"I gotta take a leak," you say.\n"<<if $karma is -1>>Go ahead<<else if $karma is 0>>Be my guest<<else if $karma is 1>>It's just down the hall<<endif>>," <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says.\n\n<<if $karma lt 1>>You stumble into the trees for some privacy<<else if $karma is 1>>You hoof it to the john<<endif>> and unleash a stream that could fell a tree. You close your eyes and groan with relief. Why did you tell <<if $karma is -1>>those guys<<else>>that guy<<endif>> your life story? Why did you have to pee so badly? [[You open your eyes.|PD2]]

"So when Tennessee was born, <<if $loyalty is 1>>I gave thanks for my years of freedom and steeled myself for the task ahead, etcetera.<<else if $loyalty is 0>>it was like waking up on Monday with a hangover and thinking, 'Really? I have to go to work now?'<<else if $loyalty is -1>>my first thought was, 'the little bastard is going to ruin everything.'<<endif>> <<if $loyalty is 1>>Nevertheless, <<endif>>I <<if $loyalty gt -1>>kind of <<endif>>had a cloud over my head for the next couple decades. By the time I actually left for the United Islands, I was full-on depressed, and scared, too, because I didn't know what was going to happen when I delivered the message. Would I die instantly? <<print $headmaster>> had never told me, and by now he'd been dead for two hundred years."\n\n[["I traveled by land."|The palace][$route = "land"]]\n[["I traveled by sea."|The palace][$route = "sea"]]\n[["I traveled by air."|The palace][$route = "air"]]\n

The bandits transform into babies. "Aw, cute!" a guest says. The babies still have guns, though, and one of them fat-fingers his trigger while playing laser pointer, dicing you into a dozen pieces.\n\nYou double-down on your dislike for small children as the guests gather your chunks for pot pies. @@color:lime;You are dead@@.\n\n[[Tastes kinda gamey|Attack the bandits]]

"<<if $route is "land">>I shared the toll road with all the suckers hoping for a new home in the United Islands. My sneakers were toast when I reached the gate.<<else if $route is "sea">>I rode a fishing boat to the docks, happy to stay off the crowded road, but the fisherman mocked me for my worthless sea legs.<<else if $route is "air">>I splurged on an airship ride to the Royal Island. It's not like I needed to save my cash for anything, and I've got no stomach for sea travel.<<endif>> It wasn't hard to talk my way into the palace. With Tennessee's birthday celebration in full swing, security had gotten soft. I joined a line of well-wishers and was soon standing before the king. Before I could open my mouth, however, he said:\n\n'Who is this fool?'\n\n[["Nimrod Supertramp."|The irrevocable deed][$humility = 1]]\n[["My name is of no importance, sire."|The irrevocable deed][$humility = 2]]\n[["Excuse me?"|The irrevocable deed][$humility = 0]]

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We've been over this. You can't shave your beard.\n\n[[Settle for a room and some liquor|Accept offer][$reward = "room"]]\n[[Live the dream|Gimme those chops]]

This game was created with [[Twine|http://twinery.org/]] and is powered by [[Tiddlywiki|http://tiddlywiki.com/]]. You can play more episodes [[here|http://philome.la/word_process]]. Visit me on [[Twitter|https://twitter.com/word_process]] for updates and announcements of new episodes.\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n-- Andrew\n\n[[Menu|Start]]

<<if $karma is 1>>Why are you pissing in the woods? The inn has disappeared. You walk back to what you thought was a parlor and see a pair of tree stumps where you remember chairs. Your whiskey glass lies overturned on the ground.<<else if $karma is 0>>Why is it so dark? You whip around toward Nail's camp and see nothing. No fire, no tent, no trace. You trip in the dark and hear something shatter. Pieces of the mug Nail gave you lie scattered on the ground.<<else if $karma is -1>>Why is it so dark? You stagger back to the bandit camp but there is no camp, just the yawning mouth of the cave. You examine the ground for traces of the fire, but it's like no one was ever here. A gleam catches your eye. You see the canteen lying in the dirt.<<endif>> Your throat still tickles. You look around at the trees.\n\nYe thinks ye've been played.\n\n[[Look for a way out]]\n[[Consult your map]]\n<<if $karma is -1>>[[Enter the cave]]<<endif>>

@@font-size:60px;Zombie\nWizard@@\n@@font-size:35px;color:black;of the@@\n@@font-size:60px;Apocalypse@@<<if $outcome is "win">>Welcome back, Slayer of Hoversharks!<<endif>>\n@@font-size:25px;color:black;By Andrew Watt@@\n\n@@font-size:45px;color:black;Episode Two:@@\n@@font-size:45px;color:#00A6CF;The Most Wanted Man in Arth@@\n\n@@font-size:50px;[[Play|Excerpt]]@@\n@@font-size:25px;[[About]]@@

