Jonas Mallory and the Bibliotek of Doom Workable Sugar Cube With new backgrounds

You awaken in a dark closet. Your hands are bound behind you back with rope. Small shafts of light peek through cracks in the wall. <<nobr>><<set $Inventory to ["No Water"]>> <<set $bystander2 = "Woman">> <<set $talkDL = 0>> <<set $CulistsKilled = 6>> <<set $GonkPace = "0">> <<set $inroom to []>> <<set $where = "badcloset">> <<set $forcedm = "0">> <<set $met to []>> <<set $talkedabout to []>> <<endnobr>> [[Look around closet|Look Closet2]] [[Struggle|Struggle1]] [[Try to remember|Remember]]

The closet is bare save for a metal hook attached to the ceiling. Not much to see while lying on the floor. [[Struggle|Struggle1]] [[Try to remember|Remember]]

You wiggle and shake at the ropes. [[Struggle More|Struggle2]] [[Try to remember|Remember]]

Oh yeah. You remember now! You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to return a library book and someone jumps you and and now you're here! [[Look around closet|Look Closet2]] [[Struggle|Struggle1]]

You wiggle just enough to escape. That's cool. <<set $Tied to "1">> [[Stand up|Closet2 Stand]]

You are now in the bare closet without your hands bound! Progress! [[Onward!|Closet2standing]]

In the dim light coming from a small hole in the wall, you can see that this closet is small and bare. On the floor is a piece of rope and on the ceiling is a metal hook. Just to your right is a door. <<if $GonkPace == "1">> The sound of creaking continues above you as Gonk moves things around. The floorboard above the Hook must be loose.<<endif>> <<display Closet2actions>> <<set $inroom.push("Hook", "Door")>> <<display DoStuff>>

<table style="width:100%"> <tr> <td>Hands</td> <td>Eyes</td> <td>Mouth</td> <td>Inventory</td> </tr> <tr> <td> <<display Hands>> </td> <td> <<display Eyes>> </td> <td> <<display Mouth>> </td> <td> <<display Inventory>> </td> </tr> </table> [[Try to Remember]]

<<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> [[Use Hands on Hook|Use Hands on Hook]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Door") != -1>> [[Use Hands on Door|Use Hands on Door]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>><<if $forcedm is "0">> [[Grab at Gonk's legs|Use Hands on Gonklegs]]<<else>> [[Grab key from Gonk's Pocket|Use Hands on Gonklegs]]<<endif>><<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Push Gonk through hole|Use Hands on Gonkhead]]<<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Touch Gonk|Touch on Gonkhead]]<<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Altar") != -1>> [[Use Altar|Use Hands on Altar]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Window") != -1>> [[Open Window|Use Hands on Window]]<<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Bystander2") != -1>> [[Grab Bystander|Use Hands on Bystander2]] <<endif>>

<<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> [[Look at Hook|Use Eyes on Hook]] <<endif>> <<if $inroom.indexOf("Door") != -1>> [[Look at Door|Use Eyes on Door]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>> [[Look at Gonk|Look at Gonklegs]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Look at Gonk|Use Eyes on Gonkhead]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Altar") != -1>> <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Window") != -1>> [[Look out Window|Use Eyes on Window]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Bystander2") != -1>> [[Look at Bystander|Use Eyes on Bystander2]] <<endif>>

<<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> [[Use Mouth on Hook|Use Mouth on Hook]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Door") != -1>> [[Use Mouth on Door|Use Mouth on Door]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>> [[Bite Gonk|Use Mouth on Gonklegs]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Bite Gonk|Use Mouth on Gonkhead]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Altar") != -1>> [[Lick Altar|Use Mouth on Altar]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Window") != -1>> [[Yell out Window|Use Mouth on Window]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Bystander2") != -1>> [[Talk to Bystander|Use Mouth on Bystander2]] <<endif>>

Go to where? <<display Inventory01>>

<<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to return a library book and someone jumps you and and now you're here! <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> At least you picked up that rope...That's something. <<else>>At least you are out of that rope.<<endif>><<if $GonkPace == 1>> Frankly it's hard to concentrate with that creaking floorboard. <<endif>><<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>>You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another. You try to escape a closet and the roof comes down on you. Now you're staring at your would be captor's flailing legs. <<if $forcedm is "0">> Maybe you can get some information from him. <<else>> Maybe you can convice him you to give you his key. An optimist would try to reason with him. You on the other hand...<<endif>><<endif>><<if $where.indexOf("Attic") != -1>> You are Jonas Mallory. Your life sucks! If it's not one thing it's another.<<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> You try to return a library book and someone steals your only proof that you did so. Oh well better go get it.<<else>> You try to return a library book and someone steals all your stuff. Well it should be around here somewhere.<<endif>><<endif>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

---- <<display Inventory>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You aren't close enough to bite the hook like a fish. <<display Thereturnkey>>

You call out to anyone that might be behind the door. "Hey? Can you let me out?" After a minute you come to the conclusion that either there isn't anyone out there, or no one cares about you. <<display Thereturnkey>>

He'd kick your teeth out. <<display Thereturnkey>>

He might bite you back. <<display Mouth>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You'd rather not get Hepatitis J. <<display Mouth>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You yell at the window hoping that someone will hear you, stop what they're doing, locate the direction of the sound, decide to help a total stranger in vague danger, come over to where you are, and help you. You wait for someone to do all of those things. You shrug, Oh well. <<display Mouth>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

<<if $bystander2 == "Half">> <<actions "Ask about Dark Lord">> [[Ask about Half Orks]] [[Ask what is he doing here]] <<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Pants">> <<actions "Ask about Dark Lord">> [[Ask about Ork Pants]] [[Ask what is he doing here]] >> <<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Woman">><<actions "Ask about Dark Lord">> [[Ask about Ork Women]] [[Ask what is she doing here]] >> <<endif>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

It's out of reach. <<display Thereturnkey>>

You knock politely on the door. No answer. <<display Thereturnkey>>

He's kicking too furiously. If you get close, you'll get kicked in the head. <<display Thereturnkey>>

His stubbly beard is scratchy. "Hey stop that!" <<display Hands>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

It was always your dream to get an unknown substance on you hands! Oh wait. No it wasn't! <<display Hands>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

If you punch the window you will get glass embedded in your hand. ...... Also the window is painted shut. <<display Hands>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

<<if $bystander2 == "Half">>You reach out to the bucket but the man stops you. "You don't want what's in there." Judging by the smell; he's right.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>"Wow. This is high end silk." "Yes and it's quite expensive so could you not put your grubby hands on it?" The ork shoves you aside and checks to make sure you didn't damage anything.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>You reach out touch the orcish woman but stop when you notice her expression. She winks."Don't worry, I won't bite where it'll show." You believe her. <<endif>> <<display Thereturnkey>>.

On the ceiling is a metal hook, It probably held a lantern before this closet was repurposed as a Jonas containment unit. <<display Thereturnkey>>

Yeah that's a door. <<display Thereturnkey>>

You can't see much other than his greenish grey legs. His pants are torn and his toes are long and gnarled. Just at the top of the hole, you see his arms wedged alongside his body. He can't reach anything but his pocket. <<display Thereturnkey>>

He looks slightly annoyed and very ugly. But who knows? Maybe for Orks he’s quite attractive. <<display Thereturnkey>>

Looking out the window you see a surprisingly clean street. Even weirder, you don't see anyone getting stabbed, robbed, or chased by thugs. What is this city coming to? <<display Thereturnkey>>

<<if $bystander2 == "Half">>He has a pronounced underbite, grayish skin, and an implacable expression. His clothes are filthy and hard worn, and he has what you hope is dirt smeared all over his arms.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>His suit is perfect: A silken vest, white shirtsleeves, and impeccable tie. Other than the fact that his face looks like a blind person sculpted it with their feet, he wouldn't be out of place on the cover of a magazine.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>She wears a blue dress and holds a beaded handbag. The dress complements her...robust figure and broad shoulders. The neckline is low cut, and the split leg skirt goes much higher than most. She notices your eyes and raises her eyebrows. "If you look any harder, I might get embarrassed?" <<endif>> <<display Thereturnkey>>.

