Jonas Mallory and the Bibliotek of Doom

<body>You awaken in a dark closet. Your hands are bound behind your back with rope. Small shafts of light peek through cracks in the wall. [[Look around closet->Look Closet2]] [[Struggle->Struggle1]] [[Try to remember->Remember]] Or if you've lived the nightmare before, here are some helpful buttons. [[Jump to the Attic|Jump to CultistAttic]] [[Jump to the Basement|Jump to CultBasementCorridor]] [[Jump to Rubble|Jump to Rubble]]</body>

The closet is bare, save for a metal hook attached to the ceiling. Not much to see while lying on the floor. [[Struggle->Struggle1]] [[Try to remember->Remember]]

You wiggle and shake at the ropes. [[Struggle More->Struggle2]] [[Look around closet->Look Closet2]] [[Try to remember|Remember]]

Oh yeah. You remember now. You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing, it's another. You try to return a library book and someone jumps you and now you're here. [[Look around closet->Look Closet2]] [[Struggle->Struggle1]]

You wiggle just enough to escape. That's cool.(set: $Tied to 1) [[Stand up->Closet2 Stand]]

You are now in the bare closet without your hands bound. Progress! [[Onward!->Closet2standing]]

<h1>Closet</h1> --- In the dim light coming from a small hole in the wall, you can see that this closet is small and bare. (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[O](else:)[On the floor is a piece of rope and o]n the ceiling is a metal hook. Just to your right is a door.{(set: $inroom to (a: "Hook", "Door"))} (if: (history:) contains "Look Through Hole")[ The sound of creaking continues above you as Gonk moves things around. The floorboard above the Hook must be loose.] (display: "Closet2actions") (display: "DoStuff")

---- {<head> <style> table, th, td {border: #0040FF ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.5em;} ttt {width: 25%; border: #0040FF ridge 0.8em; padding-top: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-left: 10px; align: center;} </style> </head> <body>} {<ttt style="width:25%;"> [[Try to Remember]]</ttt>} {<table style="width:100%;"><tr> <th style="width:25%;">}Hands</th> <th style="width:25%;">Eyes</th> <th style="width:25%;">Mouth</th> <th style="width:25%;">Inventory</th> </tr> <tr> <td style="width:25%;"> (display: "Hands") </td> <td style="width:25%;"> (display: "Eyes") </td> <td style="width:25%;"> (display: "Mouth") </td> <td style="width:25%;"> (display: "Inventory") </td></tr></table></body>

(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[ [[Use Hands on Hook|Use Hands on Hook]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Door")[ [[Use Hands on Door|Use Hands on Door]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[ (unless: $talkedabout contains "Gonkkey")[ [[Grab at Gonk's legs|Use Hands on Gonklegs]] ] (else:)[ [[Grab key from Gonk's Pocket|Use Hands on Gonklegs]] ]](if: $inroom contains "Gonkhead")[ [[Push Gonk through hole|Use Hands on Gonkhead]] [[Touch Gonk|Touch on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Altar")[ [[Use Altar|Use Hands on Altar]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Window")[ [[Open Window|Use Hands on Window]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Bystander2")[ [[Grab Bystander|Use Hands on Bystander2]] ](if: $inroom contains "Edna")[(if: $Jsaw contains "Edna")[ [[Help Edna down|Help Edna]]]](if: $inroom contains "Maxwell")[ [[Fist Bump Captain Max|Hands Maxwell]]]

(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[ [[Look at Hook|Use Eyes on Hook]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Door")[ [[Look at Door|Use Eyes on Door]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[ [[Look at Gonk|Look at Gonklegs]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonkhead")[ [[Look at Gonk|Use Eyes on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Altar")[ ] (if: $inroom contains "Window")[ [[Look out Window|Use Eyes on Window]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Bystander2")[ [[Look at Bystander|Use Eyes on Bystander2]] ](if: $inroom contains "Edna")[(if: $Jsaw contains "Edna")[ [[Look at Edna|Look Edna]]](else:)[ [[Look at Woman|Look Edna]]]](if: $inroom contains "Maxwell")[ [[Look at Captain Max|Look Maxwell]]]

(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[ [[Use Mouth on Hook|Use Mouth on Hook]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Door")[ [[Use Mouth on Door|Use Mouth on Door]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[ [[Bite Gonk|Use Mouth on Gonklegs]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonkhead")[ [[Bite Gonk|Use Mouth on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Altar")[ [[Lick Altar|Use Mouth on Altar]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Window")[ [[Yell out Window|Use Mouth on Window]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Bystander2")[ [[Talk to Bystander|Use Mouth on Bystander2]] ]

Go to where?(display: $InvUsing)

(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to return a library book and someone jumps you and and now you're here! (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[At least you picked up that rope...That's something.] (else:)[At least you are out of that rope. ] ] (if: $GonkPace is 1)[ Frankly it's hard to concentrate with that creaking floorboard.](if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to escape a closet and the roof comes down on you. Now you're staring at your would be captor's flailing legs.(unless: $talkedabout contains "Gonkkey")[Maybe you can get some information from him. ](else:)[Maybe you can convice him to give you his key. An optimist would try to reason with him. You on the other hand...] ](if: $where contains "Attic")[You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. (if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[You return a library book and someone steals your only proof that you did. Oh well better go get it.](else:)[ You return a library book and someone steals all your stuff. Well it should be around here somewhere.]](if: $where contains "Sapphire street")[You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to retrieve a receipt for your timesheet and some jerk summons a world ending horror. Maybe you can get some help. Quid Pro Quo. Which is a Latin phase you heard one place before. [[What does that mean?|QPQMeaning]]] (display: "Thereturnkey")

<h1>Inventory</h1> --- (display: "Inventory03") (display: "Thereturnkey")

You aren't close enough to bite the hook like a fish. --- (display: "Closet2standing")

You call out to anyone that might be behind the door. "Hey? Can you let me out?" After a minute you come to the conclusion that either there isn't anyone out there, or no one cares about you. --- (if: $inroom contains "Hook")[(display: "Closet2standing")](else:)[(display: "Destroyed closet")]

He'd kick your teeth out. Or in. or whatever. --- (display: "Destroyed closet")

He might bite you back. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

You'd rather not get Hepatitis J. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

You yell at the window hoping that someone will hear you, stop what they're doing, locate the direction of the sound, decide to help a total stranger in vague danger, come over to where you are, and help you. You wait for someone to do all of those things... You shrug, Oh well. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

[[Ask about Dark Lord]](if: $bystander2 is "Half")[ [[Ask about Half Orks]] [[Ask what he is doing here|Ask what is he doing here]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[ [[Ask about Ork Pants]] [[Ask what he is doing here|Ask what is he doing here]]](if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[ [[Ask about Ork Women]] [[Ask what she is doing here|Ask what is she doing here]] ] (display: "Thereturnkey")

Closet standing

It's out of reach. --- (display: "Closet2standing")

You knock politely on the door. No answer. --- (if: $inroom contains "Hook")[(display: "Closet2standing")](else:)[(display: "Destroyed closet")]

He's kicking too furiously. If you get close, you'll get kicked in the head. --- (display: "Destroyed closet")

His stubbly beard is scratchy. "Hey stop that!" --- (display: "CultistAttic")

It was always your dream to get an unknown substance on you hands! Oh wait. No it wasn't! --- (display: "CultistAttic")

If you punch the window, you will get glass embedded in your hand. Also, the window is painted shut. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[You reach out to the bucket but the man stops you. "You don't want what's in here." Judging by the smell; he's right. ](if: $bystander2 is "Pants")["Wow. This is high end silk." "Yes and it's quite expensive so could you not put your grubby hands on it?" The ork shoves you aside and checks to make sure you didn't damage anything. ](if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[You reach out touch the orcish woman's dress, but stop when you notice her expression. She winks."Don't worry, I won't bite...where it'll show." You believe her. ] (display: "Thereturnkey")

On the ceiling is a metal hook. It probably held a lantern, before this closet was repurposed as a Jonas containment unit. --- (display: "Closet2standing")

Yeah, that's a door. --- (if: $inroom contains "Hook")[(display: "Closet2standing")](else:)[(display: "Destroyed closet")]

You cannot see much other than his greenish grey legs. His pants are torn and his toes are long and gnarled. Just at the top of the hole, you see his arms wedged alongside his body. He cannot reach anything but his pocket. --- (display: "Destroyed closet")

He looks slightly annoyed and very ugly. But who knows? Maybe for Orks he’s quite attractive. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

Looking out the window, you see a surprisingly clean street. Even weirder, you don't see anyone getting stabbed, robbed, or chased by thugs. What is this city coming to? --- (display: "CultistAttic")

(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[He has a pronounced underbite, grayish skin, and an implacable expression. His clothes are filthy and hard worn, and he has what you hope is dirt smeared all over his arms. ](if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[His suit is perfect: A silken vest, white shirtsleeves, and impeccable tie. Other than the fact that his face looks like a blind person sculpted it with their feet, he wouldn't be out of place on the cover of a magazine. ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[She wears a blue dress and holds a beaded handbag. The dress complements her...robust figure and broad shoulders. The neckline is low cut, and the split leg skirt goes much higher than most. She notices your eyes and raises her eyebrows. "If you look any harder, I might get embarrassed."] (display: "Thereturnkey")

You pick up the rope. (set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Rope")) ---- (display: "Closet2standing")

(if: (history:) contains "Look Through Hole")[](else:)[ [[Look Through Hole]] ](if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[](else:)[ [[Pick up Rope]] ] [[Open Door|Closetdoor]]

<h1>Destroyed Closet</h1> --- This closet isn't in very good shape. The ceiling has a huge hole in it. Plugging the hole is the bottom half of Gonk. His legs flail about. His grubby gnarled toes almost hit you in the head and his torn pant legs fling dust and dirt about has he struggles. { (set: $inroom to (a:)) (set: $inroom to (a: "Gonklegs", "Door")) (set: $where to "destroyedcloset")} [[Talk to Gonk|Talk to Gonklegs]] [[Look at Gonk|Look at Gonklegs]] (display: "DoStuff")

{ (set: $inroom to [] ) (set: $inroom to (array: "Bystander2")) (set: $where to "OutOttic") }(if: $met contains "street")[You are on the rich side of town. You might want to get out of here before someone arrests you for loitering. ](else:)[(if: $Winjump is true)[You stand up and brush the glass from your hair. That was very painful.]] Looking around you realize you are on the wrong side of the tracks. That is to say, you don't belong on rich side of town and you are on the rich part of town. You get some sideways glances from the hoity toity pedestrians. (if: $met contains "street")[(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[Watching you from across the street, is a burly young man with a pronounced overbite. He stands a foot taller than you, has a bucket in one hand, and stares at you like you just finished a bad performance of a complicated musical number and were expecting applause.] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[Watching you from across the street is an ork in a well fitting suit. He stands with a pencil tucked behind his ear and a box in his hands, staring at you as if you had turnips in your ears. ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[Watching you from across the street is an ork in a blue dress. She stands with a tube of green paint poised at her lips, staring at you like you had a duck sitting on your head.]](else:)[ (if: $bystander2 is "Half")[Watching you from across the street is a burly young man with a pronounced overbite. He stands a foot taller than you, has a bucket in one hand, and stares at you like you just finished a bad performance of a complicated musical number and were expecting applause.] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[Watching you from across the street is an ork in a well fitting suit. He stands with a pencil tucked behind his ear and a box in his hands staring at you like you had turnips in your ears. ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[Watching you from across the street is an ork in a blue dress. She stands with a tube of green paint poised at her lips, staring at you like you had a duck sitting on your head.] (if: $bystander2 is "Half")["Uh..." he says putting down the bucket.] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")["Uh..." he says putting down the box.] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")["Uh..." she says, lowering the paint from her lips.] (if: $Winjump is true)["Why did you jump out of that window? You're not a thief, are you?"] (else:)["Why did you bolt out of that door? You're not a thief, are you?"] ](set: $met to it + (array: "street"))(if: $talkedabout contains "Hideout")[ --- Well you have two Options: * Go back to the library and ask for another receipt or * Go to the secret hideout of Dark Lord, where he and his cultists will be performing ghastly rituals. Frankly you don't like either one. [[Go to Hideout|ToHide]] [[Go back to library|ToLib]] ] --- (display: "TalkBystander2")