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You plunge into the dense, bony forest. There are no living things to be seen, and you hear nothing but the twigs cracking under your sneakers.\n\n[[Go North|Continue into forest][$direction = "N"]]\n[[Go East|Continue into forest][$direction = "E"]]\n[[Go South|Continue into forest][$direction = "S"]]\n[[Go West|Continue into forest][$direction = "W"]]

"I would be honored to groom you," the innkeeper says. He leads you into the Hog's Head and offers you a seat in the parlor. All of the guests watch as he goes to work on you with a razor and scissors. You hum a tune to keep your mind off the throbbing pain in your ass. Soon you have an awesome pair of muttonchops. "Behold," innkeeper says, and the guests applaud. The boil explodes, leaving a permanent, toxic stain on your chair. @@color:lime;You are dead@@, you idiot. The children present are scarred for life.\n\n[[I'm making you start from the beginning|Night falls]]

<<if $reaction is "scream">>//"WAAAAAAAAUGH!"// You whirl around<<else if $reaction is "poop">>Fortunately, you haven't eaten in months, so all that comes out is a high-pitched, cowardly fart. You turn around<<else if $reaction is "run">> You sprint headlong into a tree and down yourself. You look up<<endif>> and see a girl, about eighteen years old, staring at you. She's freckled and short and has a huge sword, which she points at you.\n\n"Show me your ass," she says.\n\n[["What? No."|Refuse]]\n[["I'm no saint, but I'm better than that."|Refuse]]\n[[Show her your ass][$resistance = -1]]

<<if $karma is -1>>Why are you sitting alone with a canteen full of piss? The fire is gone. The bandits are gone. There's no trace of them or their camp, just the yawning mouth of the cave.<<else if $karma is 0>>Where did Nail go? Where are his fire and tent? Why are you sitting alone in the dark with a teacup full of piss? There's literally no trace of the guy to whom you just emptied your soul.<<else if $karma is 1>>Why are you sitting in the forest with a glass full of piss? The inn has disappeared. Hammer is nowhere to be seen. Is this some kind of joke?<<endif>> Your throat still tickles. You look around at the trees.\n\nYe thinks ye've been played.\n\n[[Look for a way out]]\n[[Consult your map]]\n<<if $karma is -1>>[[Enter the cave]]<<endif>>

You wave your hand. <<set $limb = either("Fists", "Feet", "Noses")>><<$limb>> hail from the sky. <<if $limb is "Fists">>You love it when you get fists! They punch the bandits into tiny chunks.<<else if $limb is "Feet">>All right, feet! Not bad. They start kicking, and soon the bandits are retreating into the woods, whimpering and clutching their junk.<<else if $limb is "Noses">>Great. Everybody's favorite. They snort toward the bandits and scooch up their legs, using their nostrils like suction cups. A bandit peels one from his arm and flicks it away. "Gross," he says.\n\nThe inn guests look on with moon-eyed disappointment as the bandits pull their triggers and zap you into a neat pile of ash. The noses snort you like cocaine. @@color:lime;You are dead@@.<<endif>> <<if $limb is "Fists">>"Holy crap!" a guest cries. "You saved us!" The men, women, and children of the Hog's Head applaud. The innkeeper approaches you, wiping a tear from his muttonchops.\n\n"Thank you, kindly," he says. "How can I possibly repay you?"\n\n[["A wheelbarrow full of hot dogs, please."|Accept offer][$reward = "dogs"]]\n[["Your finest room and all the booze I can drink."|Accept offer][$reward = "room"]]\n<<choice [["I want chops like you've got."|I want chops]]>>\s\n<<else if $limb is "Feet">>"Holy crap!" a guest cries. "You saved us!" The men, women, and children of the Hog's Head applaud. The innkeeper approaches you, wiping a tear from his muttonchops.\n\n"Thank you, kindly," he says. "How can I possibly repay you?"\n\n[["A wheelbarrow full of hot dogs, please."|Accept offer][$reward = "dogs"]]\n[["Your finest room and all the booze I can drink."|Accept offer][$reward = "room"]]\n<<choice [["I want chops like you've got."|I want chops]]>>\n<<else if $limb is "Noses">>\n\n[[Smell that? It's not success|Attack the bandits]]<<endif>>

<<if $map is "destroyed">>The map scribbles //aaaaaaauuuuugh// as you tear it in two. The act of destruction boosts your spirits. <<endif>>You hike through the dead forest, eyes wide for anything resembling a path. The silence creeps you out. Every branch that cracks underfoot is like a gunshot. As you ponder the virtues of deforestation -- //whatthefuckwasthat?//\n\nYou look over your shoulder. Nothing. The most wanted man in Arth is afraid of the dark. If Marvyn could you see you now...\n\n"Freeze, wizard," someone says.\n\n[[Scream|Turn around][$reaction = "scream"]]\n[[Poop your pants|Turn around][$reaction = "poop"]]\n[[Run like hell|Turn around][$reaction = "run"]]