You pick up the rope.<<set $Inventory.unshift("Rope")>> <<display Closet2standing>>

<<actions "Look Through Hole" "Pick up Rope">> [[Open Door|Closetdoor]]

This closet isn't in very good shape. The ceiling has a huge hole in it. Plugging the hole is the bottom half of Gonk. His legs flail about. His grubby gnarled toes almost hit you in the head and his torn pant legs fling dust and dirt about has he struggles. <<set $inroom to []>> <<set $inroom.push("Gonklegs", "Door")>> <<set $where = "destroyedcloset">> [[Talk to Gonk|Talk to Gonklegs]] [[Look at Gonk|Look at Gonklegs]] <<display DoStuff>>

<<nobr>> <<set $inroom to []>> <<set $inroom.push("Bystander2")>> <<set $where = "OutOttic">> <<endnobr>> <<if $met.indexOf("street") != -1>>You are on the rich side of town, You might want to get out of here before someone arrests you for loitering.<<endif>> <<if $GonkPace == "0">> You stand up and brush the glass from your hair. That was very painful. <<endif>> Looking around you realize you are on the wrong side of the tracks. That is you don't belong on rich side of town and you are on the rich part of town. You get some sideways glances from the hoity toity pedestrians. <<if $bystander2 == "Half">> Watching you from across the street is a burly young man with a pronounced overbite. He stands a foot taller than you, has a bucket in one hand, and stares at you like you just finished a bad performance of a complicated musical number and were expecting applause.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Pants">> Watching you from across the street is an ork in a well fitting suit. He stands with a pencil tucked behind his ear and a box in his hands staring at you like you had turnips in your ears.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>Watching you from across the street is an ork in a blue dress. She stands with a tube of green paint poised at her lips, staring at you like you had a duck sitting on your head.<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Half">> "Uh..." he says putting down the bucket. <<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Pants">> "Uh..." he says putting down the box.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>"Uh..." she says, lowering the paint from her lips.<<endif>> <<if $GonkPace == "0">> "Why did you jump out of that window? You're not a thief, are you?"<<else>>"Why did you bolt out of that door? You're not a thief, are you?" <<endif>> <<set $met.unshift("street")>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("Hideout") != -1>> !Well you have two Options: * Go back to the library and ask for another receipt or * Go to the secret hideout of Dark Lord, Where he and his cultists will be performing ghastly rituals. Frankly you don't like either one. [[Go to Hideout|ToHide]] [[Go back to library|ToLib]] <<endif>> ---- <<display TalkBystander2>>

The door is locked. <<display Closet2standing>>

Peering through the hole you can see two figures talking in front of a roaring fireplace. One is large and brutish the other cloaked in a black robe. "He doesn't have it! He must have hidden it somewhere." says the black robed one. "Unless..." He turns to the brute. "Did he return it?" "How would I know?" Responds the Brute, "You told me to wap him on the head and bring him here, not conduct an in depth interview about his life." "Damn it Gonk! You fool!" Shrieks The Berobed one "If he returned it, we wouldn't have risk bringing him here! We could have just taken him to the sacrificial pit!" "Well then go check. I'll go ditch the body." responds The brutish one, you infer is named Gonk. [[You hope he's not talking about you|Look Through Hole2]]

"No!" The black robe blurts out. "If he didn't return it, we will need to interrogate him. I'll go check, You get my alter prepared for our sacrifice." "Ok, ok." "And make sure he doesn't escape the dungeon!" "You mean the pantry?" responds Gonk. "It's our dungeon. Not a pantry!" "Look," Says Gonk putting his hands on his hips. "My Grandfather minioned under Dark Lord Uberforth himself. This isn't my first thingy-where-you-grab-a-bull-for-some-reason. If you want to be a real Dark Lord, you're going to have to invest in a real dungeon. not just have me empty the pantry every time you want to lock someone up." "Silence!" Screams black hood. "Who's the Dark Lord here?" Gonk sighs "You are." "That's right!" With that the Hooded man exits followed by Gonk. A moment later you hear a door slam. A moment after that you begin hearing a creaking sound as a loose floor board in the ceiling above you is stepped on. This creaking sound continues periodically. Gonk must be moving things around above you. <<set $GonkPace = "1">> [[How do you get yourself into these messes?|Closet2standing]]

Looking through your pants, jacket, and socks you find: <<print $Inventory>> What do you want to use? <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Panties|Use Panties]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Whiskey|Use Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Shoe|UseShoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Hammer|Use Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Lipstick|Use Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Chequebook|Use Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Coupon|Use Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Rope|Use Rope]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[No Water|Use No Water]]<<endif>>

A pair of Charlie's underwear. This pink lacey undergarment with an elasticated waistband wouldn't cover much and unboutedly wouldn't cover enough. Use Panties with what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Talk to Gonk about Panties|Use Panties on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Use Panties on Whiskey|Use Panties on Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Stick Coin shaped Rocks in Panties|Use Panties on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Use Panties on Shoe|Use Panties on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Write name on Panties with Fountain Pen|Use Panties on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Stick Hammer in Panties|Use Panties on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Use Panties and Lipstick|Use Panties on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Stick blank Cheque in Panties|Use Panties on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Stick Panties in Angry Letter|Use Panties on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Panties|Use Panties on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Use Rope with Panties|Use Rope on Panties]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Panties|Use No Water on Panties]]<<else>><<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

This very expensive whiskey was apparently not the brand that Sam ordered. It has a gold label with a clover emblem. Use Whiskey with what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Offer Whiskey to Gonk|Use Whiskey on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Use Panties on Whiskey|Use Panties on Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Dunk Coin shaped Rocks in Whiskey.|Use Whiskey on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Drink Whiskey from Shoe|Use Whiskey on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Fill Fountain Pen with Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Whiskey bottle with Hammer|Use Whiskey on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Make Lipstick marks on lip of Whiskey bottle.|Use Whiskey on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Get drunk and write Cheques your ass can't cash!|Use Whiskey on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Soak Angry Letter in Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Redeem coupon for Drunken sins|Use Whiskey on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Think of something to do with Rope and Whiskey|Use Rope on Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Drink Whiskey|Use No Water on Whiskey]]<<else>><<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

Someone carved some rocks to resemble coins. You guess that they were trying to scam the wishing fountain. Although you don't know how someone can trick a pool of water. Use Coin shaped Rocks on what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Peg Gonk in the Head with Coin shaped Rocks|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Stick Coin shaped Rocks in Panties|Use Panties on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Dunk Coin shaped Rocks in Whiskey.|Use Whiskey on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Put Rocks in Shoe|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Throw Coin shaped Rocks into Fountain Pen and make a wish!|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash rocks with Hammer|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Use Lipstick to make Coin shaped Rocks look more realistic|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Chequebook|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Use Coin shaped Rocks with Angry Letter|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Coupon|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Use Rope to make a sling for Coin shaped Rocks|Use Rope on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Lick moisture from Coin shaped Rocks|Use No Water on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

It's your left shoe. It fell off when you fell down the stairs. You aren't sure why you didn't just put it back on. [[Put on shoe|Shoe 2]] Use Shoe on what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Show Shoe to Gonk|Use Shoe on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Use Panties on Shoe|Use Panties on Shoe]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Drink Whiskey from Shoe|Use Whiskey on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Put Rocks in Shoe|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Write name on Shoe with Fountain Pen|Use Shoe on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Shoe with Hammer|Use Shoe on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Make Shoe print on Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Coupon]]<<endif>> [[Make Lipstick marks on Shoe|Use Shoe on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Forge Cheque to buy new shoes|Use Shoe on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Replace laces in Shoe with Rope|Use Rope on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Drink from Shoe|Use No Water on Shoe]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

