Barbarians test.

This story starts in a house, in a village, in a country that you have lived in all your life. Now this is the first interactive story I have ever written and as that it has no artwork. No artwork from me at least.But that doesn't mean that this needs to be a color- and shapeless experience for you! Do me a favor and grab a piece of paper, any piece will do and a pen. Or pens. Or pencils, sharpies, spraycans, paints, charcoal. You may even use bodily fluids and turn the whole thing into a "statement". It doesnt really matter what you use to draw, as long as you have something that makes you feel comfortable and confident in drawing a simple house. A cozy house in a sleepy village, in fact. Go ahead. I'll wait. [[Ok, give me a sec...|Draw]] [[But I can't draw!|nodraw]] [[I don't feel like drawing, also who are you to command me to do anything!?!? This is stupid. |stupid]]

Nice house! Now during this story, I will ask you to draw specific things. Like this house, which was a practice run. Now if you stumble across something you think would make a splendid drawing then, feel free to draw it! After all, you do live in a free country. I hope. Anyway, on to the story. It's the middle of the night and you are snoring rather loudly in your bed. Next to your bed is a small cupboard and something funky is going on in there. A quiet rattle, the sound of books being shuffled, a loud knock and a silent but firm curse. Finally a faint sheen appears through the door and a really spooky ghost floats out! [[A really spooky ghost?!?|Ghost]]

Oh come on! Sure you can! I feel like most people have this idea that the ability to draw is something some people have been born with. Something that if you can't do it you will never be able to do it. But trust me, while it can be magical, it's also a skill. Just like chewing or not making a mess when you're on the toilet by yourself. And like every skill it can be learned and it can be improved and as long as you operate a mouse you can draw. Tell you what. Go onto the internet and look for instructions on how to draw the most basic of houses. Then either get a piece of paper and something that draws, or open ms paint and do it there. That's how I started a year ago and now I'm pretty decent at it! Don't let your attitude be a limitation to your potential of drawing kick-ass houses! [[Hang on! If you're so good at drawing how come you are giving me this patronizing pep-talk instead of just drawing yourself? Huh? Mr. Smartypants?|Smartypants]]

Fair point. While I became good at drawing I am still pretty terrible at programming. I'm looking up tutorials and trying hard even while I write this. Look, I dont mean to be pushy, but it will really amplify the experience. Just take it as a self-inflicted crash course in drawing. Just don't judge your work too harshly and it can only be a positive thing! [[Ok. You convinced me. Give me a moment while I dust off this pen and draw a house|Draw]]

Very well. Obviously you want to play hardball. Well you know what? I have an ace up my sleeve. You know that thing with the pink elephants? Like if I say "Don't think about pink elephants" you immediately think of pink elephants? Well let me use your mind as a canvas. FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS DO NOT THINK ABOUT A LITTLE COZY HOUSE IN A SLEEPY VILLAGE! PLEASE! OUR FATE DEPENDS ON IT!!! [[Argh! You foiled my brilliant plan of being a bit of a dick! There is now a house in my mind!|Draw]]

Yeah! Like really really spooky. Sheet and all! You may draw him for extra spookiness. Draw him with a beard. That's how I know that it's a he. The ghost floats out of the small cupboard, stands up to stretch before bending down again as if to close the cupboard door behind him. He reaches out a spooky hand and stops. He lets out a sigh at the sight of the already closed door. This ghost is obviously out of practice in appearing in the physical world. The ghost stands up once again and lifts up his arms letting out a ghastly sound: "woooooooooooo" [[How spooky!|know]]

I know right? Anyway, the ghost stands there making this ghastly sound... until he runs out of breath. Slightly perplexed he pauses and then draws in another breath as you [[Snore even louder|louder1]] [[Turn on your side, away from the ghost|george]]

In reaction to the blatant disregard of his spookiness the ghost starts to get louder: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" You [[Start snoring even louder|louder2]] [[Turn on your side, away from the ghost|george]]

And keep snoring. You should get that checked out. In the mean time the ghost lowers his arms, clearly dis-spirited. He sighs again and gives the bed a good kick. [[Hang on, how come he could kick the bed if he just now floated through a door without realizing it?|explanation]] [[Plot holes only stimulate my imagination.|attitude]]

It's on. The ghost starts to woo like he never woooed before: "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" You [[Snore even louder|loudend]] [[Turn on your side, away from the ghost|george]]

This is getting a bit ridiculous. [[I agree. I turn to my side, away from the ghost|george]]

I like your attitude! [[Likewise!|george2]]

You see, poltergeists are just regular ghosts who are sick of being ignored. [[That makes perfect sense!|george2]]

The kick got your attention. You turn around slowly to see what the ruckus is about. The ghost quickly lifts his arms and resumes: "Woooooooooooo" You are rather spooked. The ghost continues: "I have come from the afterlife to bring dire news, fear me not mortal!" That sounds reasonable. "In life they called me George. But in the afterlife we have no need for names so you may call me Ghostly George." [[Ghostly George? That sounds stupid.|nameexplanation]]

Well, I'm not very good with names. Also, stop interrupting! Im trying to tell a story. [[I'm sorry.|george3]]

Alright. So, the ghost continues: "I am your great great great uncle's drinking buddy and he has sent me here to warn you. A great army of shaggy and unshaven barbarians is massing in the south. These barbarians like nothing more than pillaging and conquering and making a mess of things. They have heard of your village of well behaved, clean and friendly people and have decided to come, conquer and then see what happens. [[Ok.|george4]]

But you are in luck! These barbarians are not your everyday, run of the mill, store brand barbarians, no! These barbarians are exceptionally lazy and will take their sweet time to get here. So you still have a chance to save your village! Your great great great uncle was a powerful lord who lived in a castle to the west, past the mega mountains and the runny river. In life he posessed an item which allowed him to see into the future, at solutions to seemingly impossible problems. This is how he came to be a powerful lord living in a castle. Before his death he buried the item in the castle gardens so that it may be used again by someone in great need. That someone is you. [[Mhm.|geroge5]]

"You must travel to the west and retrieve this object. Here is 50 dollars to cover travel expenses. Also, your great great great uncle would like to give you his sincerest appologies that he couldn't be here in the sheen but he is rather busy and not at all drunk on spirits." And with that the ghost dissapears back into the cupboard, knocking over even more stuff in there. [[50 bucks?!? Sweet!|next day]]

It is the morning, the sun is rising and you are ready for adventure! You have a backpack with some essentials and a really sturdy pair of trainers. You leave your house and leave your village, moving west. For extra effect you can draw yourself leaving the village, embracing adventure! While you do so I strongly recommend looking for epic movie soundtracks on the internet. [[Wow! It feels like Im about to throw a ring into a volcano or something|travel1]]

Yeah. Don't do that. West of the village are the funny fields (Footnote 1). These are a well known landmark for their coloful flowers. If you are using colors, then go hog wild! You keep heading west. [[West I go!|travel2]] [[No I don't! I stop to frolic!|frolick1]] Footnotes: 1. The funny fields were named after Elizabeth Funny, the super serious sufragette.