The lead bandit shakes his head. "We could have had such a cool time." The bandits all fire at once, and you don't really have the heart to defend yourself.\n\nYou //did// make it weird. Why are you always so sarcastic? As your particles split into sub-particles, etc., you regret getting so drunk at Marvyn's birthday party last year. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@\n\n[[You ruin everything|Night falls]]

You raise your staff. How will you waste the guests?\n\n[[Cast dance fever]]\n[[Conjure vaporous odor]]\n[[Summon goblin tickle squad]]\n[[Roll the Die of Transfiguration]]

<<set $product = either("bear", "mouse", "bee", "money", "hovershark", "freshener")>>\s\n<<if $product is "bear">>The guests turn into bears. Shit shit shit. You make a run for it, but the bears catch up and rip you to pieces. The fact that your flesh is rotten doesn't stop them from eating you. As the bears scoop out your brains like pudding, you concede that you never were much of a gambl-//errrk!// @@color:lime;You are dead@@.\n\n[[The Die pities you not!|Attack the guests]]<<else if $product is "mouse">>The guests turn into mice. The squeak in terror and scamper into the woodwork. Hmm. Not as badass as you'd prefer, but you got the job done.<<set $roll to "success">>\s\n<<else if $product is "bee">>The guests turn into bees. They swarm the bandits. Oops. "They're in my eyes!" one screams. The bandits soon succumb to fatal stings. Well, two birds, one stone, you suppose.\n\nYou hear a faint buzz and realize a rogue bee has sought you out. Something tickles your leg. It's inside your robe. You feel a wet pop when the bee stings the boil. As you dance the mortal coil shuffle, it occurs to you that you're like Achilles, but much more gross. @@color:lime;You are dead@@.\n\n[[The Die pities you not!|Attack the guests]]\n<<else if $product is "money">>The guests turn into wads of cash! The bandits cheer and you all stuff as much money into your pockets as you can carry.<<set $roll to "success">><<set $item to "money">>\s\n<<else if $product is "freshener">>The guests turn into pine-scented air fresheners. Huh. That's a new one. You pocket a couple, you know, just in case.<<set $roll to "success">><<set $item to "freshener">>\s\n<<else if $product is "hovershark">>The guests turn into hoversharks. They float silently toward you. The bandits flee in terror. You don't stand a chance.\n\nJust quit now.\n\n[[Restart the game|Night falls]]\n[[I want to fight a hovershark]]<<endif>>\s\n<<if $roll is "success">> The muscliest bandit with the biggest gun approaches you.\n\n"You're all right," he says. "Why don't you spend the night at our camp?"\n\n[["You got any hot dogs?"|Follow bandits]]\n[["Sure. What's the worst that could happen?"|Follow bandits][$savvy = "on"]]\n<<choice [["Uh, trap much?"|Trap]]>><<endif>>

You rattle the door handle. It's locked. "You're not supposed to be here," the dwarf says.\n"Let me through this door," you say.\n"Make me an offer," he says, "and I might."\n<<if $item is "money">>"I've got some money," you say. "It used to be people, but it looks legit."\n"I have plenty of money," the dwarf says, "now scram."\nThe door vanishes with a //pop//.\n\n[[Exit|Look for a way out]]\n<<else if $item is "freshener">>"I've got some air fresheners," you say. "They're pine-scented."\n"It //is// pretty dank in here," the dwarf says. "I'll take one."\n\nHe opens the door. You step into a narrow tunnel and hand the dwarf an air freshener. He takes a long, intoxicating whiff. "Listen," he says, pointing down the tunnel, "there's a girl out there who needs to see your butt." He goes back into the cave and closes the door. You walk down the tunnel and come to a winding stone staircase.\n\n[[Ascend|Show her your ass]]\n<<else>>"I was kind of hoping for a freebie."\n"Get stuffed."\nThe door vanishes with a //pop//.\n\n[[Exit|Look for a way out]]<<endif>>

<<set $outcome = either("lose", "lose", "lose", "lose", "lose", "win")>>\s\n<<if $outcome is "lose">>You spam hexes to no avail. The nearest hovershark chomps the head off your staff, rendering it useless. The next one chomps the head off your neck, rendering you @@color:lime;dead@@. Just before its jaws crush your skull, you glimpse the rest of the hoversharks joining fins for a celebratory line dance.\n\n[[You're lucky to have witnessed this rare sight|Attack the guests]]\n<<else if $outcome is "win">>You spam the hoversharks with every hex and curse you know, but of course they kill you -- wait a minute. Holy shit. You killed them all with that chain lightning. You lucky bastard.\n\n"That was skill," you say.\n\nBullshit, but congratulations nonetheless. You, uh, win the game, I guess. Normally, you'd sit at a campfire and tell the bandits your life story, and then they'd disappear, and then you'd meet this girl who demands to see your ass -- honestly, it just doesn't seem like a worthy follow-up for a guy who just killed half a dozen hoversharks. So yeah. Thanks for playing, and...I'll see you in the next episode?\n\nYou can play again if you want the story and stuff.\n\n[[Restart|Start]]<<endif>>