This fountain pen is now empty. You got it for free, but still feel ripped off. Use Fountain Pen with what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Give Autograph to Gonk|Use Fountain Pen on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Write name on Panties with Fountain Pen|Use Panties on Fountain Pen]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Fill Fountain Pen with Whiskey|Use Whiskey on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Throw Coin shaped Rocks into Fountain Pen and make a wish!|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Write name on Shoe with Fountain Pen|Use Shoe on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Fountain Pen with Hammer|Use Fountain Pen on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Forge another Cheque with Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Edit Angry Letter|Use Fountain Pen on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Use Fountain Pen to draw masterpiece of Richard Dawkins on Coupon|Use Fountain Pen on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Write name on Rope with Fountain Pen|Use Rope on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Drink from Fountain Pen|Use No Water on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

If Markus had this hammer, he'd hammer in the morning, he'd hammer in the evening, he'd hammer your face in for stealing his hammer. Use Hammer with what?<<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Smash Gonk in the head|Use Hammer on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Stick Hammer in Panties|Use Panties on Hammer]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Smash Whiskey bottle with Hammer|Use Whiskey on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Smash rocks with Hammer|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Smash Shoe with Hammer|Use Shoe on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Smash Fountain Pen with Hammer|Use Fountain Pen on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Smash Lipstick with Hammer|Use Hammer on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Smash Chequebook with Hammer|Use Hammer on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Smash Angry Letter with Hammer|Use Hammer on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Smash Coupon|Use Hammer on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Hammer out knots on Rope.|Use No Water on Rope]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Lick Hammer|Use No Water on Hammer]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

This tube of lipstick has "engorged passion red" in neat print on the side. [[Look Closer|EyesLipstick]] Use Lipstick on what?<<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Give Gonk a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Use Panties and Lipstick|Use Panties on Lipstick]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Make Lipstick marks on lip of Whiskey bottle.|Use Whiskey on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Use Lipstick to make Coin shaped Rocks look more realistic|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Make Lipstick marks on Shoe|Use Shoe on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Lipstick with Hammer|Use No Water on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Use Lipstick to forge Cheque|Use Lipstick on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Make Lipstick marks on Angry Letter|Use Lipstick on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Give the Coupon a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Lipstick|Use Rope on Lipstick]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Lipstick]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

Judging by the size of the blank amount section Sam doesn't write small checks. Use Chequebook on what?<<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Bribe Gonk|Use Chequebook on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Stick blank Cheque in Panties|Use Panties on Chequebook]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Get drunk and write Cheques your ass can't cash!|Use Whiskey on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Chequebook|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Forge Cheque to buy new shoes|Use Shoe on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Fill Fountain Pen with Lipstick|Use Fountain Pen on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Chequebook with Hammer|Use Hammer on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Use Lipstick to forge Cheque|Use Lipstick on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Send Cheque with Angry letter|Use Chequebook on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Use Chequebook with Coupon|Use Chequebook on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Chequebook|Use Rope on Chequebook]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Chequebook]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

Wow. Sam really doesn't like getting his packages late. Sam's sloppy signature is at the bottom. Use Angry Letter with what?<<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Give Angry Letter to Gonk|Use Angry Letter on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Stick Panties in Angry Letter|Use Panties on Angry Letter]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Sprinkle Whiskey on Angry Letter|Use Whiskey on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Use Coin shaped Rocks with Angry Letter|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Make Shoe print on Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Rewrite Angry Letter with Fountain Pen|Use Fountain Pen on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Angry Letter with Hammer|Use Hammer on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Use Lipstick with Angry Letter|Use Lipstick on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Send Cheque with Angry letter|Use Chequebook on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Angry Letter|Use Rope on Angry Letter]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Angry Letter|Use No Water on Angry Letter]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

It says "Church of the Mighty Ronald. Absolutions: Buy one, get one free." [[Read small print|Coupon2]] Use Coupon on what?<<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Give Coupon to Gonk|Use Coupon on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Panties|Use Panties on Coupon]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Redeem coupon for Drunken sins|Use Whiskey on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Ponder on the connection between Coin shaped Rocks and Coupon|Use Coin shaped Rocks on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Shoe on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Use Fountain Pen to Draw master piece of Richard Dawkins on Coupon|Use Fountain Pen on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Smash Coupon|Use Hammer on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Give the Coupon a makeover!|Use Lipstick on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Use Chequebook with Coupon|Use Chequebook on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Stick Coupon in Angry Letter|Use Angry Letter on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Coupon|Use Rope on Coupon]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Use Coupon to slake thirst|Use No Water on Coupon]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

Whoever tied this rope didn't //earn// their boyscout badges. It's surface area is covered with the previous failed knots. Use rope on what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> [[Use Rope on Hook|Use Rope on Hook]] <<endif>> <<if $inroom.indexOf("Door") != -1>> [[Use Rope on Door|Use Rope on Door]] <<endif>> <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>> [[Use Rope on Gonk|Use Rope on Gonklegs]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Show Rope to Gonk|Use Rope on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Use Rope with Panties|Use Rope on Panties]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Think of something to do with Rope and Whiskey|Use Rope on Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Use Rope to make a sling for Coin shaped Rocks|Use Rope on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Replace laces in Shoe with Rope|Use Rope on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Write name on Rope with Fountain Pen|Use Rope on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Hammer out knots on Rope.|Use Rope on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Lipstick|Use Rope on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Chequebook|Use Rope on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Angry Letter|Use Rope on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Consider the relationship between Rope and Coupon|Use Rope on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("No Water") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Rope|Use No Water on Rope]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

You can't remember the last time you had a nonalcoholic drink. Use No Water on what? <<if $inroom.indexOf("Hook") != -1>> [[Use No Water on Hook]]<<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Door") != -1>> [[Use No Water on Door]]<<endif>> <<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonklegs") != -1>> [[Use Lack of Water on Gonk|Use No Water on Gonklegs]] <<endif>><<if $inroom.indexOf("Gonkhead") != -1>> [[Use No Water on Gonkhead]]<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Panties|Use No Water on Panties]]<<else>><<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Whiskey") != -1>> [[Drink Whiskey|Use No Water on Whiskey]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coin shaped Rocks") != -1>> [[Lick moisture from Coin shaped Rocks|Use No Water on Coin shaped Rocks]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Shoe") != -1>> [[Drink from Shoe|Use No Water on Shoe]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Fountain Pen") != -1>> [[Drink from Fountain Pen|Use No Water on Fountain Pen]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Hammer") != -1>> [[Hit yourself with hammer until you don't feel thirsty anymore.|Use No Water on Hammer]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Lipstick") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Lipstick|Use No Water on Lipstick]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Chequebook") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Chequebook|Use No Water on Chequebook]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Angry Letter") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Angry Letter|Use No Water on Angry Letter]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Coupon") != -1>> [[Use Coupon to slake thirst|Use No Water on Coupon]]<<endif>><<if $Inventory.indexOf("Rope") != -1>> [[Try to suck moisture from Rope|Use No Water on Rope]]<<endif>> <<display Inventory01>>

"Hey Gonk! Got any bottled water?" "What? No!" <<display Inventory01>>

Even is they were freshly laundered; No. <<display Inventory01>>

Getting drunk right now would be a terrible idea. <<display Inventory01>>

The water these rocks were sitting in wasn't fit for human consumtion. <<display Inventory01>>

Ew. Why would you even consider that? <<display Inventory01>>

Fountain ''__Pen__'' <<display Inventory01>>

The sudden desire to pummeling yourself into unconsciousness could be a sign of dehydration. <<display Inventory01>>

You heard a rumor that The average woman swallows six pounds of lipstick during her lifetime, but you assume that was unintentional. Generally it isn't a good idea to intentionally do what others only do by accident. <<display Inventory01>>

You really shouldn’t forge anymore cheques. Especially to buy a drink. <<display Inventory01>>

Even if Sam was spitting mad while writing this, you wouldn't want to drink Sam's spit. <<display Inventory01>>

Well, I guess you could fold it into a drinking cup and- No!-No! That's a stupid idea! <<display Inventory01>>

That's a great idea! Suck moisture from a mankey old rope! That was sarcasm. <<display Inventory01>>

