Once upon a time, (either: "early", "late", "first thing") in the morning, Randy McRandomface was (either: "rudely", "loudly", "suddenly", "inconveniently", "gently", "quietly") awoken by his monkey butler (either: "bashing two halibut together", "playing the trombone right in his freakin' ear", "belting out the //Friends// theme tune at the top of his lungs", "dumping five hundred ping pong balls over his head").
He just knew it was going to be one of those days.
"Might as well [[get up]]," he thought to himself, drowsily.Randy yawned. Just yesterday he'd found himself getting up (display: "time") because his monkey butler had decided to wake him by (display: "monkey activity"). He doubted anybody else in the world was awoken as (display: "adverb") as he was.
Randy would have fired that monkey months ago, but wow did he know how to cook.
Randy sure was [[looking forward to breakfast]].(either: "bashing two halibut together", "playing the trombone right in his freakin' ear", "belting out the //Friends// theme tune at the top of his lungs", "dumping five hundred ping pong balls over his head")(either: "early", "late", "first thing")(either: "rudely", "loudly", "suddenly", "inconveniently", "gently", "quietly")Sure enough, Randy McRandomface's monkey butler had really outdone himself this time: (random: 1, 100) (either: "boiled", "poached", "devilled", "fried", "scrambled") eggs awaited him upon the table.
Yes, this was a feast well befitting the most important meal of the day!
...but just then, [[something incredibly random]] happened!Before Randy could enjoy even a mouthful of his eggs, (display: (either: "good event", "bad event"))!
The end!
[[Restart?->Start]](set: $event to "good")(display: (either: "group", "loner")) appeared and (either: "bestowed upon", "gave", "handed", "gifted", "presented") him (display: "object")(set: $event to "bad")(display: (either: "group", "loner")) appeared and (either: "struck", "beat", "clobbered", "assaulted") him with (display: "object"){
(if: $event is "good")[(either: "a band of merry, magical elves", "every goat in existence", "several million pixies", "the entire cast of //Orange is the New Black//", "three gnomes in a big coat", "half the population of Finland")]
(else:)[(either: "a swarm of angry bees formed into the shape of a poop emoji", "eighty rabid dogs", "the monkey butler's union", "telephone marketers", "a gang of eels in a brine-filled binbag", "twelve sentient, knife-wielding nunchucks", "the ghost of every egg he'd ever eaten")]
}{
(if: $event is "good")[(either: "Father Christmas", "a robot wearing a really cool hat", "the inventor of the toasted sandwich", "a unicorn", "a puppy made entirely of bubbles", "the most adorable kitten in the world", "the world record holder for most records held")]
(else:)[(either: "a sentient fart", "a baseball bat wielding another, smaller baseball bat", "a stained coaster with psychic powers", "a typo", "the ugliest pigeon", "an unfunny meme", "a papercut in the shape of Salvador Dali's moustache", "Slenderman's German cousin Hans Schlankermann")]
}{
(if: $event is "good")[(either: "a whole lot of Turkish delight", "whatever the cool kids are into these days", "an ingenious machine capable of turning used teabags into luxury gifts", "a sports car", "that thing you like", "even more eggs", "twice as many eggs again")]
(else:)[(either: "a dishcloth with a slug wrapped up in it", "twelve kilograms of rancid butter chilled to the point of being really quite hard", "violence from concentrate", "the physical manifestation of that feeling you get when you sit on a chair that's already warm from someone else's butt", "three billiard balls in a sock", "a pallet crate of mercury-soaked cotton wool")]
}