Your path continues West for some time until you get to the foothills of the Mega Mountains. The mountains stretch before you in the distance, running north to south. Now drawing mountain ranges can be a bit difficult at first. If you've never done it before then get another piece of paper and do some practice mountain ranges. Just pretend to be a god or something! Approaching the mountains you see a figure standing by the road, waving at you. Getting closer you realize that it's a woman with a massive moustache. [[Wait, what?|muswoman]]

Alright. You swerve off to the flowery funny fields where your frolicking begins! [[Yeah! Frolicking!|frolick2]] [[This has been fun, but my village takes precedence. I must go on.|travel2]]

You run full speed through the fields, arms outstretched. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. You feel light as a feather. [[Oh man! I want to run up that hill!|frolicking3]] [[Hang on. What am I doing? I have to continue my quest!|travel2]]

You run up that hill. It's awesome! You can't stop smiling. [[Let's just stay here!|Frolicking4]] [[There is something really weird about this, I better get going. |travel2]]

You lay down and look up at the sky. You are completely content. Also, you have never noticed how colorful the sky really is. You feel like closing your eyes... [[Just 5 minutes...|frolicking6]] [[OH GOD! SOMETHING IS VERY STRANGE HERE.|itis]]

You close your eyes and start drifting off into sleep. But something keeps naggging at you... [[It's probably nothing. I don't care all that much about this story anyway...|dedchamber]] [[WAIT! I HAVE TO GET UP! I HAVE TO SAVE MY VILLAGE! IT CAN'T END NOW! SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.|itis]]

It is. These fields are funny indeed... Probably the same reason why they attract so many young campers. You sit up and see that the world is swirling about you. If you're using colors and want to illustrate, then use them all. Think kaleidoscope! After a while, you manage to stand up and get your feet moving back towards the west and by the time you get back to the road, the funny has mostly worn off. [[Whoa.|travel2]]

Blackness descends upon you. You are beyond content. In fact you feel nothing at all. Out of the blackness appear little points of light. A few at first, then more until you realize what they are: Stars. You are floating in space. [[I am one. |ded2]]

Yes. She is dressed in sturdy leather bots, traveling pants, a white blouse and a leather vest. She has long hair and unmistakably feminine eyes. The rest of her face is covered by a giant moustache. [[How big?|muswoman2]]

So big it makes dictators tremble and philosophers find god. It is a moustache of biblical proportions. If you want to make it easy on yourself then just draw a moustache with arms and legs. [[Damn, thats a big moustache.|muswoman3]]

Totally. She is beckoning you to come closer. She has something she wants to tell you. What do you do? [[I step closer, this woman obviously has something important to tell me!|muswoman4]] [[I choose to step away and not talk to her.|choice]]

You approach her carefully, unsure whether women with giant moustaches are good omens or not. She calls to you: "Greetings, traveller!" Her moustache bobs up and down as she speaks. Are you on your way across the Mega Mountains? [[Yes.|muswoman5]]

Do you realize that choice in an interactive medium is often a thinly veiled illusion? [[Is it only me or did it just get pretentious in here?|choice2]] [[Whoa! I never thought about that|choice2]]

Choice goes only as far as the feasible options that the author has laid out for the interacting subject with the piece of digital art. [[Interacting subject? Digital art? Oh jeez, so this is why they warned me about twine.|choice3]] [[Wow, you are really smart!|choice3]]

So if you felt that you indeed had a choice back there it is only because I, as the author and programmer, have fulfilled my purpose. I have pulled your strings of trust. I have weaved a dream so real it made you believe you could influence it as if it was yours. As the skilled archer I have hit my target. You see all this is a metaphor. [[Alright! Alright! I'll talk to the damn Woman, just... stop|muswoman4]] [[Teach me, sensei!|choice4]]

You see, the veil of perception gets fossilized with the passage of time. Therefore it is up to eloquent, powerful individuals to chisel at the collective rock of false truths. To become masons of real truth and beauty. We sew the wounds that the populace diametrically opposes. This labour is of utmost importance in a post utilitarian society, as we destroy these calcified walls with our dialectic discourse. They expel our forceful minds from their brittle institutions, intimidated by the intensity of our cerebral activities. Unbeknownst to them they only make us stronger in our isolation... [[Hang on. You're just saying big words to make yourself sound smart.|choice5]]

You're just intimidated by my intellect! [[Right. Just let me talk to the funny woman with the big moustache|muswoman4]]

"Oh, that's a tough one." She says with concern in her eyes, her moustache drooping slightly. "Really tough." [[How so?|muswoman 6]]

"It could take weeks to get across." [[That's bad.|muswoman7]]

"But you're in luck! They have just finished a cable car that can take you across the mountains in mere minutes!" [[That's good!|muswoman8]]

"But there is a problem... The cable car is mighty expensive and only a limited number of people can be taken each trip. The waiting list stretches for months" [[That's bad. |muswoman9]]

"Now don't despair, because I have a spare ticket. I was going over the Mega Mountains to help my uncle find his missing cat. But on the way here, news reached me that the cat came back by herself! So I have a ticket, but no need to go across..." [[That's...|muswoman0]]

"Here is the deal: You can have this ticket for a mere 50 dollars. A hefty reduction, but its such a nice day and you strike me like an honest kind of person. So, what do you say?" [[Deal! |ticket]] [[No Deal! |ndeal]]

You give her the money and she gives you a slip of paper. You turn it around and it reads: "The cable car is free you dolt. We live in a socialist democracy with free public transport, not some backwards medieval fantasy world!" [[What the f...|ticket2]]

As you look up, noticeably irritated you see the woman step away and dissapear into a cloud of smoke. Poof! Now I need you to draw a cloud of smoke. Out of that smoke comes a flying moustache flapping in the wind, your 50 dollars held in its bristles. The moustache flaps above your head and towards the horizon. You feel hurt and betrayed, but then you remember an age old saying: If life gives you lemons then keep the lemons because hey, free lemons! This renews your positive energy. You keep heading towards the mountains. [[I'm not even surprised anymore...|megamo]]

You reach the cable car, board it and begin your swift ascent. This gives you about half an hour to admire the scenery. Use this as a break from the story to try to draw the most beautiful vista you can imagine. Majestic cliffs, ancient trees in the valleys, bare windswept rock up top, beautiful blue skies, the odd river cascading down the mountainside from snowy peaks. Tribes of isolated mountain men, candy colored moss outcrops, escargotoires of roaming mountain snails terrorising the neighbourhood. The usual kind of stuff. For further inspiration, think Bob Ross. (if you don't know who Bob Ross is then wow... you're missing out!) [[mmmmmmmmmh....Bob...Ross...|bobross]]

Oh yeah... that afro... [[...and the soothing voice...|bobross2]]

and such a positive attitude... Uh, well. You arrive at the other side of the mountains feeling like you have had a happy little accident! You disembark and keep moving west. It's a short trip to the sandy shores of the Runny River. The road ends by a ferry terminal. A man in a ferryman uniform is sitting by the moored ferry, crying. [[Aw. What happened?|ferryman1]]

I don't know, maybe you should ask him? [[You're such a smartass. Alright, I approach the depressed ferryman and ask what's wrong|ferryman2]]

You walk towards the ferryman, who is bald. He sits on the pier, face buried in his hands. From time to time he sniffs, or sobs, or sighs. He doesnt notice you. [[What's wrong, Mr. ferryman?|ferryman3]]

The ferryman lifts his head to look at you, his eyes red with tears. "Oh it's awful... terrible I tell you!" [[What is?|ferryman4]]

"Its the cable car, you see? The cable car is free, but not my ferry. The ferryman ferry co. has been operating this line for generations and it always cost a small sum to get across. To cover expenses and to provide the best possible ferrying for our customers." [[The cable car?|ferry1]] [[The ferryman ferry co.?|ferry2]]

"Well, strictly speaking it's a problem with the relationship between the cable car and the people. You see, for the longest time the people of this region knew that the straighest path to the east was across the river and over the mountains. So they took the ferry and then spent weeks climbing the mountains. But then the cable car came." [[It came?|ferry4]]

"Yes. My name is Fred Ferryman and I have inherited this company from my father Ferdinand Ferryman, who inherited it from his mother Fiona Ferryman. The ferryman clan has ferried ferrygoers across the Runny River since the invention of ferries. In fact it was my ancestor, Frak son of Frok who first discovered that wood floats on water... and how to profit from it. Right here on the Runny River" [[(Im pretty sure that's incorrect but I don't know enough about ferries to disprove it) I see, so what's wrong?|ferry1]] [[Thats a lot of ferrying|ferry3]]