<<if $forcedm is "0">> "Hey Gonk! You are terrible at tying ropes!" "You're terrible at insulting people" He's got you there. <<display Thereturnkey>> <<else>> "Hey Gonk." You call out. "Did you know that I have unfettered access to your groin and a piece of knotted up rope?" Gonk stops kicking. "what." "How about you pass me that key and I don't go all Mexican kid with a piñata on your breadbasket." "Uh...Go ahead" Gonk says lazily swinging his legs. "....I don't have any genitalia." [[What?!?|Gonkballs1]] <<endif>>

"Hey Gonk. You are terrible at tying ropes." "You're terrible at insulting people" He's got you there. <<display Inventory>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You aren't into the kinky stuff. <<display Inventory01>>

You could wrap the bottle in the rope to conceal it while you drink in public. Except Goldenport has no public drinking laws, and you aren't a big drinker. <<display Inventory01>>

That would make a terrible sling. <<display Inventory01>>

The Rope is too thick to use as laces. <<display Inventory01>>

If there were ink left you could write your name on this rope. Then it really would be your rope. But alas you must remain only the technical owner of a rope. <<display Inventory01>>

Sometimes your dad would untie hard knots by hitting them with a hammer. You briefly try, and hit your thumb. <<display Inventory01>>

Anylist of objects that include Lipstick and Rope, isn't a list you don't want to see. <<display Inventory01>>

Rope, Tight Rope, Balencing on a tight rope, Balencing a chequebook! Oh my GOD! it's all connected. Wait. No. That's stupid. <<display Inventory01>>

Sam might beat //you// with a piece of rope if you don't deliver this. <<display Inventory01>>

Most religions tie people down to get them to confess. The Church of the Mighty Ronald just offers Forgiveness for a Fee. <<display Inventory01>>

You pull out the Panties. "You don't need to brag!" Gonk spits. "What?" You say confused. "Look I've heard that you're boinking the bartender at //The Royal Riches//. You don't need to go around showing trophies of your conquests to everyone." "I-" You stammer. "I'm not //boinking// Charlie!" "I've been following you for a while." Gonk says with a knowing look. "You keep going in and out of her room." "She's a friend! She lets me sleep in her room." "Sure" Gonk winks. "I'm not sleeping with her. I'm sleeping...__adjacent__ to her." "Oh! 'jacent. Is that what you kids are calling it these days?" You give up on trying to convince him. <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Drink and loose women are pollutants of the soul. Well you don't drink, and the woman is so loose she escaped her undergarments. Maybe we'll call it a draw. <<display Inventory01>>

This would be more fun if these rocks were shaped like dollar bills and the panties were in use. You try it anyway. <<display Inventory01>>

You don't have any kind of foot fetish. <<display Inventory01>>

If you write your name on them, then people will think they are yours. <<display Inventory01>>

Markus has been trying to months to get his hammer in Charlie's Panties, But not like //that//. <<display Inventory01>>

These are both Charlie's but you don't think she'd like them mixed up together. <<display Inventory01>>

Using a blank cheque to tip a stripper would give the universe card blanc to make your life hell. ...Not that Charlie is a stripper! <<display Inventory01>>

That might send mixed messeges. <<display Inventory01>>

It would be incredibly cheap/self-righteous to stick a Coupon to a Church in a woman's underwear. <<display Inventory01>>

"You want a drink Gonk?" "Nah! I never touch the stuff." Gonk says. "You never know when you're gonna have to kidnap a princess or steal a holy relic." <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Really? Just to make a bad pun? [[What pun?|WhiskeyRocks]] <<display Inventory01>>

You've heard of people drinking from footwear. Generally it's champagne from lady's slippers, not 320 proof Whiskey from an old tennis shoe. <<display Inventory01>>

Even if you knew how to refill this pen, it would probably just misspell everything. <<display Inventory01>>

Getting smashed means something else. <<display Inventory01>>

That //would// be good way of preventing strangers from drinking from it. But it would also encourage random perverts to lick it. So, no. <<display Inventory01>>

You can do that without getting drunk. <<display Inventory01>>

Maybe if to sprinkle some whiskey on this letter, it would offer an explanation for why it's so hateful. But then again, you don't want to be arrested for mail tampering. <<display Inventory01>>

This coupon isn't redeemable for debauchery. <<display Inventory01>>

You plink a couple rocks off of Gonk's face. "Don't you have something better to do?" <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Do people //try// to put rocks in their shoe? <<display Inventory01>>

Fountain __Pen__. Also wishes aren't real. <<display Inventory01>>

Oh boy! Manual labor that is associated with prison time! It must be your birthday! <<display Inventory01>>

You don't know of any coin that is "engorged passion red" <<display Inventory01>>

Fake coins and Conceptual money. Together for the first time! <<display Inventory01>>

You don't know if trying this letter to a rock and delivering it through a window could make it more hateful. <<display Inventory01>>

Forged coins and Coupons; both are fake money. One has actual value. After all, rocks work as ballast. <<display Inventory01>>

You really want to ruin expensive whiskey just so you can say, "Scotch on the Rocks". It isn't even Scotch! <<display Inventory01>>

You slip the shoe back on. After taking one step you you yelp out. Pulling from the soul of the shoe is a tack with a piece of paper stuck to it. This must have been the reason you fell down the stairs. You crupmle up the tack into the paper and throw them both away. <<set $inventory.splice($inventory.indexOf("Shoe"), 1)>> <<display Inventory01>>

You hold your shoe up for Gonk to see. He looks from you hand to your foot and back. "Why are you carrying your shoe around?" Without an adiquiete responce, you put your shoe away. <<display UseShoe>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

That way people will know it's yours. Then again the cops might find it and use the scent to track you down. <<display Inventory01>>

I guess that would be preferable to smashing your toes. Then again...why? <<display Inventory01>>

Defacing this letter wont make it less hatefull. <<display Inventory01>>

I haven't fixed this. Mostly because I cannot think of something funny to do with a shoe and a coupon Any ideas? <<display Thereturnkey>>

No one would believe that people kiss your feet. <<display Inventory01>>

You're in this mess because Sam bought you new shoes! You don't want to see how it would get worse if you steal from him for more! <<display Inventory01>>

"Hey Gonk! Want me to sign your face?" "Hey Jonas! Want me to pull out your intestenes?" "No." <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Getting ripped off is no reason to resort to violence. <<display Inventory01>>

Even if you knew how to refill it, The lipstick is too thick to be usefull. <<display Inventory01>>

You should limit the ammount of fellonies you commit per day. Also the pen is empty. <<display Inventory01>>

You don't have the skills to make this letter less hatefulled. <<display Inventory01>>

# That is considered Blasphemy. # You don't know how to draw. # You don't know how to draw Richard Dawkins. # No one would recognize who he is. # You suspect it would render the coupon irredeemable. <<display Inventory01>>

[[Use Shoe on Coupon]]

You hit Gonk squarely in the forehead with all your weight. Unmoved Gonk says "Are you done? Get that out of your system?" Supremely worried, you put the hammer away. <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Passion is one thing, but this is ridicules. <<display Inventory01>>

That's not the way to break the bank! <<display Inventory01>>

It's true. Anger begets Anger. <<display Inventory01>>

Wraith is one of the seven deadly sins and unfortunately this coupon wouldn't be useful for that. <<display Inventory01>>

On the bottom is an emblem with a pair of lips. Eaither this is a comment on the intelligence of their customers or it has a meaning that Jonas doesn't know. <<display Inventory01>>

You move to apply lipstick to Gonk. "Hey kid! I don't know what you heard but I ain't that kind of Ork!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah" Gonk says squarely. "I'm the bite your fingers off kind!" You deside against digit loss. <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You doubt anyone would believe that Sam Ravenoir signs his cheques with cheap lipstick. <<display Inventory01>>

Ending this hatefilled letter with a kiss would send mixed messages. <<display Inventory01>>

The colors would clash. Also that would be considered Blasphemy and unfortunately you suspect it would render the coupon irredeemable. <<display Inventory01>>

"Hey Gonk! How about I write a number on here with //sooooo// big that you forget about this whole try to kill me thing?" "Hey KID! I'm a professtional. I have standerds! There are line you don't cross and accepting bribes is one of them." Gonk says indignetly. "Also I know you're poor. You don't have enough to bribe anyone." "It's not my money. It's Sam Ravenoir's" "Holy Crap kid! I may be working for The Dark lord of an apocolypse cult but I'm not stupid enough to except money from Sam Ravenoir!" You get a sinking feeling in your chest. <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Sending a hatefilled letter with a cheques is a great way to send mixed messages or the worst birthday card ever. <<display Inventory01>>

I doubt that the Church of the Mighty Ronald would accept cheques from you. <<display Inventory01>>

"What do I look like? a Mailbox?" <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

That would just be adding insult to...further insult. <<display Inventory01>>

It says buy one blasphemy absolution get one adultery for free. Only available at participating temples. Not applicable with adultery of up to 4 partners or more. They must be having trouble moving the surplus blasphemy absolutions. <<display Inventory01>>

"No thanks kid. At my age, I'm lucky if I can even muster the energy to commit adultery." <<display Inventory01>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

Yeah

Fix This.