The door is locked. ---- (display: "Closet2standing")

Peering through the hole, you can see two figures talking in front of a roaring fireplace. One is large and brutish, the other cloaked in a black robe. "He doesn't have it! He must have hidden it somewhere," says the black robed one. "Unless..." He turns to the brute. "Did he return it?" "How would I know?" responds the Brute, "You told me to wap him on the head and bring him here, not conduct an in depth interview about his life." "Damn it Gonk, you fool!" shrieks the berobed one. "If he returned it, we wouldn't have risk bringing him here. We could have just taken him to the sacrificial pit." "Well, then go check. I'll go ditch the body," responds the brutish one, you infer is named Gonk. [[You hope he's not talking about you|Look Through Hole2]]

"No!" The black robe blurts out. "If he didn't return it, we will need to interrogate him. I'll go check, You get my altar prepared for our sacrifice." "Ok, ok." "And make sure he doesn't escape the dungeon!" "You mean the pantry?" responds Gonk. "It's our dungeon. Not a pantry!" "Look," says Gonk putting his hands on his hips. "My Grandfather minioned under Dark Lord Uberforth himself. This isn't my first thingy-where-you-grab-a-bull-for-some-reason. If you want to be a real Dark Lord, you're going to have to invest in a real dungeon. Not just have me empty the pantry every time you want to lock someone up." "Silence!" screams black robe. "Who's the Dark Lord here?" Gonk sighs, "You are." "That's right!" with that the berobed man exits followed by Gonk. A moment later, you hear a door slam. A moment after that, you begin hearing a creaking sound as a loose floor board in the ceiling above you is stepped on. This creaking sound continues periodically. Gonk must be moving things around above you.(set: $GonkPace to 1) [[How do you get yourself into these messes?|Closet2standing]]

A pair of Charlie's underwear. This pink lacey undergarment with an elasticated waistband wouldn't cover much and unboutedly wouldn't cover enough.(set: $InvUsing to "Use Panties Table") ''Use Panties with what?''(if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Talk to Gonk about Panties|Use Panties on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Use Panties on Whiskey|Use Panties on Whiskey]]](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks") )[ [[Stick Coin shaped Rocks in Panties|Use Panties on Coin shaped Rocks]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Use Panties on Shoe|Use Panties on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Write name on Panties with Fountain Pen|Use Panties on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Stick Hammer in Panties|Use Panties on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Use Panties and Lipstick|Use Panties on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Stick blank Cheque in Panties|Use Panties on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Stick Panties in Angry Letter|Use Panties on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Panties|Use Panties on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Use Rope with Panties|Use Rope on Panties]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Try to suck moisture from Panties|Use No Water on Panties]]]

This very expensive whiskey was apparently not the brand that Sam ordered. It has a gold label with a clover emblem.(set: $InvUsing to "Use Whiskey Table") ''Use Whiskey with what?'' (if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Offer Whiskey to Gonk|Use Whiskey on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Use Panties on Whiskey|Use Panties on Whiskey]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Dunk Coin shaped Rocks in Whiskey.|Use Whiskey on Coin shaped Rocks]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Drink Whiskey from Shoe|Use Whiskey on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Fill Fountain Pen with Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Whiskey bottle with Hammer|Use Whiskey on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Make Lipstick marks on lip of Whiskey bottle.|Use Whiskey on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Get drunk and write Cheques your ass can't cash!|Use Whiskey on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Soak Angry Letter in Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Redeem coupon for Drunken sins|Use Whiskey on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Think of something to do with Rope and Whiskey|Use Rope on Whiskey]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Drink Whiskey|Use No Water on Whiskey]]]

Someone carved some rocks to resemble coins. You guess that they were trying to scam the wishing fountain. Although you don't know how someone can trick a pool of water.(set: $InvUsing to "Use Coin shaped Rocks Table") ''Use Coin shaped Rocks on what?'' (if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Peg Gonk in the Head with Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Gonkhead]]] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Stick Coin shaped Rocks in Panties|Use Panties on Coin shaped Rocks]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Dunk Coin shaped Rocks in Whiskey.|Use Whiskey on Coin shaped Rocks]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Put Rocks in Shoe|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Throw Coin shaped Rocks into Fountain Pen and make a wish!|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash rocks with Hammer|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Use Lipstick to make Coin shaped Rocks look more realistic|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Chequebook|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Use Coin shaped Rocks with Angry Letter|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Coupon|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Use Rope to make a sling for Coin shaped Rocks|Use Rope on Coin shaped Rocks]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Lick moisture from Coin shaped Rocks|Use No Water on Coin shaped Rocks]] ]

It's your left shoe. It fell off when you fell down the stairs. You aren't sure why you didn't just put it back on. (set: $InvUsing to "UseShoe Table")[[Put on shoe|Shoe 2]] ''Use Shoe on what?'' (if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Show Shoe to Gonk|Use Shoe on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Use Panties on Shoe|Use Panties on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Drink Whiskey from Shoe|Use Whiskey on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Put Rocks in Shoe|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Write name on Shoe with Fountain Pen|Use Shoe on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Shoe with Hammer|Use Shoe on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Make Lipstick marks on Shoe|Use Shoe on Lipstick]]](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Make Shoe print on Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Coupon]]](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Forge Cheque to buy new shoes|Use Shoe on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Replace laces in Shoe with Rope|Use Rope on Shoe]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Drink from Shoe|Use No Water on Shoe]] ]

This fountain pen is now empty. You got it for free, but still feel ripped off. (set: $InvUsing to "Use Fountain Pen Table") ''Use Fountain Pen with what?'' (if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Give Autograph to Gonk|Use Fountain Pen on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Write name on Panties with Fountain Pen|Use Panties on Fountain Pen]]] (if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Fill Fountain Pen with Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Throw Coin shaped Rocks into Fountain Pen and make a wish!|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Write name on Shoe with Fountain Pen|Use Shoe on Fountain Pen]]](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Fountain Pen with Hammer|Use Fountain Pen on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Forge another Cheque with Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Edit Angry Letter|Use Fountain Pen on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Use Fountain Pen to draw masterpiece of Richard Dawkins on Coupon|Use Fountain Pen on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Write name on Rope with Fountain Pen|Use Rope on Fountain Pen]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Drink from Fountain Pen|Use No Water on Fountain Pen]]]

If Markus had this hammer, he'd hammer in the morning, he'd hammer in the evening, he'd hammer your face in for stealing his hammer. (set: $InvUsing to "Use Hammer Table") ''Use Hammer with what?'' (if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Smash Gonk in the head|Use Hammer on Gonkhead]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Stick Hammer in Panties|Use Panties on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Smash Whiskey bottle with Hammer|Use Whiskey on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Smash rocks with Hammer|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Smash Shoe with Hammer|Use Shoe on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Smash Fountain Pen with Hammer|Use Fountain Pen on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Smash Lipstick with Hammer|Use Hammer on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Smash Chequebook with Hammer|Use Hammer on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Smash Angry Letter with Hammer|Use Hammer on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Smash Coupon|Use Hammer on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Hammer out knots on Rope.|Use Rope on Hammer]]](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Lick Hammer|Use No Water on Hammer]] ]

This tube of lipstick has "engorged passion red" in neat print on the side.(set: $InvUsing to "Use Lipstick Table") [[Look Closer|EyesLipstick]] ''Use Lipstick on what?''(if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Give Gonk a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Gonkhead]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Use Panties and Lipstick|Use Panties on Lipstick]]](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Make Lipstick marks on lip of Whiskey bottle.|Use Whiskey on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Use Lipstick to make Coin shaped Rocks look more realistic|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Make Lipstick marks on Shoe|Use Shoe on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Lipstick with Hammer|Use No Water on Hammer]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Use Lipstick to forge Cheque|Use Lipstick on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Make Lipstick marks on Angry Letter|Use Lipstick on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Give the Coupon a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Lipstick|Use Rope on Lipstick]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Lipstick]] ]

Judging by the size of the blank amount section Sam doesn't write small checks.(set: $InvUsing to "Use Chequebook Table") ''Use Chequebook on what?''(if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Bribe Gonk|Use Chequebook on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Stick blank Cheque in Panties|Use Panties on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Get drunk and write Cheques your ass can't cash!|Use Whiskey on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Chequebook|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Forge Cheque to buy new shoes|Use Shoe on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Chequebook with Hammer|Use Hammer on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Use Lipstick to forge Cheque|Use Lipstick on Chequebook]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Send Cheque with Angry letter|Use Chequebook on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Use Chequebook with Coupon|Use Chequebook on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Chequebook|Use Rope on Chequebook]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Chequebook]] ]

Wow. Sam really doesn't like getting his packages late. Sam's sloppy signature is at the bottom. (set: $InvUsing to "Use Angry Letter Table") Use Angry Letter with what?(if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Give Angry Letter to Gonk|Use Angry Letter on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Stick Panties in Angry Letter|Use Panties on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Sprinkle Whiskey on Angry Letter|Use Whiskey on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Use Coin shaped Rocks with Angry Letter|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Make Shoe print on Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Rewrite Angry Letter with Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Angry Letter with Hammer|Use Hammer on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Use Lipstick with Angry Letter|Use Lipstick on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Send Cheque with Angry letter|Use Chequebook on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coupon"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Angry Letter|Use Rope on Angry Letter]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Try to suck moisture from Angry Letter|Use No Water on Angry Letter]] ]

It says "Church of the Mighty Ronald. Absolutions: Buy one, get one free."(set: $InvUsing to "Use Coupon Table") [[Read small print|Coupon2]] ''Use Coupon on what?''(if: $inroom contains ("Gonkhead"))[ [[Give Coupon to Gonk|Use Coupon on Gonkhead]]] (if: $Inventory contains ("Panties"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Panties|Use Panties on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Whiskey"))[ [[Redeem coupon for Drunken sins|Use Whiskey on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Coin shaped Rocks"))[ [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Coupon|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Shoe"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Fountain Pen"))[ [[Use Fountain Pen to Draw master piece of Richard Dawkins on Coupon|Use Fountain Pen on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Hammer"))[ [[Smash Coupon|Use Hammer on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Lipstick"))[ [[Give the Coupon a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Chequebook"))[ [[Use Chequebook with Coupon|Use Chequebook on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Angry Letter"))[ [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("Rope"))[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Coupon|Use Rope on Coupon]] ](if: $Inventory contains ("No Water"))[ [[Use Coupon to slake thirst|Use No Water on Coupon]] ]

