The Lards of Dargtown

He shoots you in the back, obviously. The explosive bullets blast chunks of you all over the arena. Your severed head<<if visited("Stubborn")>> (Again? Really?)<<endif>> flies through the air and conveniently lands rightside up on the ground. You wiggle around on your neck-stump to face Darg.\n\nHe does his victory dance for the crowd.\n\n[["Hey! This ain't over!"|Taunt]]\n[[Play dead]]

<<if $lard is "on">>"A wise choice," the mayor says. "You just might make it."<<else if $lard is "off">>"I worry for you," the mayor says, "but do as you will."<<endif>>\n\n"There! Get 'em!" A gang of goblins seizes you and Athena. "Time to fight," one snivels. They whisk you through the pen. Slaves murmur words of encouragement as you pass, like //knock 'im dead// and //hope he makes it quick.// The goblins chuck you through a gateway and onto the dirt floor of the arena.\n\nThe gate closes behind you with a damning ka-chunk. Wooden swords wait for you on the ground. [[You pick one up|Arena]].

<<if $wuss is "aye">>"If it's not too much trouble," you say, "could I hit that breeze?"\n"I'd prefer to let you broil," Athena says, "but lucky for you, we're here."<<else if $wuss is "nay">>"Wake up, deadhead," Athena says.<<endif>> She unzips the backpack and retrieves her glue gun. You distantly feel its contents squirt onto your neck. Athena grabs your head by the hair and plops it back onto your corpse. Your flesh floods with sensation. You wiggle your fingers and reach up to [[straighten your head]].

<<if $bitter is 0>>"I thought you'd come around," Athena says. She retrieves a hot glue gun from her backpack and squirts a ring of glue onto your neck-stump.<<else if $bitter is 1>>"I'll take that for a yes," Athena says. She retrieves a hot glue gun from her backpack and squirts a ring of glue onto your neck-stump.<<else if $bitter is 2>>"Good gum," Athena says, "I thought you'd never come around." She retrieves the hot glue gun from her backpack and squirts a ring of glue onto your neck-stump.<<endif>>\n"Wow," you say, "you're awfully prepared."\nShe squishes your head onto your neck. "I anticipated some resistance."\n\nFeeling rushes into you body. You wiggle your fingers and reach up to [[straighten your head|Relent 2]].

<<if $concern is 2>>"Oh boy," Athena says. "I didn't anticipate that."<<else if $concern is 1>>Athena winces. "I was kind of planning on him remaining intact."<<else if $concern is 0>>"Well," Athena says, "this is a bit of a snag."<<endif>>\n\n"Come here," the mayor says. "Quickly!" He drops a rusty bucket on the ground. You and Athena huddle with him, and he pries the lid from the bucket, revealing the creamy glop inside. "Behold," he says, "the finest lard in Dargtown. You'll need it if you're to have even a fraction of a chance."\n\nAthena scoops out a handful and spreads lard all over her body. The mayor looks at you expectantly.\n\n[[Smear lard on yourself|Time to fight][$lard="on"]]\n[[Don't smear lard on yourself|Time to fight][$lard="off"]]

<<if $bloodthirst is 0>>"That's okay," she says. I'll do the actual killing."<<else if $bloodthirst is 1>>Athena rolls her eyes. "I'm 24," she says. "I can handle myself."<<else if $bloodthirst is 2>>"I thought so," she says.<<endif>>\n\nShe sheathes her sword and starts walking. You follow, because she seems to know the way out of these woods, and you definitely don't. The Martian Fields, supposedly, are the way to the Lost Continent, and Dargtown is the way to the Fields. You respect this royal runaway's unwillingness to follow her father's path, but find her taste in traveling companions worrisome.\n\n[["How do I help you get through Dargtown?"|Companions 1][$chat="how"]]\n[["So, you're after the Lost Continent."|Companions 1][$chat="why"]]\n[[Say nothing|Companions 1][$chat="none"]]

<<if visited("Dodge") is 1>>You lack Athena's grace but do your best, which resembles drunken hopscotch. The audience jeers but the bullets miss, and you keep at it, leaping, diving, and wiggling your limbs. Darg empties his clip and reloads again.\n\n[[Run away]]\n[[Keep dodging|Dodge]]\n[[Charge him|Charge]]<<else if visited("Dodge") is 2>>You dance fearlessly before the hail of gunfire, practically taunting him. A bullet blows off one of your toes, but it's no big deal. Darg sprays wildly, surrounding you with miniature explosions. You bob and weave like a pro. He roars impatiently. [[You catch your breath.|Victory]]<<endif>>

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The Lards of Dargtown

<<if $tude is "?">>"I'm serious," Athena says. "<<else if $tude is "!">>"I'm not an idiot," Athena says. Now listen: <<else if $tude is "...">>"Let's table that topic for now," Athena says. "<<endif>>I need to get through Dargtown, but I can't do it alone. If you help me, I'll see that the smithy there makes you a new staff."\n"I have a perfectly good staff right here." You hold it up for Athena to admire.\nShe shatters it with her sword. "Now you don't."\n\n[["What is WRONG with you?"|Compromise][$rage=2]]\n[["Aw, the warranty just expired...last century."|Compromise][$rage=1]]\n[["What a piece of crap."|Compromise][$rage=0]]

<<if $dismembered is "yes">>Your head surfs the blast of acid into the arena and tumbles across the ground.<<else if $dismembered is "no">>The blast of acid shoots you into the arena, where you climb to your feet, drenched.<<endif>> Athena emerges, blood-soaked and screaming, from Darg's chest.\n\n"I'm such a fucking champ!"\n\nThe audience murmurs uncomfortably. Beneath them, a rumble rises in the [[slave quarters|wave 2]].