"I know, but there is really no other way to put it. We tried using 'water bus' back in the sixties but ended up getting sued by the John Waterbus Waterbussing co. operating out of the Steamy Stream" [[Right. But that still doesn't explain what this has to do with the cable car.|ferry1]]

"Oh yes. One day it just opened for business. No notice no nothing. So the uninformed rumors started and soon everybody was convinced that to ride the cable car you had to pay with jewels and wait for years. The people around here are of... careful economic disposition and so they didn't want to pay to go over. But they also didn't want to climb the mountains for weeks at a time when there is a perfectly good cable car that could do the job in minutes, so they stopped comming altogether!" [[Um, I don't mean to be rude but "no nothing" actually doesn't make any sense.|ferry5]]

"Excuse me?" [[Oh, it's nothing. I've just spent too much time on the internet not to notice that you saying "no nothing" makes no sense. You see, no nothing means something, because it isn't nothing. |ferry6]] [[I think the author should not be making grammar related jokes. Because something about throwing stuff when living in a greenhouse or something... |ferryalt]]

"The internet?" [[Yes, It's like a... Imagine a... You know what, never mind. Please continue |ferry7]]

"The author?" [[Oh, uh, I'm sorry Mr. Ferryman, I've had a bit of a rough day. Please continue. |ferry7]]

"Ok... So as I was saying, the people don't know that the cable car is free, so they stopped wanting to cross the mountain and by extension put me out of work! It's gruesome! I'm a ferryman, I don't know what else I would do! If only I could write some slogan or maybe something I could print on a pamphlet that tells them of the truth. But I'm no good with words and therefore doomed..." [[Hang on! I might have something that helps! I have this dude following me around, narrating and stuff. He writes a lot and so maybe he could write you a slogan? |narratorw]]

He takes the ticket and starts to read. Almost instantly his face brightens. "This... This is AMAZING! Its just what I need! I can print this on posters, I can distribute it on pamphlets. Why I can even get the radio to say it! It's perfect and it may be the thing to save my company! How can I ever repay you?" [[Really? Alright... I guess I can think of something... |othershore]]

An hour later you land on the opposite shore of the Runny River, a 'Very important V.I.P. of the ferryman co.' badge in your backpack. To the north-west, through some trees, you can see the tall spires of an ancient castle. Things are finally looking up! [[Yay! Accomplishment! |castleent]]

Soon you arrive at the main gate of this ancient castle. Think of a massive, wooden door in an archway made of big stone blocks carved with intricate, ancient symbols. And now that you have thought of it, I would like you to draw it! Make yourself like a tiny stick figure standing by a cliff of ancient wood. So what do you do? [[Knock |castleent2]] [[Don't Knock |noknock]]

The knock sends a deep and reverberating sound through the halls beyond. Its like pounding on a giant drum. Some time passes before the echo settles. Then you hear an impossibly complicated locking mechanism being worked inside. With a groan like the snore of a giant, this ancient door swings open slowly. [[How epic! |castleent3]]

You continue standing in front of the door, in awe. [[Knock |castleent2]] [[Don't knock |noknock2]]

You continue standing in front of the door, in awe. [[Knock |castleent2]] [[Don't Knock |noknock3]]

You continue standing in front of the... Why? [[Why what? |why]]

Why do you refuse to knock? Are you scared of knocking? Did a knock run off with your highschool sweetheart? [[Did a knock... No! I just wanted to see what happens!|why3]]

Well now you know. [[I guess... |why4]]

Alright. So, you're standing in front of this ancient door. Do you knock? [[Ok. I knock on the ancient door. |castleent2]] [[No. I feel like some sort of reward for discovering this. |why5]]

You want a reward? [[Yes. I have continously opted for not knocking to see what would happen. I have made it past your sneaky disguises of posting the same text twice and I feel like some sort of acknowledgement! |why6]]

Like an easter egg? I guess it's a reasonable request. Lets see... I want you to draw an actual easter egg. Only this easter egg is really really really raunchy. It's the kind of easter egg that would make a pious person blush. [[But I am pious! |why7]]

Yeah right, and as you try to convince me you accidentally trip and knock on the door. [[Aw come on! |castleent2]]

The door stops and out pops the head of a very young woman. She has pink hair and a very shrill voice. "Hello there!" (Her voice is like an icepick enthusiastically sliding across the bosom of a marble statue. It is not condusive to the atmosphere) "Here to see the castle?!" [[Yes I am. |castleent4]]

"Brilliant! Follow me!" She pops her head in again and immediately after you can hear her shouting: "ANASTASIAAAA! WE GOT ANOTHER ONE!" [[Follow her. |castle]]

You enter the dark, cool entrance hall. You manage to notice the impossibly tall ceiling before being met with an impossibly large woman, dressed in plain servants clothing. She towers over you, yet she is wider than she is tall. She looks down on you with an expression of pure, condensed boredom. "Hello" she utters with a completely flat, completely bored tone. "Are you another brave adventurer who has come to this castle in search of the item?" [[Why yes! Yes I am! In fact i was sent here by- |castle2]]

She talks right over you, boredly. "How wonderful. That sounds like quite the adventure. Please follow me for your free tour." And with that she turns away and starts walking, you have to hurry to keep up with her. As you walk deeper into the entry hall you become aware just how huge it is. I mean huuuuuuuuge! [[Great writing there, slick! |castle3]]

It's 4am. [[No it isn't |castle4]]

Ugh. Whatever. The massive woman takes you on a lengthy tour of the castle's many chambers, all the while droning on about history, lineages, famous people who visited, lords, ladies, battles, duels, disputes, quarrels, conflicts, trials, executions. People in the past seem to have had a love/hate relationship with violence... It leaves you both severily impressed and acutely bored. [[Hey... at least it's free... |Castleex]]

"Yes?" [[Do you know anything about the item? |qaaitem]] [[What can you tell me about the lords who ruled here? |qaalord]] [[That's some really cool armor you have standing here. |qaaarmor]] [[Im ready to continue the tour. |ghall]]

"Legend has it that the first of the great lords, lord Edgar West, posessed a powerful item. This item was so powerful that no human names would stick to it, hence the silly name. It is rumored that this item allowed him to see into the future. According to the legends he buried this item somewhere on the premises." [[So it hasn't been found? |qaaintem2]]

"Well, the most interesting of them is of course Lord Edgar West, the supposed original owner of the item. The legend of how he came to own it is long and by today's standards rather racially unsensitive. It includes traveling around the world, being chased by cannibals in africa, going to asia to learn kung-fu, cheating a gypsy soothsayer in southern europe and contracting type-2 diabetes in north america. Not very sensitive at all. Then there was his son, Lord Edgar "Eddy" West jr." [[Eddy jr.? |qaalord2]]

"Ah yes, in times gone by it was common for knights to be entombed in their armor" [[So these armors have... |qaaarmor2]]

She pushes the door and it swings open with ease. Beyond is the Great Hall, more reminiscent of a cathedral than some chamber in a castle. Great shimmering chandeliers hang from the arched ceiling, the walls are full of tapestries, paintings and statues of the castle's former inhabitants. On the floor there are several long tables stretching along almost the entire length of the hall. You judge that the number of guests it could host numbers in the hundreds. [[Whoa! |ghall2]]

"No. And we have had all kinds of types looking for it. Adventurers, pirates, treasure hunters, regular hunters, boring archeologists brandishing brushes and books, adventurous archeologists brandishing whips and pistols, self aware robots scanning the ground with their x-ray vision, self conscious robots who didn't really want to get their hands dirty because it would make them look silly to their friends. The gardens in particular are a hole most of the year. The current theory is that if the item existed at all, it must be hidden somewhere else. If there are clues to its location, they have yet to be discovered." [[Well that's a shame. I have another question |qaa]]