Whoever tied this rope didn't //earn// their boyscout badges. It's surface area is covered with the previous failed knots. (set: $InvUsing to "Use Rope Table") ''Use Rope on what?''(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[ [[Use Rope on Hook|Use Rope on Hook]]](if: $inroom contains "Door")[ [[Use Rope on Door|Use Rope on Door]]] (if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[ [[Use Rope on Gonk|Use Rope on Gonklegs]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonkhead")[ [[Show Rope to Gonk|Use Rope on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[ [[Use Rope with Panties|Use Rope on Panties]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Whiskey")[ [[Think of something to do with Rope and Whiskey|Use Rope on Whiskey]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Coin shaped Rocks")[ [[Use Rope to make a sling for Coin shaped Rocks|Use Rope on Coin shaped Rocks]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Shoe")[ [[Replace laces in Shoe with Rope|Use Rope on Shoe]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Fountain Pen")[ [[Write name on Rope with Fountain Pen|Use Rope on Fountain Pen]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Hammer")[ [[Hammer out knots on Rope.|Use Rope on Hammer]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Lipstick")[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Lipstick|Use Rope on Lipstick]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Chequebook")[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Chequebook|Use Rope on Chequebook]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Angry Letter")[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Angry Letter|Use Rope on Angry Letter]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Coupon")[ [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Coupon|Use Rope on Coupon]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "No Water")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Rope|Use No Water on Rope]] ]

You can't remember the last time you had a nonalcoholic drink. ''Use No Water on what?''(set: $InvUsing to "Use No Water Table")(if: $inroom contains "Hook")[ [[Use No Water on Hook]] ](if: $inroom contains "Door")[ [[Use No Water on Door]] ] (if: $inroom contains "Gonklegs")[ [[Use Lack of Water on Gonk|Use No Water on Gonklegs]]](if: $inroom contains "Gonkhead")[ [[Use Lack of Water on Gonk|Use No Water on Gonkhead]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Panties|Use No Water on Panties]] ](if: $Inventory contains "Whiskey")[ [[Drink Whiskey|Use No Water on Whiskey]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Coin shaped Rocks")[ [[Lick moisture from Coin shaped Rocks|Use No Water on Coin shaped Rocks]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Shoe")[ [[Drink from Shoe|Use No Water on Shoe]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Fountain Pen")[ [[Drink from Fountain Pen|Use No Water on Fountain Pen]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Hammer")[ [[Hit yourself with hammer until you don't feel thirsty anymore.|Use No Water on Hammer]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Lipstick")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Lipstick]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Chequebook")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Chequebook|Use No Water on Chequebook]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Angry Letter")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Angry Letter|Use No Water on Angry Letter]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Coupon")[ [[Use Coupon to slake thirst|Use No Water on Coupon]] ] (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[ [[Try to suck moisture from Rope|Use No Water on Rope]] ]

"Hey Gonk! Got any bottled water?" "What? No!"(display: $InvUsing)

Even is they were freshly laundered; No.(display: $InvUsing)

Getting drunk right now would be a terrible idea.(display: $InvUsing)

These stones were soaking in water not fit for human consumtion.(display: $InvUsing)

Ew. Why would you even consider that?(display: $InvUsing)

Fountain <b><u>Pen</u></b>(display: $InvUsing)

The sudden desire to pummeling yourself into unconsciousness could be a sign of dehydration.(display: $InvUsing)

You heard a rumor that the average woman swallows six pounds of lipstick during her lifetime, but you assume that is done unintentionaly. Generally, it isn't a good idea to intentionally do what others only do by accident.(display: $InvUsing)

You really shouldn’t forge anymore cheques. Especially to buy a drink.(display: $InvUsing)

Even if Sam was spitting mad while writing this, you wouldn't want to drink Sam's spit.(display: $InvUsing)

Well, I guess you could fold it into a drinking cup and- No!-No! That's a stupid idea!(display: $InvUsing)

That's a great idea! Suck moisture from a mankey old rope! That was sarcasm.(display: $InvUsing)

(unless: $talkedabout contains "Gonkkey")["Hey Gonk! You are terrible at tying ropes!" "You're terrible at insulting people" He's got you there. (display: "Thereturnkey")](else:)["Hey Gonk." You call out. "Did you know that I have unfettered access to your groin and a piece of knotted up rope?" Gonk stops kicking. "what." "How about you pass me that key and I don't go all Mexican kid with a piñata on your breadbasket." "Uh...Go ahead" Gonk says lazily swinging his legs. "...I don't have any genitalia." [[What?!?|Gonkballs1]]]

"Hey Gonk. You are terrible at tying ropes." "You're terrible at insulting people" He's got you there.(set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

You aren't into the kinky stuff.(display: $InvUsing)

You could wrap the bottle in the rope to conceal it while you drink in public. Except, Goldenport has no public drinking laws, and you aren't a big drinker.(display: $InvUsing)

That would make a terrible sling.(display: $InvUsing)

The Rope is too thick to use as laces.(display: $InvUsing)

If there were ink left, you could write your name on this rope. Then it really would be your rope. But alas you must remain only the technical owner of a rope.(display: $InvUsing)

Sometimes, your dad would untie hard knots by hitting them with a hammer. You briefly try, and hit your thumb.(display: $InvUsing)

Anylist of objects that include Lipstick and Rope, isn't a list you don't want to see.(display: $InvUsing)

Rope, Tight Rope, Balancing on a tight rope, Balancing a chequebook! Oh my GOD! it's all connected. Wait. No. That's stupid.(display: $InvUsing)

Sam might beat //you// with a piece of rope if you don't deliver this.(display: $InvUsing)

Most religions tie people down to get them to confess. The Church of the Mighty Ronald just offers Forgiveness for a Fee.(display: $InvUsing)

You pull out the Panties. "You don't need to brag!" Gonk spits. "What?" You say confused. "Look I've heard that you're boinking the bartender at //The Royal Riches//. You don't need to go around showing trophies of your conquests to everyone." "I-" You stammer. "I'm not //boinking// Charlie!" "I've been following you for a while." Gonk says with a knowing look. "You keep going in and out of her room." "She's a friend! She lets me sleep in her room." "Sure" Gonk winks. "I'm not sleeping with her. I'm sleeping...__adjacent__ to her." "Oh! 'jacent. Is that what you kids are calling it these days?" You give up on trying to convince him.(display: $InvUsing)

Booze and loose women are pollutants of the soul. Well you don't drink, and the woman is so loose she escaped her undergarments. Maybe we'll call it a draw.(display: $InvUsing)

This would be more fun if these rocks were shaped like dollar bills and the panties were in use. You try it anyway. (display: $InvUsing)

You don't have any kind of foot fetish.(display: $InvUsing)

If you write your name on them, then people will think they are your's.(display: $InvUsing)

Markus has been trying to months to get his hammer in Charlie's Panties, But not like //that//.(display: $InvUsing)

These are both Charlie's. But you don't think she'd like them mixed up together.(display: $InvUsing)

Using a blank cheque to tip a stripper would give the universe card blanc to make your life hell. ...Not that Charlie is a stripper!(display: $InvUsing)

That might send mixed messeges.(display: $InvUsing)

It would be incredibly cheap/self-righteous to stick a Coupon to a Church in a woman's underwear.(display: $InvUsing)

"You want a drink Gonk?" "Nah! I never touch the stuff." Gonk says. "You never know when you're gonna have to kidnap a princess or steal a holy relic."(set: $GonkLike to it +1)(display: $InvUsing)

Really? Just to make a bad pun? [[What pun?|WhiskeyRocks]](display: $InvUsing)

You've heard of people drinking from footwear. Generally it's champagne from lady's slippers. Not 320 proof Whiskey from an old tennis shoe.(display: $InvUsing)

Even if you knew how to refill this pen, it would probably just misspell everything.(display: $InvUsing)

Getting smashed means something else.(display: $InvUsing)

That //would// be good way of preventing strangers from drinking from it. But it would also encourage random perverts to lick it. So, no.(display: $InvUsing)

You can do that without getting drunk.(display: $InvUsing)

Maybe if you sprinkle some whiskey on this letter, it would offer an explanation for why it's so hateful. But then again, you don't want to be arrested for mail tampering.(display: $InvUsing)

This coupon isn't redeemable for debauchery.(display: $InvUsing)

You plink a couple rocks off of Gonk's face. "Don't you have something better to do?"(set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

Do people //try// to put rocks in their shoe?(display: $InvUsing)

Fountain <u>Pen</u>. Also, wishes aren't real.(display: $InvUsing)

Oh boy! Manual labor that is associated with prison time! It must be your birthday!(display: $InvUsing)

You don't know of any coin that is "engorged passion red"(display: $InvUsing)

Fake coins and Conceptual money. Together for the first time!(display: $InvUsing)

You don't know if tying this letter to a rock and delivering it through a window could make it more hateful.(display: $InvUsing)

Forged coins and Coupons; both are fake money. One has actual value. After all, rocks work as ballast.(display: $InvUsing)

You really want to ruin expensive whiskey just so you can say, "Scotch on the Rocks"? It isn't even Scotch!(display: $InvUsing)

You slip the shoe back on. After taking one-step, you yelp out. Pulling from the sole of the shoe is a tack with a piece of paper stuck to it. This must have been the reason you fell down the stairs. You crumple up the tack into the paper and throw them both away. ---- {(set: $Inventory to it - (array: "Shoe"))(set: $InvUsing to "No More Shoes")}(display: "Inventory03") (display: "Thereturnkey")

You hold your shoe up for Gonk to see. He looks from you hand to your foot and back. "Why are you carrying your shoe around?" Without an adiquiete responce, you put your shoe away.(display: $InvUsing)

That way people will know it's your's. Then again the cops might find it and use the scent to track you down.(display: $InvUsing)

I guess that would be preferable to smashing your toes. Then again...why?(display: $InvUsing)

Defacing this letter won't make it less hateful.(display: $InvUsing)

I haven't fixed this. Mostly because I cannot think of something funny to do with a shoe and a coupon Any ideas? (display: "Thereturnkey")

No one would believe that people kiss your feet.(display: $InvUsing)

You're in this mess because Sam bought you new shoes. You don't want to see how it would get worse if you steal from him for more.(display: $InvUsing)

"Hey Gonk! Want me to sign your face?" "Hey Jonas! Want me to pull out your intestenes?" "No."(set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

Getting ripped off is no reason to resort to violence.(display: $InvUsing)

Even if you knew how to refill it, The lipstick is too thick to be useful.(display: $InvUsing)

You should limit the amount of felonies you commit per day. Also, the pen is empty.(display: $InvUsing)

You don't have the skills to make this letter less hate filled.(display: $InvUsing)

0. That is considered Blasphemy. 0. You don't know how to draw. 0. You don't know how to draw Richard Dawkins. 0. No one would recognize who he is. 0. You suspect it would render the coupon irredeemable. (display: $InvUsing)

[[Use Shoe on Coupon]]

You hit Gonk squarely in the forehead with all your weight. Unmoved Gonk says "Are you done? Get that out of your system?" Supremely worried, you put the hammer away. (set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

Passion is one thing, but this is ridicules.(display: $InvUsing)

That's not the way to break the bank.(display: $InvUsing)

It's true: anger begets anger.(display: $InvUsing)

Wraith is one of the seven deadly sins and unfortunately, this coupon wouldn't be useful for that.(display: $InvUsing)