There isn't enough condensation to drink off of that hook. <<display Inventory01>>

You doubt that door would lead to a refrigerator. <<display Inventory01>>

"Hey Gonk! Got any bottled water?" "What? No!" <<display Inventory01>>

<<if $GonkPace == 0>> You lasso the Rope on the Hook. Yay! You marvel at your handiwork. If you hadn't come around and found this rope this rope wouldn't be wrapped around this random hook in a closet. Well that's enough of that. You take the rope back <<display Inventory01>> <<else>>You sling your Rope over the hook on the ceiling. Waiting until you hear Gonk step on the loose floorboard, you jump with all your weight onto the rope. The combined weight of you and the massive Gonk, causes a mighty crack. [[Uh oh|toDCloset]] <<endif>>

You smack the door with the rope. It makes a "Whomp" noise. <<display Inventory01>>

For a brief moment your vision is filled falling debris. You are starting to think that collapsing the roof above you was a bad idea. [[No kidding|Destroyed closetintro]]

For a brief moment as the broken floorboards fall on your head, your vision is filled with swinging feet. As the dust clears, you regain your senses [[Ouch|Destroyed closet]]

<<if $forcedm is "0">>"Hey Gonk!" "Hey!" Gonk cries angrily "What are you doing?" "It's me! Jonas Mallory. The guy you wapped on the head and threw in this closet?" "I know it's //you.// Who else would it be?" "I was just wondering if you could get me out of here?" "When I get out of here I'm going to pulling your arms out through your nose!" "That seems excessive. Come on man be a sport and let me out." "Even if I were inclined to help release my prisoner for no reason, I am trapped in this rather INCONVENIENT HOLE IN THE FLOOR!" "It's really more like a hole in the ceiling." "ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO ARGUE SEMANTICS WITH ME?" "You're trapped in the ceiling; I'm trapped in a closet. We don't really have anything better to do. And since I made the hole, I should be able to decide what to call it." "When I get out of this hole I'm going to bash your face into a meat grinder!" "Unless there is a meat grinder very cleverly hidden in here you're going to have to postpone your threats. If you wiggle free you'll be just as locked in this closet as me." "I have the key you moron! Even if I didn't, I would just make a new door with your head!" "Um... could you pass me that key?" "NO!" <<else>> "Are you sure I can't have that key?" "There isn't anything you could say to make me give you this key" <<endif>> <<set $forcedm = "1">> <<display Thereturnkey>>

<<nobr>><<if $where.indexOf("badcloset") != -1>> [[Back|Closet2standing]] <<endif>> <<if $where.indexOf("destroyedcloset") != -1>> [[Back|Destroyed closet]] <<endif>> <<if $where.indexOf("Attic") != -1>> [[Back|CultistAttic]] <<endif>> <<if $where.indexOf("OutOttic") != -1>> [[Back|OutsidetheHouse]] <<endif>><<endnobr>>

<<nobr>> <<set $inroom to []>> <<set $inroom.push("Gonkhead", "Altar", "Window")>> <<set $where = "Attic">> <<endnobr>> The attic is quite a bit fancier than any house Jonas has ever lived, or at least it was before Jonas broke a hole in the floor and stuffed an Angry orc in it. <<if $met.indexOf("Gonk") != -1>> <<else>>“Hi Gonk” Gonk stares at you from his vantage point near the floor. He sighs ”Hi Jonas.”<<endif>> <<set $met.push("Gonk")>> Looking around the attic you see a bulletin board covered in papers and string in a conspiracy theorists’ wet dream. In one corner is a altar with black candles. across the room is a small table under a window.<<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>><<else>>On the table is a pile of garbage.<<endif>> <<if $Inventory.indexOf("Panties") != -1>> [[Leave through Window|Out Window]] [[Leave through Door|Out Door]]<<endif>> <<actions "Look at Bulletin board" "Look at table">> [[Look at Altar]] [[Talk to Gonk|TalkGonkhead]] <<display DoStuff>>

"You don't have genitals?" you say disbelievingly. "Nope." Gonk Continues "We Orks are a-uh what do you call it? Plants." "Plants have genitals." You state simply. "What?" "Flowers are a plant's genitals." "Gross... " Gonk pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts "No the other things...you know they are in caves and on pizzas." "...Mushrooms?" "Yeah!" You cross your arms, not that Gonk can see you. "You're saying you're a fungus?" "Yes, we reproduce with spores. Therefore, no genitals." You stop to think about this for a moment "I don't believe you." "Why not?" [[I've seen Half-Orks.|Half-Ork]] [[I've seen Ork women.|Fem-Ork]] [[Why do you wear pants?|Pants-Ork]]

"I've seen half-orks running around, Therefore orks can crossbreed with humans, therefore Orks have genitals." "No you've seen ugly humans and given them the racist moniker of Half-Ork."<<set $bystander2 = "Half">> [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

"I've seen Ork women. Therefore you have males and females, therefore you have genitals." "No you've seen Orks with qualities you label as feminine because of your patriarchal obsession with anti-asexuality." "That's an awful lot of multisyllabic words." "Well that's just straight up racist." <<set $bystander2 = "Woman">> [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

"Why would you wear pants unless you had something to cover up?" "You humans get agitated by the sight of genital free abdomens, because of your obsession with racial homogeny." "That's an awful lot of multisyllabic words." "Well that's just straight up racist." <<set $bystander2 = "Pants">> [[I still don't believe you|Gonkballs2]]

You tap your foot for a moment. "I think you're lying." "Am not!" "I think you just don't want me to hit you in the testes with a rope." "If you hit me it will do nothing but make me angry!" "You're already going to shove my face into a meat grinder. I'm kinda maxed out on threats." You ready the rope in one hand. "Ok either you have no genitals and this is just going to make my future death slightly more painful, or you do have genitals and //you're// going to be in a lot of pain." "Nope! I got no genitals!" Gonk crosses his legs. You walk around to the unblocked side of Gonk's groin. "I'm doing the courtesy of warning you that the hook that was in this room is embedded in this rope. So this knotted rope is tipped with a metal hook." "WAIT!" You pause for a moment. Gonk shuffles around for a moment and drops a key onto the floor. "There! This job ain't worth that!" You pick up the key. "Thanks Gonk. I didn't want to have to break your family jewels. Do you have any idea where you put my stuff when you attacked me?" "Yeah yeah. It's all up here in the attic. Take a right and in the library pull on the red book on the third bookcase to the left. You can't miss it." You use the key to open the door and you're off. [[To The Attic!]]