The three surviving bandits move to inspect the bodies. "Don't get too close," you tell them, "it's contagious." The muscliest bandit with the biggest gun approaches you.\n\n"You're all right," he says. "Why don't you spend the night at our camp?"\n\n[["You got any hot dogs?"|Follow bandits]]\n[["Sure. What's the worst that could happen?"|Follow bandits][$savvy = "on"]]\n<<choice [["Uh, trap much?"|Trap]]>>

You bite your lip and rip ass. The toxic fumes gather, and you realize you've failed to lift your robe, which grows damp and heavy with deadly gas. You ponder the virtues of conventional legwear as you're smothered by your own fart. @@color:lime;You are dead@@, you sick fuck.\n\n[[Seriously, gross|Attack the guests]]

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<<if $resistance is 2>>You lift your staff for a sick-nasty hex but the girl knocks it out your hand. "Don't fuck with me, wizard!" She drops you with a kick to the knee joints and pins you down. "Believe me," she says, "I'm not doing this for fun." She grabs the hem of your robe and yanks it up. You feel a chill hit your ass. The boil twitches anxiously. The girl yanks your robe back down.\n\n"Seen enough?" you say.\n\n"My name is Athena MacIntyre," she says, "and you killed my dad."<<else if $resistance is 1>>The girl drops you with a kick to the knee joints and pins you down. "Believe me," she says, "I'm not doing this for fun." She grabs the hem of your robe and yanks it up. You feel a chill hit your ass. The boil twitches anxiously. The girl yanks your robe back down.\n\n"Seen enough?" you say.\n\n"My name is Athena MacIntyre," she says, "and you killed my dad."<<else if $resistance is -1>>You reluctantly lift up your robe to expose your pale gray ass. The boil twitches anxiously.\n\n"I've seen enough," the girl says. She raises her sword. "My name is Athena MacIntyre, and you killed my dad."<<else if visited("The tunnel")>>You emerge into the forest. There's a girl standing with her back to you about ten feet away.\n\n"Excuse me," you say. The girl turns around. She's short and freckled, maybe eighteen years old, and carries a huge sword, which she points at you. "Do you need to see my ass?"\n\n"Uh, yeah," she says. "How did you know that?" You turn around and lift your robe, revealing your pasty behind. The boil twitches anxiously. "I've seen enough." You lower your robe and face the girl. She raises her sword.\n\n"My name is Athena MacIntyre," she says, "and you killed my dad."<<endif>>\n\n@@color:#E6E6E6;font-family:impact;TO BE CONTINUED...@@\n\n@@color:lime;font-size:22px;//Nimrod Supertramp will return in EPISODE THREE: "THE LARDS OF DARGTOWN!"//@@\n[[Menu|Start]]

You stare into the fire, reliving your crappy memories. When you look back at <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin, Gupney, and Wart<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>>, <<if $karma is -1>>their<<else>>his<<endif>> eyes are bottomless pools of darkness. You blink, and they appear normal. A trick of the light, maybe? Your throat tickles and you suddenly have to pee.\n\nLike, //really// have to pee.\n\n[[Excuse yourself|Pee with dignity]]\n[[Pee in <<if $karma is -1>>the canteen<<else if $karma is 0>>your cup<<else if $karma is 1>>your glass<<endif>>|Pee without]]

"Forgive me."\n\nYou lean back, close your eyes, and unleash a stream that could fell a dragon. Why did you tell <<if $karma is -1>>these guys<<else>>this guy<<endif>> your life story? Why do you have to pee so badly? [[You open your eyes.|PW2]]

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The Most Wanted Man in Arth

"My headmaster, <<cyclinglink "Professor" "Doctor" "The Inimitable" "His Wickedness" "The Sorcerific" "Ragin'" "'Shifty'" "Cap'n">> <<cyclinglink "Cornelius" "Warwick" "Armond" "Gustopher" "Quinston" "Spanky" "Joe Don" "Bluto">> <<cyclinglink $headmaster "Fumblebum" "Gerbersnertch" "Zelig" "Barsnarfer" "Plumbscomb" "Furrowbrow" "Schwingwhistle" "Wonderballs">>, <<if $performance is "great">>rewarded my magidemic prowess with<<else if $performance is "average">>attempted to rouse me from my averageness by giving me<<else if $performance is "bad">>seeing an opportunity to redeem me, gave me<<endif>> a special assignment upon graduation: I was to deliver a message to King Tennessee MacIntyre of Arth, the fabled peacemaker, who was destined to avert nuclear disaster, unite the Allied Worlds, and rule justly for many years."\n\n"Wait a minute," <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says. "Didn't none of that happen? Wasn't Tennessee murdered?"\n\n[["I'm getting to that."|The journey][$impatience = 1]]\n[["Yes, but the context is important."|The journey][$impatience = 0]]\n[["Oh! Would //you// like to tell the story?"|The journey][$impatience = 2]]