"Yes, Lord Edgar's son. He inherited this castle and ruled here until his death. Early on he built up some debt and was on the brink of bankruptcy, but he managed to dig himself out of it by winning the lottery 4 times in a row" [[Did he find the item? |qaalord3]]

"The records indicate that he never did, even though he tried. It's not that strange when you think about it, everyone gets lucky from time to time. Well, after his death the castle was inherited by... (About an hour later) ... and the foundation has been taking care of it ever since." [[Oh... That's... You... You stopped... That's... Another question please. |qaa]]

"Yes." [[Ah. Another question? |qaa]]

Your guide leads towards the other end of the chamber where a great carved stone chair stands on a raised platform. The lord's seat. Above it is a massive stained glass window. You know how in movies and books and stuff, the protagonist is faced with a puzzle that has baffled generations after generations of scholars? But the protagonist has a brain fart, looks in his or her diary, climbs a ladder, sees the problem from a different angle and then solves it in minutes? [[Well now that you mention it... |stainglas]] [[I don't get it. |watchmor]]

Ok. Just watch the indiana jones TRILOGY. [[Brb |stainglas]]

Well for this to work I need you to draw a stained glass window. It takes time but it's a lot of fun. You can make it medieval and true to original form, or abstract and weird, or anything in between. The important thing is that it should have "The item is in the northern church. Sincerely, eddy jr." hidden in plain sight. Since you are the protagonist, you manage to find this clue by casually glancing at the window. Funny, isn't it? [[Not when you have to explain it like that. |stainglas2]]

Trust me, it's going to be hilarious. Just go on the internet and... Wait a minute! [[What? |future]]

Do you even have the internet? I mean, you could be looking at this from the future. Like a desperate attempt to find out what went wrong or something. [[I don't know what you're talking about and neither do my robot overlords |stainglas3]] [[AH! You got me! Im totally from the future! |future2]]

Ok, so I want you to go search for images of stained glass windows and make one with a hilarious hidden message! You can then hold the paper to a window and that way you can make an ACTUAL stained glass window. Or stained paper window. Ha! ha! We like to have fun here. Go ahead and unfold as an artist. I'll grab a coffee and see you on the next page! [[You're such a patronizing prick. |ghallend]]

No way! That's so cool! [[Yeah, it's pretty awesome. |future3]]

So you guys still have the internet? [[Nah, man. We have the ultranet. |future4]]

Ultranet? [[Yeah. Its like the internet, but ultra! |future5]]

That sounds so badass! You guys still use google? [[No. Google is ancient history. We now have Google 2. |future6]]

That just made my day. Well thank you for reading and please, enjoy! [[I will! |stainglas3]]

Isn't that hilarious? Anyway, you turn towards the woman who is still standing there. She is almost asleep standing up. [[Excuse me, do you know anything about a northern church? |ghallend2]]

"Yes, the northern church is said to be somewhere north of the northernmost village. But that is mostly rumors." So about half an hour later you stroll out of the giant, ancient doors. Now the northernmost village is a village actually called Northernmost village. Because you don't need a fancy name like Bucktown or Henningburg or Lianshing when you actually are the northernmost of all villages. You decide to save time, so you go a short distance to the north of the castle, towards municipal road 65, and wait for the bus. [[The bus? |bus]]

Yes, line 16a towards the northernmost village. [[There is a bus? |bus2]]

What, they don't have buses where you come from? It arrives a bit late, but you manage to get a free seat by the window. It takes you over the bridge spanning the Runny River and through the Mega Mountain mega tunnel. [[Shouldn't I tell this to... |bus3]]

Nonsense! Think of the barbarians! Also, the on-board movie is full of action and explosions! The road emerges from the Mega Mountains, snaking east and then north. After some time you get off at the stop named "Northernmost Village" [[This is... Why couldn't I... |nvil]]

Bar-bar-i-ans! The bus drives off and you see a village in the distance to the north of you. In the north, things like cities, towns and villages have different scales than places further south. So the northernmost village is more of the northernmost 5 houses in a sort of cluster on the edge of a seemingly endless tundra. If you want to illustrate this, you could choose earthy, rocky. grey-y colors and draw a massive treeless plain with 5 houses of different, vilbrant colors kind of standing together. Like finnish people or autists at a party! [[Ok. I guess it doesn't really matter if I argue... I walk towards the "village" |argue]]

You are nearing the houses when suddenly the door to the closest one opens and a woman steps out, waving. She is tall, blonde and blue eyed. Her attractiveness is inversely proportional to the horrible uglyness of her christmas sweater. And it is a horrible, gruesome sweater. "Ho, traveler!" She calls to you. [[Ho? |nvil3]]

"Going into the majestc but really rather boring and very unpleasant northern icy snowy blowy chilly tundra?" [[Well, depends. I'm looking for the northern church. |nvil4]]

"Yes! The northern church. Really nice place, or so they say. Never been there myself. Actually, I don't know anyone who has been." [[Who said that it's a really nice place then? |nvil5]]

"They." [[They? |nvil6]]

"Yes. Well they and some local folklore. It is said that the northern church is literally a thousand miles north of here. But I wouldn't worry about it, you know how they like to exaggerate." [[They certainly do. Thanks for the info. I better get going then! |nvil7]]

"What. Whith those?" She points down at your trainers, condescendingly. "Not likely. You need skis and equipment. But you are lucky! You are currently standing in front of the majestic but really rather boring and very unpleasant northern icy snowy blowy chilly tundra Ski Rental!" [[And let me guess. Your name is Silje Skirental. |nvil8]]

"Carmella Fernandez, pleasure to meet you!" [[Oh, well nice to meet you too, my name is- |nvil9]]

"Unimportant here in the north! So, a normal pair of skis, shoes and sticks is 25 dollars. The deluxe package is 50. What will it be?" [[I don't really have any money. All I have that may be of any worth at all is this badge (Give her the V.I.P. Ferry badge.) |nvil0]]

She takes the badge from your hand and bites it. Satisfied with the result she hands it back to you. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a V.I.P! The majestc but really rather boring and very unpleasant northern icy snowy blowy chilly tundra ski rental is owned by the Ferryman Ferry co. As such you are intitled to some freebies. Let me see... She disappears into the house and reemerges with a large bundle of... stuff. [[Stuff? |nvil11]]

Not very descriptive, is it? Well let me put it this way: Half an hour later you are wearing state of the art cross country skis, state of the art clothes and a state of the art backpack. Aditionally you are carrying loads of provisions, a tent, a compass, a superbly comfortable sleeping bag. Aditionally you have a pellet gun to repell all sorts of marauding wildlife on the tundra. Menacing snow owls, sneaky snow foxes and hopping mad gangs of snow bunnies. [[Hopping mad snow bunnies? |nvil12]]

Yes. They go through bone like butter. Carmella gives you one final clap on the shoulder, sending you off with an assurance that just heading north for a while will get you to the church safe and sound and that, once again, those stories about a thousand miles are figurative and that you should not be discouraged. [[I hope this doesn't take too long |tundra]]

Literally a thousand miles later... [[Goddamnit! |church]]

The church looms before you. Well, it's more of an ice covered chapel by any church's standards, but compared to what you have seen in the last thousand miles it is a gleaming cathedral. A shining bastion of unashamed human civilization in an otherwise hostile wasteland! So yeah, church is about right. You may draw an endless white plain with a church-shaped bump in the middle. [[It's pretty cold out here. I better try to get inside |church2]]