<<if $y is "maybe">>Athena rolls her eyes and pounds on the metal. You wait. A vulture croaks ominously. High up in the wall, a repurposed sedan door opens and a guard pokes out his head. "State your purpose," he says.<<else if $y is "yes">>Athena pounds on the metal and steps back. You wait. A vulture croaks ominously. High up in the wall, a repurposed sedan door opens and a guard pokes out his head. "State your purpose," he says.<<else if $y is "no">>Athena rolls her eyes and pounds on the metal.\n"What I did there is called sarcasm."\n"They won't just let us in," Athena says. "We have to be captured."\nHigh up in the wall, a repurposed sedan door opens and a guard pokes out his head. "State your purpose," he says.<<endif>>\n\n[["Just passing through."|Purpose][$purpose="pass"]]\n[["We're here to make some corpses."|Purpose][$purpose="kill"]]\n[["We'd like to be enslaved."|Purpose][$purpose="slaves"]]

<<if $fields is "unmentioned">>"Don't you want to see the Martian Fields?" She crouches, ready to pounce.\n\n[["Whatever. As long as I get a new staff."|Agree]]\n[["Kid, are you after the Lost Continent?"|The Lost Continent]]\n[["Nope."|Stubborn]]\n<<else>>"I don't think you will." She crouches, ready to pounce.\n\n[["Fine. As long as I get a new staff."|Agree]]\n[["Why do you need to go through Dargtown?"|Resist]]\n[["Well, I refuse."|Stubborn]]<<endif>>

<<if $willing is 1>>"I'm so lucky to have met you."<<else if $willing is 2>>"An expert on staff-makery?"<<else if $willing is 0>>"That staff was forged hundreds of years ago, in the fires of whatever online store I bought it from."<<endif>>\n"Listen," Athena says, "I need to get through Dargtown, but I can't do it alone." She hesitates, trying to get a read on you. "If you help me, I'll see that the smithy there makes you a new staff."\n\n[["It better be bitchin'."|Agree][$resist=1]]\n[["Dargtown? You must be crazy."|Resist][$resist=2]]\n[["And if I refuse?"|Refuse][$resist=3]]

You might as well enjoy the free ride. The Martian Fields, supposedly, are the way to the Lost Continent, and Dargtown is the way to the Fields. It's a fool's errand, but you've got nowhere better to be. Your head bounces gently up and down while Athena grunts with exertion outside. The surely uncomfortable terrain over which she drags your corpse registers as little more than a tingle. However, it becomes hot and sweaty inside the backpack more quickly than you would have liked. Your face and neck-stump chafe with every step until, thank gum, Athena stops moving.\n\n[[Ask for air|Dargtown Gate alt][$wuss="aye"]]\n[[Say nothing|Dargtown Gate alt][$wuss="nay"]]

<<if $snark is 1>>Athena sighs. "That's what everybody at home said."<<else if $snark is 2>>"I don't hold a grudge," Athena says. "Not a super-big one, anyway."<<else if $snark is 3>>"Oh, shut it," Athena says. "I'm freaking 24 years old."<<else if $snark is 0>>She walks onward, uncertain.<<endif>> The deadwoods recede and the walls of Dargtown rise before you. Once known as Lardenia, a peaceful exporter of fine fatty substances, the city now lives under the thumb of a tyrant and his minions. Its gate consists of two flatbed semi-trailers strapped together with barbed wire. Cubes of compacted trash form the ramparts. You smell the hot scent of Dargtown's famous lard, still produced by the enslaved citizens. Athena looks up at the gate. "Do we knock?"\n\n[["Sure. Slavery sounds fun."|Knock][$y="no"]]\n[["Worth a shot."|Knock][$y="yes"]]\n[["No, let's sneak in."|Sneak]]

<<if $eager is 1>>"Ha," the mayor says. "Leaders get scraped off the arena floor with putty knives."<<else if $eager is 2>>"Heroes tend to get scraped off the arena floor with putty knives," the mayor says. "I'd lay low if I were you."<<else if $eager is 0>>The mayor nods. "I'm a pretty sad guy."<<endif>> He shuffles into a corner to be alone.\n\nSomeone taps your shoulder. It's the pizza guy. His eyes are pools of darkness, and he has a sickly purple aura that you didn't notice before. "Nimrod," he says. His voice is deep and gravelly. "You must help her defeat the tyrant." You look around. No one pays attention. "Swallow your pride," the pizza guy croaks. "It'll be real thick, like peanut butter, but you gotta do it."\n\n[["Sure, no problem."|That was odd][$comply=2]]\n[["Are you hungry or something?"|That was odd][$comply=1]]\n[["Who are you, really?"|That was odd][$comply=0]]

<<if $gut is "tell">>"He served my dad," Athena says, "until, you know."\n\n<<else if $gut is "doubt">>"Don't worry," Athena says. "He's a unique talent."\n\n<<endif>>Zade yanks the sheet from the cart, revealing a gigantic, gold-plated machine gun.\n"WOW," Darg says.\n"Unmatched rate of fire," Zade says. "Explosive ammunition. One of a kind, and yours to wield."\nDarg reaches down and picks up the gun. "MAKE MANY CORPSES?" He aims the weapon around.\nZade doesn't flinch. "Oodles, master. I call this gun Tender Isaac."\n\nDarg narrows his eyes. He doesn't get it. [[Neither do you.|Isaac 2]]

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"Let's go," Athena says. She sheathes her sword and starts walking. You follow, eager to get out of these woods. The Martian Fields, supposedly, are the way to the Lost Continent, and Dargtown is the way to the Fields. You respect this royal runaway's unwillingness to follow her father's path, but find her taste in traveling companions worrisome.\n\n[["How do I help you get through Dargtown?"|Companions 1][$chat="how"]]\n[["So, you're after the Lost Continent."|Companions 1][$chat="why"]]\n[[Say nothing|Companions 1][$chat="none"]]

<<if $shits is 2>>"She went looking for someone," the mayor says.<<else if $shits is 1>>"On an errand," the mayor says. "She predicted you'd say something rude."<<else if $shits is 0>>"Later," the mayor says. "You'll soon have a visitor."<<endif>> A crowd roars beyond the high, barred windows. "The arena's up there. Darg slaughters daily challengers from our ranks while his cronies watch. If we don't volunteer, we're selected at random. They give us wooden swords."\n\nGunfire echoes from the arena.\n\n[["Sounds a little unfair."|Escape attempts][$zealous=1]]\n[["Have you tried to escape?"|Escape attempts][$zealous=2]]\n[["There must be a way to defeat him."|Escape attempts][$zealous=3]]

<<if $excuse is "awesome">>Athena rolls her eyes. "I'm not here to kill you, idiot."<<else if $excuse is "outmatched">>"Relax," Athena says, "I'm not here to fight."<<else if $excuse is "dad">>"The fact that he was a royal tool doesn't absolve you," Athena says, "but I'm not here to kill you."<<endif>> She takes a deep breath. "I want your help."\n\n[["Come again?"|Stall offer][$tude="?"]]\n[["You know why that's weird, right?"|Stall offer][$tude="!"]]\n[["Did you miss the part where I killed your dad?"|Stall offer][$tude="..."]]