You retrieve your map from your rucksack. It's too dark to see clearly. You squeeze your staff for some reading light. The map depicts a vast woods. Helpful. "Zoom in," you say. The map erases and illustrates a smaller selection. "Where am I?"\n\nThe map draws an X and scribbles, //You are here.//\n\n"Where is here?"\n\n//Fucked//, the map scribbles, //that's where you are//.\n\n[[Rip your map in half|Look for a way out][$map = "destroyed"]]\n[[Look for a way out]]

When the flattery subsides, the innkeeper, called Hammer, brings you a glass of whiskey. He takes a chair opposite you and sips his own drink. "I have to ask," he says. "Where in Arth did you learn magic like that?"\n\n"I received my training from the <<cyclinglink "Royal" "Esteemed" "Ancient" "Secret" "First-rate" "Badass" "Budget" "Pretty-Okay" "Dubious" "No-Refunds">> <<cyclinglink $school1 "Sorcery" "Wizarding" "Shadow Arts" "Bedevilry" "Magicraft" "Whizbang" "Spell-Spammin'" "HocusFocus" "U-Do-Voodoo" "Finger-Point-Head-Go-Boom">> <<cyclinglink $school2 "Academy" "Institute" "College" "Night School" "Certification Program" "Workshop" "Camp" "Intensive Weekend" "Online Crash Course" "pamphlet I found in my backyard">>."\n\n[["Perhaps you've heard of it?"|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 1]]\n[["You wouldn't know it."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 2]]\n[["It was a long time ago."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 0]]

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/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #140A00;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #140A00; color: #FF3300;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #FF9900;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #FFCC00;\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #140A00;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #140A00; color: #FF3300;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #FF9900;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #FFCC00;\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

<<if $name is "Nimrod">>"Nim-rod," he says. "<<else if $name is "unknown">>"Your sneakers," he says. "They are wizardly kicks. <<else if $name is "Bojangles">>"I highly doubt that," he says, "but I shall indulge you. <<endif>>Are you powerful?"\n\n[["You can't imagine."|Nimrod's power][$pride = 1]]\n[["I'm pretty good."|Nimrod's power][$pride = 0]]\n[[Do a magic trick|Nimrod's power][$pride = 2]]

"SHOW ME YOUR ASS," the girl says. She raises her sword menacingly.\n\n[["I'm not gonna do that."|Show her your ass][$resistance = 1]]\n[[Attack|Show her your ass][$resistance = 2]]\n[[Show her your ass][$resistance = -1]]

"Tell me, Wizard," Coffin says, "where'd you learn magic like that?"\n\n"I received my training from the <<cyclinglink "Royal" "Esteemed" "Ancient" "Secret" "First-rate" "Badass" "Budget" "Pretty-Okay" "Dubious" "No-Refunds">> <<cyclinglink $school1 "Sorcery" "Wizarding" "Shadow Arts" "Bedevilry" "Magicraft" "Whizbang" "Spell-Spammin'" "HocusFocus" "U-Do-Voodoo" "Finger-Point-Head-Go-Boom">> <<cyclinglink $school2 "Academy" "Institute" "College" "Night School" "Certification Program" "Workshop" "Camp" "Intensive Weekend" "Online Crash Course" "pamphlet I found in my backyard">>."\n\n[["Perhaps you've heard of it?"|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 1]]\n[["You wouldn't know it."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 2]]\n[["It was a long time ago."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 0]]

Like you even know what direction you're going<<if $direction is "W">>, Fievel<<endif>>. You stumble through some more trees and come to a <<if $direction is "N">> clearing. The moon shines above you. You cross the open space, keeping an eye out for beasties.<<else if $direction is "E">>stream. Well, it used to be a stream, anyway. It's all dried up now. You follow it to the muddy remnants of a pond and step onto the shore.<<else if $direction is "S">>bridge, rotting and warped. You cross it gingerly, and it creaks under your weight. You step onto a dirt path.<<else if $direction is "W">>grove, once cared for, now lifeless and constricted by gray weeds. To think that people lived here.<<endif>> You spy light beyond the trees. A campfire.\n\n[[Approach|Approach campfire]]\n[[Move on|Get lost]]

