) Here we go. No, I didn't stop. Now you're going to tell me the same thing as the cop. I slowed down and I made sure nobody was around and I went but I didn't stop. It would have been a waste of time. I've been to that store a million times, I know exactly what the traffic pattern is and I made sure nobody was coming. It couldn't have been safer.<<print $name>>: Ok, let's move on.Caller: So the cop stops me, tells me I ran a stop sign. I explain to him, just like I explained to you, that while I didn't come to a complete stop I took precautions that were just as safe as stopping. Then he says he smells alcohol, which is bullsh*t because I was chewing gum and I made sure my face was facing forward when I answered his questions. I think that alone ought to get this thing thrown out.<<print $name>>: (sigh)Caller: So he does some stuff with his flashlight, looking at my eyes and then he gives me a breathalyzer. And it comes up .082 which is just barely over right?<<print $name>>: Yeah .08 is the limit.Caller: Hey before we get too far, how many of these have you done? I can't afford to mess around with this thing. I want to make sure I have someone who knows what they're doing. [[1)|DUI 1]] Well if we went to court with this, it would be my first DUI court case. I've assisted on a few when I was clerking so I've had a good amount of experience and I'm confident that I can handle this one.[[2)|DUI 2]] That's hard to say. This would be my first case with this exact set of circumstances but I've handled similar cases. The fundamentals are the same. Don't worry.[[3)|DUI 3]] I'll be honest with you. This would be my first DUI case. I understand that you would want someone with experience that's why, if you decide to retain me, I'm going to partner with a colleague who almost only does DUIs.

No offense but if I get sued I'm going to find me a lawyer who understands my side of it. You sound like [[her.|End Day 5]]

<<print $name>>: Let's say you went in to Sam's Club and they had those free samples of crumb cake and they let you take five of them. Then as you're walking out the door they say you have to pay for what you've eaten. You'd be--Caller: But that's different, man. I'm not a big store with billions of dollars. I'm just... forget it man you don't get what I'm saying. Thanks [[anyway.|End Day 5]]

You sit in a lecture hall. It feels like your law school days except they won't be using the malicious weapon that is the Socratic Method. Even if they do, the question will probably be "Tell us what www stands for." You might even raise your hand just to feel smart. It took three years of law school but you're officially a gunner.[[Two days down. Bam.|End Day 2]]

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Caller: Hi, my name's Candy from Acura Nacura Legal Solutions. Am I speaking with <<print $name>>?<<print $name>>: That's me.Caller: It's my understanding that you recently started practicing law. I'd like to tell you about some powerful tools to enhance your practice.<<print $name>>: Oh thank God. I probably shouldn't be telling you this but half the time I don't know what I'm doing. I mean I know the fundamentals of the law but then one of these people calls up and says "I need to adopt my sister's step-son" and I'm thinking "alright I know what factors the courts going to look at and that we're going to have to terminate someone's parental rights" but as far as filing some piece of paper I have no idea what to do. (long pause) Sorry about that, I guess I'm a little stressed.Caller: Not a problem. That happens quite a bit in my line of work. We call it "ejaculatory candor." Anyway it seems you could greatly benefit from our line of practice guides which include forms from which you can make those pieces of paper that you file. [[1)|Telemarketer B1]] Alright if you've got some general guides about family law and criminal law I'll take those.[[2)|Telemarketer B2]] Give me me the full line. I want to be ready for anybody who walks through the door.[[3)|Telemarketer B3]] Actually now that I got my insecurities off my chest they don't seem so bad. I think I'm all set. Thanks for your time anyway. It's been cathartic.

Caller: Hello is this <<print $name>>?<<print $name>>: Yes.Caller: My name is Tohd with an h. I'm from Global Interweb Solution Group. I want to talk to you about your website.<<print $name>>: I'm not even sure where an h would go in Todd. What about my website?Caller: Well frankly it's a joke. I don't mean to be insulting but I'd like to help you attract more customers because your website isn't doing that.<<print $name>>: Well it's got my contact information and it describes my practice areas. I think that's pretty much what I want my website to do. What more do you think I need?Caller: One word: videos, lots and lots of videos. You see the kids these days they spend all day on YouTube. And as much as I'd like to be optimistic about the future of our youth, you and I both know that they'll be out buying dime bags and knocking up girls in no time. And when they need a lawyer they aren't going to spend time reading through your website. They'll be rushing to the website that looks most like their Facebook feed.<<print $name>>: I guess I agree with you to some extent although I don't have quite as dim a view of my clients. What do you got? [[1)|Telemarketer A1]] The cubic zirconia package. This is better than what you have but it's pretty bare bones. It includes an intro video, a video of you reading your phone number and address, and a video of a police officer denigrating you for preventing so many convictions.[[2)|Telemarketer A2]] The ruby package. This is where it starts getting serious. This package includes 15 videos on your homepage, 5 of which auto-play when the page loads. Several of the videos deal with your practice while the others are designed to imbue positive feelings about your business in general.[[3)|Telemarketer A3]] The blood diamond package. This is the top of the line. This package includes everything in the ruby package plus an auto-playing, fully licensed, soundtrack for your website, comprised of the Cops theme, "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle on a continuous loop. Boom![[4)|Telemarketer A4]] Thanks for your time but I'm not interested in redoing my website at this time.

