it's cancerous, a Love Story

And in that moment, it's all that really matters.\n\n\n[[...|Credits]]

“Do you have any family in the area?”\n\n\n''//Wait! What? Why would he ask that? Do I need surgery? Is a cyst really that big of a problem?//''\n\nYou finally say,\n\n“No, no family in the area.” \n\n\n[[The doctor takes a long breath|dontget]]. \n\n\n\n\n\n

[[The doctor enters|Metastatic]].

What do you do next?\n\n<<choice "Burst out into tears.">>\n\n<<choice "Rip his head off!!">>\n\n<<choice "Grab the chart. It must be someone else's.">>\n\n<<choice "Feel nothing, do nothing, say nothing.">>\n\n<<choice "Wake up.">>

“Well, it’s cancerous,” he says. \n\n\n\n[[Fuck.|Fuck]]\n

You look into the bathroom mirror and rearrange your hair. You brush it to the side, then pull it straight in the front. Finally, you settle on giving it a ruffle with your fingers and abadon the effort. \n\n“Ready?” asks your husband from the other room.\n \n“Almost. I’m just changing,” you reply.\n\n“Again?” he asks.\n\n“Yes, again,” you reply. \n\n[[You go to change|Change]].\n

“Breast cancer is more of a chronic disease now,” says the doctor. \n\n“But there’s no cure,” you reply. \n\n“We hope there will be.”\n\nSilently, you count the number of months till your next scan. The average lifespan of a metastatic breast cancer patient is, on average, only a couple years. How long has it now been for you?\n\n“I have a question,” your husband says. \n\n[[What does he ask?|Ask]]\n

You and your husband are taking an evening walk along a lakeshore. The sky is filled with colours of dusk, and the low sun casts a sparking red light across the water. While holding his hand, you raise it to your lips and give him a kiss. \n\n“Did I tell you that I love you today?” you ask him. \n\n“You just did,” he replies. \n\nHe wraps his arms around you, and together the two of you look out across the lake. \n\n\n[[You are in love.|End]]\n

\nTests\n\n//Scans//\n\nNeedles\n\n//Infusions//\n\nWaiting\n\n//Results//\n\nWeeks\n\n//Days//\n\nHours\n \n//[[Seconds|Traffic]].//

Breast cancer: It grows on you.\n\n[[Ugh|Five]].\n

Your husband is leaning over your desk and showing you his bushy ear hair as you sit there, working. \n\nHe stands up and begins to dance, singing this song:\n\n//Bush it . . . Bush it real good! Mm, mm, mm yeah, oh baby, baby - Bushy ear hair!//\n\n[[You are laughing.|Cry]]\n

\n\nIt's Cancerous, A Love Story\nby Catherine Brunelle\n\n\n\n\nStats and quotes from this game were found through:\n\n\nCancer.gov\nCanadian Cancer Survivor Network\n\nAwesome cancer and metastatic resources/charities:\n\nRethink Breast Cancer\nA Fresh Chapter\nLook Good Feel Better\n\nSupport research for metastatic cancer. Visit Metavivor.org

//Women my age don't get breast cancer.//\n//Women my age don't get breast cancer.//\n//Women my age don't get breast cancer.//\n//[[Women my age don't get breast cancer.|Breath]]//

\nTests\n\n//Scans//\n\nNeedles\n\n//Infusions//\n\nWaiting\n\n//Results//\n\nWeeks\n\n//Days//\n\nHours\n \n//[[Seconds|Traffic]].//

The doctor raises his eyebrows, digging deeper into your stinking, sweaty pitt. \n\n//squish, squish, squish//\n\nYou smile at the nurse behind him with a clip board in her hands. She smiles back. \n\nThe doctor begins to ask you questions:\n\n“How long have you had the bump?”\n\nYou reply:\n\n//[[“Zhaha hha.”|hurt]]//\n\n//[[“Jsjne heh ke?”|hurt]]// \n\n//[[“Nddy wu dfdfw!|hurt]]//\n\n

In that moment you make a decision. \n\n\n[[What do you decide?|TheChoice]]

The doctor shakes his head. \n\n“She’s not over 65, so she doesn’t qualify for that.”\n\n[[Try again|Ask]] OR [[Move on|Decide]]

The doctor shakes his head. \n\n“She’s not over 65, and that drug has been tested only for post-menopausal women.”\n\n[[Try again|Ask]] OR [[Move on|Decide]]

Metastatic Breast Cancer. “Metastatic cancer is cancer that has spread from the place where it first started to another place in the body. A tumor formed by metastatic cancer cells is called a metastatic tumor or a metastasis. The process by which cancer cells spread to other parts of the body is also called metastasis..” ^^Cancer.gov^^\n\n[[Ugh|Grows]].