On the bottom is an emblem with a pair of lips. Either this is a comment on the intelligence of their customers or it has a meaning that Jonas doesn't know.(display: $InvUsing)

You move to apply lipstick to Gonk. "Hey kid! I don't know what you heard but I ain't that kind of Ork!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah" Gonk says squarely. "I'm the bite your fingers off kind!" You deside against digit loss.(set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

You doubt anyone would believe that Sam Ravenoir signs his cheques with cheap lipstick.(display: $InvUsing)

Ending this hatefilled letter with a kiss would send mixed messages.(display: $InvUsing)

The colors would clash. Also that would be considered blasphemy and unfortunately you suspect it would render the coupon irredeemable.(display: $InvUsing)

"Hey Gonk! How about I write a number on here with //sooooo// big that you forget about this whole try to kill me thing?" "Hey KID! I'm a professtional. I have standards! There are lines you don't cross and accepting bribes is one of them." Gonk says indignetly. "Also I know you're poor. You don't have enough to bribe anyone." "It's not my money. It's Sam Ravenoir's" "Holy Crap kid! I may be working for The Dark Lord of an apocolypse cult but I'm not stupid enough to except money from Sam Ravenoir!" You get a sinking feeling in your chest.(display: $InvUsing)

Sending a hatefilled letter with a cheques is a great way to send mixed messages or the worst birthday card ever.(display: $InvUsing)

I doubt that the Church of the Mighty Ronald would accept cheques from you.(display: $InvUsing)

"What do I look like? A mailbox?"(set: $GonkLike to it -1)(display: $InvUsing)

That would just be adding insult to...further insult.(display: $InvUsing)

It says: //Buy one blasphemy absolution get one adultery for free. Only available at participating temples. Not applicable with adultery of up to 4 partners or more.// They must be having trouble moving the surplus blasphemy absolutions.(display: $InvUsing)

"No thanks kid. At my age, I'm lucky if I can even muster the energy to commit adultery."(display: $InvUsing)

Yeah(if:$met contains "Carl")[It super does]

Fix This.<style> tw-passage { @import url(https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Lato); width: 627px; min-width: 26em; height: 766px; min-height: 33%; font-family: 'Lato', sans-serif; font-size:small; letter-spacing: 0.1em; background-color:#000; color:#eee; margin: 1%; border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.5em; padding: 5px 5px 5px 5px;} </style>

There isn't enough condensation to drink off of that hook.(display: $InvUsing)

You doubt that door would lead to a refrigerator.(display: $InvUsing)

"Hey Gonk! Got any bottled water?" "What? No!"(display: $InvUsing)

(if: $GonkPace is 0)[You lasso the Rope on the Hook. Yay! You marvel at your handiwork. If you hadn't come around and found this rope, this rope wouldn't be wrapped around this random hook in a closet. Well, that's enough of that. You take the rope back (display: $InvUsing)] (else:)[You sling your Rope over the hook on the ceiling. Waiting until you hear Gonk step on the loose floorboard, you jump with all your weight onto the rope. The combined weight of you and the massive Gonk, causes a mighty crack. [[Uh oh|toDCloset]]]

You smack the door with the rope. It makes a "Whomp" noise.(display: $InvUsing)

For a brief moment your vision is filled falling debris. You are starting to think that collapsing the roof above you was a bad idea. [[No kidding|Destroyed closetintro]]

For a brief moment as the broken floorboards fall on your head, your vision is filled with swinging feet. As the dust clears, you regain your senses [[Ouch|Destroyed closet]]

(unless: $talkedabout contains "Gonkkey")["Hey Gonk!" "Hey!" Gonk cries angrily "What are you doing?" "It's me! Jonas Mallory. The guy you whapped on the head and threw in this closet?" "I know it's //you.// Who else would it be?" "I was just wondering if you could get me out of here?" "When I get out of here I'm going to pulling your arms out through your nose!" "That seems excessive. Come on man, be a sport and let me out." "Even if I were inclined to help release my prisoner for no reason, I am trapped in this rather INCONVENIENT HOLE IN THE FLOOR!" "It's really more like a hole in the ceiling." "ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO ARGUE SEMANTICS WITH ME?" "You're trapped in the ceiling; I'm trapped in a closet. We don't really have anything better to do. And since I made the hole, I should be able to decide what to call it." "When I get out of this hole I'm going to bash your face into a meat grinder!" "Unless there is a meat grinder very cleverly hidden in here you're going to have to postpone your threats. If you wiggle free you'll be just as locked in this closet as me." "I have the key you moron! Even if I didn't, I would just make a new door with your head!" "Um... could you pass me that key?" (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Gonkkey")) "NO!" ](else:)[ "Are you sure I can't have that key?" "There isn't anything you could say to make me give you this key"] (display: "Thereturnkey")

---- {(if: $where contains "badcloset")[ [[Back|Closet2standing]] ] (if: $where contains "destroyedcloset")[ [[Back|Destroyed closet]] ] (if: $where contains "Attic")[ [[Back|CultistAttic]] ] (if: $where contains "OutOttic")[ [[Back|OutsidetheHouse]] ] (if: $where contains "Sapphire street")[ [[Back|Sapphire Street]] ]}

{ (set: $inroom to (a:)) (set: $inroom to(array:"Gonkhead", "Altar", "Window")) (set: $where to "Attic") }<h1>The Attic</h1> --- The attic is quite a bit fancier than any house in which Jonas has ever lived, or at least it was before Jonas broke a hole in the floor and stuffed an Angry orc in it.(if: $met contains "Gonk")[](else:)[ “Hi Gonk” Gonk stares at you from his vantage point near the floor. He sighs ”Hi Jonas.” ](set: $met to it + (array: "Gonk"))Looking around the attic you see a bulletin board covered in papers and string like a conspiracy theorists’ wet dream. In one corner is a altar with black candles. Across the room is a small table under a window.(if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[](else:)[ On the table is a pile of garbage.] ---- (if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[* [[Leave through Window|Out Window]] * [[Leave through Door|Out Door]] ] [[Look at Bulletin board]](if: (history:) contains "Look at table")[ ](else:)[ [[Look at table]] ][[Look at Altar]] [[Talk to Gonk|TalkGonkhead]] (display: "DoStuff")

"You don't have genitals?" you say disbelievingly. "Nope," Gonk continues, "We Orks are a-uh what do you call it? Plants." "Plants have genitals," you state simply. "What?" "Flowers are a plant's genitals." "Gross," Gonk pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts "No the other things. You know, they're in caves and on pizzas." "Mushrooms?" "Yeah!" You cross your arms, not that Gonk can see you. "You're saying you're a fungus?" "Yes, we reproduce with spores. Therefore, no genitals." You stop to think about this for a moment. "I don't believe you." "Why not?" * [[I've seen Half-Orks.|Half-Ork]] * [[I've seen Ork women.|Fem-Ork]] * [[Why do you wear pants?|Pants-Ork]]

"I've seen half-orks running around, therefore orks can crossbreed with humans, therefore Orks have genitals." "No. You've seen ugly humans and given them the racist moniker of Half-Ork."(set: $bystander2 to "Half") [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

"I've seen Ork women. Therefore you have males and females, therefore you have genitals." "No you've seen Orks with qualities you label as feminine because of your patriarchal obsession with anti-asexuality." "That's an awful lot of multisyllabic words." "Well that's just straight up racist."(set: $bystander2 to "Woman") [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

"Why would you wear pants unless you had something to cover up?" "You humans get agitated by the sight of genital free abdomens, because of your obsession with racial homogeny." "That's an awful lot of multisyllabic words." "Well that's just straight up racist."(set: $bystander2 to "Pants") [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

You tap your foot for a moment. "I think you're lying." "Am not!" "I think you just don't want me to hit you in the testes with a rope." "If you hit me it will do nothing but make me angry!" "You're already going to shove my face into a meat grinder. I'm kinda maxed out on threats." You ready the rope in one hand. "Ok either you have no genitals and this is just going to make my future death slightly more painful, or you do have genitals and //you're// going to be in a lot of pain." "Nope! I got no genitals!" Gonk crosses his legs. You walk around to the unblocked side of Gonk's groin. "I'm doing the courtesy of warning you that the hook that was in this room is embedded in this rope. So this knotted rope is tipped with a metal hook." "WAIT!" You pause for a moment. Gonk shuffles around for a moment and drops a key onto the floor. "There! This job ain't worth that!" You pick up the key. "Thanks Gonk. I didn't want to have to break your family jewels. Do you have any idea where you put my stuff when you attacked me?" "Yeah yeah. It's all up here in the attic. Take a right and in the library pull on the red book on the third bookcase to the left. You can't miss it." You use the key to open the door and you're off. [[To The Attic!]]

The house is quite a bit fancier than any house in which Jonas has ever lived. It reeks of old money and expensive cigars. If Jonas didn’t know its owner was a Dark Lord who tried to kill him over a library book, he would stick around and see if there is any good food in the kitchen. Mindful of the impending doom he makes his way to the hidden door. [[To the Attic!|Cultist Attic1]]

(display: "CultistAttic")

“Holding your hands across your head you leap through the closed window. Glass shatters as you barrel through the air. (set: $Winjump to true) You suddenly realize this was a terrible idea. Luckily, your sleeve catches on the little balcony outside the window. This swings you around and you hit your head on the balcony’s railing. Your sleeve unhooks from the balcony and you tumble towards the ground. Just as your body twists towards the sky, you notice that the little balcony has a small ladder leading to the street. You wish you had notice that before you jumped out the window. As you notice that, your pant leg catches the corner of a carriage parked in front of the home. You smack your head on the carriage door and fall to the ground. [[Ow.|OutsidetheHouse]]

You rush out the door. {(set: $Winjump to false) (display: "OutsidetheHouse")}

It looks like there was a sale at the creepy crap store. There are skulls that you hope are either from large monkeys or from plastic molds, the melted stubs of black wax candles, and puddles of congealed reddish residue that you'd rather not know about on every square inch of this roughly carved stone altar. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

[[Greet|Greet Gonk]](unless: (history:) contains "Hero2" + "Dark Lord?")[ [[Ask Gonk why he hit you]] ] [[Ask Gonk about Altar]] [[Ask Gonk About Bulletin Board]] --- (display: "CultistAttic")

You don’t want to know what sort of madness would drive someone to play cat’s cradle with a map of the city and a scrapbook of architecture pictures. You recognize a drawing of The Ravenoir Manor stapled to what looks like a floor plan, A picture of the Library, a series of drawings of squid-spiders(Squiders?), and… Moving one of the Squiders, you find a picture of yourself. Out of all the pictures on this board, your picture has the most strings leading to and coming from it...Maybe you should get out of here. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

It’s just a bunch of garbage... Wait, that’s your stuff! You acquire: A pair of pink panties, A bottle of whiskey, A handful of coin shaped rocks, Your right shoe, An empty fountain pen, A hammer, A tube of lipstick, Sam Ravenoir’s chequebook, A coupon for Sin absolutions An angry letter from Sam,{(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Panties", "Whiskey", "Coin shaped Rocks", "Shoe", "Fountain Pen", "Hammer", "Lipstick", "Chequebook", "Coupon", "Angry Letter"))} [[Wait a minute…|Ask about receipt]]