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You emerge onto a stony outcropping beyond the city wall.\n\nAthena gasps. A shimmering, endless dome lies ahead, alien flora thriving within. "The Martian Fields," she says. "I never thought I'd see them."\n\nIt's a beautiful sight, you have to admit.\n\n[["Let's enjoy this for a minute."|Cliffhanger intact][$patience=2]]\n[["We should keep moving."|Cliffhanger intact][$patience=0]]\n[[Say nothing|Cliffhanger intact][$patience=1]]

And not just any toilet. That's a Toto P2D2. Heat-seaking. It'll target Athena's live flesh but not your clammy ass. You dive and tackle her.\n"Let me go!" Athena says.\n"Listen," you say, "there's no getting away if you lose your shit." The P2D2 squawks and halts in mid-air. It hovers, unable to lock on to anything, before jetting back up and over the ramparts. Athena wiggles free and dusts herself off.\n\n"You there!" High up in the wall, a repurposed sedan door opens and a guard pokes out his head. "I see you," he says. "State your purpose."\n\n[["Just passing through."|Purpose][$purpose="pass"]]\n[["We're here to make some corpses."|Purpose][$purpose="kill"]]\n[["We'd like to be enslaved."|Purpose][$purpose="slaves"]]

"Aaand now," the announcer says, "please welcome our next challengers, Athena MacIntyre and Nimrod, uh, Suppertramp? Supertrump? I dunno, he's a wizard." The audience boos and hisses. Darg rises from his bone throne, Little Darg in hand, and they cheer. "Now FIGHT!"\n\nYou glance at Athena. She rubs her dagger necklace, apparently for luck.\n\n[["Do you have a plan?"|Down the hatch][$plan="Athena"]]\n[["I've got a plan."|Down the hatch][$plan="Nimrod"]]\n[["You don't intend to fight with that, I hope."|Down the hatch][$plan="joke"]]

<<if $savvy is 0>>"I kind of volunteered us," Athena says. "Hope that's cool." Zade<<else if $savvy is 1>>"I'm sorry," Zade says. "My hands are quite figuratively tied." He<<else if $savvy is 2>>"I wish," Zade says, "but my hands are quite figuratively tied." He<<endif>> departs, silky robe swishing behind him. The mayor mutters irritably.\n\n"Come on," Athena says. "Let's watch." The two of you climb up to a barred window facing the arena. Darg, a horned giant built like a monster truck, stands before his throne of bones. A bloodied, beaten challenger squirms in his fist. Goblins, mercenaries, and other rogues cheer in the stands. Darg bites the man's head off, and the crowd goes nuts. He discards the corpse and does a little dance.\n\n[["He's not so tough."|Demo][$fear=2]]\n[["I'll take the lard bath, thanks."|Demo][$fear=1]]\n[["Maybe he'll agree to a dance challenge."|Demo][$fear=0]]

<<if $feeling is "why">>"Because I want a life of my own, duh. They only let me out of the palace because I promised to avenge my dad's death."<<else if $feeling is "legit">>"You could come, too, Nimrod. Imagine not having bounty hunters chase after you all day and night."<<else if $feeling is "doubt">>"Then I'm screwed. I'll ascend the throne, become a corrupt tyrant, and hopefully die young. So I'm betting everything on this lost continent panning out."<<endif>>\n\nShe sheathes her sword and starts walking. You follow, eager to get out of these woods. The Martian Fields, supposedly, are the way to the Lost Continent, and Dargtown is the way to the Fields. You respect this royal runaway's unwillingness to follow her father's path, but find her taste in traveling companions worrisome.\n\n[["How do I help you get through Dargtown?"|Companions 2][$chat="how"]]\n[["What do you hope to find on the continent?"|Companions 2][$chat="what"]]\n[[Say nothing|Companions 2][$chat="none"]]

<<if $chat is "how">>"I'm not sure," Athena says. "I've kinda been winging it this whole time."<<else if $chat is "why">>"Yeah," Athena says. "I hope it's real. The last thing I want is to inherit my dad's crappy kingdom."<<else if $chat is "none">>Athena leads you silently through the woods.<<endif>> She anxiously rubs a miniature dagger that hangs on the chain around her neck. "I hope this isn't a big mistake."\n\n[["Teaming up with your dad's murderer? No way."|Dargtown Gate][$snark=2]]\n[["Save it for your diary, kid."|Dargtown Gate][$snark=3]]\n[[Say nothing|Dargtown Gate][$snark=0]]

<<if $chat is "how">>"I'm not sure," Athena says. "I've kinda been winging it this whole time."<<else if $chat is "what">>"Edible plants?" Athena says. "I don't know. Anything is better than going back home."<<else if $chat is "none">>Athena leads you silently through the woods.<<endif>> She anxiously rubs a miniature dagger that hangs on the chain around her neck. "I hope this isn't a big mistake."\n\n[["Teaming up with your dad's murderer? No way."|Dargtown Gate][$snark=2]]\n[["Save it for your diary, kid."|Dargtown Gate][$snark=3]]\n[[Say nothing|Dargtown Gate][$snark=0]]

<<if $pose is "dive">><<if $lard is "on">>You straighten your body into a plank and plummet into Darg's jaws. Thanks to your slick lard coating, you slide into his throat like a pat of butter. The ride down his esophagus is hot and squishy, but soon enough peristalis squeezes you into his cavernous stomach.\n\nYou land with a splash and start [[treading acid|stomach]].<<else if $lard is "off">>You straighten your body into a plank and plummet into Darg's jaws, which he closes around your neck, severing your head<<if visited("Stubborn")>> (Again? Really?)<<endif>>. It rolls over his tongue and into his throat. The ride down his esophagus is hot and squishy, but eventually peristalsis shoves you into his cavernous stomach. You plop into a lake of acid and begin to sink. Surely, there are worse ways to go than digestion by giant, but you fail to come up with any.\n\nYou feel a tug on your hair, and you begin moving upward. Something has grabbed you. A hungry stomach-wraith, perhaps? [[You break the surface|stomach]].<<endif>><<else if $pose is "cannonball">><<if $lard is "on">>You hug your legs to your chest and plummet into Darg's jaws. Thanks to your slick lard coating, you slide into his throat like a pat of butter. The ride down his esophagus is hot and squishy, but soon enough peristalis squeezes you into his cavernous stomach.\n\nYou land with a splash and start [[treading acid|stomach]].<<else if $lard is "off">>You hug your legs to your chest and plummet into Darg's jaws, which he closes around your neck, severing you head from your body<<if visited("Stubborn")>>(Again? Really?)<<endif>>. He swallows your corpse and lets your head topple to the ground. The audience goes nuts, and Darg does his victory dance.\n\n[["Hey! This ain't over!"|Taunt]]\n[[Play dead]]<<endif>><<endif>>