Great idea! You ski up to the entrance, disentangle your hands from the poles which after a thousand miles have as good as fused with your hands and stand all prepared to knock. [[I knock on the door. |church3]] [[I don't knock |try]]

Nothing happens. You knock again (yes you do). Nothing happens. Nothing continues to happen. Enough of nothing happens that a dreadful thought crosses your mind: [[What if nobody is here? |church4]]

Don't even try. [[Alright. I knock on the door, jeez... |church3]]

You'll be in a lot of trouble. No way you can make your way back and defeat the barbarians in time, without the item... [[Damn, that will mean that my village is doomed. |church5]]

Except for one thing... [[What thing? |Church6]]

The door gives a clack and slowly opens inward. [[Phew! |church7]]

"Phew" indeed! A head pops out of the open door.It belongs to an ancient-looking priest, and by ancient I mean the kind of ancient that once looked at horses as "the cool new fad". "Oh, my. A visitor! Please come in." He disappears inside. The door is small so you duck inside. Inside it's dark and smoky but other than that it looks like any other old wooden church standing in the middle of a vast icy tundra at the end of the world. [[Yeah, I know that look. |church8]]

The priest asks you to leave your shoes and equipment at the door. This is a no-shoe zone, because its really hard to find a cleaner who would commute for a thousand miles each way. "Welcome" he says, his voice croaking, "to the northern church. Would you like to confess some misdoings? Maybe light a candle? Or maybe you would like to politely look at the architecture because even though you like history you're not really into all of that "believing" stuff?" [[Actually, I have a question |jeffhub]]

Ask away. [[Who are you? |jeffproper]] [[What is this place? |jeffcurch]] [[How long have you been here? |jeffstory]] [[I have come seeking the item, do you have it? |item]]

My name is Ignatious Jeff and I am part of an ancient order tasked with the protection and upkeep of this church. I maintain the building, preach the sermons, do guided tours and organize events such as weddings and birthdays. I also guard the church's posessions. [[Hello Ignatious jeff. My name is- |jeffproper2]]

"This is the northern church. The northernmost beacon of the faith. It was built when the faith had reached so far south that it started to step on some other religion's toes. Now stepping on toes is strictly forbidden in the faith's doctrines so the faith decided to keep spreading in a different direction. The northern church marks the spot where the faith just kind of gave up spreading and went home to watch tv." [[The faith did what now? |jeffcurch2]]

"My master adopted me when I was a street urchin of about 6. At the time I was sick of grown-ups telling me what to do, so I left home to find my luck. After a while I became assistant manager and field coordinator for a gang of under-aged street thieves. That is when I first met my master" [[He adopted you out of the goodness of his heart? |jeffstory2]]

The priest freezes (pun somewhat intended) his eyes suddenly tearful. He looks at you. "For generations, my order has sworn to abstain from all worldly pleasures, to isolate ourselves here to protect the item until a chosen one comes and asks for it" He seems to be looking through you, lost in thought. "I am the only one left. I am the last guardian." [[So, do you have it? |item2]]

He interrupts you. "I'm sorry, but names are of no importance here in the northern church." [[But you just... you know what? Never mind. I was wondering about something else |jeffhub]]

"The scriptures tell of this day as "It was on a sunday that the faith kind of peetered out on the northern tundra. For it was then that the faith decided that the other matters were of greater concern". So you see, its a matter of interpretation. [[I see. I wanted to ask you another question |jeffhub]]

"Not exactly. I tried to nick his purse to show some trainees the company's standard procedures when I got caught. One thing led to another and here I am!" [[Charming. There was another thing i wanted to talk about |jeffhub]]

He stares at the far beyond for a moment longer before snapping out of it and quicky saying "It's on my bedside table." Then he runs past you at a very youthful pace. [[Wait! Where are you going? |item3]]

He skids to a halt and turns around, his face an expression of pure glee. "I am free! I want to go south! I want to experience Mobile Phones! And Sneakers! And Rap Music!" And with that he turns around, puts on his shoes and runs out of the door, cackling madly. [[Well, I guess I better go get the item. |itemproper]]

The ex-priest's chamber is in the back, by the altar. You walk over and give the door a push, walking through you find yourself in a small chamber with a bed, a small bookshelf, a fireplace providing illumination and a bedside table. On the bedside table, just like the former priest had said, is the item. [[Whoa! What does it look like? |itemproper2]]

I am in no way skilled enough of a writer to do it justice. You should have hired a poet instead. [[I haven't hired you. This is free. |itemproper3]]

Well you get what you paid for. [[And you're about to get a scathing review |itemproper4]] [[So that's it? |thats]]

Even if by describing it I would use dirty literary tricks? [[Dirty literary tricks... You must have an exciting sex life. |itemproper5]]

Yes, that's it. I can't possibly find the words to describe such beauty. [[Now listen here, mister. I have gotten this far in your ridiculous story and I have even enjoyed some of it. I'm not about to give up just because you imagined something that is so amazing it gave you writer's block. So you better get yourself together and come up with a way to get the item to appear in my head or else we will have a problem! |itemproper4]]

Thank's for noticing! Alright. Ready? [[Well you're not giving me a choice to click on something else, so I guess that I am. |itemproper6]]

You know what? You're right. Let's try that again: Alright. Ready? [[I was born ready! |description]] [[Wait, I have to prepare. |prepare]]

The item is devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. It is of the kind you never would have expected to see, except for maybe in the paintings of ancient masters depicting the faces of the gods. It's curved like an egg, but its gorgeous curve would put even the most perfect of eggs to shame. Like a gem you can see into it, at the dazzling shapes that make up its inner flawlessness. It radiates a faint glow of warm and brilliant and mysterious and beautiful light. You gape at its flawless perfection, too shy to approach. For a drawing, just think "perfect" and let yourself get swept away. [[Why am I thinking of sparkling vampires all of a sudden? |desc2]]

Alright, gather your thoughts. [[Gathering my thoughts... |prep2]]

Shine your mental armor. [[Shining my mental armor... |prep3]]

Tighten your shoes. [[Can't. Left them by the door... |prep4]]

Ah, good point. Pull up your socks then. [[Pulling up my socks... |prep5]]

Stretch and then hop about. [[Stretching and hopping... |prep6]]

Take a deep breath. [[Taking a deep breath... |prep7]]

Realize that I can't come up with these forever. [[Realizing the limits of your imagination... |prep8]]

Well, maybe not quite the limits per se, more like the limits of this particular branch of my vast imagination. [[Realizing how much of a tool you are... |prep9]]

You know what? Just forget it. Take another deep breath. [[Another deep breath... |prep0]]

And let's do this! [[Let's go. |description]]

Maybe you should ask a mormon? [[Sick reference, bro! |theitem]]

Thanks, I like to keep my references well oiled. You approach the item in awe. Each step makes you feel more unworthy of sharing the same room as something so magnificient. [[Reach out a hand. |vision]] [[Admire it some more |joke1]]

You reach out and touch it. For a moment you are overwhelmed by a pleasant, warm tingling sensation shooting through you. You see a white light and in the light you see a tree. Your turbo charged intuition knows that this tree holds the way to save your village from the barbarians. You also feel that this tree is somewhere to the south-east of you. As the vision fades you find yourself standing in the priest's chamber, item in your hand. Your senses are sharp and clear. You feel like you understand, everything. For starters you know that "turbo charged intuition" makes no sense at all. [[Yes. A turbo charger is an exhaust gas driven air compressor used in a forced induction, internal combustion engine, that increases the density of the air going into the intake, allowing it to burn more efficiently. So you can't really turbo charge intuition. |vision2]]

You bask in its glory some more. After a while you: [[Reach out. |vision]] [[Admire it some more. |joke2]]

