Are you sure? That doesn't sound like you.\n\n[[I'm sure]]\n[[Kick him in the nuts instead]]

"Fine," Steve says. "I won't try to be helpful." He fires his laser pistol and vaporizes you. As your bodily particles disintegrate, you ponder -- oops, ponder faster next time. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@\n\n[[Just spitballing here: you might have an attitude problem|Fight]]

Steve draws his laser pistol. How will you waste him?\n\n[[Cast diarrhea hex]]\n[[Conjure mystical shotgun]]\n[[Summon Marvyn the Devourer]]\n[[Talk sense into him]]

@@font-size:60px;Zombie\nWizard@@\n@@font-size:35px;color:black;of the@@\n@@font-size:60px;Apocalypse@@\n@@font-size:25px;color:black;By Andrew Watt@@\n\n@@font-size:45px;color:black;Episode One:@@\n@@font-size:45px;color:#8A2E2E;On the Road Again@@\n\n@@font-size:50px;[[Play|Excerpt]]@@\n@@font-size:25px;[[About]]@@

ERROR: page not found.\n\n[[Lie to him]]\n[[Lie to him]]\n[[Lie to him]]\n[[Lie to him]]

"You only call me when you need help fighting something," he says. You can hear jazz in the background. He's probably baking or something. "So what is it?"\n\n[["Just some guy."]]\n[["The Gorgonanth."]]\n[["Nyvram the Regurgitator."]]

Marvyn descends in a flurry of writhing tentacles and beating wings. He's like a squid-dragon, kind of. He wears a pointy German pickelhaube on his T-Rex head.\n\n[[You wave.|Lie to him]]

<<if $bluff is "who">>"Steve," the man says. "That's me. I'm Steve. I want to know. I'm a bounty hunter. You're the person that I'm hunting for the bounty."\n\nHis fingers tickle his holster.<<else if $bluff is "lie">>The man grins, unpersuaded. "I don't think I could mistake the most wanted man in Arth." He unrolls a weathered wanted poster and holds it out. That's your dead mug, all right. He assumes a wide-legged gunslinger's stance.\n\n"If that's not you, then I'm not Steve the bounty hunter."<<else if $bluff is "dumb">>He sniffs derisively. "I hope your magic is strong, wizard. You'll need more than limp wit to defeat Steve the bounty hunter." He hesitates before reaching for his pistol.\n\n"I'm Steve the bounty hunter," he says, "in case that wasn't clear."<<endif>>\n\n[[Fight]]\n[[Run]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #330000;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #330000; color: #FFFF33;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #FF3300;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

You didn't get to be the badass you are today by taking conventional routes! Besides, the main road is swarming with highwaymen. Unfortunately, your sneakers aren't waterproof, and there's tingling sludge between your toes in no time. It's getting deeper, too. You're up to your knees in this stuff.\n\n[[Press onward]]\n[[Climb up to the road]]

<<if visited("For real") is 1>>"This pickelhaube -- [[look it up|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickelhaube]] -- belonged to SuperKaiser DeFoul, whom I defeated handily almost a month ago, which you would know if you ever paid attention to anyone other than yourself!" Marvyn wipes away a tear with one tentacle and snatches Steve with another.\n\n"Wait!" Steve says. Marvyn [[bites off his head|For real]].<<else if visited("For real") is 2>>"Look what you made me do," he says. "I'm going to eat this whole guy because of you." He beats his wings and opens a new portal, unhappily munching on Steve all the while. "I think my helmet is cool."\n\nHe skulks back into his dimension.\n\n[[Hit the road]]<<endif>>

You dive headlong into the tingling sludge. As you spread your arms for a breaststroke, you notice your skeletal limbs and realize that the sludge has eaten your flesh. You ponder the virtues of treating pools with chlorine as you dissolve into a pile of bones. Your brain melts like fondue. @@color:#CC0000;You are dead.@@\n\n[[Try checking your map next time|Leave the bus]]

You hear pots and pans clatter on Marvyn's end. "Are you serious?"\n\n[["100 percent, pal."]]\n[["Nah, just yanking your tentacle."]]

You didn't get to be the badass you are today by running, either. Perhaps you meant [[fight|Fight]]?

"You're the biggest asshole in Arth!"\n\nMarvyn vomits fire into your face. As you burn to a crisp, you ponder the humorlessness of devourers in general and Marvyn in particular. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@ Steve collects your ashes for his cat's litterbox. Moody because of your insensitivity, Marvyn terrorizes the land for 1,000 years.\n\n[[Uh...worth it?|Fight]]

You wake up in the school bus. A muted sunrise penetrates its grimy windows. You roll up your sleeping bag, shoulder your rucksack, and grab your gnarly staff. The boil on your ass throbs, as though it, too, has just woken up. You notice your reflection in the rearview mirror. You're looking more gray and mottled than usual, and damn, that beard is scraggly.\n\n[[Shave your beard|Shave]]\n[[Leave the bus]]\n