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"Fair enough," Athena says. "Let me know when you change your mind."\n\nShe sheathes her sword and starts walking. You follow, eager to get out of these woods. The Martian Fields, supposedly, are the way to the Lost Continent, and Dargtown is the way to the Fields. You respect this royal runaway's unwillingness to follow her father's path, but find her taste in traveling companions worrisome.\n\n[["How do I help you get through Dargtown?"|Companions 1][$chat="how"]]\n[["So, you're after the Lost Continent."|Companions 1][$chat="why"]]\n[[Say nothing|Companions 1][$chat="none"]]

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Athena rolls her eyes. "I'm not a kid," she says, "I'm 24. And yes, because I'm not interested in fulfilling my father's destiny and inheriting his crappy kingdom."\n\n[["Why not?"|Why go][$feeling="why"]]\n[["Legit."|Why go][$feeling="legit"]]\n[["What if there is no lost continent?"|Why go][$feeling="doubt"]]\n<<if visited("Refuse")>>[["Good luck, but you're on your own."|Stubborn]]<<endif>>

<<if $concern is "leg">>"Right," she says, picking up your head, "off we go." As she carries you through the carnage, you notice that her sword seems smaller, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $concern is "sword">>"I pinched this baby from the royal workshop," she says, picking up your head. The sword seems smaller now, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $concern is "arm">>She picks up your head. "Lead the way." As she carries you through the carnage, you notice that her sword seems smaller, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $concern is "badass">>"I'm not a kid," she says, picking up your head, "but thank you." As she carries you through the carnage, you notice that her sword seems smaller, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<endif>>\n\nAthena carefully navigates the bloodbath, collecting your body bit by bit. She's buckling under the load by the time you reach the helpfully lit [[emergency exit|exit alt]].

<<if $protest is 1>>"I don't want a fight," Athena says, "but excuse me for not trusting you, of all people."<<else if $protest is 2>>"Yes, I killed your dad, but honestly? I'm not sure he's worth avenging."\n"The fact that he was a royal tool doesn't absolve you," Athena says, "but I'm not here to kill you."<<endif>> She takes a deep breath. "I want your help."\n\n[["You've got two seconds."|Flee offer][$pissed=1]]\n[["I'm not feeling super charitable."|Flee offer][$pissed=2]]\n[["And I want to smell like a fancy candle."|Flee offer][$pissed=3]]

A war chant, you realize: //it's our lard, it's our lard.// All around the arena, slaves squeeze through bars, slippery with the lards of Dargtown, and swarm their captors, homemade weapons in hand. The revolution has begun, and the unprepared slavers are ripe for slaughter. You spot the mayor, buck-naked and greasy, drinking blood from a goblin's neck. He gives you a thumbs-up.\n<<if $dismembered is "yes">>Athena arrives with one of your legs over her shoulder and an arm in her hand. "We should probably hustle." She squints at something distant. "I think I see your other leg."\n\n[["I'm going to need that."|Escape dismembered][$concern="leg"]]\n[["Where did you get that sword?"|Escape dismembered][$concern="sword"]]\n[["I can feel my left arm to the southeast."|Escape dismembered][$concern="arm"]]\n[["You're a badass, kid."|Escape dismembered][$concern="badass"]]<<else if $dismembered is "no">>You hurry to Athena as carnage spreads through the stands. She seems okay apart from that chunk of hair she lost.\n\n[["You need a towel?"|Escape intact][$thought="towel"]]\n[["That was badass, kid."|Escape intact][$thought="badass"]]\n[["Where did you get that sword?"|Escape intact][$thought="sword"]]\n[["We should probably scoot."|Escape intact][$thought="scoot"]]<<endif>>

The pizza guy stumbles away. "I gotta crash."\n\n"Nimrod!" Athena hurries toward you. For all of her cuts and bruises, she's surprisingly chipper. A bald man in a black robe follows her. Clean and well-fed, he clearly doesn't reside here in the pen. The slaves glower at him.\n\n[["Is this the guy?"|Blacksmith][$priority="who"]]\n[["I just had a weird thing happen."|Blacksmith][$priority="thing"]]\n[["Let's get out of here."|Blacksmith][$priority="go"]]

Andrew Watt

@@font-size:60px;Zombie\nWizard@@\n@@font-size:35px;color:black;of the@@\n@@font-size:60px;Apocalypse@@\n@@font-size:25px;color:black;By Andrew Watt@@\n\n@@font-size:45px;color:black;Episode Three:@@\n@@font-size:45px;color:#E68A00;The Lards of Dargtown@@\n\n@@font-size:50px;[[Play|Excerpt]]@@\n@@font-size:25px;[[About]]@@

Darg groans, exasperated, and picks up Little Darg. He takes aim but hesitates. A nauseous frown spreads across his face. He watches with disbelief as his stomach swells. A gleaming sword erupts from his belly and cleaves him nearly in half. He collapses, and Athena bursts, blood-soaked and screaming, from his chest.\n\n"I'm such a fucking champ!"\n\nThe audience murmurs uncomfortably. Beneath them, a rumble rises in the [[slave quarters|vd2]].

<<if $patience is 0>>"We?" Athena says. "As in you and I together? As in buddies?"\n"I don't know about buddies".\n"Partners, then."\nYou harrumph and instantly feel old. However, it's reassuring and, admit it, touching, that this young, gifted warrior who should have killed you sees value within your rotting husk.<<else if $patience is 1>>Athena sits cross-legged near the edge of the cliff. It makes you a little nervous. "I think we should stick together," she says. "We're not the worst team ever."\n"You're setting the bar awfully high."\nThere's room for improvement, obviously. Athena rocks gently back and forth. It's reassuring and, admit it, touching, that this young, gifted warrior who should have killed you sees value within your rotting husk.<<else if $patience is 2>>"Let's?" Athena says. "As in you and I together? As in buddies?"\n"I don't know about buddies."\n"Partners, then."\nYou harrumph and instantly feel old. However, it's reassuring and, admit it, touching, that this young, gifted warrior who should have killed you sees value within your rotting husk.<<endif>>\n"It's official, Nimrod." Athena grins. "We're having an adventure."\n\n@@color:#CCFFFF;font-family:impact;TO BE CONTINUED...@@\n\n@@color:#990099;font-size:22px;//Nimrod and Athena will return in EPISODE FOUR: "THE MARTIAN FIELDS!"//@@\n[[Menu|Start]]

