Happy new years. It's time to [[reevaluate your life]]. How does that sound? Let's go on this wild, slightly bitter ride together.
Ignore [[happiness]]. It's too conceptual.
Actually, don't think about [[emotion]]. That's too wishy washy and ungraspable.
Instead, let's focus on concrete [[actions]]. We'll use action words, verbs, and forget about practicality. This is going to be good, just like every fresh start. I mean, I've never had a fresh start that was dissapointing or underwhelming or left me worse off.
My life has been a straightline path on an upward trajectory!
"Every day is a new day, and you'll never be able to find happiness if you don't move on." -Carrie Underwood
Wow. Big Stuff.
If you're not 100% happy (which is attainable, and for only three easy payments of $9.99) try to [[reevaluate your life]].
"I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them." -Oscar Wilde
Don't worry too much about the quotes. It's just an attempt at being inspirational. I just type key words into my search engine (NO NAME BRANDS HERE).
"Red is such an interesting color to correlate with emotion, because it's on both ends of the spectrum. On one end you have happiness, falling in love, infatuation with someone, passion, all that. On the other end, you've got obsession, jealousy, danger, fear, anger and frustration." -Taylor Swift
That one is the first result on brainyquote (NAME BRAND ALERT).
Are these words empty to you? Why don't you [[reevaluate your life]]?
Oh! So everything is just an outside force to you, you have no hand in this? You piece of shit, why don't you take a good look at your [[behavior]].
You don't have to though. I'm sorry I snapped at you, I'm just upset because I hate New Years and I feel like I have all these problems and nobody to talk to, and you came along! And because you're here, well... that means your at least trying to change something. But don't start feeling all superior, you're trying on the lowest level, this is a text based game after all.
Perhaps this year you will focus on [[drawing]], [[photography]], [[skateboarding]], [[writing]], [[music]], [[reading]], [[computer programming]], [[comedy]], or [[film-making]].
You can't be held accountable for your behavior! That's dictated by //the stars//. I don't know what it means that mercury is in retrograde, but apparently it works as an excuse for almost anything.
Are you [[Aries]], [[Taurus]], [[Gemini]], [[Cancer]], [[Leo]], [[Virgo]], [[Libra]], [[Scorpio]], [[Sagittarius]], [[Capricorn]], [[Aquarius]], or [[Pisces]]? Guess what, the things people say are bad about you? You just need to change your perspective to see that they're good.
If you don't believe in horoscopes, you need to lighten up. Or I guess you could take a long hard look at your [[actions]] instead.
Drawing is nice. Have you thought of drawing plants? Those seem to be kind of trendy lately.
Isn't that absurd– plants as a whole are trending. Might as well tell me nouns are trending.
Here's some new year inspiration: your skills will develope, it's your ideas and work ethic that matter. Just focus on getting your ideas down on the page, even in the most shakey sketch. Somebody will see it in care...
Or they won't see it. Sorry but if you don't have [[1,000 instagram followers]] and just the right sort of clothes will anyone take you seriously? Really, please let me know if you find somebody who will take you seriously because I haven't found anyone.
If that doesn't work, you can always [[reevaluate your life]].
This is a free idea you can use. I think it will be pretty revolutionary:
1) shoot on film cameras (worse quality is... better?)
2) take pictures of other people taking pictures, especially teen girls taking selfies. it's going to change the world. look, now there are no problems in the whole world.
If you're not in i-D by the end of the week, try some new [[actions]].
Pretty soon you'll be kickflippin your way to [[1,000 instagram followers]] and brand deals. People say skate or die, but I'd reccomend both. Kickflip your way to the underworld. Hell's where all the artists go anyway, or so I've heard.
Writing! That is barely an action. So what, you're just going to tippity tap at your keys and you expect somebody to care? What will seperate your words from all the others being posted everyday? Maybe if you have [[1,000 instagram followers]] somebody would give you a chance.
Blogging is dead, by the way. Nobody's gotten attention from their blog since like 2009. Now the only blogs that are read look like they were created professionals with a full staff of food stylists and assistants. Why don't you just go out into an open field at night and yell your thoughts to the night sky instead? At least that would make an interesting scene if your life ever gets made into a movie.
If you take up ukulele it will be the easiest to get pretty good at, but all other musicians will make fun of you. You will not be taken seriously. Also, nobody can know that you started playing ukulele in middle school because you were a Never Shout Never fan.
Try guitar or something and just learn to play wonderwall. Nobody will care, but they also won't hate you.
Or otherwise post your music on bandcamp. Based on trends I've observed in my minimal music engagement, I'd reccomend an indie-rnb-pop hybrid. How do you feel about lo-fi? Vaporwave? If you're not on Pitchfork by the end of the week, might as well quit.
Here are some books and authors to read to show people you're cool:
-All of Proust. If you haven't read it all don't mention it as you will embarass yourself. And yes that includes his livejournal. All of it.
