You're not gay. At least you don't think you're gay. You've never actually had sex with anyone, so you're not totally sure.\n\nBut Seb Coe is an attractive man, right? If you were gay, you'd probably be attracted to Seb Coe. \n\nSo you may as well think about Seb Coe while trying to fuck a magical pig's head in order to become Prime Minster.\n\nMaybe Seb Coe's having a shower after winning a race or something, and then you get in the shower and help him. Lather him up with shower gel and then...\n\nNo. It's not working. Maybe Seb Coe isn't an attractive man after all.\n\nRegardless, you're still stood there in front of a pig's head with a flaccid penis.\n\nDo you:\n\n[[Just stick your cock in there anyway|PM]]\n[[Think about a sexy pig|Uh oh]]\n

At the most inopportune time, your chronic shyness has struck again. You flee and hide in the toilet. The door becomes jammed and you remain in there for several days.\n\nBy the time you escape, your peers have dubbed you Johnny Toilet. You are never invited to another exclusive party. Instead, you begin spending time with people who attended state school.\n\nEventually, you drop out of Oxford and begin teaching yoga in Goa. Sadly, behind your chilled out exterior lurks a deep-seated bitterness about your failure to become Prime Minster.\n\nYou also develop a crippling phobia of toilets. \n\nAt the age of 37, you succumb to dysentery caused by unhygienic conditions in your yoga studio.\n\nTHE END\n

Pigs can be sexy, right?\n\nI mean, Miss Piggy is sort of sexy. And fucking her would be a bit like wanking into a sock.\n\nAnd you've done that.\n\nYou've done that lots.\n\nSo if you just imagine the pig's head as a sexy piggy sock then...\n\nJesus. This is working.\n\nIt's actually working.\n\nYou're now standing fully erect in front of a pig's head. \n\nDo you:\n[[Fuck the magic pig's head|Farmer]]\n[[Run away and hide in the toilet|Nudist]]\n

You are Johnny Fictional. Since you were a small boy, you've dreamed of being Prime Minster of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Are you ready to grasp your only chance? [[Yes|Party]]. [[No|Middle Manager]]

You insert your penis into the pig's head.\n\nThe onlookers cheer.\n\nYou repeat this several times.\n\nThe onlookers stop cheering.\n\nYou're really getting into it now. Christ, you're going to make an excellent Prime Minister.\n\n"Jesus, man," shouts Jake Goodegg. "You're not supposed to enjoy it."\n\nBy now the crowd is booing you and some are even throwing things.\n\nBut you don't stop. This is your perfect moment.\n\nYou leave Oxford that night and open a farm somewhere in rural Hampshire.\n\nYou remain there to this very day. You own 23 pigs and you love each of them. Daily.\n\nYou are happpy.\n\nTHE END\n

You may be a first year, but you're not stupid. You refuse to believe the pig's head has any magical properties and decline to have intercourse with it.\n\nUpon returning to the party, you get talking to an attractive young woman whose father is something big at an investment bank.\n\nThe relationship blossoms and you marry, while her father ensures you have a high paying job.\n\nAs the years pass, you begin to doubt your reasons for marrying your wife. Was it love, or did you just fancy an easy way to get on to the career ladder?\n\nYour doubts fester and your marriage rots. You move in with a Russian stripper 25 years your junior and bankrupt yourself trying to maintain the lifestyle she expects.\n\nCrying into the Special Brew you've just shoplifted, you wonder whether perhaps that pig's head was magical after all...\n\nTHE END\n

Mmmmmmm. Carol Vorderman off of Countdown. You've always fancied her. You'd like to tell her to take two off her top and one off her bottom. \n\nEven if that doesn't really make sense.\n\nYeah Carol, show me what else you can work out with that marker pen of yours.\n\nIt's happening. Little Johnny is starting to stir.\n\nMmmmmmm. Yeah, Carol. Let's do it right here in the Countdown studio.\n\nBut hang on. Who's that laughing? Christ. Richard Whiteley is here. And there in Dictionary Corner, it's Gyles Brandreth. Oh god. He's wearing a jumper.\n\nYour fantasy and your erection fade. Once again you are stood flaccid in front of a pig's head.\n\nDo you:\n[[Just stick your cock in there anyway|PM]]\n[[Think about a sexy pig|Uh oh]]\n

You run from the room, errect penis pointing the way.\n\n"Fuck hiding in the toilet," you yell. "This feels fantastic!"\n\nYou run out the house and down the street. Never once looking back.\n\nEventually, you move to a nudist colony in Cornwall where you eek out a living by selling iced buns.\n\nYour cock is on display at all times.

You try to run and hide in the toilet, but in your coke addled state, you can't find it.\n\nInstead, you run through the house in your underpants while your peers mock and shame you.\n\nYou leave Oxford in disgrace. \n\nWith no career prospects, you become a long-distance lorry driver and later one of the most prolific serial killers in British history.\n\nTHE END\n

Johnny Fictional and the Magical, Prime Ministerial Pig Fuck

Before you've even finished asking to see the prophecy, Jake Goodegg has punched you in the face.\n\n"Bloody twat," he says standing over you. "You're not even well-bred. I hear your dad went to Rugby. You'll never, ever be Prime Minister."\n\nYou crawl away from the backroom and into the party proper. Here you meet a left-wing pacifist, who takes pity on you and nurses you back to health.\n\nSadly, the left-wing pacifist also indoctrinates you with his beliefs and you become a rabid socialist, and later a news reader at the BBC.\n\nAs you pollute the entire nation with your vile, Marxist newscasts you can't help but feel a little bitter every time you read the Prime Minister's name.\n