You know that this joke will get really stale if you keep doing that. [[Well then stop baiting me. |joke15]] [[Dude, its been stale since before the ferryman. |joke2000]]

But I have to give you at least some semblance of choice, otherwise I could just as well have written this as pure text. [[Still struggling with the medium? |jolke16]]

So why do you keep on choosing it? [[I can't help myself! Also, I really have nothing better to do. |joke3000]]

That's... Sad. [[Says the grown man writing about neighbourhood terrorizing mountain snails. |jokecomplete]]

Yeah. I guess I have to start telling non-linear stories. [[You know what? Let me help you out. How about next time you give me a choice, I just click on the one which will obviously get on with the story and think to myself "Wow, this story is so deep. I bet I would have a completely different experience if I had clicked on that". |jokejoke]]

Alright. But in all seriousness, it's really hard to try to give you the illusion of a choice in what is in it's essence a linear tale. Would you please, for the sake of this just choose the option that obviously advances the story and just imagine that choosing something else would send you down this wildly different path with completely different events and stuff?' Please? I promise that my next story will actually branch. [[Alright. When you put it like that I guess I can just choose the obvious option. |jokejoke]]

That would be so cool! Could we try right away? So, you're standing in front of the item and then you: [[This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but yes, I reach out to touch it. |owe]] [[I admire it some more. |firemen]]

You- You... YOU. Alright... Very well. You bend down to study the item, but being the clumsy person that you are you soon loose balance. You straighten, quite violently, and once again loose balance. You stumble backwards, trying to hold on to something. In a desperate struggle for balance your sausage-like fingers (Your parents were right, you're never going to be able to realize your dream of learning to play the piano) grab onto a silver candelabra. [[Oh, no! The floor is so deceivingly flat! |firemen2]]

Yes. Candelabra in hand you trip over the perfectly smooth floor. Your wild but ultimately useless flailing makes your pants slide down to your ankles, exposing your bottom. Finally, mercifully, the floor proves too much of a challenge and you slam down, face first, bum in the air, candelabra trapped under you. Something goes click in your back and you are unable to move. [[Damn, if I only got off the couch at least once a week I wouldn't have this problem. |firemen3]]

Well, you live and you learn. You are lucky, however. After a mere 3 hours, The local fire department comes by for their routine inspection. Through the door come 12 heroic firefighters and the chief fire inspector. Why look! The chief fire inspector is actually your old high school crush. You know, the one you were always too shy to talk to? [[Maybe now I can finally muster up the courage to present him/her with my collection of romantic poems? I have bound them together into a volume titled: "The throes of eternal loneliness" |firemen4]]

Fat chance. Your high school crush seems to have become very successful, while still retaining that powerful attraction you have felt towards them for all of these years. You however, look like you tried to rob a lonely church and failed miserably. Both your crush and the firefighters help to straighten you up. They assure you that this happens all the time and that there is nothing to worry about. But in their eyes you can see that this will be their go-to hilarious story for years to come. Furthermore you notice how your crush seems to have a great need to wash his/her hands after touching you. [[I can explain! |firemen5]]

You explain the whole situation to them, which takes a long time on account of you being unable to stop crying. They believe you. The priest told them about a mighty hero who one day will come to claim an ancient artifact. They insinuate that while indeed being mighty in size, you don't necessarily strike them as a hero. But they understand that you have a long history of disappointing those that hold you to any standard whatsoever. As they leave, your crush turns towards you one last time with a look of utter pity. [[Wait! I haven't told you about my obsession with sonic the hedgehog yet! |firemen6]]

The door slams shut and you hear laughter fading into the distance. You are once again standing in front of the item. What. do. you. do? [[REACH OUT! I reach out for it, I touch it, I caress it! I tell it that I love it! Just let me touch it pleaaaaaaassssseeeee! |vision]]

I bet your newfound, suernatural intuition told you that. [[It did. |goback]]

It's time to get back. You purposefully step out of the chamber and notice that the superannuated ex-priest was not only freed from his duties as a servant of the church, but also from some of his moral obligations. Because while you were in the chamber with the item he clearly came back and nicked all your stuff. All that's left is a pair of old, worn, priest slippers. [[Damn those externally enforced morals! |goback2]]

It doesn't matter. You wouldn't have had the time to ski back anyway. But you don't need skis because you have the item and it is the perfect plothole filler. You put on the slippers and step out into the frigid wastes. Following your newfound supernatural intuition, you wander east and after about 15 minutes you reach the bus stop by the municipal road 48. The bus arrives shortly after to take you south. [[Plot hole filler indeed... |busback4]]

The bus heads south at a steady pace. This gives you time to reflect on your travels. The funny fields, the giant moustache with the woman selling you fake tickets, the depressed ferryman, the lord's castle in the west... [[What am I doing with my life? |busback5]]

After several hours of reflecting, a couple of movies, many trips to the on-board toilet and some more reflecting you arrive back at the northernmost village. This is as close as you'll get to your destination. [[Well, that was interesting. |south]]

Your intuition tells you to go south, so south you go. Soon the flat rocky plains become rolling hills. You aren't far away from your village, all the while searching for the tree. [[And I am walking, am I not? |southw]]

Do remind me to make you accidentally lose the item before this story is over, will you? [[You are such a child. |south 4]]

Right. So you're moving south, through meadows and rolling hills trying to find the exact location of the tree from your vision. You turn west, then north, then east and then you just kind of meander around, growing confused. It seems that even superhuman intuition needs some practice to really unfold. So you stop and ask a farmer standing in a field. [["Excuse me, good sir! This may sound rather peculiar but do you know of a tree that grows- |south5]]

Before you can finish, the farmer points in the direction you came from, mumbling something about "bloody tourists" [["Thank you kind sir! My warmest regards. |south6]]

Now he's mumbling something about "Bloody nobility". [[Ah yes, the agrarian caste. How utterly charming. |south7]]

You've had an item of power for a grand total of 12 panels and already you've forgotten that this story started with you living in a village not far from here? [[I say! Mind your accusations there, good sir. I have done nothing to soil your reputation. |south8]]

You've done nothing to- Alright, instead of arguing why don't you go and check out where that farmer pointed to? [[Check out? How very modern! Very well, this is getting somewhat uncomfortable anyway. |south9]]

You start walking but then your slipper gets caught in a rut and you lose balance. The item somehow frees itself from your backpack, flies through the air and into a rabbit hole. You scramble after it but the rabbit hole is deep. Faint echoes suggest that the item is making its way towards the center of the planet... [[Oh come on! That is just bad storytelling! |south0]]

Nope, that's called a last minute, crammed in set up for a sequel. Much better than a forced cliffhanger! [[Sequel? |sequel]]

Yeah. I'm thinking global conflict, space barbarians and you having to travel to the center of the earth to retrieve the item from the clutches of a forgotten subterranean empire of sentient lizard people or something. There would be explosions, a romantic sub-plot, a wisecracking sidekick and loads of kung-fu! I'd call it "Barbarians 2: The Barbaring." But what are you doing fantasizing here with me? Go find that tree! [[Alright, but I really hope you move on to other projects after this. There is no way I'm learning kung-fu. |sequel2]]

Shame. Anyway. After some walking you crest a small hill and there it is! You must have walked past it like 5 times without realizing. [[That's cool, but what exactly is "it"? |tree]]

It is a tree! Not any tree mind you, no! Just draw a tree. Ok? Now draw tiny moustaches growing among the leaves. Oh! And a cat sleeping on one of the lower branches. Very important. Get it? This is a tree that grows fake moustaches! They even come with glue and all! [[I don't know what you are planning, but I assume that it's going to be ridiculous. |tree2]] [[This is my second read through and I know for a fact that it's going to be ridiculous. |again2]]