You have $<<print $money>>.\nYour reputation is <<if $rep lte 2>>just another shark.<<endif>>\s\n<<if $rep is 3>>cautiously optomistic.<<endif>>\s\n<<if $rep is 4>>cautiously optomistic.<<endif>>\s\n<<if $rep gte 5>>you're good people.<<endif>>\nYour mental health is <<if $mental gte 70>>good.<<endif>>\s \n<<if $mental lte 30>>bad.<<endif>>\s \n<<if $mental is 40>>eh.<<endif>>\s\n<<if $mental is 50>>eh.<<endif>>\s\n<<if $mental is 60>>eh.<<endif>>\s\n

As you're packing up, Jerry and Jessica come in to your office.Jessica: We're heading down to that new bar Alanonos. Want to come?<<print $name>>: Well I had planned on drinking alone in my apartment buuuuuuut...Jerry: Come on. First round's on my wife. [[1)|Drink]] Free booze? You don't have to ask me thrice.[[2)|Pre Head Home]] Tempting but I'm pretty worn out from lawyering.\n\n

Can't expect much when you only worked half a day. You actually had to pay money for those four hours of not working.Today's money: <<print $twomoney>>.Today's reputation <<print $tworep>>.Today's stress <<print $twostress>>.\n<<if $tworep is -2>>Achievement! 'I Know I Got a Bad Reputation'<<endif>>\n<<if $twomoney is 5>>Achievement! 'Cash Rules Everything Around Me'<<endif>>\n<<if $twostress is 2>>Achievement! 'Stress Hoarder'<<endif>>\nOn to [[Wednesday.|Day 3]]

Today's progress.Money: <<print $threemoney>>.Reputation: <<print $threerep>>.Stress: <<print $threestress>>. \n<<if $threerep is -2>>Achievement! 'I Know I Got a Bad Reputation'<<endif>>\n<<if $threemoney is 1>>Achievement! 'Cash Rules Everything Around Me'<<endif>>\n<<if $threemoney is -3>>Achievement! 'MC Hammer: Financial Planner'<<endif>>\nOn to [[Thursday.|Day 4]]

Walk-In: I need to hire an attorney for my husband.<<print $name>>: Where's your husband?Walk-In: He's in jail.<<print $name>>: What's he charged with?Walk-In: Hold on I got the paper here. Domestic battery and Interference with an Emergency Telephone Call.<<print $name>>: What happened?Walk-In: Well my son came back from Afghanistan so we were having a party. They all like to drink so we had a bunch of beer and all that. I don't drink but the boy just got back from risking his life so I got them whatever they wanted. Jim, that's my husband, was drinking with my son and some of my son's friends. Everybody was getting along real well. Then I don't know what happened but next thing I know Jim's got his hand around my son's neck. I start screaming at him. I'm not going to let him put his hands on my child like that. I don't care who he is. Anyway he won't get off him so I run over there and jump on his back. I hit him first, I admit that. He spins around and throws me off him and I fall on the ground. It wasn't like he threw me down it's just uneven ground out there and I fell more than anything. Anyway he goes right back at my son so I say I'm calling the cops. I turn and grab my phone off the hood of my car and Jim comes over there and says I'm not calling anybody. Then he grabs my phone and throws it on the ground. It didn't break or anything but the battery popped out.Anyway we went back and forth for a while. My son and his friends got pissed off, grabbed the rest of the beer, and left. But I guess before everything calmed down one of the neighbors called the cops. They arrest him for domestic battery and stopping me from calling the cops. I told them that I tripped over my own feet but they took him anyway. I went to see him today and he told me to go get a lawyer to straighten this out. So here I am.<<print $name>>: Ok I think I got the situation. Does he have a criminal record?Walk-In: Oh just some little stuff. Disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, stuff like that. He did get convicted of domestic battery years ago. There was a restraining order and all that but I think it's gone away by now. So what do you think? [[1)|Domestic 1]] Well ma'am, I don't think I can represent your husband in good conscience. It sounds to me like he has a history of violence and frankly I'm concerned that you're here on his behalf.[[2)|Domestic 2]] Given his history and what you've told me it's unlikely that these charges are just going to be dropped. The prosecutor has seen much worse so maybe he'll let him plea to a lesser charge. I'll have to see what the state has. Either way I'm going to need $(midsized retainer) if you want me to look into it.[[3)|Domestic 3]] Well it seems like there's a reasonable explanation for all this. If you can come up with $(midsized retainer), I'll talk to the prosecutor and see if we can't get this worked out.