<<if visited("Lie to him") is 1>>"We're really doing this, huh? Let me get my stuff!" You hear doors and drawers slamming on Marvyn's end. "I'm opening a portal now!"\n\nThe air shimmers and [[a hole opens in the sky|Marvyn]].<<else if visited("Lie to him") is 2>>"Wait a minute," Marvyn says. He pauses in mid-air. "Where's the Gorgonanth? Who's this guy?"\n"I'm Steve," says Steve.\n\nMarvyn glares at you. "Un-fucking-believable."\n\n[["Heh-heh. Chump."]]\n[["Hey, as long as you're here..."]]\n[["Are you for real with that helmet?"|For real]]<<endif>>

You hoist yourself up with a bony branch and begin to climb. Your legs tingle oddly, but the feeling passes. When you're near the top, a man grabs your arm and helps you onto the main road. He wears leather armor and carries a laser pistol. A Jolly Roger and other rad patches are sewn into his sleeves.\n\n"Nimrod Supertramp," he says, "is that you?"\n\n[["Who wants to know?"|Busted][$bluff="who"]]\n[["I'm afraid you're mistaken."|Busted][$bluff="lie"]]\n[["What a dumb name."|Busted][$bluff="dumb"]]

"A human?" Marvyn says. "You called me for some random mortal jag?"\n"I'm right here," Steve says.\nMarvyn sighs. "Unbelievable." He disconnects.\n\nSteve whistles. "Sounds like your friendship is a little strained."\n\n[[Cast diarrhea hex]]\n[[Conjure mystical shotgun]]\n[["Shut the fuck up, Steve."]]

"You're never going to let that go, are you? As if you've never had too much to drink and embarrassed yourself. Are you even even actually fighting something?"\n\n[["Just some guy."]]\n[["The Gorgonanth."]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color:#FF9900;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color:#FF9900; color: #1A1A1A;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #4C4C4C\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #990033;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #990033; color: #FF66FF;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color:#33CCFF;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color:#CCCCCC;\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

Andrew Watt

<<if visited("I'm sure") is 1>>"Listen," you say, "buddy. Let's talk about this whole you killing me for a bounty thing. How much are they offering, exactly?"\n"700 million dollars," Steve says.\n"Wow," you say. [["I'd kill me for that."|I'm sure]]<<else if visited("I'm sure") is 2>>Steve pulls the trigger and vaporizes you. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@ Your rucksack falls to the ground. Steve picks it up and finds a "buy one, get one free" coupon for Galileo's Pizza Laboratory inside. "Hot damn!" he says. "This is the best day of my life."\n\n[[Try killing him next time|Fight]]<<endif>>

You didn't get to be the badass you are today by sneaking through ditches! Plus your sneakers aren't waterproof. You step forward, and a gust of wind blows ash into your face, obscuring the path ahead. You taste dead people.\n\n[["Gross."|Steve][$taste="bad"]]\n[["Not bad."|Steve][$taste="good"]]

This game was created with [[Twine|http://twinery.org/]] and is powered by [[Tiddlywiki|http://tiddlywiki.com/]]. You can play more episodes [[here|http://philome.la/word_process]]. Visit me on [[Twitter|https://twitter.com/word_process]] for updates and announcements of new episodes.\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n-- Andrew\n\n[[Menu|Start]]

"Damn it, Nimrod," Marvyn says, "one of these days you'll have to fight him for real and you'll wish you hadn't joked so much. You're on your own." He disconnects.\n\n"I'm no expert," Steve says, "but I think you and your friend are due for a heart-to-heart."\n\n[[Cast diarrhea hex]]\n[[Conjure mystical shotgun]]\n[["Shut the fuck up, Steve."]]

Harmduel the Double-Barreled materializes in your hands. "No fair!" Steve says. You pull the trigger and blow him away.\n\nA small rainbow sprouts from his corpse.\n\n[[Hit the road]]\n[[Loot Steve's corpse]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {max-width:70%; font-family:"Times New Roman"; font-size:18pt; color:black; background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: black; font-family: Arial;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #660066\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {font-size:30px; font-family: Arial; font-weight: bold; color: green; background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: black;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #660066\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

Inside Steve's wallet you find five bucks and a dozen pictures of Steve's three-legged, one-eyed cat, who will probably be just fine without his master.\n\nYou pocket the cash and hope to find a hot dog cart somewhere down the road.\n\n[[Get going|Hit the road]]

You draw your cell phone and dial.\n\n"Hey!" Steve says. "Fight me!"\n"Gimme, like, two seconds," you say.\n\nSurprisingly, Marvyn answers. "What are you fighting, you dead tool?"\n\n[["Who said I was fighting?"]]\n[["Just some guy."]]\n[["The Gorgonanth."]]\n[["Nyvram the Regurgitator."]]