<<if $zealous is 1>>"Quite," the mayor says. "Those who volunteer often do so for lack of rope. We've had our share of revolts and escape attempts, of course. Rebels and runners get boiled in lard, the very export that once made this city great."<<else if $zealous is 2>>"Many times," the mayor says. "Those who are caught get boiled in lard, the very export that once made this city great."<<else if $zealous is 3>>"Many have tried," the mayor says, "and they made fine cannon fodder. We've had our share of escape attempts, of course. Runners get boiled in lard, the very export that once made this city great."<<endif>> He sighs. "I'm afraid that our revolutionary spirit has been thoroughly crushed."\n\n[["You need a leader."|Help][$eager=1]]\n[["Maybe I can help."|Help][$eager=2]]\n[["You're kind of a downer, man."|Help][$eager=0]]

<<if visited("Taunt") is 1>>Darg stops dancing. He looks around, confused, before spotting your head. "That's right," you say, "now finish me off." Darg scowls at you and cracks his hairy knuckles. He bounds across the arena. The crowd chants his name as he rushes toward you, and in one swift motion, he kicks your head, like a soccer ball, [[into the stands.|Taunt]]<<else if visited("Taunt") is 2>>You sail over the outstretched hands of the audience members, each one eager to catch you, and, if they're lucky, get Darg's autograph on your face later. A slaver grabs hold of your beard and twirls your head triumphantly. "I got him!" His neigbors crowd around for a closer look. The slaver cradles you in his arms like a newborn.\n\n[[Lick him|Bodiless][$v="lick"]]\n[[Bite him|Bodiless][$v="bite"]]<<endif>>

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<<if $thought is "towel">>"I'd prefer a bath," she says, "but I'll settle for getting out of here alive." Her sword seems smaller now, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water," she says. "Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $thought is "badass">>"I'm not a kid, she says, but thank you." Her sword seems smaller now, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $thought is "sword">>"I pinched this baby from the royal workshop," she says. The sword seems smaller now, and you realize that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<else if $thought is "scoot">>"I couldn't agree more," she says. "Let's boogie." As you navigate the carnage, you notice that Athena's sword seems smaller, and you see that it's shrinking. "Neat, right?" It shrivels into the little dagger she wears around her neck. "Just add water. Or stomach acid, apparently."<<endif>>\n"You kind of incited an uprising," you say. "Sure you're not a leader at heart?"\n"Crimeny. This is why I left home in the first place."\n\nYou hustle through the bloodbath, skipping across the dead and dodging airborne limbs, until you reach a helpfully-lit [[emergency exit|exit]].

<<if $pose is "dive">><<if $lard is "on">>"What the hell, Nimrod?"\n\nAthena paddles over to you on the torso of a vanquished challenger. "I told you to distract him, not get swallowed."\n"Nice to see you, too," you say, acid dribbling down your chin.\n"I'm going to get us out of here." She retrieves a huge sword from a shallow well of acid. Where did she get that? "Brace yourself."\n\nShe plunges her sword into the wall of Darg's stomach and drags it up as high as she can reach. Darg's belly opens with a seismic groan. You see light.\n\n[[Ride the wave][$dismembered="no"]]<<else if $lard is "off">>Athena holds you up to her angry face.\n"I told you to distract him," she says, "not get eaten."\n"Nice to see you, too," you say, acid dribbling down your chin.\n"Could you just, like, bob for a minute?" Athena places your head on the floating torso of a vanquished challenger. She reaches into the acid and retrieves a huge sword. Where did she get that? "Brace yourself."\n\nShe plunges her sword into the wall of Darg's stomach and drags it up as high as she can reach. Darg's belly opens with a seismic groan. You see light.\n\n[[Ride the wave][$dismembered="yes"]]<<endif>><<else if $pose is "cannonball">><<if $lard is "on">>"What the hell, Nimrod?"\n\nAthena paddles over to you on the torso of a vanquished challenger. "I told you to distract him, not get swallowed."\n"Nice to see you, too," you say, acid dribbling down your chin.\n"I'm going to get us out of here." She retrieves a huge sword from a shallow well of acid. Where did she get that? "Brace yourself."\n\nShe plunges her sword into the wall of Darg's stomach and drags it up as high as she can reach. Darg's belly opens with a seismic groan. You see light.\n\n[[Ride the wave][$dismembered="no"]]<<endif>><<endif>>

"Listen," you say. "I know you have a familial obligation to kill me, but hear me out." Athena tightens her grip on the sword.\n\n[["I'm too awesome to die."|Excuses][$excuse="awesome"]]\n[["You're outmatched, kid."|Excuses][$excuse="outmatched"]]\n[["Your dad? Not worth avenging."|Excuses][$excuse="dad"]]

Darg takes aim but hesitates. A nauseous frown spreads across his face. He watches with disbelief as his stomach swells. A gleaming sword erupts from his belly and cleaves him nearly in half. He collapses, and Athena bursts, blood-soaked and screaming, from his chest.\n\n"I'm such a fucking champ!"\n\nThe audience murmurs uncomfortably. Beneath them, a rumble rises in the [[slave quarters|v2]].

<<if $priority is "who">>"My name is Zade," the man says. He bows modestly. "I'm the smithy here, and I will craft you a..." He glances at Athena. She mouthes something. "A mighty bitchin' staff," he says, "in exchange for Darg's head."<<else if $priority is "thing">>"Later," Athena says. "This is Zade." The bald guy bows modestly.\n"I'm the smithy here," he says, "and I will craft you a..." He glances at Athena. She mouthes something. "A mighty bitchin' staff," he says, "in exchange for Darg's head."<<else if $priority is "go">>"In a minute," Athena says. "This is Zade." The bald guy bows modestly.\n"I'm the smithy here," he says, "and I will craft you a..." He glances at Athena. She mouthes something. "A mighty bitchin' staff," he says, "in exchange for Darg's head."<<endif>>\n\n[["Deal."|Terms][$barter=0]]\n[["There are terms now?"|Terms][$barter=1]]\n[["Why aren't you filthy?"|Terms][$barter=2]]

"It'll be mighty bitchin', I assure you. I'll need you fully powered when we get to the Martian Fields."\n\n[["Kid, are you after the Lost Continent?"|The Lost Continent]]\n[["Nuh-uh. Once I get my staff, I'm gone."|Gone]]