I see that your intuition hasn't worn off completely yet! You have barely begun to wrap your head around what you are seeing when the cat stirs, lifts its head and regards you from afar. After a moment it rises to its paws and stretches, clearly annoyed at you, "the inconvenience". Then it hops down from its branch and starts to approach you, tail raised like a flagpole. It stops a few meters before you and starts to speak with a human voice. "Hello human, my name is Purra (Pronounced with a Finnish accent) and I am the guardian of this tree." [[WHAT THE F- |tree3]] [[Who's a cutsy wutsy witsy kittsy? |kitsy]]

You're reading this again? Well color me honored! Hit me up some day and we can go grab a beer or something. [[I will! |tree2]] [[They let you out of the mental institution? |again3]]

Not really, but we can sit at either side of the wall tossing a bottle back and fourth. [[Sounds like a lovely evening! Now comes the part with the cat right?|tree2]]

Really? After all that you have been through, a talking cat solicits that kind of reaction? [[Fair point. Let me adjust my reaction: Oh my! |tree4]]

The cat looks at you with contempt. "Please don't do that." [[I'm sorry, I can't help it. |tree4]] [[(Go on your knees and rub your fingers together) Now who's a gruffy fluffy kitty? |kitsy2]]

The cat looks at you for a moment, before resuming: "I am the guardian of the ancient tree of moustaches. To grant you access to this wonder of the earth, you must first answer 3 riddles and then complete 3 quests. The first riddle will be given in Spanish, the second will be French and the third will be Jamaican Patois. Then you must climb the tallest mountain, dive into the deepest lake and eat the biggest meal. Are you ready for the first question?" [[No. |tree5]]

The cat sighs, then comes over and boops her head to your hands. She lets herself get scratched for a moment before ducking away as if her bones have turned to water. She returns to her original position, sitting tall and proud. "Have we appeased the idiot?" [[Oh my goodness! You are so cute! |kitsy4]]

The cat sighs again and moves another couple of steps. The further she goes the more you feel in control of yourself. "Have we now apeased the idiot?" [[I'm sorry, It's the proximity. I can't help myself. |kitsy5]]

"Apology accepted." [[Thanks. |tree4]]

What do you mean no? [[I refuse. |tree6]]

But this is a pivotal part of the story! [[Look. I have done everything you told me. I have met your weird characters, drawn things that make no sense, I've literally been to the edge of the world and look where it got me! I'm talking to a friggin cat by a friggin tree that grows friggin moustaches! Im done! I just want to go home and save my village and see this through to the end! |tree7]]

And that's what you apparently do. You stride right past the bewildered kitty, up to the tree and pick it clean of moustaches. You stuff the moustaches into your backpack and start on your way home. How can you live with yourself?! [[Yeah, well you should have positioned an old wise person or something else than a bloody talking cat. |tree8]]

She prefers paté. Oh and look! You are very close to your village! But so are the barbarians... [[I must make haste! |villageb1]]

Cresting one final hill you see your village down in the valley. To imagine this properly you would need to draw a tiny village nearly encircled by a black mass which upon closer inspection consists of tens of hundreds of cartoonish barbarians. Draped in furs, horny helmets, great shaggy beards, battle axes and all! They have not managed to fully encircle the village, leaving a strip of land big enough for you to slip by. [[I made it! We might have a chance after all! |villageb2]] [[So these are all men? |barmen]]

You aim straight for the main square in the heart of your little village. There you shout for the village crier to get off his platform. [[HEY! GET OFF THAT PLATFORM! |villageb3]]

The barbarians? What makes you think that? [[Well they all have beards, right? |barmen2]]

Yes. Have you ever seen a non-bearded barbarian? [[Yes. Yes I have in fact. |barmen3]] [[No. Actually I haven't seen any barbarians at all. |barmenno]]

Indeed? Where have you seen such an impossible creature? [[It wasn't me, like, um, it was my uncle, right? Like he saw a woman barbarian once in the... alps and she obviously didn't have a beard and, uh, like, he told me. |barmen4]]

So what makes you think that there are no women among your would-be conquerors? [[Because of the beards, obviously! |barmen5]]

And your uncle, what is his name? [[P-Pe-Pre... Preston! Uncle preston. |barmen5]]

Right. I'm not really digging that "judging books by their covers" thing you have going there, so count yourself lucky that this isn't some political piece. [[You're a political piece! |barmen6]]

However, you quickly realize that having a shouting match with someone who shouts for a living is a really, really silly idea. So you try a different approach. [[Look, I'm sorry but could I please just borrow your platform for a moment? It's really important. |villageb4]]

That worked! You get up on the platform and shout out for everybody to gather round you. A few moments later you are in the middle of a crowd of clean, shaven, friendly but worried faces. [[Listen up folks! I have returned from a quest that not only gave me the means to save this village but also convinced me that I never ever want to leave again. There is not much time left so we will have to act quickly... |villagebar]]

Some time later the village is totally surrounded and the chieftain of the barbarians rides up to the gates on a massive, shaggy mare. This would be the point where he would knock on the gates and demand to be let in but in this particular instance that would be very difficult since your gates don't have any actual... gates. [[Hm. Maybe I should have fixed that. |villagebar1]]

Too late now! He rides right into your village with a posture of a master conqueror who is convinced that this will be an easy pick. For a while he just charges through the village aimlessly in an attempt to show his dominance over this defenseless hamlet. [[I hope this works. Otherwise I will never trust another bloody narrator for the rest of my life. |villagebar2]]

Well let's see about that. After a while, the chieftain rides into the main square and stops. Looking down he pulls his mighty battle axe out of its holster and with one practiced move he raises it up triumphantly. He opens his mouth to deliver a speech of how you are all his new subjects and stuff. But then he freezes, as if he hadn't noticed the villagers until now. [[This is stupid. |villagebar3]]

Every man, woman, child, cat, dog, cow and chicken in the village is sporting one of the most magnificient moustaches imaginable. They are all looking at him with a mightily stern expression. The chieftain is just sitting there, axe raised and mouth open. [[I wonder what he's thinking. |villagebar4]]

Not much, by the look of him. Obviously his intel was wrong. These aren't well-behaved, friendly and clean-shaven people at all. They look to be stern and commanding. Not like pushovers at all. This makes the chieftain very nervous. This will not be the easy conquest he had hoped for. What if they resist in front of his friends? What if they make him look silly? Like any common bully he cannot take that risk. [[What a twat. |villagebar5]]

Axe raised, mouth open, he starts to back out as nonchalantly as one could hope for, being the leader of a great army riding a shaggy warhorse. Slowly but surely he backs out all the way to the imaginary gates, where he turns around and rides back to his followers, leaving an unbearably awkward silence. Arriving at the mass of barbarians he says something to the extent of "Nah man, they are just a bunch of dorks man. It's not worth my time. Let's check out what's over that hill, man." And with that, the big black mass starts retreating at an unreasonably lazy pace. Your village is saved! [[That is such an anti-climactic ending. |villagebar6]]

But it worked! The villagers rush towards you, hoisting you up onto their shoulders, celebrating! There will be a feast tonight. [[Whatever man, could we just wrap this up? |villagebar7]]

But what about the epilogue? The feast? You growing old and living a good life? Why are you so cranky anyway? Have I not sent you on an epic adventure? Did you not appreciate saving your village? [[Dude. During the entire story you have completely neglected to write in any food or toilet breaks. I have literally skied to the end of the world without going to the toilet. If I don't get to just go home and not deal with this anymore, there will be a lawsuit. |theend]]

Oh. [[Yeah, that about sums it up. |theend2]]

Well in that case, congratulations for getting through this story! Feel an overwhelming need to talk to me? Comments, criticisms, hatemail, love letters, casual conversations, government secrets and such? You can do so at: [email protected] Thanks a lot for reading! Daniel.