The house is quite a bit fancier than any house Jonas has ever lived. It reeks of old money and expensive cigars. If Jonas didn’t know its owner was a dark lord who tried to kill him over a library book, he would have stuck around and seen if there was any good food in the kitchen. Mindful of the impending doom he makes his way to the hidden door. [[To the Attic!|Cultist Attic1]]

<<display CultistAttic>>

Holding you hands across your head you leap through the closed window. Glass shatters as you barrel through the air. <<set $GonkPace = "0">> You suddenly realize this was a terrible idea. Luckily for your sleeve catches on the little balcony outside the window. This swings you around and you hit your head on the balcony’s railing. Your sleeve unhooks from the balcony and you tumble towards the ground. Just as your body twists towards the sky you notice that the little balcony has a small ladder leading to the street. You wish you had notice that before you jumped out the window. As you notice that, your pant leg catches the corner of a carriage parked in front of the home. you smack your head on the carriage door and fall to the ground. [[Ow.|OutsidetheHouse]]

You rush out the door <<set $GonkPace = "1">> <<display OutsidetheHouse>>

It looks like there was a sale at the creepy crap store. There are skulls that you hope are either from large monkeys or plastic molds, the melted stubs of black wax candles, and puddles of congealed reddish residue that you'd rather not know about on every square inch of this roughly carved stone altar. <<display Thereturnkey>>

[[Greet|Greet Gonk]] <<actions "Ask Gonk why he hit you" "Ask Gonk about Altar" "Ask Gonk About Bulletin Board">> <<display Thereturnkey>>

You don’t want to know what sort of madness would drive someone to play cat’s cradle with a map of the city and a scrapbook of architecture pictures. You recognize a drawing of The Ravenoir Manor stapled to what looks like a floor plan, A picture of the Library, a series of drawings of squid-spiders(Squiders?), and… Moving one of the Squiders, you find a picture of yourself. Out of all the pictures on this board, your picture has the most strings leading to and coming from it. Maybe you should get out of here. <<display Thereturnkey>>

It’s just a bunch of garbage...Wait! That’s your stuff! You require: A pair of pink panties, A bottle of whiskey, A handful of coin shaped rocks, Your right shoe, An empty fountain pen, A hammer, A tube of lipstick, Sam Ravenoir’s chequebook, A coupon for Sin absolutions An angry letter from Sam, <<set $Inventory.unshift("Panties", "Whiskey", "Coin shaped Rocks", "Shoe", "Fountain Pen", "Hammer", "Lipstick", "Chequebook", "Coupon", "Angry Letter")>> [[Wait a minute…|Ask about receipt]]

You turn to Gonk “Is this all my stuff?” Gonk shrugs “Well I threw away some pamphlet with woodcuts of drunk people” “What about the receipt? From the library?” “I can’t read, but there was something with the library sigil on it. It should be in with the rest of you junk.” You bark exasperatedly “Well it’s not here!” “Hey calm down it’s just paper.” You start to hyperventilate “I need that receipt or Sam Ravenoir will __kill me!__” "Well the master might have taken it. He was headed to the library to check out that book you had. Maybe he needed the receipt?” “Great just great.” You rub your eyes. “Now I got to go back to that hellhole!” “Hey!” Gonk screams offended “Language!” <<display Thereturnkey>>

"Hi Gonk!" You wave. Gonk sighs. "Hi Jonas." <<display TalkGonkhead>>

"What's with the failed scrapbook?" You gesture to the bulletin board. "Oh, that's where the master figures everything out. He makes connections that no one else would. That's how he was able to find the book." "What's with the weird spider thingys?" "I think they're supposed to be squids." Gonk furrows his brow. "He ain't the best at drawing." <<display TalkGonkhead>>

“Why did you knock me out and throw me into that closet?” Gonk stammers for a moment “Uh, ‘Cus the boss wanted you brought here.” “Well, you could have just ask me to come." You rub your head exasperatedly. "No need to get violent.” Gonk gives you a patronizing glance. “Look kid, I know you are new to the game. But my family has been in the minioning biz for over seven generations. And when a “Dark Lord” orders you to bring him a Hero, you better knock that muzda out." He tries to shrug."It’s basic procedure.” <<display DarkLordHero>>

<<nobr>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("Hero") != -1>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("Dark Lord") != -1>> <<display Thereturnkey>> <<else>> <<actions "Dark Lord?" "Hero?">> <<endif>> <<else>> <<actions "Dark Lord?" "Hero?">> <<endif>> <<endnobr>>

"Why did you wiggle like you were making air quotes when you said 'Dark Lord'"? Gonk groans. “Ok kid I’m gonna let you in on a secret. This 'Dark Lord' is kinda...bad.” You roll your eyes. “Really. The 'Dark Lord' is a bad guy. You don’t say.” “No, no. I mean he’s not very good at being a Dark Lord. I mean just because some guy has delusions of grandeur and a fancy black cloak, he thinks he can command his own apocalypse cult. This new guy just doesn’t have what it takes.” You let out a relieved sigh “Good, I prefer to tangle with losers.” Gonk shakes his head, “He’s no loser. He’s got the know-how. He figured out where the necrotelecomnicon was //and// he almost got it. He could definitely could make the sky rain fire //and// kill the crap out of a Hero like you. His problem is he doesn’t have any vision. He doesn’t have the kind of madness needed to be a dark lord. He’s just...an asshole.” <<set $talkedabout.unshift("Dark Lord")>> <<display DarkLordHero>>

“Did you call me a Hero?” “Yeah, //you’re// the Hero.” “I’m not a //Hero//.” “Yeah you are.” “No I’m //not//.” “Yeah you are.” [[No! I AM NOT!|Hero2]]

“Hey, you stand alone against a powerful villain...That means you are a hero.” “Hey, Hey!” You wave your hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I’m not standing against anything. I’m just trying to keep my head down and not die.” “Well if you’re not trying to get killed. You really shouldn’t go around pissing off 'Dark Lords'.” <<set $talkedabout.unshift("Hero")>> <<display DarkLordHero>>

"What's with the creepy altar thing?" "That's the master's altar. He makes sacrifices there when he doesn't have time to go to the inner sanctum." Gonk thinks for a moment. "I guess it's a form of telecommuting." <<display TalkGonkhead>>

Oh you're feeling brave? That wasn't sarcasm. [[Thanks.|Outhideout]]

Oh you're feeling brave? That was sarcasm. [[Thanks.|ToLib2]]

The North GoldenPort Royal Library. Its Cold Stone Walls are no more comfort than they were hours ago. And neither is the librarian. After several minutes of begging you not only don't have a fresh copy of your receipt, but you are also banned for life. You hope someone else will pay off your fines for you. Nothing left to do but... [[Sigh|Outhideout]]

Dusk begins to set in as you make your way to Sapphire Street. Sapphire Street is the shortest street that goes directly from the docks to the city gates, so it’s always in use by those looking to slip out of town or out to sea without being seen. After walking around for what seems like hours you find the Softer Beard, nestled in between a rat trap store and a low rent butcher shop. Noticing a small alley connecting leading around behind the bar you squeeze through and come to a forgotten back alley. Well not completely forgotten. On a nondescript warehouse with a single door. On the door is, if you had a better vocabulary you would know as a Judas Window but because you don't you think of as a 'Old timey peephole.' Taking a chance you knock on the door. Through the Judas Window you see a shadow peer through. "What's the password?" <<display PasswordOptions>>

<<nobr>><<if $bystander2 == "Half">>[[Look at...man?|Use Eyes on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>[[Look at well dressed ork|Use Eyes on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>[[Look at orcish woman|Use Eyes on Bystander2]]<<endif>><<endnobr>> <<nobr>><<if $bystander2 == "Half">>[[Talk to...man?|Use Mouth on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>[[Talk to well dressed ork|Use Mouth on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>[[Talk to orcish woman|Use Mouth on Bystander2]]<<endif>><<endnobr>> <<nobr>><<if $bystander2 == "Half">>[[Take bucket from...man?|Use Hands on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>[[Feel the fabric of the dressed ork's suit|Use Hands on Bystander2]]<<endif>> <<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>[[Touch orcish woman|Use Hands on Bystander2]]<<endif>><<endnobr>>

Fix This.