You are standing on the sidewalk of a crowded street. People are streaming around you in fast blurred shapes like a river of flesh and sound and heat. Cars are passing in tandem with the changing walk/don’t walk street lights that keeps flashing bright red and green. \n\nSomewhere cars are honking. This chorus of honks is coming towards you, it’s getting louder and louder and louder until the street is filled with hundreds of honking cars. \n\nThe flow of faces suddenly stop, thousands and thousands of faces, as one, they open their mouth and begin to scream –pointing towards you, seeing you but not looking at you. \n\nThey are pointing downwards. \n\nYou look down. \n\n[[What do you see?|Down]]\n

You and your husband turn to one another. \n\nYou know what he wants you to choose. You also know that no matter what comes next, the cancer will adapt and your options are going to disappear. He knows this too. \n\n''But, there is always a but'' \n\nChoose one:\n\n[[But what if the next treament works?|WhatThen]]\n\n[[But what if we get more time?|WhatThen]] \n\n[[But what if I am the one who survives?|WhatThen]]\n\n

[[Then the doctor says,|ChemoQuestion]]

With a folder on his lap, tracking all the different scans, results and treatments you’ve had, he holds up his latest finding and asks the doctor. \n\nYour husband asks:\n\n[["What about ABC study?"|1]]\n\nOR\n\n[["What about that XYZ medication, it’s meant to stop the growing for awhile, right?"|2]]\n\nOR\n\n[["What is this new treatment, QRS?"|3]]\n

Only 5 percent of cancer research funds are spent on metastases while it kills 90% of all cancer patients ^^Canadian Cancer Survivor Network.^^\n\n[[Ugh|Choose]].\n

\nTests\n\n//Scans//\n\nNeedles\n\n//Infusions//\n\nWaiting\n\n//Results//\n\nWeeks\n\n//Days//\n\nHours\n \n//[[Seconds|Traffic]].//

Leaving the bathroom, you’re now in your bedroom and looking at the two different outfits tossed onto the bed. Which one do you choose?\n\n<<choice "The coral dress that flatters you. It’s one of your favourites for feeling good. You could put on your nice shoes too, and maybe your grandmother’s necklace for luck">>\n\nOR\n\n<<choice "The somewhat worn but reliable fitted sweat pants and sweater combination. Wearing this always makes you feel safe. You could put on your comfy shoes, and throw on a scarf or something for colour">>\n\n\n

“There are still more chemo options we can try.” \n\n[[...|chemoiscrap]]\n\n

“Are you ready?” asks your husband, squeezing your hand. \n\nYou nod, glancing away from the large mirror in the doctor’s office where you are now sitting upon a high bench. There’s a paper sheet beneath you and it crinkles with every little movement. \n\nHe squeezed your hand more firmly. “Did I tell you today that I love you?” he asks. \n\n“You just did,” you reply with a wink. \n\n“Don’t worry,” he says. “I'm with you.”\n\n\n\n//[[There is a knock on the door|Topless]].//\n

Will more chemo save you this time? How much time can it buy you, if it even works? When are you allowed to stop trying not to die?\n\nYour husband squeezes your hand. It's just you and him and the doctor. But really, it's just you and him. That's all that matters.\n\n''Look at him looking at you.'' \n\n[[Look at him.|Moment]] \n\n\n\n\n\n

It’s the middle of the night, and the pain along your back is blooming, like normal, but worse, your chest is so tight it’s impossible to breath; each attempt draws a dry, heavy wheeze. The room is spinning and there are spots of light everywhere. You brain is pulsing so hard, it’s ready to crack in two. \n\n“They’re on their way,” says your husband. “I rang the bell for them.” \n\nThe IV machine with its steady drip beeps loudly, again and again. The sharpness of its noise competes with your laboured wheeze. \n\n“They’re coming,” he says, staring at you with large, pleading eyes. “They’ll be here any minute.”\n\n\n[[You are crying.|Love]]\n

“Does it hurt?”\n\n\n\nYou say:\n\n//[[“Bhsa ji okes szia!”|family]]//\n\n//[[“Cand i lik ne sjz.”|family]]// \n\n//[[“Lk.|family]]//\n

You change into your clothes and look once more in the [[mirror.|Mirror]]\n\n

The doctor shakes his head. \n\n“She’s not over 65, so the government won’t cover that drug. It’s 30,000$ for a month of pills.”\n\n[[Try again|Ask]] OR [[Move on|Decide]]

It's Cancerous: Play the game!

\nTests\n\n//Scans//\n\nNeedles\n\n//Infusions//\n\nWaiting\n\n//Results//\n\nWeeks\n\n//Days//\n\nHours\n \n//[[Seconds|Traffic]].//

“Did I tell you how much I love you today?” asks your husband.\n\n“You just did,” you reply. Leaning over, you give him a kiss. He smells like warm sand. \n\n“Don’t worry,” he says, stroking your face and pushing aside a curl, newly grown – or rather, regrown. “No one dies from breast cancer. They caught it early.” \n\nOne more kiss for good luck.\n\n[[There is a knock on the door|Doctor]].\n

You are topless, and still sitting on the crinkling paper. You’re also holding up your arm, hand on your head. The doctor, whose name rhymes with ‘apple’, has his hand deep into your armpit. \n\n//Gross.//\n\nIs this the right time to crack a joke? \n\n<<choice "Yes">>\n\nOR\n\n<<choice "No">>\n\n\n\n

[[A missing breast|Office]]\n\n[[An emaciated body: naked, bald and skeletal|Office]]\n\n[[Needle marks, bruises and blood smears|Office]]\n\n[[“CANCER” written in thick, black marker across your bare skin. Cancer, cancer, cancer|Office]]...\n\n

You change into your clothes and look once more in the [[mirror.|Mirror]]\n\n

A women in a green hospital gown looks back. Her face is pale. She looks scared. \n\n//[[She is you|Room]].//\n

Catherine Brunelle

You clear your throat. \n\n"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?" \n\nNo one answers at first. Your husband is sitting to the side in a chair. It feels too far away. He clears his throat too and says, "I don't know, what happens?"\n\n"It gets toad away."\n\n"Bazinga!" he replies, sending you a wink.\n\n[[The nurse laughs.|News]] \n\n