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"What was the message?" <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says.\n"I was supposed to warn Tennessee about an assassination attempt."\n"Wow," <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says. "Though I may be <<if $karma is -1>>an illiterate bandit<<else if $karma is 0>>a doddering woodsman<<else if $karma is 1>>a humble innkeeper<<endif>>, the irony is not lost on me."\n\n[["Please, rub it in."|Stranger danger]]\n[["You picked up on that, huh?"|Stranger danger]]\n[[Say nothing|Stranger danger]]

"<<if $scorn is 0>>Had I not fried his ass with a fireball.<<else if $scorn is 1>>But frying his ass with a fireball didn't seem unreasonable at the time.<<else if $scorn is 2>>And I fried his ass with a fireball.<<endif>> The royals had a fit, naturally, and I had to high-tail it out of there. As I fled, I transformed. My skin shriveled, my heart stopped, and all the life in my body drained into a boil on my ass. If this consequence was by design, the meaning is lost on me. Anyway, I was meant to complete a simple task and die, but I failed, and I'm alive."\n\n//[[Sort of.|Oops 2]]//

<<if $reward is "room">>"That's what I was going to offer you, but asking for it seems kinda presumptious, doncha think?"\nYou wiggle your fingers and mumble some nonsense.\n"Not that you haven't earned it! This way, please."<<else if $reward is "dogs">>"I'm afraid I've no hot dogs," the innkeeper says, "but I can offer you my finest room and all the booze you can drink."<<endif>>\n\nYou follow the innkeeper inside. He offers you an armchair in the parlor next to the fireplace, and the guests line up to offer their thanks. You meet Hal and Sue, country migrants, young Deedee, a cheerful orphan, and Doc Walker, a traveling physician. They're all traveling to the United Islands, hoping for better lives.\n\n[[Chumps.|Fireplace]]

<<if $arrogance is 0>>"<<print either("Haven't heard of it", "That sounds vaguely familiar")>>,"<<else if $arrogance is 1>>"<<print either("I have, actually", "No, I'm afraid not")>>,"<<else if $arrogance is 2>>"<<print either("Sure I do", "I hear that place isn't all it's cracked up to be")>>,"<<endif>> <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says.\n"It was five hundred years ago," you say.\n\nYou're feeling unusually talkative...\n\n[["I was head of my class."|The quest][$performance = "great"]]\n[["I was an average student."|The quest][$performance = "average"]]\n[["I was a total slacker."|The quest][$performance = "bad"]]

You raise your staff. How will you waste the bandits?\n\n[[Cast babyfication hex]]\n[[Conjure rain of limbs]]\n[[Summon murder gnomes]]\n[[Levitation, holmes]]

Goblins leap down from the trees and tickle the guests mercilessly. They laugh like they've never laughed in their humdrum mortal lives. The bandits scratch their heads and watch. Eventually the goblins get bored and start square-dancing. The innkeeper wipes a tear from his eye. \n\n"I must say," he says, "that was refreshing." He pumps his shotgun and blows off your head. The gunfight resumes, goblins dancing oblivously in its midst. As your brains splatter the trees, you concede with what faculties remain that this spell is not one of your best. @@color:lime;You are dead@@.\n\n[[They can't all be winners|Attack the guests]]

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Night falls. The boil twitches. You need to find shelter. Dead forest surrounds you. Distant light shines beyond a bend in the road.\n\n[[Follow the road]]\n[[Enter the forest|Enter forest][$karma = 0]]

Your staff emits a pulsating neon light. You unhinge your jaw and a pumping disco melody spills out.\n\nThe guests begin to sweat. They look at one another nervously, drop their weapons, and start dancing. The light from your staff spins wildly. The melody plays faster. The bandits scratch their heads as the guests dance with increased fervor. One of them collapses. The others don't notice. They sweat and dance and fall one by one until the last guest pumps a final fist skyward and [[faceplants on the porch.|Dance 2]]

You squeeze your staff for light and step inside. <<set $easteregg = either("author", "egg", "empty")>>\s\n<<if $easteregg is "empty">>The cave is empty. You check the walls for hidden doors but find nothing. What a gyp! You kick some pebbles out of spite.\n\n[[Exit|Look for a way out]]\n<<else if $easteregg is "egg">>At the back of the cave you find a large egg decorated with pastel colors. "Clever," you say. "That was //so// worth it."\n\n[[Exit|Look for a way out]]\n<<else if $easteregg is "author">>You find a skanky dwarf scribbling in a thick tome. He slams it shut when he sees you and runs through a door at the back of the cave.\n\n[[Follow him|The tunnel]]\n[[Exit|Look for a way out]]<<endif>>