“Um, forgive me if this offends you but uh...are you a half ork?” "No I'm just holding this persecuted position in society for my health.” He responds resentfully. “Sorry it’s just that someone told me their were no Half-Orks. Only ugly humans that-” “Now you’re calling me ugly! You sure have a way with words. I’m so glad that you hold a higher position on the urban class structure for the simple fact that your daddy never got all hot and bothered by a buxom orcish lass! I’m //so// glad you get to spend your time<<if $GonkPace == "0">> JUMPING OUT OF WINDOWS and<<endif>> running ALL around in the rich side of town. While I’m stuck lugging around buckets of tSerkt!” “I-I’m sorry.” “Well...you should be.” He calms down "Sorry, I'm a passionate man. I get it from my father." "Well orks //are// a passionate people." He stares at you. "My mother was orcish. My father was human." "Uh..." You stammer sheepishly. "Sorry, uh...again." <<display Thereturnkey>>

"What are you doing here?" <<if $bystander2 == "Half">>"I’m a dunnakin diver." He says gesturing to the stains on his clothes. "I just finished mucking out the honey bucket of some posh knob, too cheap to get on the mains." You consider asking what those words mean, But the smell wafting off of him convinces you not too.<<endif>><<if $bystander2 == "Pants">>“I just finished mending a suit for Mr Vestamir over there,” He gestures to the building behind him. “But he wanted me to send a //human// delivery boy. When //I// came to the door, his butler sent me away. So I’m going to stand out here until he realizes that I’m not going to give him the suit through some pink-skinned middleman...No offense.” “None taken. Do you really think you can wait him out?” “Definitely.” He smiles. “He’ll eventually realize he left his mistress’ letters in the pocket. Then he’ll be begging for me to give back his suit before his wife returns and asks why I’m standing on her doorstep.” <<endif>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

"I heard a rumor that Ork's only wore pants to cover their lack of genitals." "Whoever told you that is a moron. If that were true I would save a fortune on undergarments." <<display Thereturnkey>>

<<nobr>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("Farthings") != -1>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("OrkMate") != -1>> <<display Thereturnkey>> <<else>> <<actions "Aren`t Farthings small?" "Fun?">> <<endif>> <<else>> <<actions "Aren`t Farthings small?" "Fun?">> <<endif>> <<endnobr>>

"I heard a rumor that there were no ork women." You say sheepishly. "That's a strange pick up line." She replies. "No!" You stammer, shocked. "I just meant, They said that orks didn't have sexes and I was curious if that was in anyway true." "No you see," She continues smiling. "You should say. 'I heard that Ork women don't have sex. How about you and I go somewhere comfortable, and you repeatedly proove me wrong.' That would a better pick up line. Although it's a bit of a mouthful." She raises her eyebrows "Then again, I am partial to a good mouthful." You stammer and take a step backwards. <<display Thereturnkey>>

What are you doing here? “I had a date with a Farthing boy just down the way. But when his parents saw me, it was all ‘Cut you out of the will’ and ‘Be gone foul beast!’ So I’m suddenly free tonight.” Her voice suddenly turns sultry. “You doing anything...//fun//?” <<display OrkLadyFun>>

Fix This.

<<if $bystander2 == "Woman">>"Have you seen any guys wearing dark hoods?" "Yeah, people tend to wear them when the weather gets chilly." She says matter-of-factly. “I mean //recently//.” "Well a couple of guys in dark hoods were going into that house you just came <<if $GonkPace == "0">>//flying//<<else>> bolting<<endif>> out of, but then another guy in a black hood came running up to them, said something, and they all left together. Is that what you mean?” "Did they you overhear what they said?" "What do you think I’m some sort of snoop?!" "I was //hoping// you were." you say sheepishly. "Then you are in luck!" She says with a bright smile. "They said 'The master has it! We’re meeting up behind the Softer Beard'." "Where’s that?" "It’s a Dwarven Bar on Sapphire Street." "Did you see if one of them were carrying a receipt?" "Yes because I have the miraculous ability to see into people's pockets and identify receipts from several yards away." She says. "That was something we orcish individuals call //Sarcasm.//" <<else>>"Have you seen any guys wearing dark hoods?" "Yeah, people tend to wear them when the weather gets chilly." He says matter-of-factly. “I mean //recently//.” "Well a couple of guys in dark hoods were going into that house you just came <<if $GonkPace == "0">>//flying//<<else>> bolting<<endif>> out of, but then another guy in a black hood came running up to them, said something, and they all left together. Is that what you mean?” "Did they you overhear what they said?" "What do you think I’m some sort of snoop?!" "I was //hoping// you were." you say sheepishly. "Then you are in luck!" He says with a smirk. "They said 'The master has it! We’re meeting up behind the Softer Beard'." "Where’s that?" "It’s a Dwarven Bar on Sapphire Street." "Did you see if one of them were carrying a receipt?" "Yes because I have the miraculous ability to see into people's pockets and identify receipts from several yards away." He says. "That was something we orcish individuals call //Sarcasm.//" <<endif>> <<set $talkedabout.unshift("Hideout")>> <<display Thereturnkey>>

"Aren`t Farthings small?" Trying to picture an Orcish woman on a date with a Farthing man is hard to wrap your head around. "I mean...uh the size difference." "Yes but they have very nimble fingers." She smiles. "But I could be persuaded to take a more full sized friend if you have any //fun// ideas." <<set $talkedabout.unshift("Farthings")>><<display OrkLadyFun>>

"Uh...Fun?" <<if $GonkPace == "0">> "Yeah, you prefer to exit a building through the window. You must be absolutely //wild//. Just a pent up ball of passion ready to burst. Trust me I can match you step for step." <<endif>> You’ve heard rumors about ork mating practices and you bruise easily. Besides if you don’t find the receipt soon then Sam Ravenoir will do much more than bruise you. “Sorry I’m uh...busy.” “Maybe next time.” She gives you a wink. <<set $talkedabout.unshift("OrkMate")>><<display OrkLadyFun>>

---- [[Swordfish]] [[It’s a cold day out for pontooning|Codeword]] [[Please?|Magic Word]] [[The password is Password|Password]] [[It’s a secret handshake|Handshake]]

"Swordfish" "Swordfish?" "Swordfish." "Not...Marlin?" "Uh..." You hesitate. "It //could// be Marlin." "Well is it Marlin? or Swordfish?" "Marlin." "Nope." "Swordfish?" "Nope" He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

Using your best cold war espionage voice you lean in close to the door. "It's a cold day out for pontooning." "No it's not. Pontooning is a sport for the hardy fellow. The cold shouldn't bother you if you are a real pontoonsmen." "Uh..." "Sorry, My dad use to own a pontoon shop so I'm kinda uptight about that." "That was supposed to be the password." "Oh...no it's not." He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"Please?" "Thomas? Is that you?" He obviously can't see through the hole very well. "I told you last week you need to remember the Password. The Master said that if I let you in without it one more time he'll roast my figgin on a spike." "Uh...Please?" "Come back when you remember the password Thomas." He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"The Password is...Password." "You moron! That was last week's password!" He slides the shutter closed. [[Knock on door again|Knock on door]]

"That's a trick question. The Password is a secret handshake." "Hmm." He deliberates a moment."I hadn't heard we were switching to the handshake." "Just talked to Gonk. He says it's the handshake for now, until we get everything in order." "Well... Gonk always had a good head for minioning. Hold on." He closes the Judas Window. After many locks noisily unlatched, he opens the door. Standing in a dark robe he looks you up and down. "Where's your robe?" "Uh..I got mustard on it." "The Master will not like seeing you outside of your robe." "//I'll// worry about that" You start to make your way to the door. "Wait! The handshake!" He barks. "Oh right." [[Raise your hand|Handshake2]]

You raise your hand. He raises his expectantly. [[Stick Hand in pocket|Handshake3]]

You stick your hand in your pocket. He does the same. [[Bow|Handshake4]]

You lean forward. He leans forward. [[Use Hammer with Doorman|Handshake5]]

You grab the Hammer and give the Door Watching cultist and ''Whack'' on the head. He crumples to the ground. "Sorry" You say sheepishly. Stepping over his hopefully //unconscious// body, You enter the door. Just through the door is a musty corridor. Dark and unkempt it leads to a basement door. Mustering all of your courage you open the door and continue. [[Here goes nothing|CultBasementCorridor]]