<<if $sign is "yes">>"On the dotted line, idiot." The guard closes his door. You scribble your signature.<<else if $sign is "no">>"Suit yourself," the guard says.<<endif>> The gate lowers with a rusty groan, and a gang of slavers emerges. They carry whips, chains, and steel bats.\n\nOne steps forward. "My name's Taylor," he says. "I'll be your slaver today." He holds out his hand. "Waivers, please." You hand them over. <<if $sign is "yes">>Taylor returns yours with a cross look. "Date it."\n\n"This is quite a process," Athena says. You date your waiver and hand it back.\n"It's not all whippings and hard labor." Taylor the slaver pockets your waiver. "But that's most of it." He nods at his colleagues. [["Commence the beating."|Waiver 2]]\n<<else if $sign is "no">>Taylor glares at you. "Why didn't you sign?"\n"I don't see the point," you say.\n"Have you no respect for infrastructure?" Taylor, disgusted, turns to a colleague. [["Beat this guy extra hard."|Waiver 2]]\n<<endif>>

"Much better," you say. The walls of Dargtown rise before you. Once known as Lardenia, a peaceful exporter of fine fatty substances, the city now lives under the thumb of a tyrant and his minions. Its gate consists of two flatbed semi-trailers strapped together with barbed wire. Cubes of compacted trash form the ramparts. You smell the hot scent of Dargtown's famous lard, still produced by the enslaved citizens. Athena looks up at the gate. "Do we knock?"\n\n[["Sure. Slavery sounds fun."|Knock][$y="no"]]\n[["Worth a shot."|Knock][$y="yes"]]\n[["We?"|Knock][$y="maybe"]]

"There used to be eight or so continents, until a seismic slurp brought all but one of 'em together. The debris at the center became the United Islands, and the surrounding land was named Arth. We call that stubborn outsider the Lost Continent. I hear there are unicorns there, and volcanoes that spew naked ladies."\n\n--Taylor, a slaver, from //Kappelman's History of Arth//\n\n[[Continue|Think fast]]

<<if $staff is "intact">>You wiggle your fingers and raise your staff, but Athena shatters it with her sword. Your magic may be compromised.<<else if $staff is "destroyed">>You wiggle your fingers. Without your staff, your magic may be compromised.<<endif>>\n\n[[Cast inexpungible madness|And?][$weapon="madness"]]\n[[Conjure napalm storm|And?][$weapon="napalm"]]\n[[Summon piranha bees|And?][$weapon="bees"]]

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<<if $plan is "Athena">>"I'm gonna do my thing," Athena says.<<else if $plan is "Nimrod">>"It's called Operation You Go First."\n\n"Fine by me," Athena says.<<else if $plan is "joke">>"Have a little faith," Athena says.<<endif>> She rubs some excess lard into her hair. "Just keep him distracted." She sprints straight toward Darg. He opens fire, and she zig-zags masterfully as bullets tear up the dirt. Darg empties the clip, and Athena parkours up the barrel of his gun. The crowd groans with disbelief as she skips onto his forearm. You drop your jaw, Marleyesque, in amazement.\n\nAnd Darg grabs Athena with his other hand and [[swallows her whole.|Swallowed]]

You emerge onto a stony outcropping beyond the city wall. Athena gratefully drops your parts onto the ground. She wipes her brow. "I hope I got all of you."\n"Look," you say, lying on your ear. "We made it."\nAthena gasps. A shimmering, endless dome lies ahead, alien flora thriving within. "The Martian Fields," she says. "I never thought I'd see them."\nIt's a beautiful sight, you have to admit.\n\n"Oh, boy," Athena says. "I made a mistake."\n\n[["What's wrong?"|Cliffhanger dismembered][$kind=2]]\n[["It's a little late to turn back now, kid."|Cliffhanger dismembered][$kind=1]]\n[["Let me enjoy the view for, like, two seconds, please."|Cliffhanger dismembered][$kind=0]]

<<if $sign is "yes">>As promised, the slavers beat you to within an inch of your lives. You pity Athena for her mortal sensations, so you do some dramatic thrashing to attract a larger share of the aggression.<<else if $sign is "no">>As promised, the slavers beat you to within an inch of your lives. You pity Athena for her mortal sensations, and you're greatful to receive a larger share of the aggression.<<endif>> //How selfless,// you think, until you realize that Athena, had you not fried her dad, probably wouldn't be here right now. With Tennessee in power, Darg might never have captured Lardenia in the first place.\n\nOne of the slavers breaks your nose with his bat, and you [[pass out|Slave quarters]].

<<if $kind is 2>>"I'd better show you." She<<else if $kind is 1>>"It's not that. I'd better show you." She<<else if $kind is 0>>"Okay." She counts to two under her breath and<<endif>> holds up a muscular, greenish arm with only three fingers and sharp, black nails. "This isn't yours, is it?"\n"That's a goblin arm."\nAthena grabs you by the beard. "Let's get this over with."\n"I can wait here," you say. "I'll be fine."\n"No way, Nimrod! We're partners now." She kicks the exit door open and grins. "And we're officially having an adventure."\n\n@@color:#CCFFFF;font-family:impact;TO BE CONTINUED...@@\n\n@@color:#990099;font-size:22px;//Nimrod and Athena will return in EPISODE FOUR: "THE MARTIAN FIELDS!"//@@\n[[Menu|Start]]

You barrel toward Darg, hoping to duplicate Athena's wicked moves, minus the getting eaten part. The explosive bullets turn the arena into a minefield, and you run right straight into the gauntlet. Within seconds, you're whirling through the air, your sneakers aflame, towards Darg's open mouth.\n\nThe bastard plans to catch you like a piece of popcorn.\n\n[[Dive|Over the lips][$pose="dive"]]\n[[Cannonball|Over the lips][$pose="cannonball"]]

<<if $rage is 2>>"My dad might have been a douchebag," Athena says, "but you owe me and you know it." She hesitates, trying to get a read on you. "Are you coming or not?"<<else if $rage is 1>>"Cheer up," Athena says. "My smithy will make you a staff so great you won't need a warranty." She hesitates, trying to get a read on you. "Are you coming or not?"<<else if $rage is 0>>"I can see that," Athena says. "My smithy will make you one better than any you've ever had." She hesitates, trying to get a read on you. "Are you coming?"<<endif>>\n\n[["This staff had better be bitchin'."|Agree][$resist=1]]\n[["To Dargtown? You must be crazy."|Resist][$resist=2]]\n[["If I refuse?"|Refuse][$resist=3]]