You turn to Gonk “Is this all my stuff?” Gonk shrugs “Well I threw away some pamphlet with woodcuts of drunk people” “What about the receipt? From the library?” “I can’t read, but there was something with the library sigil on it. It should be in with the rest of you junk.” You bark exasperatedly “Well it’s not here!” “Hey calm down it’s just paper.” You start to hyperventilate “I need that receipt or Sam Ravenoir will __kill me!__” "Well the Master might have taken it. He was headed to the library to check out that book you had. Maybe he needed the receipt?” “Great just great.” You rub your eyes. “Now I got to go back to that hellhole!” “Hey!” Gonk screams offended “Language!” (display: "Thereturnkey")

"Hi Gonk!" You wave. Gonk sighs. "Hi Jonas." (display: "TalkGonkhead")

"What's with the failed scrapbook?" You gesture to the bulletin board. "Oh, that's where the master figures everything out. He makes connections that no one else would. That's how he was able to find the book." "What's with the weird spider thingys?" "I think they're supposed to be squids," Gonk furrows his brow, "He ain't the best at drawing." ---- (display: "TalkGonkhead")

“Why did you knock me out and throw me into that closet?” Gonk stammers for a moment “Uh, ‘Cuz the boss wanted you brought here.” “Well, you could have just asked me to come." You rub your head exasperatedly. "No need to get violent.” Gonk gives you a patronizing glance. “Look kid, I know you are new to the game. But my family has been in the minioning biz for over seven generations. And when a “Dark Lord” orders you to bring him a Hero, you better knock that muzda out." He tries to shrug."It’s basic procedure.” ---- (display: "DarkLordHero")

(unless: $talkedabout contains "Hero")[ [[Hero?]] ](else:)[] (unless: $talkedabout contains "Dark Lord")[ [[Dark Lord?]] ](else:)[] [[Back|TalkGonkhead]]

"Why did you wiggle like you were making air quotes when you said 'Dark Lord'"? Gonk groans. “Ok kid, I’m gonna let you in on a secret. This 'Dark Lord' is kinda...bad.” You roll your eyes. “Really. The 'Dark Lord' is a bad guy. You don’t say.” “No, no. I mean he’s not very good at being a Dark Lord. I mean just because some guy has delusions of grandeur and a fancy black cloak, he thinks he can command his own apocalypse cult. This new guy just doesn’t have what it takes.” You let out a relieved sigh “Good, I prefer to tangle with losers.” Gonk shakes his head, “He’s no loser. He’s got the know-how. He figured out where the necrotelecomnicon was //and// he almost got it. He could definitely could make the sky rain fire //and// kill the crap out of a Hero like you. His problem is he doesn’t have any vision. He doesn’t have the kind of madness needed to be a Dark Lord. He’s just...an asshole.”(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Dark Lord")) (display: "DarkLordHero")

“Did you call me a Hero?” “Yeah, //you’re// the Hero.” “I’m not a //Hero//.” “Yeah you are.” “No I’m //not//.” “Yeah, you are.” [[No! I AM NOT!|Hero2]]

“Hey, you stand alone against a powerful villain...That means you are a hero.” “Hey, Hey.” You wave your hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I’m not standing against anything. I’m just trying to keep my head down and not die.” “Well if you’re not trying to get killed. You really shouldn’t go around pissing off 'Dark Lords'.”(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Hero")) (display: "DarkLordHero")

"What's with the creepy altar thing?" "That's the master's altar. He makes sacrifices there when he doesn't have time to go to the inner sanctum," Gonk thinks for a moment, "I guess it's a form of telecommuting." ---- (display: "TalkGonkhead")

Oh you're feeling brave? That wasn't sarcasm. [[Thanks.|Outhideout]]

Oh you're feeling brave? That was sarcasm. [[Thanks.|ToLib2]]

The North GoldenPort Royal Library. Its cold stone walls are no more comfort than they were hours ago. And neither is the librarian. After several minutes of begging, you not only don't have a fresh copy of your receipt, but you are also banned for life. You hope someone else will pay your fines for you. Nothing left to do but... [[Sigh|Outhideout]]

Dusk begins to set in as you make your way to Sapphire Street. Sapphire Street is the shortest street that goes directly from the docks to the city gates, so it’s always in use by those looking to slip out of town or out to sea without being noticed. After walking around for what seems like hours, you find the Softer Beard, nestled in between a rat trap store and a low rent butcher shop. Noticing a small alley leading around behind the bar, you squeeze through and come to a forgotten back alley. Well, not completely forgotten. On a nondescript warehouse is a single door. On the door is, if you had a better vocabulary you would know as a Judas Window but because you don't, you think of as a 'Old timey peephole.' Taking a chance, you knock on the door. Through the Judas Window, you see a shadow peer through. "What's the password?" (display: "PasswordOptions")

{(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[ [[Look at...man?|Use Eyes on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[ [[Look at well dressed ork|Use Eyes on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[ [[Look at orcish woman|Use Eyes on Bystander2]] ] } {(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[ [[Talk to...man?|Use Mouth on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[ [[Talk to well dressed ork|Use Mouth on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[ [[Talk to orcish woman|Use Mouth on Bystander2]] ] } {(if: $bystander2 is "Half")[ [[Take bucket from...man?|Use Hands on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[ [[Feel the fabric of the dressed ork's suit|Use Hands on Bystander2]] ] (if: $bystander2 is "Woman")[ [[Touch orcish woman|Use Hands on Bystander2]] ] }

Fix This.

“Um, forgive me if this offends you but uh...are you half ork?” "No. I'm just holding this persecuted position in society for my health,” He responds. “Sorry. It’s just that someone told me their were no Half-Orks. Only ugly humans that-” “Now you’re calling me ugly! You sure have a way with words. I’m so glad that you hold a higher position on the urban class structure for the simple fact that your daddy never got all hot and bothered by a buxom orcish lass! I’m //so// glad you get to spend your time(if: $Winjump is true)[ JUMPING OUT OF WINDOWS ]and running ALL around in the rich side of town. While I’m stuck lugging around buckets of tSerkt!” “I-I’m sorry.” “Well...you should be,” He calms down "Sorry, I'm a passionate man. I get it from my father." "Well orks //are// a passionate people." He stares at you. "My mother was orcish. My father was human." "Uh..." You stammer sheepishly. "Sorry, uh...again." (display: "Thereturnkey")

"What are you doing here?" (if: $bystander2 is "Half")["I’m a dunnakin diver," He says gesturing to the stains on his clothes. "I just finished mucking out the honey bucket of some posh knob, too cheap to get on the mains." You consider asking what those words mean, but the smell wafting off of him convinces you not too. ](if: $bystander2 is "Pants")[“I just finished mending a suit for Mr Vestamir over here,” He gestures to the building behind him. “But he wanted me to send a //human// delivery boy. When //I// came to the door, his butler sent me away. So I’m going to stand out here until he realizes that I’m not going to give him the suit through some pink-skinned middleman...No offense.” “None taken. Do you really think you can wait him out?” “Definitely.” He smiles. “He’ll eventually realize he left his mistress’ letters in the pocket. Then he’ll be begging for me to give back his suit before his wife returns and asks why I’m standing on her doorstep.”] (display: "Thereturnkey")

"I heard a rumor that Ork's only wore pants to cover their lack of genitals." "Whoever told you that is a moron. If that were true I would save a fortune on undergarments." (display: "Thereturnkey")

(if: (history:) contains "Aren`t Farthings small?")[](else:)[ [[Aren`t Farthings small?]] ] (if: (history:) contains "Fun?")[] (else:)[ [[Fun?]] ] (if: (history:) contains "Aren`t Farthings small?" and (history:) contains "Fun?")[(display: "Thereturnkey")] (else:)[]

"I heard a rumor that there were no ork women," You say sheepishly. "That's a strange pick up line," she replies. "No!" You stammer. "I just meant: they said that orks didn't have sexes and I was curious if that was in anyway true." "No you see," She continues smiling. "You should say, 'I heard that Ork women don't have sex. How about you and I go somewhere comfortable, and you repeatedly proove me wrong.' That would a better pick up line. Although it's a bit of a mouthful." She raises her eyebrows "Then again, I am partial to a good mouthful." You stammer and take a step backwards. (display: "Thereturnkey")

What are you doing here? “I had a date with a Farthing boy just down the way. But when his parents saw me, it was all ‘Cut you out of the will’ and ‘Be gone foul beast!’ So I’m suddenly free tonight.” Her voice suddenly turns sultry. “You doing anything...//fun//?” (display: "OrkLadyFun")

[[Choose your fate|DarkLordHero]]

(if: $bystander2 is "Woman")["Have you seen any guys wearing dark hoods?" "Yeah, people tend to wear them when the weather gets chilly." She says matter-of-factly. “I mean //recently//.” "Well a couple of guys in dark hoods were going into that house you just came (if: $Winjump is true)[//flying//](else:)[bolting] out of, but then another guy in a black hood came running up to them, said something, and they all left together. Is that what you mean?” "Did they you overhear what they said?" "What do you think I’m some sort of snoop?!" "I was //hoping// you were." you say sheepishly. "Then you are in luck!" She says with a bright smile. "They said 'The master has it! We’re meeting up behind the Softer Beard'." "Where’s that?" "It’s a Dwarven Bar on Sapphire Street." "Did you see if one of them was carrying a receipt?" "Yes, because I have the miraculous ability to see into people's pockets and identify receipts from several yards away." She says. "That was something we orcish individuals call //Sarcasm.//" ](else:)["Have you seen any guys wearing dark hoods?" "Yeah, people tend to wear them when the weather gets chilly." He says matter-of-factly. “I mean //recently//.” "Well a couple of guys in dark hoods were going into that house you just came (if: $Winjump is true)[//flying//](else:)[bolting] out of, but then another guy in a black hood came running up to them, said something, and they all left together. Is that what you mean?” "Did they you overhear what they said?" "What do you think I’m some sort of snoop?!" "I was //hoping// you were." you say sheepishly. "Then you are in luck!" He says with a smirk. "They said 'The master has it! We’re meeting up behind the Softer Beard'." "Where’s that?" "It’s a Dwarven Bar on Sapphire Street." "Did you see if one of them was carrying a receipt?" "Yes, because I have the miraculous ability to see into people's pockets and identify receipts from several yards away." He says. "That was something we orcish individuals call //Sarcasm.//" ](set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Hideout")) (display: "Thereturnkey")

"Aren`t Farthings small?" The mental image of an Orcish woman on a date with a Farthing man is hard to wrap your head around. "I mean...uh the size difference." "Yes, but they have very nimble fingers," She smiles. "But I could be persuaded to take a more full sized friend if you have any //fun// ideas."(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Farthings")) (display: "OrkLadyFun")

"Uh...Fun?" (if: $Winjump is true)[ "Yeah, you prefer to exit a building through the window. You must be absolutely //wild//. Just a pent up ball of passion ready to burst. Trust me, I can match you step for step." ] You’ve heard rumors about ork mating practices and you bruise easily. Besides, if you don’t find the receipt soon, then Sam Ravenoir will do much more than bruise you. “Sorry. I’m uh...busy.” “Maybe next time,” She gives you a wink.(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "OrkMate")) (display: "OrkLadyFun")

---- [[Swordfish]] [[It’s a cold day out for pontooning|Codeword]] [[Please?|Magic Word]] [[The password is Password|Password]] [[It’s a secret handshake|Handshake]]