Actually, bring these up even if you haven't read them. Read the wikipedia articles, it's basically the same experience. Mention books as much as possible to show everyone around you that you are smart. The goal here is to make people feel that you are smarter than them. Some call it alienation, but really? That's success.
Way to be practical! Enjoy your na[ pods and open space office buildings, and don't forget to venmo everyone else a couple bucks when you made it big because of this game. I wish you the best (meaning that Jesse Eisenberg plays you in a movie about your work).
2017 and you want to do comedy? Look, peak TV can't keep peaking forever. The comedy boom will have to explode at some point. And besides, in this political climate you think making funnies will matter? Honestly go volunteer somewhere, creativity is not worth your time. And what's up with comedy being an art all of the sudden? For a bunch of jokesters, comedians take themselves way too seriously. Nobody watches seeso.
Ok, here's a tip for your first movie: make it sad AND funny. Make people laugh AND cry. You will change the game. Also, shoot the whole thing on a camera you got from a recycled tech drive. Cast your friends in the movie but don't tell them you're filming it.
It's a docu-dramedy. Maybe with a musical number? You're going for a post-mumblecore masterpiece. Post it on an obscure foreign forum. Do you hear that? That's Oscar buzz. Oh no wait that's just my headphones, they got wet when I was biking in the rain the other day and now they sound weird. Sometimes they shock me. Is that a problem?
Money can't buy happiness, but in dark times it can by followers. Develop a personal brand. Create an impossible version of yourself online. Plan whole days around cultivating the right outward appearance. Do irony (everybody has to be funny now). Interact with your followers to make them think you value you them, but do not value them. They are analytics now. Your life is data you can sell to advertisers so you get paid to market their weight loss tea that tastes like ketchup and charcoal.
Once you're a media mogul, tell people to follow @3_2_1_nothanks on twitter. That girl seems really lonely and sad, but apparently not in the way that's like cool and relatable and book deal sad.
People will say you're impulsive, like that's a bad thing? Really they just don't understand the concept of Carpe Diem (that's what you call YOLO now that YOLO isn't cool and also it's 2017 so we're all super intellectual). Live fast... die young... bad girls do it well. That's MIA. But also? That's you. And that's cool.
People will say you're stubborn, but it's not your fault. You have strong opinions, but they're informed. I mean, you've read so many tumblr posts in the past few years you could be a professor of woke-ness. And when you refuse to let anyone else choose the resteraunt you're all going to? That's just because buzzfeed tasty videos made you a foodie. Just check out your healthy eating inspo account, you have over [[1,000 instagram followers]].
People can call you unreliable, but sometimes you just have to put yourself first. That's not solipsistic, that's self care. How could you possibley commit to plans when you might feel like taking a bubble bath and doing a face mask later? Heck, take 12 baths! The enivornment's already doomed anyway.
Your sensitivity is your strength. Have you thought about [[writing]] about all that you're feeling? You know, some people say alt-lit is dead but maybe it's just waiting for you to come along and resurrect it.
I learned the word leonine in 2016 so thanks leos! People say you're selfish, but maybe that's what it takes to get ahead. Look, the world is messed up but you're just living in it. Uh, welcome to a little thing called capitalism. Of course, you're against it. You voted for Bernie in the primary! You're just an econ major because your parents wanted you to be one... and also think of all the good things you could do with tons of money. You'll be like robin hood or mark zuckerberg, but with a whole room just for gaming. Maybe a yacht...
New year is a perfect time to clean and apparently you like that? Honestly I couldn't find much interesting to say about virgos, but I'm sure you're great people. Maybe you could try [[computer programming]] as it is very organized. Sorry virgos, I'm sure you're not all bland but I have nothing. I hope you find [[happiness]] in the new year.
No judgement: are you a bernie bro?
Libras, people will call you indecisive but you're just being thorough. That's admirable. Take your time, you have a whole year to improve yourself. If you don't figure out who you want to be this year, well, this game will still be here in 2018 (maybe... actually don't expect that).
Apparently scorpios are associated with sex, death, and the underworld. You seem too cool for school. Maybe this year you'll settle down and become a writer for vice or something. 69 666 420
Sagittarius are, acording to one source, "sarcastic jerks." Have you considered [[comedy]]? Maybe try improv- it's like DJing for actors.
One of my sources says Capricorns are boring. The other says they are "ruthless social climbers." It's like a meta choose your own adventure inside of this choose your own adventure. Can you tell I don't know that much about signs that aren't my own?
Why does everyone say honesty is the best policy and they're tired of the lies, but then an Aquarius shows up and ruins everything by being to truthful?
Also, if you haven't heard the world is harry potter. And as they said in //The Sorcerer's Stone//, “The truth." Dumbledore sighed. "It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.” Did I mention 2016 was harry potter? 2017, too, probably.
You're a dreamer, but dreamers are the ones who dream up our future realities. Let me use the word dream again. "Dream dream dream dream dream dream." That's from the movie //Sharkboy and Lavagirl//. Coincidentally, sharks are very in for 2017.
Let's Get Better or At Least Different