<<if $weapon is "madness">>Athena makes a face and sticks out her tongue. "Ick."\n"Just wait," you say. "The visions will overwhelm you at any second."\n"Huh," she says. "All I see is you standing here like a jackass."\n"Any second."\n"I think you just gave me bad breath."\n"You're supposed to be seeing unforgettable horrors, like your grandparents boning and kittens exploding!"\n"My breath is really bad, I'll give you that."<<else if $weapon is "napalm">>Individually-wrapped chocolates fall from the sky. Athena catches one. "It's probably poisoned," you say. She unwraps the chocolate and sniffs it.\n"I don't think so." She tosses one to you. "Here you go."\n"This is bullshit."\nShe takes a bite. "This is the best chocolate I've ever tasted."<<else if $weapon is "bees">>An adorable puppy appears with a //pop!// and scampers over to Athena. She scoops it into her arms. "This is the cutest thing I've ever seen," she says.\n"Dammit, I should be looking at your skeletal remains by now."\n"Maybe I'll die of cute overload."<<endif>>\n"I need a new staff," you grumble.\n"I can help you with that."\n\n[["Magic buff, are you?"|Attack offer][$willing=2]]\n[["I doubt it, kid."|Attack offer][$willing=0]]

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<<if $comply is 0>>"That is of no importance," he monotones.\n"Wrong answer."\nThe pizza puppet examines his nametag. "I'm, uh, Nick."\n"You are most certainly not."\n"I'm out of time. Just do it, okay?"<<else if $comply is 1>>"I require no Arthian sustenance," he monotones.\n"Whoever you are, you're not doing a good job staying in character."\n"What? That's crazy," the pizza puppet says. "You're talking crazy. Just do the thing, please."<<else if $comply is 2>>"Great," he says. "We're done here."<<endif>> His aura vanishes, and the darkness fades from his eyes, revealing normal bloodshot stoner pizza guy eyes. He blinks at you.\n\n"Were we talking?" His voice is hoarse and human. [[You shake your head.]]

<<if $barter is 0>>"Excellent," Zade says. "I wish you luck."\n"Sellout," the mayor grumbles. Zade ignores him.\n"I'm presenting Darg with a new weapon today, and I'm afraid it won't make your challenge any easier."\n<<else if $barter is 1>>"I'm supervised too closely to build anything other than Darg's weapons."\n"Sellout," the mayor growls. "Shithead."\n"If you can defeat him," Zade says, "I'll craft the finest staff you'll ever touch. Until then, I wish you luck. I'm presenting Darg with a new weapon today, and I'm afraid it won't make your challenge any easier."<<else if $barter is 2>>"I make weapons for Darg," Zade says, "in return for some modest amenities."\n"Shithead," the mayor mutters.\n"I'm presenting a new one today," Zade says. "I'm afraid it won't make your challenge any easier."<<endif>>\n\n[["Fantastic."|Challengers][$savvy=1]]\n[["Do you have anything we can use against him?"|Challengers][$savvy=2]]\n[["What challenge?"|Challengers][$savvy=0]]

Dirty faces peer down at you. "Hello, newcomer," a slave says. He helps you to your feet. Your body aches. "I used to be the mayor here. Welcome to our humble pit of despair."\n\nYou're in a sprawling, squalid pen. Other slaves murmur greetings. They still wear the rags of their former stations. You identify the sheriff, some office workers, and a pizza delivery guy. Athena isn't here.\n\n[["Did you see a girl?"|Where's Athena?][$shits=2]]\n[["Where's babyface?"|Where's Athena?][$shits=1]]\n[["I'm going back to sleep."|Where's Athena?][$shits=0]]

You creep along the wall of junk, searching for a flaw. The refrigerators, monster truck tires, and keytars yield no secrets. You twist a conspicuous umbrella handle.\n"Secret door?" Athena asks.\nAn object catapults from the ramparts above. As it spins closer, you realize that it's a toilet. "Nope," you say. [["Booty trap."|Sneak 2]]

"With your help," Athena says, "I could be the one doing the slaughtering! Don't pretend you don't love a good fight."\n\n[["Aren't you a little young for a spree killer?"|Slaughtered][$bloodthirst=1]]\n[["I do enjoy quenching my blood-thirst."|Slaughtered][$bloodthirst=2]]\n[["I'm a little slaughtered out at the moment."|Slaughtered][$bloodthirst=0]]

<<if $purpose is "slaves">>"Okay," he says, "but you gotta sign this waiver."<<else if $purpose is "kill">>"I'm sure you two will make fine corpses," he says, "but we'd really prefer that you joined the ranks of the enslaved."<<else if $purpose is "pass">>"I'm afraid we've discontinued that option," he says. "Would you consider slavery?"<<endif>>\n\nHe throws down two paper airplanes. Athena unfolds one and scans the fine print. "By signing," the guard says, "you agree to let us beat you to within an inch of your lives and enslave you, at which time you forfeit all of your past, present, and future rights, in perpetuity."\n\n[["Where do I sign?"|Waiver][$sign="yes"]]\n[["I think I'll pass."|Waiver][$sign="no"]]

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Nice try, coward. Athena pins your robe to the ground with a throwing dagger, and you faceplant in the dirt. She smashes your staff against a tree. You scramble to your feet.\n\n[["That was uncalled for!"|Protest][$protest=1]]\n[["Kid, you've got me all wrong."|Protest][$protest=2]]\n[[Attack her|Attack]]

<<if $pissed is 3>>"But I'm a walking corpse."<<endif>>\s\n"Listen," Athena says, "I need to get through Dargtown, but I can't do it alone." She hesitates, trying to get a read on you. "If you help me, I'll see that the smithy there makes you a new staff."\n\n[["It better be bitchin'."|Agree][$resist=1]]\n[["Dargtown? You must be crazy."|Resist][$resist=2]]\n[["And if I refuse?"|Refuse][$resist=3]]

This game was created with [[Twine|http://twinery.org/]] and is powered by [[Tiddlywiki|http://tiddlywiki.com/]]. You can play episodes one and two [[here|http://philome.la/word_process]]. Visit me on [[Twitter|https://twitter.com/word_process]] for updates and announcements of new episodes.\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n-- Andrew\n\n[[Menu|Start]]