You thump the ground with your staff. The burning car rises into the air. You tilt your staff toward your body and the hovering car mirrors it. Wind that sucker up. With one forward thrust, the car flies toward the bandits and smashes them with a satisfying crunch.\n\n"Holy crap!" a guest cries. "You saved us!" The men, women, and children of the Hog's Head applaud. The innkeeper approaches you, wiping a tear from his muttonchops.\n\n"Thank you, kindly," he says. "How can I possibly repay you?"\n\n[["A wheelbarrow full of hot dogs, please."|Accept offer][$reward = "dogs"]]\n[["Your finest room and all the booze I can drink."|Accept offer][$reward = "room"]]\n<<choice [["I want chops like you've got."|I want chops]]>>

A bald, cloaked man pokes his head out of the tent. <<if $honesty lt 0>>"Untrue!" he says. "A wizard is there!"<<else if $honesty gt 0>>"Well, well," he says, "a wizard!"<<else if $honesty eq 0>>"Aha!" he says. "I know a wizard when I see one."<<endif>> The man gets on his feet. He's skinny, weirdly ageless, and has a glimmer of crazy in his eye. "Come to the fire," he says. "We needn't fear one another."\n\n<<if visited("Get lost") gt 2>>Creepy magic campfire notwithstanding, this guy seems harmless. <<endif>>You sit on a log by his fire. He hands you a cup of tea and takes a seat across from you. "My name is Nail," he says.\n\n[["Nimrod."|Talk with Nail][$name = "Nimrod"]]\n[["How did you know that I'm a wizard?"|Talk with Nail][$name = "unknown"]]\n[["They call me Bojangles."|Talk with Nail][$name = "Bojangles"]]

"<<if $humility is 0>>'You heard me, beardy,' he said. 'What are you doing here?'<<else if $humility is 1>>'Yikes,' he said. 'That's unfortunate.'<<else if $humility is 2>>'Listen to Humble Pie,' he said. 'Pathetic.'<<endif>>\n'I have a message for you,' I said.\n'What? That they're out of laundry detergent in lower Arth? I wouldn't use that robe for a skeet blanket.' The court guffawed. Tennessee high-fived one of his stewards.\n\n<<if $loyalty is 1>>//Enough is enough//, I thought. //I'm taking Tennessee off the map.//<<else if $loyalty is 0>>//He mocked our wizardly duds//, I thought. //He has to die.//<<else if $loyalty is -1>>//That's it//, I thought. //Fuck this kid.//<<endif>>"\n\n"Wait a minute," <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says. "I thought this guy was supposed to be a saint."\n\n[["Maybe he would have been..."|Oops][$scorn = 0]]\n[["Trust me, he was a shithead."|Oops][$scorn = 2]]\n[["I may have been a little impulsive."|Oops][$scorn = 1]]\n

Its guests are exchanging gunfire with a bandit gang. A car burns in the road between them. The inn is called The Hog's Head, according to a bullet-riddled sign, and the muskets of the guests are no match for the bandit laser rifles.\n\n[[Attack the bandits][$karma = 1]]\n[[Attack the guests][$karma = -1]]\n[[Fuck this, I'm out|Enter forest][$karma = 0]]

@@font-family:"Times New Roman";font-size:18pt;"Nimrod had one job, and hundreds of years to prepare for it. I mean, he's only even still here because -- I'm sorry, Phil, can we not talk about this right now? I don't want to get upset and kill you in a blind rage."\n\n- Marvyn the Devourer, from //Kappelman's History of Arth//@@\n\n[[Continue|Night falls]]

<<if $pride is 2>>You tilt your staff toward the fire. The flames assume the form of a curvacious belly dancer. Finger cymbals clack in the distance. Nail arches an eyebrow. "I see your talents have not been wasted," he says.<<else>> "And modest," Nail says.<<endif>> "Tell me, <<if $name is "Nimrod">>Nimrod, <<else if $name is "Bojangles">>Bojangles, <<endif>>how did you come to be <<if $pride is 0>>pretty good<<else if $pride is 1>>unimaginably powerful<<else if $pride is 2>>so skilled<<endif>>?"\n\n"I received my training from the <<cyclinglink "Royal" "Esteemed" "Ancient" "Secret" "First-rate" "Badass" "Budget" "Pretty-Okay" "Dubious" "No-Refunds">> <<cyclinglink $school1 "Sorcery" "Wizarding" "Shadow Arts" "Bedevilry" "Magicraft" "Whizbang" "Spell-Spammin'" "HocusFocus" "U-Do-Voodoo" "Finger-Point-Head-Go-Boom">> <<cyclinglink $school2 "Academy" "Institute" "College" "Night School" "Certification Program" "Workshop" "Camp" "Intensive Weekend" "Online Crash Course" "pamphlet I found in my backyard">>," you say.\n\n[["Perhaps you've heard of it?"|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 1]]\n[["You wouldn't know it."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 2]]\n[["It was a long time ago."|Nimrod's origins][$arrogance = 0]]