"Swordfish" "Swordfish?" says the voice behind the door. "Swordfish." "Not...Marlin?" "Uh..." You hesitate. "It //could// be Marlin." "Well is it Marlin or Swordfish?" "Marlin." "Nope." "Swordfish?" "Nope" He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

Using your best cold war espionage voice, you lean in close to the door. "It's a cold day out for pontooning." "No it's not. Pontooning is a sport for the hardy fellow. The cold shouldn't bother you if you are a real pontoonsmen." "Uh..." "Sorry, My dad used to own a pontoon shop. So I'm kinda uptight about that." "That was supposed to be the password." "Oh...no it's not." He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"Please?" "Thomas? Is that you?" He obviously can't see through the hole very well. "I told you last week you need to remember the Password. The Master said that if I let you in without it one more time, he'll roast my figgin on a spike." "Uh...Please?" "Come back when you remember the password, Thomas." He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"The Password is...Password." "You moron! That was last week's password!" He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"That's a trick question. The Password is a secret handshake." "Hmm," He deliberates a moment. "I hadn't heard we were switching to the handshake." "Just talked to Gonk. He says it's the handshake for now, until we get everything in order." "Well... Gonk's always had a good head for minioning. Hold on." He closes the Judas Window. After noisily unlatching many locks, he opens the door. Standing in a dark robe, he looks you up and down. "Where's your robe?" "Uh..I got mustard on it." "The Master will not like seeing you outside of your robe." "//I'll// worry about that," you start to make your way to the door. "Wait, the handshake," He barks. "Oh right," [[Raise your hand|Handshake2]]

You raise your hand. He raises his expectantly. [[Stick Hand in pocket|Handshake3]]

You stick your hand in your pocket. He does the same. [[Bow|Handshake4]]

You lean forward. He leans forward. [[Use Hammer with Doorman|Handshake5]]

You grab the Hammer and give the Door Watching cultist a ''Whack'' on the head. He crumples to the ground. "Sorry," you say sheepishly. Stepping over his hopefully //unconscious// body, you enter the door. Just through the door, is a musty corridor. Dark and unkempt, it leads to a basement door. Mustering all of your courage, you open the door and continue. [[Here goes nothing|CultBasementCorridor]]

This corridor only gets mustier as it descends. You can hear in the distance a low eerie chanting. Turning down the last little twist you enter a large sub-basement lit by Black Candles. Weight bearing posts hold up rotted beams and a forgotten cob-webbed filled elevator shaft is tucked into the corner. Someone welded several swords in the shape of a spider, and hung them on the wall. Seven people in black robes stand in a circle chanting. In the center, eldritch sigils of multi-legged creatures disemboweling each other, have been carved. [[...Gross|StartledCult1]]

On a nondescript warehouse with a single door. On the door is, if you had a better vocabulary you would know as a Judas Window but because you don't you think of as a 'Old timey peephole.' Taking a chance you knock on the door. Through the Judas Window you see a shadow peer through. "What's the password?" (display: "PasswordOptions")

One of the black robes is standing in front of an altar with //The Book// resting in front of him. He holds a dagger in one hand and is chanting at a faster pace. He stops chanting and points at you. “You!” He screams. “Hey,” you smile apologetically, “I was wondering if I could have my receipt back?” “Such impudence!” He points his dagger at you. “You’ve been a thorn in my side for too long!” “Look,” you shrug, “I have nothing against you or your little party down here. Just give me the receipt. Then I’ll go and you guys can go back to singing and quoting clichés.” “Keep chanting my brothers!“ says the one with the dagger that you guess is the ‘Dark Lord’. “It looks like our sacrifice has delivered himself.” The Dark Lord picks up his dagger, produces an axe in his other hand, and comes towards you.(set: $talkDL to 0) [[Uh Oh|CultFightGeneral]]

(if: $CulistsKilled is 1)[(display: "RitualEnd")](else:)[The Dark Lord is coming towards you, wielding a silver dagger and a large Hand axe. Around you, weight bearing posts hold up rotted(if: $talkedabout contains "CultAxe")[ beams, more the worse for wear by you climbing on them. Just under one, is the cultist with the freshly split skull.] (else:)[ beams. ] (if: $talkedabout contains "CultFall")[ A forgotten elevator shaft, freshly cleaned of cobwebs by the body of a cultist,] (else:)[ A forgotten cobweb-filled elevator shaft] is tucked into the corner. Someone weilded several swords in the shape of a spider (if: $talkedabout contains "CultSkewer")[and stupidly hung them on the wall. A second someone got skewered by the previous someone's stupidity.](else:)[and hung them on the wall.] (if: $talkedabout contains "CultFire")[ The still burning body of a cultist smolders to the side. You hope, for his sake, that he's dead.] (if: $talkedabout contains "CultStab")[ Blood from the slashed cultist is flowing into the sigils. ] The (print: $CulistsKilled) other cultists continue their chanting. ---- (unless: $talkedabout contains "CultStab")[[[Dodge Right|CultStab]] ](unless: $talkedabout contains "CultFall")[[[Roll Left|CultFall]] ](unless: $talkedabout contains "CultFire")[[[Duck|CultFire]] ](unless: $talkedabout contains "CultSkewer")[[[Jump|CultSkewer]] ](unless: $talkedabout contains "CultAxe")[[[Climb Beam|CultAxe]] ]]

You shift around the room, trying to keep the Dark Lord far away from you.(display: "TalkDarkCult") and lunges toward you. You dodge to the right. His undirected slash hits one of the cultists off to the side. As you turn to face the Dark Lord again, you see the slashed cultist fall to the ground, his blood pooling around him. (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "CultStab")) (set: $CulistsKilled to it - 1) [[Ow|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark Lord starts to back you into a a corner.(display: "TalkDarkCult") and leaps forward with a kick. You roll to the left. His haphazard kick knocks one of the cultists into the abandoned elevator shaft. As you stand and face the Dark Lord again you can still hear the rapidly descending scream. (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "CultFall")) (set: $CulistsKilled to it - 1) [[Uh Oh|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark Lord starts to move you into the center of the room right over the sigils (display: "TalkDarkCult") and takes a slash at you. You duck and his arm knocks one of the black candles into a cultist. Whatever their robes are made of must be really //really// flammable. He begins screaming and flailing about. You use the distraction to put some distance between you and the Dark Lord. The Flaming Cultist screams and runs around for quite a long time, before he runs headlong into a beam and collapses silently. After that, the only sounds he makes are the crackling of flames. (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "CultFire")) (set: $CulistsKilled to it - 1) [[You hope you can get the smell out of your clothes|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark Lord backs you into a wall (display: "TalkDarkCult") and swings his axe at you. You jump over his swing and it thwacks into the wall. As he tries to pull the axe out, you make some distance between the two of you. He kicks the wall to free his axe. The old nails that hold the Sword spider(Swider?) to the wall lose their battle with vibration. The Swider leaps from the wall and skewers a cultist.(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "CultSkewer")) (set: $CulistsKilled to it - 1) [[That's why you don't stand under orimental swords|CultFightGeneral]]

You jump up and grab the one of the beams, scrambling up and resting for a moment. (display: "TalkDarkCult") and throws his axe at you. You fall down off the beam, narrowly missing the axe. The axe arches in the air, and hits a cultist in the face. You fall face first onto the stone floor. Without a second thought, The Dark Lord roughly pulls his axe out of his brother's face and turns to you. (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "CultAxe")) (set: $CulistsKilled to it - 1) [[That's Cold|CultFightGeneral]]

(if: $talkDL is 0)["Look Man, I don't want trouble, I just really need that receipt." "I am no man! I am a harbinger of DOOM!" "OK, Look //harbinger of doom//-" He screams in rage](if: $talkDL is 1)["Look," You say "I don't like being threatened so could you please...not?" "It is no threat" He barks "I will spill your blood in the name of Tractchiclitlilthcbkltph." "Woah,' you reply. "Was your god in the back of the line when the vowels were handed out?" He screams in rage](if: $talkDL is 2)["Lets be reasonable," you say smiling at him. "I'm not asking for much." "You are vermin not worthy of speaking to a higher being like me!" "That's rude." He screams in rage](if: $talkDL is 3)["You seem really stressed out. Maybe you should take a deep breath and think about this." "Blood will spill! Bones will rend! HEARTS WILL RIP!" "Maybe try yoga?" He screams in rage](if: $talkDL is 4)["I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't like myself." "You are a worm I will crush beneath my feet," He spits. "Your soul will feed Tractchiclitlilthcbkltph's rise!" "Do you usually have to chase your sacrifices around the room?" You wonder. "If you did, I'd think you'd be better at this." He screams in rage] (set: $talkDL to it + 1)

Having observed the fates of his brothers-in-robes, the last chanting cultist suddenly reconsiders the cultist lifestyle. He stops chanting, turns, and runs for the door. Unfortunately for him, this basement wasn’t made for desperate fights between Dark Lords and accident prone losers. The weight bearing beams are too old to be used in such a manner. One of the last beams breaks and crushes the fleeing cultist. Even though the chanters are dead, the chanting continues. More voices join the thrumming until it jumps the tracks from an eerie wail to a tremendous cacophony. The Dark Lord stops his attack. “The Ritual is whole!” The sigils on the floor begin to glow with an unnatural blackness. As you wonder how something can glow black, a massive tentacle bursts from the ground and the room collapses around you. [[That can’t be good|preprerubble]]

Fix This.

You could free Gonk from this predicament. Although you doubt his attitude adjustment would hold of if he suddenly //could// push your face into a meat grinder. --- (display: "CultistAttic")

What will happen to Jonas Mallory? *Tangle with Unnatural Monsters! *Be violently thrown *Advise local junk merchants on investing in lamination *Meet the illusive Sam Ravenoir! *Save the world and die trying Play Jonas Mallory and The Bibliotek of DOOM! Coming Soon! You commited $OOCD count(unless: $OOCD is "1")[s] of Obstructing an Officer in the course of his duty.