It's Friday and it's 5:00, well 4:52, close enough. Let's see how you did and get out of here.Money <<print $fivemoney>>.Reputation <<print $fiverep>>.Stress <<print $fivestress>>.<<if $fivemoney is -2>>Achievement! 'MC Hammer: Financial Planner'<<endif>>\n<<if $fiverep is -2>>Achievement! 'I Know I Got a Bad Reputation'<<endif>>\n<<if $fivestress is -2>>Achievement! 'Unflappable'<<endif>> \n[[Week End Wrap Up.|End Week]]

Congratulations! You passed the Bar Exam. Better yet, you found a job. Well...not so much a job as an office with a phone You share an office space with two other new lawyers, Jerry and Jessica.You won't be paid a salary. You get to keep a percentage of the money you bring in. The rest goes to the office bills, like rent, advertising, etc. Pretty sweet deal right?You dress up like a lawyer, go in to work, and sit at your desk.[[Here we go.|Setup]]

Now we're talking. I knew you were the type of person to grab success and bend it to your unforgiving will. You are an inspiration. People like you and you like them. God bless you. I've taken the liberty of forging your digital signature and setting up automatic withdrawals from your personal bank account. It'll be $200 a month for as long as the site is up. [[Peace out.|Post Tele A]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threemoney -= 3>>\n<<set $threestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

That's a good package. Not our best. I can see that you've resigned yourself to a life of mediocrity but that's ok. We can meet the needs of even the least ambitious customer. I've taken the liberty of forging your digital signature and setting up automatic withdrawals from your personal bank account. It'll be $150 a month for as long as the site is up. [[Peace out.|Post Tele A]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threemoney -= 2>>\n<<set $threestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Hmm well I can't promise our best results from this package but it is a huge improvement over your current video-less abomination. If you ever decide that you'd like to stop eking your way through life we can easily convert you to better package. I've taken the liberty of forging your digital signature and I've set up automatic withdrawals from your personal bank account. It'll be $100 a month for as long as the site is up. [[Peace out.|Post Tele A]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threemoney -= 1>>\n<<set $threestress -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

I see. Well it's my professional duty as your e-commerce adviser to advise you that you're committing career suicide. A website like yours dooms not only your current practice but also the possibility that you would be successful in other careers or endeavors. I'll keep you in my [[prayers.|Post Tele A]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $threestress += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Caller: I got in a car accident and I'm looking to sue.<<print $name>>: Ok could you tell me what happened?Caller: Well I was driving through a traffic light, I had the green and this guy in a truck ran the red and T-boned me.<<print $name>>: Sounds like it shouldn't be hard to prove he was in the wrong. What kind of damages did you sustain?Caller: Well it totalled my car. His insurance company said they're going to give me three grand even though the car cost me five grand not even two years ago.<<print $name>>: Were you injured?Caller: Not really. I was a little banged up and some broken glass cut my arm but that's about it.<<print $name>>: Did you go to the hospital?Caller: No. I just picked out the little pieces of glass and went on my way.<<print $name>>: Well let me see if I have this right, your car was totalled, the insurance company is going to pay you for it, and you didn't have any medical bills. Is that right?Caller: Well I don't think what they offered me was fair but that's the situation.<<print $name>>: So what were you hoping to sue for?Caller: Well this guy was clearly in the wrong and he could have killed me. That has to be worth something, ten or twenty grand I figure. [[1)|Accident 1]] I usually do personal injury cases on a contingent basis. That means I take a percentage of the money that I get for you. In this case I don't think I can get anything, maybe a few hundred bucks more for your car. Bottom line is it's not worth my time. I'm sorry I can't help you.[[2)|Accident 2]] I can't promise ten or twenty grand but I think we can get a recovery for your pain and suffering [this is very unlikely, maybe legal malpractice]. I'm going to have to spend a lot of time on this. So I'll need you to give me $(large retainer) to get started. I wouldn't worry about the money, if that big insurance company doesn't own the judge you should see all that money back and more.