This corridor only gets mustier as it descends. You can hear in the distance a low eerie chanting. Turning down the last little twist you enter a large sub-basement lit by Black Candles. Weight bearing posts hold up rotted beams and a forgotten cob-webbed filled elevator shaft is tucked into the corner. Someone welded several swords in the shape of a spider, and hung them on the wall. Seven people in black robes stand in a circle chanting. In the center, eldritch sigils of multi-legged creatures disemboweling each other have been carved. [[...Gross|StartledCult1]]

On a nondescript warehouse with a single door. On the door is, if you had a better vocabulary you would know as a Judas Window but because you don't you think of as a 'Old timey peephole.' Taking a chance you knock on the door. Through the Judas Window you see a shadow peer through. "What's the password?" <<display PasswordOptions>>

One of the black robes is standing in front of an altar with The Book resting in front of him. He holds a dagger in one hand and is chanting at a faster pace. He stops chanting and points at you. “You!” He screams. “Hey.” You smile apologetically. “I was wondering if I could have my receipt back?” “Such impudence!” He points his dagger at you. “You’ve been a thorn in my side for too long!” “Look,” You shrug. “I have nothing against you or your little party down here. Just give me the receipt and I’ll go and you guys can go back to singing and quoting clichés.” “Keep chanting my brothers!“ Says the one with the dagger that you guess is the ‘Dark Lord’. “It looks like our sacrifice has delivered himself.” The dark lord picks up his dagger, produces an axe in his other hand, and comes towards you. <<set $talkDL == 0>> [[Uh Oh|CultFightGeneral]]

<<if $CulistsKilled == 1>><<display RitualEnd>><<else>>The Dark Lord is coming towards you wielding a Silver Dagger and a Large Hand Axe. Around you weight bearing posts hold up rotted beams<<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultAxe") != -1>>,more the worse for wear by you climbing on them. Just under one is the cultist with the freshly split skull<<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultFall") != -1>>. A forgotten filled elevator shaft, freshly cleaned of cobwebs by the body of a cultist, <<else>>. A forgotten cob-webbed filled elevator shaft<<endif>> is tucked into the corner. Someone weilded several swords in the shape of a spider<<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultSkewer") != -1>> and stupidly hung them on the wall. A third someone got skewered by the previous someone's stupidity. <<else>> and hung them on the wall.<<endif>> <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultFire") != -1>> The still burning body of a cultist smolders to the side. You hope, for his sake, that he's dead. <<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultStab") != -1>> Blood from the slashed cultist is flowing into the sigils. <<endif>>The <<print $CulistsKilled>> other Cultists continue their chanting. ---- <<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultStab") != -1>><<else>> [[Dodge Right|CultStab]]<<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultFall") != -1>><<else>> [[Roll Left|CultFall]]<<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultFire") != -1>><<else>> [[Duck|CultFire]]<<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultSkewer") != -1>><<else>> [[Jump|CultSkewer]]<<endif>><<if $talkedabout.indexOf("CultAxe") != -1>><<else>> [[Climb Beam|CultAxe]]<<endif>><<endif>>

You shift around the room, trying to keep the Dark Lord far away from you.<<display TalkDarkCult>> and lunges toward you. You dodge to the right. His undirected slash hits one of the cultists to the side. As you turn to face the Dark Lord again, you see the slashed cultist fall to the ground, his blood pooling around him. <<set $talkedabout.unshift("CultStab")>><<set $CulistsKilled -= 1>> [[Ow|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark Lord starts to back you into a a corner.<<display TalkDarkCult>> and leaps forward with a kick. You roll to the left. His haphazard kick knocks one of the cultists into the abandoned elevator shaft. As you stand and face the Dark Lord again you can still hear the rapidly descending scream. <<set $talkedabout.unshift("CultFall")>><<set $CulistsKilled -= 1>> [[Uh Oh|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark lord starts to move you into the center of the room right over the sigils <<display TalkDarkCult>> and takes a slash at you. You duck and his arm knocks one of the black candles into a cultist. Whatever their robes are made of must be really //really// flammable. He begins screaming and flailing about. You use the distraction to put some distance between you and the Dark Lord. The Flaming Cultist screams and runs about for quite a long time before he runs headlong into a beam and collapses silently. After that, the only sounds he makes is the crackling of flames. <<set $talkedabout.unshift("CultFire")>><<set $CulistsKilled -= 1>> [[You hope you can get the smell out of your clothes|CultFightGeneral]]

The Dark Lord backs you into a wall <<display TalkDarkCult>> and Swings his axe at you. You jump over his swing and it thwacks into the wall. As he tries to pull the axe out, you make some distance between you two. He kicks the wall to free his axe. The old nails that hold the Sword spider(Swider?) to the wall lose their battle with vibration. The Swider leaps from the wall and skewers a cultist.<<set $talkedabout.unshift("CultSkewer")>><<set $CulistsKilled -= 1>> [[That's why you don't stand under orimental swords|CultFightGeneral]]

You jump up and grab the one of the beams scrambling up and resting for a moment. <<display TalkDarkCult>> and throws his axe at you. You fall down off the beam, narrowly missing the axe. The axe arches in the air, and hits a cultist in the face. You fall face first onto the stone floor. Without a second thought, The Dark lord roughly pulls his axe out of his brother's face and turns to you. <<set $talkedabout.unshift("CultAxe")>><<set $CulistsKilled -= 1>> [[That's Cold|CultFightGeneral]]

<<if $talkDL == 0>>"Look Man, I don't want trouble I just really need that receipt." "I am no man! I am A harbinger of DOOM!" "OK, Look //harbinger of doom//-" He screams in rage<<endif>><<if $talkDL == 1>>"Look," You say "I don't like being threatened so could you please...not?" "It isn't a threat." He barks "I will spill your blood in the name of Tractchiclitlilthcbkltph." "Woah,' You reply. "Was your god in the back of the line when the vowels were handed out. He screams in rage<<endif>><<if $talkDL == 2>>"Lets be reasonable." You say smiling at him. "I'm not asking for much." "You are vermin not worthy of speaking to a higher being like me!" "That's rude." He screams in rage<<endif>><<if $talkDL == 3>> "You are really quite violent. Maybe you should take a deep breath and think about this." "Blood will spill! Bones will rend! HEARTS WILL RIP!" "Maybe try yoga?" He screams in rage<<endif>><<if $talkDL == 4>> "I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't like me." "You are a worm I will crush beneath my feet." He spits. "Your soul will feed Tractchiclitlilthcbkltph's rise!" "Do you usually have to chase your Sacrifices around the room?" You wonder. "If you did, I'd think you'd be better at this." He screams in rage<<endif>><<set $talkDL += 1>>

Having observed the fates of his brothers-in-robes, the last chanting cultist suddenly reconsiders the cultist lifestyle. He stops chanting, turns, and runs for the door. Unfortunately for him this basement wasn’t made for desperate fights between Dark Lords and accident prone losers. The weight bearing beams are too old to be used in such a manner. The beam breaks and crushes the fleeing cultist. Even though the chanters are dead, the chanting continues. More voices join the thrumming until it jumps the tracks from eerie wail to tremendous cacophony. The Dark Lord stops his attack. “The Ritual is whole!” The sigils on the floor begin to glow with an unnatural blackness. As you wonder how something can glow black, a massive tentacle bursts from the ground and the room collapses around you. [[That can’t be good|Teaser]]

Fix This.

You could free Gonk from this predicament. Although you doubt his attitude adjustment would hold of if he suddenly //could// push you face into a meat grinder. <<display Hands>>

What will happen to Jonas Mallory? *Tangle with Unnatural Monsters! *See Unseeable Vistas! *Go toe to toe with Lunitic Wizards, Agnostic Priests, and People with Big Hammers! *Meet the illusive Sam Ravenoir! *Get Stabbed! Play Jonas Mallory and The Bibliotek of DOOM! Coming Soon!