You step out of the derelict bus into a desert of ash. The pale sun greets you meekly from beyond the smog.\n\n[[Take the main road]]\n[[Follow that radioactive ditch]]

On the Road Again

"Are you super-duper for serious or are you just yanking my tentacle?"\n\n[["Sorry, Marv, just playing."]]\n[["HURRY! THERE'S NO TIME!"|Lie to him]]

Steve instantly shits himself. You laugh hysterically. "Really?" he says. "That's your move?" He pulls the trigger and vaporizes you, save for a tiny piece of your brainstem, which falls into the road and is eaten by mutant rats. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@\n\n[[So worth it|Start]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {font-size: 25px; font-family: Arial;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #CCCCCC; text-decoration: none; text-shadow: 1px 1px #1A0000;\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}\n#sidebar { display: none; }\n#passages { border-left: 0px; padding-left: 0; }

<<if visited("Shave") is 1>>You unsheathe your electric trimmer and start buzzing under your chin. The boil twitches ominously.\n\n[[Keep shaving|Shave]]\n[[Leave the bus]]<<else if visited("Shave") is 2>>A clump of ancient hair falls away. The boil aches painfully.\n\n[[Shave some more|Shave]]\n[[Leave the bus]]<<else if visited("Shave") is 3>>You can almost see your chin. How novel! The boil swells. Your eyes tear up. It's not too late to stop.\n\n[[Shave that beard|Shave]]\n[[Leave the bus]]<<else if visited("Shave") is 4>>Nice goatee. The boil explodes, and your soul escapes through your ass. @@color:lime;You are dead.@@\n\n[[Begin again|Bus]]<<endif>>

You wade through the ditch until you're treading sludge. Your whole body tingles. It feels kind of nice, actually. How far does this stuff go?\n\n[[Check your map]]\n[[Swim]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #66FFFF;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #66FFFF; color:#FF0000;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color:#00CC00;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color:#FFCC00;\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {text-align:left; font-family: Impact; color: green; background-color: #EBEBEB;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: green;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {color: #660066\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

"He looked the part: tall, robed, with a staff and a long beard. By the time he fled the city, however, his skin was gray and mottled, like the dead, and his eyes had sunken in their sockets. As he leapt from the ramparts, his robe enveloping him like a parachute, the guardsmen noticed a large, pink boil on his left buttock. While that particular detail might well be barracks hogwash, one thing is certain: he changed, and not for the better."\n\n- //Kappelman's History of Arth//\n\n[[Continue|Bus]]

<<if $taste is "good">>You're dead too, so, you know, it's cool.<<else if $taste is "bad">>Becoming undead kind of ruined the taste of dead people for you.<<endif>>\n\nThe wind subsides and the ash disperses. A man stands in your path. He wears leather armor and carries a laser pistol. A Jolly Roger and other rad patches are sewn into his sleeves.\n\n"Nimrod Supertramp," he says, "is that you?"\n\n[["Who wants to know?"|Busted][$bluff="who"]]\n[["I'm afraid you're mistaken."|Busted][$bluff="lie"]]\n[["What a dumb name."|Busted][$bluff="dumb"]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #1A1A1A\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #1A1A1A; color: #00FF00;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #944D94;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

Come on, don't back out now. This is gonna be sooo funny.\n\n[[Lie to Marvyn|Lie to him]]\n[[Or don't]]

/* Your story will use the CSS in this passage to style the page.\nGive this passage more tags, and it will only affect passages with those tags.\nExample selectors: */\n\nbody {background-color: #40566B;\n\t/* This affects the entire page */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage {background-color: #40566B; color: #E6E6E6;\n\t/* This only affects passages */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a {color: #C3AD80;\n\t/* This affects passage links */\n\t\n\t\n}\n.passage a:hover {\n\t/* This affects links while the cursor is over them */\n\t\n\t\n}

"Kill this guy for you? Because you're too lazy to do it yourself? Maybe I could do your taxes while I'm at it. Dry-clean your robe? Make you a sandwich?"\n"Is this a bad time?" Steve says. "I could come back."\n"Nimrod, you're on your own." Marvyn beats his wings, opens a new portal, and storms back to his dimension."\n\n"I'm no shrink," Steve says, "but I think your friendship could use some mending."\n\n[[Cast diarrhea hex]]\n[[Conjure mystical shotgun]]\n[["Shut the fuck up, Steve."]]

You whistle your old wizard academy fight song as you walk, swinging your staff in rhythym. This is the life, or at least the closest you'll get in death. The noon sun shines above, vanquished enemies lie behind -- does it all really have to end? Perhaps, but on your own terms, and not until you're damn well ready.\n\nOr whatever. You didn't get to be the badass you are today by waxing poetic.\n\n@@color:#CCCCCC;font-family:impact;TO BE CONTINUED...@@\n\n@@color:lime;font-size:22px;//Nimrod will return in EPISODE TWO: "THE MOST WANTED MAN IN ARTH!"//@@\n[[Menu|Start]]

You reach into your submerged rucksack. Your steaming arm-bones are what come out. The sludge has eaten your flesh. You ponder the virtues of beaten paths as the rest of your body dissolves. Your untethered head bobs like an apple before the sludge sucks it down. @@color:#CC0000;You are dead.@@\n\n[[Try swimming next time|Leave the bus]]

You sprint toward Steve. He fires and misses. Your foot flies into his crotch, and he explodes, showering you in blood and glitter. Foot magic, baby.\n\n[[Hit the road]]\n[[Take Steve's wallet|Loot Steve's corpse]]