Happy Funtime Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch of Destiny

In the arena, two majestic alabaster unicorns duel to the death. Their tungsten chainsaw horns ring out against one another like a swarm of killer bees in a blender. [[Intervene]] [[Place bet]] [[Leave]]

[[Sneak backstage]] [[Storm arena]]

[[$1|small]] [[$10|small]] [[$100|small]] [[All the $|large]]

You shed a single tear and make for the gates. You shan't stay a minute longer. "Hot dogs! Fresh hot dogs!" calls a vendor. Well, maybe just one minute. ~END~

Leprechauns are doing the same. "Save the unicorns?" asks one, holding out his hat. [[Donate]] [[Demand action]]

What did you have for breakfast today? [[Toast]] [[PopTarts]] [[Cinnamon bagel|PopTarts]] [[Schnapps|PopTarts]]

Enraged megaunicorns chainsaw-trample you to death. ~END~

The unicorns stop fighting at the scent of deliciousness. One bows! You mount your steed and charge through the crowd leaving severed limbs and devastation in your wake. Take that, society! ~END~

The unicorns smell money. They eat you! ~END~

Which unicorn? [[Plucky Challenger]] [[Laser-Eyes]]

Laser-Eyes disembowels your unicorn with his chainsaw horn and calmly begins to chomp at the intestines spilling from the carcass. The arena staff bring in a new opponent. [[Leave]] [[Place bet]] [[Intervene]]

KABUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTZZAP!!! Just look at that face melt! You win a ton of money. Suddenly leprechauns! [[Chat]] [[Punt]]

"Save the unicorns!" The leprechaun holds out his hat. "Please!" [[Donate]] [[Intervene]] [[Punt]]

You boot the leprechauns into the arena. They clamber onto Laser-Eyes like tiny jockeys! [[Hide in toilet]] [[Cunning disguise]]

Occupied! [[Cunning disguise]] [[Helicopter bandana]] [[Helicopter sandals]]

[[Abandoned drag queen wig]] [[Unicorn skin]]

Those don't exist! [[Cunning disguise]] [[Helicopter sandals]]

Batteries dead! [[Helicopter bandana]] [[Cunning disguise]] [[Power-pack]]

Two bars battery! [[Find outlet]] [[Fly half-charged]]

You are now disguised (but unfortunately also quite sexy). One of the leprechauns asks you out! [[Go out with him]] [[Say no]]

You are now covered in skin from a gross bin full of unicorn parts. "Next contestant!" shouts the arena manager. Uh-oh. [[Enter arena]] [[Flee]]

Childproof cover! [[Pry off]] [[Fly half-charged]]

You fall into a unicorn skin bin. [[Uh-oh!|Unicorn skin]]

Success! Also, the toilet's free now. [[Charge sandals]] [[Hide]]

[[Observe from above]] [[Sneak backstage]] [[To infinity and beyond!]]

You hide in the toilet and fall asleep there. When you wake, the danger has passed. [[Place bet]] [[Leave]]

You flip a penny into the hat. Unfortunately it tips him over $444 in cash. Scenting money, the unicorns break out and devour him. [[Unicorns everywhere]]

Reason with the audience or release the beasts? [[Heartfelt speech]] [[Unicorns everywhere]]

You don't know what it is about this leprechaun, but he seems like a keeper. He takes you out for dinner, but you have to pay because he's a little short. Badum-tsh. ~END~

You politely decline, but a different leprechaun asks you out! (This one is marginally more handsome.) [[Go out with him]] [[Say no]] [[Cunning ruse]]

You tell him you have lost your fidget spinner in this dumpster of unicorn skin. Would he mind helping you find it? Would he ever! He jumps in the bin. You've got to admit, that's pretty sweet. [[Go out with him]] [[Close the lid]] [[Don't close the lid]]

You close the lid. Unfortunately about six other leprechauns just saw you do that. Clearly your ruse was not cunning enough! Their disapproving murmuring spooks Laser-Eyes, who accidentally bisects you with his chainsaw horn. ~END~

The other leprechauns hop in to help. Loud squelching noises emanate from the grotty skin bin. [[Close the lid now]] [[Still don't close it]]

You close the lid on the leprechauns, hop onto Laser-Eyes' back and ride off into the sunset. You ride pretty slowly, though, what with the chainsaw horn waving about right in front of you. ~END~

Laser-Eyes takes the opportunity to stick his head in there to feast on his fallen bretheren. Unfortunately, due to his questing chainsaw horn, everybody in the bin has now attained the consistency of chunky salsa. [[Inform the authorities]] [[Obtain nachos]]

Eh. Nobody's around so that feels like a hassle. [[Keep looking]] [[Close the lid now]]

Ew. No. ~END~

Laser-Eyes has consumed the entire contents of the bin by the time you find anyone. Meh. You tried. ~END~

There's a new unicorn here. A big one. [[Remove disguise]] [[Suggest truce]]

You're mercilessly gunned down by a team of trained Shetland ponies with revolvers duct-taped to their heads. Looks like they were authorised to use lethal horse! That would be funnier if you weren't dead. ~END~

Oh man, this is dangerous. Ultraviolent unicorns with chainsaws for horns are running all around you. That one doesn't have a face. He seems pretty unhappy about it. [[Hide]] [[Flee]] [[Console faceless unicorn]]

You make an impassioned speech about the sanctity of life and the abhorrence of blood sports, shedding true tears of passion as you do so. There are angry jeers from the drunken audience. But then a little girl stands up and begins to clap! Others join her, and gradually, drowning out the hate, there grows a thunderous applause. The unicorns try to clap too. One of them breaks a leg in the process and has to be shot in the face. It kind of puts a dampener on things, if you're honest. ~END~

All clear! [[Place bet]] [[Leave]]

You reach 18,000 feet before the batteries cut out: pretty good for an aircraft you bought at Foot Locker, but you still plummet to your death. ~END~

You assure the faceless unicorn that he's beautiful on the inside, and that's where it counts. He bows his head in thanks, accidentally grinding your face off in the process. Dude, not cool! ~END~

"Behold!" you shout as you cast off the unicorn skin. It doesn't get much of a response. [[Get naked]] [[Heartfelt speech]]

The unicorn bows his head. "I too am weary of bloodshed." You breathe a sigh of relief and turn to leave. "Psych!!!" bellows the unicorn, and decapitates you with his horn. "Yeah! Undefeated!!!" ~END~

That doesn't get much of a response either. Clearly the Ultraviolent Unicorn Deathmatch crowd are a tough bunch to shock. ~END~