The light shines brighter as you continue down the road. Is that popcorn popping you hear? You recognize the silhouette of a building beyond the trees.\n\nYou round the bend and [[see an inn.|The inn]]

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You sneak toward the fire. A tent stands next to it. Somebody's humming inside. A branch cracks loudly under your foot. The humming stops. "Is someone there?"\n\n[["Nope."|Enter campsite][$honesty = -1]]\n[["Maybe?"|Enter campsite][$honesty = 1]]\n[[Say nothing|Enter campsite][$honesty = 0]]

"<<if $impatience is 0>>Fair enough<<else if $impatience is 1>>Just go easy on the exposition<<else if $impatience is 2>>All right, fine<<endif>>," <<if $karma is -1>>Coffin<<else if $karma is 0>>Nail<<else if $karma is 1>>Hammer<<endif>> says.<<if $impatience is 0>> "Proceed."<<else if $impatience is 2>> "Have it your way."<<endif>>\n\n"<<if $impatience is 0>>The thing is<<else if $impatience is 1>>As I was saying<<else if $impatience is 2>>As I was saying before you interrupted<<endif>>, Tennessee wasn't born yet, and the message wasn't due until his 24th birthday. I had a couple centuries to kill before the queen popped him out, so <<print $headmaster>> enchanted me: I would live until my quest was completed. I bummed around Arth for a while, did some magic tricks, learned guitar, made friends with monsters -- which actually kind of pissed off the wizarding community -- and pretty much lived it up."\n\n[["I never forgot about my quest, though."|The countdown][$loyalty = 1]]\n[["I kind of forgot about my quest, to be honest."|The countdown][$loyalty = 0]]\n[["I started to resent that bullshit quest."|The countdown][$loyalty = -1]]

<<if $savvy is "on">>\s\n"We could get bored and kill you."\n<<else>>\s\n"What are you, five? No. We have hooch."\n<<endif>>\s\n\nYou follow the bandits through the bony woods. The leader calls himself Coffin. The other two, a pair of skeevy lookalikes, are named Gupney and Wart. They lead you to a cave where they've concealed their camp. Soon you're sitting around a fire, passing a rusty canteen of [[hair-raising moonshine.|Bandits 2]]

Andrew Watt

Dead-eyed gnomes sprout from the earth and hack the bandits to death with spades and trowels. It's kind of disturbing, to be honest, especially when the gnomes hollow out their victims' chest cavities and plant tomato seeds inside.\n\nThe guests fidget uncomfortably. The innkeeper approaches you with caution. "Thanks for, um, saving us?" he says. His eyes dart toward the gnomes, who are singing a merry work song. "How can I possibly repay you?"\n\n[["A wheelbarrow full of hot dogs, please."|Accept offer][$reward = "dogs"]]\n[["Your finest room and all the booze I can drink."|Accept offer][$reward = "room"]]\n<<choice [["I want chops like you've got."|I want chops]]>>

<<if visited("Get lost") is 1>>You press on through the woods. The dead trees creak in the wind. You climb a hill and spy light just ahead. The campfire. Have you walked in a circle? Doesn't seem like it.\n\n[[Approach|Approach campfire]]\n[[Move on|Get lost]]<<endif>>\s\n<<if visited("Get lost") is 2>>You keep walking. The dead trees creak some more. You cross a ditch on a moldy plank and see light just beyond the trees. The campfire. Is it following you? No, that would be ridiculous.\n\n[[Approach|Approach campfire]]\n[[Move on|Get lost]]<<endif>>\s\n<<if visited("Get lost") is 3>>You hike through a ravine. Jagged stone walls tower on either side of you. When you emerge into the forest, you see...the campfire. Either this forest is full of fires or you're going insane.\n\n[[Approach|Approach campfire]]\n[[Move on|Get lost]]<<endif>>\s\n<<if visited("Get lost") is 4>>You turn in the opposite direction, walk about ten feet, and see...that fucking campfire.\n\n[[Approach|Approach campfire]]\n[[Move on|Get lost]]<<endif>>\s\n<<if visited("Get lost") is 5>>You step forward, and you're standing right in front of the fire. There's a tent next to it. Somebody's humming inside. A branch cracks loudly under your foot. The humming stops. "Is someone there?"\n\n[["Nope."|Enter campsite][$honesty = -1]]\n[["Maybe?"|Enter campsite][$honesty = 1]]\n[[Say nothing|Enter campsite][$honesty = 0]]<<endif>>

"You just had to go there, didn't you?" the bandit says. "All we wanted was to sit around the campfire and swap stories with a new friend." The other bandits nod in agreement. "But you had to make it all weird." He raises his laser rifle. "And now it can't be not weird." The other bandits take aim.\n\n"It's not weird," you say. [["It's totally fine."|Trap 2]]