You walk into the party. It's not the White House Correspondents' dinner but it's not the Elks Lodge either. There doesn't appear to be anything planned for the evening. Maybe somebody will tap his glass and make a toast for the host but that's about it. If you want something to happen you'll have to make it happen. [[1)|Party A]] Walk to the bar and get some free drinks out of this.[[2)|Party B]] Load up on finger sandwiches. You won't have to pay for dinner tonight.[[3)|Party C]] Mingle?

Jim: Well so far I've been able to take all the DUIs that come my way but there are plenty of other little cases that aren't worth my time. Give me your card and I'll refer some cases your [[way.|End Day 4B]]

Jim: Sure thing. I remember what it was like being a new lawyer. I've got the ulcers to prove [[it.|End Day 4B]]

You hoist a few with your coworkers. You learn that Jessica was a paralegal for a few years before going to law school. This explains why she always knows what motions to file and whatnot. It's a skill they don't really teach in law school. It doesn't take all that long to learn but in the mean time it can get pretty embarrassing asking advice from people who know much less about the law.It turns out that Jerry's wife is ridiculously successful. She commutes over an hour to a real city where she works as a PR manager. She makes enough that Jerry doesn't have to work. He's just doing it as a way to feel productive. He plans on giving it up in a few years so he can focus on their backyard garden. This lack of pressure explains Jerry's nonchalance at work but it doesn't make it any more palatable.Having reached the minimum amount of backstory necessary to make your colleagues more than mannequins, you [[head home.|Head Home]]\n<<silently>>\n<<set $onestress -=1>>\n<<endsilently>>

Got you! This is Professor Goster. We both know the situations discussed in my class don't happen in the real world but I wanted to make sure you remembered the rules. My only suggestion is that you cite to relevant case law when you're giving legal advice. We can schedule a refresher course during my office hours. Contact my [[secretary.|Post Property]]\n

Oh man don't talk about the cops man. I don't want nothing to do with that. I'm just asking a question. Just forget it. You don't have caller ID do you?[[Dial tone.|Post Pedo]]

Oh no no no. I don't go with any young girls. I got myself a MILF right now. We were just wondering for the bet, man. Never mind we'll just call it a push.[[Dial tone.|Post Pedo]]

There isn't an exception for like a girl you met at the mall or anything right? You know what, just forget it. Thanks anyway.[[Dial tone.|Post Pedo]]

Caller: Yeah I got a question.<<print $name>>: Shoot.Caller: Well I let my girlfriend stay at my place for like 9 months. And she let me borrow some money so I could get a new transmission for my car. Anyway we broke up and now she wants me to pay her back but I told her that since she got to stay here and everything that I wasn't going to pay her. She probably owes me money by now.<<print $name>>: Did you guys agree that she would pay rent when she moved in?Caller: Well, no but she knew I was paying rent and she got to stay there.<<print $name>>: Unfortunately that isn't really enough to put her on the hook for the rent.Caller: Yeah but check this out, I borrowed $1300 from her and my rent was $400 a month. I worked it out I paid $3600 over the last nine months and half of that is $1800. So if anything she owes me $500.<<print $name>>: I understand how you're coming up with those numbers and I think your math is right but you can't invite someone to stay and then charge them later. Do you know what I mean?Caller: Yeah but she's asking me for money now. If I knew she was going to start talking about taking me to court for the money I would have made her pay back then. And I would have charged her $1800.<<print $name>>: Yes but you didn't.Caller: But I am now. [[1)|Back Rent 1]] (Hang up.)[[2)|Back Rent 2]] Let's go over this one more time...[[3)|Back Rent 3]] Ok well if she sues you and you need a lawyer give me a call.

You feel refreshed after an afternoon free of insane phone calls. And you learned that if you post a naked picture of yourself on social media it can "go viral" and that could be bad for your professional reputation. Good to know. Now you're back and there's nothing to do but listen to rap music and wait for the phone to [[ring.|Telemarketer A]]

[email protected]\n@hamandegglawyer