You are adrift in a pool of blackness [[What?|Pre Rubble2]]

You are unconscious. But don’t worry, you’re starting to regain consciousness. [[Ok Then. Get on with it!|Pre Rubble3]]

Dust stings your eyes, as you open them. Flitting shadows dance across your vision and eventually settle into their comprehensible shapes. The roof of the basement and what appears to be all the floors above, have caved in. You can see the sky above the blown out carcase of the building. You try to move, but find that you are pinned underneath one of the support beams. [[Struggle|StruggleRubble]] [[Look around|LookRubble]] [[Try to Remember|RemRubble]]

You wiggle and shake at the rubble. [[Struggle More|StruggleRubble2]] [[Look around|LookRubble]] [[Try to Remember|RemRubble]]

The cult leader is gone, leaving behind the remains of his brethren. Whatever weird symbol on the floor is gone, along with whatever smashed its way out, right before the roof collapsed. Pilled on top of you is one of the support beams you climbed on. It fell down on you, but was caught mid-you-crushing by another beam. So instead of smashing you into a vaguely Jonas shaped smudged, it only walloped you on the head and pinned you to the floor. Looking up you, can see the evening sky. It’s just moving into twilight but… Maybe the city lights are extra bright tonight, or the sky is starting to turn a brusey sort of red… Maybe you should get out of here. [[Struggle|StruggleRubble]] [[Try to Remember|RemRubble]]

There was a thing. It burst out of the symbol on the floor. Then burst through the ceiling. Then everything went black. [[Struggle|StruggleRubble]] [[Look around|LookRubble]]

You wiggle and shake and manage to free yourself. [[Progress!|Rubblestand]]

The basement is utterly destroyed. The roof is caved in, the stairs are traitorously splintered, and the walls are...technically not walls but debris. Above, the sky is a dark red with tinges of purple, like an infected bruise. [[Freak out|PanicRubble]](if: $Inventory contains "Book")[ ] (else:)[ [[Search for first aid kits|SearchRubble]] ] [[Climb the remnants of the stairs|LeaveRubble]]

You hope to find a box with some bandages and gauze and whatever other things you would use to cure...whatever sort of injuries you got from being partially crushed by a wooden beam...hydrogen peroxide? You also hope that you can find an instruction manual on self administering first aid. Because you’re fairly certain that you wouldn’t know what to do even if you got some medical supplies. You don’t find either. But you do find ''THE BOOK'' You acquire ''The Book''.(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Book")) [[Well, that's better than nothing|Rubblestand]]

You brave the broken staircase. Each step thoroughly reminds you how much you like standing on solid ground. Eventually you make it to the top and step out onto the street. [[Let's hope for the best|Alleyway1]]

You scream in terror and curl up into a ball. You shake back-and-forth and hyperventilate. You wail and pound the ground with your fist. This isn’t a productive use of your time. You stop freaking out. Instead, you get to your feet and brush the dirt from your coat. [[You hope no one saw that|Rubblestand]]

Your experiences in the city haven’t given you the best picture of humanity, but geez.... From every directions you hear screams: Screams of pain, Screams of fear, and Screams of struggle. Looking into the distant main street, you see what looks like a riot. Huge crowds of people fighting each other. As you inch closer, you can see more clearly. There are people fighting. But they aren’t fighting each other. but rather… You remember a book you had as a child. It had three different sections with pages all lined up. Each section had a part of an animal on it. By flipping the different pages you could make a turtle with the legs of a cat, or a monkey with the tail of a peacock. These creatures remind you of that book. But exclusively comprised of the kinds of fangly deep sea fish dredged out of a child’s nightmare and those incects you naturally assume are from Austrailia. Each one a haphazard collection of tentacles, spines, arm length teeth, splotchy tubers, and pitch black eyes. They are jumping and slashing at the people in the streets. The ones with mouths bite, and the ones with claws gouge. You’re not sure what the ones comprised solely of segmented eyes are doing, but they are giving everything they can a //Look//. [[Better get out of here|Alleyway3]]

"Hello," you say, making an attempt at a polite smile. The creature lurches forward and raises an indescribable limb. [[Uh oh|Alleyway2]]

You pull your arm back and aim for a part that isn’t sharp. “How would you like a knuckle sandwich?” You scream wishing that you had something pithier for last words. You swing your fist around and successfully get a gross substance on you hand and possible break your fingers. But completely fail to hurt the beast in the slightest. The creature lurches forward and raises an indescribable limb. [[Uh oh|Alleyway2]]

“Well hello there...uh…” You search the figure for some sort of clue. “Mister?” You take a stab in the dark.“You seem like a totally reasonable...thing. So how about you and let me pass?” You guess where its face is and give it a friendly smile. The creature lurches forward and raises an indescribable limb. [[Uh oh|Alleyway2]]

Out of the shadows a muscly arm coldcocks the beasty. It’s Captain Maxwell! He’s come to your rescue. You knew he was lying about hating you. After each punch, he waits to see if the creature will stay down. Each time the creature tried to claw back, and each time Captain Max’s fist came down again. You back out of the range of combat and wait for the creature to call uncle. Eventually, the creature stops trying to kill Maxwell...because it’s dead. The good captain then turns to face you “Jonas Mallory, Why is it that I knew you’d be at the center of all this?” “I didn’t do anything,” “Really? I make my way through the city, following the path of destruction back to its source...and you just happen to be standing right at the end.” * [[That’s correlation not causation|Correlation]] * [[That’s racial profiling!|Profiling]]

Setter link (link: "Link Text")[(set: $variable to "value")(goto: "Passage Title")] (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Hero")) (link: "Hero?")[(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Hero"))(goto: "Hero?")]

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[[stop poking him]]

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<div style="max-height:308px;max-width:100%; #ccc;overflow:auto;">Searching your pants, jacket, and socks you find:(if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[ [[Panties|Use Panties Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Whiskey")[ [[Whiskey|Use Whiskey Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coin shaped Rocks")[ [[Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Shoe")[ [[Shoe|UseShoe Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Fountain Pen")[ [[Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Hammer")[ [[Hammer|Use Hammer Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Lipstick")[ [[Lipstick|Use Lipstick Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Chequebook")[ [[Chequebook|Use Chequebook Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Angry Letter")[ [[Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coupon")[ [[Coupon|Use Coupon Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[ [[Rope|Use Rope Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "No Water")[ [[No Water|Use No Water Table]] ](else:)[]</div>

Searching your pants, jacket, and socks you find:(if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[ [[Panties|Use Panties]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Whiskey")[ [[Whiskey|Use Whiskey]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coin shaped Rocks")[ [[Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Shoe")[ [[Shoe|UseShoe]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Fountain Pen")[ [[Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Hammer")[ [[Hammer|Use Hammer]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Lipstick")[ [[Lipstick|Use Lipstick]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Chequebook")[ [[Chequebook|Use Chequebook]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Angry Letter")[ [[Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coupon")[ [[Coupon|Use Coupon]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[ [[Rope|Use Rope]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "No Water")[ [[No Water|Use No Water]] ](else:)[]

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use no waterTEST")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>

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Searching your pants, jacket, and socks you find:(if: $Inventory contains "Panties")[ [[Panties|Use Panties Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Whiskey")[ [[Whiskey|Use Whiskey Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coin shaped Rocks")[ [[Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Shoe")[ [[Shoe|UseShoe Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Fountain Pen")[ [[Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Hammer")[ [[Hammer|Use Hammer Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Lipstick")[ [[Lipstick|Use Lipstick Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Chequebook")[ [[Chequebook|Use Chequebook Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Angry Letter")[ [[Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Coupon")[ [[Coupon|Use Coupon Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "Rope")[ [[Rope|Use Rope Table]] ](else:)[] (if: $Inventory contains "No Water")[ [[No Water|Use No Water Table]] ](else:)[]

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Panties")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Whiskey")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Coin shaped Rocks")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "UseShoe")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Fountain Pen")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Hammer")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Lipstick")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Chequebook")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Angry Letter")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Coupon")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use Rope")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

{<head> <style> th, td {border: white ridge 0.8em; border-radius: 0.25em;} </style> </head><table style="width:100%;"><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Use No Water")</td><td style="width:50%;">(display: "Inventory01")</td> </table>}

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"I’m surprised you know either word." He crackes his knuckles. "I’d arrest you for ‘provoking a citywide pandemic somehow’ if I wasn’t too busy protecting the public from your mess." He turns around and runs back toward the mass of people trying to fend off the Composite Creatures. [[Rude|Intro to Destruction]]

“Public menace isn’t a race, Jonas. Cultural or athletic.” He crackes his knuckles. "I’d arrest you for ‘provoking a citywide pandemic somehow’ if I wasn’t too busy protecting the public from your mess." He turns around and runs back toward the mass of people trying to fend off the Composite Creatures. [[Rude|Intro to Destruction]]

(display: "Sapphire Street")

(if: $Jsaw contains "Edna")[You approach Edna’s awning. She’s still locked in combat with a composite creature. You wait until she knocks her current adversary to the ground, and then give her a little wave.](else:)[Hey that’s Edna Arthison. Jumping up, you try to get Edna’s attention. when the attacks lull to an occasional swipe, she finally turns her to face you. “Jonas, Jonas Mallory is that you?” “Last time I checked.” “Mr. Mallory, could you help me down?” “Well, if I did that would just put you closer to the monsters you’re fighting. “I’m sure a man could take care of these ruffians,” “Hold on, I’ll go find one,” “Please Mr. Mallory, I’m being serious.” “Didn’t you tell me that you’re always serious?” “Yes, I am serious.” “But if you are serious all the time, then being serious is meaningless. I told you that earlier.” “I usually enjoy your dry wit, but this isn’t the time. I’m in serious danger.” “So like...regular danger?” Before she can respond, the attackers return clawing at her ankles and she turns her attention to them. (set: $Jsaw to it + (array: "Edna"))(set: $met to it + (array: "Edna"))] (set: $inroom to (a:)) (set: $inroom to(array: "Edna")) (display: "Talk Edna")

You Approach the place where Max is fighting the monsters and wait for Maxwell to notice you. After watching him pummel three beasties to a pulp at once, He finally sees you standing there and steps over to you taking a break from the never ending horde. "What?"(set: $inroom to (a:)) (set: $inroom to(array: "Maxwell")) (display: "Talk Maxwell")

“Hi Edna” “Yes, Mr. Jonas I see you.” (display: "Talk Edna")

“What’s going on?” “This is exactly what I told you about; a righteous wave is coming down to wash away the delinquents and the scoundrels. Their depravity will be their undoing.” “Uh, why is the righteous wave trying to wash you away? Are you living a double life?” “How dare you!” “Temperance spokeswoman by day, bootlegger by night. Can I have the rights to your story? It would make a great movie. I’m picturing Marty Feldman as you, Lee Van Cleef as me, and a young Sean Connery as the soapbox.” “Sometimes you drift into gibberish, Mr. Jonas.” (display: "Talk Edna")

“Hey can I have any more of those Pamphlets?” “Are you going just to throw them away this time?” “...No.” “I’m afraid that I’m using them right now,” she bats away another monster. (display: "Talk Edna")

“Hey Edna. There were these guys with black hoods, and they were trying to summon this monster thing, and I tried to stop them. Well I didn’t //try// to stop them, but I did, but I didn’t. Anyway, they succeeded and now I don’t know what to do.” “You found the bootleggers hideout? “I told you, making alcohol isn’t illegal and therefore the people making them are just called breweries, not bootleggers.” “But you found their hideout?” “No.” “Well, when you do track down the bootleggers tell me.” (display: "Talk Edna")

“Hey Edna. Do you think you could help me save the world or whatever?” “I am saving the world, one teetotaler at a time.” “I meant in a direct, like 'Stop the Apocalypse' way.” “I’m afraid I’m too busy saving the souls of dipsomaniacs.” “You have a problem who go crazy for nacho cheese?” Edna sighs and returns to her struggle against the endless horde. (display: "Talk Edna")

---- [[Greet|Greet Max]] [[Ask What Happened|Ask Max What happened]] [[Ask for help saving the world|Max Save World]] [[Ask for help you getting past the horde|Max Help Pass]] [[Report attack]] [[Teach Max to breakdance|Max Breakdance]](if: $talkedabout contains "Help Edna")[ [[Get Max to help Edna|Max Help Edna]]] ---- [[Return to your safespot|Return to Sapphire Street]] (display: "DoStuff")

“Oh light of my life, thy beauty burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. “Mr. Jonas. I shudder to think of you succumbing to the depravity of poetry.” (display: "Talk Edna")