You dangle your flaccid penis into the mouth of the dead pig.\n\nThe crowd cheers.\n\nSomeone takes a photo for some reason.\n\n"Well done, David! Errr, I mean Johnny Fictional. Well done!" Jake Goodegg slaps you on the back.\n\n"So what happens now," you ask.\n\n"Well, there are some other parts to the prophecy. First you'll need to join a political party. Then stand as an MP. Then be elected. Then you'll probably need to work in a range of junior roles before eventually taking on a more senior position. After that, you'll have to work on becoming party leader. Then, once you've won a general election you'll have completed the prophecy and you'll be prime minister. But above all the most important thing to do is not worry about the photos we've taken here tonight." \n\nDo you:\n\n[[Do all the things Jake just said|PM 2]]\n[[Tell Jake you're worried about the photos they've taken here tonight|Jokes]]\n

This is it. Somehow you, Johnny Fictional, have been invited to one of the most exclusive parties in the whole of Oxford. If only your friends from Eaton could see you now. They wouldn't recognise the shy, awkward boy who stuttered his way through those hellish years.\n\nActually, it turns out they would. Because a lot of them are here. And you all look resplendent in your outrageous fancy dress. Some of the chaps have even dressed as women. Men dressed as women! Hilarious. You are certain no one in the history of the world has ever been as funny as you and your friends.\n\nExcept you know your place. You are only first years. And there are second and third years at this party. \n\nIn fact, one of the third years is heading your way right now. Do you want to talk to him?\n\n[[Yes|Party 2]]\n[[No, I want to run away and hide in the toilet|Goa]]\n

"Look mate," Jake says in a not unthreatening manner, "we've got photos of your putting your cock in a dead pig's mouth."\n\n[[You decide to do what Jake said|PM 2]]

"Excellent! I knew you were the right man for the job."\n\nJake Goodegg takes you to a backroom, away from the main party. Here the great and the good of Oxford are milling around, chatting nervously.\n\nAs you enter the room, all eyes turn towards you.\n\n"This here is Johnny Fictional," booms Jake, "And he wants to be Prime Minister!"\n\nA cheer goes up.\n\nYou feel great.\n\nThen the small crowd starts chanting "Pig's head. Pig's head. Pig's head" over and over.\n\nYou feel less great.\n\nDo you:\n[[Wait and see what happens?|Party 4]]\n[[Run and hide in the toilet?|Goa]]\n\n\n

"Say, aren't you Johnny Fictional?"\n\nAmazing. The influential third year Jake Goodegg knows your name! Tonight is going better than you could ever have hoped.\n\n"Yes. I am Johnny Fictional."\n\nYou shake hands.\n\n"Is it true you aspire to be Prime Minister?"\n\n"Yes, it is."\n\n"Well, I think I might be able to help you out there. Interested?"\n\n[[Say yes|Party 3]].\n[[Run away and hide in the toilet|Goa]]

"Pants off then," commands Jake.\n\nYou whip your undies off and stand in front of the pig's head, ready to fulfil the prophecy.\n\nBut little Johnny isn't standing to attention.\n\nDo you:\n\n[[Think about a sexy women|Voderman]]\n[[Think about a sexy man|Seb Coe]]\n[[Think about a sexy pig|Uh oh]]\n[[Just stick your cock in there anyway|PM]]\n

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that was some good cocaines. \n\nStrangely, a man with a camera took your photo while you were snorting cocaines in your underpants. You're not sure why he did that. Perhaps it's part of the prophecy.\n\n"Right then, are you ready to fuck that pig's head," Jake asks.\n\nDo you:\n\n[[Say you're ready|Party 7]]\n[[Run away and hide in the toilet|Serial killer]]\n

"Hell yeah, I'm going to fuck that pig's head!"\n\nYou drop your trousers.\n\n"Not so fast," says Jake. "First you need to do some cocaines."\n\n"Cocaines," you say while standing in your Y-fronts. "Isn't that illegal?"\n\n"Yes, but it's also part of the prophecy."\n\nDo you:\n\n[[Do some cocaines|Party 6]]\n[[Ask to see this prophacy|TV news reader]]\n

You wait nervously as a pig's head shaped object covered in a towel is brought out on a silver tray.\n\n"Is that a pig's head," you ask Jake.\n\n"Yes, but it's not just any pig's head. It's a magical pig's head."\n\n"Magical," you say failing to hide the note of scepticism in your voice.\n\n"Magical! For the prophecy says that any man who fucks this pig's head will become Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Isn't that what you've dreamed of all your life?"\n\n"Yes, but..."\n\n"Well what are you waiting for? Are you going to fuck the magic pig's head or not?"\n\nDo you:\n\n[[Agree to fuck the pig's head|Party 5]]\n[[Refuse to fuck the pig's head|Stock broker]]\n\n\n

You've done it! Years have passed and you're now Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. All it took was hard work, dedication and fucking that one magical pig's head.\n\nBeing Prime Minister is great. You've got a sexy wife, brilliant kids and you get to travel the world. And you only ever think about that thing you did with your cock and a dead animal whenever you see a pig or pork-related products.\n\nWhich is most days actually.\n\nBut you're happy. And you're pretty sure the pig's head was magic.\n\nSo here you are, sitting at your Prime Minister's desk, opening your Prime Minister's mail. Hmmmmm, what's in this brown photo-sized envelope you wonder to yourself.\n\n"Well," you say to no one in particular. "I guess I'd better take a look."\n\nTHE END?\n

Will Stevens

You fail to grasp your only chance to become Prime Minister. After a promising start, your life drifts into anonymity. You become a middle manager in a company dealing with aggregates. Although you're never entirely sure what aggregates actually are. You marry and produce two mediocre children.\n\nThe day after your wife throws out your collection of pornography, you pull over on to the hard shoulder of the motorway and cry.\n\nTHE END\n