<<if visited("Pout") is 1>>"Okay," Athena says. "I'll wait." She ties your beard around a tree branch, leaving your head dangling upside down. "So a bear doesn't eat your face," she explains. Athena sits at the base of a tree and reads a book. You try to move your headless corpse but can barely lift a finger.\n\n[[Agree to go|Relent]]\n[[Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 2>>Athena hums to herself. The wind tickles your beard. A spider crawls across your eyeball.\n\n[[Agree to go|Relent]]\n[[Pout some more|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 3>>Athena catnaps. You jiggle your head in a fruitless attempt to loosen your beard-knot. A fox eats one of your fingers.\n\n[[Agree to go|Relent]]\n[[Keep hangin'|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 4>>Athena yawns and looks up at your head. "How's it going?" she asks. A fly investigates your nostril. The pinkish light of dawn seeps over the horizon.\n\n[["I've reconsidered."|Relent]]\n[["I'm doing great."|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 5>>The sun rises. Athena makes a fire and brews coffee in small pot. "Want some?" she asks. "Assuming you're ready to travel." You notice army ants marching away with little pieces of your body.\n\n[["Let's go."|Relent]]\n[["I'm good."|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 6>>Athena hunts and kills a rabbit for lunch. "It's not the royal kitchen," she says, "but I've had worse. Have you thought about my offer?" Maggots have infested your corpse.\n\n[["I give in."|Relent]]\n[["The view up here is actually pretty good."|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 7>>Athena does push-ups and crunches. A sparrow lands on your upended neck stump and sucks out your bone marrow. "Need a little help?" Athena asks.\n\n[["I'm ready already!"|Relent]]\n[["Nope."|Pout]]\n<<else if visited("Pout") is 8>>"Crimeny," Athena says. "Enough already." She cuts your head down with her sword, leaving a bit of beard behind. You feel the boil on your ass swell anxiously, despite your brain's separation from your body. Athena shoves your head into her backpack. You notice a hot glue gun among her possessions. She mutters irritably outside. You hear and kind of feel the scrape of your corpse being dragged across the ground.\n\n[[Request reassembly|Relent][$bitter=2]]\n[[Say nothing]]<<endif>>

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"Because it, ah, tenderizes your enemies," Zade says. He licks his lips.\n"Oh, gum," Athena says. "He's bombing." \nDarg scowls. He taps Zade's nose with the gun barrel. "I CALL...LITTLE DARG."\n"Of course, master," Zade says. "I'm sorry. It was a bloody joke."\n"YOU WANT BLOODY JOKE?"\n"Not really?"\n\nDarg pulls the trigger and blows Zade into meaty pieces. The crowd cheers. Darg grins and soaks up their adoration, certain that he is the funniest person alive.\n\n[["My staff!"|Lard][$concern=2]]\n[["Please tell me you know another smithy."|Lard][$concern=1]]\n[["I saw that coming."|Lard][$concern=0]]

Athena swings her sword and chops off your head. It tumbles from your shoulders and rolls into a tree trunk. You spit out a mouthful of dirt.\n"Was that really necessary?" you gurgle.\n"Here's the deal," she says, picking up your head by the beard. "When you agree to join me, I put it back on." Your headless body takes an awkward step toward Athena. She kicks it over easily.\n\n"What'll it be, Nimrod?"\n\n[["Okay, fine!"|Relent][$bitter is 0]]\n[["Screw you."|Pout]]\n[["When I get my staff, you're toast."|Relent][$bitter is 1]]

<<if visited("Play dead") is 1>>You stick out your tongue and roll your eyes up in your head. You're pretty sure that this is what death looks like. Maybe, when they sweep up all the body parts at the end of the day, you'll have a chance to reassemble yourself.\n"Hey," someone says, "that wizard is faking!"\n\n[[Crap.|Play dead]]<<else if visited("Play dead") is 2>>Darg groans, exasperated, and picks up Little Darg. He takes aim but hesitates. A nauseous frown spreads across his face. His stomach swells. He stares down in disbelief as a gleaming sword erupts from his belly and cleaves him nearly in half. He collapses, and Athena bursts, blood-soaked and screaming, from his chest.\n\n"I'm such a fucking champ!"\n\nThe audience murmurs uncomfortably. Beneath them, a rumble rises in the [[slave quarters|Play dead 2]].<<endif>>

<<if $fear is 0>>"I don't think we'd fair any better," Athena says. "He's had a lot of practice."<<else if $fear is 1>>"That actually sounds kind of good right now," Athena says.<<else if $fear is 2>>"Sure," Athena says, "a gentle flower."<<endif>>\n\nDarg slouches on his throne. Zade approaches, followed by four goblins hauling a covered cart. A PA system crackles. "And now," an announcer says, "that master among slaves, Zade the smithy, will offer a fine new arnament--aramanent? Armanament? Fuck it--to our merciless ruler, the almighty Darrrg!"\nThe audience applauds. Zade bows deeply.\n"WHAT THAT," Darg says.\n"I think you'll like it," Zade says.\n\n[["How do you know him, exactly?"|Tender Isaac][$gut="tell"]]\n[["Your smithy had better be the real deal."|Tender Isaac][$gut="doubt"]]\n[[Say nothing|Tender Isaac][$gut="kill"]]

"How else will I get to the Martian Fields?" She rolls her eyes like you're one of those grown-ups who just doesn't understand.\n\n[["Kid, are you after the Lost Continent?"|The Lost Continent]]\n[["You're gonna get slaughtered, kid."|Slaughter]]\n[["I want nothing to do with this."|Stubborn]]

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You're deep in a deadwood forest, face to face with Athena MacIntyre, whose dad you killed. She wears a chainmail vest over her faded t-shirt. She's got a sword in her hands and a revenge-y gleam in her eye.\n\nThink fast, wizard.\n\n[[Attack][$trust=0,$staff="intact"]]\n[[Flee][$trust=1,$staff="destroyed"]]\n[[Stall][$trust=2]]

The audience roars. The announcer blathers about Athena's unheard-of stunt and the master's inevitable comeback. Darg triumphantly spits out a clump of hair. He grins at you, reloads Little Darg, and opens fire.\n\n[[Run away]]\n[[Dodge the bullets|Dodge]]\n[[Charge him|Charge]]

<<if $v is "lick">>You slobber all over his hands with your leathery, dead tongue. He giggles like a baby and tosses you into the air. Others try to catch you, but you surprise them with weird-feeling licks. "Be careful," the slaver says. "He tickles like crazy!" You bounce from hand to hand, tickling your way through mercs and goblins, back toward the arena. By the time you've licked your way through the front row seats and toppled onto the arena floor, Darg is doing his stupid dance again.<<else if $v is "bite">>You bare your teeth and bite his finger clean off. He screams and tosses you into the air. Others try to catch you, but you're a digit-chomping machine, and as you bounce from hand to hand, you leave bloody knuckles and thumb-stumps in your wake. You bite your way through the stands until you're eating front-row fingers, and soon enough you're tossed back into the arena, where Darg is doing his stupid dance again.<<endif>>\n"Hey!" you say.\n\n[["Come get some."|Victory dismembered]]\n[["Yoo-hoo!"|Victory dismembered]]\n[["Dancing is for winners."|Victory dismembered]]