(if: $talkedabout contains "Help Edna")["Do you still need help?" "Honestly, I thought that was obvious." "I generally need a little more than obvious." "Yes, I need help." "Just checking."](else:)[How? You can barely help yourself. Fine. You approach Edna and wait for a lull in the creatures repeated attacks. “Edna, is there something I can do to help?” “You could dispatch these vile creatures harrying me.” “I don’t know how good I would be at that. Is there something else I could do?” “Find someone who can help me fight off these beasts.” “You have a real one-track mind. I was thinking like moral support.” “Mr. Jonas, Please!” “Ok ok. I’ll see what I can do.”(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Help Edna"))] (display: "Talk Edna")

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"Hi Captain" You wave. "Really? That's what was so important you interupted me fighting these monsters?" "Just wanted to say hi." "I'm adding "Obstructing an Officer in the Course of his Duties" to your record." "You can't do that. That's already on my record. Double indemnity." (set: $OOCD to it + 1)(set: $MaxLike to it -1) "You're thinking of Double Jeopardy." "No, you're thinking of the Game Show with Alex Trebek." "I don't know what that is. So unless you want another count of "Obstructing an Officer", shut up."(display: "Talk Maxwell")

"What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. You came into my city like a tornado and threw everything into chaos. You caused a gang war, burned down three dozen bars, smashed the window of a church, let that metal horse of your's loose to trample pedestrians-" "It wasn't a horse it was a bicycle. And I meant recently." "Well, the sky opened up, black sludge started pouring out, turned into weird clawed fish monsters, and a giant tentacle thing started knocking down buildings. So I followed the trail of destruction to its source, and I find you. So you tell me what happened." "I was taking a leisurely nap in that alleyway, and a monster jumped out and tried to kill me." "The only thing I believe about that story is that you're the kind of guy who would take a leisurely nap in an alleyway."(display: "Talk Maxwell")

"Hey, Captain. I don’t really think this problem is going to stop with just an endless wave of disgusting deep sea monsters.(if: $met contains "Open Book")[I think this might build to a ‘unstoppable monster the likes of which you can’t possibly imagine." "You sound like you’re quoting something." "It’s just something I overheard at the uh...pet store the other day.](else:)[It might be the plan of some doomsday cult." “What makes you say that?" “Uh, intuition?] The point is, would you help save the world?” “Look Jonas, I’m a cop. I keep the peace. I don’t know anything about this fate of the world crap. In times of crisis, I find a street, and scratch out what peace I can there.” “But...the world!" “Sorry Jonas, but that's way above my paygrade." (display: "Talk Maxwell")

“Hey Max, do you think you could help me get past these monsters? I’d like to get to The Royal Riches and I don’t have the ease towards violence that you have.” “I’m trying to restore order to a city ravaged by the soldiers of the damned and you want me to help you get to a bar?” “Well I was just going there to check on my friends, but I’ll buy you a drink. Well...I'll owe to a drink. “You don’t have friends, Jonas.” “Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful.” (display: "Talk Maxwell")

“Hey Captain, check this out.” You begin popping and locking, well really more like flopping and dangling. But Captain Max has never seen breakdancing before, so it’s probably blowing his mind. After showing off the moves that won you ‘most likely to be paid to stop dancing’ in middle school, Max stops you and raises an eyebrow. “Are you having a seizure? It suffices to say, he’s not a fan. (display: "Talk Maxwell")

{ (set: $inroom to (a:)) (set: $inroom to (array:"Maxwell", "Rioters", "Edna", "Goop")) (set: $where to "Sapphire street") }<h1>Sapphire Street</h1> ---- The streets are in a whirlwind panic. Down the street, Captain Max fights a whole mess of the monstrous creatures raining from the sky. He swings a sludge monster around like a flail and seems to be doing a fairly good job, if the horde weren’t seemingly endless. For the time being, Max’s fury grants a calm in the storm. The few Composite Creatures that squeak through the cracks, ignore Jonas in favor of (if: $met contains "Edna")[Edna](else:)[a woman] standing on an awning. She seems to be keeping them at bay with a few well timed swipes with a stack of pamphlets. Every way out of this street is blocked by rubble, rioters, or hordes of these creatures. (if: $met contains "Edna")[[[Get Edna's attention|Approach Edna]]](else:)[[[Get Woman's attention|Approach Edna]]] [[Get Captain Max's attention|Approach Maxwell]] (display: "DoStuff")

“Captain, I’d like to report an assault” "You assaulted someone?” "No, someone assaulted me, tied me up, and threw me in a closet.” “Oh.” He starts to turn his attention back to the horde. “Hey, don’t you want to, I don’t know, file a report about it?” “Jonas, you report an attack on yourself every week-” “People attack me every week.” “So far, none of your accusations have amounted to anything. So unless you have evidence. You're just wasting my time." (set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Assault"))(display: "Talk Maxwell")

(if: $Jsaw contains "Edna")[](else:)[Hey that’s Edna Arthison.(set: $Jsaw to it + (array: "Edna"))]She’s still wearing her stern grey dress, although it looks a bit ragged at the moment. Her hair is beginning to free itself from her tight bun. She holds the hordes of creatures back, whipping at them with her stack of pamphlets. (display: "DoStuff")

Maxwell is looking as fearsome as ever. His green Orcish forearms are pumping like mad as he beats away at the creatures, occasionally bashing one against his breastplate or kicking them with his steel toed boots. You wonder why any crime exists with Cops like him around. (display: "DoStuff")

(if: $talkedabout contains "Help Edna")["Do you still need help?" "Honestly, I thought that was obvious." "I generally need a little more than obvious." "Yes, I need help." "Just checking."](else:)[How? You can barely help yourself. Fine. You approach Edna and wait for a lull in the creatures repeated attacks. “Edna, is there something I can do to help?” “You could dispatch these vile creatures harrying me.” “I don’t know how good I would be at that. Is there something else I could do?” “Find someone who can help me fight off these beasts.” “You have a real one-track mind, I was thinking like moral support.” “Mr. Jonas, Please!” “Ok ok, I’ll see what I can do.”(set: $talkedabout to it + (array: "Help Edna"))] (display: "Sapphire Street")

You would, but you're not certain that invite Captain Max to punch you is a good idea. --- (display: "Sapphire Street")

(if: $inroom contains "Edna")[You leave Edna up on the awning. the Creatures return to their attempts to climb up to where she is](if: $inroom contains "Maxwell")[Max sees the horde beginning to mass again and returns to the fray as you back away.] ---- (display: "Sapphire Street")

"Hey Max, You’re a cop right?" “What sort of question is that?” “I just mean cops are supposed to protect the citizens of the city, you told me that.” “What are you getting at?” “Well, Look at this place. You’re really dropped the ball.” “You are judging me on how to be a cop?” “I just mean, I know of someone who could use your help.” You gesture back toward Edna. Max smashes the surrounding monsters and follows you towards Edna’s perch. [[Next|Max Help Edna2]]

“Is that Edna Arthison?” He says, squinting through the blood covering his face. “Captain,” calls Edna, prodding away a beastie that is mostly suckers. “Could you render assistance?” Max sighs, grabs a nearby two-by-four, and flattens the grouped monsters over the course of several waps. He reaches a massive arm up and helps Edna down. “There we are,” You say “I saved you Edna!” “Edna,” begins Max. “Miss Arthison, Captain.” “Arthison, you gotta get to safety." “Captain, I’d like to report a crime.” “Yeah yeah, you were attacked by several shellfish monsters.” “No, not that.” She produces her notebook and flicks through the pages. “Earlier this morning I took note of several neardowells in various states of public indecency. 36 counts of public drunkenness, 74 counts of drinking in public, 16 counts of verbally assaulting a peaceful protester-” “Are you really doing this right now? I don’t have time to-” “Sanction 43 article 4 of the Goldenport penal code says that any able bodied officer of the law must, unless otherwise occupied with an ongoing investigation, must file any reports of crimes given by citizens of Goldenport." [[Point out the double ‘must’s|Max Help Edna Point]] [[Don't|Max Help Edna3]]

"That legalese has a redundant 'must'" "The founders of Goldenport were illiterate" says Max. He turns back to Edna. (display: "Max Help Edna3")

“You read the laws?” “They are in the public archive.” “Yeah, but you aren't actually supposed to read them." “Unless you have an ongoing investigation, you must listen to my report.” “Ma’am, if you hadn't noticed, we got ourselves a genuine Armageddon going on over here.” “The Riot Squad can take care of that.” “We don’t have a Riot Squad, we just got a Riot.” Edna ignores Max’s protests and continues riffling through her notes. “At 6:25 am, a cat woke me from a sound sleep, most likely breaking sound pollution ordinances. My decibellometor is broken so I’m just going to estimate it at 150-" “I’m sorry Ma’am, but I’m far too busy to listen to your ramblings." “With what?” “Uh…" he grabs you by your collar. “I gotta run this guy into the station for questioning. He’s a person of interest.” [[It's the first time anyones said you were interesting|Teaser]]

Max begins draging you through the horde wallaping anything in his way. "Thanks for the help Max, I would never be able to get through this riot without your help." "Don't be thanking me so soon," "Why?" "See my thinking is, you made this mess, so you should be the one to fix it." "Uh...I can't fix this. I don't know how." "You have thirteen blocks to figure that out." "Why thirteen blocks?" "As best as I can asimate, that's when I'll be close enough to throw you at the giant tenticle monster trampling the city." [[Uh oh|Teaser2]]

Your brain goes "blorff" [[nnnnnnnnnnnngh|Pre Rubble]]

{(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Rope"))(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Panties", "Whiskey", "Coin shaped Rocks", "Shoe", "Fountain Pen", "Hammer", "Lipstick", "Chequebook", "Coupon", "Angry Letter"))}(display: "Pre Rubble")

You scratch my back, I scratch yours. That's what it means. Don't touch me. (display: "Thereturnkey")

(link:"It works right?")[(set: $met to "Carl")(goto:"Does it work?")]

Ok. What are you incredulous about? (link:"Women")[(set: $bystander2 to "Woman")(goto:"Setup for CultistAttic")] (link:"Interracial Marriage")[(set: $bystander2 to "Half")(goto:"Setup for CultistAttic")] (link:"The Usefulness of Pants")[(set: $bystander2 to "Pants")(goto:"Setup for CultistAttic")]{  }

Ok. What are you incredulous about? (link:"Women")[(set: $bystander2 to "Woman")(goto:"Jump to CultBasementCorridor01")] (link:"Interracial Marriage")[(set: $bystander2 to "Half")(goto:"Jump to CultBasementCorridor01")] (link:"The Usefulness of Pants")[(set: $bystander2 to "Pants")(goto:"Jump to CultBasementCorridor01")]

(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Rope"))(display: "Cultist Attic1")

Noted{(set: $Inventory to it + (array: "Rope", "Panties", "Whiskey", "Coin shaped Rocks", "Shoe", "Fountain Pen", "Hammer", "Lipstick", "Chequebook", "Coupon", "Angry Letter"))} And are you a fan of auto-defenestration? (link:"Yes")[(set: $Winjump to true)(goto:"CultBasementCorridor")] (link:"No")[(set: $Winjump to false)(goto:"CultBasementCorridor")]

Just as you make a move to run down the opposite way, a blob of black sludge lands in front of you. In a moment, the blob begins to solidify into a creature. Sections harden into a carapace, and others tighten into sinews. Standing (lurking really) before you is a grotesque mismatch of spider-legs, clamshells, and needle teeth. Even without eyes, you can tell it’s looking at you. [[Greet|Greetmonster]] [[Attack|Attack Monster]] [[Charm|CharmMonster]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

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