You float past star systems and nebulas. Everything seems so beautiful and so calm. You have no worries. There are no worries. And then ghostly george appears walking at a brisk pace, humming to himself. He walks right by you, continues for a while, stops and then turns around. Then he walks back to bend down over you. "What the... What are you doing here?" [[Relax man, there are literally no reasons to stress. |ded3]]

"Relax? Relax!? Not even 24 hours after being told that you and everyone you know is in grave danger of being conquered by barbarias you are telling me to relax while lying in a field, high as a kite?" [[Man, I'm not sure I believe in the concept of barbarians anymore, man. It's like, I'm transcending time and space, man. |ded4]]

"I know. I live here." [[Trippy, dude! So you see, I don't really have to be the protagonist and stuff. There is like, no real reason for me to continue and risk messing with my vibes... |ded5]]

Ghostly George gives a visible sigh. "We are going to need an intervention, aren't we? Very well, come along now. I shall show you your future and what may happen if you continue on your journey." And with that he grabs you by the hand and pulls you along floating behind him. Around you, the stars grow dim [[Hey, man. You are like violating my rights or something! |ded6]]

The light dims and you float in pure darkness pulled along by Ghostly George. Quite suddenly light returns and you find yourself surrounded by clouds. Ghostly George stops and rolls you over. About 10 meters below you, you see a scene unfold: [[Is this like a vision or something? |ded7]]

No. More of a cheap storytelling gimmick. Anyway, here is the scene: //Approaching the mountains you see a figure standing by the road, waving at you. Getting closer you realize that it's a woman with a massive moustache.// Ghostly Geroge interjects: "If you give up now you will never meet that woman and you will never get to help her in a rather serious matter. Now what kind of bobolyne wouldn't want to do that?" [[Bobolyne?|ded8]]

"Oh, forget it! Lets go. I dont have all of eternity. Once again the world around you grows dark. When the light returns you find yourself floating above a pier with a ferry moored to it. You also see yourself standing on the pier, talking to a bald man. You hear him say: //"Yes. My name is Fred Ferryman and I have inherited this company from my father Ferdinand Ferryman, who inherited it from his mother Fiona Ferryman. The ferryman clan has ferried ferrygoers across the Runny River since the invention of ferries. In fact it was my ancestor, Frak son of Frok who first discovered that wood floats on water... and how to profit from it. Right here on the Runny River"// You hear Ghostly George: "Here, you save the ferryman from certain bankruptcy. Or rather, you will save him if you take responsibility for your actions, get up and stop being such a loiter-sack." [[George, I think you may want to update your swear words. |ded9]]

"Says the scobberlotcher! My swear words are of the latest fashion, thank you very much. Let's move on" The world dims and moments later you are floating by the rafters of a small church with small windows and an even smaller door. You see yourself standing in the middle of the chamber. By the door is an ancient man dressed as a priest, his face an expression of pure joy. He shouts at you: //"I am free! I want to go south! I want to experience mobile phones! And sneakers! And rap music!"// "Here you free an old priest to live out his unnaturally long life in southern comfort. Now if you whiffle-whaffle of an individual remain stoned and doing nothing you will never meet the priest and release him from his burden!" [[I guess when you put it like that... |ded0]]

It grows dark but this time you see stars appearing. You are once again floating through space, Ghostly George is once again looking down on you. "So? Have you come to a realization? Do you now understand that your journey is linked to the fates of not only your village dwelling companions but many others you will meet along the way? Have you internalized your role in this?" [[Well, since this is the only link I can click on I guess that I have internalized this and am ready to continue the journey. So yes George, I am ready. |ded11]]

"Splendid! Off you go!" [[Choose your own adventure my ass. This is pretty linear, isn't it? |itis]]

Yeah, no. That's not happening, I have more than enough on my plate with you. I'm not going to come up with slogans for depressed ferrymen. Although you do have the fake ticket... [[Well thanks. Alright, but I don't think it's going to come over very well... |narratorw2]]

"Are you alright? Did you say something about a dude following you around?" [[Dude? Of course not, Mr. Ferryman! What I meant is: Look at this (give him the ticket) |ferry8]]

After what might have been actual hours, you arrive at a set of oaken doors on the end of a long corridor lined with armored knights. The woman ends her monologue by saying: "Before we go into the main hall, also known as the great hall, the king's hall, the usurper's hall and the usurper's execution hall to end our tour, we stop for a Q and A session. So please, raise your hand and I will try to answer your questions to the best of my abilities" You are overwhelmed by her aura of boredom and resignation. [[Raise hand |qaa]]

Well wanna try? [[What?|argue2]]

Wanna try to argue? [[Yes. Yes! This is silly and I demand satisfaction! |argue3]] [[No, this is just some trick. I walk towards the village |nvil2]]

Well good try, but it doesn't work. You pretty much walk towards the village. [[Not if I turn this off! |argue4]]

Please don't do that. And since you're still reading this you probably didn't! Great call! [[Yeah, I kind of have to see where this train wreck goes... |nvil2]]

Thanks a lot! I owe you one. [[You certainly do. |vision]]

Well yes. Every great adventure has plenty of walking in it. [[And I am to assume that this is a "great adventure"? |southw2]]

Stakes are high. Action is tense. World is travelled. Those are the hallmarks of a great adventure. [[If you say so... But I would have done things rather differently. |southw3]]

How so? [[Well, a greater feeling of being in control for starters. Greater stakes and either a known enemy or something more unknowable and impossible than plain "barbarians". I would add details, greater prose, more research to create a believable world, beautiful but deeply flawed characters. I would let my intuition take over and create art. Real art! |south3]]

Well I could come up with an old priestess who sits on a flying carpet? Or maybe a genie in a can? [[A genie in a can? |treecan]]

Yeah, the guild of genies (genii?) has never really recovered from that Disney lawsuit... [[Right... But I have the moustaches. No need for me to go back and be ordered about by some floating grandma. |treecan2]]

You got a point. But still: how do you sleep at night? [[Alright, I'll mail the cat a can of tuna when this is over. |tree9]]

Well you're even more of a piece than I am! [[Nuh-uh! You're a thousand times more of a piece than I ever will be! |barmen7]]

Well your face is... Hang on. If this piece is not political then we are hitting way too close to home. How about we call it a truce and you continue on to the village? [[You're right. We are adults and I will continue to the village. |villageb2]]

You don't want the ticket? It seems like a good deal... [[You're right! |ticket]] [[Nah. I'll just wait it out. Thanks. |ndeal2]]

Very well. You stand there in silence, the woman growing visibly confused. "So... you want the ticket or no?" [[Alright! |ticket]] [[No. Not really... Beautiful day isn't it? |ndeal3]]

Alright. You know that the only way forward is buying that ticket, right? [[Yeah... Let me do it. |ticket]] [[Really? So why can I click on this then? |ndeal4]]

Well never mind that! Look, we can be here all day. I have time. I'm sure that you on the other hand have stuff to do. So what do you say? [[You have a point there. Let me buy that ticket. |ticket]] [[You have a point there. But what's over here? |ndeal5]]

No. Please just buy the ticket. [[Alright then! |ticket]] [[Why? |ndeal6]]

Because maybe you will find something you might not like. [[You know what? This has gone on too long. Let me have that ticket. |ticket]] [[Mmmmmm.... No! |ndeal7]]

Well now you've done it. [[Wait. Where is the second option? |ndeal8]]

What second option? [[You know, the one that lets me buy the ticket. I miss that now. |ndeal9]]

You may have become unstuck in time and you worry about choice? [[No, it's the narrative. I want to see what happens! |ndeal0]]

Very well. One last chance before we start looping. [[Buy the ticket. |ticket]] [[Be stubborn |ndeal]]